June 12, 2019
(The Channel Awesome logo is displayed, then cold-open on an office at 20th Century Fox)
Movie producer (played by Doug): So, you have an Alien sequel for me, you handsome devil?
Movie writer (also played by Doug): (holding a bunch of papers) I certainly do, you beautiful bastard.
Producer: Those last two sure made us a ton of money.
Writer: Well, with such ingeniously simplistic titles, it's hard for someone not to see them.
Producer: Agreed, with the first being so creepily blunt and vague.
Writer: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Producer: And the sequel just adding one letter to the title, instantly making it more terrifying.
Writer: Exactly, because we saw what one could do, imagine what another, if not many others, could do.
Producer: So, what brilliant title do you have for this one?
Writer: Alien 3.
Producer: (laughs) No, really, what is it?
Writer: Alien 3.
Producer: That wasn't a joke, then?
Writer: No, sir. (holds finger and thumb close together, indicating a tiny size) We'll make the "3" very small and in the corner of the title.
Producer: Oh, so we're upping the ante by multiplying the army of aliens in the last film by three?
Writer: Actually, there's just one.
Producer: Just one?
Writer: Just one.
Producer: Won't it be a phenomenal letdown coming off the last film?
Writer: Well, this will be a kind of alien they've never seen before.
Producer: Ah, like a queen alien, but bigger?
Writer: Like a dog.
Producer: Excuse me?
Writer: I feel like the people really want to see the alien as a dog.
Producer: Well, I guess we've never seen the alien come out of another species. How is he different?
Writer: He walks on all fours.
Writer: I'm finished.
Writer: So Ripley crash-lands on this planet that's kind of a religious cult prison.
Producer: Oh? What's their story?
Writer: And the queen from the last movie laid two eggs on her ship.
Producer: Wasn't the tube thing that allowed her to lay eggs ripped off?
Writer: I don't know.
Producer: Fair enough.
Writer: So the Facehuggers try breaking into the pod of Ripley and her friends.
Producer: Oh, yeah, people really grew an emotional attachment to those characters; it'll be great to see them again.
Writer: I killed them all!
Writer: I killed them all!
Writer: I killed them all!
Writer: I killed them all!
Producer: Michael Biehn?
Writer: Well, he dies in everything anyways.
Producer: Well, that's true, but WOW, won't people be upset!
Writer: It's okay, I do it in a very tasteful way.
Producer: Do tell.
Writer: Well, we see Newt frozen in fear with a look of terror on her face!
Producer: Sweet Mary.
Writer: And the others will be mangled into gooey shards of flesh.
Producer: Well, at least we'll get that painful moment over with quickly.
Writer: Then they rip Newt open.
Producer: Oh, God!
Writer: Yup, and Ripley watches to make sure there's no alien inside her.
Producer: Isn't there a scanning device they use later that could just show you if there's an alien inside?
Writer: Knock, knock.
Producer: Who's there?
Writer: My back; it wants you to get off of it.
Producer: Fair enough.
Writer: So the alien kills off a bunch of forgettable characters who mostly look the same.
Producer: Forgettable characters are tight.
Writer: But they pour a bunch of hot lead on him to finally kill him off.
Producer: Why didn't they just shoot him? Seemed to work in the other movie?
Writer: Because they have no gun.
Producer: A prison has no gun?
Writer: Well, remember, it's a religious cult.
Producer: So that makes it safer?
Writer: That's what I'm going with, yes.
Writer: But then they discover Ripley has an alien insider her, too.
Producer: Oh, no.
Writer: Oh, yes.
Producer: They're gonna have to think super creatively about how to get it out of her.
Writer: Actually, it'll be incredibly simple; hardly an obstacle to overcome.
Writer: She just kills herself.
Producer: That's it? She just kills herself?
Writer: Well, Terminator 2 did it recently, and that was a big hit, so I'm gonna do exactly that.
Producer: Doesn't this make the previous movies completely pointless, though?
Writer: Well, where the other two films were about survival, this one's about how everything sucks and screws you over in the end.
Producer: Ah, like what we're clearly doing to the audience?
Producer: Sounds like a winner. (The writer nods) You know, this conversation sounds eerily similar to those pitch meetings they do on Screen Rant.
Writer: (looking at his paper) Agreed. Afraid we're ripping them off?
Producer: No, I think it's an homage if we just acknowledge we're ripping them off.
Writer: We'll just put a link here... (runs his hand along the edge of the screen up and down) ...-ish.
Producer: Those videos are pretty funny.
Writer: I'm insanely jealous of Ryan George's writing.
Producer: So, anyway, it sounds like we're at least bringing the Alien movies to a close.
Writer: Oh, yeah, killing off the main character mixed with the reactions we'll get from this? It'd be insane to keep these films going.
(Cut to a shot of an article from Screen Rant about the Alien franchise with the title: "Alien: Covenant Sequel Reportedly Being Written, Ridley Scott to Direct"; then the intro plays)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Alien changed the way we look at sci-fi horror.
(A montage of posters for sci-fi horror movies are shown, including Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Forbidden Planet, and The Stepford Wives)
NC (vo): While they were certainly mature sci-fi horror films before, they often had kind of a corny vibe, and most of them, not unfoundedly so, focused more on ideas rather than the monster. The ones that focused on the monster...
(A collage of B-movie posters appears in the corner: When Worlds Collide, The Man From Planet X, Rocketship X-M, and Project Moonbase)
NC (vo): ...were usually over-the-top B-movies.
(Cut to a clip of Bee Movie)
Barry Benson (Jerry Seinfeld): You like jazz?
NC: (leaning forward) NO!
(Barry explodes, then cut to footage of Alien)
NC (vo): Alien both focused on the monster and...didn't focus on it, keeping it in the shadows and having the way it procreates be as terrifying as the monster itself. It was slow, patient, dripping with atmosphere, and above all, scary.
NC: Aliens was more than a worthy followup.
(Footage of this movie is shown)
NC (vo): Though having more of an action-themed focus, it was still intense, gory, scary as hell, and upping the nightmares with not just more than one alien, but an alien queen, not only giving us a ton more of these monsters, but also one of the most kick-ass sequels ever made.
NC: Then they made what everybody declared the worst of the Alien movies at the time, Alien 3. (nods) God, how blissfully ignorant we were.
(Posters for later sequels pop up as he says this: Alien Resurrection, Prometheus, Alien: Covenant, and Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem; NC shakes his head. Cut to the title of Alien 3 and then to footage of the film)
NC (vo): Alien 3 was by far the biggest risk the Alien movies had ever taken. Yeah, I know the others are worse in making even bigger screw-ups, but following the heels of not only one of the best sci-fi horror films ever made, but also one of the best sequels ever made, this movie did not want to play it safe. On the one hand, I kind of respect that, trying not to get old and stale on the same formula.
NC: What I don't respect is, somehow, it still got old and stale on the same formula! How is that possible when you make so many unconventional moves?!
(Footage of Aliens is shown, alongside Alien 3)
NC (vo): Honestly, this isn't surprising, as the movie was in development hell for a long time. The original sequel, believe it or not, focused more on Michael Biehn as Hicks, rather than [Sigourney] Weaver as Ripley, and was gonna be shot as two movies back-to-back. But the studio [20th Century Fox] wasn't liking the script that had the simple sum-up of the Weyland Corporation facing off with a militarily-aggressive culture of humans whose rigid socialist ideology has caused them to separate from Earth's society.
NC: Yeah, put that on a poster!
(A shot of the Alien 3 poster appears in the corner, along with the very message that NC mentioned about the aforementioned sum-up that the studio didn't like; cut to a shot of an unproduced screenplay of Alien 3 as a comic book, courtesy of Dark Horse Comics)
NC (vo): The next try at the script involved the aliens coming to Earth and everyday people rising up to stop them, escaping a domesticated biodome city. The story and characters seemed dry, though, and failed to grab most people who read it.
(Two more illustrations of different concepts of the story in book form are shown, with NC describing them)
NC (vo): The next involved being trapped on a monastery with monks. The one after that involved being trapped on a prison planet.
NC: Unable to choose and with time running out, they just decided, (slaps hands together) "Do 'em both!"
(More footage of the movie is shown)
NC (vo): As well as change one big element back to form: Ripley had to be the focus. As the Fox president at the time pointed out, not only was she the face associated with Alien, but she was one of the few female action stars everyone could get behind.
NC (vo): Nowadays, there's a lot more...
(Cut back to Ripley)
NC (vo): ...but back then, this was kind of a rare and, honestly, profitable selling point. Weaver agreed, but only under one condition: Ripley had to die.
(Cut back to a shot of the book illustration, in which Ripley is only seen in shadow)
NC (vo): She actually had no problem being a cameo in the other versions of the script, as she felt the character would hold back where the Alien story could go.
(Back to the film again)
NC (vo): Thus, they agreed that Ripley would be axed off so that new territory could be explored.
NC: (pauses, then gives an OK sign) Super work!
(As he says this, a shot of the poster for Alien: Resurrection, starring Weaver, appears in the corner)
NC (vo): The story now was heavily symbolic, with the monks thinking that the alien was the devil, having them betray Ripley, thinking she's the cause of all their misery, and Ripley sacrificing herself to save them all from evil. Sound familiar?
NC: (scoffs) Yeah, who hasn't read (shot of the following appears in the corner...) "Siddhartha"?
NC (vo): An interesting idea, but being out of time and bleeding money, they started filming without a finished script and got newcomer David Fincher to begin directing. With all these ideas that nobody was satisfied with, can we really be surprised we got an Alien sequel nobody was satisfied with?
NC: Well, let's take a look and see what the damage is. This is – I think everyone would agree – the unfinished Alien 3. (nods)
(The 20th Century Fox logo appears and the camera zooms in on it)
NC (vo): You know a film's in trouble when even the Fox logo seems confused what it's supposed to be.
(The logo's fanfare plays, but before it finishes, it abruptly holds on a note for a very long time as the screen fades out and the fanfare just stops right then and there without finishing)
NC: It's almost as if it realized it was in Alien 3 and was like...
(Cut back to the Fox logo, which suddenly sports cartoon eyes and a mouth)
Fox Logo (voiced by Doug): Oh, hell, no, I'm gettin' outta this shit! (The logo zips away, leaving only the searchlights)
(The opening is shown, alternating between opening footage and the credits)
NC (vo): The opening, honestly, sets the uneven feel of the entire movie, as we see an alien egg on board Ripley's ship trying to break open the cryogenic pod. This is going to be the last time we see many of these major players from the last film alive. But it seems more interested in showing who the costume designers were than what happens to the people you spent a whole movie worrying about!
Ship computer: Stasis interrupted. (The alien appears on the screen)
NC (vo): Oh, no, the Alien's on her–
(The scene is interrupted as the credits cut in, now displaying the credit for alien effects, which were designed and created by Alec Gillis and Tom Woodruff, Jr.)
NC (vo; awkwardly): Oh, good to know who designed the alien effects.
NC: (shifty-eyed) Can you...maybe cut back to the people I'm invested in?
(Suddenly, there is an explosion on the ship and Ripley tosses and turns as the computer shows her body's brain flashing red)
NC (vo): Oh, my God, what's happening to her?!
(Cut suddenly to another credit: "Edited by Terry Rawlings")
NC (vo; grunts in frustration): Editing! Cool, great! Can I see how you're gonna rip my heart out, please?!
(Suddenly, a fire rages through the ship)
NC (vo): Jesus Christ, it's on fire!
(Cut to another credit: "Director of Photography: Alex Thomson, B.S.C.")
NC (vo): (anguished) I DON'T CARE WHO THE DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY IS!!
NC: If you can't induce suspense in your opening minutes, WHAT CHANCE DOES THE REST OF THE MOVIE HAVE?!?
(The ship is seen tumbling through space toward Earth, while on-screen text appears reading: "Fiorna "Fury" 161 - Outer-Veil Mineral Ore Refinery - Double Y Chromosome-Work Correctional Facility")
NC (vo): No, please, don't you want to say who did catering? Who shaved Weaver's head? Who will be apologizing for Ridley Scott prequels?!
(As he makes the aforementioned remarks, a shot of Scott appears, accompanied by the phrase: "NOT ME". In the movie, computer text at Fiorna 161 comes up, displaying that Ripley (accompanied by a low-res image of her (it is the early 1990s, after all)) is a class C prisoner)
NC (vo): Ah, gotta love that Apple II technology...OF THE FUTURE! (The words "THE FUTURE" appear on screen as he says this)
NC: Why do I suddenly think the alien will make everyone die of dysentery?
NC (vo): The escape pod is discovered by a group of men, as well as a fake-out...
(In the film, one of the men gets startled as something drops down from the ceiling behind him; it's not an alien, however, but an oxygen mask, which he throws down in disgust)
NC: (flailing his arms around) MASK!!
NC (vo): ...as we get arguably the most audience-pissing-off moment in the Alien movies – again, for a while: all the characters who survived the last film, dead.
NC: Now, on the one hand, that kinda takes balls to do.
NC (vo): I mean, this is still horror...
(A montage of shots of images from other horror movies is shown: Night of the Living Dead, Scream, The Thing, Psycho, A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, Scream 2)
NC (vo): ...a genre where you can kill off main characters by the end or even by the halfway point. And characters from previous films have died in sequels before and it didn't seem particularly out of place.
(Cut back to Alien 3)
NC (vo): Yet somehow, this one does.
NC: I think a big part of that is, not only did the Alien films elevate sci-fi monster movies, but it also elevated relationships in sci-fi monster movies.
(Cut to a shot of Psycho)
NC (vo): If the main lead in Psycho dies, eh, she's kind of a crook anyway.
(Cut to a shot of Nightmare On Elm Street)
NC (vo): If the main lead in Nightmare On Elm Street dies, she was honestly still a basic disposable teen.
(Cut to another shot of Psycho: the legendary shower murder scene)
NC (vo): These are surprising deaths, but they still fit the tone and story they're telling.
(Cut back to Alien 3)
NC (vo): This doesn't. The almost-family relationship that was being developed between Ripley, Newt and Hicks had a lot of charm, yet still gritty realism. It's filmed so that we don't want to see these characters die...
NC (vo): ...unlike a lot of other sci-fi horror films, where you're just waiting for the victims to be picked off.
(Shots of the first two Alien movies are shown)
NC (vo): Alien and Aliens were about hope of survival, even when it looks like there's none.
(Back to Alien 3)
NC (vo): Now, not only do we start off with a complete opposite idea of focusing more on a nihilistic approach, but it's done out of nowhere. We don't even get a goodbye scene; they're just dead! Christ, it was done during the CREDITS!!
NC: How would you like it if you found out you played a character in which a whole movie is based on you surviving... and your death...
(Cut to another opening credit, in this case that the film is produced by Gordon Carroll, David Giler and Walter Hill)
NC (vo): ...isn't as important as the producer credit?!
NC: (pointing to himself) I'D BE PISSED–
(Suddenly, he is cut off by a gunshot through his head! Cut to the end credits, showing Rob Walker's name, credit as producer, and accompanying image, along with a message below reading: "My show now BITCHES!"; cut back to the movie)
NC (vo): Something more in keeping with the movies would be maybe Hicks wakes up and dies by the alien later, guns a-blazing. Or maybe there's a malfunction in Newt's pod, causing her to age, so you can still use the original actress and... for some reason you do need to kill her off, have her sacrifice herself to the alien to save Ripley, maybe inspiring Ripley to sacrifice herself later.
NC: You see how these choices are dark, but they still stay true to the tone of the Alien movies created?
NC (vo): That's what was needed here. It's not that they died, it's that it impacted nothing, insulting everything the previous films were trying to do. But hell with that! We need amazing writing that utilizes the laziest exposition line ever!
NC: That's right: "As you know"!
Andrews (Brian Glover): Here are the facts. As some of you know- (Suddenly, he gets blown up as he speaks)
NC: Wait... Only a half-explosion...
NC (vo): ...on that one.
(The explosion is shown again, only this time with only half of Andrew's body blowing up)
NC: He did say, "As some of you know...", which leaves a little wiggle room for horseshit.
Andrews: The survivor is a woman. (The crowd he's addressing laughs)
NC (vo): So, the setup is... confusing, to say the least. Apparently, this is a prison, but it's also a heavily religious prison, where they're celibate, there's no weapons, and the prisoners and guards see absolutely no problem with this.
(Ripley, now with a shaved head, talks to Andrews in his office)
Ripley: This is a maximum-security prison, and you have no weapons?
Andrews: We're on the honor system.
NC (vo): Yeah, that was said as a legitimate line in an Alien movie. An entire prison is on the honor system. If you're in prison, you can't be trusted with the honor system! It's why you're in prison!! Do they really think this is how jails in the future are going to work?!
(Cut to a sketch with a futuristic prison, where Doug plays a prison guard and Malcolm plays a grinning prisoner named Harry, who gets some instructions from the guard about his new inmate, played by Jim)
Guard: Now, Harry, I want you to be kind to your new cellmate, and don't kill him like you've killed dozens of people in the past.
(The guard tries to leave and goes closer to the camera. Behind his shoulder appears some blood. As the guard turns around, Harry's inmate was killed. His head lies on the table and his body is splattered on the wall)
Guard: You killed him, didn't you?
Harry: I did.
Guard: Well, here is a beautiful woman to take his place. Do not have relations with her.
(Tamara enters the scene. She acts flirtatious towards Harry. The guard tries to leave again, but he turns around and sees that Harry and Tamara had a relation. Tamara is covered in a bed sheet and Harry has taken of his jacket. Both of them are smoking)
Guard: You had relations with that woman, didn't you?
Harry: I did.
Guard: Well...feel free to roam around the prison, just don't do anything destructive.
(The guard tries to leave, but than an explosion erupts behind him. After he turned around, the wall behind Harry was destroyed by Harry, who still holds the remote for the bomb, as Tamara has disappeared)
Guard: You did all those things I said, didn't you?
Harry: I did.
Guard: (ponders for a moment) This prison sucks.
(Back to the movie, Ripley lies in a hospital bed inside the prison and gets treated by Dr. Jonathan Clemens, who prepares a syringe for her)
NC (vo): So Ripley is woken up by a doctor named Clemens, played by Charles Dance.
Clemens: My name is Clemens.
NC (vo; as Clemens): When you're on my watch, it's Clementime. (chuckles) Been working on that one for a while. We're very bored here.
Ripley: (after being injected with a dose of the syringe) What is that?
Clemens: It's just a little cocktail of my own mix.
NC: (shakes his head) You know, maybe one of the reasons this world is so difficult to understand is everybody mumble-whispers.
(The following scenes show the characters mumbling their lines, and it is really hard to understand what they're saying at times)
Clemens: I'll give you some clippers for your private body parts.
Ripley: [How did I get] here?
Clemens: Supply ship comes every six months.
NC: (squinting) Huh? What?
(More mumble-whispering from the characters)
Clemens: There's no sign of infection.
Ripley: No chance.
NC: (putting his hand to his ear) What?
Ripley: I just wanted to...say thanks for...
(More mumble-whispering, including other movies and shows)
Lilly (Hana Mae Lee): (from Pitch Perfect) Hello, my name is Lilly Onakurarama, I was born with gills like a fish.
Ripley: Are you attracted to me?
Milton (Stephen Root): (from Office Space) And...and I told Don, too, because they've moved my desk four times.
Clemens: In what way?
Ripley: I've been out here a long time.
(Then cut to a clip from Seinfeld, with the main characters speaking in a restaurant, then back to the movie)
Ripley: I must make you nervous. / Thank you.
NC: (frustrated) Christ! Can you give us some sound?!
(Ask and you shall receive: Clemens speaks loudly as he walks inside a hangar with Ripley, still barely comprehensible, but now there's the humming and clanking of machines to obscure it as well, along with NC impatiently trying to make out what he's saying)
Clemens: Natural methane! We have a foundry! The inmates forge lead sheets for toxic waste containment!
NC: (yelling and overlapping) WHAT? WHAT?! WHAT?!?
Clemens: Stenciled on the back of your shorts.
NC: (giving up) So, yeah, that's the setting of the movie! Pretty simple, huh?!
(In the next scene an inmate named Thomas Murphy looks after a Rottweiler named Spike and sees the wounds on the dog's face, which were caused by a Facehugger)
NC (vo): One of the men, though, notices something attacked his dog.
Murphy (Christopher Fairbanks): What kind of animal would do this to a dog?
NC: (baffled by this question) Bear, lion...alligator, most. Most animals would do that to a dog.
NC (vo): Ripley insists on seeing Newt's body, when she notices acid blood on her ship.
(Ripley closes Newt's eyes and checks her throat and mouth for signs of a Facehugger attack)
NC: (Disturbed by this, leans towards the side to "another inmate", whispers) I don't know what's going on, but you should really get her away from that corpse.
(The scene of Ripley checking Newt's lips gets repeated to make it look like Ripley forms words with them)
NC (vo; as Ripley pretending to be Newt): Hi, I'm Newt. I'm still alive, and you saved me, Ripley.
NC: (as the inmate, even more disturbed) Get her away!
NC (vo; sighs): Well, that was certainly rough to get through, but at least the worst is behind us-
Ripley: We have to see inside of her.
NC: (shocked) Sweet with creamy Jesus.
(Dr. Clemens prepares everything for the operation and takes out a saw to cut Newt open. Ripley watches the process of Newt being dissected, but it is hard for her to look at this)
NC (vo): So, um...Newt's open, everybody. Aren't you glad you didn't stop at the second one? Look at all you would've missed, you psycho!
Clemens: It turned out all right. There's no sign of contagion involved.
(Newt and Hicks' bodies are wrapped in cloths and are tossed into the lava by the inmates as a funeral ceremony, as the Xenomorph inside the dog starts to hatch)
NC (vo): So... (sighs) ...now that we've lost everybody watching, they decide to toss the bodies into the fire, while the alien inside the dog starts to give birth.
(The faces of Ripley, Dillon and Clemens are seen together)
NC (vo; singing, imitating The Doors' "The End"): This is the end. My Ali-en, the end.
(Leonard Dillon, the leader of the religious cult, enters the scene)
Dillon (Charles S. Dutton): Why the innocent punished? Why the sacrifice? Why the pain?
NC: (as the director) Um, Mister Dutton, you're going off script. (offscreen, as Dutton, to a scared director) No, I want answers for this damn movie! Why the sacrifice, why the pain?!
NC (vo): So you know how this goes. The alien bursts out like a little dildo with teeth and over time grows big...
(The scene from the Alien bursting out of Kane's chest from the first movie is shown. After that, we cut back to this movie, where the Xenomorph, known as the Dragon, has already outgrown the dog, causing it to explode from inside)
NC (vo): ...or he's already the size of the animal he came out off.
NC: (Waves his hand) Dog aliens do that. (Nods for a moment) And faster...
(A scene from later is shown, where it is revealed that Ripley was the one who got infected by a Facehugger)
NC (vo): ...seeing how Ripley was infected before the dog was, and they showed it usually takes about a day to burst, but his jumped out beforehand and her still takes...oh, how long did they said it would take the rescue to arrive?
(Cut to a scene from before)
Andrews: Hopefully they'll be here inside of a week.
NC (vo): And when rescue does arrive, that's when the alien comes out!
NC: Did some of these eggs miss school when the birthing process was being taught?
(Cut to a Photoshopped classroom with a Xenomorph as the teacher and the eggs on the student desks. Back to the movie, Ripley has shaved her head and looks at herself through a mirror, after wiping the moisture away with her hand)
NC (vo): Ripley shaves her head, and at the very least, you might be thinking "Though it's not better, at least this Alien movie is a little different. Different location, different characters, even different hair style". Well, it quickly goes back to not just the Alien formula we've seen before, but just the Monster formula we've seen before.
NC: Ripley, once again, is the odd one out.
(The scenes from the original three movies that prove NC's arguments are shown)
NC (vo): In the first one, she's a stick-in-the-mud, in the second, she's the crazy lady, and in this one, she's the woman in an all-male prison. (in a sarcastic voice) Guess she has to prove herself once more.
Dillon: You see, we've got a good place to wait here. And until now, no temptation.
NC: (rubbing his temple) Again, not to bring up old wounds, but how cool would it be if Newt was there?
(The scenes with Newt from the second movie are shown)
NC (vo): Again, you could say her pod was broken, so she is older, but she's been asleep through the aging process. So not only does she learn from Ripley how to grow up, but Ripley has somebody to talk to and maybe pass the Alien ass-kicking torch to if something happened to her. Also, a kid is trapped in a prison, that ups the tension so much more! (Cut back to the cantina scene from this movie) It's such a missed opportunity to do something different while still keeping true to the Alien spirit. But nope, Ripley is just outcast again, and instead of a person we got to know getting killed off first (Kane) like in the other movies, it's just some asshole we've never seen, like in every other film. (in a sarcastic voice) Oh, no, not some asshole!
(Murphy (who we actually saw in an earlier scene with his dog) finds the Dragon in the ventilation system, thinking it's his dog, and gets attacked by it causing him to be killed by the ventilation system)
NC (vo; as the Dragon): Prepare to meet your biggest fan! (chuckles) I'll be here all night, because I'm gonna kill you all.
(Clemens talks with Ripley, as this conversation is followed by another inmate in a higher level)
Clemens: Dillon and the rest embraced religion.
NC (vo): So, seeing how the religion seems to be taken so seriously by the prisoners, it probably makes sense to really dive in to how it works.
Ripley: What kind of religion?
Clemens: Some sort of apocalyptic, millenarian, Christian, fundamentalist, um...
NC: (smiling) Hope you enjoyed that.
NC (vo): The world-building in this is about as steady as (picture of...) an elephant on a beach ball.
NC: Except if he fell, he wouldn't go out on a roar, he'd go out on a whisper!
Ripley: Are you attracted to me?
Clemens: In what way?
NC: (Holding one hand on his ear) WHAT!?
(Ripley and Clemens are lying together in a bed)
NC (vo; as Ripley): Hey, my practically adopted daughter just died. Wanna bone?
Clemens: I really appreciate your affections.
NC: (waves his hand) Well, thank God this isn't a generic bad horror film, or else they'd both be marked for death... Oh, wait!
Voice over speaker: We've had an accident. One of our prisoners has been...diced.
Clemens: I have to go.
NC (vo; as Ripley): Oh, like all men, wham, bam, thank you, prisoner who's been diced.
(Clemens and Dillon are seen looking down a shaft to a fan at the bottom)
Dillon: Who was it?
Dillon: How do you know?!
Clemens: (looking at a boot off to the side) That's his boot.
NC: (as Clemens) I know all prisoners' boots. Don't judge, I'm trying to get help.
NC (vo): Ripley fears the worst as she investigates her ship, while Clemens has a talk with the superintendent. I hear they're having steamed hams.
Andrews: How would you like to explain your story to Ripley? Your newfound friend. Now sit the hell down. (hands him a hot drink)
NC (vo; as Andrews): Here, have a cup of hot Murphy. It's made with fresh Eye of Newt. (normal) Ripley then gets the idea to go looking for what's left of Bishop.
(Ripley comes across a pile, with Bishop's corpse buried underneath and his hand extended outward)
NC (vo; chuckles): Raise your hand if you know this movie's gonna bomb.
(Ripley moves the body over to get a good look; it's a particularly gruesome shot)
NC (vo): Whoa!
NC: The Alita sequel does not look promising. (shakes head)
NC (vo): Hey, what's the downside of having prisoners roam free again?
(One prisoner grabs Ripley and drapes her over a railing so that several other prisoners can gang up on her, all while rock music plays in the background)
NC: (stunned) I know I want rock music playing while horrific gangbang is about to happen!
NC (vo): One of the prisoners named Dillon saves her, as Ripley gets at least one good punch in.
(Ripley punches one of the prisoners, even though they are several feet away from each other)
NC: I mean...it was several feet away, but it was still a good punch.
NC (vo): Hey, look, three guys alone, who we also don't know. I'm sure they'll be fine.
Rains: What the hell is going on with the candles?
Boggs: Must be the wind, blowing in the vent shaft.
(NC sits there awkwardly, then takes out his cell phone, dials a number and puts it to his ear. Cut to an old man (played by Malcolm) with a sign reading "WIND" taped to his shirt, sitting in the another room. His phone rings and he answers it)
Old man: Hello?
(The next part alternates between the two)
NC: Hi, Wind? I don't know for sure, but I might finally have a role for you.
Wind: Oh, thank goodness! Do you know how many times in a movie they're all like, "It's the wind, it's the wind"?
NC: Yeah, yeah...
Wind: But it never really is the wind, is it? It's always some big, ugly monster they're too stupid to notice.
NC: Well, this might finally be your big break, buddy.
Wind: Oh, thank goodness! Thank the Lord above! Oh, there's finally a job for me!
NC: Oh, wait...
(The movie shows that it isn't the wind at all...)
NC: No, no, sorry, it's a monster.
Wind: No, no! This is my time to shine! The wind will have its day!
NC: Sorry, buddy. (hangs up)
(Wind sighs and hangs up, feeling depressed. He looks offscreen)
Wind: I guess it's just you and me again, Area 51 weather balloon.
(A weather balloon (with cartoon eyes and mouth edited on) is seen in the room)
Weather balloon (voiced by Doug): (sighs sadly) No one ever believes it's me.
(The movie resumes)
NC (vo): The alien Gallaghers their heads, as Ripley figures out how to hot-wire Bishop.
(Ripley succeeds in reviving Bishop's corpse, Frankenstein-style, with wires)
NC: (as Bishop) This isn't Silicon Heaven.
NC (vo): I have to admit, the effect on Bishop is pretty damn impressive, even by today. It really took me a while to figure out this was an animatronic and not a person. And even when you do figure it out, it kind of makes sense: it's a broken robot; it would move like an animatronic. But the downside is, everything he says we already know, so the scene is mostly pointless.
Ripley: Why were our cryo tubes ejected?
Computer: File in cryogenic compartment.
NC: Yeah, I know.
Ripley: What started the fire, Bishop?
Bishop: [It was] in the subflooring.
NC: (slightly annoyed) I know!
Ripley: Was there an alien on board?
NC: (swaying head around) I know!
Ripley: Did it come with us in the evening?
Bishop: It was with us all the way.
NC: (literally exploding with fire raging around him, a la Hades from Hercules) I KNOW!! (calms down) I know, I got it. (rubs fingers together) I got the concept.
NC (vo): She does figure out that the Weyland Industry is aware, and they're probably coming for it. Here's a great edit...
(Andrews is seen, and the screen suddenly goes black briefly (with a buzzing sound) before cutting back in on Ripley, who hears something Bishop says, but like everything else, it's too soft to make out)
NC: It's the "Did I get..."
(The scene replays again)
NC (vo): "...a shot of the lens cap?"
NC: (waving dismissively) "Oh, who cares?"
NC (vo): "We advent-calendared (image of advent calendar appears briefly) Newt's body..."
NC: "...everyone's gonna hate us anyway" edit.
Ripley: Isn't there any way off of this place?
Clemens: No. They are sending somebody to pick you up quite soon.
NC: (surprised) What, they're just now telling her this?!
NC (vo): "Oh, yeah, you're stuck on a planet where a bunch of guys try to force themselves on you. Oh, by the way, you did want to know if there was a way OUT OF HERE, did you?"
NC: "Well, I was gonna wait and tell you until after you left, but..."
NC (vo): And because this film likes to kill the only likeable people in the series...
(A Xenomorph seizes Clemens and kills him, much to Ripley's horror)
NC: (as Clemens) At least let me die on this shitter, being cross-bowed by a dwarf. It's more dignified.
(The Xenomorph then advances on Ripley)
NC (vo; as Xenomorph): It's cool, baby. Just getting the shot for the trailer... (Xenomorph breathes on Ripley's ear...then leaves, not hurting her) And we're good. Let me know how Joss Whedon makes the next one even worse! (normal) Ripley tries to warn everyone, but they find out themselves okay.
(Andrews gets captured by a Xenomorph)
NC: (as this inmate) Ripley and the doctor were like the only character I remember in this film! (looks around) What are our names again?!
(And with that, we go to commercial break. Upon return, the movie resumes)
NC (vo): So it looks like it's only Ripley and the prisoners who are left. Boy, this is gonna be intense, given their last encounter. Or it's never mentioned.
Inmate: (to Dillon) You take charge.
Dillon: I'm not the officer type.
NC (vo): The group wants Dillon to be the leader, but he's not interested, so he suggests Ripley.
Dillon: Hey, sister, what about you? You're an officer; how about showing us a little leadership?
NC: (as Dillon) It's gonna take Fincher three more years (The poster of Seven appears in the corner) to figure out what he's doing. We need a real leader!
Ripley: I haven't seen one exactly like this before. (looks toward an inmate) He moves differently.
(This inmate kicks his foot on a railing)
NC (vo; as the inmate): Oh, I hate moving differently!
Ripley: The others were afraid of fire.
NC (vo): So they plan to trap it in the toxic waste disposal, displayed here like the entrance to a haunted roller coaster, but not everyone believes in Ripley, especially those who just a second ago believed in Ripley.
Dillon: Why should we put our asses on the line for you?
NC: Oh, maybe because literally FIVE MINUTES AGO, YOU WERE SUGGESTING THAT?!
(Cut to five minutes ago)
Dillon: How about showing us a little leadership?
(Cut back five minutes later)
Dillon: Why should we put our asses on the line for you?
NC: (looking offscreen) What's that, mother? (Beat) Yeah, she does look like one of our stuffed birds.
NC (vo): People reaching for things in horror films always live, right?
(Suddenly, a Xenomorph catches one of the inmates, who accidentally causes a premature explosion that burns several inmates alive)
NC: (mock alarm) Oh, no! There goes...
(A clip is shown of one inmate getting burned)
NC (vo): ...that bald guy whose name we didn't know!
NC: (looking to his right) There goes that bald guy...
(Another inmate is getting burned)
NC (vo): ...whose name we didn't know!
NC: (gasps, looks to his left) There goes...
(A third inmate is getting burned alive)
NC (vo): ...that bald guy whose name we didn't know!
NC: OH, THE HUMANITY! THE COMPLETE LACK OF HUMANITY!
(Ripley hides behind a wall and makes an audible cough. Cut to her being scanned in an escape pod by Andrews' assistant, Aaron, and the latter discovers the embryo of a Xenomorph queen growing inside her, as displayed on a monitor)
NC (vo): Ripley partakes in yet another tired horror film cliche: if you coughed even once, bitch, you're dead.
Ripley: What is it? (Aaron is stunned)
NC: (as Aaron) Congratulations, it's an...it.
Ripley: (heavily breathing) What does it look like?
NC: Like the penis of...
(A shot of Jaws from You Only Live Twice is shown with the monitor display)
NC (vo): ...Jaws from those James Bond movies. Ripley's knowledge that there's one inside her causes her to start seeing it everywhere.
(Ripley goes to the ship's pipes and grabs the free one, looking around in disturbance)
NC (vo; as Xenomorph): Oh, yeah, a pipe will kill me. That's the classic story, isn't it? Giant alien killed by a metal pipe? Play a video game!
(The Xenomorph reveals himself, jumps down to Ripley, covering the camera...and cut to Ripley speaking to Dillon)
NC (vo): The real alien approaches, though, and they care so little about what happens to her, they don't even show her running away.
NC: (confused) Isn't that, like, half of what a horror film is, running away from the threat?
NC (vo): She thinks because there's one inside, it won't hurt her, so she asks Dillon to kill her off. (beat) Wait. Wouldn't it make more sense if she helped them first because...that's her whole thing, she doesn't want others to die from it? Well, they do come to that realization, right after this totally convincing fake-out. Yeah, everyone will be talking about the epic way Ripley goes, by random dude with axe.
(Ripley holds to the prison cell's bars, her back turned to Dillon, so he could cut her head off. However, Dillon deliberately misses her)
NC: Alien 3, even you're not that stupid.
Dillon: I don't like losing a fight.
(Ripley and the inmates form a plan to lure the alien into the foundry's molding facility, trap it via a series of closing doors, and drown it in molten lead)
NC (vo): They, of course, agree to hunt it together by, again, trying to trap it in a giant room and pour hot lead on it. Special effects budget slash in three, two...
(A prisoner named Robert Morse throws a firework at the Xenomorph on the ceiling, and the lighting reveals the alien's blatant CGI animation)
NC: (groans, shaking head) Ohh, that's unfortunate.
NC (vo): Now you might be wondering: how can this look so bad when the aliens from the other movies looked so good? Well, I guess the idea was, they were using blue screen keying so that the puppeteer can make him move more animal-like. If it was done today, a computer could blend the lines in a lot better and also color-correct. But, as is, it looks like someone starved the stop-motion (shots of...) Zuul dogs and gave them vodka instead of water.
Morse: Come and get me, you fucker! (closes the metal door) It's in Channel B!
(The disturbed Xenomorph starts chasing everybody down the metal passageway)
NC: (hand on cheek) You know, one of the reasons this climax isn't suspenseful is, we have no idea where anything is.
NC (vo): Granted, in the original, the people couldn't always make out where they were, but it was from their point of view, so that made it scary. Here, it's mostly from the alien's point of view. So if we don't know where he is, we really don't care. Is the alien close to being caught, is he supposed to go down this way? The place is a maze, so any fear of where he is or isn't supposed to be is completely lost. You could literally show them anywhere, and it wouldn't matter.
(Cut to a skit featuring Tamara and Malcolm communicating via walkie-talkies in a spaceship)
Tamara: Is that alien behind you?
Malcolm: Yeah. Where do I go?
Tamara: Take a right.
(Malcolm runs off and to another part of a spaceship)
Malcolm: Okay, now where?
Tamara: (via walkie-talkie) Left.
(Malcolm runs off...and finds himself in Egypt)
Malcolm: Okay, now where?
Tamara: (via walkie-talkie) Another left.
(Malcolm resumes running...and he's now on the moon)
Malcolm: Okay, now where?
Tamara: (via walkie-talkie) Right.
(Malcolm runs...to the same room where he started communicating. He's facing...an alien with Tamara's voice)
Alien: Congratulations! You made it.
(The alien attacks Malcolm offscreen)
Malcolm: (grunts and yells in pain) Oh, I kinda like that... (continues screaming)
(Back to the film, everybody except Dillon and Morse are killed, and Dillon and Ripley are in a narrowed room as the Xenomorph approaches them)
NC (vo): They finally lure him into position, when the obviously doomed person stays behind to be a sacrifice. (Beat) I'm, of course, talking about Dillon.
Ripley: (climbing up) Dillon!
Dillion: I've got to hold it here.
NC (vo): I guess technically the alien wouldn't chase Ripley, seeing how he has no interest in her, so Dillon himself as bait, so the alien doesn't climb up, but that's...not really how they explain it.
(Cut to the beginning of this scene)
Ripley: I'm staying.
Dillon: Bullshit! We got a deal! Remember?! It dies first, then you! I'm not gonna move without you!
NC: (baffled) What sense does that make?
NC (vo): Why doesn't he just say "The alien will follow me out, so I have to stay here"?
(Cut to a snippet from the beginning skit)
Writer: I don't know.
NC: Fair enough.
(Dillon is killed. Morse pours the molten lead onto the Xenomorph. Although the alien is covered in molten metal, it escapes the mold)
NC (vo): The lead is finally poured on the alien. But, oh, no. The lead just makes him stronger!
(Ripley activates the fire sprinklers, causing the Xenomorph's molten metal exoskeleton to cool rapidly and shatter, blowing it apart)
NC (vo): The sprinklers are dropped on him, though, apparently blowing him to smithereens.
(Ripley is exhausted)
T-800: (audio, from Terminator 2) I need a vacation.
(The Weyland–Yutani team arrives, including scientists, heavily armed commandos and a man who looks identical to Bishop)
NC (vo): But Weyland shows up, played also by Lance Hendricksen, who's apparently too rich to wear a hazmat suit.
Bishop II: The company sent me here to show you a friendly face. To demonstrate how important you are to us.
NC: (as Bishop II) They also kinda sent me in the past in a parallel universe... (gives up, speaking normally) Who knows anymore with these movies?
NC (vo): Ripley knows they won't destroy the alien inside her, even though they say they can take it out, letting her live. So she decides to take matters into her own hands. Or rather...T2's hands, but everybody's made that joke.
(Ripley steps back onto a mobile platform, which Morse positions over the furnace. The Weyland–Yutani team shoot Morse in the leg in an attempt to stop him)
NC (vo): They shoot the guy controlling the rig and...I guess, ran out of bullets, because they never try again, and Ripley launches herself into the orange abyss.
(Ripley closes her eyes and throws herself into the furnace as a Xenomorph queen pops up from her chest)
NC (vo; as a Xenomorph queen): Hey, there. You got a movie for me? Oh, worst mother ever!
(Morse is the sole survivor. As he's led away, he snickers at this fact and that Ripley won't do anything for the Weyland-Yutani)
Soldier: Come on, you.
NC: (as Morse) Oh, come on, it's kinda funny. She was alive, now she's dead. It works on so many levels!
(Ripley's recording from the first film plays in the EEV's cryogenic pod)
Ripley: (in the recording) This is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off.
(The film ends)
NC: Well, that's...definitely what the audience did, too.
(The clips are shown for the final time as NC gives his final thoughts on the movie)
NC (vo): Alien 3 was not a critical or box-office hit in the States. I think a lot of that is because it kind of does the opposite of what a sequel is supposed to do. Rather than add, it takes away. It takes away characters, it takes away number of monsters, it takes away ideas, and therefore, it takes away our interests. Have the movie been more thought-out and given more weight to the choices made, perhaps it could have worked. In fact, there's apparently an extended cut that did take its time more and tried to fix some of the problems. But it's still a messy production that resulted in a messy movie, whether it's the shorter cut or the longer cut. It's nowhere near the worst Alien movie, but it's nowhere near a good one either.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
(He gets up and leaves to his right. Cut to Wind in his room, still looking solemn, as NC passes by and stops)
NC: Be strong, Wind. Be strong.
(Wind sobs softly as NC leaves)
Channel Awesome tagline - Clemens: Apocalyptic, millenarian, Christian, fundamentalist, um...