Bartok the Magnificent

Bartok the Magnficent
Aired	July 17, 2018
Running Time	16:00
Previous Review	The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Next Review	TBA
Link	http://channelawesome.com/bartok-the-magnificent/

(The Channel Awesome logo and the title sequence are shown, followed by NC at his desk)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. It's no secret that the career of legendary animator Don Bluth has had some ups and downs.

(A poster for the Bluth film An American Tail is shown)

NC (vo): Like anyone's legacy, there's been some hits and there's been some misses.

(Cut to a shot of another Bluth film The Land Before Time)

NC (vo): But the hits seem to be when Bluth had the most control over a project...

(Cut to a shot of The Pebble and the Penguin)

NC (vo): ...and the misses seem to be whenever the studio he worked for took the most control.

(Cut to footage of Anastasia)

NC (vo): You can usually tell the studio interference by how much the films imitated what was expected to be popular at the time.

(Cut to a shot of the poster for Anastasia)

NC (vo): Whether it be Disney...

(Cut to a poster for Titan A.E.)

NC (vo): ...Star Wars...

(A poster for A Troll in Central Park is shown)

NC (vo): ...or even other movies that tried to rip off (a poster for Once Upon a Forest appears in the corner) other genres...

(A poster for Thumbelina is shown)

NC (vo): (quickly) ...or Disney...

(A poster for Rock-A-Doodle is shown)

NC (vo): ...there's apparently a lot of meddling.

(Clips from The Secret of NIMH and Anastasia are followed)

NC (vo): Bluth was obviously known for his beautiful style, but was just as well-known for being wild, aggressive, and imaginatively odd. Traditional fairy tales or action films was not something to expect out of such a uniquely strange mind. But the attempts were made, and often were not as successful as others hoped.

(Now, we are shown the clips of the direct-to-VHS 1999 movie Bartok the Magnificent)

NC (vo): But, funny enough, his weird style shines in the last place you would expect it: a straight-to-video spin-off of one of his Disney cinematic knockoffs.

NC: It's the (posters of...) Ouija 2 and Annabelle: Creation of Don Bluth movies: Bartok the Magnificent! Yes, really. (Opening music starts to play, then abruptly stops) Yes, really. (Then the music starts up again)

(The title of the film is shown, before showing more of its clips)

NC (vo): Directed by Don Bluth with Gary Goldman and based on the comic relief from his animated film Anastasia, Bartok had the animation budget of a straight-to-video movie and, honestly, about as much interest from the studio. They seemed, understandably so, more interested in their cinematic release than their smaller VHS tie-in. But because of this, they interfered less, and we got a bizarre, unique and, honestly, kind of enjoyable little special out of it. It's not one of Bluth's grand works or anything, but it has more of his traditionally odd signatures, resulting in a crazy but surreally charming adventure. And we're here to look at this adorably insane film in all its wonderful head-scratching glory.

NC: So sit back and get ready to go, "Why?"...as you should with any good Don Bluth production. This is Bartok the Magnificent.

(The movie starts with showing the inside of the hut on chicken legs, which belongs to a famous Russian witch, Baba Yaga)

NC (vo): The film opens with a song about a witch named Baba Yaga, which in Russian translates to pointless, but funny throwaway joke in Ant-Man sequel. (A shot of Kurt and Scott Lang from Ant-Man and the Wasp is shown)

Chorus: (singing) Baba Yaga!

NC (vo): This immediately gives you a feel for the film. There's clearly little money thrown at this, there's not even that much animation to start out. But the stylized angles, colors and designs are already more unique than what you usually see in the direct-to-video product. This looks like Toys R Us if it went to Hell. (speaks somberly as the closed Toys R Us store is shown with a gravestone) No disrespect. Still miss you.

(We are shown Bartok the albino bat impressing the people of Moscow with his performances on the Red Square)

NC (vo): We cut pretty quickly to our main character, though, a Russian bat named Bartok, played by Hank Azaria.

NC: And before you go insane, he said he was open to a real Russian bat voicing the part.

(However, it is revealed to us that most of Bartok's performances are staged, like the weight-lifting. A blue kite shaped like a big bat is shown)

NC (vo): He travels town to town telling fake tales of his amazing heroics and even taking out leftover animation cells from The Thief and the Cobbler. I imagine a lot was left behind.

(A red-nosed bear appears and roars at everyone)

NC (vo): Damn those Russian bears always making their way into the center of Moscow!

Bartok: (blows some dust into a bear's face) Abraca-watch it!

NC (vo): Bartok seems to take out the bear, though, without breaking a sweat.

(A bear falls right into Bartok's wagon, which closes)

NC: (as Bartok) Yes, on to the pile of other...

NC (vo): ...dead carcasses my carriage is apparently built for storing!

(The cheering people throw money at Bartok)

Bartok: Thank you, that's too kind... (A ring is thrown at him) Ooh!

(The ring belonged to Prince Ivan, who arrived in the carriage with his advisor Ludmila)

NC (vo): His antics caught the attention of Prince Ivan, but his advisor Ludmila, played by Catherine O'Hara, wants to stop him from giving Bartok his royal ring, or she'll stab him with her chin.

Ivan (Phillip Van Dyke): Well, perhaps it's time for a change.

NC (vo): He still leaves Bartok with the ring, though, and us with the question: how much did Dimitri from the first film get around? (A shot of Dimitri from Anastasia appears to show the similarity between him and Ivan)

(Inside the Alexander Palace, Ludmila scolds Ivan)

Ludmila: You can't go around giving royal jewels to commoners.

Ivan: Well, I wanted to encourage him.

Ludmila: (overdubbed by Kate McCallister from Home Alone) There are 15 people in this house, and you're the only one who has to make trouble.

(Meanwhile, Bartok is counting the money he recieved. It turns out Bartok's rescue was another act: the bear, who can actually talk, is named Zozi and is Bartok's partner)

NC (vo): As you'd imagine, Bartok staged the bear attack, and the bear is actually his thespian friend named Zozi, played by Kelsey Grammer.

Zozi: (putting his vest and bowtie on) Well, suffice it to say the performance of my death today would have shamed Prometheus.

NC: Leaving us with the question...

NC (vo): ...how much did Vladimir from the first film get around? (Vladimir from Anastasia, who was also voiced by Grammer, is shown)

Bartok: I wish you could hear yourself. It's really quite irritating.

Zozi: Critics.

NC: (as Zozi) I got the same reaction from Transformers 4.

NC (vo): Things heat up, though, when the which turns the palace into Sleeping Beauty backgrounds and breaks into the prince's room.

(At night, when Ivan is sleeping, Baba Yaga opens the door, reaching out her arms, and the thunder crashes behind her. Ivan doesn't wake up)

NC: (as Baba Yaga) Hey, come on! I put a lot into that... (reaches arms out, and thunder is heard crashing) Somebody notice!

(The next day, after Ivan is kidnapped, Ludmila finds an iron tooth and goes outside to inform the crowd of people what has happened. The crowd is...pretty small)

NC (vo): Apparently, the witch kidnaps the prince, leaving an iron tooth behind. Ludmila announces this to the residents of Moscow. All 40 of them.

Ludmila: Who? Who can rescue our prince from the evil Baba Yaga?

(Two kids, a boy and a girl, run up to the front)

Boy (Zachary B. Charles): I know someone! (The kids giggle, and Ludmila rolls her eyes)

NC: (as Ludmila) Oh, yes. The two children who clearly have an understanding of strategic recovery! A bad, you say? 'Kay.

(Bartok and Zozi are on their way to St. Petersburg, but they spot the Cossacks coming after them. They are brought back into Moscow, and Ludmila explains what they have to do)

NC (vo): The soldiers bring Bartok to her, and they request that he save the young prince from the Iron Forest.

Bartok: It would give me no greater pleasure than to risk my life. (takes out a notebook) My schedule is extremely tight.

Girl (Kelly Marie Berger): Mr. Bartok?

Bartok: Oh, boy. Here comes trouble.

NC: I like that Bartok, essentially a cute Don Bluth animation, knows he's...

NC (vo): ...not gonna be able to turn down a cute Don Bluth animation.

Girl: (with tears in her eyes) Please.

Bartok: Oh...

NC: (as Bartok) Oh, God! How is she doing that?

(The girl's eyes get bigger and bigger as an ominous chorus plays in the background)

NC (vo; as Bartok): The eyes! They're getting more and more Don Bluth-y! Aaah!

NC: (as Bartok) Okay, okay. Just stop everything going on in front of me.

(Bartok reluctantly accepts, and he and Zozi head to the Iron Forest)

NC (vo): So Bartok, of course, agrees to save the prince, and Zozi sings a song through tentacle Candyland.

Zozi: (singing) He's kind, he's smart, / That possible hero in you...

NC: Yeah, great. Can we get to the dark stuff?

(Bartok and Zozi reach the Dark Forest, which is surrounded by weirdly shaped stones and vortexes)

NC: (excited) Whoo! This must be where they bury Muppets.

(To enter, Bartok and Zozi must answer a riddle given by a giant skull)

NC (vo): So they come across a giant skull, voiced by Tim Curry, who I swear was typecast as giant CG green shit for a while. (Forte from Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas, a CGI-animated organ, is shown)

Skull: Do you like riddles?

Bartok: Riddles?

Skull: Could you answer one? (overdubbed by Pennywise from It) Do you have Prince Albert in a can? You do?! Well, you better let the poor guy out! Wa-ha! Wa-ha! Wa-ha!

(Bartok guesses right, and the skull gives him a key to go inside Baba Yaga's hut)

NC (vo): No, the riddle is what key opens a witch's door, and the answer is a skeleton key. But apparently, Bartok is the only one who can enter.

(The skull doesn't let Zozi in)

Skull: Did you hear me say...you could go in?

NC: (as the skull) Unless your worth lies far within, the diamond in the rough. (Beat) Which I seriously doubt. You're a bear!

(Bartok observes the hut on chicken legs, which is CG-animated, and comes inside. Baba Yaga appears and sniffs out the place)

NC (vo): He comes across the witch's not fully rendered house and meets Baba Yaga.

Baba Yaga (Andrea Martin): (singing) A witch's life is very solitary. / No one around to talk to but trees. (The wah-wah trombone is heard)

NC: Okay, I know it's a short movie and you gotta squeeze in a lot of songs, but do we have to have one that has... (imitates wah-wah trombone) ...in it?

Baba Yaga: (singing) No one in the attic! / No one in my chair!

NC (vo): I keep expecting her to chase Dirk the Daring with a rolling pin. (Daphne's mother from the game Dragon's Lair is shown)

(Baba Yaga finds and captures Bartok)

Baba Yaga: You broke into my home.

NC (vo): She catches Bartok and says he has to prove his worth in saving the prince or die.

Baba Yaga: Head south to the ice quarry and bring Piloff to me.

Bartok: (overlapping, writing in his notebook) Ice quarry... Bring Piloff... (stops) Bring Piloff to you?

NC: Piloff? It's either a Russian fruit, a Russian Viagra, or both.

(In the ice quarry, Bartok finds a pink, caterpillar-like creature named Piloff, who is frozen to a boulder)

NC (vo): So he journeys with Zozi to find Piloff, who is a dog-like caterpillar with suction-cup hands, played by Jennifer Tilly.

NC: God, I love a movie where I can say that and it's not an exaggeration.

Bartok: (tries lifting Piloff up) I gotta bring you back to Baba Yaga.

Piloff: This isn't good. You see, I'm stuck. (lands back on the boulder with Bartok)

NC (vo; as Piloff): And when I say "stuck", I mean playing the same bimbo in everything, even though I'm secretly a friggin' genius. (The photo of Jennifer Tilly playing poker is shown) Did you know I was nominated for an Oscar? No, you didn't, you liar. (normal) She, like many of the characters, is adorably charming.

(Bartok cuts the rope holding a large piece of metal nearby, and it crushes the boulder Piloff is on, successfully freeing her)

NC (vo): I love, too, that Bartok actually knows how to do a good karate chop. It wasn't just a throwaway line for the Anastasia trailer. Okay, it was, but it was put to good use here.

(Bartok returns to a skull, but since Baba Yaga kept the skeleton key to herself, they have to answer a riddle once again)

NC (vo): But they have to answer another riddle to enter the skull once more.

Skull: No matter how hard you hit me, no matter how much I hurt, I'm always good for a laugh. What am I? (Zozi rubs his hands gleefully)

NC: Your role in Congo?

Zozi: A funny bone!

NC: Same thing.

(We go to a commercial. After coming back, we're shown Bartok and Zozi on their next mission: to take a crown made by Oble the troll metalworker, who is surrounded by an aura of fire)

NC (vo): So Piloff is returned to Baba Yaga, and she tells Bartok that he now has to get the crown of Oble. These names sound like unused Mario World characters. In fact, the cast looks like them, too. You sure this isn't Russian Mario Maker?

Zozi: (of Oble, in his forge) But perhaps he's friendly.

NC (vo): No, he's actually a Space Ace villain who speaks fluent Tasmanian Devil.

(Oble is shown talking gibberish)

NC: Why do I get the feeling this is one of those...

NC (vo): ...Vermicious Knids who eat Oompa-Loompas in Loompaland?

(Cut to a clip from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)

Mrs. Teavee (Nora Denney): Loompaland? There's no such place.

NC: (grinning) Piss off, bitch.

(Bartok returns to Baba Yaga, and she tells him that the hardest task will be the next morning. Bartok obliges and goes to sleep)

NC (vo): They get the crown and take it back to the witch who says the biggest challenge will be the following day. So Bartok takes a nap on the floor and wakes up the next day. Apparently, the witch has no change of clothes. My God, she must reek.

Baba Yaga: Pluck the magic feather from the sky.

(Bartok has to get the magic feather without flying. It takes effort for him, but he eventually grabs it)

NC (vo): She says she needs a magic feather, which Bartok also gets. Not sure why he had to wait until morning to do it, but if I can follow a lead who looks like (pictures of...) the scientist from Attack of the Killer Tomatoes fused Pinky and the Brain together, I should just accept the weirdness.

(Bartok gives the feather to Baba Yaga)

Baba Yaga: I need something from you.

(Bartok offers everything he can think of, but Baba Yaga rejects everything. Outrages, Bartok screams at Baba Yaga, accusing her of lying and cheating)

NC (vo): Seeing how he got the three objects, he now demands the prince, but she says she needs one last thing from him. He gets so fed up, though, that he yells at her and makes her cry.

Bartok: (comes to a sobbing Baba Yaga) What are you doing?

Baba Yaga: I'm just being a silly old woman.

NC (vo): Aw. Baba Yaga has feelings, too. (Kurt from Ant-Man and the Wasp is shown again) Suck on that, Kurt! You ass!

Bartok: (tears up) I wish I could give you what you need.

(Baba Yaga picks up Bartok's tear)

Baba Yaga: You just did. (drops the tear in her cauldron) The most important ingredient.

NC: (as Baba Yaga) An emotional moment. Something Roland Emmerich films never have.

(Baba Yaga makes a magic potion from the items she had Bartok collect and reveals that she never took Prince Ivan and that he is actually imprisoned on top of the tower in the palace)

NC (vo): She puts the tear along with the other ingredients he gathered, and the house shows him where the prince is at. Funny enough, he's back at the palace.

Bartok: You never took him, did you?

Baba Yaga: I never said I did.

NC: (as Baba Yaga) See? I'm not so bad. I just like risking the lives of others to do my dirty work. But the kids get a lesson, kinda!

(Baba Yaga gives Bartok a vial with a potion she made)

NC (vo): She gives him a potion, though, that makes who he truly is on the inside who he is on the outside.

NC: (slightly frightened) Eh, I wouldn't do that. Twitter does something similar, and it's not pretty.