Back to the Future: The Ride (Part II)
Original Air Date
April 10, 2015
Back to the Future: The Ride (Part I)
Back to the Future: The Ride (Part III)
(We open with a black screen)
Announcer: Previosuly, in the TV edit...
(Cut to the end of the 1st "Back to the Future")
Marty McFly: (To Doctor Emmett L. Brown) What are talking about? What happens to us in the future? Do we (He and his girlfriend, Jennifer Parker) become jerks or something?
Announcer: And now, back to "Some Asshole With An Asshole!"
Jerk (v/o): Eventually, we make our way into the institute lobby, where they're experiencing an unprecedented security breach.
Doctor Emmett L. Brown: (While looking at security monitors for the Institute of Future Technologies, he talks into a microphone to one of the Institute workers.) Zone 4, do you copy? (We see that the worker has been tied up. Doc Brown goes to his black board.) There's only one trouble maker that could throw a monkey wrench in the works like this!
Jerk: (Looks shocked) Oh my god! Do the Libyans want revenge for the stolen plutonium? Is Al Queda trying to impose Sharia Law retroactively? Is the Palestine Liberation Front trying to undo Israel? Is is ISIS? The KKK? The Neo-Nazis? Are the Disneyland Rovers trying to return the park to how it was when their parents were still together? (Scared) WHAT INSANE MAD MAN IS TRYING TO RE-WRITE HISTORY?!?!
Doc Brown: (Pulls down a big picture from the blackboard of...) BIFF TANNEN!
Jerk: (No longer scared, now annoyed) The guy who got his ass kicked by Crispin Glover (George McFly)?
Doc Brown: Juvenile delinquent...
Jerk: Who got his ass kicked by Crispin Glover.
Doc Brown: Biff can be quite persuasive!
Jerk: But, he couldn't persuade Crispin Glover to not kick his...(Gets angry) I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE! IF CRISPIN GLOVER KICK YOUR ASS, YOUR ASS DESERVES TO BE KICKED!
(Cut to Kyle Kallgaren/Oancitizen)
Kyle Kallgaren: Oh shut up!
- Kyle tried to review Crispin Glover's film "What Is It," but Crispin had him take it down.
Jerk (v/o): Yes, Biff Tannen, the lunkhead antagonist who somehow who somehow became a threatening villain, almost as though they had no other ideas.
Doc Brown: Graduated Hill Valley High School, class of 1955!
Jerk: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. If Biff graduated class of 1955, May or June on '55, what was he still doing there in November '1955?
Jerk (v/o): Did this loser really have nothing better to do with his life but hang out at his old high school and make his future ass-kicker do non existent home work?
Biff Tannen: (To George McFly) Do you know what would happen if I handed my homework in your hand writing? I'll get kicked out of school! You wouldn't want that to happen, would ya?
(Cut to a clip from "Frozen")
Kristoff: Somebody's got to tell him.
(Cut to a clip from BTTF Part II, Marty spies on Biff leaving his house))
Gertrude Tannen (Biff's Grandmother)/Jerk (v/o): (Yells from inside the house) BIFF, WHEN ARE YOU GONNA GET A JOB?!?!
Biff/Jerk (v/o): (Yells) I TOLD YA, GRANDMA, I'LL MAKE MY LIVING STEALING LUNCH MONEY AND GIVING ALMANACS TO MYSELF, IT WORKS FOR DONALD TRUMP!!!
Jerk (v/o): Meanwhile, back at Skynet (The Institute of Future Technologies).
(17 year old Biff is wandering the halls of the institute, spots the security camera we're seeing him through.)
Biff: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, BUTTHEAD? Oh wait a second, you're the suckers Doc Brown conned into his time travel experiment!
Jerk (v/o): How can Biff even see us? The camera just shows his own reflection. Is Biff just taunting himself?
(Cut to Jerk by the "Doc Brown Tree")
Jerk: Wow, this whole "Biff is a delusional lunatic" theory is gaining more credence by the minute. (To the tree) What do you think, Doc? (The tree says nothing) I know, right. Poor bastard's probably walking around an abandoned hospital he thinks is the Institute. Imagine, talking to cameras all day under the delusion that anyone's watching. What a jerk.
Doc Brown: And that’s why I developed this, (Pulls out a chalkboard with the design for the 8 passenger DeLorean) my ultimate scientific achievement…
Doc Brown/Jerk (v/o): I call it: a chalkboard.
(Cut static then back to Biff at the security camera with a can of spray paint.)
Biff: Excuse me, I’ve got to finish my repair work. (He laughs as he sprays the camera lens, so you can’t see him.)
Jerk: Oh, I can’t wait for this to open at Universal Singapore!
(We cut to a guy tied down, being hit on the ass with a bamboo stick.)
Doc Brown: I assure you, this is hardly business as usual here at the Institute. Our security system is virtually impenetrable. (We cut to Biff at a junction box, unplugging a big cable, which cause the lights to go our. Doc gasps, then turns on a flashlight.) Darn. Darn, darn!
Jerk: (Shocked) You watch your mouth, mister. Think of the poor children.
(Cut to a montage of minor swear words from films)
Bad Cop: Darn, darn, darny, darn!
Jerk: (shocked, covers his ears) Ah! My delicate ears!
Alex: Darn you!
Helen Parr: Darn you
Batman: Dang it!
Gwen DeMarco: Well screw that!
Wonder Woman: Dang it!
Alex: Darn you all to heck!
(Back to the Future)
Marty: …Jerks or something?
Walter Sobchak: ...find a stranger in the alps!
(Snakes on a Plane)
Agent Neville Flynn: ...monkey fighting snakes on this Monday-Friday plane!
Ralphie Parker: Fudge!
Jerk: (Making his way to the ground) I’m melting!
(Back to the Future)
Doc Brown: When this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you’re gonna see some serious “Shucks!”
(Jerk Screams and then explodes, cut to George Carlin’s “Seven Words you can’t say on television.”)
George Carlin: Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits!
Jerk: (gets back up) Ah, that’s better!
Jerk (v/o) Anyway, then we make our way from the pre-show area into…another pre-show area. It’s like watching “Lord of the Rings” backwards, for this buildup, we better at least get to kill Mussolini.
(Lights are back on and Biff smashes something with his wrench, causing Doc Brown’s office to get caged in and him trapped inside.)
Doc Brown/Jerk (v/o) I don’t know why I even installed these bars and I really don’t know why I specifically told the guy to make sure only my office is locked! And especially make sure that the bars are activated by hitting a thing with a wrench, rather shortsighted of me. (We see the boom mike is in shot) But in retrospect, I’m starting to wonder if it was really worth paying extra to install a lowering boom mike, especially when the audio is just gonna be re-dubbed by Some Jerk With A Camera, anyway!
(Cut to static and the Nostalgia Critic appears)
Nostalgia Critic: I noticed you’re not making very good use of your Doc Brown cameo.
(Cut to Jerk by the “Doc Brown Tree”)
Jerk: Yes I am, the tree was saying all that stuff, right tree? (Tree just does the Michigan Frog croak.) Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got 8 killer minutes to force about that test dummy safety video. (NC groans and starts rubbing his forehead.) What? What? Alright, maybe you’re right, maybe I am too easily distracted.
Jerk (v/o): I mean Jesus, I’m almost five minutes into my 2nd video on damn ride and I’m not even half done talking about it.
Jerk: If only I had more time. (Realizes) Wait a minute, I’ve got all the time I want, I’ve got a time machine ride!
(Cut to Jerk dialing the date in the keypad of the DeLorean, really stock footage from the films.)
Jerk (v/o): Ok, 2 and a half minutes ought to do it.
(the screen turns white and we hear the DeLorean disappear. We cut to Jerk from 2 and a half minutes ago.)
Jerk 2: Wow, this whole “Biff is a delusional lunatic” theory is gaining more credence by the…
Jerk: (goes on screen next to Jerk 2, Jerk looks obviously green screened in, and Jerk 2 notices) So, with Uncle Fester (Doc Brown) trapped in office jail, the gym teacher from “Freaks and Geeks” (Biff) proceeds to…
Jerk 2: (Yells) WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU… (realizes) You’re me from future, aren’t you?
Jerk: No, Channel Awesome has made you the biggest thing on the Internet and I’m cosplaying as you.
Jerk 2: Yeah, yeah, why are you even here? Are you trying to save Buckbeak or something?
Jerk: No, I’m just under a deadline now thanks to your stupid ambition and I’m trying to be expedient.
Jerk 2: Can’t you be expedient somewhere else?
Jerk: Nope, might cause a paradox!
Jerk 2: Paradoxes don’t…
Jerk: (Raises his finger to silence him) Paradox!
Jerk 2: Then, why are you…
Jerk: (Yells) A TIME PARADOX OF CATACLYSMIC DESTRUCTION MIGHT DESTROY THE ENTIRE UNIVERSAL IF WE DON’T WE DON’T SHARE THE SCREEN!
Jerk 2: the ‘green’ screen.
Jerk: IT’S NOT GREEN SCREEN, IT’S A SIDE EFFECT OF TIME TRAVEL!
Biff: I’ve got to finish my repair work. (He laughs as he covers the camera lens with spray paint.)
Jerk 2: Oh, I can’t wait for this to open at Universal Singa-
Jerk: (Slaps Jerk 2) We already did that part, try to keep up, butthead!
(Cut to Doc Brown trapped in his office, while Biff steals the DeLorean)
Doc Brown: TANNEN, YOU SHOULDN’T BE HERE IN THE PRESENT! WE’VE GOT TO GET YOU BACK TO 1955 OR WE COULD CREATE A MAJOR PARADOX!
Jerk 2: Wait, wait, wait, Doc is still worried about paradoxes?
Jerk: Shouldn’t he be?
Jerk 2: Try to keep up, Beavis. Ask any theoretical physicist, paradoxes can’t exist because time is a river.
(We cut to an interview with theoretical physicist, Dr. Michio Kaku.)
Dr. Michio kaku: Time is a river…
Jerk 2 (v/o): Thank you. When you go back in time, you automatically create a fork in that river.
(Cut to a clip from “Star Trek (2009)”)
Nyota Uhura: An alternate reality!
Mr. Spock: Precisely.
Jerk 2 (v/o): And you don’t have to give a book to yourself to do it, just stand around breathing for a second and soon the butterfly wings will affect shit differently. Maybe the mall will get it’s name changed (From Twin Pines Mall to Lone Pine Mall), (Cut to a clip from “Jurassic Park”) maybe the water drop from Laura Dern’s hand will go the other way, maybe Hurricane Katrina will move to the Hamptons, who knows.
(Cut to the 2 Jerks in front of footage of the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, 1 of the is wearing sunglasses.)
Jerk (W/ Sunglasses): Doc Brown doesn’t care about rich people.
Jerk 2: (Feels awkward) The point is…
(Cut to footage of from the 1st “Back to the Future” to George Harrison’s “Dream Away” from “Time Bandits.”)
Jerk 2 (v/o): Marty wouldn’t have really disappeared and his picture wouldn’t have changed, cause no matter who his mom has the hots for, Marty and the picture still came from a timeline where he was born and nothing can change that. Paradoxes aren’t possible because the universe will always be strong enough to correct itself. The river is always changing, always flowing.
Jerk 2: I mean, let's say one of us went back in time and kill our parents before they conceive us, we wouldn't disa- (He disappears)
Jerk: Finally! Right, so, Biff steals the DeLorean...(he disappears to. Spazz Master pokes his head in shot.)
Spazz Master: Are they gone? Cool! (Gets in frame.) Welcome to the Spazz Master Show on Channel awesome! (Puts a Figment the Dragon plush doll by his head.) What should we do today, Figment? (Pauses for an answer) What’s that, kill everyone?!?!
Jerk: (Comes back and pushes Spazz off frame.) Stupid editing mistakes. But me, Marty did almost disappear and pictures in these movies do change.
Jerk 2: (Comes back) Well, maybe these movies take place in an alternate multiverse. But, if “Back to the Future” world does have paradoxes, then answer me this…
(Cut to footage from “Back to the Future: Part III”)
Jerk 2 (v/o): Why did Doc build the stupid time train? Doc wanted the DeLorean destroyed because it was too dangerous powerful, now he’s devoting an Institute (The Institute of Future Technologies) to if and traveling through history willy-nilly? Is he trying to destroy the universe?
(Cut to the universe exploding then to Marty at the end of BTTF Part III)
Marty: (Sad) It’s destroyed, just like you wanted.
Jerk 2: Maybe Biff is actually the good guy trying to save us all from that sociopath.
Jerk: (Stroking his chin) Unless, maybe that’s not the same Doc! (Jerk 2 looks confused) Follow me on this one.
Jerk (v/o): Remember when ‘50s Doc read the letter from his older self.
‘55 Doc Brown: “…destroy the time machine.” (To Marty) ‘Destroy it?’
Jerk (v/o): 50s Doc didn’t want to happen. So, while old Doc remained happy with his beloved, Clara in the 1880s, ‘50s Doc got overzealous, invented the time machine early, went back to 1985, took old Doc’s place, and ‘50s Doc invented the time train, the Institute, and the animated series, while old Doc remains trapped in the Old west, reduced to doing Seth MacFarlane cameos (In “A Million Ways To Die In The West”) for sarsaparilla money.
Jerk: Maybe the real paradox…
(Both Jerk’s put on the “Star Tours” 3D glasses)
Jerk 2: Is the pair of Doc.
Jerk: Wait, what? (Cut to the intro to “C.S.I.: Miami” to The Who’s “Won’t get fooled again.” Midway through, Jerk comes on screen and uses a remote to pause the “C.S.I. Miami” into.) Get my ass over here! (Jerk 2 does so.) So, we went to all that trouble and all that build up for that (Points to the paused “C.S.I. Miami” intro)?
Jerk 2: Well…I mean, we got wear weird sunglasses.
Jerk: (Heads off screen) I’m gonna go back and tell mom to abort us.
Jerk 2: Come on, don’t be that! (Realizes) Wait a minute, how am I standing in mid air, a hundred feet above Miami?
(Jerk 2 then falls to the ground.)
Announcer/Jerk (v/o): And now, it’s time for the “Some Jerk With A Camera: Trivia Challenge!” (The screen changes to look like a trivia game) brought to you by Pepsi Free: “It won’t cause any confusion!” Today’s question is: “When will the two Jerks just fucking make out already?” We’ll have the answer if we feel like it.
(Cut to black as we finally hear Jerk 2 hit the ground.)
Jerk 2 (v/o): ow!
(Cut to the commercial break. We then cut to a commercial from the 80s. A family is going camping)
Mom: (To the us) Getting this family to try a caffeine-free Cola wasn’t easy, they thought they’d have to give up taste. But, they didn’t with new Pepsi Free! Leave it Pepsi to make caffeine free Pepsi to make caffeine-free Cola taste this terrific! (She chuckles) Pepsi Free, there’s regular and sugar free with 1 calorie! (To her husband) How about that?
Singers (v/o): (As the family drinks Pepsi Free)
The taste is positively Pepsi and it’s caffeine free!
Positively Pepsi Free!
(Cut to black)
Announcer/Jerk: It’s time for Bifftrax! (Singing)
(Cut back to the Pre-show)
Both Jerks: So anyway, with Doc Brown incapacitated, the wackiest rapist in Amblin Land commits Grand Theft Tardis!
Doc Brown: My travel volunteers, (points at us) you and you and you, you’re my only hope!
(Cut to a clip from “Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope”)
Obi-Wan Kenobi/Jerk (v/o): Oh, for fuck’s sake, am I anyone only hope, anymore?
(Cut to a clip from “Spaceballs”)
All the crewmembers: Yoho!
Obi-wan/Jerk (v/o): I new it, I’m surrounded by ass-hopes.
Doc Brown: In order to successfully bring Biff back to our time period, it is necessary to accelerate up to 88 miles per hour bump him, that right, bump him.
Both Jerks: We can’t, in the future theme park cars are too slow to bump! (We see footage of the “Bug’s Life” Bumper cars.)
Jerk (v/o): Quit hogging the mike!
Jerk 2 (v/o): It’s mine too! (We hear them have a sissy slap fight) Ow! Quit it!
Jerk (v/o): No you quit it!
(We then cut to the actual ride video, we’re in the POV of inside the 8 Passenger DeLorean, we see the Time-circuit readout, the Flux-Capacitor, and a monitor that Doc Brown is on. The 8 passenger DeLorean is still in the IFT’s garage.)
Doc Brown: I still haven’t worked out all the bugs out of this thing. But, no matter, we’re on a mission of universal proportions.
Jerk: (Holding a shot glass) Park drop, take a shot! (Drinks the alcohol in his shot galls.)
Jerk 2: Ok. (Pulls out a toy “Star Wars Blaster” and shoots Jerk away.) And loop closed that was easy.
Heather (ITF receptionist): (To Doc Brown) Biff has passed through the space-time continuum, but we’ve got no way of knowing where he is.
Doc Brown: You mean, when he is!
Jerk 2: (Doing a Jewish mom voice) Ok, ok, Mr. “Conjunction Nazi!”
Jerk: (Come back, banging on his chest, which makes a metal sound) Bulletproof vest! (Jerk 2 shoots Jerk in the face) OW! MY EYE! MY BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL EYE!
Jerk 2: (Looking at the blaster) It’s like a baby’s toy.
Doc Brown: Accelerating now to 55 miles per hour, 65, 75, 85, 88 miles per hour! (The ITF garage disappears we go through the time space continuum to…) Hill Valley in the year 2015!
(We then cut to a parody PSA film, titled “2015: Year of the Future!” which makes fun of the 2015 section of the ride.)
Announcer/Jerk (v/o): Twenty hundred and fifteen A.D., that distant, far-off, eternally futuristic year of the future, where all the wonders of the world await us impatiently. A world of auto mo-fly-mobiles, bionic implants, robot machines that commit suicide for us, trees genetically modified to grow men named Terrance, and absolutely, no Internet, not a scrap! Sorry kitty, you’ll have to get your attention from explode-o-bot! What’s this, empty city streets after dark? You bet, all citizens of the future gladly obey the imposed curfew of our government of lizard people, but se still keep all the lights on to repel the evil global warming demons! Better luck next time, Mr. Sun! In 2015, all kids look exactly like their relatives! (Examples are Marty, Marty Jr and Malene, McFly, Biff and Griff Tannen, Goldie Wilson I and III, Heather and Spike (Griff’s Henchgirl), and Roy and Luke Fuchs from “Used Cars”) No, it’s not lazy stunt casting, it’s just good, all fashioned clones, the only way to reproduce, ever since the great Clintonian sperm perge!
(Cut to Bill Clinton)
Bill Clinton/Jerk (v/o): If I can’t do it, no one can. Announcer/Jerk (v/o): And everyone’s hair is perfect, thanks to the equally great, Clintonian perm splurge! Flying DeLoreans are the only car worth driving. Why, everyone and their uncle has 6 or 7. Not only is it the only is it the only car that turns into a seagull, each one comes with a personalized cocaine packet from John Z. DeLorean, his self. (We cut to a clip from “Pulp Fiction,” where Mia Wallace accidentally snorts heroin.) Now that’s refreshing! (Cut to BTTF Part 2, where the Time-circuit display reads “October 21, 2015”) Oh, it’s late October, where are all the Halloween decorations? Shut up. Disneyland celebrates it’s 60th Anniversary with the grand opening of Measleyland (Formerly Frontierland), the most scientifically optional land ever built.
(We See Doggans with measles)
Doggans: It’s the measleyest place on Earth! (Thumbs up and scratches face.)
Announcer/Jerk (v/o): And we’ll cure that disease with a bucket challenge!
(A bucket gets tossed at Doggans’ head.)
Doggans: Son of a-
Announcer/Jerk (v/o): And the music is even sicker! In 2015, all the kids are a rockin’ and a reelin’ from the functional soundings of Aggy Azeelya (Iggy Azalea), Robozine X-7 (A robot that plays the drums), and Huey Newis and the Lose (Huey Lewis and the News)! We even have interactive entertainment, thanks to the new number: Gamergate (#Gamergate), A padlocked gate where through which the undesirables may abuse themselves with brightly colored doodly-bops while we keep a close eye on them! (We see Rosenhacker playing his Nintendo DS through the bars of a gate. To Rosenhacker/Billy.) How do you like the ethicson that game, Billy?
RosenHacker/Billy (Dubbed by Jerk): I haven’t harassed a girl in 6 whole minutes, thanks “The Future!”
Announcer/Jerk (v/o): Yes, all the wonders that were and weren’t worth mentioning, await in the future continent, Dryland, (from “Waterworld”) a mere 3 years after the Mayan Prophecy kills us all!
(Cut to the end of the PSA film with the caption “The End?” Cut back to the Jerks, 1 now has an eye patch.)
Jerk w/ Eye patch: Can you believe they thought that all the City Walks of the 21st century would be nothing but tacky neon and weird, garish architecture? Pfft, idiots.
(We chase Biff to the Hill Valey Clock tower, it now says 3:44 AM and not 10:04 PM)
Doc Brown: Bastard!
Biff: Sucker! (Biff’s Delorean disappears)
Doc Brown: Biff got away! (The 8 passenger DeLorean goes through the clock tower, and travels through time.)
Eye Patch Jerk: Wait, wait, wait, play that back again.
(Se cut back to the part where Biff’s Delorean travels through time)
Eye patch Jerk: And… Pause!
(We pause on the clock tower’s face. Eye patch Jerk looks shocked.) Eye Patch Jerk: They did it. Those crazy sons of bitches finally did it!
Jerk 2: (Confused) Did what?
Eye Patch Jerk: They fixed the clock tower!
Eye Patch Jerk: Look, it’s not stuck at 10:04 anymore, it’s displaying the correct time! (The clock tower shows the same time as the present time part of the Time-circuit readout.
Jerk 2: So, it’s right more than twice a day now, so what?
Eye Patch Jerk: ‘So what?’ This takes place only 3 and a half days after Marty went to the future in part II, when the clock was still broken (Old Terry asked Marty for a donation for the Clock Tower). You’re telling me that after 60 years of no progress whatsoever, (Jerk 2 is rubbing his forehead) they fixed the damn think in 3 days?
Eye Patch Jerk (v/o): Was old Charles Fleischer really that unsuccessful? Did Marty’s generous 25 cent donation (In the 1st film) mean nothing? AND SERIOUSLY, WHY ARE THE NO HALLOWEEN DECORATION?!?!
(Cut to a Michael J. Fox News, special report. News Anchor played by Spazz Master.)
Anchor/Spazz: Next on “Michael J. Fox News,” the war on Halloween! Is there actually a war or have the monster bashers already won? (Takes off his glasses) We’ll keep you uniformed of real news! (Smiles and holds up Figment the Dragon Plush toy.) Isn’t that right, Figment? (Waits for his answer) Yes, that’s right, we’ll (A hand off screen puts a chloroform cloth to Spazz, who passes out.)
Jerk 2: (Hand over his face) This is my penance for the “paradox” pun, isn’t it?
Eye Patch Jerk: I’m gonna get to the bottom of all this!
Jerk 2: Must I?
Eye patch Jerk: Jerk, this is about the future, we are all interested in the future, for that is where me and I are going to spend the rest of my lives. (Turns to Jerk 2) I’m here to talk to you about the “Aveng-Jerk” Initiative!
(Cut to the caption “Ten minutes earlier…,” we cut to the 2 jerks from earlier.)
Jerk 4: Wait, wait, wait, Doc is still worried about para-
(Eye Patch Jerk and Jerk 2 go in front of Jerks 3 and 4, who are shocked, and argue incoherently. Cut to the caption 2 minutes later… The 4 Jerks are no conversing calmly.)
One of the Jerks who’s not wearing an eye patch: Or maybe, that’s not the same Doc! Follow me on this.
(8 more Jerks appear, 2 of them with eye patches, all arguing. Incoherently. Cut to a 12 frame split screen of the end of part 1 of the "Full House" Disney World episode, with the caption: "To be continued...")
DJ Tanner: Michelle!
Kimmy Gibbler: Michelle!
Stephanie Tanner: Michelle, where are you?
(Cut to the end credits, mid way through, we cut back to Kyle Kallgren.)
Kyle: Oh shut up, that was like one time years ago! (Sighs. Now looking scared.) I can still see his face, his terrible, boney face. (he pictures George McFly punching him, he then pictures the rats from “Willard”) I can still smell the rats, I can still smell the rats!
(We cut back to the end credits.)
(To be concluded in Part III.)