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'''FB''': But you see, we're having a two-for-one sale on pedophilia and bestiality. Buy now and we throw in necrophilia absolutely free!
'''FB''': But you see, we're having a two-for-one sale on pedophilia and bestiality. Buy now and we throw in necrophilia absolutely free!
'''Todd (VO)''': Meanwhile at JETT Records, the evil record producer from the first movie, Ian
'''Todd (VO)''': Meanwhile at JETT Records, the evil record producer from the first movie, Ian , played by David Cross, swears vengeance on the Chipmunks that ruined his career. He's apparently homeless and spends his time eating garbage from the company dumpster and fighting a rat for muffins.
'''Todd''': I feel like this is a metaphor of some kind for David Cross' participation in this franchise.
'''Todd''': I feel like this is a metaphor of some kind for David Cross' participation in this franchise.
Revision as of 17:07, 6 February 2014
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel
June 14, 2012
[We start off with Todd in the Shadows, in the light, in front of his computer]
Todd: Hmm, what to do, what to do? There doesn't seem to be any massively terrible pop songs I need to review right now. Well, I suppose I can finish off that Top 10 Worst Songs List of 19--[Suddenly his Skype alert goes off] Lupa? Lupa?
[Instead it's Film Brain]
FB: Hi, Todd!
Todd: [dejected] Oh... Hi, Matthew.
FB: So Todd, the fourth year anniversary's coming up. Do you wanna do another crossover?
Todd: Oh absolutely, I really enjoyed watching Sunday School Musical. Okay, maybe not enjoyed...
FB: Don't you wanna wait and see what movie I have planned?
Todd: No it's cool, I trust your judgement. What is it?
FB: Oh, nothing. Just [taking out the DVD of...] Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel.
Todd: [he takes out a shotgun and cocks it] Bring it on.
[Now we get to the opening of Bad Movie Beatdown while we hear Todd playing a piano version of Ready To Roll. The opening contains additional clips of Todd this time.]
[After the opening finishes, suddenly Todd busts into FB's hotel room, but without the shotgun]
Todd: Let's do this!
FB: Didn't you have...a weapon?
Todd: They would not let me take it on the plane. So, why did you pick that movie to review? Cause of its butchering of decent pop songs?
FB: [smiling] No, I just like seeing my fellow contributors in pain.
Todd: Yeah, I figured after the whole Rap Critic thing with Big Mama's House and all that. How can you stand all this crap?
FB: [steepling his hands] Because I'm insane.
Todd: Yeah, no shit. Well, let's get this over with.
[Image of Ross Bagdasarian]
Todd (VO): In 1958, struggling songwriter Ross Bagdasarian found himself a winning gimmick after discovering he could make his voice sound funny by increasing the speed of the recording. [cover of "Christmas with The Chipmunks", slowly zooming out] He built three cartoon characters to fit the high pitch: Alvin, Simon and Theodore, The Chipmunks. They were a big hit in the '50s, [brief clip of '80s TV show] a big hit again during the '80s, [brief clip of "Alvin and the Chipmunks" (2007) movie trailer] and revived one more time by a live-action movie in 2007. [clips from the first movie play] And despite a terrible marketing campaign that prominently featured a scene where Alvin eats shit, I actually didn't think that movie was that bad. It actually had a few funny jokes, had a decent running plotline about making fun of the miserable behind the scenes machinery of teen pop stardom, and it was self aware about the silliness of making a live-action Chipmunks movie. Now keep in mind there's no way it could've actually been "good", per se, but when you got the movie versions of [posters of...] Garfield, Underdog or The Smurfs to compare it to, I maintain you could do worse.
FB (VO): I agree, and I largely put this down to ex-Simpsons writer Jon Vitti being one of the writing team. I've watched it twice: once as a review candidate and once for this review before you harp on me, and it's harmless. It's not exactly great, but you could certainly do far worse. And honestly the kids loved it because it made a whopping $360 million dollars worldwide, so a sequel was inevitable.
FB: Enter [holds up DVD case] the Squeakquel, which is exactly what you think the first one would be and then some. And as someone who's watched all three Alvin and the Chipmunk movies, I can tell you that this, by far, is the worst.
Todd: You actually saw the third one? Is that even out on dvd yet?
FB: [puts down DVD] I saw it in the theater in a professional capacity.
Todd: Are you sure you're not obsessed--
FB: You shut up! I'm not obsessed with Alvin and the Chipmunks!
Todd: ...Why don't we go on to the review?
- [We start off at the Regency logo]
Todd (VO): So the movie begins...
- [Suddenly a chipmunk laugh is heard, then a guitar chord]
- Chipmunk: We're baaack!
Todd: Well that's unnerving.
FB: I think that sent a chill down every parents' spine.
FB (VO): So the movie begins at a charity festival in Paris where the Chipmunks, full-fledged pop sensations are performing to a sell out crowd.
- Chipmunks: [singing The Kinks, "You Really Got Me"] Girl, you really got me now/You got me so I don't know what I'm doing
- Girl, you really got me going/You got me so I can't sleep at night
Todd: Well that was a brutal murder of a perfectly good song. God, what did Ray Davies ever do to you, Squeakquel?
FB (VO): In fact they're so famous, they're even being broadcasted around the world.
Todd (VO): Oh look, the eskimos are watching in their igloo. That's nice, movie. Never too young to introduce the kids to embarrasingly inaccurate stereotypes, I always say.
FB (VO): Also back this time is Dave Seville, played once again by Jason Lee, wearing that pained look of someone who knows the phrase "contractual obligation" all too well. Alvin starts getting extremely into this gig, and because the chipmunks have throwing arms that would make Superman jealous, manages to get up into the scaffolding, pulling out some wiring by accident.
- [This makes a cardboard cutout of Alvin snap off and swing toward Dave]
- Alvin: Dave! Look out!
- [Dave looks and soon gets smacked across the stage by the cutout]
- Dave Seville: AAAALLLLLVIIIIINNN!! *crash*
FB: Well he's dead.
Todd: Lot of punch in that cardboard cutout. Is Dave made of styrofoam or what?
- [Dave's now in traction in a hospital bedroom]
FB (VO): That's right, Jason Lee so does not want to be in this movie that barely three minutes have passed before they start writing him out as he's stuck in a Parisian hospital bed. He tells the Chipmunks, voiced pointlessly by Justin Long, Matthew Gray Gubler and Jesse McCartney. not that you can tell, that they'll be in the care of Aunt Jackie.
- Dave: I want you guys to go home and live a normal childhood. I even made arrangements for you to go to school.
- Chipmunks: School?
FB: I think that cardboard cutout seriously injured Dave's brain. I mean these are chipmunks, not children. They should be having normal chipmunk lives. I mean for goodness sake, what do they need to go to school for? Are you training them to be the next chipmunk lawyers, chipmunk scientists?
FB (VO): And bye, Jason Lee. The Chipmunks are to be escorted out when Alvin predictably starts causing trouble.
- [Alvin jumps onto the bed remote which makes it go up and down, rocking Dave]
- Doctor: The more stress you put on Monsieur Seville, the longer it'll take him to recover!
- Alvin: You'll never take me! I'm not going anywhere without Daaa--[suddenly the doctor shoots Alvin with a tranquilizer, making him go loopy] Daydream believer and a homecoming queen. [And Alvin drops onto the bed all conked out]
- Simon: Maybe we should give him another shot.
Todd: Yeah, one more shot in that tiny body might actually kill him. Go right ahead.
FB: I mean that's not one, but two scenes where he's caused grievous bodily harm. This movie's dark, man.
FB (VO): So the Chipmunks fly back to America and this is where they meet Aunt Jackie. You know Dave, I don't think an elderly woman in a wheelchair is going to keep up with these tornadoes of destruction. Also with her is Toby, an aggravating gobshite played by that guy from Chuck. [Zachary Levi]
- Aunt Jackie: The luggage, get the luggage.
- Toby: Yeah, let me get those.
- [Toby brushes against Aunt Jackie, making her go back]
- Aunt Jackie: Toby!
- Alvin: Hit the brakes! Hit the brakes!
- Theodore: Abandon wheelchair!
- [Aunt Jackie then starts going down the stairs and then gets hit by a cart]
Todd: God, how many victims are the chipmunks gonna claim? One more and they're officially serial killers.
FB: I mean nothing says "good clean family entertainment" like two people being hospitalized in the first ten minutes.
FB (VO): So with Dave and Aunt Jackie taking permanent residence in hospitals for most of the remaining running time, it's up to Toby to take care of the Chipmunks. [sarcastic] Oh deep joy.
- Toby: You guys have nothing to worry about seriously because I'm not gonna be anything like Dave. You know, Dave's gone.
- Theodore: Gone?
- Toby: Not gone! Not "gone" gone. He's-he's-he's not dead, he's very much alive. He's completely coming back!
Todd: When he wants another paycheck.
FB: With each syllable this guy utters, the more I miss Jason Lee's unenthusiasm.
- [Alvin comes out of a cupboard with a bag of cheese balls]
- Alvin: Holla! The cheese balls are in the hizouse! [singing Bee Gees, "Stayin' Alive"] Well you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a cheese balls man, no time to talk! Staying aliiiiiiii--[he holds that note for a long time]
FB: [shutting his ears] Oh god!
Todd: [facepalming] Um, this really doesn't need a musical number.
- [Alvin jumps up to kick a pan down off the rack to pop the bag open]
- Alvin: --iiiiiiiive! Bingo!
Todd: Wouldn't that just crush the cheese balls? Two people in the hospital and the cheese balls are okay?
FB: Todd, Todd, Todd. If you've learned anything from the first ten minutes of the movie, it's that physics operates differently in the presence of talking chipmunks.
FB (VO): And from one irritating shoehorned pop song to another.
- [The Chipmunks are riding in a bowl in a blender at high speed]
- Chipmunks: [singing Dead or Alive, "You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)"] You spin me right round baby right round like a record baby right round round round.
- [The group soon gets flung across the room]
FB: Well at least it's better than the Flo Rida cover.
Todd: Hey, fun fact. Did you know that you could fit all three chipmunks in a blender? I certainly did.
- [The phone rings and Alvin and Simon answer it]
- Chipmunks: Hello?
- Dave: Boys, it's me.
- Simon: Dave!
- Alvin: Dave!
- Dave: Well since you answered the phone I guess you haven't burned down the house yet.
- Theodore: Mayday! [Theodore jumps down and lands on the handle of a pan, flinging it]
- Dave: What was that?
- Alvin: Uh, that was Aunt Jackie. Yeah, she's making us, uh, a zesty five course meal. Heh heh heh.
- Dave: Well can I talk to her?
- Theodore: She's practicing her pole dancing.
FB: Pole dancing!?
Todd: This is a kids movie, right?
- Dave: What's going on?
- Alvin: Gotta go, Dave.
- Dave: AAAALLLLVIIIIINNNN!!
Alvin: [he hangs up on Dave] Yup, nobody does that better than him.
Todd: No, actually, he's quite terrible at it. Too panicky. Watch and learn.
[We get a clip of the 50's cartoon]
- Dave: Okay, Alvin? Alvin? [Alvin's trying to open presents] ALVIN!! [that makes Alvin jump to the mike]
Todd: Note the threat of implied violence. That's how it's done.
Todd (VO): Okay, so they go to school. High school, to be precise. Hang on, even in-universe, they're obviously way younger than high schoolers, so what the hell's going on?
FB (VO): And I'm certainly not going to question Dave's judgement in sending three tiny chipmunks into a bustling school where they run the daily risk of being crushed, run over and stampeded on a daily basis for a completely pointless education.
- [Rolling down the halls on a skateboard is a kid in an Eagle mascot costume]
- Mascot: Go Eagles!
- Theodore: Eagle! [he turns tail and tries to run, but the mascot jumps over him, and then falls down a flight of stairs while the Chipmunks look on]
FB: And that's another hospital well accounted for.
Todd: I'm noticing a theme. Maybe we should just keep Alvin locked in a cage. That way no one gets killed.
FB (VO): The Chipmunks are taken to their class where the girls instantly fawn over them. Oh yeah, I forgot. They're world famous singing chipmunks, so any normality is out of the window anyway. Some jocks are none too pleased about their lady stealing powers.
- Ryan Edwards: Somebody's gonna have to knock those guys down to size.
[Todd just sighs at that statement]
FB: Okay, if you're sexually threatened by something you can carry in your back pocket, you've got some serious self confidence issues.
FB (VO): The jock bullies show what big meanies they are by chasing the Chipmunks across the school, even giving Simon a dreaded swirlie.
- Ryan: It's swirlie time!
- Simon: Oh come on guys this is so 1980's! Aaah! Please, please! [and he gets swirlied]
Todd: Just because you point out that it's an outdated cliché doesn't excuse it.
FB: Well I guess they figured the audience was so young enough that they wouldn't notice. Besides, is this really necessary? I think that toilet is enough to drown that chipmunk.
- Ryan: It's the fatty ratty. [the kids are poking at Thedore who's on a locker]
- Theodore: Cut it out!
- Ryan: This rat has serious junk in the trunk!
- Xander: Yeah, little fatty.
- [Alvin and Simon charge at the jocks as we cut to the outside of the school where the jocks are screaming]
- Ryan: Mommyyyy!
Todd: What the hell could have happened there?
FB: All I know is I'm firmly guarding my testicles.
Todd (VO): Uh-oh, now they're in trouble. But the principal is willing to cut them a deal. You see their music program is gonna be shut down unless the school wins a music competition. God that sounds familiar...
FB: I'm pretty sure there's a black Christian choir who could help you out with that.
FB (VO): It turns out the principal is also a bit of a fan.
- Dr. Rubin: I just cannot believe that you're actually sitting in my office! I have all of your CDs. I even went to see you last year in Denver!
Todd (VO): Is she flirting with them? They're her students. And rodents. This is wrong on so many levels.
FB: But you see, we're having a two-for-one sale on pedophilia and bestiality. Buy now and we throw in necrophilia absolutely free!
Todd (VO): Meanwhile at JETT Records, the evil record producer from the first movie, Ian Hawke, played by David Cross, swears vengeance on the Chipmunks that ruined his career. He's apparently homeless and spends his time eating garbage from the company dumpster and fighting a rat for muffins.
Todd: I feel like this is a metaphor of some kind for David Cross' participation in this franchise.
FB: It's like the writers thought to themselves, "How can we demean David Cross more than we already have?"
FB (VO): Somehow sneaking aboard a FedEx truck, enter the Chipettes; Brittany, Jeanette, and Eleanor, pointlessly voiced by Christina Applegate, Anna Faris and Amy Poehler, who are hit so hard by the pitch shifting you can't even tell them apart. They've come to see Ian because they think he can make them stars like Alvin and the Chipmunks. I know it's a minor point, but where on earth did Jeanette get those glasses? In the first film, Simon's glasses were actually explained, whereas here they come right out of the packet.
Todd: Are you sure you're not taking this too seriously?
FB: It's a point about laziness, okay?
Todd (VO): Ian takes them to his "office" on the roof where the Chipettes show off their skills.
- Chipettes: [singing Corinne Bailey Rae, "Put Your Records On"] Girl, put your records on/Tell me your favorite song/You go ahead, let your hair down
Todd: They're naked. This is bothering me.
FB: Thank you! I'm glad I'm not the only one. I mean I know they're chipmunks, but they're so anthropomorphic that seeing them without clothes kind of freaks me out.
Todd: Yeah, the furries might like this. I don't.
Todd (VO): To make the chipmunks not think he's a homeless loser, he breaks into a model apartment with a grand piano?
Todd: You do realize the realtor has to show up at some point, right?
FB (VO): The following day we see...the Chipmunks playing dodgeball? Whose bright idea was that?
- Alvin: Remember your five D's: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!
FB: So Justin Long is Alvin, making a reference to Dodgeball, which Justin Long was in, and...oh shit. (This meta realization has made the gamma go up!)
Todd: Oh look what you did, you made the universe divide by zero again.
- Ryan: You're next, furball!
- Alvin: You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? I'm the only one here, so you must be talkin' to me.
FB: Ah yes, a reference to that popular well-known children's movie, Taxi Driver.
Todd: Hey, how do you think it would smell if you pressed Alvin in a George Foreman grill? I'm guessing delicious. [FB's nodding with a grin] Sorry, go on.
FB (VO): It turns out that Alvin's got a good catching and throwing arm, and that the jocks actually want him for their football team.
FB: Their football team? He's 8" tall!
Todd: Let it go, man. It's Chipmunk Town.
FB (VO): And thus, Alvin becomes the most popular kid in school. Even has the pussy on demand if he wanted it. Of course if you already forgot...
Todd (VO): I did.
FB (VO): Quiet, you. The Chipmunks are joining the music competition which Ian sees in the newspaper.
Todd (VO): So this is Ian's evil plan: he's going to use the Chipettes to steal the Chipmunks' fame by entering the Chipettes into the same school where Alvin and company promptly fall for their female counterparts.
Todd: So, the school has two sets of singing chipmunks wandering around.
FB: Surely the principal wouldn't allow this considering they might be a threat to the music contest?
Todd (VO): And sure enough, Ian and his chest hair shows up to position the Chipettes as rivals to the Chipmunks in the contest.
- Brittany: [singing "Hot N Cold" by Katy Perry] You change your mind like a girl changes clothes.
- Chipettes: [singing] And you know that you're no good for me, yeeaahh! Cause you're hot and you're cold/You're yes then you're no/You're in and you're out/You're up and you're down.
- Brittany: Yeah yeah yeaaaahhh!
- [Meanwhile Ian's flailing around with lights strapped to his suit while a thought bubble saying "KILL ME" is put over him]
Todd: You notice they skipped the line about PMSing like a bitch. Hey here's a riddle everybody; What's Kidz Bop, but worse?
FB (VO): Ian convinces the principal to a public vote. Both groups will perform on Friday and whoever gets the most applause represents the school in the contest. That's if the Chipmunks can get their act together because Alvin and Simon are beginning to fall out over Alvin's popularity. This makes Theodore nervous, and he goes to sleep with Toby.
- Theodore: Can I sleep with you?
- Toby: [sleepily] Sure, okay.
- [Theodore gets under the covers, but not before Toby blasts a fart]
- Theodore: Dutch oven! Not the Dutch oven! Oh, anything but the Dutch oven! Must find fresh air before it's too late! Aah! It's too late! It burns! Ohh, mama! [he gets out of the covers and passes out]
Todd: [facepalming again] Oh good, the obligatory fart joke.
FB: [imitating a kid] Daddy, what's a Dutch oven?
Todd: Cause Dave never farted in bed. Colon like daisies, that man.
FB (VO): Speaking of Dave, the writers remembered that Jason Lee was in their movie as Toby answers Dave's call from Paris and lets slip that he's the one taking care of the kids. Dave immediately tries to get out of the hospital as soon as possible. Presumably around the point he discovered that My Name Is Earl was cancelled.
- [Dave tries to use the bed remote to lift his leg up, but pushes it too much that it lifts him off the bed]
- Dave: Nurse! Get me out of here! Help!
Todd: Okay, that one wasn't Alvin's fault, he's just an idiot.
FB (VO): There's also a completely stupid filler scene here where the jock bullies tell Simon that he's a litter monitor, and then laugh at him as he takes his nonexistant position seriously. I thought Simon was supposed to be the smart one. Surely he'd see right through this blatant prank?
Todd (VO): Well Simon gets thrown in the garbage and Alvin goes to help him, but they're pissed off at each other, especially when Alvin admits he may not be singing against the Chipettes because he has a football game at the same time.
[Todd's facepalming again]
- FB: Oh, so it's becoming High School Musical.
Todd: Okay, let me sum up the situation so far.
Todd (VO): Alvin is in conflict with the other Chipmunks, who are in conflict with the school bullies, and they're all in conflict with the guy from Chuck, as well as with the Chipettes and with David Cross, who is taking advantage of the Chipettes as well as, for the record, setting the Chipettes in conflict with each other.
Todd: Got all that? [FB shakes his head] Neither do I. What the hell is the plot of this movie?
Todd (VO): So Alvin debuts on the football field in a stupendously stupid sequence.
- Alvin: I'm taking you down, Jennifer!
- Linebacker: You're the one going down, rat face.
- Alvin: I'm gonna crack you like an acorn, and eat you for dinner. With some fava beans and a nice Chianti. [And then proceeds to flick his tongue like Hannibal Lecter]
FB: A Silence of the Lambs reference? Yeah, that's a film the kids should be aware of.
Todd: Hey, maybe they'll reenact the mangina sequence next. [Todd gives FB a creepy smile, which makes him scooch away from him]
FB (VO): They throw the ball with Alvin on it, which I'm pretty sure is cheating, but there you go. [the ball lands down on top of Alvin] Ooh, he's dead! [Of course, Alvin's alive and well] No, of course not, but he ends up scoring the winning touchdown, if you call it that, and is his usual irritating self.
Alvin: That's what I'm talkin' about! Don't hate the player, hate the game! And I love how awesome I am! Uh-huh!
FB (VO): Urge to kill rising!
Todd (VO): Did you know that thousands of small rodents are killed every year by farming combines? Just a little piece of trivia, don't know why that popped in my head.
FB (VO): At the same time during the sing-off, Alvin still hasn't arrived, and the Chipettes are up first.
- Brittany: [singing Beyonce, "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)"] All the single ladies. (All the single ladies) All the single ladies. (You put your hands up) Up in the club, just broke up, doing my own little thing. Decided to dip, now you wanna trip, cause another brother noticed me.
- Chipettes: [singing] If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it. If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it.
Todd: Oh good. Because Single Ladies wasn't enough of an annoying tuneless mess anyway, why not do it with chipmunk voices?
FB: By the way, chipmunks in sexy dresses telling me that if I like it I should put a ring on it? Do not want!
FB (VO): And because Toby is completely useless, he still hasn't found Alvin, and the Chipmunks have to forfeit, meaning the Chipettes win by default.
Todd: [sarcastic] Oh no, this is horrible. Now they won't be able...to...
FB: To see who would sing in a contest to save the school's music department.
Todd: A what?
FB: To save the school's music department.
Todd: Oh, right.
FB: Yes, don't worry about it.
FB (VO): Alvin arrives late to realize he's a bit of a prick. Worse still during the night, Theodore, feeling upset over the lack of family unity, has run away to the zoo.
Todd (VO): Whoa Matthew, you might wanna explain this for the people who haven't seen the movie.
FB (VO): Good point. In one of the numerous sub-plots competing against each other in this mess, Theodore's inexplicably become a fan of the show Meerkat Manor, hence he has ran of to join the meerkats.
FB: Well hopefully he won't get a cameo from this guy.
- [Quick clip from a Compare The Market commercial]
- Aleksandr: Simples!
Todd: What the hell was that?
FB: It's a UK thing. Trust me, they found that hilarious.
Todd: ...I'll take your word for it.
Todd (VO): At the zoo, Theodore enters what he thinks is the meerkat exhibit, but has now been changed into the birds of prey exhibit instead, even though those wild animals would easily be able to fly out of the enclosure.
Todd: And why would a talking animal want to live with a number of non-talking animals? And for that matter, can Theodore not read? And if he can't, why did he think meerkats were gonna be there in the first place?
FB: It's so he can get rid of his fear of eagles, Todd. You know, the other asinine Theodore thing we've been skipping over cause there's so much crap in this movie.
Todd: Oh yeah, right, we totally skipped that. Wow, there is a lot of shit in this.
FB: There sure is.
Todd (VO): Alvin, Simon and Toby come to the rescue--Okay, not so much in Toby's case, he's a moron--and Alvin talks to a distinctly uninterested eagle.
- Alvin: I get why you want Theodore. I do. But, I'm sorry. I can't let that happen. He's my brother. Not that you'd know that, because I've been such a big jerk lately.
Todd: You know, I don't think there's much use talking to a non-talking animal.
FB: I bet that eagle's thinking to himself, "Mmm, tasty chipmunk! Om nom nom nom!"
- Theodore: I gotcha, Alvin! [Theodore slips between the eagle's legs, stomps on it's foot to no effect, then runs with Alvin. Alvin slips through the screen, only for Theodore to get stuck.]
- Theodore: Help!
- [Alvin and Simon pull him out, then run away to the gate just as Toby finally got in]
- Toby: Guys, that was huge!
Todd: No, it really wasn't.
Todd (VO): Also the Chipettes have captured the record company's attention and got a gig opening for Britney Spears. But oh no, they'll miss the competition, and Ian threatens them if they, or more specifically Brittany, don't sing.
Todd: Are we really supposed to care about the fate of the music program?
FB: And maybe I'm misreading this, but does Ian have a thing for Brittany? Please tell me he's not after some chipmunk tail.
Todd (VO): Okay, competition's happening, got a few sub-Kidz Bop performances and for some reason, the Chipmunks are there even though they're not performing. Brittany calls Alvin, Ian's locked them in a cage.
FB: And thus concludes the Chipettes doing a mini-remake of the first film.
Todd: Oh no, if the kids don't arrive on time, they'll never be able to save the...what is it, the gym? The orphanage?
FB: Close enough.
FB (VO): So Alvin comes to the rescue on a toy motorbike, and with Simon's help, they break out of the cage and escape while Ian isn't looking. They hop onto the motorbike whilst Ian watches in horror and gives chase.
- Alvin: Don't worry! I'm gonna get a little help from my friend, Digger! Whoo!
- [Coming out of the sewer is a gopher named Digger]
- Digger: Roger that, Alvin! Whoa! Feels like I'm back at the racetrack!
Todd: Who the heck was that?
FB: That's...[he consults his notes on this] Digger, the NASCAR gopher.
Todd: Who? No. Why?
FB: Maybe it's to set up his own movie?
Todd: Did he get one?
[Todd double facepalms while FB tosses his notes in the air]
Todd (VO): Ian chases them with a toy helicopter, for some reason, and then Alvin and the Chipettes hop onto said helicopter, for some reason, they throw their helmets at Ian, forcing him to throw the plane's remote into the air which the Chipettes catch. And then the toy motorbike runs right into Ian's nuts.
FB: It wouldn't be a lowest common denominator kids movie without some testicle smashing.
Todd: I just want to point out that David Cross' memoirs are titled "I Drink For A Reason." This is the reason.
FB (VO): The two remaining Chipmunks are waiting for Alvin to return, so to stall, *fake gasp* wait, is Toby taking the stage?
Todd (VO): Okay, here's another thing we forgot to mention. The school music teacher was the guy from Chuck's crush in high school. So now he's taken the stage, confessed his love/horribly embarrassed her. Sorry we skipped over that, but trust me if you blinked, you wouldn't have missed it anyway.
- Toby: [singing badly] Ever since I met you, I want to be your guy. / But as you probably noticed, I'm...pathologically shy. / Standing on this stage right now I think I'd rather die, / so I'm just gonna start by saying...hi.
FB: Your problem isn't that you're "pathologically shy." It's that you're a stupid, filthy, jobless moron. Get off the stage!
FB (VO): Luckily Alvin and the Chipettes fly in through a conveniently open window and join up with Simon and Theodore. Together they perform this completely unrehearsed, yet completely choreographed performance of [singing it] "We Are Family." And look who's decided to show up five minutes from the end, it's Dave!
Todd (VO): And the school wins the competition, saving the music department.
Todd: And those music departments for all those other schools in the competition? Shut down.
Todd (VO): As for the Britney Spears opener, uh, well...
- [Sticking out of the curtain is a sock puppet]
- Ian: [doing bad imitations] "Hey everyone. I'm Jeanette." "And I'm Eleanor." [he comes out on stage in make-up and a dress] And I'm Brittany! And we're the Chipettes!
Todd: Poor David Cross.
FB: I bet he drinks Jack Daniels by the crate.
Todd: We should do that after we're done.
FB: You're damn right we should.
Todd (VO): So Dave's returned and everything's back to normal. Dave even adopts the Chipettes alongside the Chipmunks.
FB: So they're both adopted sisters and love interests?
- [Dave turns the light off, but Alvin turns it back on]
- Alvin: Not tired!
- Dave: Alvin, come on, it's time for bed. [he turns the light off again and Alvin turns it on again]
- Alvin: Still not tired! [Another round of off and on] More awake!
- Dave: Alvin, that's it, don't make me come over there!
- Alvin: Okay!
- [Alvin turns the light off, only for Dave to trip on a skateboard, falling down once again. Alvin turns the light on once more.]
Todd: Well that's Dave back in the hospital again.
FB: Alvin's a shit.
Todd (VO): And if you stick around during the credits you see the comeuppance for the jock bullies and David Cross being humiliated further still by being thrown into a dumpster. Again. You know, stuff they couldn't resolve in the main narrative.
Todd: And why should they? They don't care. They made a shitload of money.
FB: Almost half a billion dollars worldwide.
Todd: ...I hate people.
- [Clips of the movie play as they give the closing summary]
FB (VO): They just didn't care. The whole thing feels rushed because there are so many plot elements to throw into the mix here that it never falls into a cohesive storyline. It is a film filled with almost unparralelled annoyance. You want Alvin to die because he's so arrogant, you want to inflict pain on Zachary Levi for being so insufferable, and you want to slap some dignity into David Cross. The only wise person here is Jason Lee, who knew to sit out most of this dungheap for a borderline cameo appearance. His straight man presence is sorely missed.
Todd (VO): This was a pointless embarrassment. The first movie was sort of admirable in how it at least poked fun at the stupidity of its own premise, but the Squeakquel--god that word sounds stupider everytime you say it--the Squeakquel has no interest in doing so whatsoever. It's just as stupid, but now it's given up trying to be clever about it, and the plotting is unruly half-assed. They introduce a conflict in one scene, completely ignore it for hour long stretches, then resolve it. This sucked. Screw you, Matt. Screw you.
FB: I love you, too. I'm Matthew Buck, beating down bad movies everywhere.
Todd: And I'm Todd in the Shadows saying, come on Matt, you only did this review because you love Alvin and the--
FB: I AM NOT OBSESSED WITH ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS!!
[He tackles Todd to the floor, then we go to credits]