All-Star Batman and Robin 5

All-Star Batman and Robin #5
Released	February 4, 2013
Running time	28:17
Previous review	Happy Days 2
Next review	Youngblood 5
Tagline	I think at this point it's fair to say that Frank Miller has issues with women. And children. And superheroes. And intelligence.
Link	http://atopthefourthwall.com/all-star-batman-and-robin-5/

Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. (suddenly looks up as a thought comes to him) Say... (takes a pocket watch out of his coat and looks at it) It's Miller Time!

("Miller Time" title is shown)

Linkara: (laughs) Yeah, it's, uh, been a while since the last "Miller Time", hasn't it?

(A montage of Frank Miller's comics are shown, starting with "Robocop vs. the Terminator #1")

Linkara (v/o): It's not intentional, it's just, the last time I talked about Frank Miller, I was actually rather nice to the guy, since "Robocop vs. the Terminator #1" was an okay comic.

(Cut to a shot of "Holy Terror")

Linkara (v/o): Buuut then people kept requesting this and "Holy Terror" and, well, I was reminded why I hate this racist, misogynistic sack of crap to begin with.

(Cut to shots of "The Dark Knight Returns")

Linkara (v/o): People have been wondering if I've seen the Dark Knight Returns straight-to-DVD movies. I have not seen them, and while I will at some point, I don't really care all that much. I thought we'd established by now that I care more about the comics than I do any adaptations of them. I'm sure they're quite good, mostly because the original story comes from before that brain parasite got inside of Frank Miller's head and began sucking away anything that made him rational and reasonable.

(Cut to a montage of shots of "All-Star Batman and Robin" up to this point)

Linkara (v/o): Anyway, our story so far: An escaped mental patient named Steve found Batman's outfit and came across a lottery ticket that allowed him to get rich and thus pretend that he's Batman. As a result, he has kidnapped a young boy whose parents were killed at a circus performance and murdered several police officers. Then we had a random tangent to Black Canary that will kinda sorta be paid off in stupid ways in another issue. Black Canary in this comic is a random, Kung Fu-wielding, Irish ninja who worked in the worst bar ever, and I'm pretty sure she killed some innocent people, too. Vicki Vale was injured and is at the hospital, and Superman said "Damn!" a whole lot. I'm sure there was more to it than that, but thanks to all the alcohol I ingested during my reviews of the "Marville" comics, I tend to black out a bit on some memories.

Linkara: So let's dig into (holds up today's comic) "All-Star Batman and Robin #5" and see what Frankie's got for us this time.

(The title sequence plays; title card has electronic music play (I don't know what song it is, exactly). Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover)

Linkara (v/o): While I'm reading from a trade, sometimes the original comic covers do make me slap my head enough that I want to briefly talk about them. In this case, "ASBAR #5" had two crappy covers to it. The first was a Jim Lee drawing of Batman with random blood spatters. Whoopity-doo!

(Cut to a closeup of the second cover)

Linkara (v/o): The second was the Frank Miller drawing of Wonder Woman's ass. Well, Wonder Woman's ass as well as her spine twisting in two painful directions and some kind of corset thing that I'm sure is supposed to be her outfit, but, you know, isn't. Not even close. Also, where the hell is her arms? Even if she was holding them straight, we should be able to see something. Well, I know why we can't see her arms: if we saw her arms, we probably wouldn't be able to see that one breast right there, and it was so important to this cover that we saw it. Anyway, back to Wonder Woman's ass. It really goes to show how much respect Frankie Boy has for an enduring feminist icon, and probably the most well-known mainstream superheroine, aside from Batgirl, and Batgirl, as awesome as she is, is still a distaff counterpart to Batman. You know, it's often a repeated phrase that sex sells, and it's a load of garbage. It's not sex that sells, it's porn. If it was merely sex or nudity that got people to buy books, half of the comics I reviewed would be the highest selling titles of all time. But huzzah! Frank Miller proves that he can't even draw cheesecake without screwing it up royally! I ask any man or woman curious to try: stand in that pose, stomach shoved out, while simultaneously arching your back, and see how long you want to stay in that position.

(The comic opens to the first page)

Linkara (v/o): We open to...

Narrator: Five Hours Ago...

Linkara: (irritated) Enough with the timestamps, okay?! Nobody opened this comic up and thought to themselves, (shakes comic around) "Oh, man! I don't know what time it is compared to the rest of the story! I'm so confused!" (facepalms himself) Time and space are meaningless in this comic, Frank!

Linkara (v/o): Wonder Woman is walking down a dark street, holding a newspaper. The most noticeable thing about her outfit as it is in this is the addition of a nose guard. I admit, I actually like this change since it's a basic aesthetic difference that would make sense without being controversial, like pants somehow are. However, for some bizarre reason, she's wearing a trenchcoat, too. Why? It's not because it's cold, since we can see it's already opened up, and frankly, I would think she'd want to put on warmer clothes under the coat. Not to mention, she's super-strong already, so I imagine that comes with endurance to the elements. It can't be to conceal her identity because the outfit is so poorly covered underneath it. Plus, she's wearing the friggin' tiara thing right there on her face! (as someone in the comic) "Oh, man! There's Wonder Woman right there! Oh, wait, she's wearing a trenchcoat. Never mind, it isn't her." (normal again) This page... This dumbass page! There's so much stupid here. There's Wonder Woman, who I'm sure is supposed to look pissed off, but instead just looks like she's pouting. There's the overwritten, irritating and schizophrenic narration, though I'll get to that in a second. There's a random drunken hobo asking Wonder Woman to marry him, and there's a random businessman casually walking down the streets. Where the hell is he going? Judging by the light in the background, it's either sunrise or sunset. Either way, it seems like an odd time for him to just be walking through some back alley. And then there's the dialogue! That wonderful, wonderful Frank Miller dialogue!

Wonder Woman: Out of my way, sperm bank.

Linkara: (as Wonder Woman) Out of my way, Internet meme.

Wonder Woman: (narrating) Metropolis. The city of dreams. Men's dreams.

Linkara (v/o): And, you know, the few hundred thousand women who live in it, too.

Wonder Woman: (narrating) It stinks of men. Of doorways abandoned, obsolete phone booths used as urinals.

Linkara: That would've made things awkward for Bill and Ted.

Wonder Woman: (narrating) It leaves a bad taste, this world of men.

Linkara: (licking his wrist, then recoiling in disgust) Blegh! Grape jelly and mustard. Weird.

Wonder Woman: (narrating) Men. They can't do anything right.

Linkara: Nonsense! We invented peanut butter, didn't we?

Linkara (v/o): So, as Wonder Woman... Okay, she's not acting like Wonder Woman either, so I've got a new name for her. This is Bonkers Betty, the crazy escaped mental patient who found a Wonder Woman costume in a store and took it. So, as Bonkers Betty crashes through a chained-up door, she continues her narration...

Wonder Woman: (narrating) The word on the door speak a lie. Men always lie. About everything.

Linkara: (as a man on the street) You look pretty today. (as Wonder Woman) LIAR! I look hideous!

Wonder Woman: (narrating) Men always make a mess. Out of everything.

Linkara (v/o): ...says the woman smashing through private property. Actually, now that I think about it, I'm sure that's actually supposed to be deliberate. This is a feminist in Frank's eyes. You know, a strawman: man-hating, hypocritical, and given the fact that until the 2011 reboot, Paradise Island always had a kind of nod-and-wink lesbianism in place, he probably sees her as a lesbian who just needs the right man to show her the error of her ways. I admit this is mere speculation on my part, but frankly, with what we've seen of Frank's writing before, does anyone really think that isn't a possibility?

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