May 08, 2012
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, the big summer blockbusters are coming up, and guess which ones have the most hype?
(Poster of The Dark Knight Rises)
NC: Aside from that one.
(Poster of The Amazing Spider-Man)
NC: Aside from that one, too.
(Poster of... That's My Boy?)
NC (v/o): Yes, people are excited to see these two big films premiere and why shouldn't they be? You got one film directed by Joss Whedon (The Avengers) and another film about the Alien franchise (Prometheus).
NC: With so much build-up between these two movies, you gotta wonder why nobody thought to put Joss Whedon and the Alien franchise together at some point--oh, my God, not Alien: Resurrection!
(The film's title is displayed)
NC: MY GOOOD!
Hudson (from Aliens): Game over, man! Game over!
(Clips from Alien: Resurrection are shown)
NC (v/o): Yeah, how many of you knew that the geek god of sci-fi actually started off writing one of the DUMBEST sci-fi flicks ever to hit the screen? This sequel was made in fan response to the fact that nobody was satisfied with the (poster of Alien 3) last and supposed final Alien movie. (Alien: Resurrection clips) So they made this flick to try and end it on a stronger note; when, really, it was Hollywood's way of saying "Hey, you think that's a bad way to end a franchise? Take a look at how else we can fuck up this turkey!" Throw in the very natural selection of the director from Amélie (character of that film is shown for a brief second; the director of Amélie, and thus Alien: Resurrection, is Jean-Pierre Jeunet) and you get a film that (laughs) surprisingly sucks out the dignity of alien creatures who are more phallic-shaped than Alf! (The character is shown briefly)
NC: So, let's see why in space, nobody can hear you SUCK! This is Alien: Resurrection!
NC (v/o): So, they waste no time on the resurrection part. We see Ripley, played again by Sigourney Weaver, brought back to life through cloning 200 years later after her death. Jesus, bringing people back from 200 years ago? There are so many rap battles that can evolve from this! (Pictures of Albert Einstein vs. Stephen Hawking and Justin Bieber vs. Beethoven from Epic Rap Battles of History) She's brought back so that scientists can reproduce the alien creature that was implanted inside of her. And, seeing how this is a Joss Whedon script, I expect at least one of those mad scientists to have a sing-along. (cut to Dr. Gediman, played by Brad Dourif) I'm looking at you, [Grima] Wormtongue!
NC (as the scientist, singing): Blood and guts. Slimy, too. Should've stopped at movie two. (poster for Aliens)
NC (v/o): But Ripley is kept alive and thrown in a cell until she regains consciousness. (Ripley is moving around in a bag) Now, from a symbolic standpoint, the bag represents rebirth and entering a new world of life. But from a reality standpoint, (laughs) they're just dicks fucking around with her (as a scientists) Hey, Larry, you got that giant novelty condom from Spencer's [Gifts]? (as Larry) Yeah. (scientist) Why don't we go ahead and put her (Ripley) inside it? (Larry) You've been dreaming about this for a while, haven't you (scientist) So what if I have?! (normal) But we quickly see that this Ripley is different from the one before, as some of her DNA has mixed in with the alien and made her a different kind of creature. For example, she thinks the word fork is "fuck"!
NC (v/o) (as Gediman): She said "fuck". It's funny!
Ripley: It's a queen.
Gediman: How did you know that?
Ripley: She'll breed. You'll die.
Dr. Wren: I think you will find that, uh, things have changed a great deal since your time.
NC (v/o): Yes, like they have acid-proof cells to keep the aliens in--oh, wait, they don't. Well, at least they have a general who understands the scientific risks at stake--oh, wait, they don't. Well, at least they're not just relying on a bunch of space pirates to bring in their incredibly important cargo--oh, for God's sake, THIS OPERATION'S AS AIRTIGHT AS A SCREEN DOOR! Yeah, things have come a long way since before, but DUMB IS STILL DUMB!
Johner (one of the "space pirates", played by Ron Perlman): Hey, don't cut-thrust 'til about 600 meters, and we'll give 'em a little scare.
NC (v/o): So, (sigh) like I said before, a bunch of renegade space pirates bring prisoners for the scientists to use as breeding grounds for the aliens.
Soldier (to Johner): Get your hands up, please, sir.
Soldier: Get your hands up, please.
NC (v/o): By the way, that's Ron Perlman as one of the pirates.
Soldier: There are no weapons allowed on board, sir.
Johner: (opens his jacket) My own recipe. (leans closer to the camera) Way more dangerous.
NC (as Johner): Could I say my line (leans in) any closer (leans in more) to the camera? (hits the camera) Ow.
Vriess (Dominique Pinon) (to the soldier): Wanna check the chair?
NC (v/o): Why, yes, that would make a lot of sense-- (Vriess goes unchecked) oh, OK. And that's Winona Ryder playing the part of Call (pronounced "Cole"). And truth be told, I'm sorry, I'm just not that big a fan of her acting. Why? Because every scene she's in looks like a 5-year-old about to throw a temper tantrum.
Call: He's conducting illegal experiments!/And you were planning on letting us know this?/We can't trust her (Ripley)!
NC (as Call, in a whiny voice): I wanted ice cream!
NC (v/o): It doesn't take long for them to come across Ripley, who's just as eager to chew the scenery as the aliens are.
Johner (to Ripley): Well, if you don't wanna play basketball, I know some other indoor sports.
(Ripley starts dribbling the ball)
Johner: Come on, now, give me the ball.
(Ripley hits Johner in the groin with the ball and punches him)
NC: I guess she's wearing her Air Fuck You's today. (Photoshopped picture of Air Fuck You's)
(Call throws the ball at Ripley and she catches it while also palming it)
NC (v/o): Yeah, I bet you didn't know that her alien DNA gave her super Spider-Man powers, too!
(Ripley hits Christie (Gary Dourdan) in the face with the ball, knocking him down)
Johner: The hell are you?
(Ripley throws the ball in the air behind her, making the shot)
NC (v/o): Ah, yes, and the ability to shoot a basket without even looking. No doubt another "chilling" side effect of the alien DNA!
NC: These things must've taken their sports very seriously. (a basketball player with a Photoshopped Alien head is shown)
(Dr. Carlyn Williamson (Marlene Bush), one of the scientists responsible for cloning Ripley, is seen getting a massage)
NC (v/o): So for a while, we see people on the ship mosey around, being boring. I think this is supposed to establish character development, but let's face it, we're just getting an early peek at the buffet. We know these guys are alien chow and we're just looking at the clock until they get munched on.
(Cut to a scene where Gediman is "interacting" with the alien)
NC (v/o): And then there's bizarre shit like this.
(Gediman starts... kissing the glass)
NC (v/o): You know, it's at moments like this where I realize the only reason we let Brad Dourif act is because we're afraid of what he'll do if he doesn't.
(NC's traditional porn music starts playing)
Chucky (from Child's Play) (audio): I have a date with a 6-year-old boy.
(The alien snaps his tongue at Gediman; he traps and sprays it)
NC (v/o): Hey, come on, you (Gediman) were putting the moves on him (the alien)! Meanwhile, Call tries to break into the security system that is so high-tech and so airtight that she has a key-chain of choices to foil it with.
(Call sprays the security orb)
Computer: Please try again. (Call sprays it with a different spray and the door opens) Thank you, General Perez.
NC (v/o): Thank God they didn't station one of the bajillion guards they have on board this flying crock pot!
(Call finds Ripley)
Ripley: Well, you gonna kill me, or what?
Call: There's no point, is there?
NC: It's true. They'll keep making sequels without her.
Call: You gotta help me stop this thing before it gets loose.
(Ripley starts touching Call's face)
Ripley: (whispers) It's too late. You can't stop it.
NC (as Call): This lesbian tease for the trailer better not interrupt my tea party!
Call: I don't care.
Ripley: I can make it stop.
NC (v/o): Did I mention the director was French? Very, very French.
Ripley: Go on. Get out of here. They're looking for you.
NC (v/o): And the ability to psychically tell when people are looking for other people. Yet another "chilling", if not confusing, side effect of the alien DNA! Right next to re-enacting scenes from Wild Things. (poster of that film)
(A gun is pointed at Call's head)
Wren: I think you're gonna find that this was very ill-advised.
NC (v/o): But Call gets caught and they suspect she's some sort of terrorist trying to stop their plans. So they capture the rest of the pirates to question them.
Wren: Look, I don't care whether you knew or not. You brought a terrorist onboard a military vessel, and as far as I am concerned, you all die with her!
NC (as Wren): And I get to say my lines more flamboyant!
Wren: Where's the other one?
Soldier: With the chair.
Johner: (takes the soldier's gun) Don't ever touch me. (tosses it back to him for some reason) Ever!
NC (v/o): Uh, wouldn't it have made more sense if he just kept the gun? Oh, well, maybe they're trying to find the peaceful route.
Frank Elgyn (Michael Wincott) (captain of the space pirates): Christie.
(Christie takes out two guns and shoots the soldiers)
NC (v/o): Okay, now it was pointless for him not to have kept the gun.
Soldier: Drop your weapons! (turns to Johner) And you, drop that piece of shit!
Christie: Kiss my ass.
(The soldier rambles on as Christie fires a bullet into the ceiling and it bounces off into the soldier's head, killing him)
NC (v/o): Oh, Jesus, why stop there? There's so many other obvious objects you could've bounced it off of!
(The scene replays, as the bullet bounces off the ceiling, the Eiffel Tower, a pyramid, the Moon, and Charlie Sheen before hitting the soldier in the head)
NC (v/o): While that's going on, the aliens in their cell try to figure out a clever way out.
NC (as an alien): All right, buddy. There's two kinds of aliens on this ship. Those who like the Nostalgia Critic's Transformers cartoon review, and those who don't like the Nostalgia Critic's Transformers cartoon review. (to the other aliens) Which are you, boys?
NC (as another alien): I just would've liked to have seen him more in character.
(The first alien attacks and kills the second alien)
NC (as 2nd alien): The Brad Jones cameo was pointless! The Optimus Prime bit got old! It just... wasn't... funny.
NC (v/o): So the acid blood from the body breaks through the walls and allows the aliens to escape. Again, no guards around to protect the most dangerous fucking thing in the galaxy at the moment! Hell, they don't even call security after this happens! They just look over the mess, making way for this obvious kill.
(An alien seemingly kills Dr. Gediman. Ha-hey!)
Female scientist: (near unintelligible) GEDIMAN!!
NC: Aw, poor (misinterprets) AMIBAAAAAA!!
NC (v/o): This leads to the general and his army of shoulder-hair (General Perez, played by Dan Hedaya) to do the most bad-ass thing this division can think of: run the fuck away!
General Perez: Go, go, go!
Intercom: Evacuation. This is not a drill.
NC (as the soldiers): Run like pussies from the thing we were supposed to be guarding this whole time!
NC (v/o): The aliens try to break into Ripley's cell, but she has a plan to break open the metal wall with her bare hands, cut her skin, and use her acid blood to short out the wires, thus opening the door. Or she could've just used the exact same strength to open the door. Guess that acid blood doesn't flow much to the brain, huh?
(A soldier slides down into a ship)
NC (as an alien): Oh, boy, it's like a cup of noodles!
(The alien jumps into the ship and kills the soldiers)
NC (v/o): This looks like a job for a pointless CG shot!
(Perez throws a grenade down the hallway like it's a bowling ball into an escape pod where aliens happen to be. As it flies off, he blows it up and salutes)
NC (as Perez): In honor of those who proudly run away like little girls.
(An alien impales him from behind, he reaches behind his head and grabs what looks like a piece of his brain)
NC: Hm, proof that Dan Hedaya can act with just a small portion of his brain.
(Clip of Bobby Tulip from Ernest Scared Stupid playing a rimshot on his drum set)
NC (v/o): So of course, after the fucking army runs away from these things, our space pirates try to high-tail it as well. Or, they stop and walk slowly in the other direction rather than make it to their only escape route.
NC (as Intercom): Idiots on Level 5. Sweet, delicious idiots on Level 5.
(An alien grabs one of the pirates through the floor and kills him. Ha-hey!)
NC (v/o): So this guy whose name you can't remember gets axed off and they come across Suspect #1.
Elgyn: Don't shoot! It's in front of the hole!
NC (as alien): It's okay, I'll give you guys a few minutes to run.
Johner: (grabs Call) Come on, time to go. Time to go!
Elgyn: Get back!
NC (as alien): Few more minutes. Yeah, I should probably chase after them. Ugh, I'm so distracted, I just can't focus. You know, I think my mind was just distracted by that ad I saw earlier today. How'd it go again?
(A harp glissando plays as the screen fades to black, cuing a commercial break. The harp glissando plays again as the screen fades back to the alien)
NC (as alien): Yeah, that was it. Okay, I think they've had time to simmer in their own sweat. Let me just use these psychic alien powers I just figured out we have to not figure out that one of my own kind is about to shoot me in the mouth.
(The alien is shot in the mouth by Ripley, who comes across the space pirates)
Call: (deadpan) What... the fuck?
NC (as Call): I better still get a snow cone!
Ripley: (to Call) Was it everything you hoped for?
NC: What is your obsession with turning this into a lesbo flick?
Ripley: So, who do I have to fuck to get off this boat?
NC (v/o): Well, we all know who you'd like to fuck! (An arrow points to Call) Seriously, where did this come from?
Christie: Let's get outta here.
Call: Now, wait a second here! She was the host for these monsters! She's not human.
NC (as Call): I wanted a horse, not a pony!
Christie: She comes.
NC (v/o): So, they come across the wheelchair guy (Vriess). Yeah, I know he has a name; but, let's face it, you're just gonna call him the wheelchair guy. And they also stumble across the other cloning experiments before Ripley was made.
(They look at the clones, which actually look pretty disturbing)
NC (v/o): Now, this scene is creative and allows for some cool visuals, but when you really get down to it, it's totally pointless. Would you really miss anything if this part of the story was cut out? Aside from deformed Ripley booby? (The clone with the exposed breast is shown, as NC has placed a censor bar over it)
Clone: Kill... me. Kill... me!
NC (as clone): A painless... poison will do.
(Ripley takes a flamethrower to the clone (an audio clip of Homer Simpson screaming is heard) and destroys the lab and the rest of the clones)
NC (v/o): Yes, and I'm sure this will in NO WAY ATTRACT OTHER ALIENS ABOARD THE SHIP AT ALL! Whatever you do, DON'T DRAW THE ALIENS' ATTENTION EXCEPT FOR VERY LOUDLY DESTROYING AS MUCH EQUIPMENT AS POSSIBLE! Very stealth, very stealth!
Johner: Must be a chick thing.
NC (v/o): They come across one of the prisoners who has an alien inside of him (Larry Purvis, played by Leland Orser) and like morons, they decide to bring him along. I'm so looking forward to not getting attached to this character because, obviously, he's going to die! You have the same chances as a lawyer in a theme park filled with dinosaurs! Odds aren't in your favor, guy!
Purvis: I'm okay. I'm okay.
NC (v/o): They come across a flooded area where they discover the aliens have set a trap for them to birth more babies.
(A facehugger latches onto Ripley's face)
NC (v/o): Oh, shit, that's bad. As you remember in the first film, once those things get on, they never come off. The more and more you pull, the tighter and tighter it gets-- (Ripley simply pulls the facehugger off) Or she just rips it off like waxing a mustache. Did you (the director) even see the other Alien movies?! Were these things really like just swatting a housefly off of you the whole time?
(An animated facehugger latches onto NC, and he just flicks it off)
NC: Tch. Annoying! (looks off-screen)
NC (v/o): Luckliy, the black guy from earlier (Christie) still has calculated aiming that would make Basil of Baker Street blush.
Basil (from The Great Mouse Detective) (audio): Multiplying by the square root of an isosceles triangle, dividing by Guttermeg's principle of opposing forces in motion, and adjusting for the difference in equilibrium--
(The bullet hits the baby alien, blowing it and the rest of the baby aliens and their eggs up)
NC (v/o): This allows them to start climbing up just as one of the doctors from before turns against them.
Doctor Wren: You really are way too trusting! (shoots Call)
(Call falls into the water below)
NC: Yeah, allow me to put this (scene) in my "Bitch Later" folder. (proceeds to do so) Trust me, I'll put it to good use.
NC (v/o): So the alien jumps out of the water and tries to follow our heroes.
(Christie tries to kill the alien, but keeps missing his shots for some reason)
NC: Uh-ba-ja-j-wait a minute! You're telling me that this guy can hit with impeccable accuracy any angle, any position, knocking off of every solid object he can find, BUT... a 7-foot alien standing RIGHT THE FUCK IN FRONT OF HIM IS CONSTANTLY THROWING OFF HIS AIM?! Do you need him to wear a giant bulls-eye on his head?! (A Photoshopped bullseye is on the alien head) Good God, this is embarrasing!
(A bullet finally hits the alien, blowing it up)
NC (v/o): He does finally manage to shoot the damn thing, but it hangs on to his foot. Which he could... easily kick off, but... for some reason he decides to separate himself to save the rest of the crew.
(Christie falls into the water below)
NC: (takes off his hat) Let us have a moment of silence for that black guy.
NC (as another person): You know, I don't think that fall would've killed him.
NC: No, he's dead.
Other NC: There's no other aliens down there to get him.
NC: No, no. he's dead.
Other NC: He could easily just swim out of there any chance he wants to-
NC: Why can't you just accept the incredibly rare fact that a black guy has died in a horror film?!
Other NC: ...Even all the facehuggers were destroyed--
NC: You racist?
Other NC: How does that even--?! Sure!
NC (v/o): But it turns out Call made it out OK despite the fact that she was shot. Why? Because she's a robot, of course!
Private Distefano (Raymond Cruz): You're an Auton. A robot designed by robots, right?
NC: All right, this leads me to my "Bitch Later" folder. (takes out the scene he put in there) First off, if she's a robot, why did a bullet hurt her? The robots in the past never took so long to recover from anything like that! Second, since she fell into water, why didn't the alien attack her when it had the chance? They're smart, they know she's a threat! And third, if she could swim out of the water okay, WHY THE FUCK COULDN'T THE BLACK GUY (Christie)?!
NC (from earlier): You racist?
Other NC: I don't think you know what that word means.
NC (v/o): So after figuring that out, Ripley gets caught by the aliens, but is surprisingly not harmed.
(Ripley falls through the floor. Ha-hey!)
NC (v/o): Things get even worse when the doctor catches up with the crew and holds Call hostage.
Doctor Wren: Nobody moves, or I put a cap right where this android's brain is!
NC: Go ahead, she's a fucking robot!
Doctor Wren: Now drop the weapons! (they do)
NC (v/o): Yeah, sure, drop the weapons! It's not like robots can survive anything extreme, except being shot in the chest (Call getting shot from earlier), being torn in half (Bishop from Aliens), and getting your head fucking decapitated (Ash from Alien)!
NC: But aside from that, robots are very sensitive. Be careful.
NC (v/o): Here's another goofy scene. The prisoner from earlier (Purvis) feels the alien starting to come out, so what does he do? What anyone would do if they felt something starting to pop out of their stomach: gets up, goes for a walk, beats the living shit out of a guy, and then has the alien burst through his head. Give him an A for creativity, BUT THIS MAKES NO SENSE! I don't remember John Hurt (Kane) going through anything like this in the first Alien movie!
(EDITOR'S NOTE: Purvis probably wanted to kill the guard that way as means of sacrificing himself in the process.)
NC (as Kane): Oh, my God, I feel something about to burst out of my chest! Oh, that's strange. I have a sudden burst of energy. Hell, I want to Jazzercise! Oh, yes, do a little tae-bo. Ulp, it's kicking. (an alien bursts out of NC's chest and starts singing in a parody of Spaceballs)
Alien: Hello, my baby, hello, my honey.
NC (v/o): And just when you thought things couldn't get any sillier in this movie, we find out that Brad Dourif is still alive, throwing a really fucking last-minute plot exposition that Ripley's DNA mixed with the queen's DNA now allows her to give birth to a new life-form. Oh, and you thought his acting as Chucky was subtle? Take a look at this little piece of "Shakespearean gold"!
Gediman: You are... a beautiful, beautiful butterfly.
NC (as Gediman, fluttering his hands): I have no idea why I'm cheerfully invested!
NC (v/o): But the new baby doesn't take to her mother kindly.
Audio clip from Dinosaurs: Not the mama!
(The baby attacks and kills its mother, then turns to Ripley and licks her)
Gediman: Oh, look. A beautiful, beautiful little baby.
NC: (laughs) You know, his performance is like a human representation of alien porn fan fiction. I really have no idea what's going on through his mind, and I think for the sake of all humanity, it should remain that way. He should just come with a sign saying: (with accompanying image) "Brad Dourif: No Questions, Dammit! No Questions!"
NC (v/o): So Ripley gets away and jumps onto the ship leaving for Earth, but of course, that snot-bubble sneaks aboard, too.
Ripley: Put it down!
(the baby alien's face becomes sad)
NC (v/o): I really love how they try to make you feel for this thing you were introduced to in the last ten minutes of the movie. Especially when they give him these big puppy-dog eyes! (as the baby alien) I just want to eat humanity and devour bwains. Is dat a cwime? (normal) Even at his most psychotic, they still try to throw that shit in! It's pretty emotionally clustered! (alien) I just wanna play with the puppies-- (switches to demonic voice) YOU COCK-SUCKING MOTHERFUCKER!
(The alien's acid blood gets on the window)
NC (v/o, as alien): Mommy, why would you do this to me? (demonic voice) I'LL EAT YOUR ASS IN HELL! (normal)But they shoot a hole in the window, which forces him to literally get sucked out.
(The baby alien starts breaking apart as it gets sucked out more and more)
NC (as Call): I want a princess castle!
(Ripley and Call watch as the alien is completely sucked out)
NC (as the alien): Best... death... ever--WHOA!
NC (v/o): So I'm sure a hole in the window of a ship re-entering Earth's atmosphere wouldn't cause any complications at all, so they re-enter fine and look over the new world they have to explore.
(Call and Ripley look at the world)
NC (v/o): And after all that lesbian build-up, we finally get our gay kiss for the movie. (Johner kisses Vriess) Fuck... you.
NC: So, that was Alien: Resurrection. What the hell happened?!
NC (v/o): It's so weird watching a movie franchise like this go so bizarrely bad. Especially with, to be fair, a lot of good people working on it! The story has a million holes, the characters are just there to die, the idea of mixing Ripley's DNA with the alien is interesting, but doesn't add to much, if anything at all! Some of the gross-out deaths are creatively over-the-top, but for the most part, it's just a lame, lame flick, and a really disappointing way to end what is now the poorly-named Alien trilogy.
NC: Personally, I'll take my chances with Prometheus. After all, when has Ridley Scott ever directed a bad movie--? (posters for Gladiator, White Squall, Kingdom of Heaven, Matchstick Men, Hannibal, and Robin Hood (2010)) LET ME DREAM! I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to!
(The "Hello, my baby!" parody from Spaceballs plays over the end credits)
Lone Starr and Barf (from Spaceballs): Check, please!
Johner: Must be a chick thing. [Channel Awesome tagline]