March 21, 2017
(NC 2017 intro plays; cut to an exterior shot of the NC's studio, covered in bits of snow, and set in the future (according to an appropriate subtitle), with the sun setting in the distance; a little girl played by Tamara runs into the studio, holding a teddy bear in her arms.)
Little Girl: Wow! So this is where all the Nostalgia Critic episodes were filmed years ago! (she looks around)
Aunt Despair (also played by Tamara): (coming in) You got it, bucko. They kept everything the same to preserve its history. Look at all the reviews that they did.
Aunt Despair: (pointing to Batman v Superman poster) There's Shrek... (points to Mad Max poster) There's Schindler's List Saves Christmas... (points to Pixels poster) ...And that one. (points offscreen) But this... this is what I really wanted to show ya.
(The girl looks down at where Aunt Despair is pointing; it's a DVD for Balto; she looks quite surprised)
Little Girl: Is that the DVD from the Balto review, Aunt Despair?
Aunt Despair: Yep, and I was there when it was shot.
Little Girl: GASP! You mean it's a true story?!
Aunt Despair: (holding up a small flat bottle) Based... Based on a true story.
Little Girl: Wow! Would you mind telling me the tale, Aunt Despair?
Aunt Despair: (unscrewing the bottle) After I have a sip of my storytelling sauce. (takes a drink)
Little Girl: Oh, the same sauce that makes you good at slow-mo leapfrog with me.
Aunt Despair: Our story begins on the Nostalgia Critic, sitting down at the desk he normally does...
(We then cross-dissolve to the NC sitting in his usual spot.)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Let's talk about a little film called Balto.
(The title is shown, before going to the clips.)
NC (vo): Despite it doing poorly with both critics and box office, the film eventually found success on home video, leading to a ton of VHS and DVD sales. So, I guess it got the reputation of the not really little film that not really could, but turned into profit eventually, so... (DVD covers for Balto 2: Wolf Quest and Balto 3: Wings of Change are shown) table-scrap sequels for all! Based on a true story, it covers a dogsled that has to race against time to get medicine to a town full of dying children. Even though it's gathered the nostalgic following, we should still ask, "Does the film really hold up years later?"
NC: Whether it does or doesn't, we're not gonna get any movies about heroic cat sleds, are we?
(A cat puppet suddenly appears.)
Cat Puppet: Hey! I resent that!
(Both NC and the cat puppet start laughing until we cut to the Little Girl.)
Little Girl: Wait a minute, wait a minute! There's talking animals in this?
Aunt Despair: Sure, why not?
Little Girl: I thought you said this was a true story.
Aunt Despair: Based, based.
Little Girl: Did you just hallucinate that there were talking animals?
Aunt Despair: Possible. I just had a Nicotine Patches to my daily smoking, so I'm feeling a little queasy. I'ma lie down.
Little Girl: But what about the story?
Aunt Despair: Okay. Are you gonna shut up or you gonna keep being little Ms. YouTube Comments?
Little Girl: (hugging her teddy) Okay. I'm sorry.
Aunt Despair: That's better. (clears throat in a disgusting way, causing Little Girl to grimace in revolution) That's a good high. Anyways, the Critic started his review...
(The scene fades to NC's room. NC calms down his laughing.)
NC: Let's take a look at Balto.
(The movie starts.)
NC (vo): So this animated story about a dog racing across Alaska opens with live-action people in the middle of New York.
NC: You sure we didn't put on Professor Sprout visits the Muggleverse? (We see footage of old Rosy beside him)
NC (vo): A woman and her grandchild are looking for a memorial site, as she decides to force the kid to sit on a bench for an hour and a half while she tells the story.
Rosy (Miriam Margolyes): In the cold winter of 1925, it was snowing hard. (The film shifts from live-action to animation as we're shown a snowy forest as she says this.)
NC: (as Rosy) Things were animated back then. I dare even say, with a Spielberg vibe!
(A group of sled dogs is seen running.)
NC (vo): We see Alaska's portrayal of Ben-Fur...
(NC joyfully listens to the booing of the audience.)
NC (vo): ...as we're introduced to our half-wolf, half-dog hybrid, Balto, played by Kevin Bacon. He's also joined by a goose, played by, I think, Bob Hoskins' drunken rants from the Super Mario Bros. movie.
Boris (Bob Hoskins): (yelling with a clear accent) When will you learn to stay on the sidelines?!
NC: Aww. It's his best Russian accent since Enemy at the Gates.
(Cut to a clip from the said movie, with Nikita Khrushchev speaking to the Russian soldiers.)
Khrushchev (Hoskins): (with almost the same accent) Stalingrad.
(Back to Balto.)
NC (vo): They're watching a sled race led by a dog named Steele, who is so mean that literally every frame is determined to convince you he's pure evil!
(A montage of clips focusing on Steele is followed, the latter talking with a very expressive animation.)
Steele (Jim Cummings): (to Balto) Get out of here, wolf-dog. You'd better get back to your (spits) pack. / (to Jenna) Well, maybe your taste runs more toward...wolf. / (carrying sausages in his mouth) Jenna, join me for dinner.
NC (vo): I've never seen a bad guy where, every second, he's moving in some sort of obviously diabolical manner.
Steele: (to Balto) You were the fastest...what? / (after Jenna says no to him) Ohh. (inhales)
NC (vo): Most villains have some normal everyday movements, but 24/7, this guy is like...
NC: (speaks in an over-the-top villain fashion while also jiggling his hands) Would you like some ice creeeam? You can trust meeee! I'm oooozing with pleasantness!
NC (vo): Every angle is evil, (a small clip of Steele howling to the sky is shown) except for maybe this one that...that looks like a girl's T-shirt from an AnimeCon... (a picture of a said girl is shown briefly, with howling Steele Photoshopped on her shirt) But look at this! Even when he's turning around, he looks evil!
Steele: (as he walks towards Balto while also turning to the camera) I'm sorry. Balto. Balto the half-breed. (The other dogs all ooh and laugh at this.)
NC: (still speaking in the same villain fashion, with chair turned right) Oh, you want me to turn around? Okay! (He turns around very close to the camera, laughing madly) Oh! You want me to do it again?!
NC (vo): Everybody mocks Balto for being a hybrid, the humans are afraid of him, and the dogs think he's an outcast. Leading to probably the film's most poignant line.
Boris: Not a dog, not a wolf. All he knows is what he is not.
NC: Wow, that was actually pretty heavy. How are you gonna follow something as complex as that up?
(Wind-up cat toy wheels by Balto curled up under a blanket.)
NC: (pause) So that just happened.
NC (vo): Oh, there's also Bob Hoskins doing the goose step.
(Boris tries to cheer Balto up with Russian dancing.)
NC: So, at this point, you might be wondering where does the comedy in this kids' film lie, particularly with the goose.
NC (vo): Is this LEGO Batman funny (The LEGO Batman Movie poster is shown) or The Nut Job territory? (The Nut Job poster is then shown) Well, let's look at the chart.
(The round chart with various annoying characters is shown, clockwise: B.E.N. from Treasure Planet (1 - Slightly Annoying), Olaf from Frozen (2 - Eye Twitch Worthy), the Minions from Despicable Me (3 - Just Annoying Enough), Snarf from Thundercats (4 - Damn Obnoxious), Orko from He-Man and the Masters of the Universe (5 - Shit, It's That Kind of Show) and Gurgi from The Black Cauldron (6 - Burn it and Salt the Ground). Boris' head, located in the center, starts moving slowly.)
NC (vo): Yes... Yes... (The head ends up in...) DAMN IT! Just Annoying Enough!
NC: They've entered the Sinbad Zone!
(Muk and Luk, the polar bear brothers, show up.)
NC (vo): Oh, there's also these...I think polar bears, but they look more like Moogles (from Final Fantasy) if they ate Chien-Po. And to possibly make things worse, they're voiced by Phil Collins.
Muk (Phil Collins): We love you, Uncle Boris!
NC: Oh, Christ! (picks up the movie's DVD case, looking at the credits and description) Not a musical. Oh, you are a kind movie!
(Muk and Luk, and then Balto and Boris jump off a boat they were standing on; Balto slides down and makes a pose.)
NC (vo): So while having fun at beautiful o'clock and presumably striking a trailer pose...
NC: Let me see here... (A VHS trailer for the movie is shown, with the same clip serving as the background for the title.) Yup. That's uncompressed enchantment.
NC (vo): ...bad news seems to be rolling in.
(We are shown a telegrapher sending a Morse code message.)
NC (vo): ("translating" the message in a robotic voice) Movie lagging. Need story. Send disease, preferably child-killing. (normal, after a "ding!" sound is heard upon going to the next scene) There you go! A horrible epidemic seems to be sweeping the town, as Rosy, the woman telling the story shown here as a kid, is being comforted by her dog Jenna, played by Bridget Fonda.
(Little Rosy, without her coat on, plays with Jenna outside until she starts coughing. Rosy's father appears, holding a coat.)
Rosy's father (William Roberts): Rosy, come on. You're gonna catch your death out here.
NC (vo, as Rosy's father): Come and catch it inside! It's a stronger visual for younger viewers.
(Jenna watches the doctor examining Rosy. Balto joins her.)
Jenna (Bridget Fonda): Hi.
Jenna: Rosy's in there.
Balto: In a hospital? Why?
NC (vo): Balto, of course, has the hots for Jenna, but she's too distracted by what'll happen to Rosy.
Balto: I know how to find out. Come on.
(Balto and Jenna come to the entrance to the hospital basement. Balto pulls the nails out of door hinges with his claw.)
NC (vo, sarcastically): Based on a true story!
NC: If your dog can't do that, he's stupid.
(Balto and Jenna listen to the doctor's words through the ventilation grille.)
Doctor (Donald Sinden): Looks like diphtheria. And I'm out of antitoxin.
(Jenna walks away, crying.)
Balto: Jenna! Jenna, I'm sorry.
NC (vo, as Balto): You know I'm voiced by Kevin Bacon, right? And I like eating bacon. That's, like...two degrees of me. (normal) Thus, a dogsled race will be done to determine which dogs will go out to take the medicine. (beat) Which you'd think they figure out from the races they just had!
NC: Time's a factor here, guys.
(Balto wins the race.)
NC (vo): Of course, though, Balto enters himself in.
Steele: Do you honestly think any musher would ever put you on his team? You're even more mixed up than I thought.
NC: Ha! Joke's on you! Years from now, they're gonna name a Shaquille O'Neal movie after you!
Jenna: As long as the medicine gets through, stop being such a glory hound.
Steele: You're 100% right, Jenna, I...I...I wasn't thinking about those children.
NC (vo, chuckles): Good Lord! It's like his face has ten different personalities, and they all eat children!
Steele: (to Balto) I'm gonna fold you five ways...and leave you for a cat toy.
NC: (as Steele) Then you'll be a part of awkward punchlines like this!
(A clip of wind-up cat toy wheeling by Balto is shown again.)
NC: (as Steele) Shaaaame!
(A route from Nome to Nenana is pictured on a map with a moving red line.)
NC (vo): So while Indiana Jones starts his winter vacation, the dogs' sled, led by Steele, travels through the snow to get the medicine.
(Antitoxin is unloaded from a train, and the dogs run back to Nome.)
NC (vo, as the conductor): This is the Polar Not-Going-Anywhere! Please hand over your one-way ticket to Diphtheria!
Star (Robbie Rist): Maybe we should go back. We're lost.
Steele: I am NOT LOST!
NC: Yeah, you know dogs really are the worst with directions. It's like when I let my dog drive.
(We cut to NC outside in the front seat of his car, and the CGI Husky in the driver's seat.)
NC: All right, just back out, nice and smooth.
(After a moment, the car explodes. Cut back to Little Girl.)
Little Girl: Wait a minute! He let a dog drive?
Aunt Despair: I guess.
Little Girl: This true story of yours doesn't seem to make very much sense. Why would anybody let a dog drive? Shouldn't it be the human who's doing the driving?
Aunt Despair: Look, I'm telling the story to a kid. Of course I'm gonna take some creative liberties. Because I think you're dumb.
Little Girl: (gasps) How much of your story is actually true?
Aunt Despair: (interrupts) The Critic continues his review...
Little Girl: Oh, my God...
Aunt Despair: ...talking about when one of the dogs gets some bad news...
(Cross-fade to telegrapher's dog barking something that another dog understands.)
Dog: It's terrible, my friends. Just terrible.
NC: (as a dog) I speak Bark. Which I...thought we were all speaking, but apparently not.
NC (vo): It looks like the sled is missing in the storms. Well, okay. I'm sure a slight delay won't be a major issue... (We are shown the three - yes, three - freshly made coffins in the barn) Oh, GOD!! Shit's gettin' real, man!
NC: I'm just assuming the other coffins are for...
(As NC names the characters below, their images appear in the coffins.)
NC (vo): Tiny Tim, Little Matchgirl and Fullmetal Alchemist spoiler (Chimera Nina Tucker)!
NC: Don't act like that can't happen! There's dogs in this world.
NC (vo): Sugar-fried Jesus, what do you follow a scene like that up with?
(Cut to Boris trying to stand on the ice.)
Boris: When you are big frozen-stiff statue named Balto...
NC (vo): Ah, yes. The comedy stylings of characters you'd much rather eat than listen to. This seems totally appropriate now!
Boris: (hitting on his head) I'm beginning to understand the bear!
NC: (hand on cheek) Oh, what a shame this isn't a musical. Could you see Phil Collins obnoxiously explaining in song what doesn't need to be explained?
(Footage of Balto watching the sick Rosy and then leaving is shown again.)
NC (vo, as Phil Collins, sings to the tune of "You'll Be in My Heart"): Them coffins there / Means some kids gonna die / Phil Collins says / This is where you cry / Some vague emotions about / Love, inspiration, stuff, and... / Where's my paycheck? I gotta fly!
(Jenna is crying at the window, but stops, gasps and sniffs the window sill.)
NC: (as Jenna) I smell boyfriend material!
NC (vo): Jenna figures out Balto's going to find the sled and deliver the medicine. He marks his trail by scratching the trees because of...dog-and-wolf sense of smell, which has get them lost, as we see Steele's gang is in big trouble.
(The dogsled falls from a hill, and Rosy's father, who's controlling them, is knocked out in the process.)
NC (vo, as Steele): I call it, let's eat him! Come on, you act like you never ate human flesh before! (normal) But our heroes come across the biggest threat in animated movies: a bear.
(And this bear has very, VERY black fur and has no pupils. Balto bites his paw.)
NC: No! Don't you know they ruin animated films now?!
NC: Their destruction knows no rewrites!
NC (vo): Speaking of which, even as black bears go, that is a pretty damn black bear! Did he bathe in ink after swimming through oil from a lake in Sin City?
NC: He's so black his blood is coffee!
NC (vo): But Jenna saves the day as they leave the bear into the ice.
(The bear falls through the ice, along with Balto.)
NC (vo): That's right. Return to your home planet, whatever species you were supposed to be!
(Muk and Luk jump into the lake to save a drowning Balto.)
NC (vo): There you go. Go save him, polar bears, rather than fight the...other bear that you should technically be bigger than...
NC: Is this like when (pictures of...) Pluto's on a leash, but Goofy can walk around; we just don't question that?
NC (vo): But Jenna damages her leg, so the comic air quote "relief" take her back while Balto moves forward, eventually meeting up with the sled.
(Balto confronts Steele.)
Steele: I'll get us back. I'm the lead dog. I'm in charge.
Nikki (Jack Angel): Two bones says Steele takes him.
Katlag (Danny Mann): Ha! You're on.
NC (vo): Gambling dogs. This must be Michael Vick's favorite scene.
NC: Whew! Have to blow the dust of that one. (He blows the dust from a box with "Michael Vick Joke" on it.)
NC (vo): But Steele wants the glory, so he fights Balto despite him not fighting back. Thank God kids' film's favorite pacifism, because Steele falls off a cliff mid-ass-beating.
(As Steele hits the ground several times while falling, NC says...)
NC (vo): Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. (And yet, Steele survives!)
NC: Oh, I mean, totally alive.
NC (vo): But even with Balto leading the way, Steele still manages to stop the medicine from getting to dying kids.
Steele: (panting, with Jenna's red bandana in his teeth) Go ahead, wolf-dog! You'll never get home! (He starts scratching the trees to mislead Balto and the sled) How about over here?! Oops, wrong way! (laughs)
NC: Holy shit, what is wrong with this character?!
NC (vo): This is a village of kids that are going to die! Bad dog! Bad dog!
Steele: I'll show 'em.
NC: (as Steele) I'm also gonna create three new cancers as soon as I get home!
NC (vo): So Balto as well loses his way, but is determined to move forward. (beat) Right off the cliff.
(Balto's sled slides down, but stops just at the edge.)
NC: Well, it's all okay no– (The crate with medicine inside tilts.) Oh. Spoke too soon.
(Balto catches the crate by the ropes.)
NC: Well, it's all okay no– (The snowpack Balto is standing on collapses.) Oh, good lord!
NC (vo): Gravity was nicer to its main character! Both the movie and the concept! (Poster for the movie Gravity and the scheme of Newton's law of universal gravitation are shown.) Meanwhile, back at the village, the others try to figure out why Balto went looking for them (the sled).
Jenna: He's tracking them.
Dog 2: Tracking a championship team, in a blizzard?
NC: (laughs mockingly) Kids are dying, still. You gotta laugh, don't you? (He resumes laughing. The clip of three coffins is shown again, and he points and waves at it, still laughing.)
NC (vo): But Steele makes it back. He tells them a false story about how Balto tries to sabotage the mission, ending up with the other dogs getting killed.
Steele: I– I went on, dragging the medicine alone, all alone...Balto, he...he demanded I let him take the medicine. But he couldn't handle it. (takes out Jenna's bandana) He...made me promise to take...care of you, Jenna. (Jenna cries)
NC: Wow! This guy is such an obvious yet evil liar, he should probably get a job at the White House.
(Cut to an animated skit with news broadcasting a live speech of "Steele Spicer", voiced by Doug, at the White House stand.)
Steele: The other dogs died and I was the only one left. Period. Also the race I was a part of had the largest audience to ever witness a dogsled race. Period.
Reporter (voiced by Doug): But, sir, we have eyes–
Steele: Your eyes are wrong! It's an alternative bark!
Reporter: But, Melissa–
Steele: Stop calling me that!!
(Back to the movie.)
NC (vo): But Jenna doesn't believe him and notes that Balto is still out there, trying to get the medicine for poor Rosy.
(We are shown Rosy sleeping in her bed.)
Aunt Despair: (suddenly appears around the corner) Hey, do you have any nicotine patches?
NC: No. What the hell are you doing here?
Aunt Despair: I've been coughing up a lung on your couch. I figured if I was lightheaded, I wouldn't mind so much.
NC: Why are you sleeping on my couch?
Aunt Despair: It's a nice couch.
NC: Get out of here!!
Aunt Despair: Okay.
(Aunt Despair leaves. Cut to Little Girl.)
Little Girl: Dude! That's your only contribution to the story: just laying in bed and coughing?!
Aunt Despair: Maybe.
Little Girl: How did you know that any of this was going on, then? You weren't there, you didn't see it, and the majority of it sounds it was possibly made up!
Aunt Despair: Well, kid, what am I supposed to say here? "And then I looked at the ceiling longer?" "And then I coughed 87 more times?" I've got to embellish.
Little Girl: Is any of this story true?
Aunt Despair: Come on. Is it so hard to believe that I was lost, passed out when annoying people?
Little Girl: I guess that's a good point.
Aunt Despair: Speaking of which, go get me some gin from the fridge. Let's see how many shots it takes to forget your name.
(Little Girl leaves and Aunt Despair watches, smiling, all with the piano music as the background. We go to the commercial with the shortened opening playing before it. Upon returning, we are shown Balto lost in a blizzard.)
NC (vo): So Balto is separated from his team and still has the medicine, but comes across...
(A large, white wolf appears in front of Balto.)
NC: ...Kimba the White Wolf?
(The wolf howls at the sky and starts leaving.)
NC (vo, as the wolf): Well, that's all I got. A one "aroo", man, to us, that's like brain surgery.
(Balto stands up and howls. The wolf joins him.)
NC (vo): So, apparently, that gives him superpowers to drag the medicine up a cliff.
NC: (looks around) How do you think Grandma explained that?
NC (vo, as Rosy): And then, the god of the wolves came or something... (as the granddaughter) Wait, what? (Rosy) And they then they howled at the sky, making Balto physically stronger, I gues... (granddaughter) I'm not following any of this. (Rosy) And even though that wolf could've helped pull the sled or give directions; he just kind of disappeared and was never seen again. (granddaughter) Grandma, are you off your meds? (Rosy) They make me catch the gay!
(Balto and the team continue on, with Balto using his nose to see through the Steele's false tree marks.)
NC (vo): So the team is back on track, as Balto uses his nose to find the way. Why didn't he just use that before? I-Is that a weird prejudice, too; dogs don't sniff to find stuff?
NC: How dare you use your nose! Don't you know what disgusting animal you're sounding like?! (pause) Toucan Sam. (Toucan Sam pops up in the corner.)
NC (vo): But because this film loves to punish all signs of hope, it tries to toss them off a bridge. (Balto and the team crosses an ice bridge, which cracks and collapses underneath them, causing them all to slide down the steep cliff. Balto grabs hold of a nearby branch sticking out of the snow, stopping their falling and helping the team to climb the cliff.) Followed by an avalanche. OH, COME ON!!
(Balto and the team race to outrun the avalanche which is right on them.)
NC: The moral of the story is nature sucks, kids! Don't play in the snow! It'll someday fight back!
(Balto and the team continue to run, spotting a nearby cave.)
NC: Hey, you know what's missing in this scene? A Phil Collins song.
NC (vo, as Phil Collins, singing): I'm scared of snow / You should be afraid, too / I’ll tell you how to feel ALL the way through.
NC (vo): They get trapped inside a cave where the movie reminds us that Spielberg produced this film.
(Star's head is shaped like E.T.'s when he pops his head in the block of ice.)
Star: (imitating E.T.) Oooh!
NC: (as Star imitating E.T.) I’ll be right in my legal authority to satirize this property.
NC (vo): But if that two seconds of levity was overbearing, don't worry, because giant killer icicles are after them now!
(Balto and the team narrowly dodge the falling stalactites. Clip from Saving Private Ryan is shown.)
Medic Wade: JUST GIVE US A FUCKING CHANCE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!
(One of the icicles breaks the crate of medicine.)
NC (vo): Oh, look, the medicine crate has a crack in it, too!
(Balto sees one of the medicine vials fall out and smash. Clip from A Fish Called Wanda is followed.)
Otto: FUCK YOOUUU!!
(Balto jumps off the icicle, sliding back towards the crate, and pushing the crack closed with his feet.)
NC: They should call this movie...
(Balto movie poster pops up, with the title replaced by...)
NC (vo): SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! JUH-JUH-JUH- SHIT!
(Balto and the team race for the exit of the cave, just as the last barrage of icicles starts to fall. Meanwhile, Jenna places the colored glass bottles on town's outskirts and shines a lantern on them, creating an aurora.)
NC (vo): They do eventually make it out, though, as Jenna reflects some bottles that...apparently light up the entire town... (Balto spots this) which Balto would've plainly seen anyway, so it is kinda pointless.
Boris: Balto's back!
(Balto jumps while running and howls happily.)
NC: Ohhh...and a meteor hits him. (This doesn't happen in the movie; but, yeah, a meteor appears out of nowhere and crushes the sled.) I'm so sorry, kids. Life just didn't like this dog. Nature is kind of like God's hitman.
NC (vo): But news reaches Steele about Balto's return, which pisses off the rest.
Steele: (as everyone leaves him) Okay, okay. I can explain. You guys weren't there, so you don't...wait a minute, guys...wait just a second...
NC: (as Steele) Oh, come on! I was trying to do a reverse Cruella De Vil. You know, an evil dog who wants to kill a bunch of little kids? I will be on someone's best villains list!
(Balto arrives at the hospital.)
NC (vo): The medicine is received, Balto gives a hat made from his brethren, and Jenna gives him the equivalent of dog Frenching. (Balto and Jenna's noses make contact.) Well, this is such a joyous occasion, let's give Balto absolutely no lines whatsoever! Yeah, I'm not even kidding. He doesn't speak in the last 25 minutes of this movie. They cut his dialogue, aside from an occasional word like "Oof!" or "Ah!". The other dogs get a lot of lines, but, for whatever reason, Balto was almost completely silent. Then again, that might be for the best. With everything they threw at him, his dialogue probably wouldn't be very kid-friendly.
(A scene of ice bridge collapsing is shown again.)
NC (vo, dubbing Balto): Ah, shit. (A clip of an avalanche is then shown.) Goddammit! (Then we go to the falling stalactites scene.) Seriously, did I run over a leprechaun? What is all with the bullshit bad luck?!
(We go to the live-action portion of the movie again, with Rosy's granddaughter discovering the Balto monument.)
Granddaughter: This is it, Grandma! Blaze found it.
NC (vo): So Rosy's story seems to be over, as they find the monument dedicated to the dogs that made that journey.
Rosy: (reading) "In the winter of 1925..."
Granddaughter: Balto really did do all of that, didn't he, Grandma?
Rosy: Oh, yes, sweetheart, he really did.
(NC just stares at the camera, with his hand on cheek. He takes out a phone.)
NC: I shouldn't. I really shouldn't. (beat) Come on, let the kids have their ("air quotes") true story.
(A red caption "DO IT!" appears below with a buzzer sound. NC starts typing.)
NC: "Balto facts." (looks at the camera) You're not gonna like it. ("DO IT!" appears again) You're really not gonna like it.
(It appears yet again. NC clears his throat and starts reading, as the archival photos of Balto and the other dogs are shown.)
NC (vo): Balto did not run the longest, nor most hazardous, part of the journey. The most dangerous and longest run was led by a dog named Togo, driven by a musher named Seppälä. In fact, there were 20 mushers of varying dogs used to make the journey. Balto just happened to be the last one, so he got the majority of the credit. While Seppälä and Togo did the hardest work, it was Balto that got all the fame, even from President Calvin Coolidge. In fact, there was such a hatred for Balto getting all the credit, that him and his owner...
(Cut to Little Girl, also reading from the phone.)
Little Girl: ...weren't even welcome to the award ceremony in New York for Seppälä and Togo.
(She stares at Aunt Despair, who is now holding a cup and a bottle of Smirnoff vodka.)
Little Girl: This was all BULLSHIT, WASN'T IT?!
Aunt Despair: Well, there was an incredible review done entirely by the Nostalgia Critic.
(Suddenly, somebody takes the Balto DVD. The person is...the Nostalgia Critic, who is alive, well, and hasn't even aged!)
NC: Ah, there it is.
(Little Girl gasps.)
NC: 'Bout time I film the sucker.
Little Girl: Wait a minute! Nostalgia Critic is still alive and hasn't even filmed the review yet?
NC: Well, no...random kid. I was just about to, but I had to get the script from my brother. You see, I was sick, so he wrote the majority of it this week.
Little Girl: Oh, my God. So we're not even in the future, are we?!
(NC looks at her in confusion.)
NC: ...You're a special kid, aren't you?
Little Girl: But what about the text that says we are?
Aunt Despair: Oh, that's just my satanic arts.
(She makes some hand gestures with the choir playing in the background, and the caption "DUMB KID" appears below Little Girl. She notices it and gets really angry.)
Little Girl: YOU LIED! You lied about practically everything!
Aunt Despair: Okay, look. Maybe everything didn't happen like I said. Maybe credit was given to the wrong person. And maybe, like, 98% of what you heard was false. But...did you have fun?
Little Girl: (calming down, beginning to see Aunt Despair's point) I guess.
Aunt Despair: Was it corny, but beautiful at times?
Little Girl: I suppose.
Aunt Despair: And did you know anything at all about these dogs saving kids before I told you?
Little Girl: Not really.
Aunt Despair: Well, then, for pulling most of this out of my ass, I'd say we had a pretty entertaining time.
Little Girl: I never thought of it like that. Hey, Critic, what did you think of Balto, by the way?
NC: ...Basically that.
Little Girl: Oh, wow! Maybe there's more truth to fiction than I thought.
NC: Actually, there isn't. That was just a huge coincidence. (to Aunt Despair) Speaking of which, why did you bring her here to begin with?
Aunt Despair: Oh, I just wanted to leave her here so I didn't have to tell her that both parents died from double erotic asphyxiation.
(Little Girl drops her jaw in shock and horror upon hearing that!)
Aunt Despair: (throws away the cigarette from her mouth) Well, that backfired. She's all yours, Critic!
(She leaves the studio. Creepy Dad (Doug) is already waiting for her in his car, holding a pipe as always.)
Creepy Dad: What kept you?
Aunt Despair: A child's mind is very delicate. (gets in) Floor it!
(They drive away. Little Girl is on the verge of tears. NC approaches her and puts his hand on her shoulder.)
NC: Don't worry. I know a certain long-faced, balding, big-toothed comedian who would love to take care of you.
Little Girl: Oh...
(Little Girl smiles. Cut to...NC throwing her outside, where Chester A. Bum is standing with a cup.)
NC: (offscreen) She's all yours, Chester.
Chester: OH, MY GOD! I'm a mother!
(He hugs Little Girl lovingly, but the latter is confused and starts crying. We come to the end credits. After them, a clip of wind-up cat toy wheeling by Balto is shown once more.)
Channel Awesome Tagline - Steele: Well, maybe your taste runs more toward wolf.