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Barbie in the Nutcracker

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Barbie in the Nutcracker

Release Date
December 18, 2024
Running Time
19:57
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(The shortened title sequence plays. Then we see NC with a frown and his eyes rolled. It is clear he does not want to review this movie.)

NC: (grudgingly) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Here, under protest, is Barbie: Nutcracker.

(The title for Barbie in the Nutcracker pops up. Scenes from the film play as the "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" plays in the background.)

NC (vo): As I've mentioned in the past, the Nutcracker ballet is very easy to adapt with other IP. It's a simple story with free music that every kid knows and likes listening to, so naturally Barbie did an adaptation in 2001. This is back when Barbie did a lot of direct-to-video CG movies, and this was her first one. And apparently, it left an impact because a lot of people over the years have been asking me to review it. My answer was usually "I don't wanna!" But people have been asking for so long, I guess this holiday season, I'll make an exception. I've never seen one of these before, because – well, do I look like someone who's ever seen one of these before?

NC: Current suit excluded.

NC (vo): But I'm aware there's a whole bunch of people who grew up with this, so I guess I'd better look it over. Let's visit our favorite temp job addict... (Several Barbie dolls in varying outfits are shown.)

NC: Let's watch Barbie in the Nutcracker. A 43-year-old man just said that.

(The film's opening credits are shown. Two faeries appear.)

NC: (grudgingly) I already hate this.

NC (vo): You look like black makeup should be... (an image of a bunch creepy-looking dolls pops up) ...spat on you and thrown into a haunted house.

(Barbie and her little sister Kelly are practicing the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy in a dance studio.)

NC (vo): The film opens in a ballet school for the most plastic of dancers as Barbie appears to be a teacher.

Kelly (voice of Chantal Strand): Ooooh! I'm never gonna get all of these steps right, Barbie!

(Barbie pauses the music on the boombox.)

Barbie (voice of Kelly Sheridan): If you keep practicing, you will.

NC: Just do it like this person (a clip of Barbie posing pops up) literally sculpted to be absolute perfection!

Kelly: What if I freeze out there?

Barbie: You've just gotta find the courage to try.

NC: Okay. I know this is 2001, but this really does look like...

(A screenshot of a cutscene from Barbie and Her Sisters: Puppy Rescue pops up.)

NC (vo): ...a cutscene from a Barbie video game!

Barbie: Like Clara. Clara lost her parents when she was very young.

NC: (as Kelly) Well, now I'm in a good mood! Thanks, teach!

NC (vo): We transition to her story, where we see Clara – and her brother Tommy – being raised by their grandfather.

Grandfather Drosselmayer (voice of French Tickner): We have to finish decorating before our guests arrive!

Clara (voice of Kelly Sheridan): Yes, Grandfather.

(...)

(A clip from the Astronaut Barbie commercial is shown.)

(...)

Maid (voice of Cathy Weseluck): It's beautiful, miss!

Clara: Mother gave this to me.

(...)

Maid: (offscreen) Oh, dear!

Clara: (suspiciously) Hmm... You haven’t seen Tommy, have you?

(...)

Clara: You might want to wash off that frosting.

Tommy (voice of Alex Doduk): You can't tell me what to do!

Clara: I'm sure Grandfather will insist on a bath.

NC (vo, as Tommy): Oh, god! He always bathes with me!

Aunt Elizabeth (voice of Kathleen Barr): Clara!

(...)

Aunt Elizabeth: I met an emperor, I sailed on a junk, I had my first rickshaw ride...

NC (vo, as Aunt Elizabeth): And I discovered something called a "hot frosty"!

NC (vo, as Clara): That Netflix movie?

NC (vo, as Aunt Elizabeth): Sure…

(...)

Tommy: He sure is ugly.

Clara: Tommy!

(...)

Clara: I must be dreaming!

(...)

NC (vo): In walks their king, played by...

Mouse King: Even as a nutcracker, you're a thorn in my side!

NC: (leaning forward excitedly) Could it be???

(The cast page on IMDB is shown, and yes, indeed, Tim Curry is the voice of the Mouse King! NC squeals excitedly as the Hallelujah chorus plays in the background.)

NC: Thank you, sweet casting director saying, "Some people with a penis might get stuck watching this. Let's give a little something for them!"

(The Nutcracker pushes a book on top of the Mouse King and his army.)

NC: (with a dangerous edge) I swear on Kris Kringle's BALLSACK if that is his only scene...

(The Mouse King pushes the book off of himself.)

NC: Oh good! For a minute I was about to steal a random kid's Barbie and decapitate it (an image of a headless Barbie is shown).

NC: Tell me it wouldn't be unreasonable after that!

Mouse King: Meddling human towering tall, let my scepter shrink you small!

NC (vo, as the Mouse King): Twinkle twinkle, pinkish star. Time to turn you into cheese...

(Tim Curry's scene as Mr. Hector in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York is shown.)

Mr. Hector: ...pizza.

(...)

Mouse King: You've got nowhere to run, nutcracker!

(...)

Nutcracker (voice of Kirby Morrow): Thank you for saving my life.

Clara: Uh, you're welcome!

Nutcracker: I've got to return home to Parthenia while I have the chance.

(...)

Owl (voice of Kathleen Barr): Perhaps I can help.

(...)

Owl: You will find the Sugar Plum Princess on an island across the Sea of Storms.

(...)

Owl: Once you've found the Sugar Plum Princess, open the locket and you will return home your normal size.

(...)

(As Clara and the Nutcracker enter the portal, the HBO fanfare plays in the background and eventually goes to the presentation card.)

(...)

Nutcracker: Must've taken a wrong turn back there.

(...)

Clara: A firefly?

Nutcracker: A snow fairy.

(...)

Nutcracker: Welcome to Parthenia!

Clara: It’s so beautiful!

(...)

Clara: The trees smell like peppermint.

(...)

Clara: And you're sure the Sugar Plum Princess can help?

Pimm (voice of Peter Kelamis): Interesting.

(...)

Mouse King: You insolent little bat! I should turn you into a ceiling fan!

(...)

Nutcracker: I didn't know things had gotten this bad.

(...)

Clara: Ow!

(...)

Clara: Ow!

Baby Herman: (audio) Excuse me, Toots.

Nutcracker: It's alright. They’re just children.

(...)

Peppermint Girl (voice of Britt McKillip): It was the Mouse King's army!

(...)

Gingerbread Boy (voice of Danny McKinnon): This is all Prince Eric's fault!

Clara: Who's Prince Eric?

(...)

Mouse Soldier: There they are!

Clara: Come on, into the woods!

(...)

Voice: Up here!

(...)

Nutcracker: You make the prince sound pretty awful.

Major Mint (voice of Christopher Gaze): That's a compliment!

Captain Candy (voice of Ian James Corlett): (to Major Mint) You're forgetting that Prince Eric was my friend.

(...)

Major Mint: I don’t have time to search for some...Sugar... Pie...

(...)

Major Mint: (scoffs and sputters)

(A clip from Monty Python's Life Of Brian is shown in the corner)

Roman Soldier Leader: Stop it!

(...)

Captain Candy: We've tried everything else to defeat the mouse.

(...)

Mouse King: The Sugar Plum Princess. Kind, clever, and brave. (confused) That’s it?

(...)

Clara: You’re more than a nutcracker, Prince Eric.

Nutcracker: Now I don’t deserve to be...

Clara: You're risking your life to save your kingdom! Isn't that what princes do?

(...)

Major Mint: The Captain and I will make a boat seaworthy, while you two gather...supplies.

(...)

Clara: Major! Captain!

(...)

Clara: Be careful!

Nutcracker: Don't worry. Wood floats.

(...)

Clara: No!

(...)

Clara: I could always go back home... I'm sure I've got some doll clothes that would fit.

NC: Good lord, if this was any more commercial, I'd have to review it wearing this!

!

(As he says this, an image of NC's "I 🍩 Donuts" t-shirt pops up.)

(...)

Clara: The king needs you right away in the courtyard! He said if you didn’t hurry, you’d spend the rest of your lives as houseflies!

(...)

Clara: Why would the Mouse King post guards on an empty room?

(...)

Nutcracker: There's more to being a king than having a crown!

(...)

Mouse King: Those peasants who do challenge me, living statuary be!

(...)

Mouse King: With the brawn of twenty and six, I’ll smite my enemy into sticks!

NC (vo, as the Mouse King): With all my might, I scream and shout...

(The scene from IT where Pennywise appears in the library is shown.)

Pennywise: ...Do you have Prince Albert in a can? You do? Well, you better let the poor guy out! (lightly knocks on his crotch with his fist) Wah-hah!...

(...)

(The cover for Barbie as The Princess and the Pauper pops up.)

(...)

Prince Eric (voice of Kirby Morrow): Clara, it's you! You are the Sugar Plum Princess!

(...)

(An image of Corky pops up.)

(...)

Prince Eric: ...I love you.

(...)

Eric (voice of Kirby Morrow): May I have this dance?

(...)

Clara: I couldn’t say no to the king!

(...)

Kelly: So, if Clara hadn't been brave, she would have never found out she was a princess!

(...)

Kelly: I did it!

Barbie: I always knew you could.

(...)

NC: And that was Barbie in the Nutcracker. What do you think I thought of it?

(Footage from the film is shown as NC prepares to give his final thoughts.)

NC (vo): It's not good as your average movie goes, but for a direct-to-video flick meant for tiny kids, it gives what it promises. It's a loose telling of the Nutcracker story, but I guess closer than other interpretations (an image of another interpretation is shown). It's got the classic music in there, and again, it is nice they actually have a fair amount of ballet dancing, even if most of its saved till the end. Once in a while it goes a little further visually than it needs to, given no doubt the time and budget restraints. Tim Curry, of course, is having a lot of fun and nobody's doing a bad job. There's just nothing of interest for adults or older kids. It'd be like harshly judging a children's book on tea parties, it just seems kind of silly to be angry at it. It's not annoying or painful to sit through, I'm just not the right person or age for it. If you expect me to watch this every Christmas, no amount of nutcracking is ever going to get me to that point.

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (He gets up and leaves the room.)

Channel Awesome Tagline – Major Mint: (scoffs and sputters)

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