Alice in Wonderland
March 11, 2014
For the original Bum Review, see here.
(We start off with the Critic doing some spring cleaning)
NC: Why does spring cleaning always have to come after winter? The hell is this?
(NC has picked up a hard drive with the label of Old Home Movies.)
NC: Oh, my God, I thought I had these destroyed after Wilsongate. Well, we'll soon fix that. Where's my evidence destroying hammer?
(Suddenly, a strange-looking, rabbit-like creature (played by Malcolm) dressed like Beetlejuice creature gets NC's attention, grinning creepily as he does. NC screams his head off at this sight. The camera cuts to the creature's face and then quickly to the screaming Critic)
(Rabbit-like creature again, then Critic)
(Strange looking creature, Critic)
(...guess what happens...)
Rabbit-like creature: Hey, I'm Carrotjuice! Don't be upset. Today's the greatest day ever! In fact, let's give each other gifts! (yanks the hard drive out of NC's hand) YOINK!
(Carrotjuice dashes off with a cartoon sound effect, while NC tries to chase him)
NC: Get back here, you evil Nesquik bunny! (NC gets sucked into some sort of hole) WHOA!
(Cut to NC falling down into someplace)
(The screen cuts to black and then we see a groaning Critic wake up to see Malice.)
NC: Oh, my God...the maid cafe of the Addams Family.
Malice: (In a British accent) Hello, my name is Malice. Are you quite alright?
NC: Yeah, fine. I was just looking for a-
Malice: A black rabbit?
Malice: Carrying a hard drive?
Malice: And you escaped from the American McGee Institute hoping that if you bring him back, it will prove to the world that you're not a psychotic maniac?
NC: That's a hard no, but two out of three ain't bad. So have you seen him?
Malice: Oh, yes, that way.
(Carrotjuice jumps around sporadically, yelling before running away)
(And a chase begins as NC chases Carrotjuice while Malice quickly follows suit. They soon reach a small door.)
NC; Oh, what the hell's going on here?
Malice: Here, drink this. It will make your tolerance for overused clichés 10 times smaller.
NC: What? The hell are you talking...Oh, forget it. (Drinks substance)
(After drinking the substance, both NC and Malice shrink down as the bottle slams on the floor behind them, surprising both of them)
NC: What is this? Some sort of LSD land?
Malice: You're not too far off, actually.
(NC opens the door)
Malice: It's Burtonland.
(NC is clearly shocked at all the Burtonish visuals)
NC: Oh, Christ!
(Cut to the show's opening intro, then we cut back to NC walking through Burtonland with Malice)
NC: My God, look at this place! It's like a coloring book if the only crayon available was gray.
Malice: Oh, come now, it's not all that bad. At least it's creative!
NC: Yeah, the first million times, sure, but the million and one-theth... (sighs) It's just as bad as when he took over Disney's Alice in Wonderland.
Malice: Oh, but I loved that cartoon!
NC: (sighs) No, not that one! I hate the fact I have to make that distinction now! No, I'm talking about Disney's "Tim Burton's" Alice in Wonderland!
(Cut to the Alice in Wonderland opening)
Malice: But, wait, I thought that was a big hit. If it was so bad, why did it make so much money?
(Danny Elfman appears out of nowhere)
Danny Elfman: I can answer that!
NC: (disgusted) Oh, God, it's Danny Elfman!
Danny: What's the matter, Critic? I thought you enjoyed my musical compositions.
NC: Yeah, for the first ten years! Now all your stuff sounds like the filler music you skip on soundtracks.
(Background music starts)
Danny: Oh, but, Critic! Don't you know that kind of repetition is what makes Burtonland so popular?
(NC and Malice are confused. Danny starts singing a song in the style of "What's This?" from The Nightmare Before Christmas. All the while, clips from the movie are shown)
Danny: It's Tim Burton,
There's spirals everywhere!
Let's get you fucked-up hair!
(NC gets the Chester A. Bum wig)
Where everything is styled
Over-substance but it looks
Good so who cares?
(NC takes off the wig)
It's Tim Burton,
All angles are askew!
With foggy lenses, too!
Where all supporting characters are kings
Holding the movies on the wings
And all the leads are 'bout as interesting as glue!
This world of such uniqueness has been done a million times,
A dark and gloomy outlet for suburbanites to whine!
And though it's saying little, hipsters think it's saying more
It's selling much more whiteness than a rich albino whore!
They're making us a ton
And anything that's new
And, yes, the style's showing wear and tear
But all the profit's clearly there
And will it get old? We don't care
Try something different we won't dare
'Cause our supplies of working apes
Are making millions by the share!
(The song ends. The Critic and Malice stare at Danny for a moment)
Malice: ...Very good. Um, we're looking for the Black Rabbit and--
Danny: And now, the rendition with the whimsical choir that can only sing in vowels! OOO-OOO-OO-OO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOOOOO!
Malice: I beg your pardon, this doesn't help us.
Malice: If you could just direct us--
Malice: (calm) Well, I tried to be nice... (pulls out gigantic kitchen knife) Excuse me... (goes towards Danny Elfman)
(NC becomes scared, disgusted and frightened as Malice attacks Danny off-screen with her knife)
Danny: (in the background) Oh, my God, what are you doing? Oh, God, no, not that! Oh, no, put that back to my body! Oh, no, I need those! I need those! Oh, God! Oh, Jesus Christ! I've never felt so much pain! All right, he went down that way! OOOOOOOH!
Malice: (Comes back covered in blood) Right then, he says we just follow that road. (Points right)
NC: (He is disgusted) Goody...You go in front of me while I start the review.
Malice: Very good. (Leaves)
NC: (to the audience) She seemed so nice! (Follows her)
(Footage from the movie is shown)
NC: (vo) We see a young Alice, being awoken by nightmares, as her father tries to put her asleep while discussing trading and business.
Alice: I've seen...strange creatures...
Alice's father: What kind of creatures?
Alice: There's a dodo bird, a rabbit in a waistcoat...
Alice's father: You're mad, bonkers, off your head.
NC: (vo; as the father) I think this calls for a good bleeding, that's what solves every problem in this time period!
Alice's father: But I'll tell you a secret: all the best people are.
NC: (vo) So, father-so-perfect-he-surely-has-to-die-soon dies soon after Alice's 19th birthday. This leaves her with a mother who is certainly a product of the times, who is not willing to accept Alice, because, of course, she's ahead of her time, and doesn't realize that the "ahead of the time" cliche has been done so many times that actually makes it behind the times.
(We see several scenes and footage of Alice attending a large garden party)
Alice's mother: Where's your corset?
Alice: I'm against them.
Mother: But you're not properly dressed!
Alice: Who's to say what is proper? What if it was agreed that "proper" was wearing a codfish on your head, would you wear it? To me, a corset is like a codfish.
NC: (vo; In an irritating high-pitched voice) And now it's time for "Tired Oppression Cliches for Tired Free Spirited Whippersnappers"!
Mother: And no stockings!
NC: (vo) Oh! Most unorthodox!
Alice: I was wondering what it would be like to fly.
NC: (vo) Oh, how uncivilized!
Alice: My father sometimes said he believed in six impossible things before breakfast.
NC: (vo) Oh! Heavens to Betsy!
Hamish Ascot: When in doubt, remain silent.
NC: (vo) Oh, much better!
Woman: Do you know what I've always dreaded? Ugly grandchildren.
NC: (vo) Oh! How very proper!
Alice: But I don't know if I want to marry Hamish.
NC: (vo) Oh! How obviously not stuck-up and wrrrrrrrong! I hope no other character in any other movie ever made repeats what she does in this film! That would be rrrrrrrrrrrrandy!
Alice: Hamish? Do you ever tire of quadrille?
Hamish: On the contrary, I find it invigorating.
NC: (Back to normal voice; vo) Umm, yeah, bad screenwriting 101, guys: a good writer focuses on what a character is, not what a character isn't. We know that Alice isn't following the norm, isn't as submissive as her peers and isn't going to be told what to do. Well, okay, that's all fine and good, but, what is she then? Um...blander than bread?
Alice: (after catching Lowell kissing another woman) I can see you're very close.
Lowell: You won't mention this to your sister, will you?
Alice: I don't know. I'm confused.
NC: (vo) Are you sure she is not a product of the emotionless Victorian era?
Woman: The gardeners have planted white roses when I specifically asked for red.
Alice: You could always paint the roses red.
NC: (vo) And, of course, as it goes, all the things that Alice will come across inevitably will work their way into her fantasy world as well. Like the owner complaining about the white roses, talking to Tweedlekinda and Tweedlesorta, and, of course, what seems like an insane society needing to be challenged.
(In front of a crowd of guests, Hamish proposes to Alice)
Hamish: Will you be my wife?
Alice: But this has all happened so quickly.
(Confused, Alice notices the White Rabbit, and runs away from Hamish and starts to follow it)
NC: (vo) So she turns down the proposal of one of the lesser Weasleys, mostly because...she sees the white rabbit? Wait a minute. So, they're clearly establishing that none of this is a dream and that it's all reality? Okay, despite the fact that this is clearly going against what the original book was doing, why would all of these obvious symbols that worked its way into the fantasy be presented? I mean, what's the point if it's all real?
(Cut to NC walking with Malice)
NC: I mean, it's suddenly being like...(Santa Christ walks by) Oh, hey, Santa Christ!
Santa Christ: Hello!
NC: What are you doing here?
Santa: I don't know!
(NC shrugs, then we cut back to the movie, as we are shown Alice falling down the rabbit hole)
NC: (vo) So, of course, Alice follows him down the rabbit hole, and things look pretty promising, as the wacky and nonsensical spirit of Wonderland seems to be shining through.
(After landing into a small room, Alice finds and drinks from a bottle that says "Drink Me")
NC: (vo) Yeah, now all she needs is a script that says "Write Me".
(Alice shrinks after drinking from the bottle)
NC: (vo) She, of course, shrinks down, wearing...a convenient mini dress that she had on her? Maybe she was gonna play goth Barbie later...and enters the rather grey and blurry world of Wonderland. (NC starts singing to the tune of "Pure Imagination") There is no life I know phoned in like computer generation.
(While exploring Wonderland, Alice comes across several of the people and animals)
White Rabbit: I told you she's the right Alice.
Dormouse: I am not convinced.
NC: (vo; as Alice) Oh, I'm sorry, "Eek!" or "Emotional Reaction!" or...I don't know. I guess I'm sticking with nothing.
Dormouse: She's the wrong Alice!
Tweedledee: Well, if she was, she might be...
Flower: Absolem will know who she is.
Tweedledee: I'll escort you.
Tweedledum: Hey, it's not even your turn!
NC: (vo) You'll notice quickly that all of the characters speak to her like they've encountered her before. And, that's because, they have! Yeah, I bet you thought you were going to get the story of Alice in Wonderland, didn't you? God, I don't know how the fuck you got THAT stupid idea! (Shows shot of the poster) But, no, this is a semi-sequel, not based on the semi-sequel because all the logic they semi-throw in semi-makes no sense.
(Everyone goes to see the caterpillar named Absolem)
Absolem: Unroll the Oraculum.
NC: (vo) They inform her that the Red Queen has taken over with her evil Jabberwocky, and that this ancient calendar, which is never wrong, claims that she will defeat it.
Absolem: It tells of each and every day since the beginning.
Tweedledum: Frabjous being the day you slay the Jabberwocky.
Tweedledee: That being you there with the Vorpal Sword.
Tweedledum: No other swords can kill the Jabberwocky.
NC: (vo):Oh, great. Another "prophecy" story. You know, why are these so popular? Why does everyone go along with something because "the prophecy said so"? What reliable source do these prophecies come from? Who writes them? How do we know they can be trusted?
(Cut to a skit with Malcolm sitting on a chair, rearranging some papers, while on the phone.)
Voice: Sir, Wonderland is checking up on their prophecy.
Malcolm: I told them to check that weird calendar thing I made up.
Voice: And Narnia?
Malcolm: A chosen one.
Malcolm: A chosen one!
Voice: Phantom Menace?
Malcolm: A chosen one!
Malcolm: Um, let's leave that one up to interpretation. I don't see anyone going too crazy for that one.
(Cut to NC with Malice)
NC: Hey, is it me, or does that guy look familiar?
NC: Oh, okay, it must be one of those-- HEY!
Carrotjuice: W-HEY, W-HEY, W-HEY! (runs away, then NC and Malice start chasing him) Oh, happy day, oh, happy day.
NC: What's he so happy about anyway?
(Suddenly, TweedleDepp (played by Doug Walker) and TweedleCarter (played by Tamara Chambers) pop up, having miniature finger seizures)
NC: (Scared) GAAAAAH!
Malice: Who in the blazes are you?
TweetleDepp: If you're looking for strangeness, you needn't look harder.
TweedleCarter: For he's TweedleDepp and I'm TweedleCarter.
NC: Oh, that's right. The ceremonial Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter appearances.
Malice: But I thought that they were talented actors, playing a variety of characters.
NC: They were until they found their niche playing crazy eccentric homeless-looking people.
TweedleDepp: For I'm the Mad Hatter and her the Red Queen. We chew up the scenery scene after scene.
TweedleCarter: We act through bad wardrobe and hair that's insane, and makeup so thick, it'd rival Hunger Games.
TweedleDepp: We bulge out our eyes.
TweedleCarter: And twiddle our fingers.
TweedleDepp: Doing this gets us both 'round near ten figures.
NC: Yes, and as you'll notice, neither of them really do anything different.
(Back to the movie, showing Alice escaping from the Bandersnatch)
NC: (vo) After Alice escapes one of the Queen's monsters by being defended by a mouse, in the most PG way possible, by the way...
(We are shown the scene of the Dormouse using a pin to poke and stab out the Bandersnach's eye. A FAMILY Picture!)
(We see Alice encountering the Mad Hatter at a tea party in the middle of the woods)
NC: (vo) ...she comes across the Mad Hatter, who is apparently so mad that he keeps alternating between accents.
Mad Hatter: (In a British accent) You're absolutely Alice, I'd know you anywhere. I'd know him anywhere! (in a Scottish accent) The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame. Jaws that bite and claws that catch. (in a American accent) I'm investigating things that begin with the letter "M". (in a British accent) Yes, of course, but now you're back, you see, and we need to get on to the Frabjous Day. (in a Scottish accent) Do you have any idea what the Red Queen has done? (in a American accent) You've lost your muchness. (in a ?????? accent) Juggling sluking urpal. Bar lom muck egg brimni!
(We then see the film's villain, Iracebeth of Crims, the Red Queen)
NC: (vo) Of course, his "not very" lunacy is only offset by Helena Bonham Carter's "not very" lunacy, as she plays the Red Queen. And actually, at first, it almost kind of works. Because in the beginning, she seems to get upset over stupid silly things, like who ate her tarts.
Red Queen: Did you steal my tarts?
Frog servant: No, your majesty.
(Red Queen wipes pink jelly off the frog's lips and tastes it)
Red Queen: Squimberry juice.
Frog servant: I was so hungry!
Red Queen: Off with his head!
NC: (vo) That's in keeping with the nonsensical spirit of the book. But, for whatever fucking reason, they keep bringing in this political power struggle and talk of the prophecy, and that's not what Alice in Wonderland is about! It's supposed to be a fun road trip of dream-like nonsense; an escape from reality through creative surrealism. It's supposed to be a childlike experience, not a fucking war movie! But, listen, these characters constantly talk like they're in a war movie!
(We see various clips of the characters talking)
Mad Hatter: When the White Queen once again wears the crown...
Alice: I'm not slaying anything.
Cheshire Cat: Down with the Bloody Big Head.
Mad Hatter: The entire world is falling to ruin.
Alice: We're going to rescue him.
Bayard: That is not foretold.
Mad Hatter: Down with the bloody Red Queen!
NC: (vo) Oh, come on, could you see the Mad Hatter getting involved with a cause?
(Cut to a picture of a Russian movement, with the Mad Hatter from 1951's Alice in Wonderland in the crowd)
Mad Hatter: (voiced by NC) The communist flag will rise! Ohohoho!
NC: (vo) Can you see the original Cheshire Cat getting invested with Freedom Fighters?
Cheshire Cat: I never get involved in politics.
NC: (vo) Oh, is that why you constantly get involved with political movements every couple of scenes?
Cheshire Cat: Goodbye. (disappears)
NC: (vo) Why bring sense and logic to a world that celebrates having no sense and logic? It just sucks the fun out of it.
TweedleCarter: Who would want fun when there's gloom instead?
TweedleDepp: That's like talking through your teeth, not hearing what's said.
Malice: (while TweedleDepp and TweedleCarter continue rhyming in the background) I apologize, but they annoy me. (pulls out the big knife she used on Danny Elfman) I'm going to kill them.
NC: Wha-je-je- What is wrong with you?! (halts Malice from killing them) You're usually so nice! Stop killing people!
Malice: Oh, I'm afraid I already did when you looked over there. (points off-screen)
NC: What? (looks off-screen) I didn't look over there. (looks back, seeing Malice covered in more blood, holding a brain and an eyeball) Damn it! You really did escape from a mental institution!
Malice: Well, I assumed you did, too, given how you're dressed.
NC: Yeah, but I'm a celebrity. When you dress weird, it's crazy. When I dress weird, it's avant garde.
(NC walks off screen, with Malice following, as we cut to commercial. We return from the commercial to a flashback with all the citizens of Wonderland having a party)
NC (vo): So the Hatter lets Alice know that Wonderland used to be ruled by the White Queen, played by Anne Hathaway, until the Red Queen summoned her Jabberwocky to destroy everything.
(We are shown the Mad Hatter looking over the destruction)
NC: (vo) Oh, the heartbreaking tragedy. If only there was some sort of warning they could've had to prepare them for this...like a calendar that predicts the future and is never ever wron- Wait a minute! Didn't they say that fucking thing predicts whatever's gonna happen?!
Absolem: It (Oraculum) tells of each and every day since the beginning.
NC: (vo) Well, why the flying hell were they just partying, then?! Did they miss the part where we all burn and get our asses fried?! You'd think somebody would've put a goddamn bookmark on that section, wouldn't you?!
(Cut back to the scene again)
George W. Bush: (voiced by NC) That White Queen's doing a heck of a job.
(Cut back to the current scene, showing the Hatter throwing his hat, with Alice on it, away, before being captured by the dogs)
Mad Hatter: Hold on tightly.
NC: (vo) So the Hatter sees the guards coming, thus swings Alice away on his hat, which by the way, even then, she looks disinterested... (as Alice) "Oh, no", I guess. (back to normal) ...and he's taken away. Thankfully, one of the guard's dogs finds Alice, but she discovers he's a spy for the rebellion.
Bayard: Would your name be Alice, by any chance?
Alice: Yes, but I'm not the one everyone's talking about.
Bayard: The Hatter would not have given himself up just for any Alice.
NC: (vo) Yes, that would be mad, and nothing in his name indicates he'd be anything like that!
Alice: We're going to rescue him.
Bayard: That is not foretold.
Alice: I've been accused of being Alice and of not being Alice, but this is my dream. I'll decide where it goes from here.
NC: (vo) Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention: Alice, this whole time, I mean, like, 80% of the goddamn movie, totally believes that this is all a dream.
Alice: (various scenes) This is my dream./This is my dream./It's only a dream./I'm still dreaming./Wake up from this dream./Time can be funny in dreams./ Sometimes, I forget that this is all a dream./I would dream up someone who's half-mad.
NC: (vo) You know, I think there's only so long a person tells themselves that they're asleep before fucking reality starts to take effect. I mean, the dream excuse can only get you so far before your other senses start to kick in.
NC: For example- (smacks Malice on the back of the head) It's okay! It's just a dream! (smacks her again) It's okay! It's just a dream! (smacks her again) IT'S OKAY! IT'S JUST A DREAM! (NC tries again, but backs off when Malice threatens him with her knife) You see?
NC: (vo) On top of that, if she does think this is all a dream, what does she care what happens to the Hatter? What does she care if it's her fault? She has no obligations in a dream! Though then again, maybe that would explain why her performance is about as invested as Willy Wonka saving a bratty child.
Alice: I'll decide where it goes from here.
Bayard: If you diverge from the path--
Alice: I make the path!
(Cut to a clip from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)
Willy Wonka: Stop. Don't. Come back.
(Alice is then shown approaching the Red Queen's castle by crossing a moat full of several heads, before meeting the White Rabbit near at the castle)
NC: (vo) So she makes it to the castle where, again, in a PG film, she climbs over the severed heads in a bloody river of the Queen's victims... (A Disney Picture!) ...and eventually comes across the captured White Rabbit.
Alice: I've come to rescue the Hatter.
White Rabbit: You're not rescuing anyone being the size of a gerbil.
Alice: Well, do you have anymore of that cake that made me grow before?
White Rabbit: Actually, I might have some left.
NC: (vo; sighs) And this is another reason why Wonderland doesn't work as a strategic world of war: There's cake that makes you grow huge. (beat) Whoever has that shit, battle over! You win! Mass produce that shit, and make an army of King Kongs! You could squash this place like a Lego city faster than you can say "curiouser and curiouser"!
NC: It's like if Malice and I had some of that cake, and we suddenly came across a threat.
(NC and Malice hear a dragon roar. A Jabberwocky-like creature with a laptop on its head appears)
Jibber-Jabber: I am the terrible Jibber-Jabber! Writer of these terrible movies! (NC looks over at Malice, nodding) Allow me to make your lives more needlessly complicate- (Malice eats the cake, growing to the size of a giant)- Oh, dear...
(Malice slams her foot down on the Jibber-Jabber, crushing it. Back to the movie, where we see Alice, now grown a bit bigger, seeing the Red Queen)
NC: (vo) But, no. Rather than kill the Queen in her tracks even though she's a giant, she makes up a story about who she is. Why?! What's the purpose?! She could bite her head off like a fucking animal cracker!
Alice: I've been growing an awful lot lately. So I've come to you, hoping you might understand what it's like.
Red Queen: Anyone with a head that large is welcome in my court.
NC: (vo) Okay, whatever. So the Queen takes her in, and Alice eventually tries to break the Hatter out, as well as find the sword to defeat the Jabberwocky.
(At one of the castle's hallways, Alice encounters Tweedledee and Tweedledum)
Tweedledum: How do you do again?
Alice: Where's the rabbit?
Tweedledee/Tweedledum: Over theres. (both point in the opposite direction)
NC: (vo) Ohoho! That's Wonderland! Nothing makes any se...
(Cut to the Tweedles now leading Alice to the right direction)
NC: (vo) Wait, now they're taking her to where he is. But, you just pointed in the opposite direction. Are you taking them there, or are you not taking them there? Wha-je-je- Is there any goddamn consistency in this place?! Should we just rename the characters the "kinda" Mad Hatter? Should we change the phrase to "just a little quirky, but still totally reasonable" as a March Hare?
(Alice finds herself confronted by the Knave of Hearts, who attempts to flirt with her)
NC: (vo): But before she can get the sword, she has to deal with...this weird scene with the leader of the guards, played by Crispin Glover.
Knave: I like you, Um. I like largeness.
NC: (vo) Wow, Burton's really working through some issues with this movie, isn't he? Next you'll be telling me he has a thing about rats. (shows a poster of Crispin Glover's Willard)
(Cut to a scene of Crispin Glover as George McFly laughing from Back to the Future, before going back to the movie. Alice finds the sword while taming the Bandersnatch, which eventually helps her escape over to the castle of the White Queen)
NC: (vo) So she does find the sword, and manages to befriend the beast (Bandersnatch) by giving him his eye back. She's unable to save the Hatter, but the beast does carry her over to Epcot Gondor, where the White Queen awaits.
White Queen: Come with me.
(They enter a kitchen where the White Queen casually dodges a pot thrown by the March Hare)
March Hare: You're late for your soup, you wee besom!
Alice: (after tasting the soup) Could use some salt.
NC: (as Alice) That's my attempt at being funny. It'd be funnier if I was funny.
(The White Queen pours some liquid into a spoon, and gives it to Alice to drink. Alice starts shrinking down to her normal size)
NC: (vo) Wait a minute, they're shrinking her down? W-Why the flying fuck are they shrinking her down?! She has to fight a gigantic Jabberwocky, remember?! Did we forget our little stomp talk?! (plays the clip of Malice squashing the Jibber-Jabber) Come on, guys! This makes about as much sense as the Cheshire Cat wanting to help the rebellion, but uses his godlike powers just to save one person...
(Cheshire Cat reveals himself at the Mad Hatter's execution)
Cheshire Cat: Good morning, everyone.
NC: (vo) Oh, come on! He could turn into Godzilla, and squash the place if he wanted! There's a bajillion things he could have done here! He could win this war in the blink of a goddamn eye! But, hey, like he said...
Cheshire Cat: I never get involved in politics.
NC: (as Cheshire Cat) Only when bad writing dictates so.
Cheshire Cat: Goodbye. (disappears)
NC: (vo) So the Mad Hatter is saved, but they still have to figure out how Alice is going to defeat the Jabberwocky on the day of battle, which, of course, shouldn't matter, seeing how even now, she still thinks this is all a dream. Thank God this plot thread has a running time past five seconds of tolerance!
(In the evening, after all the Wonderland inhabitants make it to the White Queen's castle, the Mad Hatter approaches Alice)
Mad Hatter: You still believe this is a dream, do you?
Alice: Of course. This has all come from my own mind.
NC: (vo) Okay, honey, no offense, but...you're way too boring to think up anything as creative as this. I think the most your mind could dream up is a paperclip on a rice cake. That's how exciting your imagination gets. And yet, in a confusing scene, even though they all know it has to be Alice, they ask who will stand up and fight for the White Queen.
(The next morning, the White Queen and the White Rabbit approaches Wonderland's inhabitants, asking who will be the champion)
White Rabbit: Who will step forth to be champion for the White Queen?
Mad Hatter: That would be I.
Tweedledum: (after Tweedledee) No, me.
Dormouse: I'll do it.
Cheshire Cat: You have very poor evaporating skills. I should be the one.
NC: (vo) Oh, that's very big of you, seeing how you (with Cheshire Cat) never get involved in politics. (back to normal) Ghost Dad has more consistency than you! (showing poster of Ghost Dad) But then they remind themselves of what they already know: Alice has to do it.
White Queen: The choice must be yours, because when you step out to face that creature, you will step out alone.
NC: (vo) Why? Because some magic toilet paper told you so? Why does any of this have to be this way? It doesn't! It's total bullshit! For a world that's apparently supposed to have no rules, there sure do seem to be a lot of...rules!
(We cut to Alice having a conversation with Absolem, who is now folding into a cocoon)
NC: (vo) But wait, it gets better. The caterpillar reveals the great big shocking twist. Are you ready? Oh, man, this is gonna blow your mind. Are you ready? It's so shocki- you're not gonna believe- Okay, are you ready? Here we go. Here we go. Okay, you ready? Here we go. Alice this whole time was Alice! (beat) Wait, what?
Absolem: Alice, at last.
(We are then shown several flashback scenes of Alice remembering being in Wonderland before when she was younger)
Cheshire Cat: What do you call yourself?
Cheshire Cat: The Alice?
NC: (vo) Whoa-ho-ho-ho, wait a minute, movie! So are you suggesting that the Alice from Alice in Wonderland this whole time was... Alice from Alice in Wonderland? Whoa! I mean, fucking whoa! This movie is pushing the envelope of cinematic twists! I mean, who could've seen that coming?! Next you'll be telling me that Clark Kent (shot of Clark Kent) all this time was...Clark Kent! Man, this movie knows how to keep you on your fucking toes!
Alice: It wasn't a dream at all. It was a memory. This place is real, and so are you, and so's the Hatter.
(Cut to clip from Liar Liar)
Fletcher Reed: Ding-ding-ding! What do we have for her, Johnny?
(Back to the movie)
Absolem: You are just as dimwitted the first time you were here. You called it "Wonderland", as I recall.
NC: Wait a minute. What was that line?
Absolem: You are just as dimwitted the first time you were here. You called it "Wonderland", as I recall.
NC: Well, if it's not called Wonderland, what is it called?
(Various scenes of characters saying "Underland" are shown)
White Queen: ...crimes against Underland.
White Rabbit: Underland.
White Queen: Underland.
(NC stops in his tracks and grabs Malice's shoulder, stopping her, too)
NC; So let me get this straight: in Alice in Wonderland, the story based on the Lewis Carroll novel, (we then cut to the poster with NC's scribblings on the title replacing every word in the title with the following) Alice is not a girl, she's a woman, ("
Alice" "Grown Up Alice") she's not in Wonderland, she's returning to Wonderland, (" in" "Returns to") and Wonderland itself, in fact, isn't Wonderland at all, it's called "Underland". (" Wonderland" "Underland") (beat as we cut back to Critic and Malice) UNDERLAND?!? UNDERLA--?! That sounds like a made up world in a Fruit of the Loom commercial! I'm sorry. How the flying fuck am I supposed to take an adaptation seriously when you can't even get one word, ONE FUCKING WORD, OF THE GODDAMN TITLE RIGHT?! (beat) I'm gonna say it.
Malice: No, Critic.
NC: No, I'm gonna say it.
Malice: Critic, you mustn't!
NC: I'm sorry! No, don't hold me back!
(NC and Malice argue back and forth until NC bursts out...)
NC: CARE BEARS IN WONDERLAND IS A BETTER ADAPTATION THAN THIS! (An audience boos) Yeah, come on! I said it! I said it! Who wants some?! Come on! Come on!
(Various clips from Care Bears in Wonderland and Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland are shown)
NC: (vo) Apart from at least giving us what the fucking title promises, Care Bears in Wonderland, and not Underland, is still mad nonsense where everything is backwards! The villain of the movie wants to bring sense and order to it. That would be a legitimate threat to their world, so the fear in the movie is 100% justified! Here, the queen is just a jerk, but as long as she's as crazy as the rest of them, which she supposedly is, Wonderland...oh, I'm sorry...Underland shouldn't care! Because, unless you missed what was constantly hammered in, both the story, the book, every interpretation ever made, THEY'RE MAD! THEY'RE ALL FUCKING MAD! So what should they care about any of this bullcrap? And don't get me wrong. Care Bears is an awful movie. It's really bad. They do some stupid shit, like making the queen nice, a whole bunch of other...fuck, but in terms of which one is closer to the spirit of what Alice in Wonderland is? I'm sorry, the fucking Care Bears got closer! They embraced the insanity of Wonderland! (showing the changed poster "Grown Up Alice Returns To Underland") This one is ashamed to even be called Wonderland! Fuck! That! Shit!
(Malice taps NC on the shoulder)
NC: (turning to her sharply) WHAT?!
Malice: Um, speaking of things we're ashamed of... (points off-screen)
(Carrotjuice hops around yet again, laughing before running away)
NC: There he is! Let's go get him!
(NC and Malice suddenly fall down a hole into a green tinted dark room. As NC and Malice pick themselves up, the floating head of Tim Burton, played by Doug Walker, appears through black smoke like in Wizard of Oz)
Tim Burton: I am the great and powerful Tim! (chuckles weakly)
NC: Oh, goddamn it, Burton! You're not even ripping off the right source material! (Tim chuckles nervously) You're destroying The Wizard of Oz! You don't need to do that! Sam Raimi already did that!
Tim Burton: Critic, why do you hate my work so much? I'm just trying to bring something creative and new.
NC: Then bring us something creative and new, not try to destroy what was already fine with your tired cliches! I mean, look at this climax!
(We are shown the climatic scene of the red and white armies marching to the battlefield)
NC: (vo) I think the only reason you allow these adaptations to be so war-hungry is because you like getting shots of armies lining up! (Clips of armies of apes, martians and penguins from Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes, Mars Attacks!, and Batman Returns respectively are shown) Seriously, look at all these movies that you've used them in! You're like obsessed with them!
Tim Burton: Hey, now, come on, those scenes came from Mars Attacks, Planet of the Apes, and Batman Returns. As we all know, those were critically acclaimed masterpiece- (NC and Malice waiting for Tim to admit it) But they look so cool...
(Back to the movie)
NC: (vo) We see Alice dressed up as Joan of "Meh", and they have their dumbass battle.
Jabberwocky: We meet on the battlefield once again!
Alice: That's enough chatter.
NC: (as Alice) I'm the wild and eccentric one where I come from.
(We cut forward to the middle and end of the battle)
NC: (vo) And again, in our PG film, we get a rather gruesome decapitation of our fearsome Jabberwocky.
Alice: OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!
(She slices off the Jabberwocky's head. The "A FAMILY Picture" caption appears again, but the announcer is interrupted when the scene plays again and again, which disgusts the announcer)
Announcer: Oh, my Go- Oh, th- Oh, my- That's disgusti- Oh, my God- Oh- Oh- Oh- Ugh!... Bring The Kiddies!
Red Queen: KILL HER!
Red Guard: We follow you no more!
NC: (vo) So that takes the Red Queen out of power, Queen Uninteresting is in control again, and the Hatter feels he can finally celebrate by doing his dance.
Mad Hatter: O Frabjous Day! Callooh! Callay!
(The music builds up into a techno beat as the Hatter starts doing the Futterwacken)
NC: Whoa, wait a minute, is Wonderland- Oh, sorry- Underland getting...jiggy?
NC: (vo) I think it is! Boy, he ain't no Paperman! He really swings out with the mess of jive!
NC: Oh, my God, I have never seen anything this crunk since I saw Vanilla Ice cracking to the tune of (cut to Ice's recent commercial for...) Macaroni and Cheese! (cut back to Malice and Critic) O-ho-ho, Hatter, you be dope!
Malice: Are you sure you didn't escape from a mental institution?
(We are shown Alice returning home and choosing her future)
NC: (vo) So Alice goes back home, apparently wiser and somehow even blander.
Alice: I'm sorry, Hamish. I can't marry you./I love you, Margaret, but this is my life./You're lucky to have my sister for your wife, Lowell. I'll be watching you closely./There is no prince, Aunt Imogene. You need to talk to someone about these delusions./Don't worry, Mother, I'll find something useful to do with my life.
NC: (as Alice) And you, you wanted a brain. What you don't have is a diploma.
Alice: (to Lord Ascot) You and I have business to discuss.
Lord Ascot: Shall we speak in the study?
Alice: (to everyone) Oh, and one more thing. (lifts up her dress, and does the Futterwacken)
NC: (vo; in high-pitched voice) My God! Her boring personality is in direct conflict with our boring personalities! MOST UNORTHODOX! (back to normal) So, she uses her newfound expertise in sword fighting and monster slaying...into the trading business...which this movie never mentioned she has any knowledge of...to begin with.
Alice: It's vast, the culture is rich, and we have a foothold in Hong Kong.
NC: (vo) So, she sails the Wonder--Oh, don't you mean "Under"?--where she sets to start her brand new life.
(Cut to Alice on a ship ready to set sail, with a blue butterfly landing on her shoulder)
Alice: Hello, Absolem.
NC: (vo; as Alice) Really? That's our big closer? I've seen more thrilling conclusions out of "Berenstain Bears".
(The film ends)
Tim Burton: So, Critic, what do you think of my blockbuster masterpiece?
NC: (sighs) I'm sorry, I know a lot of people really enjoy this movie, but I just think it's awful!
Tim Burton: Aw...
(Footage from the movie plays as NC goes to his final thought)
NC: (vo) What should've been a match made in heaven turned into a needlessly complicated storyline from a seemingly simple source material. How can a movie based on a pointless book be even more pointless by trying to give it a point? On top of that, the film thinks that the more evil it can make the villains, the more interested we'll be in our heroes, rather than just writing the heroes interestingly. You can make it dark, you can make it intense, but unless you have a coherent story and characters that have a little bit more charm than snake vomit, it doesn't amount to anything! Sometimes, the visuals are nice, and once in a while, it brings out a little bit of the zaniness from the book, but most of it misses the spirit, the charm, and yes, even the wonder that made Alice in Wonderland so great.
NC: I bet even Malice could do a more Tim Burton-style Alice in Wonderland sequel than Tim Burton ever could! (beat) Come on, you all knew we were going there.
Tim Burton: But, Critic, I thought you liked my work.
NC: I did when you did original stuff. (Carrotjuice hands the hard drive to Malice while NC talks) Beetlejuice, Edward Scissorhands, The Nightmare Before Christmas, those were all great. But now all you do is terrible remakes.
(Malice connects the hard drive to her phone)
Tim Burton: Well, that's all part of being an artist, Critic. I mean, some ideas hit bullseyes, and others are dead on arrival, but you just keep trying.
NC: Not if you keep living in another person's shadow. I mean, no good can ever come of that.
Malice: I think this video begs to differ.
NC: What? (Becomes scared) NOO... (Malice holds up her knife) Please don't hurt me...
Tim Burton: What is it, creepy girl of indiscernible age?
Malice: Some home movies of the Critic's room when he was young.
NC: Please don't...
(Malice taps her phone with her knife, uploading the video to a bigger screen. Tim Burton focuses his attention to the video. NC cringes as somber music plays. The video plays, showing a label that reads "Burton Corner". As the video continues, we see various drawings and collectibles of characters and images from Tim Burton's movies, including NC's Batman cowl)
Carrotjuice: Well, looky here, looks like somebody was living in somebody else's shadow.
(NC crosses his arms and glares)
Tim Burton: Oh, my God, you were a fanboy of me?
Malice: It looks like he has a full corner of his room dedicated to you.
NC: ...I just really liked your work, that's all. And maybe I did a few fan drawings every once in a while.
Tim Burton: A lot of that looks pretty creative.
NC: Most of it's crap!
Tim Burton: But some of it's good.
Tim Burton: (vo) You see, Critic, just because you're interpreting someone else's work doesn't mean some good can't come out of it. After all, didn't you enjoy Sweeney Todd?
NC: Yeah, but...
Tim Burton: And didn't you like Big Fish?
NC: Yeah, but...
NC: Yeah, but that doesn't excuse bad remake after bad remake! And Alice in Wonderland...
Tim Burton: I'm sure will never be remade again.
NC: ...Well, just because it's been done a million times before doesn't mean it'll be done a million times again!
Tim Burton: Critic, this is just how artists work. Sure, I'll make a lot of crap, but for every Dark Shadows, there's an Ed Wood. For every Planet of the Apes, there's a Beetlejuice. In fact, my next movie is called Big Eyes, based on the artist who did that kitsch artwork in the sixties, and all the trials and tribulations she had to go through.
NC: ...Actually, that sounds kind of interesting.
Tim Burton: And based on another source material.
NC: (sighs, finally seeing Burton's point) All right, for the good of the creative mind, I guess it's good to put up with some crap every once in a while.
Malice: But wait. There's still one thing I never figured out: Why was the Black Rabbit so happy all this time?
Carrotjuice: Ho-ho, isn't it obvious? It's the first Tim Burton project to ever have a black man in a main role!
NC: Nooo... There was Harvey Dent--
NC: Wait, no, he wasn't the main character. There was Oogie Boogie and--
NC: No, he only came in the last third. Oh, my God, you're right!
NC: You know, for a director who celebrates black and white, you sure do pull off more emphasis on the white than you do the black!
Tim Burton: Nevertheless. Go forth, my young one, back into the real world to look forward to the wonders that Burtonland will bring onto you!
NC: I will, Mr. Burton. I know you won't let me down.
Tim Burton: I'm sure I won't either.
(We immediately cut to a news report)
Announcer (Malcolm Ray): Tim Burton's eagerly-anticipated Big Eyes has been cancelled... (Music stops and "Cancelled" appears on the screen before music resumes again) Replaced with his latest cinematic creation, Adventure Time, starring Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter.
(NC, with a TV remote in his hand, and Malice are on the couch, watching the news report on TV)
NC: I completely forgot whatever lesson I was supposed to learn.
(Cut to credits)
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