Alice in Wonderland (2010)

Alice in Wonderland
Released	March 11, 2014
Running Time	35:13
Previous Review	Ghost Dad
Next Review	TBA
Link	http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/nostalgia-critic/42567-alice-in-wonderland

(We start off with the Critic doing some spring cleaning)

NC: Why does spring cleaning always have to come after winter? The hell is this?

(NC has picked up a hard drive with the label of Old Home Movies.)

NC: Oh my God, I thought I had these destroyed after Wilsongate. Well we'll soon fix that. Where's my evidence destroying hammer?

(A strange looking creature (played by Malcolm Ray) gets NC's attention. The camera cuts to his face and then quickly to the screaming Critic)

NC: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

(Malcolm again, then Critic)

NC: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

(Malcolm, Critic)

NC: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

(...guess what happens...)

NC: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Carrotjuice: Hey, I'm Carrotjuice! Don't be upset. Today's the greatest day ever! In fact, let's give each other gifts! (yanks the hard drive out of NC's hand) YOINK!

NC: HEY!

Carrotjuice: Toodles!

(Carrotjuice dashes of with a cartoon sound effect, while NC tries to chase him)

NC: Get back here, you evil Nesquik bunny! (NC gets sucked into some sort of hole) WOAH!

(Cut to NC falling down into someplace)

NC: WOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAA-

(The screen cuts black and then we a groaning Critic wake up to see Tamara Chambers dressed up in an Alice costume with black hair and a Poison Mushroom necklace.)

NC: Oh my god...the maid cafe of the Addams Family.

Malice: (In a British accent) Hello, my name is Malice.  Are you quite alright?

NC: Yeah, fine. I was just looking for a-

Malice: A black rabbit?

NC: Y-yeah...

Malice: Carrying a hard drive?

NC: Yeah!

Malice: And you escaped from the American McGee Institute hoping that if you bring him back it will prove to the world that you're not a pyschotic maniac?

NC: That's a hard no, but two out of three ain't bad. So have you seen him?

Malice: Oh yes, that way.

(Carrotjuice jumps around sparatically, yelling before running away)

NC: Hey!

(And a chase begins as NC chases Carrotjuice while Malice quickly follows suit. They soon reach a small door.)

NC; Oh, what the hell's going on here?

Malice: Here, drink this. It will make you tolerant for overused cliches 10 times smaller.

NC: What? The hell are you talking...Oh forget it. (Drinks substance)

(After drinking the substance both NC and Malice shrink down as the bottle slams on the floor behind them surprising both of them)

NC: What is this? Some sort of LSD land?

Malice: You're not too far off actually.

(NC opens the door)

Malice: It's Burtonland.

(NC is clearly shocked at all the Burtonish visuals)

NC: Oh Christ!

(Cut to the show's opening intro)

(Cut back to NC walking through Burtonland with Malice)

NC: My God, look at this place! It's like a coloring book if the only crayon available was gray.

Malice: Oh, come now, It's not all that bad. At least it's creative!

NC: Yeah, the first million times, sure, but the million and one-theth... (sighs) It's just as bad as when he took over Disney's Alice in Wonderland.

Malice: Oh, but, I loved that cartoon!

NC: (sighs) No, not that one! I hate the fact I have to make that distinction now! No, I'm talking about Disney's "Tim Burton's" Alice in Wonderland!

(Cut to the Alice in Wonderland opening)

Malice: But, wait, I thought that was a big hit. If it was so bad, why did it make so much money?

(Doug dressed as Burton's Mad Hatter (Danny Elfman) appears out of nowhere)

Danny Elfman: I can answer that!

NC: (dusgusted) Oh God, it's Danny Elfman!

Danny: What's the matter, Critic? I thought you enjoyed my musical compositions.

NC: Yeah, for the first ten years! Now all your stuff sounds like the filler music you skip on soundtracks.

(Background music starts)

Danny: Oh, but Critic! Don't you know that kind of repetition is what makes Burtonland so popular?

(NC and Malice are confused)

(Danny starts singing a song in the style of What's This? from The Nightmare Before Christmas)

Danny: It's Tim Burton,

There's spirals everywhere!

It's Tim,

Let's get you fucked up hair!

(NC gets the Chester A. Bum wig)

It's Tim,

Where everything is styled

Oversubstance but it looks

Good so who cares?

It's Tim!

(NC takes off the wig)

It's Tim Burton,

All angles are askew!

It's Tim,

With foggy lenses too!

It's Tim,

Where all supporting characters are kings

Holding the movies on the wings

And all the leads are 'bout as interesting as glue!

It's Tim!

This world of such uniqueness has been done a million times,

A dark and gloomy outlet for suburbanites to whine!

And though it's saying little, hipsters think it's saying more

It's selling much more whiteness than a rich albino whore!

Remakes, reboots,

They're making us a ton

Of loot

And anything that's new

Is rare

And, yes, the style's showing wear and tear

But all the profit's clearly there

And will it get old? We don't care

Try something different we won't dare

'Cause our supplies of working apes

Are making millions by the share!

TIM BUR-TON!!!

Malice: ...Very good, um, we're looking for the Black Rabbit and--

Danny: And now, the rendition with the whimsical choir that can only sing in vowels! OOO-OOO-OO-OO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOOOOO!

Malice: I beg your pardon, this doesn't help us.

Danny: OOOOO-LA-LALA-LALA-LALA-LALALALALALALALALALA-LAAAAAA!

Malice: If you could just direct us--

Danny: OOOH-OOH-OOOOOOH-OOOO-OOO-OOOOOOOH!

Malice: (calm) Well, I tried to be nice... (pulls out gigantic kitchen knife) Excuse me... (goes towards Danny Elfman)

(Nostalgia Critic is scared, disgusted and frightened)

Danny: (in the background) Oh my god, what are you doing? Oh, god, no, not that! Oh, no, put that back to my body! Oh, no, I need those! I needed those! Oh, god! Oh, Jesus Christ! I've never felt so much pain! Alright, he went down that way! OOOOOOOH!

Malice: (Comes back covered in blood) Right then, he says we just follow that road. (Points right)

NC: (He is disgusted) Goodie... You go in front of me, while I start the review.

Malice: Very good. (Leaves)

NC: (to the audience) She seemed so nice! (Follows her)

(Footage from the movie is shown)

NC: (vo) We see a young Alice, being awoken by nightmares, as her father tries to put her asleep while discussing trading and business.

Alice: I've seen...strange creatures...

Alice's father: What kind of creatures?

Alice: There's a dodo bird, a rabbit, in a waistcoat...

Alice's father: You're mad, bonkers, off your head.

NC: (as the father) I think this calls for a good bleeding, that's what solves every problem in this time period!

Alice's father: But I'll tell you a secret: all the best people are.

NC: (vo) So, father-so-perfect-he-surely-has-to-die-soon dies soon after Alice's 19th birthday. This leaves her with a mother who is certainly a product of the times, who is not willing to accept Alice, because, of course, she's ahead of her time, and doesn't realize that the "ahead of the time" cliche has been done so many times that actually makes it behind the times.

Alice's mother: Where's your corset?

Alice: I'm against them.

Mother: But you're not properly dressed!

Alice: Who's to say what is proper? What if it was agreed that "proper" was wearing a codfish on your head, would you wear it? To me, a corset is like a codfish.

NC: (In an irritating high itched voice) And now it's time for "Tired Oppression Cliches for Tired Free Spirited Whippersnappers"!

Mother: And no stockings!

NC: Oh! Most unorthodox!

Alice: I was wondering what it would be like to fly.

NC: Oh, how uncivilized!

Alice: My father sometimes said he believed in six impossible thing before breakfast.

NC: Oh! Heavens to Betsy!

Hamish Ascot: When in doubt, remain silent.

NC: Oh, much better!

Woman: Do you know what I've always dreaded? Ugly grandchildren.

NC: Oh! How very proper!

Alice: But I don't know if I want to marry Hamish.

NC: Oh! How obviously not stuckup and wrrrrrrrong! I hope no other character in any other movie ever made repeats what she does in this film! That would be rrrrrrrrrrrrandy!

Alice: Hamish? Do you ever tire of quadrille?

Hamish: On the contrary. I find it invigorating.

NC: (Back to normal voice) Umm, yeah, bad screenwriting 101, guys, a good writer focuses on what a character is, not what a character isn't. We know that Alice isn't following the norm, isn't as submissive as her peers and isn't going to be told what to do. Well, okay, that's all fine and good, but, what is she then? Umm...blander than bread?

Alice: (after catching Lowell in an affair) I can see you're very close.

Lowell: You won't mention this to your sister, will you?

Alice: I don't know. I'm confused.

NC: Are you sure she is not a product of the emotionless Victorian era?

Woman: The gardeners have planted white roses when I specifically asked for red.

Alice: You could always paint the roses red.

NC: And, of course, as it goes, all the things that Alice will come across inevitably will work their way into her fantasy world as well. Like the owner complaining about the white roses, talking to Tweedlekinda and Tweedlesorta, and, of course, what seems like an insane society needing to be challanged.

Hamish: Will you be my wife?

Alice: But this has all happened too quickly.

NC: (vo) So she turns down the proposal of one of the lesser Weasleys, mostly because...she sees the white rabbit? Wait a minute. So, they're clearly establishing that none of this is a dream and that it's all reality? Okay, despite the fact that this is clearly going against what the original book was doing, why would all of these obvious symbols that worked it's way into the fantasy be presented? I mean, what's the point if it's all real?

(Cut to NC walking with Malice)

NC: I mean, it's suddenly being like...(Santa Christ walks by) Oh, hey Santa Christ!

Santa Christ: Hello!

NC: What are you doing here?

Santa: I don't know!

NC: (Shrugs)

(Back to movie footage)

NC: (vo) So of course, Alice follows him down the rabbit hole, and things look pretty promising, as the wacky and nonsensical spirit of Wonderland seems to be shining through.

(Alice finds and drinks from a bottle that says "Drink Me")

NC: (vo) Yeah, now all she needs is a script that says "Write Me".

(Alice shrinks after drinking from the bottle)

NC: (vo) She of course shrinks down, wearing...a convenient mini dress that she had on her? Maybe she was gonna play goth Barbie later, and enters the rather grey and blurry world of Wonderland. (NC starts singing to the tune of Willy Wonka's Pure Imagination) There is no life I know phoned in like computer generation.

White Rabbit: I told you she's the right Alice.

Dormouse: I am not convinced.

NC: (as Alice) Oh, I'm sorry, "Eek!" or "Emotional Reaction!" or... I don't know. I guess I'm sticking with nothing.

Dormouse: She's the wrong Alice!

Tweedledee: Well, I suppose she might be...

Flower: Absolem will know who she is!

Tweedledee: I'll escort you.

Tweedledum: Hey, it's not even your turn!

NC (vo): You'll notice quickly that all of the characters speak to her like they've encountered her before. And, that's because, they have! Yeah, I bet you thought you were going to get the story of Alice in Wonderland, didn't you? God, I don't know how the fuck you got THAT stupid idea! (Shows shot of the poster)

(Back to movie footage)

NC (vo): But, no, this is a semi-sequel, not based on the semi-sequel because all the logic they semi-throw in semi-makes no sense.

Absolem: Unroll the Oraculum.

NC (vo): They inform her that the Red Queen has taken over with her evil Jabberwocky, and that this ancient calendar, which is never wrong, claims that she will defeat it.

Absolem: It tells of each and every day since the beginning.

Tweedledum: Frabjous being the day you slay the Jabberwocky.

Tweedledee: That being you there with the Vorpal Sword.

Tweedledum: No other swords can kill the Jabberwocky.

NC: Oh, great. Another "prophecy" story. You know, why are these so popular? Why does everyone go along with something because "the prophecy said so"? What reliable source do these prophecies come from? Who writes them? How do we know they can be trusted?

(cut to a scene with Malcom sitting on a chair, rearranging some papers, while on the phone.)

Voice: Sir, Wonderland is checking up on their prophecy.

Malcolm: I told them to check that wierd calendar thing I made up.

Voice: And Narnia?

Malcolm: I don't know. A beaver shall lead the way for the Bedknobs and Broomsticks kids with the Lion King.

Voice: Dune?

Malcolm: A chosen one.

Voice: Matrix?

Malcolm: A chosen one!

Voice: Phantom Menace?

Malcolm: A CHOSEN ONE!

Voice: Jesus?

Black: Umm, let's leave that one up to interpretation. I don't see anyone going too crazy for that one.

(Cut to NC with Malice)

NC: Hey, is it me, or does that guy look familiar?

Carrotjuice: NOPE!

NC: Oh, okay, it must be one of those-- HEY!

Carrotjuice: W-HEY, W-HEY, W-HEY! (runs away, then NC and Malice start chasing him) Oh, happy day, oh, happy day.

NC: What's he so happy about anyway?

(Suddenly TweedleDepp (played by Doug Walker) and TweedleCarter (played by Tamara Chambers) pop up, having miniature finger seizures)

NC: (Scared) GAAAAAH!

Malice: Who in the blazes are you?

TweetleDepp: If you're looking for strangeness, you needn't look harder.

TweedleCarter: For he's TweedleDepp and I'm TweedleCarter.

NC: Oh, that's right. The ceremonial Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter appearances.

Malice: But I thought that they were talented actors, playing a variety of characters.

NC: They were until they found their niche playing crazy eccentric homeless-looking people.

TweedleDepp: For I'm the Mad Hatter and her the Red Queen. We chew up the scenery scene after scene.

TweedleCarter: We act through bad wardrobe and hair that's insane, and make-up so thick, it'd rival Hunger Games.

TweedleDepp: We bulge out our eyes.

TweedleCarter: And twiddle our fingers.

TweedleDepp: Doing this gets us both 'round near ten figures.

NC: Yes, and as you'll notice, neither of them really do anything different.

NC: (vo) After Alice escapes one of the queen's monsters by being defended by a mouse, in the most PG way possible by the way-(shows the scene with the Dormouse using a pin to poke and stab out the Bandersnach's eye) ("A family picture"), she comes across the Mad Hatter, who's apparently so mad, that he keeps alternating between accents.

Mad Hatter: (British) You're absolutely Alice, I'd know you anywhere. I'd know him anywhere! (Scottish) The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame. Jaws that bite and claws that catch. (American) I'm investigating things that begin with the letter "M". (British) Yes, of course, but now you're back, you see, and we need to get on to the Frabjous Day. (Scottish) Do you have any idea what the Red Queen has done? (American) You've lost your muchness. (??????) Juggling sluking urpal. Bar lom muck egg brimni!

NC: (vo) Of course his "not very" loonacy is only offset by Helena Bonham Carter's "not very" loonacy, as she plays the Red Queen. And actually, at first, it almost kind of works. Because in the beginning, she seems to get upset over stupid silly things, like who ate her tarts.

Red Queen: Did you steal my tarts?

Frog servant: No, your majesty.

(Red Queen wipes pink jelly off the frog's lips and tastes it)

Red Queen: Squimberry juice.

Frog servant: I was so hungry!

Red Queen: Off with his head!

NC: (vo) That's in keeping with the nonsensical spirit of the book. But, for whatever fucking reason, they keep bringing in this political power struggle and talk of the prophecy, and that's not what Alice in Wonderland is about! It's supposed to be a fun road trip of dream-like nonsense; an escape from reality through creative surrealism. It's supposed to be a child-like experience, not a fucking war movie! But, listen, these characters constantly talk like they're in a war movie!

Mad Hatter: When the White Queen once again wears the crown.

Alice: I'm not slaying anything.

Cheshire Cat: Down with the Bloody Big Head.

Mad Hatter: The entire world is falling to ruin.

Alice: We're going to rescue him.

Bayard: That is not foretold.

Mad Hatter: Down with the bloody Red Queen!

NC: (vo) Oh, come on, could you see the Mad Hatter getting involved with a cause?

(cut to a picture of a Russian movement, with the Mad Hatter from 1951's Alice in Wonderland, in the crowd)

Mad Hatter: (voiced by NC) The communist flag will rise! Ohohoho!

NC: (vo) Can you see the original Cheshire Cat getting invested with Freedom Fighters?

Cheshire Cat: I never get involved in politics.

NC: (vo) Oh, is that why you constantly get involved with political movements every couple of scenes?

Cheshire Cat: Goodbye. (disappears)

NC: (vo) Why bring sense and logic to a world that celebrates having no sense and logic? It just sucks the fun out of it.

TweedleCarter: Who would want fun when there's gloom instead?

TweedleDepp: That's like talking through your teeth, not hearing what's said.

Malice: (while TweedleDepp and TweedleCarter continue rhyming in the background) I apologize, but they annoy me. (pulls out the big knife she used on Danny Elfman) I'm going to kill them.

NC: Wha-je-je- What is wrong with you?! (halts Malice from killing them) You're usually so nice! Stop killing people!

Malice: Oh, I'm afraid I already did when you looked over there. (points off screen)

NC: What? (looks off screen) I didn't look over there. (looks back, seeing Malice covered in more blood, holding a brain and an eyeball) Damn it! You really did escape from a mental institution!

Malice: Well, I assumed you did too, given how you're dressed.

NC: Yeah, but I'm a celebrity. When you dress wierd, it's crazy. When I dress wierd, it's avant garde. 

(NC walks off screen, with Malice following, as we cut to commercial)

(We return from the commercial to a flashback with all the citizens of Wonderland having a party)

NC (vo): So the Hatter lets Alice know that Wonderland used to be ruled by the White Queen played by Anne Hathaway, until the Red Queen summoned her Jabberwocky to destroy everything.

(cut back to the footage, showing the Mad Hatter looking over the destruction)

NC: (vo) Oh, the heartbreaking tragedy. If only there was some sort of warning they could've had to prepare them for this... like a calender that predicts the future and is never ever wron- Wait a minute! Didn't they say that fucking thing predicts whatever's gonna happen?!

Absolem: It (Oraculum) tells of each and every day since the beginning.

NC: (vo) Well, why the flying hell were they just partying then?! Did they miss the part where we all burn and get our asses fried?! You'd think somebody would've put a goddamn bookmark on that section, wouldn't you?!

(cut back to the scene again)

George W. Bush: (voiced by NC) That White Queen's doing a heck of a job.

Mad Hatter: Hold on tightly.

NC: (vo) So the Hatter sees the guards coming, thus swings Alice away on his hat, which by the way, even then, she looks disinterested- (as Alice) "Oh no", I guess. (back to normal)- and he's taken away. Thankfully, one of the guard's dogs finds Alice, but she discovers he's a spy for the rebellion.

Bayard: Would your name be Alice by any chance?

Alice: Yes, but I'm not the one everyone's talking about.

Bayard: The Hatter would not have given himself up just for any Alice. 

NC: (vo) Yes, that would be mad, and nothing in his name indicates he'd be anything like that!

Alice: We're going to rescue him.

Bayard: That is not foretold.

Alice: I've been accused of being Alice and of not being Alice, but this is my dream. I'll decide where it goes from here.

NC: (vo) Oh yeah, I forgot to mention: Alice this whole time, I mean, 80% of the goddamn movie, totally believes that this is all a dream.

Alice: This is my dream./This is my dream./It's only a dream./I'm still dreaming./Wake up from this dream./Time can be funny in a dream./ Sometimes I forget this is all a dream./I would dream up someone who's half-mad.

NC: (vo) You know, I think there's only so long a person tells themselves they're asleep before fucking reality starts to take affect. I mean the dream excuse can only get you so far before your other senses start to kick in. 

NC: For example- (smacks Malice on the back of the head) It's okay! It's just a dream! (smacks her again) It's okay! It's just a dream! (smacks her again) IT'S OKAY! IT'S JUST A DREAM! (NC tries again, but backs off when Malice threatens him with her knife) You see?