Atop the Fourth Wall: The Movie, Part 1
November 24th, 2015
A grounded, realistic biopic of a man on the internet who reviews comic books.
(We open with opening credits based of the title cards from several "Atop The 4th Wall" episodes to the full AT4W theme. We then cut Linkara’s apartment. There is a knock on the door. Linkara (Wearing his old clothes, meaning that this is several years ago) answers. It’s Allen.)
ALLEN: Good afternoon, Mr. Linkara. My name is Allen Park. I’m with the United States government.
(Linkara slams the door on him. Allen sighs and knocks again.)
ALLEN: (chuckles) Would you believe that’s not the first time that’s happened?
LINKARA: (smiles) Won’t be the last time, either. (angry face) Now go away! (Starts to slam the door again.)
ALLEN: (Just before Linkara can fully close the door.) I’m here to talk to you about your spaceship.
(Linkara reluctantly opens the door.)
LINKARA: How do you know about that?
ALLEN: Well, our first clue was when it came into orbit. Now, may I come in?
(Linkara sighs and lets him into the apartment.)
ALLEN: Thank you. (Makes his way into the apartment) So, I hear your fans are voting on what to name the craft.
LINKARA: (Shutting the front door) Yeah. They’re going for Vigilant, though I think I’m gonna go with Comicron instead.
ALLEN: Defying what the people voted for. (tsk) Never a good idea.
LINKARA: Yeah, but it’s not their ship, now is it?
ALLEN: Then why did you put it up to a vote to begin with?
LINKARA: (sighs, heads in front of the window) Is there a reason you’re here?! I mean, I figured the government was gonna come around eventually when they found out I had a spaceship, but I thought it was so they could put a bullet in my head and then take it!
ALLEN: Speaking of popular votes, that is what all of the top brass wanted to do to you.
LINKARA: You’re here to kill me.
ALLEN: No, no! Not at all. See, I said that’s what they wanted to do with you. However, a low-ranking agent spoke up in your defense; said we (Sits on the couch) could trust you with it.
LINKARA: Who spoke up in my defense?
(Allen adjusts his tie and smiles.)
LINKARA: Oh. Why? I don’t think I’ve ever met you before.
ALLEN: You haven’t. But I actually did something they didn’t do.
LINKARA: What’s that?
ALLEN: I watched your show, Linkara.
LINKARA: You watched my show and you didn’t wanna shoot me?
ALLEN: You’re not dangerous. I don’t think you’re a threat to this country, or anyone, for that matter. You’re a guy who reviews comic books on the Internet and fights robots and monsters. Personally, I think it’s better to be on your good side. So I’m here to offer an alternate solution - and I highly recommend you take it.
LINKARA: (Folds his arms) I’m not handing over the ship.
ALLEN: (chuckles) Oh, I didn’t think you would. But here’s how this is going to work: you stay out of our way, and we’ll stay out of yours.
LINKARA: That’s it?
ALLEN: That’s it. Don’t use it for military affairs in a foreign country, don’t try to bring it down on us because a bill passed that you don’t like, and don’t try to threaten us with it. You stay out of our way, we’ll stay out of yours.
LINKARA: And if I refuse?
ALLEN: (Stands up) And if you refuse…then there’s a sharpshooter less than a hundred yards away with that bullet you mentioned.
LINKARA: (Looks out his window, then back to Allen. Sighs) Fine. I accept.
ALLEN: Splendid. I’m going to act as your liaison with the government. Here’s my card. (Hands Linkara his business card.) We’d like to have monthly progress reports from you. You’ve run into some individuals who pose a threat to this world, and we wouldn’t mind taking that information off your hands, before and after your confrontations.
LINKARA: Okay, whatever. You know the way out.
(Allen nods and heads out. He stops in front of the door.)
ALLEN: Look, you’re understandably unhappy. I get that. But I wanna be your friend. I think you’re a good person, and that we can trust you. I’m gonna try to appeal to the government to give you a little more leeway and a few less snipers outside your window.
LINKARA: I appreciate that, sir. I appreciate all you’ve done. But I can assure you that we are never going to be friends!
(Cut to a local bar. Linkara and Allen are sitting next to eachother and drinking. Linkara is obviously drunk and now wearing his current clothes (White dress shirt with brown tie and vest). Caption pops up saying: "FOUR YEARS LATER")
LINKARA: YOU ARE THE BEST FRIEND EVER!
ALLEN: Linkara, I said I would try to get you the chair, not that I would.
LINKARA: You will get me the chair, because you are the best friend ever who gets me the best gifts ever!
(Linkara pats Allen on the shoulder.)
ALLEN: Linkara, I got you a comic book last year.
LINKARA: And it was a good comic book! And in my line of work, I take what kinda good comics I can get. Now then! Why are you not drinking alcohol right now? It is my birthday tomorrow, and we are supposed to be celebrating!
ALLEN: Would that I could, Linkara, but I have to monitor the Caelestis’ communications with Earth tomorrow, and I cannot be hungover for that.
LINKARA: Why do you wanna go to Jupiter? You know what’s in Jupiter? Nothin’! Just broken chunks of a house that I blew up! Did I ever tell you about the time I saved the day by blowing up a house in space?
ALLEN: (chuckles) Yes, you did. Several times, in fact. You also said that I don’t owe you any more presents after I got the snipers recalled.
LINKARA: They did that because I saved the world from the Entity! Me! Because I’m awesome! (Slams his glass on the table.)
ALLEN: You’re also drunk.
LINKARA: I am drunk, because I am awesome!
ALLEN: (Stands up) All right. I’m taking you home.
LINKARA: (He struggles to stand upright. He chuckles) You are not taking me home. You are going to drink with me, and tomorrow, we are gonna watch bad movies together. Screw Jupiter!
(Linkara nearly falls over. Allen holds him steady.)
ALLEN: Linkara, you are drunk. I am taking you home.
LINKARA: No no no no! I am taking you home, because I can teleport! NIMUE, beam us back to the apartment!
(They are both teleported from the bar to Linkara’s apartment. Linkara almost falls over again.)
ALLEN: Wha… (sighs) What about all that whiskey you just took a swim in?
LINKARA: (chuckles) It’s okay, they owe me there. I always buy up half their supply when I’m reviewing Marville.
ALLEN: All right. Well, come on, birthday boy. Let’s get you to bed, okay?
(Allen helps him walk across the hallway.)
LINKARA: Hey, Allen?
LINKARA: Thank you for getting the snipers recalled.
ALLEN: (chuckles) No problem, Linkara. You sleep well, birthday boy.
(Linkara is now in his bed, fast asleep)
LINKARA: Mm, Sinnamon…(Back in the hallway.)
ALLEN: (yawns) Hey, NIMUE?
NIMUE (off-screen): Confirmed.
ALLEN: Would you mind taking me back to the bar? I kind of left my car there.
NIMUE: Request accepted. Prepare for teleport.
ALLEN: Thank you, NIMUE.
(Allen is teleported away. Back in Linkara's bedroom, Linkara shudders in his sleep, breathing heavily, evidently having a nightmare. Scenes of his past battles in grayscale flash by in rapid sequence. He awakes gasping for breath. In a few seconds he calms himself down and grasps his head exasperatedly.)
LINKARA: (Depressingly sings to himself.) Happy birthday to me…
(He turns on the television. A report from the Global News Network is on. A picture of the Caelestis is shown.)
LORI PRINCE: …has indicated that he is in good spirits. Independent Space reports that the spaceship Caelestis will be approaching Jupiter today after an historic three month journey. Its speedy arrival is thanks to the development of the Mac Fail Drive, which drastically increases its speed. Development of the Mac Fail Drive was made possible thanks to the sale of advanced technology by former president N. Sano (Dr. Insano’s picture is shown with the caption: ‘Dr. N. Sano.’) who created the unorthodox method of space travel.
(Cut to an interview with Dr. Insano. Caption: ‘Recorded 4 Months Earlier’.)
DR. INSANO: I can’t believe you idiots actually bought this stuff! I mean…yeah, it worked, but who the hell wants their spaceship looking like Better Homes & Gardens? Whatever. Your hard-earned tax money’s now going into my pocket, where I will use it to genetically engineer crossbreeds of armadillos and tarantulas! (crazed laugh)
(Linkara rolls his eyes and turns off the television. He gets out of bed and stops in the Kitchen, hungover.)
POLLO: (With his new voice, played by MasterTheCreater) And good morning to you, Linkara.
LINKARA: Well, it is morning, but the jury’s still out on ‘good.’
POLLO: I’m guessing, then, that wishing you a happy birthday will beget you a similar response. Bad night?
LINKARA: Yeah, a bit. But hey, it’s a new day and all that.
POLLO: A new day and a new review that needs to be put together. I’ve selected something suitably awful for you to work on, and I’ve put a pot of coffee on.
LINKARA: Thanks, man.
POLLO: I never said the coffee was for you.
(They both look to see Eliza on the floor with a mug.)
LINKARA: Do you guys ever stop and ask yourselves, ‘how did I get here?’
ELIZA: I was created by your mad scientist as a Christmas present. I stick around because the coffee is good and you’re funny.
POLLO: And I got here because you originally built me to do the reviews. Instead, you’re my cash cow, since I get to be your producer.
LINKARA: I feel so loved right now.
POLLO: Ah, we’re just ribbin’ you, man. I made the coffee for both of you. Regardless of how you’re feeling, I think it’s going to be a great day. Drink up, film the review…then let’s watch some bad movies with your lovely blue friends.
LINKARA: Right, right, right, right… (Linkara sits on the couch, Thermos in hand.) Okay.
(He types a bit on his laptop and looks at that week’s kindling - BloodGunn #1. He sighs, taking a sip of coffee and shaking his head. After looking at the first page, he brings out a flask of whiskey from his shirt pocket and drinks.)
LINKARA: Yep… (huffs)
(Later, Linkara is in position going over his script as Pollo prepares to film the review. They begin.)
LINKARA: (clears throat) …Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. And boy howdy, do we have a really bad one today! I am, of course, talking about…
(He suddenly has a brief flashback to encoutering Vyce’s ship and freezes up. He gets up off the couch and leaves the room. ‘90s Kid is in the corner by the closet.)
‘90s KID: Uh, dude, don’t we have to, like, film the episode?
LINKARA: No. I, um…I need to go take care of something. Stay there.
‘90s KID: It’s where I always am!
(Linkara is at the bar again, forlorn.)
DOMINIC: Well, I’d ask you if you wanted me to leave the bottle, mate, but I don’t even think you finished that one drink so far.
LINKARA: I like to stare at it. It makes life seem much more dramatic when I do. (Looks at Dominic) Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like the Nostalgia Critic?
DOMINIC: About thirty times a day. Has anyone ever told you you look like Harvey Finevoice?
LINKARA: He’s like, fifty.
DOMINIC: Sure he is.
(Dominic leaves. Linkara continues to stare at his shot. Allen arrives and sits next to Linkara, just ending a phone call.)
ALLEN: (sighs) All right, Linkara, I have ten minutes. Would you like to tell me why you pulled me away from monitoring the most important space flight in the last decade?
LINKARA: Well, you’re not the first people to go to Jupiter.
ALLEN: Well, we’re the first not to be backed by an evil organization, at the very least.
LINKARA: (sarcastic) Oh, no! Just the US government! Nothing evil there.
ALLEN: (sighs) Linkara, I know you didn’t pull me down here again just to criticize the United States government.
LINKARA: (pause) It’s my birthday today, you know.
ALLEN: Yes. I’m aware. We were here last night celebrating. Were you so drunk that you forgot, or are you just upset that I’m not getting you that thing you wanted?
LINKARA: It would not be that hard to get me Captain Kirk’s chair, and you know it! But it’s not just that.
ALLEN: Then what the hell is it?!
LINKARA: (pause) Allen…why do you work for the government?
LINKARA: Why do you do what you do?
ALLEN: Because I’m a patriot, I guess…
LINKARA: Could you be a little more specific?
ALLEN: Because…because I believe in this country, and the ideals it stands for. Sure, it doesn’t always live up to those standards, but…I believe in helping out as many people as I can. Look, Linkara, what are we doing here?
LINKARA: What am I still doing here?!
ALLEN: You’re drunk again, aren’t you?
LINKARA: No, no, I’m not. It’s just…I’ve been thinking a lot lately about…my life, what I’ve seen, what I’ve done. And it just… I dunno! There’s just something naggin’ at the back of my head. Maybe I’m finally just realizing now how not normal my life is. For cryin’ out loud, I own a magic gun!
ALLEN: Where’d you purchase that, anyway?
(Linkara glares at him.)
LINKARA: Allen, what the hell am I doing with my life?
ALLEN: I’m…I’m not sure what you mean.
LINKARA: What do I have going for me that makes me wanna see my next birthday?
ALLEN: Well, you’ve got a lot of people who’d be sad to see you go. Me included.
LINKARA: You can’t just live for other people. That’s not living. You need something for yourself, Allen. What have I got going for myself?
ALLEN: Well…you have a good life. You have a family, you have friends, you have things that you enjoy, that you’re excited about. (Places a hand on his shoulder.) Look, you think your life isn’t that normal? Really, it’s all about dealing with hardships, and everybody has to deal with those. Frankly, I think life’s worth living for its own sake.
LINKARA: Hmm. Some days, I agree with you. Others… (sighs) I dunno. Maybe I called you out here for nothing. Maybe I’m just having an early midlife crisis. I’ve just…been thinking a lot about myself and my life, and…I don’t know what I want anymore. I’ve been thinking about ending the show, because…I’m not certain why I’m still doin’ it.
ALLEN: Possibly. But you are appreciated, though - I can assure you of that. My superiors are certainly glad that you’re around.
LINKARA: Your superiors want the spaceship that I have in orbit with the big gun pointing down.
ALLEN: Yes, but they are much happier that you have it rather than someone else.
LINKARA: Sure they are…
ALLEN: You are moody today. Would Captain Kirk’s chair help?
(Allen stands up.)
ALLEN: All right. Well, I’ll see what I can do. In the meantime, go home. Watch movies with your friends. Watch the Caelestis reach Jupiter.
(Allen makes his exit.)
LINKARA: Uh-huh… If you guys find a monolith out there, I call dibs!
(Linkara is startled as Frenchy, played by Brian Heinz, has replaced Dominic as bartender.)
LINKARA: What happened to the other guy?
FRENCHY: Other guy? There was no other guy! You’ve been drinkin’ all day! You’re seein’ things, mate! One minute, you come in, you’re talkin’ to no one, (devolves into gibberish). Boy, can I tell ya somethin’! At the end of the day, who cares, man? Who cares? You haven’t paid your bill yet, and that’s all I care about, so (gibberish)! Here… (He pulls up a fancy bottle.) Make yourself useful. Tell me what you think. Celian.
(Linkara gets up and backs away slowly.)
FRENCHY: You’re not better than me!
(We cut to outer space as The Caelestis is in the midst of its journey. The interior, much like The USS Exit-Strategy, looks like a house with a display monitor for the 3 astronauts (Romero, Logan, and Anders) to use in front of the couch.)
ROMERO: (To their communications) Houston, this is Caelestis. We have entered Jovian territory. Estimated arrival to Galilean moons is two hours and fourteen minutes. All lights are green. No sign of any problems. Sensor contact reports that the debris field is exactly where we thought it would be. Looking forward to hearing back from you in an hour or two. Caelestis out.
LOGAN: (To Romero) I still can’t believe this. (sighs) I mean…okay. A year of planning this trip, three months to get there, and then, right before we get there, it’s like, ‘Hey, can you deviate from your flight plan and check out this debris field that’s left over from some madman that tried to take over the world?’
ROMERO: Steady on, Logan. We knew this was a possibility.
LOGAN: Yeah, but they didn’t need to wait ‘til the last minute to tell us. I mean, if just one of those pieces of debris hits us…
ROMERO: It won’t! We’ll be moving in parallel to the dispersal pattern, and we’ll be matching the velocity of the debris.
ROMERO: Plus we have automatic sealants to take care of any pinpricks in this baby’s haul.
LOGAN: I wish I shared your confidence.
ANDERS: Don’t worry about it, man. We’re not gonna find anything out here. The death bomb was…
LOGAN: The death bomb! The death… They seriously called it that?!
ANDERS: The death bomb was practically vaporized. It’s all just junk floating out in…
LOGAN: Yeah, if one of those pieces of junk punctures of hull…
ROMERO: I think somebody is cranky this morning. I think somebody needs to sit in the comfy chair!
(Logan and Evelyn stare at each other. Logan relents and sits in the chair.)
LOGAN: This’ll never not be weird.
ANDERS: We’ve been out here for three months, and only now do you decide to comment on that?
LOGAN: We’re sitting in a living room!
ROMERO: We are sitting in a state-of-the-art spacecraft, and we are ready to make history! Now, I don’t care if it happens in a shower stall or a La-Z Boy, as long as it gets us there and gets us home! Now put on your grown-up astronaut pants and give me a readout on engine consumption!
LOGAN: (huffs) Sorry, sorry, sorry. Uh…energy consumption’s nominal. Look, I’m just saying that the universe is a strange, strange place.
ANDERS: Yet better strange than boring. Okay, we’re coming up on the debris field now. Not seeing anything on initial navigation… We should be smooth sailing.
ROMERO: I would not be so quick with that assessment, Anders.
ANDERS: Why is that?
ROMERO: I’m detecting a power source out there.
(A light on the control board blinks. note: the label below this light reads 'blinkenlichten', or 'blinking light')
ANDERS: How can anything still have power out there? It’s been floating in space for a few years now.
ROMERO: Uh…well, let’s find out. It’s a small object; it’s a foot, foot and a half long; and the power is very faint. Logan, do you think it’s small enough to bring on board?
LOGAN: Yes, but at the highest possible quarantine until we can identify. And then keep your finger on the button so you can flash it into space at a moment’s notice.
ROMERO: Agreed. Anders, maneuver us closer on standard fuel and prepare the grapple arm.
(The ship heads further into the debris field. We then cut to someone house, maybe a friend of Linkara of one of the reviewer. Nash arrives at the door.)
NASH: Hey, Linkara. Happy birthday.
LINKARA: Hey, dude. Where’s Calluna? I thought she was coming with you.
NASH: Yeah, she was, but there was some kind of emergency with the Nostalgia Critic. They called in a whole bunch of people to deal with it.
(Cut to Nostalgia Critic’s studio. Critic is rocking back and forth crying into a pillow.)
CALLUNA: For the love of God, Critic, why did you watch Garbage Pail Kids again?! What were you thinking?!
NOSTALGIA CRITIC: I don’t know! I thought it would get better with age!
BENNETT THE SAGE: Critic, open the door before you are permanently traumatized!
CRITIC: I don’t know what happiness is anymore! Joy is a lie! A LIE!
NASH: Hey, so what’s on the agenda for the evening?
OBSCURUS LUPA: A little brandy, talk of sophistication, and a treatise on Satra vs. Spinosa.
LUPA: Mm-hm! And The Amazing Bulk! You will laugh. You will cry. You will poop your pants.
MARZGURL: Probably not a good idea to do that on somebody else’s couch.
LINKARA: (On the cellphone) Are you sure you don’t wanna come, Harvey? You’re perfectly welcome to.
(Harvey is on Comicron-1.)
HARVEY: Nah, someone’s gotta stick around here and make sure this new reefer doesn’t blow the ship up when you screw in a lightbulb. Besides, I’m not really good with crowds unless I’m the center of attention.
LINKARA: All right, but tell ‘90s Kid that if he’s not gonna watch movies with us to go up there and keep you company.
HARVEY: (Sarcastic) Oh…good. The idiot’ll keep me company. Ain’t that bat city.
LINKARA: Well, it’s either ‘90s Kid or the Mats.
(A Cybermat passes by on the ship floor.)
HARVEY: Point taken. Enjoy your flicks, kid. I’m out.
LINKARA: I’ll try to. Bye.
(Linkara hangs up and watches his guests make conversation. We cut to the Caelestis in the debris of the Death Bomb. We hear screams heard from outside the ship from the 3 astronauts. We then cut to Allen in his office, stressed.
EMPLOYEE (PLAYED BY DADKARA): Sir?
ALLEN: Is there any word?
EMPLOYEE: No, sir.
ALLEN: We were supposed to hear back from them over an hour ago. Are we still receiving a signal from the ship?
EMPLOYEE: Yes, sir. It’s delayed, of course, but we’re still getting readings on the ship and the crew.
ALLEN: Am I to call, DC?
EMPLOYEE: For now, it’s at your discretion if you’d like to bring him in.
ALLEN: Contact some observatories. Give them the coordinates. See if we can’t get a better picture of what’s going on out there. If we haven’t heard back in a couple hours...I’ll make the call.
EMPLOYEE: Yes, sir.
(Employee leaves the office. Allen looks at a printout of the AT4W logo pinned to his bulletin board. We cut back to the house; Linkara, Lupa, MarzGurl, Nash, Angry Joe, and Cinema Snob are huddled around the TV watching The Incredible Bulk.
LINKARA: Well…that was somethin’.
LUPA: I know, right? It’s glorious!
CINEMA SNOB: That thing looks like the Grimace if he stuck steroids up his ass.
ANGRY JOE: I’m gonna be down to a 24-pack of beer!
LUPA: And it’s awesome!
POLLO: As a floating blue robot made from a water heater, I can safely say that was the most unrealistic thing I’ve ever seen.
Well, it was amazing, so at least it did live up to its title.
SNOB: Welp, time for my movie selection!
LINKARA: It’s not gonna be Caligula again, is it? I’m almost thirty, and I still felt like I needed an adult after that.
SNOB: No, no, no, no. I learned my lesson after that one. It’s gonna be Salo.
(Nash whimpers. There’s a knock on the door.)
LINKARA: Finally, the pizza’s here!
MARZGURL: Didn’t we order that before we started watching The Amazing Bulk?
SNOB: (chuckles) Just as well. You’re definitely gonna want some food while watching Salo.
LINKARA: Well, at least cold pizza is better than no pizza.
He gets up to answer the door.
NASH: You only say that because you have no taste buds!
(Linkara answers the door, It's Allen.)
LINKARA: You’re not pizza.
ALLEN: I’m saucier than pizza. We need to talk. May I come in?
(We cut to the kitchen, Allen slaps photographs of the Caelestis crew onto the counter.)
LINKARA: When was the last time you made contact with them?
ALLEN: Going on six hours now. Telescopes and biological readings tell us that they’re out there, but for whatever reason, they’re just not answering.
JOE: Couldn’t their communications just be out?
ALLEN: Yeah, well, we thought of that, but the Caelestis is equipped with two backup communication stations that they’re supposed to use should the first one go out. It is possible that all three are out, but highly unlikely, considering one of them is on a system completely separate from the ship’s main power.
LINKARA: Do we even know if they’re still alive?
ALLEN: We’re tracking the astronauts’ vitals. I mean, it’s delayed, of course, but all things considered, they should’ve checked in by now, and they seem to be perfectly healthy.
SNOB: Should we even be looking at this? This seems like classified top secret government document stuff.
Ah, wouldn’t worry about it. It’s not like anyone here is gonna be tweeting this or something.
Lupa sheepishly hides her iPad behind her back before anyone notices. Tweet reads ‘Secret government documents lol #spacesuitsarecalledpoopysuits’
LINKARA: So what do you want me to do about it?
ALLEN: As far as I know, you’re the only person on Earth with a spaceship fast enough to get out there and see what’s going on.
LINKARA: Yes, Comicron-1 can be out there in a few hours, I guess.
ALLEN: Perfect! When do we leave?
LINKARA: (laughs) I didn’t invite you.
ALLEN: Linkara, the United States government has a large, vested interest in this project, and as a representative of said government, I’m coming with you.
LINKARA: Well, that’s nice, Allen. But I’m a little uncomfortable with an agent of the United States government stepping on board a ship that said government would like to take away from me.
ALLEN: Linkara, do you think for even a second, even if I wanted to take your ship from you, that I would have any idea how it works?
LINKARA: …Okay, fair enough point. I guess one more person isn’t gonna make a difference. Pollo, rev the…
NASH: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Who said anything about one more person? I wanna come on and help!
LINKARA: Wait, I don’t…
MARZGURL: Some astronauts up there are in trouble, and I don’t think any of us wanna see them hurt or killed.
LINKARA: Well, nobody does, but I…
JOE: Yeah, Linkara. Something bad may be going down out there. In that case, you’re gonna need a weapons expert.
LINKARA: I’ve used weapons before!
SNOB: And I’m drunk enough to think this is a good idea!
LINKARA: (Shouts) GUYS! Look, I’m not against you guys comin’ along with me, but we don’t know what’s goin’ on up there! This could all be for nothing!
LUPA: Yeah, but the last time we went to space, it wasn’t exactly happy fun times. I’d like to go when we’re not actually being shot at.
NASH: I never get to go to space!
JOE: And plus, you’re not blackmailing us or threatening us or promising non-existent cars, so that’s a plus!
MARZGURL: Linkara, we’re your friends, and people need our help. Let us help you!
(Linkara struggles to make a decision.)
LINKARA: All right. Let’s all go into space.
ALL: Yeah! All right!
SNOB: And I’ll bring Salo so we can watch it along the way! (laughs)
(The group teleports aboard Comicron-1, which is now an actual set rather than green screen like in the past.)
JOE: Hmm, I see you’ve done some redecorating since I’ve last been here!
LINKARA: Yep. Everything used to be controlled by a single console, which is kind of problematic when the one console explodes in your face. NIMUE,what’s our status?
NIMUE: Standard orbit now in effect. Awaiting further instructions.
HARVEY: Kid! You didn’t tell me you were bringin’ company.
LINKARA: Harvey, this is everyone. Everyone, this is Harvey.
MARZGURL: Do you usually keep lounge singers on your spaceship?
LINKARA: Only at parties. I mean, something’s gotta entertain you guys on the trip there.
HARVEY: I usually fly the ship for the kid. I was just makin’ some adjustments before we got underway. (to Joe) You’re the guy who helped us take out Vyce that first time, aren’t ya?
JOE: That’s right! Name’s Joe. Nice to meet ya. (Shakes his hand)
LINKARA: Joe, I think you can handle the weapons. Harvey will show you the systems. Nash!
NASH: What now?
LINKARA: When they’re done, Harvey will bring you around to engineering. You know technical stuff. You should be able to handle it.
NASH: …I hit things. They get fixed.
LINKARA: Good for you! As for everyone else, here’s the rest of the bridge.
(The remaining group follows him.)
NASH: Hi, I’m…Nash.
HARVEY: I’m Harvey. I hate the hippie hair.
(Handshake. Nash looks around.)
NASH: …Sorry? Do Sinatra’s people know about this? I thought we weren’t doing the copyright infringement thing anymore.
HARVEY: (chuckles) I like you, Nash. You got spunk.
NASH: You’ve got a rude way of saying hello.
HARVEY: I find it’s a lot easier to find out who a person is by insultin’ ‘em than by just sayin’ hello. Anyway, here’s how the engines work.
(While Linkara shows the reviewers the bridge of the ship, Allen is on his cellphone.)
LINKARA: And this is the science station! It does science. …I think. I don’t know, I haven’t tested this thing out yet.
(The lights go out when he touches it.)
MARZGURL: Or it’s the lightswitch.
‘90s KID: No, dudes! Just rerouting some power.
(The lights turn back on. ‘90s Kid jumps into the scene.)
‘90s KID: Had a gnarly idea about how I could redirect power from the sensors to the guns!
LINKARA: I believe you are all familiar with ‘90s Kid.
‘90s KID: I think most people are familiar with the most radical person on your show.
LINKARA: Okay, quick question. So how exactly are we supposed to shoot our enemies if we don’t have the sensors?
‘90s KID: (he starts to answer but can’t come up with anything.) Okay, obviously there are still a few hiccups in my idea. No need to be buggin’.
LINKARA: We’ll save modifications for when we get back.
‘90s KID: Buzzkill.
(Linkara walks away.)
‘90s KID: Dude! You’re Obscurus Lupa!
‘90s KID: You reviewed Simon Sez!
LUPA: I repeat, yeah…?
‘90s KID: And you loved it!
LUPA: Well, yeah, I did... Actually, now that I’ve been reminded of that movie’s existence, that’s the movie we’re gonna be watchin’ on the way.
LINKARA: MarzGurl, you will be second in command. I need you to keep Allen from taking pictures of the ship.
ALLEN: Your trust in me never ceases to warm my heart, Linkara.
LINKARA: And punch anyone who says anything stupid.
MARZGURL: Punching hands ready!
LINKARA: Lupa, ‘90s Kid, you guys will be in charge of figuring out a plan about what to do in case…I dunno, aliens or something attack the Caelestis and we have to fight them.
(‘90s Kid gives an enthusiastic thumbs up.)
LUPA: Why me?!
LINKARA: Because you’re smart and you can probably kick my ass.
LUPA: Yeah, not probably.
LINKARA: Mm-hm. All right! Allen, how much do you know about the Caelestis mission?
ALLEN: Everything. I’m even well versed in the theories behind creating its engine.
LINKARA: You work the science station. Coordinate with NIMUE.
(Allen complies. Linkara sits in the captain’s chair and uses the communicator.)
LINKARA: Pollo, this the bridge. Before you get down there, what’s the status of the engines?
POLLO (V/O): Ready and waiting.
LINKARA: Good to hear. All right. Joe, set a course for the…
(Snob sneaks up on him.)
SNOB: Hey! What do you got for me, chief?
LINKARA: Cinema Snob. I, um…uh… You’re the comic relief.
SNOB: Can do, sugar tits! Hey, I’m hilarious! All right!
LINKARA: All right, everybody get comfortable. Joe, set a course for Jupiter, standard speed by one half until we’ve cleared orbit, and then punch it to standard by seven. (His hand is trembling.)
MARZGURL: Hey, are you okay?
LINKARA: What do you mean?
MARZGURL: Your hand’s shaking.
JOE: Course laid in.
LINKARA: All right. Take us out.
(The ship lurches forward, sending everyone toppling over.)
JOE: Whoa! Okay, note to self… (chuckles) this is inverted controls. Great.
MARZGURL: I think we’re gonna need a minute to learn how to fly this thing.
LINKARA: Okey dokey! Uh…NIMUE, why don’t ya scroll up some tutorial videos for us?
(Video is brought up.)
NIMUE: Tutorial system engaged. Step 1: Crash Avoidance.
LUPA: Ooh, and when that’s done, queue up Simon Sez.
NIMUE: Accessing database. Queueing film: Simon Sez, starring Dennis Rodman and Dane Cook.
LINKARA" NIMUE, cancel that order.
‘90s KID & LUPA: Aww!
(We then cut to the Caelestis, the grappling arm of the ship grabs a piece from the debris field.)
(To be continued in Part 2)