m
Tag: rte-wysiwyg
Tag: rte-wysiwyg
Line 15: Line 15:
 
}}
 
}}
   
''Nostalgia Critic looks passed out. He has a laptop on his lap to use the text-to-speech program to deliver his dialog.''
+
''On a background of vertical wooden boards, Nostalgia Critic looks passed out. He has a laptop on his lap. After a few seconds, his hands move to the keyboard and begin typing. The computer's text-to-speech program delivers his words in an electronic voice, the only dialog NC gives in the review.''
   
'''NC''': Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Well, it finally happened; I've been traumatized by the movie I just saw, a film so bad that my doctor tells me I may never speak again. What film brought me to such a speechless state? Well, let me tell you the story of a sauerkraut named Uwe Boll.
+
'''NC''': Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. ''(pause) ''Well, it finally happened: I've been traumatized by the movie I just saw, a film so bad that my doctor tells me I may never speak again. What film brought me to such a speechless state? Well, let me tell you the story of a sauerkraut named Uwe Boll.
  +
''
  +
(Pictures of Uwe Boll, film covers, and other appropriate pictures are shown are shown)''
   
 
'''NC (voiceover)''': He is being declared the new Ed Wood of the film world, a man who keeps constantly making horrible movie after horrible movie, and yet somehow keeps making money. He mostly makes video game films like ''[[House of the Dead]]'' and ''[[Bloodrayne]]''. His gimmick is that he exercices German tax loopholes, that reward his investments into the film, even if they totally bomb. So if the movie loses money, the investor got a tax right off. He's also well known for challenging his critics to a boxing match and beating the living man-shit out of them.
   
 
'''NC''': Class act. Because of his unfortunate popularity, many of my viewers have been requesting me to review one of his movies. I took a look at one of his more famous films, ''Alone in the Dark'', and am now paying the consequences. I'd love to review the movie for you, but I do not want to sound like Stephen Hawking's speaking coach. So it looks like I'm going to pass on this one unless I can find someone to review—
(Pictures of Uwe Boll are shown)
 
   
  +
''(Spoony enters from the left, much to NC's surprise)''
'''NC''' (voiceover): He is being declared as the new Ed Wood of the film world, a man who keeps constantly making horrible movie after horrible movie, and yet somehow keeps making money. He mostly makes video game films like ''[[House of the Dead]]'' and ''[[Bloodrayne]]''. His gimmick is that he excersizes German tax loopholes, that reward his investments into the film, even if they totally bomb. So if the movie loses money, the investor got a tax right off. He's also well known for challenging his critics to a boxing match and beating the living man-shit out of them.
 
 
NC: Class act. Because of his unfortunate popularity, my viewers have been requesting me to review one of his movies. I took a look at one of his most famous films, Alone in the Dark, and am now paying the consequences. I'd love to review the movie for you, but I do not want to sound like Stephen Hawking's speaking coach. So it looks like I'm going to pass on this one unless I can find someone to review--
 
 
''Spoony enters.''
 
   
 
'''Spoony''': Did someone say Uwe Boll? Man, I've wanted to take a shot at that cinematic Hitler for YEARS!
 
'''Spoony''': Did someone say Uwe Boll? Man, I've wanted to take a shot at that cinematic Hitler for YEARS!
Line 34: Line 33:
 
'''Spoony''': I'm from the future...
 
'''Spoony''': I'm from the future...
   
'''NC''': What?
+
'''NC''': What.
   
 
'''Spoony''': I'm just kidding, I... broke in.
 
'''Spoony''': I'm just kidding, I... broke in.
   
''Spoony sits down next to Critic. Critic looks relieved, but then confused.''
+
''(Spoony sits down next to Critic. Critic looks relieved, but then confused)''
   
'''NC''': Well, not that I would want to watch the movie again with you, Spoony, but I fear a film this bad would take at least three reviewers, so unless you could find someone else-
+
'''NC''': Well, not that I wouldn't want to watch the movie again with you, Spoony, but I fear a film this bad would take at least three reviewers. So unless you can find someone else—
   
''Linkara enters.''
+
''(Linkara enters from the right; Spoony barely reacts, while NC is surprised again)''
   
 
'''Linkara''': Hi, guys!
 
'''Linkara''': Hi, guys!
Line 50: Line 49:
 
'''Linkara''': I saw the Nostalgia signal in the sky...
 
'''Linkara''': I saw the Nostalgia signal in the sky...
   
''A searchlight with Critic's face on it is shown while we can hear batman TV show theme.''
+
''(A picture of a dark city with a searchlight with Critic's face on it is shown while the Batman TV show theme plays in the background)''
   
 
'''NC''': Why did I install that?
 
'''NC''': Why did I install that?
Line 56: Line 55:
 
'''Linkara''': No one should have to watch Uwe Boll alone, especially with Spoony.
 
'''Linkara''': No one should have to watch Uwe Boll alone, especially with Spoony.
   
'''Spoony''': Hey dude, check what I can make the Nostalgia Critic say.
+
'''Spoony''': Hey, dude, check what I can make the Nostalgia Critic say.
   
''Spoony types something on Critic's laptop.''
+
''(Spoony types something on Critic's laptop)''
   
 
'''NC''': I like to wear women's clothing, I like to wear women's clothing.
 
'''NC''': I like to wear women's clothing, I like to wear women's clothing.
   
''Linkara snickers and Critic pushes Spoony away.''
+
''(Linkara snickers and Critic angrily pushes Spoony away)''
   
'''NC''': Well I guess we have enough people to withstand the horrors of the Boll. So what do you say we watch Alone in the Dark, with a group in the daylight?
+
'''NC''': Well, I guess we have enough people to withstand the horrors of the Boll. So what do you say we watch Alone in the Dark, with a group in the daylight?
   
 
'''Linkara''': Sounds great!
 
'''Linkara''': Sounds great!
Line 70: Line 69:
 
'''Spoony''': Totally looking forward to it!
 
'''Spoony''': Totally looking forward to it!
   
'''NC''': Goody.
+
'''NC''': ''(grimacing) ''Goody.
   
 
''(The title card for The Three Shmuckheads comes in with The Three Stooges theme song. Then the Alone in the Dark title screen comes up and the movie begins)''
   
 
'''Linkara (voiceover)''': So, we start off with an opening text scroll explaining the background of the story.
''The title card for The Three Shmuckheads comes in with The Three Stooges theme song. Then Alone in the Dark title screen comes up and the movie begins.''
 
   
 
'''Narrator''': Mine workers discovered the first remnants of a long-lost Native American civilization - The Abkani. The Abkani believed there are two worlds on this planet. A world of light and a world of darkness.
'''Linkara '''(voiceover): So, we start off with an opening text scroll explaining the background of the story.
 
   
 
'''Spoony''' '''(voiceover)''': The Abkani were kinda stupid that way.
'''Narrator''': Mine workers discovered the first remnants of the long-lost Native American civilization - The Abkani. The Abkani believed there are two worlds on this planet. A world of light and a world of darkness.
 
   
 
'''Narrator''': The Abkani opened a gate between these worlds...The Abkani mysteriously vanished from the Earth.
'''Spoony''' (voiceover): The Abkani were kinda stupid that way.
 
   
  +
'''NC''' '''(voiceover)''': They never think to look under the fridge.
'''Narrator''' (continues): The Abkani opened a gate between these worlds...The Abkani mysteriously vanished from the Earth.
 
   
'''NC''' (voiceover): They never think to look under the fridge.
+
'''Narrator''': Only a few artifacts remained, hidden in the world's—
   
  +
''(All three look exasperated)''
'''Narrator''' (continues): Only a few artifacts remained, hidden in the world's-
 
   
 
'''Linkara''': Good god, how long is this?
 
'''Linkara''': Good god, how long is this?
Line 91: Line 91:
 
'''Spoony''': It's like Alone in the Dark: The Audio Book.
 
'''Spoony''': It's like Alone in the Dark: The Audio Book.
   
'''Narrator''': Bureau 713 began collecting Abkani artifacts. When the government-
+
'''Narrator''': Bureau 713 began collecting Abkani artifacts. When the government—
   
''When is seems tha the narration is over, to the three reviewers' disappointment, we can see more bunch of texts are scrolling up.''
+
''(When is seems tha the narration is over, to the three reviewers' disappointment, we can see more bunch of texts are scrolling up)''
   
 
'''All three''': AUGH!!
 
'''All three''': AUGH!!
Line 99: Line 99:
 
'''Linkara''': How much text is in this movie!?
 
'''Linkara''': How much text is in this movie!?
   
'''Spoony''': This isn't a bill for Health Care! Let's get to the feakin' action already!
+
'''Spoony''': This isn't a bill for Health Care! Let's get to the freakin' action already!
   
'''Narrator '''(still continues): There, he conducted savage experiments on orphaned children-
+
'''Narrator''': There, he conducted savage experiments on orphaned children—
   
''Spoony and Linkara sings to the tune of the Star Wars main theme.''
+
''(Spoony and Linkara sing to the tune of the Star Wars main theme)''
   
'''Spoony and Linkara''': Boooring! This is so boooring! This is so boooring! Get to the show!
+
'''Spoony and Linkara (voiceover)''': Boooring! This is so boooring! This is so boooring! Get to the show!
   
'''Narrator''' (still continuing): Hudgens victims survived as "sleepers" - lost souls awaiting the moment of their calling.
+
'''Narrator''': Hudgens' victims survived as "sleepers" - lost souls awaiting the moment of their calling.
   
''The narration finally finishes.''
+
''(The narration finally finishes)''
   
 
'''NC''': Wait, I missed something. Could you start it again?
 
'''NC''': Wait, I missed something. Could you start it again?
   
  +
'''Spoony''': ''(at the same time as Linkara) ''No! We don't need to see any more of that, no!
''Linkara and Spoony protest.''
 
   
  +
'''Linkara''': ''(at the same time as Spoony) ''No! No no no no no, don't you dare! No!
'''Spoony''' (voiceover): So I guess 22 years ''before'' that onslaught of rambling text, there was a sweet, innocent, old nun, who ran a lovely little orphanage, where she sold her children to the most adorable science experiments.
 
  +
 
'''Spoony (voiceover)''': So I guess 22 years ''before'' that onslaught of rambling text, there was a sweet, innocent, old nun, who ran a lovely little orphanage, where she sold her children to the most ''adorable'' science experiments!
   
 
'''Linkara''' (voiceover): Wait, what?
 
'''Linkara''' (voiceover): Wait, what?
Line 125: Line 127:
 
'''NC''': Wow, James Lipton have found a way to become even hammier.
 
'''NC''': Wow, James Lipton have found a way to become even hammier.
   
'''Spoony''' (voiceover): So one of the kids escapes from one of the evil experiments and hides in the safest place he can think off: a high voltage electricity box!
+
'''Spoony (voiceover)''': So one of the kids escapes from one of the evil experiments and hides in the safest place he can think off: a high voltage electricity box!
   
'''Linkara''' (voiceover): But, it's okay. He's saved by a flash-foward to the future.
+
'''Linkara''' '''(voiceover)''': But, it's okay. He's saved by a flash-foward to the future.
   
 
'''NC''' '''(voiceover)''': Oh no! He grew up into Christian Slater!
 
'''NC''' (voiceover): Oh no! He grew up into Christian Slater!
 
   
 
'''The boy next to Slater''': Did you have a nightmare? My mommy says that there's nothing to be afraid of in the dark.
 
'''The boy next to Slater''': Did you have a nightmare? My mommy says that there's nothing to be afraid of in the dark.
   
'''Linkara''' (mocking the boy): My mommy also says I should pick an accent before I act.
+
'''Linkara''' '''(mocking the boy)''': My mommy also says I should pick an accent before I act.
   
'''Linkara''' (voiceover): This is Edward, our main character, who makes his living as a proffesional monologer.
+
'''Linkara''' '''(voiceover)''': This is Edward, our main character, who makes his living as a proffesional monologer.
   
'''Edward''': My name is Edward Carnby, and I'm here to protect you from the things you don't believe. You see, there's a world around you that you trained yourself not to see. So, maybe you're thinking I'm an asshole for scaring that kid for no reason.
+
'''Edward''': My name is Edward Carnby, and I'm here to protect you from the things you don't believe. You see, there's a world around you that you've trained yourself not to see. So, maybe you're thinking I'm an asshole for scaring that kid for no reason.
   
'''Spoony''' (voiceover): No, we think you're an asshole for a lot of other reasons.
+
'''Spoony''' '''(voiceover)''': No, we think you're an asshole for a lot of other reasons.
   
'''Edward''': When I was 10 I lost my memory, gone, erased. You don't have to believe me.
+
'''Edward''': When I was 10, I lost my memory. Gone, erased. You don't have to believe me.
   
'''Linkara & Spoony''': Why start now?
+
'''Linkara & Spoony (voiceover)''': Why start now?
   
 
'''Taxi Driver''': What do you do?
 
'''Taxi Driver''': What do you do?
Line 150: Line 151:
 
'''Edward''': I'm a paranormal investigator. I hunt and track down the strange and unusual.
 
'''Edward''': I'm a paranormal investigator. I hunt and track down the strange and unusual.
   
'''NC''' (voiceover): I think his performance in The Wizard is an upgrade compared to this.
+
'''NC (voiceover)''': I think his performance in ''[[The Wizard]]'' is an upgrade compared to this.
   
'''Edward''': The cab has followed since we left the airport.
+
'''Edward''': The cab has been following since we left the airport.
   
 
'''Taxi Driver''': You want me to lose him?
 
'''Taxi Driver''': You want me to lose him?
Line 158: Line 159:
 
'''Edward''': I wouldn't mind.
 
'''Edward''': I wouldn't mind.
   
''Suddenly, out of nowhere, a chase scene begins.''
+
''(Suddenly, out of nowhere, a chase scene begins)''
   
 
'''Taxi Driver''': Shit!
 
'''Taxi Driver''': Shit!
   
'''Spoony''': Be careful! Jesse Ventura has been known to kill people!
+
'''Spoony (voiceover)''': Be careful! Jesse Ventura has been known to kill people!
   
'''NC''' (voiceover): So, they have themselves a little car chase until the Ventura douche nails them in a corner. Slater tells the cab driver not to move.
+
'''NC (voiceover)''': So, they have themselves a little car chase until the Ventura douche nails them in a corner. Slater tells the cab driver not to move.
   
 
'''Edward''': Stay down!
 
'''Edward''': Stay down!
   
'''Spoony''' (voiceover): So long, rare white cab driver guy!
+
'''Spoony (voiceover)''': So long, rare white cab driver guy!
   
''The cab crashes''.
+
''(the cab crashes)''
   
'''NC''' (voiceover): You know, for protecting us from the things we don't believe in, he really sucks at it.
+
'''NC''' '''(voiceover)''': You know, for protecting us from the things we don't believe in, he really sucks at it.
   
'''Linkara''' (voiceover): So, rather than just attacking the guy, he climbs up a fence, walks over a bridge, and ''then'' attacks the guy. I guess he figured he could use the exercise.
+
'''Linkara''' '''(voiceover)''': So, rather than just attacking the guy, he climbs up a fence, walks over a bridge, and ''then'' attacks the guy. I guess he figured he could use the exercise.
   
''Slater kicks the guy through a window, then the guy breaks through the door.''
+
''(Slater kicks the guy through a window, then the guy breaks through the door)''
   
'''Linkara''' (voiceover): You know, you don't have to beat up the door, pal. You could've just as easily gone through the window you just smashed through. And here he is crashing through another window. What is with this guy and his fear of doors. Did a door kill his family?
+
'''Linkara''' '''(voiceover)''': You know, you don't have to beat up the door, pal. You could've just as easily gone through the window you just smashed through. And here he's crashing through another window! What is with this guy and his fear of doors?! Did a door kill his family?
   
The guy steals an item from Edward's coat. Edward performs a spinning kick in the air right after laying on the ground ,'' to kick it out of his hand, which the guys laugh at.''
+
(''The guy steals an item from Edward's coat. Edward performs a spinning kick in the air right after laying on the ground, to kick it out of his hand, which the guys laugh at)''
   
 
'''Spoony''': What's with the physically impossible Street Fighter move?!
 
'''Spoony''': What's with the physically impossible Street Fighter move?!
   
The scene plays again, with a dubbed voice saying, "Sonic Boom"
+
''(the scene plays again, with a dubbed voice saying, "Sonic Boom")''
   
 
'''Spoony''': Nobody can levitate a kick like that from off the ground.
 
'''Spoony''': Nobody can levitate a kick like that from off the ground.
   
'''Linkara''': Unless of course that man was...
+
'''Linkara''': Unless, of course, the man was...
   
''Critic looks at Linkara, then Spoony. Then everyone leans forward to the camera''
+
''(Critic looks at Linkara, then Spoony. Then everyone leans forward to the camera)''
   
 
'''All three''': [[NCgags|Chuck Norris!]]
 
'''All three''': [[NCgags|Chuck Norris!]]
   
A photograph of Chuck Norris against a firework background is shown and someone exclaims his name in a high-pitched voice.
+
''(A photograph of Chuck Norris against a firework background is shown and someone exclaims his name in a high-pitched voice)''
   
'''Spoony''' (voiceover): So Slater tries to shoot the guy, but it turns out that bullets are just like milk duds being thrown at him.
+
'''Spoony''' '''(voiceover)''': So Slater tries to shoot the guy, but it turns out that bullets are just like milk duds being thrown at him.
   
The guy chases Edward down the street as Edward shoots some more at him.
+
''(The guy chases Edward down the street as Edward shoots some more at him)''
   
'''Linkara''' (voiceover): Yeah, because it worked so well in the first time!
+
'''Linkara''' '''(voiceover)''': ''(sarcastically) ''Yeah, because it worked so well in the first time!
   
''The guy make Edward unable to move; however, Edward spots a sharp small metal stick and throws the guy towards it. The guy is killed with the stick penetrating him. Three reviewers seem confused.''
+
''(The guy make Edward unable to move; however, Edward spots a sharp small metal stick and throws the guy towards it. The guy is killed with the stick penetrating him. Three reviewers seem confused.)''
   
 
'''Spoony''': So, wait a minute. Knocking him senseless does nothing, shooting him does nothing, but him falling on a sharp pointy stick that just happens to be laying on the ground is what kills him. That makes no sense!
 
'''Spoony''': So, wait a minute. Knocking him senseless does nothing, shooting him does nothing, but him falling on a sharp pointy stick that just happens to be laying on the ground is what kills him. That makes no sense!
Line 208: Line 209:
 
'''Linkara''': Unless of course that man was...
 
'''Linkara''': Unless of course that man was...
   
''Critic looks at Linkara, then Spoony. Then everyone leans forward to the camera.''
+
''(Critic looks at Linkara, then Spoony. Then everyone leans forward to the camera)''
   
'''All three''': Chuck Norris?
+
'''All three''': Chuck Norris!
   
''Chuck Norris joke is about to appear, but it stops quickly.''
+
''(Same image and audio as before comes up, but the three cut it off)''
   
 
'''All three''': No, no. No. No.
 
'''All three''': No, no. No. No.

Revision as of 03:56, 7 April 2016

Alone in the Dark

Alone in the dark.jpg

Date Aired
September 8th, 2009
Running Time
19:41
Website
Previous review
Next review


On a background of vertical wooden boards, Nostalgia Critic looks passed out. He has a laptop on his lap. After a few seconds, his hands move to the keyboard and begin typing. The computer's text-to-speech program delivers his words in an electronic voice, the only dialog NC gives in the review.

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. (pause) Well, it finally happened: I've been traumatized by the movie I just saw, a film so bad that my doctor tells me I may never speak again. What film brought me to such a speechless state? Well, let me tell you the story of a sauerkraut named Uwe Boll. (Pictures of Uwe Boll, film covers, and other appropriate pictures are shown are shown)

NC (voiceover): He is being declared the new Ed Wood of the film world, a man who keeps constantly making horrible movie after horrible movie, and yet somehow keeps making money. He mostly makes video game films like House of the Dead and Bloodrayne. His gimmick is that he exercices German tax loopholes, that reward his investments into the film, even if they totally bomb. So if the movie loses money, the investor got a tax right off. He's also well known for challenging his critics to a boxing match and beating the living man-shit out of them.

NC: Class act. Because of his unfortunate popularity, many of my viewers have been requesting me to review one of his movies. I took a look at one of his more famous films, Alone in the Dark, and am now paying the consequences. I'd love to review the movie for you, but I do not want to sound like Stephen Hawking's speaking coach. So it looks like I'm going to pass on this one unless I can find someone to review—

(Spoony enters from the left, much to NC's surprise)

Spoony: Did someone say Uwe Boll? Man, I've wanted to take a shot at that cinematic Hitler for YEARS!

NC: How did you get in here?

Spoony: I'm from the future...

NC: What.

Spoony: I'm just kidding, I... broke in.

(Spoony sits down next to Critic. Critic looks relieved, but then confused)

NC: Well, not that I wouldn't want to watch the movie again with you, Spoony, but I fear a film this bad would take at least three reviewers. So unless you can find someone else—

(Linkara enters from the right; Spoony barely reacts, while NC is surprised again)

Linkara: Hi, guys!

NC: Oh, Jesus, no...

Linkara: I saw the Nostalgia signal in the sky...

(A picture of a dark city with a searchlight with Critic's face on it is shown while the Batman TV show theme plays in the background)

NC: Why did I install that?

Linkara: No one should have to watch Uwe Boll alone, especially with Spoony.

Spoony: Hey, dude, check what I can make the Nostalgia Critic say.

(Spoony types something on Critic's laptop)

NC: I like to wear women's clothing, I like to wear women's clothing.

(Linkara snickers and Critic angrily pushes Spoony away)

NC: Well, I guess we have enough people to withstand the horrors of the Boll. So what do you say we watch Alone in the Dark, with a group in the daylight?

Linkara: Sounds great!

Spoony: Totally looking forward to it!

NC: (grimacing) Goody.

(The title card for The Three Shmuckheads comes in with The Three Stooges theme song. Then the Alone in the Dark title screen comes up and the movie begins)

Linkara (voiceover): So, we start off with an opening text scroll explaining the background of the story.

Narrator: Mine workers discovered the first remnants of a long-lost Native American civilization - The Abkani. The Abkani believed there are two worlds on this planet. A world of light and a world of darkness.

Spoony (voiceover): The Abkani were kinda stupid that way.

Narrator: The Abkani opened a gate between these worlds...The Abkani mysteriously vanished from the Earth.

NC (voiceover): They never think to look under the fridge.

Narrator: Only a few artifacts remained, hidden in the world's—

(All three look exasperated)

Linkara: Good god, how long is this?

Spoony: It's like Alone in the Dark: The Audio Book.

Narrator: Bureau 713 began collecting Abkani artifacts. When the government—

(When is seems tha the narration is over, to the three reviewers' disappointment, we can see more bunch of texts are scrolling up)

All three: AUGH!!

Linkara: How much text is in this movie!?

Spoony: This isn't a bill for Health Care! Let's get to the freakin' action already!

Narrator: There, he conducted savage experiments on orphaned children—

(Spoony and Linkara sing to the tune of the Star Wars main theme)

Spoony and Linkara (voiceover): Boooring! This is so boooring! This is so boooring! Get to the show!

Narrator: Hudgens' victims survived as "sleepers" - lost souls awaiting the moment of their calling.

(The narration finally finishes)

NC: Wait, I missed something. Could you start it again?

Spoony(at the same time as Linkara) No! We don't need to see any more of that, no!

Linkara: (at the same time as Spoony) No! No no no no no, don't you dare! No!

Spoony (voiceover): So I guess 22 years before that onslaught of rambling text, there was a sweet, innocent, old nun, who ran a lovely little orphanage, where she sold her children to the most adorable science experiments!

Linkara (voiceover): Wait, what?

Sister Clara: The children are my responsibility.

Agent: We've been through this before. These children have been specially selected. It's not about a few children. It's about the future of our species.

NC: Wow, James Lipton have found a way to become even hammier.

Spoony (voiceover): So one of the kids escapes from one of the evil experiments and hides in the safest place he can think off: a high voltage electricity box!

Linkara (voiceover): But, it's okay. He's saved by a flash-foward to the future.

NC (voiceover): Oh no! He grew up into Christian Slater!

The boy next to Slater: Did you have a nightmare? My mommy says that there's nothing to be afraid of in the dark.

Linkara (mocking the boy): My mommy also says I should pick an accent before I act.

Linkara (voiceover): This is Edward, our main character, who makes his living as a proffesional monologer.

Edward: My name is Edward Carnby, and I'm here to protect you from the things you don't believe. You see, there's a world around you that you've trained yourself not to see. So, maybe you're thinking I'm an asshole for scaring that kid for no reason.

Spoony (voiceover): No, we think you're an asshole for a lot of other reasons.

Edward: When I was 10, I lost my memory. Gone, erased. You don't have to believe me.

Linkara & Spoony (voiceover): Why start now?

Taxi Driver: What do you do?

Edward: I'm a paranormal investigator. I hunt and track down the strange and unusual.

NC (voiceover): I think his performance in The Wizard is an upgrade compared to this.

Edward: The cab has been following since we left the airport.

Taxi Driver: You want me to lose him?

Edward: I wouldn't mind.

(Suddenly, out of nowhere, a chase scene begins)

Taxi Driver: Shit!

Spoony (voiceover): Be careful! Jesse Ventura has been known to kill people!

NC (voiceover): So, they have themselves a little car chase until the Ventura douche nails them in a corner. Slater tells the cab driver not to move.

Edward: Stay down!

Spoony (voiceover): So long, rare white cab driver guy!

(the cab crashes)

NC (voiceover): You know, for protecting us from the things we don't believe in, he really sucks at it.

Linkara (voiceover): So, rather than just attacking the guy, he climbs up a fence, walks over a bridge, and then attacks the guy. I guess he figured he could use the exercise.

(Slater kicks the guy through a window, then the guy breaks through the door)

Linkara (voiceover): You know, you don't have to beat up the door, pal. You could've just as easily gone through the window you just smashed through. And here he's crashing through another window! What is with this guy and his fear of doors?! Did a door kill his family?

(The guy steals an item from Edward's coat. Edward performs a spinning kick in the air right after laying on the ground, to kick it out of his hand, which the guys laugh at)

Spoony: What's with the physically impossible Street Fighter move?!

(the scene plays again, with a dubbed voice saying, "Sonic Boom")

Spoony: Nobody can levitate a kick like that from off the ground.

Linkara: Unless, of course, the man was...

(Critic looks at Linkara, then Spoony. Then everyone leans forward to the camera)

All three: Chuck Norris!

(A photograph of Chuck Norris against a firework background is shown and someone exclaims his name in a high-pitched voice)

Spoony (voiceover): So Slater tries to shoot the guy, but it turns out that bullets are just like milk duds being thrown at him.

(The guy chases Edward down the street as Edward shoots some more at him)

Linkara (voiceover): (sarcastically) Yeah, because it worked so well in the first time!

(The guy make Edward unable to move; however, Edward spots a sharp small metal stick and throws the guy towards it. The guy is killed with the stick penetrating him. Three reviewers seem confused.)

Spoony: So, wait a minute. Knocking him senseless does nothing, shooting him does nothing, but him falling on a sharp pointy stick that just happens to be laying on the ground is what kills him. That makes no sense!

Linkara: Unless of course that man was...

(Critic looks at Linkara, then Spoony. Then everyone leans forward to the camera)

All three: Chuck Norris!

(Same image and audio as before comes up, but the three cut it off)

All three: No, no. No. No.

NC: That makes no sense.

Spoony (voiceover): So we cut to a scientist, Aline, palyed by Tara Reid. How do we know she's a scientist? Because she has glasses, of course! And as we all know, any woman who has glasses is either a scientist or adventurous librarian.

Sppony: Since wearing glasses makes look them any smarter!

Critic and Linkara, who are both wearing glasses, glare at Spoony.

Spoony: I need glasses.


Aline: It's probably for the big Abkani show.

Security guard #1: Abkani? What the hell is Abkani?

Security guard #2 (sighing): It's an ancient Native American civilization!

Spoony (mimicking Valley Girl accent): Ok, yeah! Don't you know that like, everyone knows about the Abkani tribe!

Linkara (mimicking Valley Girl accent): It was all over MTV news last week!

NC: For sure.

Linkara (voiceover): We see Slater trying to walk away from the plot, when he has a sudden suspicion like he's being followed.

The camera rotates quickly from Edward's perspective while a frightening music can be heard.

Linkara (voiceover): AND....! He's not.

Spoony (voiceover): Huh! You know, from the way they are shooting I could have sworn he was followed!

Linkara (voiceover): Nope! He's just walking home, with no conflicting obstacles whatsoever.

Spoony (voiceover): Huh! That is pointless, really.

Linkara: Yeah.

NC: So it turns out a paranormal agent makes pretty good money, as he lives in like what looks like a mix between a garage and a furniture show room.

Spoony: So he looks at his archaeological decoder ring to see if they can find any clues as to what it translates out to.

In Edward's computer screen, green words appear which read: Be sure to drink your ovaltine.

Ralphie: Son of a bitch!

Linkara: We then cut to a ship in the middle of the sea where professor Lionel Hudgens and Gordon Fisherman here make a incredible discovery. A box made of a 100% pure gold.

Fisherman: Whatever's inside must be worth a fortune.

Professor: Oh, you have no idea.

Linkara (voiceover): But before he can say "Hands off me booty!", the sailors lock the professor in a room and try to steal the box away, opening it up and releasing a horrible creature.

As soon as the sailors open the box, growling of a monster can be heard. We cut to Edward who is investigating the ring. The ring shines and Edward seems to feel a sudden pain.

Linkara (voiceover, mimicking Slator): Oh no! My, acting, is, going, Shatner!

Ordinary people in the city is seen walking out of the frame.

Linkara (voiceover): For some reason everyone decides to... just walk off the movie! I mean, jeez, I know Uwe Boll is a horrible director, but to have all the actors just walk off the movie at the same time, that's pretty bad.

Spoony (voiceover): So the professor opens up the door that was just... locked a second ago to find the entire crew have been murdered! This gets the attention of The Agency for Paranormal Investigations Bureau 713, filled with the most attractive people that GQ can afford.

Agent: There's no malfunction, sir.

Cmdr. Richard Burke: Jesus Christ.

NC: Hey look. It's that guy who consistently almost has a career!

Linkara: Stephen Dorff?

NC: Yes.


Linkara (voiceover): So Slater makes his way back to the his old orphanage in hopes of figuring out the secret to his past, and the fact some of his old friends are disappearing.

We cut to Edward visiting the nun. The nun walks out of the orphanage and walk together with Edward in front of the orphanage.

Nun: It's happening again.

Edward: I need your help. I wanna find the others.

Nun: I'll get their files.

The nun goes back into the orphanage.

Linkara (voiceover, mimicking the nun): So let's go back to where we just came.

NC (voiceover): Walking at its best, folks.

We cut to Edward in his house investigating.

Linkara (voiceover): What? We're back here?

Linkara: This movie jumps around more than a Mexican jumping bean, on a grasshopper, on a Jack rabbit, on a pogo stick!

Critic and Spoony looks at Linkara confusedly.

Linkara: This movie sucks!

Critic and Spoony nod in agreement. We cut again to another place: Edward is in cafe seat.

Spoony (voiceover): So he talks to a pal to figure out is there anything that all the people disappearing recently have in common.

Edwar's pal: I, uh, I tracked down the three you asked me about.

NC (voiceover): Even you are showing him four, you moron.

Edward's pal: Nothing much in common except they all grew up the same orphanage.

Spoony (voiceover): Oh, IS THAT ALL? Just the same orphanage? It's like saying "Oh, they have nothing in common, except for like, that one huge thing they have in common!"

Linkara (voiceover): So because this movie can't stand for two seconds he goes to another location: the museum where the archaeological hottie works.

Aline runs to Edward and hugs him.

Aline: Edward!

Edward: I missed you.

Aline slaps Edward in the face.

Aline: I thought you were dead, you asshole!


NC: We loves Edward, we loves him so much! No. We hates Edward, we hates him with all our-!

Spoony: No, no, no, seriously Critic. It does not work unless you actually have the Gollum's voice.

Critic seems disappointed and depressed.

NC: My precious?

Spoony: No, no, honey. It's okay. Just.. just..

Spoony closes Critic's laptop.

Spoony (voiceover): So Aline analyses the artifact and comes with some baffling conclusions.

Aline: The thing is they're all from different locations: Venezuela, Newfoundland, Alaska... and now this one from Chile.

Edward: Burying them at the ends of the earth.

Aline: Yeah. But why? If you want someone to build a puzzle why would you hide the pieces so far apart?

All three reviewers: Because it's a puzzle, you dummy! It's supposed to be hard to solve!

Linkara (voiceover): Things look bad when suddenly the lights in the museum starts flickering on and off, and it probably doesn't help the security guard who has just two days left before the retirement.

Spoony (voicover): Yeah. Flickering lights. Uwe Boll is actually trying to scare us with flickering light. All that's missing is a guy in a microphone trying to make scary sound effects.

Linkara and Spoony (voiceover, making scary sounds): Whooooo! Aaaoooo! Wheeeeeeee! Whoooooo! Eeeeeeew! Look out for the flickering lights! Ooooo!

Monster appears and stabs the security guard in the head with it's claws.

Linkara (voiceover, mimicking security guard): Remember me, as a brilliant security guard!

Spoony (voiceover): So Edward and Aline see and beast and try their best to get away from it.

NC (voiceover): ZUUUUL, MOTHERFUCKER. ZUUUUL!

Spoony (voiceover): Oh, yeah. and trap yourself inside the building, don't run out of the building or into the streets where someone can help you? This makes much more sense.

Linkara (voiceover): But thankfully Stephen Dorff and friends come in to try and save the day, and of course, be an ignorant jackass as well.

Cmdr. Richard Burke: Got a little soft since you left 713? Why are you still here?

Edward: I just got my ass chased around this goddamn museum by something I couldn't see. I want to know what 713 knows about it!

Cmdr. Richard Burke: You're not in 713 anymore. Okay? That information is classified. That means it's none of your fucking business!

Linkara (imitating Rorschach from Watchmen): What about the business of that little girl?

Cmdr. Richard Burke: We got this under control.

Edward: Alright, Burke. Maybe I have gotten soft.

Cmdr. Richard Burke: You just keep walking!

Spoony (voiceover): Is he trying to outslater Christain Slater?

NC (voiceover): So Edward goes to the old doctor friend he saw earlier to see if he discovered anything about the Jesse Ventura guy.

Doctor: This might have something to do with it. Never seen this kind of symbiosis before. This must be why his entire nervous system was compromised.

Linkara (voiceover): If by compromised, you mean invincible!

Doctor: Scanner's still giving a reading.

The Doctor reads something strange on the scanner when he scans Edward.

Edward: What?

Spoony (voiceover): It appears that you have... Oh! We got a cutscene. I'll tell you later.

NC (voiceover): So we see the professor apparently has been keeping some of the mosters for himself. Taking their blood and injecting to his own. What does this have to do with the story? Nothing. Uwe Boll is just a weird fuck.

Professor injects the mosters' blood into his body.

Spoony (voiceover in a Popeye-esque voice): Hmmm! That's good McGuffin!

We cut to Edward and he starts his monologue again.

All three reviewers: Shut up!

Linkara (voiceover): Good lord! he can monologue about anything! (mimicking Slater's monolgoue) I was on my way to get my prostate checked.

Spoony (voiceover, mimicking Slater's monologue): I suddenly realized I forgot to TiVo Lost.


NC (voiceover, mimicking Slater's monologue): Why the hell was I in Star Trek 6?

Spoony (voiceover): But his monologing doesn't last long as he is intrrupted by Aline droping by his place! Perhaps she's come to share some info, or figure out why he lided about being dead or...

Aline starts making out with Edward.

Spoony: maybe she's just a whore!

Linkara (voiceover): I mean, what kind of woman acts like this? Braking in your home and starts making out with you? Granted I whish more women would act like that but this is really pushing it.

NC (voiceover): Maybe she left her keys inside his mouth and can only get it with her tongue.

Linkara (voiceover): In fact, how come there is not narration here? Don't you think this is the good spot to have a monologue?

Spoony (mimicking Slater's monologue): I couldn't believe this chick I mean she just broke into my home and started doing me.

Linkara (mimicking Slater's monologue): Maybe it's that new Axe body spray, or the fact that I started bathing again.

NC (mimicking Slater's monologue): Why the hell was I in Star Trek 6?

Edward: It seems all the pieces fit together.

Spoony (in a Valley Girl accent): Oh, is that what you call what you just did? I mean I slapped you after we hugged. You don't know what I'm gonna do after we have sex.

Spoony: Uh-oh! Uwe Boll is switching light on and off again! Which must mean there is danger nearby!

Edward: Stay there.

Linkara (mimicking Slater): I'll abandon you bravely, so you can fend for yourself!

Spoony (voiceover): So they're approached by more people with compromised nervous system but luckily their magic, glowing bullets hurt them now.

Edward shoots off the monster.

NC (voiceover): ZUU... AH! MOTHERFUC...AH! ZUUL..AH! YOU AHOLE!

Aline: How many more are there?

Suddenly everything becomes dark and blurry and lights flash everywhere while rock music is played.

NC (voiceover): Oh, great. The whole fight scene is shot in the dark so we can't see the action.

Critic, Linkara and Spoony mimick the silly action sequence by stand ing in front of a black background and shooting their guns everywhere. But soon they stop shooting and they pose for picture with smiling faces.

NC (voiceover): Luckily, Dorff and the gang drop by again to save the day.

Linkara (voiceover): How do they know these guys are evil? they could have been innocent civilians who just wandered in!

The same black background is used again with flashing lights and rock music. Four cameos appear: 90's Kid, Dr. Isano, Ma-Ti, and Bum.

90's Kid: Wow! What's all these flashing lights--

90's Kid is shot to death.

90' Kid: Oh, not radical.

Dr. Insano: I brought science!

Dr. Insado is shot to death.

Ma-Ti: Pizza delivery!

Ma-Ti is shot to death.

Ma-Ti: Heart!

Bum: Change! You got...

Bum is shot to death.

Edward: Hey, Burke!

Edward shoots a woman who was trying to attack Burke from behind. However, obviously the bullet does not hit her.

Linkara (voiceover): What? It didn't even hit her! I mean, look at her! It goes right above her head! Was the shot of somebody trying to kill her just too much for her to handle?

NC (voiceover): Actually think about it. That gun shot was computer generated. So the director actually had to say in post production, "Make sure that shot doesn't hit her." What a cock-sucking douchebag.

Spoony (voiceover): It's like he's taunting us without how bad he is, like he can post anything he wants somehow he'll still stay rich. Only in America!

NC (voiceover): And yet ironically, with a German.

Edward: What the hell is going on here?

Cmdr. Richard Burke: I got a feeling that this is just a beginning.

All three reviewers sigh and moan.

Spoony: How long is this movie?

Linkara (voiceover): This movie has a talent for somehow having too much plot and yet having no plot at all!

White taxi driver earlier in this movie: That's funny man.

Spoony (voiceover): So they put together and all the nasty monsters and zombie people are coming to this world to this one cave or mine or something. So they load up and get ready to snooping around.

A man: Wait for my command! We've got three guerillas with flashlights set up and gatling guns with electromagnetic motion tracking. And every available agent in the vicinity is here-

Burke: Look, I don't care what you have to do.

Linkara (voiceover): I do love just random yelling.

All three starts to mimick Burke and the man's random yelling.

Linkara: I need scissors, 61!

Christopher Walken: I gotta have more cowbell!

Spoony (voiceover): So everybody suits up and guards the cave to make sure no mosters or zombie folks break in. And it's probable bad thing to mention that every single one of the soldiers has just two days left before retirement!

Linkara (voiceover): So about the next ten minutes of the film is just pretty much of our heroes just roaming through this big thundermountain here.

Burke and his crew turn on their flashlights and starts to investigate while camera closes up so many walls that are not much worth to look at. Three reviewers sings in voiceover briefly.

all three reviewers:Padding, padding padding! Padding, padding, padding! Padding, padding, padding!

Linkara (voiceover): Hey, look! A wall! That's different!

One of the crew falls down when the floor suddenly crushes down. We then see he falled into a floor full of big pointy thorns.

A man: Marco!

A woman: Marco!

NC (voiceover): Polo.

Spoony (voiceover): See? That's what happens when you go up against Sub-Zero.

A game screen from Mortal Kombat game is shown. The gamer is thrown upwards and stabbed by spikes on the ceiling. A subtitle appears: Sub-Zero wins.

NC (voiceover): So as you can imagine, a bunch of more of those HR geiger droppings attack the soldiers.

Spoony (voiceover): But that doesn't stop our heroes from still snooping around.

Edward: I don't think we're supposed to be here.

All three reviewers looked pissed off.

NC: You. Are. An. Idiot.

One of the soldiers is stabbed in the ankle by some monster.

Burke: What? Cheung, lay down. Lay down. Lay down. Relax. Everything is going to be fine.

Linkara (voiceover): Well, she's a goner.

A monster pops out of the sand and everyone just holds the gun towards it and does not shoot it.

Spoony (voiceover): Uh, shoot it! Shoot it! Try shooting it, guys!

The monster bites the injured soldier in the side, apparently killing her.

Spoony (voiceover): And yeah, she's dead now! Thanks a lot. Bureau 713's finest.

Aline: You guys, check this out. It's a warning. It says once you make it down here alive... you're already dead.

Linkara: But if you come down here dead, you'll be alive!

Spoony: Even if you're half dead and half alive, then you might have a better chance of getting fixed...

Everyone starts to argue at the same time about the how the whole thing works, as Linkara apparently starts going off about the Black Lantern during this.

Burke: C'mon. Let's move!

Soldiers walk out of the place where one soldier is dead. When we cut to another scene, Linkara finds something strange.

Linkara: Wait a minute! She, she turned her head up. Play it again!

The scene of soldiers walking out of the cave is rewinded and shown again. We clearly see the person who was obviously dead a few minutes ago raises her head up. Three reviewers sigh and complain.

Spoony: Oh! What is with that? How do you get away with that? I guess Stephen Dorff was right! She will be okay!

NC: Nobody associated with this movie is okay.

Spoony (voiceover): So the G.I. Schmo work their way to the dark laboratory where they make an astonishing discovery.

Edward: It's 713. They implanted us with those things.

Burke: We've been trying to stop something that they created the whole time. My guys are dying out there for nothing! For fucking nothing! Goddamn it!


NC, since he lost his voice, Spoony helps him with his Joke. While Spoony types, NC does the act. However, Spoony gets mischievous.

NC: I am acting!.... I like to wear women's clothing. I like to wear women's clothing!

Linkara snickers, biting on his finger to stifle his laughter, and Critic pushes Spoony away, cut to next scene.

Linkara: Now it says if you made it to this door, you weren't intimidated by the other door.

Edward: The answers I've been looking for my whole life could be on the other side of this thing.

Aline: Some doors are meant to stay shut.

NC (voiceover): Yeah. Like the DVD case to this movie.

The professor Lionel Hudgens who appeared in this film earlier suddenly comes out and shoots his gun randomly in the air.

Prof, Lionel Hudgens: I spent twenty years looking for the key to that door! Does this place bring back memories, Carnby? You were my last failure here. If you hadn't escaped, 713 would never have shut down my experiments.

Spoony (voiceover): And I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for you pesky kids!

Linkara: Ruh roh!

Spoony: Oh! And that mangy dog!

NC: Scooby-dooby-doo.

Spoony (voiceover): So Dorff does a perfect underhand throw to the guy's chest.

The professor wriggles, screams, and ramdomly shoots in the air at the same time. The three reviewers mimick him.

Spoony: So then they open the door to find all sorts of mosters there ready to meet the world. They decide that the only logical thing to do is what all the people with explosives would do, explode things!

Spoony (voiceover): So Dorff sacrifices himself, don't ask, he just does, as Edward and Aline get out through the evacuate that leads coincidentally back to the orphanage.

NC (voiceover): Wait a minute. It was night a second ago. Now it's day! That makes no sense.

Ed Wood (Played by Johney Depp): What do you know? Haven't you heard of suspension of disbelief?

Linkara (voiceover): So now with the monsters blown up, everything is fine, right?

A subtitle appears: 8:45 AM City evacuated.

Linkara: Nooooo! For it turns out some other group of monsters, that was never explained or shown to us, attacked the city while they are fighting in the cave, resulting in a complete evacuation of the entire city, ALL IN ONE NIGHT! Wow! That's lot to buy, movie! That is lot to buy.

NC (voiceover): One night. They evacuated the city in one night! Holy fuckballs, is this stupid.

Spoony (voiceover): And you know what makes really tragic is that everyone in the city has just two days left till retirement!

NC (voiceover): Shut up.

Linkara (voiceover): And on top of that, did those monsters do a dandy clean up job? I mean, wow! There is not a speck of debris or drop of blood on the ground. This is the cleanest of Hell's demonic minions ever!

Spoony: And just when you thought this movie couldn't possibly rip off any other famous horror films, tell me what this reminds you of.

The Camera suddenly zooms in Edward and Aline walking in the empty streets as if something is pursuing them.

Spoony: Watch Evil Dead much?


Linkara: So that was Uwe Boll's Alone in the Dark. How does it fair up? Horrible!

Spoony: It's god awful!

NC: Deplorable.

Spoony: You see why this guy is called the next Ed Wood.

Footage of Alone In The Dark is shown.

Spoony (voiceover): The story makes no sense, there is no originality, the plot holes are just gigantic! And on top of all that, it hasn't nothing to do with the game it was based on!

NC now seems very grumpy.

NC: There, it's over. Now leave.

Spoony: Come on. We have other Uwe Boll movies we can watch like House of The Dead!

NC slaps Spoony in the face.

Linkara: Remember to buy Revolution of The Mask!

NC pokes Linkara in the eye with his fingers.

Spoony: What about Dungeon Siege?

NC slaps Spoony again.

As merry music is played, we see NC slapping and punching Linkara and Spoony everytime when they suggest to watch a Uwe Boll movie in another homage to the Three Stooges.

Linkara: Hey! You leave him alone!

Spoony: Well if you want to watch some hot chicks, I've got BloodRayne!

NC slaps Spoony again.

Spoony: BloodRayne 2?

NC slaps Spoony again. Linkara takes NC's hat away and hits him with it. NC shows his palm to Linkara.

NC: Pick Five.

Linkara: Five!

NC slaps Linkara

Spoony: Why you gotta be so mean? We can watch Seed!

NC hits Linkara and Spoony.

Spoony: That's it! Critic! It's on now!

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to!


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