Barney's Great Adventure
June 19, 2019
Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief
(The Channel Awesome logo and NC title sequence play)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. There's two kinds of Barneys in the world. One is an obnoxious dinosaur nobody likes to listen to, and the other is purple. OOOOHHH!!!
(Screaming "OHHH!!!", NC jumps up from his seat and runs around in a circle around his portrayer, Doug's father, Barney, pointing his fingers at him repeatedly, much to Barney's irritation, all while silly music plays in the background. NC then sits back down again)
NC: This is Barney's Great Adventure.
(The title for this movie is shown, followed by clips of this movie, along with the original Barney and Friends TV show)
NC (vo): Barney is one of the most fascinating children's icons who ever existed, not because he had much lasting value for kids or adults, but because of the raw, undiluted hatred everybody had for him. Unless you were somewhere between the ages of one and five, chances are, you despised this early '90s educational phenomenon. Everywhere you looked, you either saw Barney...
(Cut to a clip of an episode of Animaniacs, showing the Warner siblings cowering at the sight of a Barney-like character (Baloney), who laughs, only to suddenly have an anvil drop on him)
NC (vo): ...or someone making fun of Barney.
(Cut to a clip of In Living Color involving a purple dinosaur (this one very much an actor in a costume), with a girl riding on its back)
NC (vo): There was no one who saw him as just okay.
(Cut to a clip of a Barney-like dinosaur character on a TV show in an episode of The Simpsons)
NC (vo): You either liked him as a little kid...
(Cut to a clip of the "Jurassic Park" music video by Weird Al Yankovic, in which Barney is seen dancing, but a Tyrannosaurus Rex bites his head off, causing blood to spurt from his body while he flails his arms around)
NC (vo): ...or loathed him at every other age. It was kind of amazing.
(Footage of Barney's Great Adventure resumes being shown)
NC (vo): And I'm not gonna lie, I hated this lumpy prune with mouth-guard teeth, too.
NC: (looking up in thought) But it wasn't until recently I started asking myself, "Why?"
NC (vo): I mean, it's for little kids. We don't find ourselves getting this upset at Sesame Street, Dora, Super Why or...
(As he says this, images of all those children's shows NC described are shown, followed by an image of Caillou, which NC doesn't mention by name, and instead mentions the next image being shown...)
NC (vo): ...Word Girl, but something about Barney just ignited a fire within most viewers who have little kids and were forced to watch it. Hell, even people without little kids found themselves repulsed by his... ability to delight toddlers? Yeah, it is weird that we got so angry at this. What's the best way to figure out why he irked people so much? Well, clearly, it's to be irked for an hour and a half, checking out his 1998 cinematic dino dropping. So let's really take a look at why this dead-eyed Mr. Eggplant had really got under people's skin.
NC: Though, (shrugs) Though I think it's safe to say we all have better things to do. Let's willingly take a look at Barney's Great Adventure. (beat) I can't believe I actually said those words out loud.
(The film's logos are shown: Polygram Films and Lyrick)
NC (vo): I am sorry to say I got the pan-and-scan version, as it's the only one I was able to find. This is especially tragic as we'll miss half the action...
(Cut to a shot of the chariot race from Ben-Hur, with Barney at the reins of the chariot in question)
NC (vo): ...during the chariot race.
NC: Not that you need widescreen to see the incredible visuals this movie starts off with!
(Those incredible visuals are... a black screen with a voiceover of Barney and his Dino friends)
Barney (Bob West): It looks like everybody's here.
B.J. (Patty Wirtz): Oh man, this is gonna be so cool.
Baby Bop (Julie Johnson): Oh, I can't wait to eat popcorn...
NC: (looks around confused) Did Barney kidnap me and this is the point of view from my blindfold?
NC (vo): (as Barney) Ohh, boy! We're gonna make so much money ransoming off your body parts. Let's count how many toes you have left. One... That was fun! Huhuhuhu!
(The opening credits are shown in front of a scenery with a large bridge over a river. After that it cuts to the family of the main characters driving to their grandparents)
NC (vo): I'm not sure why it opened with that, seeing how it cuts to the credits pretty quick with a tonally bizarre lounge song playing us in.
Singer: Barney... the Dinosaur... comes knocking-
NC: I keep expecting a half-drunk singer to be like...
(Cut back to the opening with the picture of a singer edited in)
NC (vo): (as the singer, drunk) Let me tell you why Barney will leave you after you fail the pregnancy test.
Marcella (Kyla Pratt): Are we there yet?
(Cut to the inside of the family car)
Dad (Alan Fawcett): No, not yet, Marcella.
Abigail (Diana Rice): Oh, it's taking too long.
NC: (as the dad, "driving") We'll get to the end credits soon.
Cody (Trevor Morgan): What's your hurry? They’re dumping us for a whole week.
Dad: Ow, come on, Cody, you're gonna have a great time.
Singer: Oh, I fail to understand...
NC: Geesh, are we in the cinematic universe of Ordinary People? I thought we'd be singing about Math by now!
(Abigail makes the Barney doll kiss Cody's cheek)
Cody: Get the doll out of my face.
Marcella and Abigail: Talk to the hand, as the face's saying only the message at home. Beep. (Both of them laugh)
NC: (nodding) I too thought it was brave to make us hate these characters before we even learn their names.
Marcella: That's Barney.
Cody: (Annoyed) The whole world knows it's Barney, and he's a stuffed doll!
Dad: Batteries not included.
(The mother and the girls are laughing about this)
NC: (laughing) I love the look the father give, as if to say...
NC (vo): (as the father) My God, you laughed at that? I mean, I find it funny, because I'm drunk. What's your excuse?
(The family reaches Merrivale, where the Apple Day Festival is coming up. A cut into the car shows that the mother is now the driver)
NC (vo): They see there's an apple festival, after changing drivers offscreen...
(Quick cut to a baffled NC, as the caption "Random" appears below him for a split second)
NC (vo): ... But it doesn't look like they're gonna have time for it.
Mom (Jane Wheeler): Don't count on it, okay?
Cody: Oh, great. The one good thing to do in town, we're probably miss it.
NC: No one ever gets how awesome apples are. (A picture of a Slipknot performance is shown with apples edited over every head of the group members) Remember when Slipknot wear apple masks? That was the shit.
(The family reaches the farm of the grandparents, who are happy to see them arriving)
NC (vo): Their son Cody, though, doesn't seem to be getting into the farm's spirit.
Cody: You don't need cable TV at a farm, Cody. Great scenery.
NC (vo): Cody is played by Trevor Morgan. Who you might remember as the bully from The Sixth Sense and, no kidding, Jurassic Park 3. (Shows the scene where Settler's son watches Barney) The one that actually had Barney the Dinosaur in it.
(The scene with Dr. Grant and Eric from Jurassic Park 3 is shown)
Dr. Grant: This is T-Rex pee? How did you get it?
Eric: You don't wanna know.
NC: (Puts index finger up, then looks at the back cover of the DVD box) Ah, so that's the Barney golden shower song I heard so much about.