Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked
February 27, 2018
(Following the shortened Channel Awesome logo, a new NC opening plays for 2018. It opens with the usual shot of an explosion, resulting in the NC aiming and firing his gun, but it has been modified to show him in his bald state used now. This title sequence is different from all the rest in that it features actual opening credits (behind them, the multiple clips from all the NC reviews from 2017, small part of 2016 and the beginning of 2018 are floating), starting with the cast, backed by the characters they play: "Doug Walker" (dressed as Nostalgia Critic looking at the camera, with shots of madly laughing Devil Boner and puzzled Chester A. Bum turning around, then waving to the audience, behind him), "Malcolm Ray" (greets the audience, arms crossed, confused as he is turned back, with shots of Bill and Satan behind him), "Tamara Chambers" (looks around sadly and drinks some booze; shots of Aunt Despair and dancing Hyper Fangirl behind her), "with Rob Walker (as Santa Christ) & Jim Jarosz (as Jared Leto playing Chernabog)". Another credit is displayed: "Written by Doug Walker & Rob Walker" (with shots of Doug and Rob watching a 1999 Mummy movie, via a First Viewing video). The final credit is shown: "Intro by Fard Muhammad". Finally, there is another explosion as NC walks past holding his gun, blowing the smoke out of it and smirking to the camera, while the letters forming the title of the show float into place. Then we are shown NC, not in his usual room nor in his usual attire. Rather, he is dressed in a fancy suit with a more fancy tie. He looks slightly flustered as he looks into the camera)
NC: (low voice, quickly) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
Offscreen voice: Shh!
NC: (whispering) Sorry, I'm kind of in the middle of a wedding.
(Who is getting married? Well, it seems like it's Devil Boner! And Santa Christ is the parson. Benny the Assassin stands behind them)
SC: Marriage is what brings us here today at Alabama Kami-Con...
(The wedding is taking place in a stage area full of convention-goers, many of them dressed in cosplay costumes; they all cheer, raising their arms in the air)
SC: ...and gun shows. (Gunshots are heard) We are here to join these two beloved, Devil Boner and Hyper Fan... Where is she, anyway?
DB: Oh, she went to wait for the video to start so she could walk down the aisle. (calls out) Okay, pull puncher!
(Suddenly, to a bright, heavenly light (with a heavenly choir singing in the background), Hyper Fangirl comes down the aisle, holding two black roses and wearing a princess tiara and an orange wedding dress which has the giant "PLAY" button on her chest, made from beads. DB smiles and nods)
Benny: She looks beautiful...
DB: Yeah, instead of walking down the aisle with her father, she chose to walk with that glowy effect.
(As HFG continues on, NC can't help smiling and blinking his eyes; HFG walks up to DB, dropping her roses on the floor)
SC: Here to witness this union is Benny, Devil Boner's best man...
DB: Yeah, (looks toward Benny) but not best shot, though! (laughs, then glares at Benny briefly, who glares back)
SC: (gesturing towards NC) ...and Nostalgia Critic, Hyper Fangirl's... um...
NC: I think the term we're going with is "butler of honor".
SC: Okay, cool, whatevs. The rings, please!
(Benny holds up two rings, and DB takes them. The audience cries loudly and somewhat exaggeratedly. DB puts a skeletal ring on HFG's finger, and she puts a green ring, which looks like the Green Lantern's ring, on his finger)
Female audience member: (cosplaying as Kiki) It's so beautiful!
SC: Our dearly committed have decided to write their own vows.
DB: I want you!
HFG: I want you!
SC: Then by the power invested in me– by me, I now pronounce you psycho husband and stalker wife!
SC: You may now ki– (DB and HFG immediately kiss without waiting for SC to finish, who snaps his book shut in frustration) Well, that works, too.
(The newlyweds raise their guns in the air and fire off several rounds, while the audience jumps up and cheers wildly)
DB: (looking to audience) Hey! Seeing how this is a convention, we're already clearly liquored up. Let's just have the reception here!
SC: Peppermint Schnapps for all!
(Music starts playing, and everyone dances to it – all except NC, who looks somewhat puzzled. Later, several other characters on the show come in to pay their respects to the newlyweds. Chester A. Bum and his girlfriend Doe come up)
Doe: A blessing on your head!
Chester: Mazel tov, mazel tov!
Doe: So, how does it feel to officially be... "Hyper Boner"!
(NC looks surprised at that statement)
HFG: As excited as the name sounds! (DB nods)
Chester: Oh, that's wonderful! Now, if you'll excuse us, we're gonna see if the flowers are smokeable.
Doe: I already did!
(NC looks dumbfounded as Chester and Doe walk off, squealing with joy, and DB and HFG wave goodbye)
Chester: Oh, huzzah! This is the greatest day in my life!
(Satan walks up)
Satan: (gives a low sigh) I'll admit, I didn't think Hyper Boner was a good idea. But after seeing all of the joy displayed, it's clear that Hyper Boner's going to last a long time.
DB: Ain't it the truth.
Satan: (to Benny) Nice suit.
Benny: Back at ya.
Aunt Despair: Aw, doesn't Hyper Boner look up?
HFG: Incredibly up!
Uncle Lies: If ever anybody sees you, they'll say, "You can't keep Hyper Boner down."
DB: For years to come!
Uncle Lies: Yeah, it's about what we predicted.
(Uncle Lies and Aunt Despair walk off, as HFG and DB exchanged shocked looks)
NC: (to camera) You know, sometimes, a name can spark a lot of possibilities.
(Cut to a montage of posters for movies illustrating NC's point: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Freddy Got Fingered)
NC (vo): There's been so many films and shows that suggest something is going to be amazing just based on the title alone. Some of them work, some of them don't.
NC: And then there's movies that thought of the name first and clearly wrote around it. You know where I'm going with this...
(Cut to footage of where exactly it is that the NC is going: Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked)
NC (vo): Chipwrecked is the third in the questioning-humanity film series based on Alvin and the Chipmunks, and if you can believe it, it's not the last. By this point, it's made clear that a bad pun is literally enough to throw millions of dollars into a film shoot exploiting kids' inability to say no to shit. It's just as phoned-in and tired as you would think, but why generalize when we can go into more detail?
(Cut to NC, now in his normal getup and sitting down in his usual chair)
NC: Well, I can think of a lot of reasons, but if I'm allowed to leave a wedding earlier so I don't have to listen to any more Hyper Boner jokes, I guess I can suffer for you. This is (loses enthusiasm quickly) Chipwrecked.
(The opening titles, such as they are, are displayed)
NC (vo): The film knows parents want to go home as quickly as possible, so it jumps right into it with barely an opening at all! Which is fitting, because this is barely a movie at all.
(Dave Seville, the Chipmunks and the Chipettes go to a vacation on a cruise ship)
Brittany: (singing) Can't seem to get my mind off of you...
NC (vo): No, Jason Lee, you can't pack up and leave the franchise that easily.
(Alvin comes up to Dave)
Alvin: (to Dave) Where have you been?
Dave: Where have I been? Trying to board the ship.
NC: (as Dave) It's not easy looking older and sadder with every passing film.
(The gang is shown having fun on board of a cruise ship, starting with Alvin stealing sunscreen and spilling it on the deck)
NC (vo): So they're going on a family vacation, and...well, that's all the setup we get. We don't even know where they're sailing to.
NC: But I do know the next fourth song in their bullshit soundtrack!
(As Simon and Jeanette slip and fall by walking on the sunscreen, Alvin skates on the slippery deck perfectly as the Chipmunks' version of P!nk's "Trouble" plays in the background)
The Chipettes: (singing) I'm trouble, yeah, trouble now...
(Later, Alvin is shown speaking in a microphone on the bridge)
Alvin: This is your captain speaking.
NC (vo): I'm glad to know there's great security on the ship microphone.
NC: (as Alvin, sped up voice; "speaking in a mic") Attention, attention. The Moon landing was fake and Earth is flat. (crosses arms, smiling) Yeah. Bet you didn't know you were rooting for that kind of character, did ya?
Alvin: All kids are now allowed to play on the adults-only Serenity Deck.
(A whole bunch of little children run out on the deck with water guns, disturbing the adults)
NC (vo; as Alvin): But only the douchebag ones who exist in movies to make punchlines work.
(A crowd of people gather around the table and dance along with the Chipettes)
The Chipettes: (singing) Yeah, trouble now...
NC: (chuckles) Wow! Gotta love how invested...
(The shot zooms on the girl in a blue dress who doesn't try to look happy at all)
NC (vo): ...some of those families look. Was this Take 8 of their pretending they're excited about a table with nothing on it?
NC: No wonder they had...
(In the next shot, that girl is replaced with another one, who now jumps excitedly)
NC (vo): ...to switch out these kids mid-edit.
(Dave appears and screams into the microphone...)
NC: (as Dave) There, I did the thing. Now let me contemplate my life's mistakes.
(Inside the cabin, Dave is shown scolding Alvin as he is preparing for the dinner with the ship's captain to apologize for Alvin's behavior)
NC (vo): So Dave tries to set more rules for his rodent ruffians.
Alvin: I'll start acting like a grown-up when you start...
(Brittany, Jeanette and Eleanor come out of the bathroom, wearing towels and singing Willow Smith's "Whip My Hair", or rather...)
The Chipettes: (singing) I whip my tail back and forth, I whip my tail back and forth, I whip my tail back and forth...
NC: (not amused) Not even five minutes in, and we're on song 3. Why don't you just...
(The changing memories scene from the movie Dark City is shown along with the movie's OST's cover)
NC (vo): ...implant the soundtrack into my brain like Dark City?!
NC: You know you would if you legally could!
Brittany: This is so not fair! Not to us, and certainly not to the captain.
NC: Why the hell are you wearing towels?
NC (vo): You literally showed up in the films naked.
NC: You don't even wear pants. I follow none of this!
(After Dave leaves, Alvin puts on a white tuxedo)
Simon: Where are you going?
Alvin: To the casino.
Simon: Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
Alvin: Dave said, "We're old enough to make our own decisions."
NC: (hand on cheek) You know, I'm starting to think this whole film exists just so everybody could go on a cruise.
NC (vo; as a director): What are we shooting today? (as a producer, sounding disinterested) Um, the bed...the floor... Let some CG artists who want to work for Pixar do the rest. Casino time!
(At the casino, the Chipettes, who are now wearing party dresses, are shown in the ship's dance club, dancing to LMFAO's "Party Rock Anthem")
(Three women in yellow, green and blue dresses almost step on the Chipettes)
Girl in Blue: Ow!
Eleanor: Oh, sorry.
Girl in Green: What's she sorry for? Stepping on my friend's foot? Or her busted, tired little dance moves?
NC (vo): Ah, one of those common occurrences where the entire casino goes quiet and three grown women feel they have to show up squirrels.
NC: Have you ever casino-ed, yo? Those squirrels could be lighting fires, and nobody would look up from their hand!
(The women start dancing simultaneously to the remix of "We No Speak Americano" and "Conga". The Chipettes accept the challenge and begin dancing as well)
NC: I feel like I'm watching a dance-off...
NC (vo): ...between Happy Meal toys and the Powerpuff Whores. What the hell is going on right now?!
(Three women tap their left feet, raise their right hands and shake their heads, then flip their hairs)
NC: (as one of the girls) We call that move the "I'm a Little Teapot Seizure".
(The scene is repeated)
The Chipettes: (singing) I know you can't control yourself any longer... Come on!
(The people applaud the Chipettes while the three women leave, defeated)
NC (vo; as one of the girls): Come on. We'll do better in our dance-off against the Muppet Babies.
(During the dinner with the captain, the person in the costume of the ship's safety monitor (with the pelican costume on) walks by and bumps Dave, causing him to spill the hot gravy on his pants. Dave excuses himself and leaves to talk with the person)
NC (vo): Dave, meanwhile, has a talk with the ship's mascot, an ex-Five Nights at Freddy's character, when he reveals himself to be a familiar face.
(The person removes the duck mask...and, to Dave's shock, it's actually Ian Hawke, the antagonist from previous films. "Hallelujah Chorus" plays out)
NC: (relieved) Oh, thank God! I don't care that...
(The AV News article is shown with the headline that NC quotes)
NC (vo): ...you called filming this the most unpleasant experience of your career!
NC: That just means you understand the pain I'm sitting through!
Dave: What are you doing here?
Ian: I'm working, Dave.
NC: It's the same conversation that a David Cross fan has when he sees him in one of these films.
Dave: What are you doing here?
Ian: I'm working. Not too many record labels are interested in hiring the guy who blew it with the Chipmunks, blew it with the Chipettes, and passed on Justin Bieber.
NC: To be fair, it is hard to tell the difference between the Chipmunks and Justin Bieber. (whispers) Bieber's a little shorter.
Ian: (leaving Dave) I'll be watching you. Like a hawk! (He puts his pelican mask back on, but backwards)
NC (vo): Oh, David Cross.
NC: You're like Jesus giving Ben-Hur water. You don't fix everything, but I'm glad you're here.
(Dave returns to his cabin and discovers Theodore alone, who's watching a horror movie on TV. It features a big and hairy blue monster approaching a woman traveler in the jungle)
NC (vo): Dave sees they left Theodore alone to watch...Cookie Monster's meth meltdown, as he notices everyone has vanished.
Dave: (after turning the TV off) Alvin? Simon? Girls?
NC: (as Dave) I forgot your names like the rest of the audience, so I'll just call you Girl Alvin, Girl Simon and Girl Theodore.
(Simon, Theodore and the Chipettes are found and are brought back into the cabin)
NC (vo): He finds them in the casino and warns them that if they don't behave, he won't take them to win their possible International Music Award. (Beat) I can tell you're just as concerned about that as I am.
(The next morning, Dave, the Chipmunks and the Chipettes walk to the upper deck)
Dave: You're all lucky Captain Correlli has allowed you one more activity. Shuffleboard.
NC (vo): Yeah, by now, Jason Lee is realizing this isn't gonna be as easy as the last film, (The shot from the second movie, showing Dave in a full body cast at the hospital, is shown) where he literally slept through his performance. This time, he's gotta suffer with the rest of the-
(Dave sits on the deck chair to read the Electronic Musician magazine, but almost immediately falls asleep)
NC: (irritated) Hey, hey! Wake up, you cheater!
Alvin: Time to turn punishment into "funishment". (The others look baffled as Alvin chuckles) You get it? I took the "pun" in "punishment", and turned it into "fun", but kept the "-ishment". It's word play!
NC: It's at times like this I wish this was the boat from Speed 2 so Willem Dafoe...
(The shot of John Geiger (Dafoe) from Speed 2: Cruise Control grinning evilly is shown. A clenched fist is Photoshopped below him, holding Alvin, Simon and Theodore)
NC (vo): ...could grab them and throw them into the ocean.
NC: I can dream, but I always have to wake up in a world where this exists.
(Alvin borrows the kite from a boy and starts para-sailing on it. However, the wind starts blowing. The Chipettes and Theodore grab the rope and also fly away. Simon manages to tie the rope onto the deck chair Dave is still sleeping on)
NC (vo): Alvin goes para-sailing on a kite, and, of course, gets caught in the wind, as well as Dave's chair.
Alvin: This won't end well.
NC: The original tagline for the film.
(The movie's logo is shown with the sentence "This Won't End Well" shown below it. As Dave is sleeping, his chair is pulled across all the deck while the passengers observe this)
NC (vo; as Dave): It's okay. This happens a lot. I'm actually a terrible parent. Call DCFS.
(Simon grabs the rope, too, and the deck chair falls, awakening Dave. Realizing what's going on, Dave rushes to the hang glider to follow them, but Ian denies it. After a quarrel, both of them hold onto the glider and fall into the water)
NC (vo): David Cross gets forcibly roped in...again, a fitting metaphor...as they fall into the water, far away from where the Chipmunks fell into the water.
(The Chipettes and Simon are still holding on to the rope of the kite, which is still flying with Alvin on it. The kite is kept from floating away by Theodore lying on a donut he grabbed on the way)
Theodore: Just one bite.
Theodore: A nibble?
Simon: No nibbles.
Theodore: (sits on the donut) Maybe I can just lick the glaze?
NC: Your ass is on it. Show some dignity!
(In the distance from the Chipmunks and the Chipettes, Dave uses Ian as the raft and enlists his help to find the Chipmunks and the Chipettes. When Ian is shown in close-up, the water is suddenly green-colored and calm. In the next shot, the six chipmunks approach a deserted island and decide to stay there for the night)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Jason Lee and David Cross are...clearly not in the same water they were a second ago...as they discover an island that the Chipmunks discover as well. The Chipmunks built a fire, and...
(Everyone except Simon gathers around a campfire. Suddenly...)
Alvin: (singing) Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya...
NC: (looks at his phone) Yeah, we're a minute short of the theatrical runtime. Go ahead.
Everyone: (singing) Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya...
(Simon shrugs and grudgingly walks up to the gang, joining to the singing)
Simon: (singing) Kumbaya, my Lord...
NC: (smiling) It's funny because we hate everything now.
Everyone: (audio, singing) Oh, Lord, Kumbaya...
(As the song ends, we fade to black and go to a commercial, with the shortened version of the 2018 opening being played: the updated appearance of the title is shown after a bright flash. When we come back, we are shown Dave and Ian managing to get to the island shore)
NC (vo): So Lee and Cross make it to the island, and, as you imagine, they don't get along. Cross repeats what he told the producers of this film every day.
Ian: I'm not one of your chipmunks that you can just boss around and stuff into a cage whenever you feel like it.
(The six chipmunks are shown, their campfire now burned out, singing Destiny's Child's "Survivor")
NC (vo): Meanwhile, the Chipmunks make sure their auto-tuning still works.
Everyone: (singing) I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it...
NC: Weird theory: what if they're the deformed time-traveling rabbits...
(The screenshot from Lost's season 4 finale "There's No Place Like Home (Part 2)" is shown, showing Ben Linus saying to John Locke, "If you mean time-traveling bunnies, then yes" is shown)
NC (vo): ...from Lost and they're just trying to make their way back home?
NC: It's a weak theory, I know, but I'd much rather work on that than work on watching this!
(Alvin hands out some pieces of bark)
Brittany: It's bark.
Alvin: Yeah, for breakfast!
Theodore: (sighs) It's been forever since our last "all you can eat" buffet.
Simon: Crazy suggestion, guys...
NC: (as Simon) We eat Theodore. You know he'll eat us if we don't eat him first!
(Alvin finds a mango up a tree, but Brittany grabs it, and everybody starts fighting for the food)
NC (vo): They find a little bit of food in the jungle, and everybody chases after it.
(Alvin, Simon, Theodore, Brittany and Eleanor leap to catch Jeanette with the mango, and the image is slowed down. The "Joel Schumacher Pointless Slowmo Count" pops up with a number 7 and a ding. Then, Eleanor takes hold of the mango)
Eleanor: My precious! My precious!
NC: (frozen smile) Oh, look, Gollum says that! It's funny because Gollum says that! He says that!
(The mango slips out of Alvin's hands and hits a traveler named Zoe on the head)
NC (vo): But they come across an unexpected individual, a woman named Zoe, played by Jenny Slate.
Theodore: Don't eat us, Mr. Jungle Monster!
Zoe: I'm not a monster, I'm Zoe, and I'm...I'm clearly a girl.
NC: (as Zoe) I was on my way to be funny on Bob's Burgers, but I guess I can stop and be unfunny here.
Alvin: Alvin and the Chipmunks?
Zoe: Who and the what now?
Brittany: I'm sure you've heard of the Chipettes.
Brittany: (starts singing Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance") Rah-rah, ah-ah-ah...
Chipmunks and Chipettes: (singing) Ro-mah, ro-mah-mah / Gaga, oh-la-la...
NC: (as Zoe) Whatever. You're a food source. Kindly get on the fire.
NC (vo): So it looks like she's trapped on the island, too. For how long, you might ask? A week? Week and a half? Maybe she also fell from the cruise ship...
Zoe: Eight or nine, um, years.
Simon: Nine years?
NC: You know, what was I expecting? Logic, joy, charm out of a Chipmunk movie? Of course she's been there for nine years!
(As NC speaks, we see how Zoe lives her life on the island)
NC (vo): Why else would her skin barely be dirty, her hair permed, her clothes spotless, and she's crazy enough to talk to sports balls like Cast Away yet smart enough to make a house even George of the Jungle would call bullshit on?!
NC: Did I expect more? No. Did I get less? Somehow.
(A spider crawls on Simon's back and bites him)
NC (vo): Simon is bit by a spider and starts to go through a strange transformation in his sleep.
(At night, when everyone is asleep, Simon starts getting affected by the spider's neurotoxin, babbling in his sleep)
NC: Knowing this movie, he'll probably wake up like this.
(The clip from the 2002 Spider-Man movie is shown, with Peter Parker discovering his muscular torso in the morning, but with Simon's head Photoshopped on him)
Aunt May: (offscreen) Are you all right?
Simon: (with Peter's voice slightly pitched) I'm fine.
(Waking up by the next morning, Simon suddenly springs up, tears off his sleeves and makes a bandana out of a liana. Thus, he has no memory of being Simon and is calling himself the French adventurer named Simone)
NC (vo): Actually, believe it or not, the real change he goes through is even stranger. He wakes up as a Rambo-type adventurer who is also a smooth romantic and has a French accent.
(Simon as "Simone" is shown in various clips. Note: "Simone" is voiced by Alan Tudyk)
"Simone": (speaking with a French accent; to Alvin, coming down from above) Bonjour, my friend. / (to Theodore) Would you care to join me on my adventure? The adventure called "Life"!
(NC is confused)
NC: ...I don't get it.
NC (vo): What the hell is this referencing, hinting at, or...anything? He's like this through a good chunk of the movie, like we're supposed to understand what this is satirizing. And, I'll just be honest, I have no idea what's supposed to be funny about it. It's like someone went to a random word generator and was like...
NC: (as a writer, holding an Apple tablet) I'm literally gonna let you write Simon's character. Just give me three random words. (He taps on the tablet, and three words appear on randomwordgenerator.com...) "Rambo", "French", "horny". Okay, those last two are the same thing, (puts the tablet down) but it's Chipwrecked. What do I care?
NC (vo): As you'd imagine, the girls, particularly Jeanette, find Simon's new personality irresistible.
("Simone" and Jeanette (who is wearing skimpy clothes made from flowers at the time) get caught in the rain)
Jeanette: (as "Simone" takes her hand) What are you doing?
"Simone": What I've wanted to do since the moment I laid my eyes all over on you.
NC: (as "Simone") Deflower you. (The audience boos) No good? I got it from this Weinstein guy's pick-up book.
NC (vo): After dancing the hormones away, they come across a beautiful waterfall.
(The rain ends, and above the waterfall, two rainbows appear, which Zoe, "Simone", Theodore, Jeanette and Eleanor observe)
Theodore: Wow! Double rainbow! What does it mean?
NC: It means that joke will really be dated as soon as it's used in a Chipmunk movie.
("Simone" climbs on top of the waterfall and jumps into the water. He discovers a cave which has treasures inside)
NC (vo): Simon dives into the water and discovers a room full of gold. But he's down there for so long that everyone starts to worry about him.
Jeanette: Where are you?
(Some seconds later, "Simone" jumps out of the water and shakes it off dramatically)
NC: Ah, tension averted. Continue with your tedium.
"Simone": Maybe this will be a way to make it up. (He takes out a gold bracelet which Jeanette wears as a crown)
Zoe: Were there any other jewels, or gems, or...
"Simone": I had already been gone from my Jeanette far too long.
Theodore: Aw! (Eleanor gives him a look) What?
NC: No, what? I think he was asking what the joke for that scene was. Did anybody catch it?
"Simone": Maybe this will...
NC: No, don't rewind it. I'm fine leaving it a mystery.
(We cut back to Dave and Ian searching for the Chipmunks and the Chipettes)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Jason Lee and David Cross continue to wander through the jungle, and...wait.
NC: Let me guess. He's trying to prove how much he loves his kids, and his kids are trying to learn responsibility.
Dave: (sits down sadly) I really messed up.
NC: You don't need to show me a clip! That's always it!
(At Zoe's treehouse, meanwhile, Alvin tells Brittany how much he misses Dave)
NC (vo): It's the only thing guaranteed in these movies, outside of out-of-nowhere shitty subplot...
(At night, Zoe is shown talking to her other "friends": various sports balls with drawn faces on them)
Zoe: They found it! The rest of the treasure is mine. All mine!
(She laughs maniacally as it fades to black. NC just stares disapprobatively)
NC: So Zoe's a villain now, mmm? (Beat) I've had...bigger twist with my lemon in my Rum and Coke...with no lemon, but... Hell, let's just go with it.
(Zoe goes to the cave, but can't reach for the treasure. The following morning, Ian and Dave reunite with the Chipmunks and the Chipettes. Upon seeing an active volcano, they decide to leave the island and start building a raft. "Simone" and Jeanette try to look for some food, but "Simone" is knocked unconscious by a golf ball that Zoe threw at him)
NC (vo): When Zoe finds she can't reach the gold room herself, she decides to kidnap one of the Chipmunks to help her.
(Jeanette is chased by Zoe's rolling basketball "friend")
Jeanette: Oh, no!
(She jumps into a hole in the ground, but the basketball fits in the hole just right and traps her, the camera zooming in on its smiling face. It smashes to black to a dramatic sting. NC is weirded out and speechless)
NC: Okay. Even for this movie, (chuckles nervously) that was really weird!
NC (vo): I didn't think there was a way to make an evil basketball version of My Neighbor Totoro.
NC: Surprisingly, it hadn't crossed my mind that much, but you accomplished it, movie! Here's your trophy. (A golden cup with Jackie Chan's infamous "hands wrapped around the head" gesture and "WTF Award" caption written on it is shown next to NC)
NC (vo): The Chipmunks find Lee and Cross and build a raft together to get off the island, but...oh, no! Not only do they realize Jeanette is missing, but a volcano is about to blow! (Beat) And the Professor made a lie detector out of coconuts! (As he says that, a shot from the episode of Gilligan's Island "Lovey's Secret Admirer" is shown, with the Professor testing his lie detector on Gilligan)
NC: (massages his forehead) I think this is one of those situations where, even if you fix it, it doesn't fix it.
(Simon wakes up in front of everyone, having returned to his original personality)
NC (vo): On top of that, Simon is hit on the head with a golf ball, snapping him out of his delusion. The...movie seems to have forgotten it was a spider bite that caused him to act strange and not a bump on the head, but... (sighs) The credits are so close. Let's not slow things down.
(Dave crosses the log bridge by himself, but Alvin wants to come along)
Alvin: I'm coming with you.
Dave: Absolutely not. It's too dangerous.
Alvin: Remember I said someday I may need to disobey you? Sorry, Dave, but I gotta disobey you.
NC (vo): Um, you disobey him all the time. Absolutely nothing is being learned from this.
NC: Honestly, obeying him would be the strange thing! (It's shown that this film actually has gathered $342.7 million in box office) 342 million-dollar-grossing movie!
(Zoe ties a rope over Jeanette's waist and slowly lowers her in a treasure cave)
NC (vo): Zoe forces Jeanette to get the gold, as Jeanette reminds us that, even as jukebox musicals go, this one's still especially bad.
Jeanette: (singing Rihanna's "SOS") S.O.S., please, / Someone help me...
NC: (as Jeanette, looking up) Oh, isn't there anyone to hear my other person's singing sped up to sound like my voice?
(Dave and Alvin come to the rescue. The island begins to rumble, and Dave, Alvin and Jeanette start to run, but the latter gets held back by Zoe. Simon then joins Alvin in trying to pull Jeanette away from Zoe)
NC (vo): The others come across Zoe, though, as they try to rescue Jeanette.
(Having already crossed the log bridge, Dave takes out his Swiss Army knife)
Dave: ALVIIIIIIN! (He tosses the knife to Alvin, and the latter catches it, all in slow-mo)
NC (vo; as Dave): Take this knife that magically changes size in mid-air!
(Alvin cuts the rope with the knife, and Zoe lets go of it. Dave is left hanging from the log when it almost gives away. Zoe walks up to step on Dave's fingers)
(Suddenly for both Dave and Zoe, Ian shows up)
Ian: It's tempting to blame Dave. I know.
NC (vo; as Ian): You know, why don't the three of us sit down for a minute and really think about what our agents did to us? Like, really mull it over.
NC: (sighs) At the very least, we have David Cross' cynicism to get us through all this sappiness...
Ian: I've been there. I wish I could get back all those years I spent plotting my revenge.
NC: (shocked) No. No... (points at the camera furiously) Don't you ruin Cross, movie!
Ian: Hate, anger, regret. They're what consumed me. And they're consuming you.
NC: Don't you ruin him, movie! Don't you ruin...he was the only funny thing in any of these!
Ian: I-It's not too late to do the right thing. (Zoe realizes she has made a mistake)
NC: (cries out in despair) NOOOOOOOO!! DAVID CROSS!!!
(The clip from Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith is shown, showing the tearful Obi-Wan Kenobi leaving his former apprentice)
Obi-Wan: You were the Chosen One! You were my brother. I loved you!
Ian: ...Or not. Again, I'm good either way, so...I don't want to sway you.
NC: (abruptly stops sobbing) Okay, that was funny! That was fu... I'm willing to put up with that! You are a Cross I'm willing to bear!
(Everyone runs towards the raft and escapes the eruption)
NC (vo): They escape the last-minute color correction and... (A smoke covers the screen, and then it changes to the raft floating on the calm water) that scathing smoke, somehow, as they all sit down to think about what they've been through.
Zoe: Jeanette, I...I don't know what to say. I'm really sorry.
Jeanette: (smiling) Well, apology accepted. (Zoe smiles in return)
NC: Okay, people are way too forgiving of attempted murder in these films. Can't there be like a... (He gives himself a slap on the wrist) ...something?
Alvin: Um, Dave?
Dave: Yes, Alvin?
Alvin: I just wanted to say...
NC (vo; as Alvin): Life lesson you were trying to teach me learned. (as Dave) Parallel life lesson you were trying to teach me learned.
(Brittany and Eleanor notice a helicopter flying in the sky)
NC (vo; as Brittany): Look! Cop-out plot device wrapping up things too well!
(The gang calls the pilots for help)
Ian: It's me, Ian Hawke! Jett Records!
NC: (as a pilot, looks down) Pass. Keep flying.
(The Chipmunks and Chipettes are shown performing at the International Music Awards. Ian also starts a new career as a screenwriter by selling a screenplay about Zoe's story to Hollywood, earning him his wealth back)
NC (vo): They, of course, make it in time for the Music Awards...we never actually figure out if they win anything...I'm just assuming no, just get Cross as your agent...and the credits mercifully roll.
(The end credits start up, ending the movie)
NC: So that was Chipwrecked. It was tough to get through, and when you really think of...
(NC then is unpleasantly surprised by the appearance of the mid-credits scene)
NC: Oh, wait, we're still going? We're still going?!
(The Chipmunks, the Chipettes, and Dave are shown on a plane heading back home. A stewardess, played by Phyllis Smith, comes up to Dave holding the Chipmunks and the Chipettes' bags with their names' first letters on them)
Stewardess: I'm sorry, sir. We're gonna have to gate-check those.
Dave: Are you gonna charge me 25 bucks a bag?
NC: (slams the table, pissed off) Bullshit, man! We had a deal! You roll the credits, (does a walk with his index and middle fingers) we get to go!
(Alvin climbs on the food cart and speaks on the pilot's microphone, tricking the passengers into thinking that the aircraft's destination is Timbuktu)
NC (vo): What the hell is left to show, the Chipmunks eating shawarma?!
(Dave is about to scold Alvin, but the stewardess interrupts Dave. Alvin jumps off the cart and accidentally disengages its brake)
Stewardess: Sir, please return to your seat. We're about to take off.
Dave: But he...
NC: (as the stewardess) As an actress from an actual good CGI film, I hold superiority.
(Dave notices the cart driving towards him)
Dave: No, no, no!
(The cart hits Dave, but he manages to land on his feet)
NC (vo; as Dave): That almost killed my stuntman!
(The last shot of the movie is a plane flying up in the sky. A Photoshopped Alvin is shown falling out of the plane, screaming)
NC: And that, finally, is Chipwrecked. And I have to give them credit. It lived up to what it promised. (Beat) It felt like I was watching people thrown off a ship and slowly die.
(The clips from the movie are shown once more as NC says his final thoughts on it)
NC (vo): It's such a rushed cash-in that's not even disguising how much of a rushed cash-in it is. It has nothing for adults; what it has for kids, you could get off of a children's screensaver; it's totally devoid of charm. That is, again, for David Cross. Yeah, I have to give credit, I always enjoy seeing him in these films. Despite him clearly being above this material, he is the only one who can get a smile out of me with some of these awful lines. Aside from that, though, it's best to leave this piece of driftwood washed up on shore.
NC: And it just goes to show: you can't really turn out anything of value when your base is nothing but a bad pun.
(We cut to Devil Boner and Hyper Fangirl waving their wedding guests goodbye)
DB: Thank you, thank you. I can see Hyper Boner lasting a long time, too.
HFG: I'm really having second thoughts about this Hyper Boner thing.
DB: Big time, yeah.
HFG: I love your name, but I just don't think that it works for me.
DB: Yeah. (gets an idea) Wait a minute. What if yours wasn't the last name that changed?
HFG: What are you saying, Honeybottoms?
DB: I'm saying that from this day on, I shall be known as... (turns dramatically to the camera) Devil Fangirl.
HFG: Don't do that.
DB: (relieved) Oh, thank God. You know, I really didn't want to. Uh, I was just gonna do it to make you happy.
HFG: Let's just keep our last names.
DB: Whatever keeps you just the way you are is fine by me. (He and HFG join hands happily)
HFG: Come on! Let's consummate our marriage the way that most newlyweds do!
DB: You mean by passing out because this sucked the life out of us?!
DB: You got it!
(They instantly fall on the floor)
HFG: (offscreen) Is your ring on the wrong finger?
DB: (offscreen) I'm too tired to notice.
(And we go to the credits!)
Channel Awesome tagline - Ian: Hate, anger, regret. Those aren't just members of a girl group I once signed.