AvP Requiem


October 23, 2018
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(The Channel Awesome logo and the Nostalgia-Ween 2018 opening plays out before showing NC in his room)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. When I first reviewed Alien vs. Predator, I said...

(Several footage of NC's review of Alien vs. Predator is shown)

NC (vo):...the whole film was kind of like a battle between your jock side and your intellectual side.

NC: Well, thankfully, with the sequel, you don't have to worry about that, because everybody loses.

(The title for Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem is shown before showing its clips)

NC (vo): Whatever your thoughts on the first Alien vs. Predator, everyone agrees its sequel sucks major dick-shaped Alien head. Even with an actual R rating this time, people mostly came out of the theater still saying the same thing.

(A clip from Aliens is shown)

Ellen Ripley: I'd say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit.

NC (vo): It missed with fans, it missed with critics, so what is it about this film that pissed everyone off so much?

NC: Well, getting directors who worked on Nickelback videos sure wasn't a great start.

(A clip from Predator is shown)

Major Alan "Dutch" Schaefer: Run! Get to the chopper!

NC (vo): And it also led to a quick end, with the film costing close to $130 million to make and turning in only $40 million in ticket sales*.

  • Note: Actually, it's the other way around: the movie's budget was $40 million and its box office results worldwide were $128 million.

NC: So let's see how it became "Game over, man!" for this franchise. This is Alien vs. Predator: Requiem.

(First, we're shown the caption "Twentieth Century Fox Presents", with first three lines written in the same font as "AVP 2" and the last in the font of "Requiem". The movie opens where the last film ended. A Predator ship leaves Earth carrying Alien facehuggers and the body of Scar. A chestburster with traits of both species erupts from Scar's body. It quickly matures into an adult Predalien, makes its way onto a scout ship that is then detached from the Mothership and crashes in the forest outside of Gunnison, Colorado)

NC (vo): I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that loved mixing both the "Alien" and "Predator"-style credits. And even the intro isn't bad, when the Alien from the last film bursts out of the same Predator, causing their ship to crash-land back on Earth.

(Cut to a hunter named Buddy aiming his gun in the forest, his little son Sam following him)

NC (vo; as Buddy, mimicking Elmer Fudd): Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm hunting clever girls.

(One of the facehuggers which escaped with the Predalien implanting embryos onto Buddy's face, choking him)

Sam: Dad!

NC (vo): It looks like a couple of facehuggers attack both the hunter and the kid.

NC: Again, not a bad start. I dare even say, it's kinda badass.

(We cut to one of the movie's main characters, Ricky Howard, played by Johnny Lewis, working in a local pizza parlor)

NC (vo): But the film gets pretty standard and lame quick when it cuts to a nearby suburban town.

Drew Roberts (David Hornsby): You gotta wear the hat.

Dallas: The only reason you make us wear a hat is because the manager made you wear a hat when you were drunk.

Drew: Make the run, or you're fired. And wear the hat!

NC: (grins, shaking head) Ah, it already feels like an Alien vs. Predator movie. Pizza hats. Classic!

(Ricky delivers the pizza to her classmate crush Jesse Salinger (Kristen Hager). What he also knows is that she has a boyfriend Dale Collins (David Paetkau), and they both happen to be in Jesse's house)

NC (vo): It looks like our main character Ricky didn't want to make the delivery because a girl he likes named Jesse happens to live there and happens to have a jackass boyfriend with some jackass other friends.

Dale: Cute outfit, Rick.

Mark (Matt Ward): Yeah, isn't Halloween in October? (They chuckle)

NC: (as Dale) You people with jobs make me sick, so I'm gonna...

(The screen zooms in to Dale flexing his chest to impress Jesse)

NC (vo; as Dale): ...flex my pecs until they explode. (Beat) What the hell am I doi...?! (normal) She pays for the pizza, but it looks like Seizure Pecs isn't done yet.

(Dale, Mark and Nick tackle and kick Ricky on the road. Dale grabs Ricky's car keys and throws them into the sewer grate)

Dale: Find them in 30 minutes or less, asshole.

NC: Is it really worth going that insane for this insult?

(Cut to a scene from before)

Ricky: Yes, now I know who's ordered the Sausage Lovers.

NC: Seems kinda like the overreaction. Maybe these guys are like...

NC (vo; as Dale): You leave our friend's sexual discoveries to his own pacing! (as Ricky) What are you guys talking about? (as Dale) Come on, man. We know you're so deep in the closet, you're naming the coat hangers. (as Ricky) Hey, I'm not gay! (as Dale) Shhhh. Let's go watch some cooking shows. (as Ricky) Okay, that sounds great.

(As Ricky gets up and Dale's gang leaves, Jesse looks at Ricky from a distance, worried)

NC (vo): I love Jesse just standing there, like...

Dale: Let's go.

NC (vo; as Jesse): Well, he said "Let's go"! I'm powerless to thwart his logic.

NC: Alien vs. Predator, folks! We're sorry.

(Sheriff Eddie Morales, played by John Ortiz, arrives in the forest and starts investigating)

NC (vo): The sheriff shows up to check out the crashed ship, where it has, even by this film's standards, a pretty shitty fake-out.

(As the strings in the background start growing, Morales takes out his gun and looks...in the police car's window?)

NC: Well, yeah. What else did you think we would see there? The Alien driving a car?

(An Alien is Photoshopped to be looking out the car's window)

NC (vo; as an Alien): Do you have any Grey Poupon that is literally grey? Kindly smear it on yourself and await my instructions.

(We cut to a woman named Kelly O'Brien (Reiko Aylesworth), who has also just returned to Gunnison after serving in the military, reuniting with her husband Tim and daughter Molly)

NC (vo): We next cut to a soldier returning home from the Army, as her kid is so happy she's home after so long, she immediately asks what she got for her.

Molly (Ariel Gade): (holding her mother's high-tech binoculars) Are these for me?

Kelly: You don't like them?

Tim (Sam Trammel): Are you kidding me? These are so cool.

NC: (as Molly) Oh, and I guess I missed you after being away for so long. Can this play Arena of Valor?

(On the Predator homeworld, a skilled veteran Predator, Wolf, receives the signal and takes it upon himself to travel to Earth to hunt and kill the Aliens. He arrives at the crashed Predator ship)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, one of the Predators lands on Earth to locate the ship and very slowly figures out what happened. You'd think this'd be boring and uninteresting, but you're not. It's really boring and uninteresting.

(Wolf analyzies the traces of the Aliens' presence)

NC: (as Wolf) Okay, audience, give me a bit. I didn't see the same part of the movie you did, so I gotta figure this out.

NC (vo; as Wolf): Let's see. It's called Alien vs. Predator, so that would mean the facehuggers...are having a picnic upstairs! No, no, I would be rated R then! Unless they're using some very harsh language. Please cut away from me- (We are shown Molly's room throughout the green vision) Here we go. I'm in a house. Well, things are gonna get interesting now... (It is revealed that Molly is looking through her mother's binoculars) Oh, never mind, it wasn't me. It was just a bad fake-out. In fact, why are you still hearing me then?

(Molly's parents come in to her room to read a bedtime story)

Molly: I want Dad to read it.

Kelly: Okay. (gives a book to Tim)

NC: This kid is so weird in her affection to her mother, that her father...

NC (vo): ...has to come in and remind her what her motivation is.

Tim: You remember all those times you told me how much you missed Mommy? It's okay to tell Mommy that.

NC: (as Tim) Unless she gets angry at Daddy for playing too much Xbox, in which case you can be a little cold.

(Meanwhile, Ricky and his older brother, an ex-convict Dallas Howard (Steven Pasquale) open up the sewer hatch)

NC (vo): Ricky's brother, Dallas Howard...

(The photo of Bryce Dallas Howard is shown)

NC: I, too, will not be able to separate that.

NC (vo): ...returns home from prison and helps Ricky get his keys in the sewer.

(Dallas and Ricky turn their flashlights on and search for the keys)

NC: Yeah, you're totally gonna find it down here, guys.

NC (vo): You know when keys get, they sniff you out and find their way home? No, I'm just kidding, they're keys. What the hell are you guys doing?

(The brothers stumble across an old couch)

Ricky: Is that a couch?

Dallas: Yeah. It's nicer than ours.

(A red caption "WRONG" pops up below NC with a buzzer sound)

NC: Wrong. The correct answer is...

NC (vo): ...what the hell is a couch doing in the sewer?! Is this hobo SNICK?!

(The camera shows an Alien nest nearby)

Dallas: (offscreen) Are you sure this is the right way?

NC (vo): Oh, no! It's...

NC: (squinting) ...something. This movie is too goddamn dark!

(The Gunnison police and the hunter's wife, Darcy, are shown searching around the forest)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, a search party is looking for the hunter and his son, while the Predator hunts, too. One of the most annoying parts of the movie is, every time it cuts to his vision, it makes this obnoxious-ass sound effect.

(Cut to show some instances of going into Wolf's POV vision, with a sharp blaster-like sound being heard)

NC (vo): I don't remember it doing that all the time in the other movies. It sounds like the testicles on Simon Belmont's whip dropped, and he won't stop showing it off!

(The instances of Wolf's POV vision's sound are shown alongside the clips from the Castlevania NES game, before going to a clip from Captain N: The Game Master)

Simon Belmont: Are you sure this is necessary?

(In a nearby cafe, Dallas meets his friend, a pregnant waitress Carrie Adams (Gina Holden))

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Ricky's brother continues to look for work.

Carrie: How's the job hunt going?

Dallas: Is "breaking and entering" a special skill? Do you have any suggestions?

NC: There's an opening for Ant-Man down the street. (points to a clip from the 2015 movie Ant-Man)

Hank Pym: I want you to break into a place and steal some stuff.

(Sheriff Morales finds a body of his fellow officer Ray who was skinned alive up a tree, and he brings it to Dr. Lennon (Tim Henry) to examine)

NC (vo): The sheriff comes across one of his men that Predator killed, and if Dallas is still looking for work, he could try undertaker. I mean, if they took in Steve Bannon here, they'll take anyone.

Dr. Lennon: What are you gonna do?

Morales: I'll let you know when I figure it out. (leaves)

NC (vo; as Dr. Lennon): Well, I'll continue being a gene splice of Brian Cox and Philip Seymour Hoffman. Not that the Alien vs. Predator: Requiem audience knows who they are.

(Ricky, who managed to find the keys, gets into his car. Jesse knocks on its top to get Ricky's attention)

Jesse: Hey.

NC (vo): Jessie approaches Rick and tells him that she fired her boyfriend. No, really. That's the terminology she uses.

Jesse: And it's "ex-boyfriend", actually. He's been fired.

NC: (as Jesse) What can I say? He didn't raise profits in my Southern regions.

(In the sewer, Wolf tracks several Aliens and starts fighting them)

NC (vo): So the Predator finally finds the Alien. And seeing how this is set in suburbia, we're really gonna change things up...by having them fight in a dark, wet, enclosed area!

NC: Whoa, slow down! There's only so much ground breaking we can do in this movie! (Pause) In that, I want you to...

NC (vo): ...break the ground so you can go to the surface and actually be a better movie!

(As the battle reaches the surface, Wolf breaks the pavement, and several of the Aliens fly out and disperse into the town. Cut to a diner where Carrie works, or to be exact, the diner's kitchen)

NC (vo): That's eventually what they end up doing, and maybe, the more I think about it, I don't want to see them in the everyday world. They can kinda look goofy, like when the waitress sees her boss being attacked.

(Carrie screams at the sight of the diner's chef, Ritchie, being attacked by the Aliens, and discovers the Predalien coming out the kitchen doors)

NC: Something about the Alien coming through swinging doors is hilarious.

(The scene is replayed)

Yosemite Sam: (audio) Any one of you varmints care to slap leather with me?!

(Carrie is impregnated by the Predalien with bellybusters)

NC (vo): While she gets attacked by the Predator/Alien hybrid, we have yet another confusing fake-out.

(The camera shows something moving under a blanket...and it's Molly raising her arm to take Kelly's binoculars)

NC: (shakes head) I don't think you know how fake-outs work. You can't just put creepy music over everything and then suddenly expect that to start off scary.

NC (vo): The scene doesn't even go anywhere. It was literally just cut in there to be a, quote, "gotcha" moment, even though there was nothing to "gotcha" with. Just random creepy music!

NC: If that was the case, I could just put creepy music over what I'm saying, and it'd suddenly be scary! I mean, think about it...

(Suddenly, the strings start growing louder and louder, drowning out NC's talking. After five seconds, the sting ends)

NC: ...And when she came, too, she was a poodle! But you all know that.

(We go into a commercial. After returning, we are shown Sheriff Morales in a bar, asking Dallas for help in his investigation)

NC (vo): So the sheriff tells Dallas not only about the dead cop he found peeled like a banana, but how he also can't find the hunter and the kid. Well, maybe if you followed that loud crashing spaceship that a ton of people must have noticed, including the hunter and kid... And was NASA goddamn asleep when this thing crashed? How did nobody notice this thing?!

Dallas: Do you want some help?

Morales: I don't know, Dallas.

Dallas: Come on. (gets up to leave) I'll ride in the back.

NC: Boy, he sure is trusting to a guy who is an ex-con.

NC (vo): I dare even say, him being an ex-con has absolutely no impact on the story whatsoever, so it kinda makes everything even more puzzling!

Dallas: Come on. I'll ride in the back.

NC: (as Morales) Okay. But try and steal my keys again, and... (waves off, grinning) Nah, you know I'll do nothing.

(Meanwhile, Wolf pursues some Aliens to the power plant)

NC (vo): Our monsters go from dark and enclosed sewer to the dark and enclosed industrial site...hey, as long as there's smoking pipes they can jerk off to, they're good...as I'm beginning to think these Predators couldn't find an Alien if it was right under them.

(The Predalien attacks Wolf, appearing from the other side of the metal platform)

NC: (as Wolf) Thwarted by lazy neck's refusal to look down!

(At Gunnison, Ricky and Jesse meet at the high school's swimming pool)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Ricky goes swimming with his new date.

Jesse: You tell me...are you looking at me or the clock?

NC: Is she asking him or the audience? (taps on his wrist) 'Cause we're looking at the clock.

(Dale, Mark and Nick enter the pool)

NC (vo): But get this. The boyfriend she "fired" locates them at the pool and brings apparently the only two friends this kid has!

(Ricky starts beating Dale and his gang)

Jesse: No, Ricky, stop it! (The four fall into a pool)

NC: (as Jesse) Dammit! I knew I should have posted I was going here on Facebook! (Beat) And I also should have unfriended my ex. (slowly hits head) Dumb, dumb!

(The lights in the pool go out, and an Alien enters the water)

NC (vo): The Predator knocks off the power, though, as one of the Aliens enters the pool.

Jesse: Oh, my God, get out of the water!

Ricky: Get out, go!

NC: (as Ricky) Don't do that! He'll multiply! Oh, I mean, uh, he'll come back in Jaws: Revenge...I mean, uh, what generic series am I in again?

(Everybody runs away through an open window, but Mark and Nick don't make it)

Mark: Shit!

(Ricky tries to pull Mark out the window)

Ricky: Come on!

NC (vo; as Mark): Tell everyone I got the third base with your girlfriend!

(Mark is dragged away and impaled offscreen. Cut to O'Briens' house, where Molly says to her parents she can't sleep because she saw something in the window)

NC (vo): Back at the soldier's house, we get maybe the only funny scene when the kid says she saw a monster outside.

Molly: It was real.

Tim: (comes to the window) See? No monster. (turns a flashlight on and discovers another Alien, who breaks the glass and kills him)

NC: (snickers) That's just funny.

(The scene is repeated)

NC (vo; as an Alien): Surprise! Daughter therapy sessions for decades!

(Ricky explains the situation to the arrived police and Dallas)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, back at the pool, Ricky has to report on what happened.

Ricky: Mark, he's dead. I think they got Nick, too.

Dallas: What was it?

NC: (as Ricky) It was an Ali... (stops in confusion) a Preda... (stops again) it was Requiem.

(Dallas and Morales enter the pool)

NC (vo): "Don't worry. Me and this ex-con will set things right." Why is he with him? (Morales takes out his phone and texts a message to a fellow deputy, who is at the wheel of his car) Oh, yeah, so he can tell the officer not to text and drive while almost running somebody over!

NC: Were you from the police in Sleepwalkers?!

(Ricky, Jesse, Dale, Dallas, Drew and Morales gather at a sporting goods store to collect weapons)

NC (vo; as Morales): I suggest we not report this to any cops, refuse to call for backup, tackle these monsters with a bunch of teenagers and give weapons to an ex-con!

NC: (left hand on cheek, poker-faced) Yes, that's really what happened.

(A montage of different scene is shown)

Ricky: I don't think the police station is such a hot idea.

Dallas: We need guns.

Ricky: (at the store) Where are the guns?

Jesse: Follow me.

Morales: (to Dallas, outside) I can't believe I'm letting you do this.

Dale: This plan is stupid!

NC: That was the only sensible part.

(Troops from the Colorado Army National Guard arrive, but the Aliens quickly kill them)

NC (vo): To their credit, even the National Guard seems too dumb to take these things out.

(As one trooper observes the car, the Predalien sneaks up behind him and impales his head)

NC (vo; as the Predalien): Hi, guy!

(Molly and Kelly appear to be hiding in the store)

NC (vo): Oh, what a happy coincidence the soldier and her daughter just happened to hide out in the exact same location. That saves time when the Alien and Predator have to fight in their store!

(Wolf comes across the Predalien, and they stare at each other for some seconds. Cut to a famous clip from Caddyshack)

Judge Smails: Well? We're waiting.

NC (vo): Yeah, stop looking at each other and actually do something!

(Wolf and the Predalien charge...and cut to the outside, showing the store's windows breaking after a big flash)

NC: (rolls eyes, annoyed) ONSCREEN!

NC (vo): That's really it? We had a whole storm crazy shit they're gonna utilize, and all we got was a window crashing? (A poster for 2014's Godzilla appears) Who directed this, Gareth Edwards?!

(The Aliens quietly invade a hospital)

NC (vo): While that's happening, the Aliens sneak into a hospital, or as they call it, an all-you-can-eat buffet.

(One Alien gets his head into a ward for infants)

NC (vo): Oh, yeah.

NC: I'm sure Alien vs. Predator 2 is gonna show mass baby slaughter. This is one of their most (air quotes) "street cred" to do that.

NC (vo): Knowing how bad this series gets, they're probably just setting up a warped version of this. (The 1984's Muppet Babies logo is shown, but with "Muppet" Photoshopped into "Alien")

(The Aliens, led by the Predalien, also enter the ward for pregnant women)

NC (vo): And to their sick, disturbed credit, though, the Alien/Predator hybrid seems to find a pregnant woman and sci-fies the shit out of her.

(The Predalien impregnates a woman to breed more Aliens, and he does this by...making her swallow some big liquid, as shown by the close-up of a woman's neck)

NC: (stunned) Maybe it isn't too far from this. (The "Alien Babies" logo is shown again)

(As the survivors attempt to escape Gunnison, they make radio contact with Colonel Stevens and are told that an air evacuation is being staged at the center of town. The group drives in a tank operated by Kelly)

NC (vo): They call the National Guard, who tell them there's an airlift in the middle of town. Thank God the soldier just happened to be trained in driving tanks...

(Brief cut to a clip from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade)

Walter Donovan: You're welcome.

NC (vo): ...but she smells a big dirty rat.

Kelly: I thinkt the Colonel was lying.

Jesse: That's crazy. The government doesn't lie to people.

NC: ...That line is so sad, the movie didn't even need to give a punchline for it.

NC (vo): They figure the only other spot that would have an airlift would be at that yummy hospital, so the crew splits: half going to the town and the other half going to the hospital.

Dallas: (to Morales) Take care.

Morales: I hope we're both wrong.

NC: (as Morales) That way, we can both die. What a dumb line!

Dallas: Whatever happens inside, the only person who can't get hurt is Kelly, alright? We all protect Kelly.

NC (vo): What is this, the Titanic? Screw the "women and children first" shit, man!

Drew: What is this, the Titanic? Screw the "women and children first" shit, man.

NC: (sheepishly) I didn't sound like that, did I?

Dallas: Look, asshole, unless you can fly the helicopter, shut the fuck up.

NC: (at a loss for words) Well, maybe if you opened with that... And how do you know she can do that anyway?

NC (vo): Do they really train the same people to operate tanks and helicopters? Would it make more sense to have a specialist for both?

(Cut to a clip from Demolition Man)

Simon Phoenix: I wonder if I can play the accordion, too.

(Dallas, Kelly, Molly, Ricky, Jesse and a few others enter the invaded hospital to find the helicopter)

NC (vo): They go inside, and I have to admit, for an Alien and Predator film, I'm kind of impressed how high the body count of innocent people in this hospital is. Good God, why don't you just kill the pretty girlfriend while you're at it-

(Wolf arrives at the hospital where he dispatches more Aliens and during the battle, the Predator accidentally impales Jesse with one of his Shuriken weapons. NC drops his jaw upon seeing that)

NC: (surprised) That just came out of nowhere! (Beat) Those babies...

NC (vo): ..are dead, aren't they?!

NC: You are that goddamn crazy! (Pause) In the last ten minutes. Why did we wait an hour-twenty for this?

(Dallas, Ricky, Kelly and Molly reach the roof and fight off several Aliens before escaping in the helicopter. Dallas also takes possession of Wolf's plasma blaster)

NC (vo): Even then, most of the climax is just watching them run away to get to the helicopter- Oh, God, don't say it.

Dallas: (to Kelly) Get to the chopper!

NC: (slightly imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger) You're dead to me, movie! As dead as those babies you've probably killed. Don't people bring their dates to this?!

(Wolf battles the Predalien on the roof in a hand-to-hand combat)

NC (vo): So it's finally Predator vs. Predator/Alien. You know, in the background. Even when you do see it, it's so shaky and unappealingly green, it's like it was directed by David Fincher in a blender.

(Wolf and the Predalien mortally wound each other, as Wolf gets on top of the Predalien)

NC: (as Wolf) I'll just make out already. You know that's what we're all here to see.

(A military jet arrives, but rather than a rescue airlift, it executes a tactical nuclear strike that levels the entire city, instantly killing Sheriff Morales and everyone else gathered at ground zero)

NC (vo): But at least the airlift is arrived for those people that went into town- (seeing Gunnison getting nuked, he imitates Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons) Ha-ha!

(The shock wave causes the fleeing helicopter to crash in a clearing, where the survivors are rescued by the military)

NC (vo): The helicopter, of course, outruns the explosion, as they come across other military hiding in the forest.

Special Forces Commander: Keep down your weapons.

NC (vo; as a commander): And your adorable toy gun, too.

Dallas: You bastards killed the entire town.

Special Forces Commander: We're just following orders.

NC: ...Commentary, I guess.

NC (vo): Kinda came out of nowhere, but...oh, well, the music says to be happy, so we can wrap on unfunny line.

Dallas: (to Kelly) I told you not to crash.

NC: (as Dallas, waves off, laughing) There's so many people the government murdered, but I told you not to crash!

(Cut to Colonel Stevens (Robert Joy) walking inside some sort of corporation with a suitcase containing Wolf's plasma blaster)

NC (vo): But it's not over yet. Oh, this bait for another sequel won't lead to shit, I'm just saying there's another minute left.

(The blaster is presented to a woman, presumably the CEO)

Woman: The world isn't ready for this technology.

Colonel Stevens: But this isn't for our world. Is it, Ms. Yutani?

(The woman, played by Françoise Yip, reveals herself as the CEO of the commonly appeared and mentioned Yutani Corporation. The movie ends)

NC: (sarcastically puts his hands behind a head) Oh, I have no idea who that is!

NC (vo): This movie's so bad, I'd much rather see a film based on the directors' credit. (The end credits roll, beginning with "Directed by The Brothers Strause") "The Brothers Strause" sounds like an amazing title for anything! Why coudn't we get a Brothers Strause movie not directed by the Brothers Strause?

NC: Well, I'll tell you why we never got one, because if they can't even get a basic concept like this down, (The poster for this movie is shown) there is no hope!

(The film's clips play out for the final time as NC states the closing thoughts on it)

NC (vo): Alien vs. Predator. It should be so easy, and yet, for some reason, it's so hard. Requiem, in all fairness, is not a god-awful movie. It's just boring, uninspired and not particularly good to look at. I've seen much worse sequels, and I do have to give credit to the few times that went really extreme, but if you don't care about the people or the situations in those extreme seems, they lose their magnitude. It just feels like an uneventful movie, forgettable and meaningless. I've seen a lot worse, but I've definitely seen a lot better. Meaning this will probably be forgotten as quickly as what's-his-name, who's-her-face and something-versus-something-wrong. This is an easy one to skip.

NC: So, come on, Hollywood. Give me a new kind of monster! Something different, something totally unique that I have never seen before and I can't even believe they made a movie on!

(NC looks to his left...and discovers a tire standing on the floor)

NC: (to the camera) They couldn't have made a movie out of it.

(The credits roll, followed by a Channel Awesome logo)

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