(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from Alien: Romulus. We're briefly shown a made-up thumbnail of a Disneycember video focusing on the 1979 film Alien)
Doug (vo): So we go from me saying, "I don't want to review old Fox movies because I thought it'd be weird seeing the Alien title against the Disneycember logo", and now, here we are, reviewing Alien: Romulus for Disneycember. I guess it comes full circle...which I guess is fitting, because I think that's what this movie's trying to do. Alien: Romulus is definitely trying to capture that old-school feel of the original two Alien movies, and I'm very appreciative for that. The director did the Evil Dead remake, which, like a lot of people, I was saying, "Oh, my God, why are they even remaking this? This is pointless." But he actually did a pretty good job, and breathed new life into it, turned it into something new, but still kept true to what the original was. So, I was excited to see if he could do the same thing with Alien, which, in my opinion, there hasn't really been a good Alien movie since the second one. I admit I do have a soft spot for Alien vs. Predator, but I'm not gonna say it's objectively good. So, I went into this movie with high hopes, and did it deliver? Um...no, but...I will say, if you're an Alien fan, you should probably still see this flick, 'cause there's a handful of things in it that are so good, and so keep in connection with just about everything from the Alien franchise, even the bad stuff, that I think, for many fans, it might be enough.
Story[]
Doug (vo): The plot, which is both really simple and really complicated at the same time, is centered around a group of young people who live on this planet that doesn't have any sun. It's mainly a mining planet and they're sick of working there, but every time they try to get off, the people in charge change the rules, and it looks like they have to stay there even longer. So they find a way to sneak aboard another ship that's gonna go to another planet, but along the way, they stumble across an abandoned space station, and...yeah, I don't know how nobody else didn't find this station, or maybe they did and they're covering it up. Like I said, it's kind of confusing. But you know the drill. The station is abandoned because there's an alien onboard. They, of course, don't know this, go probing around, and, of course, run across some of the aliens, who also go probing around. From this point on, it's basically all the stuff you've seen in the other Alien movies. The facehuggers get on your face, they impregnate you, little dicks with teeth are popping out of your chest, and then they turn into big dicks with teeth, and people scream and yell, lights flicker, and every time you think it's over, it's never over. Rinse, repeat, and if you're sick of seeing that, I don't know if this film's gonna win you over.
Review[]
Doug (vo): Okay, so I said there's a handful of things that make this film worth watching if you're an Alien fan, and while, yes, a lot of it is stuff you've seen before, some of it is done so damn well. Like, my God, I love this future. The first two Alien films have a very clear visual style, and, yes, they're a little different. The first one's more focused on horror, the second one more focused on action. And this film does a great job expanding on that future while not over-expanding. It's still kind of that 80s retro future, like, everything's still dirty and dark, but a lot of it's also really there. I loved looking at these sets, I loved looking at the lighting, I loved looking at all the little gears and buttons and the shadows and the dirt. And between this and Beetlejuice 2, it's just so nice seeing movies where they're really building stuff again. Like, it's stuff that you feel like you can reach out and touch, because you can. They really built this stuff. It's so much better than all these other movies that are saying they're the most expensive movies ever made, yet they look so fake and flat. I would swear this cost more than Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny or, like, any of the more recent Jurassic World movies.
(Clips focusing on the android named Andy are shown)
Doug (vo): I also think it has my favorite android out of any of these movies. Now, again, I don't think they really got any good androids after 2. I mean, the one in Prometheus, I guess is all right. But with this one, they do a robot Flowers for Algernon. He starts off very simple and low-functioning, which, yes, we've seen that in other movies, but we haven't really seen it in the Alien universe. We're so used to the androids being so well-built, we just mistake them for people. In fact, that's what happens in the first film. And I kind of like now we're seeing one that's just not quite as fast or complicated, but he's still very likeable, even if he does do a few too many bad dad jokes. Yeah, I'm getting sick of this trope in movies. But then halfway through the film, he gets an upgrade, and he's a lot smarter, but he's also a lot colder. And you don't really know if you can trust him or not. There's a point in the movie where you feel like you're his hostage, but you're not really. It's that nice in-between where you don't know whether this is a good guy or a bad guy, or if he's gonna help you or turn on you. And he's played really, really well.
(Several clips focusing on the alien creatures are shown)
Doug (vo): And finally, I'll say some of these movies deal with the idea of, like, combining certain elements of aliens with different creatures and animals and creating something new, and none of them ever quite got it right. And while I can't say this one really gets it that right either, it probably comes the closest. Without giving away too much, there's a cool creature in this movie that's something new, that we haven't seen, and it's pretty damn creepy. I don't know. Maybe it's not gonna freak everybody out, but I just loved and hated looking at this thing, because it was so creative, but it was also just so unpleasant to look at. I really feel like this is what an alien monster should be like.
(Footage focusing on the characters is shown)
Doug (vo): Aside from that, though, yeah, the movie's pretty generic. And I think a lot of that is centered around the characters, who aren't bad, like, none of them are annoying, but I was struggling to remember what their personalities were, who was related to who. Like, they'll say, "Oh, yeah, that's my cousin. Oh, yeah, that's my brother. Oh, yeah, that's my girlfriend." And I just was having a tricky time connecting them, and then, as the movie kept going, I put together it doesn't matter. Like, if someone is related to someone who dies, they might cry a little, but that's it. You can just call them all close friends, and it's pretty much the same.
(Several clips focusing on the scenes where the characters explore the ship are shown)
Doug (vo): Whenever someone got killed off, I didn't care, and I was never afraid of anything, except when they first get on that ship, and again, I think a lot of that is because it was really there. I was really afraid when they were climbing in this really tight space, kind of like when Bishop was going through that pipe in Aliens, and gravity goes off. You see this rat float, and the camera moves a little bit, and he says, "Oh, man, I can feel that in my stomach." Just that alone was enough, because again, you're really there, you're really seeing these people do these things.
(More footage focusing on the alien creatures is shown, along with various other clips)
Doug (vo): But ironically, the scares go downhill when the alien is introduced. It's either stuff you've seen before, or half the time, it is CG, and, yeah, it's done better than some of the other films, but it still doesn't look that great. Some of the scenarios are imaginative, like there's one scene where they have to float through the acid blood while there's no gravity, or another scene where the facehuggers can't really sense them because they turned down their body temperature somehow and that's how they detect them. Again, it's a little confusing, but I can follow it just enough...or, at least I thought I could. See, here's the thing. They're saying, like, well, you can't get any goosebumps, you can't get any fear, any sweat, tears, anything like that, that's gonna alert them that you're there. And that's a great idea. Man, you have to sneak through this place without being afraid. Awesome. That's fantastic. But almost right away, somebody sees a dead person and kind of freaks out, and the other person goes over to help her, and I'm like, "Well, wouldn't that have signalled them? Like, that wouldn't give you any goosebumps?" I was alerted there was a cameo in this movie that was really distracting, and for some reason, I thought it was near the end of the film, but, man, I was wrong. It's in, like, the first third, and everybody's right. It is terrible! I won't say who it is, but it just doesn't feel right. It wasn't needed. You could just create a whole new character, and it would get the job done just as well. This is just so painful, and every time this character was onscreen, I was cringing in my seat. With that said, yeah, the movie sure does love its callbacks. I mean, okay, not as bad as other movies I've seen that do these callbacks, but that pissed me off even more, because it was doing so good on its own, just feeling like it's its own story in this universe. But there's so many times where they're like, "Oh, we have to say this line, because this character said it and made it famous. Oh, we have to do this scene, because it'll remind people how scared they were when it happened in the other movie." But all I'm gonna do is think about the other movie and how much better it was done there.
Final thought[]
Doug (vo): I guess none of these are awful, but they do add up, and because I'm just not that invested while watching it, aside from the world and this android character, I got bored pretty quick. You're trying to combine all of the Alien movies, which is probably not the best idea, because they are such different styles, like, if you were to give everyone a machine gun in the first Alien, it'd be an entirely different movie. Hell, it'd be Aliens. But if you were to take all the machine guns away from Aliens, that'd be an entirely different movie. It'd be Alien. These are little differences that go a long way and really set the tone. This film is trying to combine all those tones, and they really don't mesh together. But with that said, if you are an Alien fan and you like these tropes and these visuals, and you like seeing these characters just have these facehuggers go on them and burst out of their chests, and turn this ship into a honeycomb from Hell, it's got all that. But, yeah, if you were to ask me, "Did I enjoy it throughout the majority of the flick?", not really. And the stuff that I did enjoy, I am glad I saw on the big screen, but I don't think I can say it really sprung new life back into the franchise. It's a decent attempt, hell, even an appreciated attempt. Like I said, I just love that so much of this is really there. But when you combine it with the stuff that's not there and with the characters you don't really care about and too many tones and ideas that don't always mix together, it's trying to have its cake and eat it, too, and I think it's just too many flavors. Just a couple flavors would've been enough, with maybe a new icing.
(The film's final scene, showing the Corbelan ship departing into space, is shown)