Amazons Attack #5 and 6
March 23, 2009
Well, in the end the Amazons did in fact attack, so I guess the comic did what it promised.
(Open on Linkara sitting on his futon, staring silently at the camera; he sighs)
Linkara: No, I'm not gonna say it. Why? Because I'm not gonna review it. I'm done. I'm not gonna keep torturing myself by reading this crap. I risk psychological harm by continuing to witness this monumental disaster. So instead, I'm just gonna have a loop of LOLCats play for the next twenty minutes.
(A montage of LOLCats images is shown, including one of a cat chasing a dot of light saying "So we meet again Mr. Dot - Prepare to die"; a cat with a mustache saying "Frankly my dear - I don't give a meow."; and a cat at a piano saying, "I don't do requests - Is chopsticks or nuffin"; cut back to Linkara)
Linkara: Okay, as it turns out, I'm going to get fired if I don't review it. So let's finish this sucker, shall we?
(Shots of the "Amazons Attack" comic series are shown)
Linkara (v/o): Following the conclusion to "Amazons Attack", the fan backlash was enormous. While Will Pfeifer hasn't commented on the series beyond promoting it, he was kind enough to consistently keep his blog open for feedback. Lots of people actually mailed their copies of "Amazons Attack" back to DC, because of how enraged they were, particularly with the ending, but we'll get to that later. Now, I attack this comic a lot, but frankly, this whole storyline was an editorial mandate, and a stupid one at that, so I hold no ill will towards Pfeifer for it. Even its attempts at saving itself are fraught with horrible connotations. Take, for example, the Bana being a story element. Forgiving for a moment that we've already seen the Amazons acting pretty damn evil, what with killing innocent children and all, the Bana themselves are easily a stand-in for real-life terrorists. The Bana originated from Egypt, they engaged in terrorist activities, and, oh, yeah, THE COMIC FLAT-OUT CALLS THEM TERRORISTS!! And since the Bana are Middle Eastern, and in this case wearing stereotypical African war paint for some reason, this adds new, uncomfortable layers to this mess.
Linkara: So, with all that, what we've got so far is an unnecessary, unwanted, sexist, and kinda racist story that leads us all to wonder, what the hell DC was thinking! So, with all that in mind, let's dig into (holds up the comic of review) "Amazons Attack #5 and #6".
Linkara (v/o): Issue 5, of course, is precluded by text explaining the tie-ins: Batman went to Gotham, helped Catwoman with the Bana, and then went back again. Well, that information is completely useless! Next paragraph! Wonder Woman goes back to Themyscira and retrieves the antidote to Nemesis' bee sting.
(Cut to a shot of Batman from an earlier issue)
Batman: Bees. My God.
(Back to the current comic)
Linkara (v/o): During this, Circe launches a nuclear attack on Themyscira... somehow and for some reason that isn't explained. Wonder Woman also apparently meets up with the goddess Athena, wanting an explanation for why she hasn't intervened in the war. Athena refuses to justify her actions and sends her back to the battlefield. Wow, wasn't it great to learn all that despite the fact that it has no bearing on the story? (the comic proper begins) As if one exposition page wasn't enough, we go back to a LexNews special report. Can you really call it a special report when this crap has been going on for like a week now in-comic? And the reporter says that Superman personally flew the President to Mount Weather, even though, in the last issue, we saw him and the two blonde boneheads flying back to D.C.
Linkara: (pretending to write in comic, dopey voice) Dah, story continuity? What's that?
LexNews Reporter: But new reports are coming out of Washington, rumors of a diabolical Amazonian weapon... that has--somehow--completely sealed off the city!
Linkara: A force field?! That's just wrong, man! That's just twisted!
Linkara (v/o): Superman flies back to Washington and, like an idiot, slams right into the force field. Why is it suddenly invisible when previously we could clearly see the damn thing? Well, there is an actual explanation for this, and that explanation is...
Linkara: Hey, everybody! (holds up a statue of a bunny and shakes it back and forth in front of him) Look at the pretty bunny! Look at the pretty bunny!
Linkara (v/o): Superman contacts Batman, who's on the other side of the bubble. They reiterate what we already know, that nobody can get in or out and that the most powerful of them are outside the bubble.
Batman: If the Amazons did do this, then where's the major assault? The one that finishes us off, once and for all?
Linkara (v/o): So he immediately deducted that it's standard military practice for the Amazons to annihilate a major city, encase that city in a bubble, and then wage a major assault? Wow, Batman is a master strategist!
(Cut to a clip of Patton, in which Patton is looking out through a pair of binoculars)
Patton: You magnificent bastard, I READ YOUR BOOK!
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): Meanwhile, Karna, the leader of the Bana, races towards the bubble.
Grace Choi: The Bana, the Bana, the Bana.
Linkara (v/o): Or in this case, the banal.
Grace: All I hear about is a series of vague threats. Honestly, it's getting a little boring.
Linkara (v/o): Seriously, folks, I think Grace realizes she's in this garbage heap of a comic and isn't standing for it.
Karna: It's time you learned the true story of the Bana.
Grace: The "true story"? Oooooh, sounds scandalous!
Linkara: Grace has now become my favorite character in the world, if only because she's not taking this idiocy seriously.
Linkara (v/o): Karna gives some bullcrap story about how the Bana were forced out of the Amazons... No, the Bana refused to worship the Greek gods after feeling abandoned by them, so they left voluntarily! Karna says she did a DNA analysis on Grace and discovered that she, too, is a Bana!
(Linkara looks up in shock as a dramatic sting starts to play, but he becomes annoyed)
Linkara: (stopping the sting abruptly) Oh, who the hell cares by this point?
Linkara (v/o): So, this one statement, without any kind of actual evidence to back it up, is enough for Grace to go all teary-eyed and join the Bana. (sighs) Rest in peace, Grace Choi's intelligence. Your face-kicking snark was enjoyed.
Karna: That's only the beginning of your education, Grace. There's more. Much more.
Linkara: (as Karna) Or rather, less. You see, to be a Bana, you must stop wearing pants and show more cleavage.
Linkara (v/o): Wonder Woman reappears from her tie-in material right next to Batman. How convenient.
Wonder Woman: (to Batman) Aren't you even the least bit curious how I managed to appear out of nowhere?
Linkara: (as Batman) Diana, we threw out logic in this comic, like, four issues ago. Just roll with it.
Linkara (v/o): Batman brings her up to speed about the magic bubble and indicates that it must be Circe who's responsible.
Wonder Woman: But she's dead. My mother killed her right in front of me.
Linkara (v/o): Dot dot dot. (as Batman) Geez, it's true. The women in this comic really are idiots. (normal again) Grace and the Bana arrive at the end of the bubble, but Superman's already there as well. He informs Grace that the Bana were responsible for the attacks on the military bases and the nuclear plant. Grace asks Karna if that's true. Dot dot dot.
Linkara: Uh... (holds up bunny figure again and shakes it back and forth again, as Karna) Hey! Look at the pretty bunny, look at the pretty bunny!
Linkara (v/o): Karna shows her true colors and grabs onto Grace, holding a stupid little dagger to her neck and threatens to kill her if Superman should make a move. Despite the fact that Grace has superhuman strength and Superman is obviously faster than Karna, he just lets the Bana pass through the bubble.
Karna: And you will stand there, wondering how we did it...
Linkara: Ooh! I know how!
(Linkara points above him and, to a ding, the phrase, "Inhumanly Awful Writing", is displayed)
Linkara (v/o): So Karna stabs Grace in the side and walks off with the rest of the Bana. Well, Grace's heel turn plot point lasted all of five pages. I'm so glad they put it in. It was such a vital component to this whole comic that the entire story would have fallen apart without it. Karna and Hippolyta meet up, and the two Amazon groups join forces.
Hippolyta: Karna, I am honored that you have chosen to join us. At last, the sisters are one, our enemies are trapped-- and the final battle can begin.
Linkara: (as Hippolyta) There can be only one! (raises his finger in the air, causing a flash of lightning and a crash of thunder)
Linkara (v/o): Over to Circe, who's doing her shtick of explaining to an unnamed, faceless Amazon her plan before she kills her.
Linkara: (pretending to write in comic) "And... twirly mustache..."
Linkara (v/o): Batman, however, knocks out the Amazon and confronts Circe. The powerful, evil sorceress, however, finds her magic disabled, courtesy of some magic phrase that the superhero Zatanna supplied Batman. Yes, magic is just that easy, folks. No further explanation necessary. And Circe, the main villain of this whole comic, the sorceress who has cheated death and manipulated everybody, gets knocked out by Batman, who just shoves her over!
Linkara: (talking on phone) Hello, "Doom's IV"? I'm sorry. I want you back.
Linkara (v/o): Smoking a Lotta Hippolyta rallies the Amazons and Bana for the next attack. (as Hippolyta) Just to show how evil we are, let's all talk about how we're going to slaughter weak and defenseless soldiers! (normal again) However, a red streak of light hits them, killing them all and ending this piece of crap, finally!
Linkara: (excitedly) Hooray! It's over! Now I can finally just–
Linkara (v/o): Oh, no, wait, it was Superman just flying past. And despite the massive explosion, everyone is fine. With Circe's magic out of the way, the heroes can now storm the– Oh, for crying out loud, there are only twelve superheroes here?! Twelve?! It's like the only ones who actually appeared in the comic were the ones who were contractually obligated to be in it. No one else wanted to be a part of it! Circe picks herself up.
Circe: Uhh... Bastard. That hurt.
Linkara: (as Circe) I'll make him pay for lightly shoving me!
Circe: (as dramatic music plays in the background) Still, I should be thanking him. The Amazons, the Bana-- the mortal army and even the heroes of Patriarch's world-- ready to annihilate one another in final battle. Everything they've fought for, sacrificed for and died for-- is about to crumble before their eyes-- exactly as I planned.
Linkara: (as Circe) Yes, my evil, nefarious, diabolical plan to... to... Wait, what the hell was my plan? And what was I trying to achieve with it?
Linkara (v/o): Back with Grace, who suddenly remembers that she's super strong, and as such, a simple knife really shouldn't be able to hurt her. And so, issue 5 ends with Wonder Woman passing her, telling her to join the battle, which now suddenly includes the U.S. military for some reason. All righty, one issue to go, and it's off to a good start: no text recap for tie-ins and no idiotic LexNews segment. Nuttier-Than-a-Nut-Goodie is now all of a sudden in the ruins of the Oval Office with several dead soldiers.
Hippolyta: WHERE IS SHE?!
Linkara: (as Hippolyta) Where is Gail Simone?! I need someone who actually knows how to write my character!
Linkara (v/o): Wonder Woman is flying around the Smithsonian in an awkward pose that makes her look like she's doing stretching exercises. She locates Circe and confronts her.
Wonder Woman: Was your "death" just another part of your plan?
Linkara (v/o): WHAT PLAN?!? She planned for Air Force One to be brought down?! She planned to get knocked unconscious by Batman?! She planned for the Bana to be purportedly the real enemy, only they're not, thus making their entire subplot utterly, totally, completely WORTHLESS?!? Circe says that Diana won't kill her, so Diana hits her right in the collar with the handle of her sword.
Linkara: (as Circe, clutching his collar) No! My clavicle bone! My one weakness!
Linkara (v/o): Before Wonder Woman can kill Circe, thus ending her complex, intricate and well-orchestrated "plan", mad mother Hippolyta starts fighting her. Why? Do you really expect an answer? Seriously? Hippolyta gets knocked back into the Smithsonian and comes back out again, throwing a PLANE at Wonder Woman, which is the only point in this mess where this actually is kind of awesome. Thus, she finally has Diana at her mercy. Diana gives the speech she should have given FIVE ISSUES AGO about how she's not under Circe's control anymore, and that whatever decision she makes is up to her.
Wonder Woman: If this war really is your will and desire, then go ahead. Finish the job. Kill me.
Linkara: WOULD SOMEBODY JUST KILL SOMEBODY! OR BETTER YET, EVERYBODY, JUST KILL YOURSELVES!!
Linkara (v/o): No, Hippolyta throws the sword aside. However, Circe has arrived to exposit that this whole thing was never about Wonder Woman. Really? I would have never guessed that with the almost complete LACK OF HER PRESENCE IN THE COMIC! Apparently, this was all some scheme to get revenge against the gods for letting Hercules take her daughter away, or some crap like that; is anyone really paying attention at this point? She further explains that when she brought Hippolyta back to life, she was imbued with Circe's own soul.
Circe: Little did the gods know she'd be tainted. That she'd be more like me!
Linkara: Yes, that's right, kids. Free will? (scoffs and waves dismissively) Load of malarkey. You're just born evil. (becomes angry as he picks up a cane) This is my CLUE STICK!!! (he hits the camera with it a few times)
Linkara (v/o): Circe starts attacking them, but then Athena appears in the sky.
Athena: This has gone far enough.
Linkara: I've been saying that since the first issue!
Linkara (v/o): Circe, pinnacle of wisdom that she is, mocks the goddess for not doing anything to stop the war earlier. So Athena vaporizes her. Why do I get the feeling that Circe's stratagem isn't exactly going to be taught alongside Sun Tzu's "Art of War"? Wonder Woman also starts berating the goddess. Did she not just see Circe get turned into a smoldering hole in the ground? Anyway, Athena says it was time for the Amazons to face a test, one which they failed utterly.
Linkara: (writing on a paper) F... quadruple... minus.
Linkara (v/o): She mentions how Artemis and Phillipus didn't do crap and how the Amazons should be held to a higher standard, also mentioning that they're not human, which is total bullcrap but matches up with everything else this turd has said. And thus the Amazons must be punished, making them all disappear, and Themyscira suddenly shows up, floating 93 miles off the coast. (as one superhero in the assembled crowd) Um, is the comic over? Can we go home now? (normal again) Oh, but she's not done yet; now it's time to yell at everybody else. Athena, looking strangely like Bettie Page, says that none of their hands are clean.
Athena: Some of you acted rashly, endangering the lives of innocents-- and threatening to take the conflict to a new level.
Linkara (v/o): See? Even Athena admits this comic keeps reaching new lows.
Athena: Some of you attacked the rights of others-- seeing liberty as just another battlefield casualty. (the panel during this part shows someone, presumably the President, recovering in a hospital, reading the paper)
Linkara: (as the President, reading the paper) Hot damn, early retirement!
Athena: And some became so caught up with battle strategy that you worried only how to fight-- instead of how not to.
Linkara (v/o): What the Funk and Wagnall is she talking about?! Batman was supposed to just stand there and get stabbed by the Amazons instead of fighting?!
Athena: The war is over. Make the most of the peace-- before the inevitable next conflict begins.
Linkara (v/o): And so, Athena vanishes into the sky. (as Superman) So... anyone want to get a burrito or something? (normal again) By the way, final page count: out of 152 pages, Wonder Woman appears in 29. That's not even a fifth of the book! However, we're not done yet! In Olympus, Athena looks into a mystical pool, revealing that the Amazons now live among humans in secret, not knowing their past heritage. The only one who remains is Hippolyta, alone in Themyscira. But wait, what's this?! The other Greek gods are chained up, saying that this person isn't Athena?!
Linkara: Oh, my God! The secret of "Amazons Attack"! I-I mean, it could be Ares, god of war, usurping the gods in some fashion! It could be some longtime Wonder Woman foe, who makes perfect sense to have been manipulating things! (hyperventilates, then becomes excited) All right! Who is it?!
Fake Athena: Hmm. Perhaps you're right. Perhaps "justice" isn't the proper word. But you must admit... (the fake Athena is revealed to be Granny Goodness!) ...Goodness has certainly triumphed!!
Linkara: (too stunned to speak for a long time) Granny Goodness? (adjusts his glasses) Granny Goodness?! From the frigging "New Gods"?! A character that has absolutely nothing to do with the Amazons or the Greek pantheon?! But... But what does this have to do with...
(Before he can finish, the answer appears: a shot of the cover for a comic called "Countdown To Final Crisis", showing Granny Goodness; a dramatic sting is heard during this)
Linkara: (shocked beyond belief) "Countdown"? This entire event comic WAS JUST A FREAKING TIE-IN TO "COUNTDOWN"?!? (inhales sharply) YOU'VE WASTED FOUR MONTHS WORTH OF COMICS, DESTROYED WONDER WOMAN'S MYTHOS, ALL SO YOU COULD MAKE SOME STUPID TIE-IN TO ANOTHER HORRIBLE COMIC?!?!?!?! AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
(A montage begins, set the Wurzels' "Combine Harvester", as Linkara has a meltdown over the horrible revelation of it all. He is first seen sobbing; then he is seen punching the comic with his fist. Later, he clutches at his face in aggravation, before punching the comic some more, before withdrawing his hand in pain. Then he lets out a scream at the camera, punches himself in the head repeatedly, and then tries to cut his wrist with a Power Rangers toy dagger, which does not cut at all. He then punches himself one more time before picking up the bunny statue from before)
Linkara: Look at the pretty bunny! (breaks down crying) Look at the pretty bunny-y-y-y-y...!
(He then clutches his teddy bear from earlier, fires a laser blast from his magic gun into the air, and then uses it to try to cut off his wrist, but to no avail)
Linkara: Why doesn't it work?!
(Finally, he holds up the comic again, the montage and the music ended)
Linkara: THIS... COMIC... SUCKS!!! (hyperventilating) No, wait, "sucks" is too good a word for it! I only wish that somehow I could DESTROY IT UTTERLY!! MAKE IT NOT EXIST! MAKE IT–
(Suddenly, he gets interrupted by a flashing)
Linkara: I... Wait, what the–
(Suddenly, there is one more flash, and Linkara disappears! He is seen, in cartoon form, teleporting through a time warp, screaming his head off as he does so, even having to take a breath before screaming some more. Finally, he emerges from the time warp and falls into the middle of an ancient coliseum, all in cartoon form like he is)
Linkara: (getting up and clutching his head) Gah... my head... What was that?
(To his surprise, he sees a crowd cheering in the gallery)
Linkara: (clutching his hat) Sweet Steven Seagal, where am I?!
(Looking up, he sees before him Athena, who raises her hand, silencing the crowd, then addresses him)
Athena: Great reviewer of illustrated tomes, you have been chosen to fight alongside my greatest champion.
(Looking to his side, Linkara sees... Wonder Woman, who draws her sword)
Wonder Woman: Let us vanquish our foe to the depths of Hades.
(Suddenly, the floor before them cracks and then parts. Rising out of the crack is a giant version of the comic "Amazons Attack"! Smiling, Linkara pulls out his magic gun)
Linkara: What she said!
(They start charging toward the comic, and the scene freezes)
(TO BE CONTINUED?)
- The entire ending animated scene is done by Wilizin.
- Athena in the ending is voiced by ThatChickWithTheGoggles.