Barney's Great Adventure
June 19, 2019
(The Channel Awesome logo and opening titles play)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. There's two kinds of Barneys in the world. One is an obnoxious dinosaur nobody likes to listen to, and the other is purple. OOOOHHH!!!
(Screaming "OHHH!!!", NC jumps up from his seat and runs in a circle around his portrayer, Doug's father, Barney, pointing his fingers at him repeatedly, much to Barney's irritation, all while silly music (sounding like "The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down", the Looney Tunes theme) plays in the background. NC then sits back down again)
NC: This is Barney's Great Adventure.
(The title for this movie is shown, followed by clips of this movie, along with the original Barney and Friends TV show, as well as footage of various TV shows that parody Barney, mostly in a negative light, including Animaniacs, In Living Color, The Simpsons, and the "Jurassic Park" music video by Weird Al Yankovic)
NC (vo): Barney is one of the most fascinating children's icons who ever existed, not because he had much lasting value for kids or adults, but because of the raw, undiluted hatred everybody had for him. Unless you were somewhere between the ages of one and five, chances are, you despised this early '90s educational phenomenon. Everywhere you looked, you either saw Barney, or someone making fun of Barney. There was no one who saw him as just okay. You either liked him as a little kid, or loathed him at every other age. It was kind of amazing. And I'm not gonna lie, I hated this lumpy prune with mouth-guard teeth, too.
NC: (looking up in thought) But it wasn't until recently I started asking myself, "Why?"
NC (vo): I mean, it's for little kids. We don't find ourselves getting this upset at Sesame Street, Dora, Super Why or...
(As he says this, images of all those children's shows NC described are shown, followed by an image of Caillou, which NC doesn't mention by name, and instead mentions the next image being shown...)
NC (vo): ...Word Girl, but something about Barney just ignited a fire within most viewers who have little kids and were forced to watch it. Hell, even people without little kids found themselves repulsed by his...ability to delight toddlers? Yeah, it is weird that we got so angry at this. What's the best way to figure out why he irked people so much? Well, clearly, it's to be irked for an hour and a half, checking out his 1998 cinematic dino dropping. So let's really take a look at why this dead-eyed Mr. Eggplant had really got under people's skin.
NC: (shrugs) Though I think it's safe to say we all have better things to do, let's willingly take a look at Barney's Great Adventure. (beat) I can't believe I actually said those words out loud.
(The film's logos are shown: Polygram Films and Lyrick)
NC (vo): I am sorry to say I got the pan-and-scan version, as it's the only one I was able to find. This is especially tragic as we'll miss half the action during the chariot race.
(Cut to a shot of the chariot race from Ben-Hur, with Barney at the reins of the chariot in question)
NC: Not that you need widescreen to see the incredible visuals this movie starts off with.
(Those incredible visuals are...a black screen with a voiceover of Barney and his dino friends)
Barney (Bob West): It looks like everybody's here.
B.J. (Patty Wirtz): Oh, man, this is gonna be so cool.
Baby Bop (Julie Johnson): Oh, I can't wait to eat popcorn...
NC: (looks around confused) Did Barney kidnap me and this is the point of view from my blindfold?
NC (vo; as Barney): Ohh, boy! We're gonna make so much money ransoming off your body parts. Let's count how many toes you have left. One...that was fun! Ho-ho-ho-ho!
(The opening credits are shown in front of a scenery with a large bridge over a river. After that, it cuts to the family of the main characters driving to their grandparents)
NC (vo): I'm not sure why it opened with that, seeing how it cuts to the credits pretty quick with a tonally bizarre lounge song playing us in.
Bernadette Peters: (singing) Barney...the Dinosaur...comes knocking-
NC: I keep expecting a half-drunk singer to be like...
(Cut back to the opening with the picture of a variety show singer edited in)
NC (vo; as the singer, drunk): Let me tell you why Barney will leave you after you fail the pregnancy test.
Marcella (Kyla Pratt): Are we there yet?
(Cut to the inside of the family car)
Dad (Alan Fawcett): No, not yet, Marcella.
Abby (Diana Rice): Oh, it's taking too long.
NC: (as the dad, "driving") We'll get to the end credits soon.
Cody (Trevor Morgan): What's your hurry? They’re dumping us for a whole week.
Dad: Oh, come on, Cody, you're gonna have a great time.
Bernadette Peters: (singing) Oh, I fail to understand...
NC: Sheesh, are we in the cinematic universe of Ordinary People? I thought we'd be singing about math by now!
(Abby makes the Barney doll kiss Cody's cheek)
Cody: Get the doll out of my face.
Marcella and Abby: Talk to the hand because the face ain't home, leave a message at the tone. Beep. (Both of them laugh)
NC: (nodding) I, too, thought it was brave to make us hate these characters before we even learn their names.
Marcella: That's Barney.
Cody: (annoyed) The whole world knows it's Barney, and he's a stuffed doll!
Dad: Batteries not included.
(The mother and the girls laugh)
NC: (laughing) I love the look the father gives, as if to say...
NC (vo; as the father): My God, you laughed at that? I mean, I found it funny because I'm drunk. What's your excuse?
(The family reaches Merrivale, where the Apple Day Festival is coming up. A cut into the car shows that the mother is now the driver)
NC (vo): They see there's an apple festival, after changing drivers offscreen...
(Quick cut to a baffled NC, as the caption "Random" appears below him for a split second)
NC (vo): ...but it doesn't look like they're gonna have time for it.
Mom (Jane Wheeler): Don't count on it, okay?
Cody: Oh, great. The one good thing to do in town, we'll probably miss it.
NC: Nobody ever gets how awesome apples are. (image of a Slipknot performance is shown with apples edited over every head of the group members) Remember when Slipknot wore apple masks? That was the shit.
(The family reaches the farm of the grandparents, who are happy to see them arriving)
NC (vo): Their son Cody, though, doesn't seem to be getting into the farm's spirit.
Cody: You don't need cable TV at a farm, Cody. Great scenery.
NC (vo): Cody is played by Trevor Morgan, who you might remember as the bully from The Sixth Sense and, no kidding, Jurassic Park III. (The scene where Ellie Settler's son watches Barney from the latter movie is shown) The one that actually had Barney the Dinosaur in it.
(Cut to a clip from Jurassic Park III, showing Eric speaking with Dr. Grant)
Dr. Grant: This is T-Rex pee? How did you get it?
Eric: You don't wanna know.
NC: (holds up index finger, then looks at the back cover of the DVD box) Ah, so that's the Barney golden shower song I've heard so much about.
(Cody grabs the Barney doll away from Abby and runs around the house with Marcella and Abby chasing after him)
NC (vo): Cody takes the Barney doll away and runs around the house with it. Honestly, this is nicer than his usual prank of locking kids in rooms with dead people.
(The clip from The Sixth Sense is shown, with Cole Sear having been locked in his room by a bully Tommy, with the mother pulling on the door)
Lynn Sear: (pounding on door) Cole! Honey, honey, can you hear me?!
NC: Who am I kidding? I'd rather be trapped in that room than one with Barney!
Abby: Cody, where is he?
Cody: (arms crossed, sarcastically) Why don't you "use your imagination"?
(Abby and Marcella shut their eyes hard, while Cody snickers, refusing to believe this)
NC: I know I'm only five minutes in, but Cody's my favorite character.
NC (vo): I totally want him to be an insult comic at... (Cut to a shot of a young girl with tears in her eyes) ...toddlers' birthday parties, along with (image appears in the corner of...) Linus from Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
NC: (holding up index finger) Tell me you wouldn't pay money to see that!
Cody: (confidently) Gee, no Barney.
(Suddenly, however, the shower in the bathroom turns on, getting a surprised Cody's attention)
NC (vo; as Barney): (singing creepily to "I Love You, You Love Me") You diss me, (Abby and Marcella open their eyes, also surprised) I kill you, / All you've heard about Hell is true!
(Turning around very slowly, Cody reaches for the shower curtain to pull it back, but suddenly, the curtain abruptly opens from the inside, revealing the full-size Barney, who laughs. NC, nonplussed, shrugs and then screams at this sight)
NC: I mean, what else can you say but... (screams again)
Barney: (stepping out of the shower) It's so nice to have a shower after a long car trip.
NC (vo; sighs): So, looking at this eye-a-saurus after all these years, it is hitting me with more clarity why it's so easy to dislike him.
NC: One of the biggest reasons: he's creepy-looking!
NC (vo): When you compare him to, say, (image of Disneyland's...) Disney characters or (image of...) the Muppets, who spent years trying to perfect their designs, you can start to tell why.
NC: First off, the eyes.
NC (vo): They're the most expressive part of the face, so either making them very large and complex or smaller and simpler can make a big difference.
NC: Barney's eyes are both big in the wrong way and small in the wrong way.
(Back to the film)
NC (vo): The actual size of his eyes are tiny, but not simple enough to leave a gentle impact. Yet his pupils are huge and literally glassy, always looking dead, stoned, or possessed by Yoshi Satan.
NC: On top of that, his weird-ass teeth!
(The Disneyland characters and Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem are shown)
NC (vo): Again, Disney and the Muppets rarely incorporated that much dental, unless they wanted them to look intentionally weird.
(Another montage is shown, this one of shots that shows characters smiling widely: Garfield from the comics, the Joker from Batman TAS, the Blue Meanie from Yellow Submarine, Luffy from One Piece, Yzma from The Emperor's New Groove, Smiler from The Emoji Movie and NC himself from the title card of Alien vs. Predator review)
NC (vo): You probably noticed a big smile with a lot of teeth often comes across as domineering, or even a little scary. (as NC's picture shows up) Heck, just look at this asshole! And not making them sharp, if anything, kind of makes it even more creepy.
(A shot of Sonic from the infamously released trailer of Sonic the Hedgehog movie... is shown, followed by images of sharks with HUGE human teeth)
NC (vo): Remember when Sonic had normal-looking teeth? Remember when sharks were Photoshopped with normal teeth? It didn't help anything, it just made shit scarier!
NC: So before Barney even says a word, you're already put off by him!
NC (vo): But, books and covers and all that. Maybe his personality has more charm than I remember.
Barney: A towel, please.
NC: (grinning) Well, Barney bathing naked in front of little kids is certainly a good start.
(Cody is speaking to Barney in the barn)
Cody: Real dinosaurs don't laugh. (imitates Barney's chuckling while Barney laughs himself) 'Cause there aren't any real dinosaurs anymore. (Barney continues chuckling)
NC: You know, maybe that's another big factor. I mean, that kid just insulted Barney, and all he did was laugh.
(Radical Edward from Cowboy Bebop and SpongeBob and Patrick from The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie are shown)
NC (vo): Which, for some characters, could work, but for Barney, you know he's just gonna be happy, and that's it.
NC: And believe it or not, even for little kids, that's not very relatable.
(Clips from Why, Charlie Brown, Why? and Arthur are shown next)
NC (vo): Think about why other children's icons stayed with you, because they showed they were more than one emotion.
(A clip from Mister Rogers' Neighborhood's episode that was released in the wake of Robert F. Kennedy's assassination in 1968 is shown)
NC (vo): Mr. Rogers could talk about sad things like death, depression, difficult emotions.
Daniel: What does "assassination" mean? (Lady Aberlin exhales, knowing this won't be easy to explain)
(Cut to a clip from the 1983 episode of Sesame Street that was released after Will Lee (the actor who played Mr. Hooper) died)
NC (vo): Big Bird could feel awful when he finds out he's never gonna see someone ever again.
Susan Robinson: When people die, they don't come back.
Big Bird: (voice breaking down) Ever?
(Another clip of Why, Charlie Brown, Why? is shown)
NC (vo): It's not just one emotion a great children's character can express. It's a gamut of emotions that all kids feel.
(Cut back to Mister Rogers' Neighborhood)
Fred Rogers: To understand those feelings and to better respond to them is what I feel is the most important task in our world.
(Back to Barney's Great Adventure)
NC (vo): Barney would never feel sad or angry or confused; he was just happy all the time, which, after a while, comes across as phony and...even kind of shallow.
NC: And don't get me wrong, I know it's weird to analyze something meant for, like, little, little kids, but part of this analysis is figuring out why everyone else hated him so much.
(More clips from Arthur and the aforementioned 1983 Sesame Street episode are played)
NC (vo): Part of that may be because we remember relating to other kids in media, because it taught us how emotions and conflict work, as well as numbers and letters. And all they had to do was simply have more than one emotion. Imagine Barney having any other emotion other than happy. It would be crazy, because neither his physical nor emotional design support it. He couldn't have the conversations they had on Sesame Street or Mr. Rogers, because there was so little to him.
NC: Imagine if they did, it'd just turn out insane!
(Footage of Barney is shown as NC is heard doing an impression of him)
NC (vo; as Barney): Hi, kids! What does "assassination" mean? (Abby and Marcella jump in surprise) Is that when someone gets killed in a surprise way? That's what happened, you know. That man killed that other man.
NC: (shakes hands negatively) I can't even keep going, it's just too uncomfortable to process!
(Two more clips from Mister Roger's Neighborhood and Sesame Street are shown)
NC (vo): Yet Daniel Tiger, a sock puppet, does it, and it feels more genuine because he isn't obnoxiously happy all the time. Kids can process their emotions, as well as information, without even knowing they're doing it. And Barney flat-out rejects that. All of that, in my opinion, is why he gets on so many people's nerves.
NC: (stunned) Wow. That's impressive. Only a minute of him being on screen, and I figured out why he's such a pain in the ass to everyone. (prepares to leave) Well, I guess I don't need to finish the rest of the movie, and...
(A shot of Barney speaking is shown as NC's impression of Barney suddenly starts speaking to NC)
NC (vo; as Barney): Wait! You still have an hour of movie to cover!
NC: But I just found out why you were so annoying. And...surprisingly knowing that doesn't make you any easier to watch.
NC (vo; as Barney): Come on, don't make me quote other serious subjects that shows better than me covered!
NC: Oh, come on, it can't be that awkward...
NC (vo; as Barney): You mean Mr. Hooper died and he's never coming back? Ever? Why not? Ho-ho-ho-ho! Why won't he ever come back?
NC: (disgusted) Okay! God! Your lack of emotional diversity is terrifying!
NC (vo; as Barney): Oh, good! Ho-ho-ho-ho!
NC: (shakes head in shock) I weep for you.
NC (vo; as Barney): Good! Because I can't.
(NC leans forward, frowning)
NC (vo; as Barney): Ho-ho-ho-ho! Kill me.
(In the barn, Barney and the kids play, swinging on ropes)
Barney and kids: (singing) Imagine, imagine...
NC (vo): So Barney sings about imagination while being happy, whimsical, shoving those who deny him...
Barney and kids: (Barney kicking his legs out as he swings) Imagine, imagine, and you can be...
NC: (snickers) Well, that was awkwardly staged.
NC (vo): I hear less Barney and more of the guy inside the suit saying, "I CAN'T SEE SHIT! PUSH ME TOWARDS SOMETHING SOFT BEFORE I BREAK MY FRIGGIN' SPINE! (A crash sound is heard) MY FRIGGIN' SPINE!!"
Marcella: (singing) It's with me everywhere I go...
(Barney pushes Cody into a wheelbarrow, takes him for a small ride and drops him out of it)
NC (vo; as Barney): Take this, punk. I'll show you what happens to those who leave my cult. Where's my impaling pitchfork?
Cody: My imagination...is you're about to disappear.
NC (vo): Cody tries imagining Barney away to make him disappear.
(Cody closes his eyes really tight)
NC: (shaking head) Forget it, kid, we've been trying that for years.
Cody: Barney the Dinosaur is not in this barn!
(Suddenly, there is a screen wipe to a later scene, showing the farmhouse at night)
NC (vo; makes a startled yelp): George Lucas took over directing!
NC: Wait, that can't be. (An image of Jar Jar Binks appears in the corner) Barney is actually there.
(The kids and their grandparents are seated on the front porch, with Grandpa Greenfield (George Hearn) and girls sitting on a porch swing)
NC (vo): Cody tries telling his grandparents that there's a dinosaur in their barn, and...weird surprise...they don't believe him.
Cody: (spreading out his arms to approximate size) He's very big.
Grandpa Greenfield: Oh, sure, he's big now, but you just wait. These fads come and go.
NC: (nodding) That's the first word of comfort I can relate to in this movie.
Grandpa Greenfield: Cody, I first met your grandmother when I was about your age. (singing, with music in the background) Keep the love light glowing...
NC: A dinosaur in the barn? (waves dismissively) That sounds silly.
NC (vo): A fully-orchestrated song on the porch out of nowhere? That's cold, hard reality.
Barney: (running up) It's beautiful!
(Startled, Cody falls over)
Barney: Whoops. (comes over to help)
NC: (as Barney) Oh, look, he fell! (Camera zooms in on him) By accident. (Eye twitches)
Barney: (helping Cody up) Sorry.
Cody: Sure you are.
NC (vo; as Barney): Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! I don't have you marked for death until Tuesday!
Barney: Ralph, a little guitar music, please?
(Ralph, the family dog, wags his tail over a guitar sitting by the front door. Pleasant music plays on it)
NC: I find that highly suspect. Ralph has no guitar pick.
Barney and the girls: (singing) Twinkle, twinkle, little star...
NC (vo; as one of the girls): Wait a minute, is this the same melody for "ABC"?! Barney's music is a lie!
NC: Actually, it is. (In the corner, an article from the Associated Press is displayed: "Lawsuit Says Purple Dinosaur Owes For 'I Love You' Song") Fun reading. Google it.
Marcella: Come on, Barney, we're gonna go play in the attic.
Abby: We're pretending it's a castle. (The two girls get up from the swing and run into the house, Barney following, while Cody stays outside) I'm gonna be the princess.
Marcella: I'm gonna be the knight.
NC: The torture chamber sounds most apropos.
NC (vo): Cody doesn't want to make-believe, though, so Barney suggests that he wishes upon a star.
Cody: (looking up at the sky, as a huge star floats through it) I wish I could have a real adventure this summer. Do things that no one else has done before. That would be cool.
NC: (crossing his arms) Careful what you wish for...
(Cut to a clip of Jurassic Park III, showing Eric (played by Trevor Morgan, the same as Cody) getting carried off by a Pteranodon)
NC: (smugly) I make no promises that's my last JP3 joke.
(Back to the movie)
Cody: How's that for a wish, Barney? (turns around to see Barney gone) Barney? (looks around)
NC (vo; as Barney, singsong voice): Sleep with one eye open, Cody! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
(A glowing star (or, to be specific, a rather giant egg) falls inside the barn. By the next day, Cody, wearing sunglasses and gray jacket, is surprised to see Barney dressed as a farmer, and approaches him)
NC (vo): The falling star lands in the barn, which turns out to be an egg. The next morning, Cody dresses for a Disney Afternoon commercial, but is shocked to discover not only that Barney is still around, but the film is not above a poop joke.
(Cody accidentally steps in a bit of poop on the ground, much to his and NC's collective disgust)
NC: God, this is a Lucas movie!
(The footage of Cody stepping in the poop is shown again)
NC (vo; as Cody): Aw, man, Pee-yousa! (normal) Downside to having an orchestra play "Old MacDonald"? It can make a C sound like an F sometimes.
Barney and the girls: (singing and dancing with a bunch of chickens) With a cluck-cluck here / And a cluck-cluck there, / Here a cluck, there a cluck, / Everywhere a cluck-cluck...
NC: Barney's Great Brothel (A shot of the poster, with the word "Brothel" instead of "Adventure", is shown) was an unpopular working title, but they still managed to keep those lyrics in.
NC (vo): They find the egg in the barn and try to figure out where it came from.
Cody: It's too big to come from the chickens.
Marcella: Maybe it was a big, giant chicken.
(Everyone, including Barney, stares at her)
NC: (snickers) Even Barney had a look, like...
NC (vo; as Barney): "Bitch, you for real? Hoo-hoo-hoo, shut up." (normal) They go to ask the grandparents if they know what it is, and– (Baby Bop, a small female triceratops, runs up to them) OH, GOD, HE PROCREATES!
Baby Bop: (waving) Oh, hello! (A small green leaf, which is the same color as her skin, falls off) My name is Baby Bop!
NC: (as Baby Bop) I'm shedding...
(The camera zooms in on the leaf falling off)
NC (vo; as Baby Bop): ...as you can see from this green falling off me!
NC: (as Baby Bop) Fools, this isn't even my final form!
Baby Bop: And I'm looking for my blankie. Do you know where my blankie is?
NC: (nodding) It's wherever the script is, I'm sure.
(And with that, we go to a commercial break. Upon return, the movie resumes)
NC (vo): So the kids tell the grandparents about the egg. The grandparents say a bird lady down the way might know what kind of egg it is, so they decide to go there.
(The kids travel by horseback through a forest as a whimsical-sounding music with a choir is heard)
NC: (nervously) Forgiveness. We seem to have entered Edward Scissorhands' Jurassic Flicka...Park.
Marcella and Abby: Barney?
(The kids look around nervously, calling out to Barney's name, who seems to be nowhere to be seen for whatever reason)
NC (vo; as Barney): Don't worry. One of many friendly bears is ripping my insides out! I'm so happy, I can and will die!
(Suddenly, a hedge-themed door opens, revealing the abode of the bird lady, named Mildred Goldfinch, that the kids' grandparents mentioned earlier)
NC: Whoa! This bird lady has...
(Cut to a shot of a metal tree, with metallic leaves and acorns)
NC (vo): ...a wicked stash! No wonder everyone's happy all the time if they had these second-hand smells next door!
Abby: People from all over the world send her birds that are sick.
Mildred (Renee Madeline Le Guerrier): (lowering an elevator cage down for everyone to enter) And once I help them get well, (opens cage door) most of them want to stay.
NC: (as Mildred) Some call it "kidnapping", I call it "relocating their souls".
(The elevator cage raises everyone into Mildred's home, which looks pretty fanciful)
NC (vo): Jesus, if Pee-wee Herman had a birdhouse, it'd be a conservative church compared to this!
Mildred: This is my library.
(As Mildred shows everyone around, Abby turns to the camera with a huge, creepy-looking grin on her face)
NC: (as Abby, imitating her creepy grin) Forgive me, I pulled a muscle...
(Cut back to Abby's creepy grin)
NC (vo): ...and now my face is stuck like this.
NC: Oh, what fresh nightmare my future will be!
Barney: Well, if we want to find out, we've surely...
(Mildred is dragging away a gurney on which a parrot is lying)
NC (vo; as parrot): (squawks) Call the police! She touches me in wrong places! (squawks again)
(As Mildred holds up the egg, they all sing as Barney and the kids run around her)
Everyone: (singing) When we wonder what's inside...
NC (vo): They sing a song about hatching the egg, and apparently the movie's so bored, they count reading as a musical number.
(For a brief period of time, everyone reads books silently, moving around in various sitting/standing positions as they do)
NC: (as Barney) Using your imagination, kids, you can imagine this being more entertaining! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
(Now Mildred and the kids are seated on a spinning swing ride in mid-air as they pass by Barney, who gives them books as they pass by him)
NC (vo): What does this thing have to do with studying birds?
(Suddenly, a colored ring lights up on the egg)
Cody and Marcella: Whoa!
Abby: Another ring is lighting up!
NC (vo): The egg adds a different color stripe as they can't figure out what kind of animal could be inside.
(Barney and the kids stare silently at the egg, trying to figure out what animal is inside, while Marcella's clocks are all heard ticking)
NC: Thank God film was used to capture that.
NC (vo): They find a book that has a picture of the egg on the cover, and it says there's a Dream Maker inside.
Mildred: (reading) "Every thousand years or so, an egg falls from the skies, for boys and girls around the world, for children everywhere..."
NC: (confused, then shrugs) Science.
NC (vo): They say when the egg's rings all light up, it has to be back to where it landed in order for it to hatch. But Cody accidentally knocks it on the birdseed truck, and it drives off with it.
(Everyone expresses concern at what's going on, even though Barney's cheerful expression never changes)
NC (vo): Barney, this is serious! Stop smiling!
Marcella: I think I might have an idea.
(Cut back to the earlier clip of Barney and the kids thinking and staring silently at the egg, then the movie resumes, with the driver of the birdseed truck, who somehow manages to make an ice cream shake while driving)
NC (vo): The birdseed deliverer drives off, while making an ice cream shake with a machine built into his truck.
NC: (shaking his head) I am way too okay with this thing existing in most vehicles.
(The driver, however, is not looking where he is going and he almost drives into a barricade, where a police officer tries to stop. The driver turns the truck fast, sending the barrel of seed with the egg in it flying out, but Barney grabs the barrel as its contents spill out)
NC (vo): While doing that, though, he accidentally drives into the Apple Festival Parade, with Barney following.
(Barney looks inside the barrel, which is empty, with the bottom taken out. Through the barrel, he sees that he's hurtling toward a clown holding up a whole bunch of balloons at once)
(The kids all cover their eyes at the inevitable impact, and the clown, now without balloons, now has the barrel over his body)
NC (vo): How the hell did that happen?!
NC: I've seen that to a square peg fit in a round hole is easier than what you did there!
(As he says the above, an image of a square peg trying to be put in a round hole appears in the corner. In the movie, Barney is interacting with several costumed characters, including a giraffe, a fruit of some kind (either an apple or a cherry) wearing a cowboy hat, and a cartoonish plane with the word "Southwest" written on it)
Fruit character: Hey, Barney, long time no see! (giggles)
Barney: Good to see ya! (giggles as he turns to leave)
NC: Guess you have to know the Barney mythos in order to follow that.
NC (vo): They find the egg in the middle of the parade, which, thank God, is positioned in the middle of a bizarrely egg-needing song number. Seriously, that egg must have shown up to rehearsals!
(A tuba player toots a note with such force that the egg, in the tuba, gets launched into the air. Marcella watches in horror. It gets caught, however, by another friend of Barney's, B.J., the yellow dinosaur wearing the baseball cap)
NC (vo): The egg gets launched and is caught by a character named B.J. Well, he's gonna have a lot of fun in school.
B.J.: B.J. Yeah!
(The kids and Barney run up to B.J., as we briefly cut back again to the kids and Barney silently thinking/staring at the egg. Then the movie resumes again, with the egg landing on a woman's fancy hat as she walks into an upper-crust restaurant)
NC (vo): It gets lost again, though, and they follow it into a restaurant.
(The kids and Barney go inside, and Abby spots the lady with the egg on her)
Abby: (pointing) There it is!
(The lady looks up, tipping her hat down, and dropping the egg onto a plate, which one of the waiters in the restaurant covers over. As the kids and Barney head over toward the lady, the maitre d' stops them)
NC (vo; as maitre d'): We have a strict "no-Kraft-Macaroni-and-Cheese mascots" in this establishment.
(Moments later, Barney appears on the stage in a tuxedo, wearing gloves on his hands and spats on his feet, and holding a cane as he does a song-and-dance number on the stage, "If All the Raindrops")
Barney: (singing) If all the raindrops / Were lemon drops and gumdrops...
NC (vo): Barney creates a distraction so they can go looking for the egg without anyone noticing.
(Green arrows point out different restaurant patrons as the kids open up various lids while they look for the egg; not one of them is all that upset)
NC (vo): And as you can see, it's working great.
Barney: (singing) Oh, what a rain that would be!
(The restaurant staff and patrons alike all start dancing in place, with one waiter laughing goofily as he dances, while the maitre d' stands there dancing with a creepy grin on his face)
NC: (surprised) That dude's looking like...
NC (vo; as maitre d', whispering): I had no idea purple dinosaurs were my fetish! My life is made and destroyed at the same time!
(The maitre d' walks up to Barney and the kids)
NC (vo): Hey, kids, still learning to read? Have fun with this!
Maitre d': (to Barney, speaking French, with subtitles on the screen) My friend, from the bottom of my heart, you are purple and magnificent!
Barney: (also speaking French, with subtitles on the screen) Ah, Sir, you are too kind. The pleasure is all ours.
NC: Barney knows French. Why is that the weirdest thing to me in this movie?
NC (vo): The restaurant tells them that they sent the egg to the circus, as they assumed it was a joke from them. You know, circuses sending eggs to random restaurants. BARNEY says it's a thing!
(Barney and the kids arrive at the circus and see the egg being launched through the air by an acrobat who jumps onto a seesaw)
NC (vo): They lose the egg at the circus and hide inside during a storm. And just in time, as it appears the editor is so anxious to end this stinker, he starts cutting off Barney's dialogue.
Barney: When the rain stops, we can look around some more. And then maybe we can find i- (The dialogue is cut short)
Cody: We already looked around!
NC: Yeah, that wasn't me, it was edited that way!
(The scene is replayed)
Barney: And then maybe we can find i- (The dialogue is cut short)
Cody: We already looked around!
NC (vo): Maybe the director pulled out his vocal chords when he discovered he runs a tantric sex business on the side.
Abby: You don't even wanna find it!
NC: No, don't play the rest of that clip, we're gonna address this. The actual actor of Barney runs a tantric sex business! (A news article of Barney's actor, David Joyner, running a sex business appears on screen) You are every flavor of welcome for that!
(Cut once more to the kids and Barney silently thinking/staring at the egg. Then the movie resumes again, with the kids and Barney inside the circus tent)
NC (vo): And just in case you thought Barney couldn't pull off serious moments, here's proof that you're right.
(Barney is shown "sadly" walking onto the circus platform, looking down and still wearing that nightmare-inducing smile)
NC: Not since Citizen Kane said "Rosebud" and walked quietly...
(The famous scene from Citizen Kane is shown, as described by NC)
NC (vo): ...down an endless abyss of mirrors, with only himself staring back, has a moment of silent reflection been so beautifully captured.
(Cut back to Barney's "sad reaction")
NC (vo): Or it just looks like an awkward smiling Chuck E. Cheese performer, lost outside the arcade.
Barney: (singing) We'll solve the situation with our imagination! / We're gonna find a way! We're Super-Dee...
NC: (shakes head) Even the kids are done with this shit.
(The kids are shown with bored expressions)
NC (vo; as one of the kids): Just run Clifford the Dog and we'll call it a day.
(They eventually join Barney in dancing and singing)
NC (vo): Because the kids are sheep, they give in to the madness, but not before a little Barney R&B, though.
(The kids dance R&B-style moves with Barney)
NC: (giving an A-OK sign) Nailed that demographic!
(Outside, a tall, mustachioed man in a tall hat and holding an umbrella and binoculars stares down at the kids and Barney, whose eyes are MUCH wider than usual from this man's perspective)
NC (vo): They go outside to continue looking for the egg and– (sees Barney's wide eyes from the tall man's perspective) Wow, Barney should never be shot from that angle! (as Barney) Oh, my God, this purple meth just kicked in! And you're looking like Willy Wonka painted over Jack Skellington, man! Meth, kids, meth! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Tall man: (pointing) Clear over that way, by the balloons!
(Off in the distance, a whole bunch of hot-air balloons are taking flight, and Barney and the kids run out toward them)
NC (vo): They're told the egg is by the incredibly timeless balloon effects as somebody is taking it up with them.
Marcella: Now we're never gonna get it back in time!
Cody: It's gonna take some imagination. Right, Barney?
NC (vo; as Barney): I...don't recall ever working that into my rhetoric.
Abby: (wide-eyed surprise) Did you really say "imagination"?
Cody: Well, yeah, it's been kind of an unusual day, okay?
NC (vo): Cody's my spirit animal. They get onboard a log and try to pretend it's a plane.
Barney: (looking into camera) I think we need your help. I'd like you to pretend that we can really fly.
(The credits for the movie start to roll, then cut back once more to the kids and Barney silently thinking/staring at the egg. Then the movie resumes again, with the kids and Barney on the log, which has turned into a plane somehow, complete with wings and a propeller and Barney wearing goggles. The plane flies toward the balloons)
NC (vo): No, of course they start flying, because this movie's rigged, and they try to make it to the balloon with the egg.
(The movie continues with the scene of Barney and the kids flying their log plane through tacky, low-budget, hot-air balloon effects)
Barney: Oh, look out! Oh, nice balloon. Oh, excuse us!
NC: Yeah, can you imagine a higher effects budget when you get a chance?
NC (vo): Elf Bowling is looking like Frozen II compared to this!
(In the balloon with the egg in it, the balloon pilot (played by Steffen Foster) takes out a telescope and looks through it to spot Barney and the kids flying toward him in their plane)
NC (vo): They come across the guy who has it, and let's see if his accent is just as subtle as his mugging.
(As the camera closes in on him, the man in the balloon stares, wide-eyed, and then becomes exaggeratedly confused)
Man in balloon: (speaking with some pronounced accent of some kind) See, I traveled all over the world, collecting things. (gestures toward the egg) This is the most beautiful egg I've ever seen.
NC: (shakes head) Subtler. (nods)
(The man drops the egg, but the kids in the plane catch it, and the plane crashes into a haystack near the kids' grandparents' farm, just as the grandparents come out to find them)
NC (vo): They catch the egg and fly back home, where the grandparents see them playing.
Cody: I'd like you to meet a friend of ours: Barney... (He and the girls gesture toward the haystack) the Dinosaur.
(Barney emerges from the haystack)
Grandpa Greenfield: (shocked) Hey! HEY!!
NC: (as Grandpa Greenfield) Stand back!
NC (vo; still as Grandpa Greenfield): I saw this guy on To Catch a Predator! Someone let Chris Hansen out of jail and put this guy in his place!
(B.J. appears in the barn's hayloft and slides down on the rope hanging in front of it)
B.J.: Look out below!
NC (vo): B.J. also joins the gang.
B.J.: (running up) Hi, guys! Was that cool or what?
NC: That's a hard "what".
NC (vo): The last ring lights up, and they put the egg back in the farm, where it hatches.
(Upon hatching, the egg reveals...a strange koala-like alien)
NC: (sarcastically) Aww, it's so disappointing.
(As the strange creature is shown again, a shot of Murky Dismal appears in the upper-left corner, followed by a shot of an Ewok in the upper-right corner)
NC (vo): Like the villain from Rainbow Brite made it with an Ewok. An impossible love meant to stay impossible.
Abby: It's trying to tell us its name.
Baby Bop: Twinken.
Abby: What did you say? Twinken?
Baby Bop: Twinken.
NC: (confused, thinking of how Baby Bop mispronounced Twinken for "Twinklet") Sounds like...
(As the scene plays again, an image of a sexy woman with Piglet's head is displayed)
NC (vo): ...a Winnie the Pooh prostitute.
NC: We really shouldn't dictate its life choices early.
NC (vo): It shows their dreams and visions, because...magic, I guess...as Cody reveals he was a doofus for not appreciating Barney earlier. No, don't give in to the Dark Side!
Cody: (to Barney) I was a big doofus before, and, I think you're pretty cool.
NC: (as Cody) Enough to accept years of school bullying for taking on this role. (Beat) God, I hope this is a good paycheck.
(Twinken flies into the air and explodes into a shower of fireworks)
NC (vo): Twinken flies away and apparently shows what Barney's dream is.
Barney: It's a special time, a special place, and sharing it all with the people I love.
NC: (as Barney) Or he exploded! (The explosion is shown again) Maybe his lifespan was only a few minutes. I don't know. Dreams.
NC (vo): Of course, they sing "I Love You, You Love Me" as they enjoy being one big, happy family with the parents nowhere in sight.
(Cut to the end of the closing credits, which notes that no dinosaurs were harmed in the making of this movie)
NC (vo): The film even ends by making it clear no dinosaurs were harmed during the making of this film.
NC: No, thankfully, they've been dead for millions of years before any real damage could befall them.
(The film's clips are shown one more time as NC gives his final thoughts on it)
NC (vo): Barney's Great Adventure is as stupid, annoying, and pointless as you would think, but for little, little kids, it's...not doing any wrong. It has no charm, but it has no bad messages either, apart from "just believe hard enough and you can fly". Okay, that can easily be taken the wrong way, but I've yet to see any injuries from it. Barney won't last like many other great media for little children, but as fads go, there are...worst ones. This one was just an easy target, and you can see why. Is it awful? No. Is it good? Hell, no! It's just a waste of time for little kids to forget about shortly after. Is it better to show them something with more emotional connections as much as informational connections? Absolutely. But I can't see this doing anyone any harm, just getting on people's nerves. A cinematic misdemeanor in my book, but still an annoying one, to say the least.
NC: (folding hands together) Maybe Barney would have turned out better if he actually had a good sense of humor. (Beat) And the dinosaur could use help, too. OOOOHHH!!!
(Screaming "OHHH!!!", NC once again jumps up from his seat and once again runs in a circle around his father, Barney, pointing his fingers at him repeatedly, all while silly music plays in the background. This time, however, Barney stops NC, grabbing him by his shoulders and kneeing him in the crotch. Crippled, NC falls over)
Barney: (looking into camera) He's the Nostalgia Critic, and he's gonna remember that. (leaves)
NC: (groans) Love you, Dad...
(One last clip of the kids and Barney silently thinking/staring at the egg is shown)
Channel Awesome tagline - Barney and girls: (singing) With a cluck-cluck here / And a cluck-cluck there, / Here a cluck, there a cluck, / Everywhere a cluck-cluck...
(The credits roll)