Channel Awesome
Don't have an account?
Register
Register
in: Article stubs, Content, Guides, The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts

Changes: Batman Forever

Back to page
Edit
No edit summary
Tag: Visual edit
No edit summary
Tag: Visual edit
Line 238: Line 238:
 
''(He and his cronies leave the guard in the vault as a trap for Batman)''
  
''(He and his cronies leave the guard in the vault as a trap for Batman)''
   
−
'''Guard:''' But...but you said you'd let me live!
 +
'''Guard:''' But...but you said you'd let me ''live''!
   
 
'''Two-Face:''' Too true! And so you shall!
  
'''Two-Face:''' Too true! And so you shall!
Line 245: Line 245:
   
 
'''LAG:''' ''(as Two-Face)'' I'm a district attorney, I can always find a loophole.
  
'''LAG:''' ''(as Two-Face)'' I'm a district attorney, I can always find a loophole.
  +
  +
''(Batman jumps into the crowd to greet Comissioner Gordon (Pat Hingle) and meet Dr. Chase Meridian (Nicole Kidman))''
  +
  +
'''NC (vo):''' Batman arrives on the scene to meet up with psychiatrist Dr. Chase Meridian, played by Nicole Kidman.
  +
  +
'''Chase:''' Hot entrance.
  +
  +
'''LAG:''' A dedicated professional, as you can see.
  +
  +
'''NC (vo):''' Gordon is trying to figure out how to save the hostages inside, but Batman has more important issues to confront, like convincing a stranger that bats aren't rodents!
  +
  +
'''Chase:''' I could write a hell of a paper on a grown man who dresses like a flying rodent.
  +
  +
''(Batman walks close to Chase)''
  +
  +
'''NC (vo; as Batman):''' Oh, no, you didn't!
  +
  +
'''Batman:''' Bats aren't rodents, Dr. Meridian.
  +
  +
'''Chase:''' You ''are'' interesting.
  +
  +
'''NC:''' ''(as Chase, flirtingly)'' Your ability to wiki search intrigues me.
  +
  +
''(Chase turns to look at the helicopters, and Batman walks away from her)''
  +
  +
'''Chase:''' By the way, do you have a first name, or do they just call you Bats? ''(turns back to see Batman is gone)''
  +
  +
'''NC (vo; as Chase):''' Oh, what? Is there a bank robbery or something? Oh, yeah, there totally is.
  +
  +
'''Two-Face:''' Let's start this party with a bang!
  +
  +
'''LAG:''' Well, we know Dr. Meridian sure did.
  +
  +
''(Batman comes into the bank and fights Two-Face's cronies, complete with the camera shaking)''
  +
  +
'''LAG (vo):''' Batman breaks in and fights off a gang of Mexican wrestlers, while also trying to get the cameraman a tripod.
  +
  +
''(Batman shoots from a shocker gun at one of the thugs, and the latter makes a really weird cartoonish sound while being shocked)''
  +
  +
'''LAG:''' Does that device turn people to [[Who Framed Roger Rabbit (Disneycember)|Roger]] [[What You Never Knew About Who Framed Roger Rabbit|Rabbit]]?
  +
  +
''(The scene is replayed. Another thug charges at Batman head-on, with some electronic sounds being heard in the background as he runs)''
  +
  +
'''LAG (vo):''' Oh, apparently, it's spread to the music, too.
  +
  +
'''NC:''' Well, the composer run out of money, so we'll just start going... ''(wiggles his lips with a finger)'' "bobity-bobity-bobity-bobity"...
  +
  +
''(The scene continues as the another thug makes the same sound after being shocked. Batman enters the vault and removes the tape from the bound and gagged guard's mouth)''
  +
  +
'''Guard:''' Ow!
  +
  +
''(The famous scene from ''[[Star Wars: Return of the Jedi]]'' is shown for a moment)''
  +
  +
'''Admiral Ackbar (overdubbed by NC):''' It's a tra-
  +
  +
'''Guard:''' It's a trap! ''(The vault door closes)''
  +
  +
'''Admiral Ackbar:''' Poser.
   
 
{{Stub}}
  
{{Stub}}

Revision as of 16:49, 17 February 2018

Batman Forever

BatmanForeverThumbnail

Aired
February 13, 2018
Running time
37:12
Previous review
Next review
TBA
Link


(NC title sequence plays)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

(Suddenly, he becomes quite nervous. He parts his coat to reveal that his shirt has nipples on it! Say what?!)

NC: (terrified) What the hell is this?! (jumps up from his seat) Why are there nipples on the outside of me?!

(Tamara walks up, wearing a blond wig and a black dress)

Tamara: Ooh, a hot entrance, Critic. (She runs her hands on his body) Have I ever let you know that my interest isn't purely professional, or do I need skintight vinyl and a whip?

NC: (trying to fend her off with little luck) Tamara, you're a fricking professional! Why are you suddenly acting so weirdly horny?!

Tamara: I'm just representing how an out-of-touch gay man thinks a straight woman acts.

(Behind them, Malcolm, wearing half-black-and-half-white makeup, wig and suit, laughs crazily)

NC: (still trying to fend off Tamara's running her hands on him) Malcolm, why are you suddenly a white guy?! And a very annoying one at that?!

Malcolm: I'll tell you right after I finish mugging for the camera! (He turns to the camera and mugs it, cackling)

NC: Stop it, stop it, all of you! Who is responsible for all of this?!

Malcolm and Tamara: (in unison as they point offscreen) He is!

(NC turns to see Jim Jarosz dressed in a green Riddler-type suit, but with the letter M all over it instead of question marks)

Jim: Hello, Critic. It's your old friend, Jim.

NC: (gasps) The Mocker!

(Throughout this whole scene, Tamara keeps running her hands on him, and he keeps trying to slap her hands away, but to no avail)

Jim: Nostalgia Critic has gotten too dark for the viewers' time. I'm here to make it more kid-friendly, colorful and nipple-icious.

NC: You won't get away with this, Mocker!

Jim: I know you don't like it, but I was just doing what the studio demanded.

NC: Yeah, but–

Jim: I apologize. I was just trying to do something more colorful for the kids.

NC: Oh, you don't need to apologize.

Jim: I understand you're frustrated, but why don't we sit down and talk about it over some herbal tea?

NC: Okay, that does sound really ni– (gasps) NO!! I won't let the fact that you're a decent human being get in front of the fact that you make horrible crap!

Jim: (singsong) It's Earl Grey!

NC: (Tamara hugs him) Oh, I love Earl Grey! That's like my favori– NO! I need someone who won't fall for your kindness! I need a geek. An angry geek. A Last Angry Geek!

Jim: (puzzled) Last? Really?

Tamara: Yeah, I feel like there's a lot of angry geeks.

Malcolm: Millions.

NC: Okay, I don't know why he calls himself that, but I'm calling him!

(NC runs out of the room. Tamara looks confused at NC's departure, then starts feeling her own body. Cut to Brian Heinz (LAG himself) sitting in a dark room. NC turns something on, and it's the signal that has LAG's face in the night sky. The room lights up as LAG notices the signal and stands up. His face is now identical to the one in the signal. After that...he simply walks out of the closet. NC stops in front of him and looks back and forth, confused)

NC: You were in my storage closet the whole time?

LAG: Don't judge me. (walks off)

NC: (after a pause) I very much am.

(LAG and NC enter the living room. Tamara is now turned on to Malcolm, who's still laughing crazily)

LAG: All right, Mocker! It's time...

(He notices he also fell for the nipple trick and takes the fake nipples off as NC rolls his eyes)

LAG: It's time to put an end to your insanity.

Jim: Now, don't be that way. Why don't I order us some lattes so we can sit down and discuss artistic styles and interpretations?

LAG: He is very nice.

Tamara: (overlapping) God, he's so nice! He is a saint!

NC: (overlapping) Isn't he? He is just the nicest guy! I just wanna eat him up-

LAG: (interrupts) But it won't work! We did an entire RiffTrax on how your style ruined Batman Forever.

Jim: You did?

LAG: Yes, and it's still available.

NC: For anyone to purchase!

(Suddenly, a commercial synth music starts playing as the poster for the 2009 RiffTrax commentary for the movie pops up with the caption "Available at RiffTrax.com". NC, LAG, Tamara and Malcolm smile to the camera)

LAG: Cameos by Mike Nelson...

Tamara: Kevin Murphy...

Malcolm: And Bill Corbett.

NC: Good times are just a Bat-click away.

(They stare for some seconds, until...)

Jim: Ha! But that was recorded years ago. You couldn't possibly find any faults in Batman Forever now.

(Everyone is abashed)

Tamara: Why?...

LAG: No, I can.

Jim: I don't know. I just...needed a segue into the review.

Malcolm: Yeah, there's, like, a million jokes about this movie.

NC: Yeah, we should probably just get to it.

LAG: Batman Forever.

(Tamara again runs her hands on NC's chest, and he slaps her away. The poster for Batman (1989) is shown, followed by the poster and shots from its sequel, Batman Returns)

NC (vo): After the 1989 smash hit Batman, producers were excited to see if the follow-up, Batman Returns, would deliver as big a financial punch.

LAG (vo): The film didn't quite deliver what the studio wanted, with many parents complaining it was too dark for children. This resulted in child-friendly merchandise being pulled, most notably McDonald's Happy Meal toys.

NC (vo): Not wanting to go through that again, the studio pushed director Tim Burton into a producing role and handed control over to Joel Schumacher.

(The poster for Batman Forever is shown, followed by several screenshots)

LAG (vo): He agreed to make the third installment Batman Forever more lighthearted and marketable, and it seemed to pay off as it made more money than the previous installment.

NC (vo): Schumacher is best known for his following epic, Ice Puns and Ass, (The poster for Batman and Robin is shown briefly, but with the title NC just said) but a lot of people ignore what a cluster of goofiness Batman Forever is, seemingly giving it a pass.

LAG (vo): We're here to see if that pass is warranted, or if it deserves to be tossed in the Snyder pile. (The screenshot from Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is shown)

(NC and LAG are shown to be sitting at the table)

NC: Pile of what?

LAG: You know what.

NC: Let's take a look at this Batshit insanity with Batman Forever.

(The film opens with the main actors' names flying in the black space, and then we're shown Batman (Val Kilmer) gearing up for his next mission)

NC (vo): After being assaulted by the big names in this movie...

LAG (vo): Interpret that as you will.

NC (vo): ...we see Batman, played this time by Val Kilmer, getting ready to ride a Batmobile so phallic that even HR Giger's original designs look less penisy. (The first designs for the spacecrafts from the movie Alien are briefly shown)

LAG (vo): And if you think they're not gonna overcorrect the Happy Meal tie-in from the last film, take a look at this actual opening line.

(Alfred Pennyworth (Michael Gough) comes up to Batman)

Alfred: Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?

Batman: I'll get drive-through.

LAG: Well, can't act like they didn't set the bar low from the very start.

NC (vo): It's such a weird line, clearly done just for a McDonald's ad.

(The McDonald's commercial which promotes the movie, the special meal and merchandise is shown)

Alfred: Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?

Batman: I'll get drive-through.

Jim Cummings (vo): Tomatoes, crisp lettuce, two cheeses on a superhero bun.

NC (vo): It doesn't fit in the movie at all.

NC: The only way it could work is if it was literally followed by this.

Alfred: Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?

Batman: I'll get drive-through.

(Batman walks off. Cut to the Batmobile standing near the actual drive-thru)

NC (vo; as Batman): Two cheeseburgers, a large fries, and, uh, I got a movie out, so just give me whatever plastic schlock with my face on it you got. (The glass mug with Batman carved on it is pops up with a ding) Bingo.

(The City of Gotham is shown, or rather, its alley that celebrates a Chinese holiday. Then we're shown ex-attorney Harvey Dent as Two-Face, played by Tommy Lee Jones, holding a bank guard as a hostage in a bank vault)

LAG (vo): Batman drives to the second Bank of Gotham in...Chinatown...as a crime boss named Two-Face, played by Tommy Lee Jones instead of Billy Dee Williams...

NC: Only the finest of art forms remedy this. (The logo for Demo Reel and the poster for The LEGO Batman Movie are shown below)

LAG: (pointing at the Demo Reel logo, chuckling) You know, I love the Italian mobster in that. (NC just looks, confused)

LAG (vo): ...is robbing a bank and juggling his split personality of a district attorney and a pervy monkey.

(The montage of Two-Face making various sounds and noises is shown)

NC: You know Tommy Lee Jones told Jim Carrey he hated him because he couldn't sanction his buffoonery?

(The audio of The Howard Stern Show podcast that aired in October of 2014 and featured Jim Carrey as a guest is heard as the pictures of Jones and Carrey are shown back-to-back)

Jim Carrey (vo): The blood drained from his face... (Howard Stern gasps) ...and hugged me and said, "I hate you. I cannot sanction your buffoonery."

(Back to the movie; Two-Face jumps off a plane with the parachute)

Two-Face: See ya! (laughs crazily as he falls)

NC: Makes sense to me.

LAG: I'm just wondering how acid can turn one half of your face...

LAG (vo): ...into plastic purple latex.

Two-Face: No!! (bangs on the plane's metal wall angrily)

(Inside a bank vault, Two-Face flips his coin, looking at the bank guard, and it's the eagle side)

NC (vo): As you probably guess, he often flips a coin to decide who lives and who dies.

Two-Face: Fortune smiles. Another day of wine and roses.

(He and his cronies leave the guard in the vault as a trap for Batman)

Guard: But...but you said you'd let me live!

Two-Face: Too true! And so you shall!

NC: (as Two-Face) I mean, I'll kill ya later, but I'm lettin' you live for a few minutes.

LAG: (as Two-Face) I'm a district attorney, I can always find a loophole.

(Batman jumps into the crowd to greet Comissioner Gordon (Pat Hingle) and meet Dr. Chase Meridian (Nicole Kidman))

NC (vo): Batman arrives on the scene to meet up with psychiatrist Dr. Chase Meridian, played by Nicole Kidman.

Chase: Hot entrance.

LAG: A dedicated professional, as you can see.

NC (vo): Gordon is trying to figure out how to save the hostages inside, but Batman has more important issues to confront, like convincing a stranger that bats aren't rodents!

Chase: I could write a hell of a paper on a grown man who dresses like a flying rodent.

(Batman walks close to Chase)

NC (vo; as Batman): Oh, no, you didn't!

Batman: Bats aren't rodents, Dr. Meridian.

Chase: You are interesting.

NC: (as Chase, flirtingly) Your ability to wiki search intrigues me.

(Chase turns to look at the helicopters, and Batman walks away from her)

Chase: By the way, do you have a first name, or do they just call you Bats? (turns back to see Batman is gone)

NC (vo; as Chase): Oh, what? Is there a bank robbery or something? Oh, yeah, there totally is.

Two-Face: Let's start this party with a bang!

LAG: Well, we know Dr. Meridian sure did.

(Batman comes into the bank and fights Two-Face's cronies, complete with the camera shaking)

LAG (vo): Batman breaks in and fights off a gang of Mexican wrestlers, while also trying to get the cameraman a tripod.

(Batman shoots from a shocker gun at one of the thugs, and the latter makes a really weird cartoonish sound while being shocked)

LAG: Does that device turn people to Roger Rabbit?

(The scene is replayed. Another thug charges at Batman head-on, with some electronic sounds being heard in the background as he runs)

LAG (vo): Oh, apparently, it's spread to the music, too.

NC: Well, the composer run out of money, so we'll just start going... (wiggles his lips with a finger) "bobity-bobity-bobity-bobity"...

(The scene continues as the another thug makes the same sound after being shocked. Batman enters the vault and removes the tape from the bound and gagged guard's mouth)

Guard: Ow!

(The famous scene from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi is shown for a moment)

Admiral Ackbar (overdubbed by NC): It's a tra-

Guard: It's a trap! (The vault door closes)

Admiral Ackbar: Poser.

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.