Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (NC)

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel
Released	January 10, 2017
Running time	25:10
Previous review	Top 11 Best Movie Sequels
Next Review	TBA
Link	http://channelawesome.com/alvin-and-the-chipmunks-the-squeakquel-nostalgia-critic/

(We fade to Nostalgia Critic at his usual spot, looking quite irritable)

NC: (grudgingly) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And welcome back again to Sequel Month.

(Again, we are treated to the "Sequel Month (the sequel)" title card: the annoyed face of the NC being flushed down a toilet)

NC: Or in this case... (grins broadly) "Squeakquel Month"? (beat) No! That is not the case! I will not give in to your rodent-based puns, you unfunny bucket of toilet leavings!

(Images of previous Chipmunks albums through the years are shown)

NC (vo): The Chipmunks are an... interesting franchise, to say the least. That is to say, they've been around for years, and nobody's really thought that much about them until their movies.

(Clips of the Chipmunk movies are shown)

NC (vo): The Chipmunk movies always pulled in a big amount every December when they were released. I guess people just saw them as an extra Christmas present in the same way your cat (a picture of a cat with a mouse in its mouth is shown) giving you a dead mouse is technically an extra Christmas present. (the mouse is replaced with a dead Simon) Though in this case, I'd accept it. People started to get pissed because these movies would keep popping up, obviously having little to no effort thrown in, and yet still make enough money that their (billboards and buses advertising the movies are shown) shit-obnoxious faces would show up all over the place!

NC: Well, you know what? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of entertainment clearly not trying and somehow getting tons of rewards for it! So you know what? I'm gonna do the same thing!

NC (vo): I'm gonna figure out the magic formula in today's movie and see how to get the same results. Because if they don't have to try, I shouldn't have to try. Something of value is finally gonna come out of these damn movies. I will be rewarded for my suffering!

NC: My soul is prepared! How's yours? Let's take a look.

(Opening footage of the... er, "squeakquel" is shown: the Chipmunks at a rock concert)

NC (vo): Okay, so it opens up with the Chipmunks at a concert called "Save the Music". (laughing) Trust me, if you want to save the music, the Chipmunks are not the band you want playing there.

(The concert is being watched on a flatscreen TV by a family in an igloo. The family dog barks and jumps at the TV, knocking it down, distorting the screen briefly)

NC: Even dogs seem to hate 'em.

NC (vo): We then see their caretaker Dave, played again by Jason Lee, reprising his role as a pair of shredded vocal cords with a human being attached.

Dave (Jason Lee): (to Alvin) You gotta share the spotlight!

Alvin (Justin Long): Dave!

Dave: It's not all about you!

NC: (scoffs) Yeah, where would Alvin ever get that idea in a band called...

(Cut to a shot of a CD cover for this band is displayed, with Alvin clearly front and center)

NC (vo): ..."Alvin and the Chipmunks"?!

NC: You know, for the longest time, I didn't they know were called...

(Cut to a clip of the concert in the movie, involving Simon and Theodore)

NC (vo): ...Simon and Theodore! I thought they were (referring to Simon) "And-The" and (referring to Theodore) "Chipmunks"!

NC: But please, continue to keep him modest!

Alvin: (to Dave) I can't hear you over the thousands of fans screaming my name!

NC (vo): This does make me realize, though, bringing back characters from a previous installment often equals success.

NC: Well, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to bring back characters from a previous review. Bring in the Aww Girls!

(The Aww Girls (played by Tamara Chambers, Heather Reusz and Aiyanna Wade) poof in)

Aww Girls: Awwwww!

NC: Come on in, ladies. If your awkward remembrance can help my fortune, all the better.

(The three of them take a seat at the table with NC)

Tamara: You got it, Critic.

Aiyanna: Setting adorable levels to eww-itating.

Heather: Let's do this.

(A giant cutout of Alvin comes loose and smacks Dave across the stage)

NC (vo): So Dave is taken out by a clumsy cardboard cutout – sounds like a metaphor for Lee's career to me – and he's left out of most of the movie.

(Dave is now in traction in a hospital)

NC: Okay, off you go.

Heather: Wait, that's it?

NC: Yeah. Apparently it's better to remind people you exist and then totally terminate you from the project.

Aiyanna: But we barely did anything.

NC: And that's what's gonna make us tons of money. (gestures) Now off you go. Off you go. Out, out. Get out. Out, out. To the couch of underused cameos!

(Sitting at the couch is Doesn't Count (played by Malcolm Ray) typing on his phone, and the Aww Girls join him)

Aiyanna: Hey, weren't you in the Spy Kids 3D review?

DC: Doesn't count.

Tamara: I hear that.

(All four of them place their heads in their hands)

NC (vo): Dave tells them they're gonna stay with their Aunt Jackie...

(Clip from Roseanne)

Jackie: It's just me and my ganja.

NC: No, not that one, though it would explain why she's seeing chipmunks.

NC (vo): No, this character is similar to (a shot of the following pops up:) Miss Miller from the cartoon, though it's not Miss Miller from the cartoon, because it means someone who made this movie would have to have actually watch the cartoon.

Aunt Jackie (Kathryn Joosten): I need a hug first.

(The Chipmunks gather around Aunt Jackie)

Alvin: Come here, you old teddy bear.

Simon (Matthew Gray Gubler): I'm not really much of a hugger.

NC: It's okay, it wasn't really that much of a joke.

NC (vo): But, okay, I'm catching on. Aunt Jackie's going to be the new caretaker, and there's, of course, going to be some comedic adjustments.

NC: Okay, then, I introduce you to Granny Tammy. Say hi, Tammy.

(Granny Tammy (played by Tamara) is sitting in a wheelchair)

Tammy: Hi, sonny, what's cooking?

NC: Oh-ho, Granny Tammy, I can tell we're gonna have a lot of quirky adventures together. Onto the next scene.

(Aunt Jackie is knocked down the stairs and then crashes into a carriage)

NC: Okay... (he presses a button and a safe drops down on Granny Tammy) This is what the people want to see, apparently.

NC (vo): Man, in literally five minutes, two of the caretakers who should have been major roles have been taken out. At this point, everyone will be dead at the 25 minute mark.

(Cut to a clip of Fawlty Towers)

Basil Fawlty: Two dead, 25 to go.

NC (vo): Instead, we get her son, Toby, played by Zachary Levi, who you may remember as (cut to shots of the following:) Chuck or as Flynn from Tangled, where he plays his biggest role as the poor man's Jimmy Fallon.

Toby (Zachary Levi): I'm not gonna be like "I know everything" and "You do this" and "You do that. I'm a dad."

NC: Okay, now I think I'm catching on. Bring in the Daww Girls!

(Heather, Tamara and Aiyanna appear again, but in different shirts)

Daww Girls: Daawww!

Aww Heather: Wait a minute! These are the exact same characters.

NC: Whaaat? No, they're not!

Aww Aiyanna: Yes, they are. They look like us, sound like us, they even have the exact same characteristics.

Aww Tamara: How can you even tell us apart?

NC: No, it's totally different. See, they have shirts of countries with no names. (a clip of Toby wearing a shirt of the U.S. is shown) You know, those obscure shirts you saw all over the place.

Daww Tamara: Look, mine's U.S.

Daww Heather: Mine's Canada.

Daww Aiyanna: And mine's so obscure, it doesn't even have a country.

Daww Heather: It's an ironic statement.

Aww Tamara: Of what?

Aww Aiyanna: That we like... irony?

NC: I'm so glad you see the brand-new comedic possibilities. Now, you three, into the studio.

Daww Tamara: Wait, what?

NC: Yeah, you're still barely in this. (the three of them protest this) Into the studio! (he pulls out a whip and cracks it at them, growling, until they go into the studio) It's so hard to make a family franchise.

(Cut to the Chipmunks hanging around in the kitchen)

NC (vo): So they partake in all sorts of "comedic gold", like singing "Stayin' Alive," except making it about cheese balls.

Alvin: (singing) Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a cheese balls man, no time to talk...

NC: (smacks the desk) Because somebody saw the comedic possibilities in that!

NC (vo): And, of course, the essential "slo-mo kicking pan to open cheese balls while holding high note for song about cheese balls". Oh, yeah, NOW that joke suddenly makes sense.

NC: You know, I'm not gonna lie, I expected more out of the director of (posters of the following:) Private Parts and The Brady Bunch Movie, but I also suspected less out of the same director of (posters of the following:) Dr. Dolittle and John Tucker Must Die. So I guess it evens out.

NC (vo): But fear not. Literally 42 seconds later, they sing ANOTHER pointless rendition of a musical hit.

(The Chipmunks are shown spinning around a blender)

Chipmunks: (singing) You spin me right round baby, right round like a record, baby, right round, right round...

NC: Mm-hmm, yeah. Why don't you just sing what it really is, guys?

"Chipmunks": Your flimsy pretext for another rendition of a classic song gone wrong...

(The Chipmunks are now hanging by their shirts on the kitchen rack)

Alvin: You know what Dave would say if he were here right now?

Simon and Theodore: ALVIIIIIN!

(Cut to a shot of Dave in the hospital)

NC (vo): I think realistically he's shouting "PAYCHEEEEECK!"

NC: Speaking of which, how are you doing over there, Aww Girls? (the Aww Girls and Doesn't Count all flip him off) That's the spirit. (Aiyanna gives him another middle finger)

NC (vo): It also looks like Toby has a cat that he talked about earlier. And look, a few scenes later, there he is!

NC: Okay, a cuddly pet side character. Always a big money maker. I give you Mr. Yama the Llama! (a llama is added into the scene with the crowd going "Aww") Let the hijinx ensue!

(The cat hisses at Toby)

Toby: I treated you good.

(NC takes his gun out and shoots the llama, blowing it into a bloody mess)

NC: Yeah, I don't follow. Why don't I just do what they're doing?

NC (vo): But the film tries to punish you further by taking the one funny element from the last film, David Cross, and suck out anything that made him enjoyable.

(We see Ian Hawke at his house, bankrupt)

Ian Hawke (David Cross): I lost everything. And it's all because of them. I will get you, Chipmunks!

NC: Again, I'm pretty sure that's an exact quote from him from Chipwrecked.

(A clip from a news report is shown titled: "David Cross calls Alvin And The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked 'the most unpleasant experience' of his career")

NC (vo): But he's not the only one who gets "chipped off" in this movie. The Chipettes enter the film in their birthday suits. (a clip from the first movie of the naked Chipmunks) How did these movies not have censor bars? (censor bars are put on the lower half of the boys)

NC: Don't you know the '90s gave cartoon animals private parts? (an image of Lola Bunny is shown in clothes, of course)

NC (vo): But what sucks most is they got some really funny voice talent behind them: (images of the following appear:) Amy Poehler, Anna Faris and Christina Applegate. These are all very funny people who were given very unfunny things to do.

Brittany (Christina Applegate): I'm Brittany, and this is my sister Eleanor.

Eleanor (Amy Poehler): And this is my sister Jeanette.

Jeanette (Anna Faris): I feel more like an Olivia or sometimes a–

Brittany: Anyway, we are the Chipettes.

NC: Ha-ha-ha-ha. I haven't seen such a wasted Anna Faris since...

(A montage of posters of many of Faris' works are shown: Scary Movie 4, Mama's Boy, Movie 43, The House Bunny, The Hot Chick, and Yogi Bear')

NC (vo): Okay, a lot, but that...

(Cut to a clip of the following...)

NC (vo): ...Keanu cameo was pretty funny.

NC (vo): What makes it even stranger is that they have almost the exact same voice as the Chipmunks. They're, I dare even say, the exact same character! Just give them the Tumblr treatment.

Eleanor: Mr. Hawke?

Ian: That voice. I can't get it out of my head.

NC (vo): This trope, of course, goes back a long ways...

(A montage of images of gender-swapped characters are shown: Scooter and Skeeter from Muppet Babies, He-Man and She-Ra, Dora and Diego, Mickey and Minnie Mouse, and Finn and Jake along with Fiona and Cake from Adventure Time)

NC (vo): ...since incorporating a gender swap of a famous character, or characters. And apparently, it still equals gold.

NC: Well, they're not the only ones who can exploit that. Chester, Doe!

(Coming into the room is Chester A. Bum and his girlfriend Doe)

Chester: Are you aware that there's three strange ladies with confusing shirts in there?

NC: Never mind that. We are going to explore Doe's backstory.

Doe: Ooh, that's exciting!

Chester: Finally the Bum mythos will be revealed.

NC: Oh, wait, wait, wait, lemme just see what they do with it in the movie.

Ian: Tell me a little something about yourselves.

Brittany: We grew up in a small town, population 300–

Ian: Fascinating, great. Impress me.

NC: Yeah, okay, I guess we don't need to know your backstory.

Chester: (he and Doe look sad) Ohhh...

NC: Come on, it's like how Baze and the blind guy [Chirrut] know each other in Rogue One. They work together. That means we immediately know everything about them.

Chester: I think that's more met each other than how they know each other.

NC: Exact same thing. All we need now is some dance numbers. Go!

Doe: Oh, uh...

(Chester and Doe dance awkwardly)

NC: Yeah, on second thought, the movie seems...

(We see the Chipmunks going to high school)

NC (vo): ...tired with that, too. Now it's about Alvin and the Chipmunks trying to blend into high school.

NC: So, um, go to school, I guess, while performing some... musical... sequences.

Doe: (smiles) I guess going to dance school could kill two birds with one stone.

NC: Well, be prepared to change your motivations on a whim! That's what makes the big bucks.

Chester: Isn't that more like how it makes the little rodent?

NC: That's good. Keep making bad jokes like that. Apparently that makes a lot of money, too.

Chester: Oh, we got a lot more of those. Come on. (Chester and Doe leave)

NC (vo): So, just as Cross is amazed at two trios of talking chipmunks came to him to start a music career, and both of them seem to look and act identical to each other...

NC: I mean, like... (an image of a star-filled night sky appears in the corner) stars fucking aligned, that's pretty amazing!

NC (vo): ...it's abandoned to see how Alvin and the gang are getting along in high school.

Theodore: Look what I can do.

(Theodore steps on a fork to make a tater tot launch into his mouth with the girls around them going aww)

Becca Kingston (Bridgit Mendler): You are Theo-dorable!

(Suddenly a gunshot is heard)

NC: Oh that's right, I forgot this movie comes with a note. (He pulls up a note that he reads off, starting with "Please Note") "Everytime certain lines from this film are uttered, an award winning playwrite shoots himself." You might wanna see how Lin-Manuel Miranda's doing.

NC (vo): But one of the jocks is jealous of their popularity.

Ryan Edwards (Kevin G. Schmidt): Girls, please. Private conference.

NC (vo): (as Becca) We will of course obey because, I don't know, chicks.

Ryan: You're dead! (He smacks at the Chipmunks)

Chipmunks: Run!