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Alice Through the Looking Glass

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Aired
March 13, 2018
Running time
29:07
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(After the Channel Awesome logo, we cold-open on NC rummaging through some drawers)

NC: I know I left it here somewhere... (opens one drawer and brightens up) Ah, here we go! (picks up and looks at what he found: a DVD of Alice in Wonderland (the original animated version)) The original classic! You know, when did Tim Burton and Johnny Depp become the people you call to tone down the imagination?

(He gets up and starts to leave, taking the DVD with him. A mirror is shown with his reflection in it as he leaves. Suddenly, however, Malice appears in the mirror!)

Malice: Critic!

NC: (turning around) Malice?

Malice: We need your help right away!

NC: Oh, my God! Tell me all about it!

Malice: Well, there's great trouble brewing in– (She is interrupted, however, as NC leaves, slamming the door shut) Twat.

(NC sits down on the couch and turns on the movie. As the opening credits play, however, Malice appears on the TV screen, brandishing her knife. NC groans)

Malice: (threateningly) Don't make me go curiouser on your ass.

NC: Oh, come on, Malice! I know I'm doing a Disney Live-Action Remake Month, but they didn't even do an animated Through the Looking Glass movie!

Malice: Yes, but the animated Alice in Wonderland looks more like Through the Looking Glass than the live-action Through the Looking Glass.

NC: Sadly, true.

Malice: Besides, a lot has changed: Tim Burton's gone, everything's more bright and colorful, even Johnny Depp's better.

NC: Really? All that happened?

Malice: It's only two out of those three things, yes.

NC: (sighs) All right, how do I get there? Do I eat something or go through a magical door?

Malice: (holding up remote control) No, you use this technologically-advanced time machine to go anywhere you'd like.

(In the living room, a time machine (actually, the Talent Replacer 9000) appears, making beeping sounds as it does)

NC: (deadpan) Gee, how magical.

(NC walks up to the time machine. There is the sound of electricity crackling coming from the machine, followed by an explosion. When it clears, NC is seen walking through Burtonland, which is a beautiful, pastoral setting, much to his surprise. He sees green grass, flowers, trees and a running stream. Malice is also standing there, holding the remote control in one hand and her knife in the other)

Malice: Well, what do you think?

NC: (nods, smiling) I think this might actually work.

(Cue the 2018 opening, then we return to Burtonland with NC and Malice)

NC: Wow! (behind him, Malice raises her knife to stab him in the back) I just can't get over how beautiful everything looks! I mean, it's bright, it's colorful...

(He sees Walter Banasiak, wearing a Red Power Ranger helmet mask, and Dinosaur Rob beating each other up)

NC: ...surreal! I mean, dare I say it, there's a sense of wonder here!

Malice: (putting away knife and walking forward) Good, I didn't want to have to cut off your balls and feed them to my wildebeest.

NC: It sounds like you did.

Malice: I did, but I won't. (walks off)

NC: Eh, that's progress.

(NC follows Malice while Walter and Dino Rob strangle each other. We then are shown the house of Carrotjuice (which, for some reason, has a Russian flag on its roof). Cut to the inside: the room has multicolored walls with various photos and pictures of rabbits and bunnies. Carrotjuice himself is sadly looking at a picture of ginger bunnies. On the table nearby him, there is a bust of Lewis Carroll and his book "The Best of Lewis Carroll")

NC: (rubbing his forehead) So, remind me again what the urgent matter is.

Malice: Carrotjuice is sad.

NC: ...And?!

Malice: His entire family died in a fire.

NC: Recently?

Malice: No, long ago. And we have to stake our entire world upon making him happy again.

NC: Okay, look, i-i-it sucks that he's sad. Really sucks, but...it happens. People cope!

Malice: No, we have to go back in time to cause his family's death.

NC: Huh?

Malice: As well as causing every horrible thing that's ever happened in our world.

NC: What?

Malice: While trying to learn a lesson about not being able to change the past, but being rewarded for changing the past.

NC: Repeat of previous "What"?

Carrotjuice: It's mad! Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?

NC: Yeah, but there's a difference between mad and dumb! Mad is being concerned that a pocketwatch is two days slow or everybody's cheating to win a race that everybody wins. Dumb is trying to take those simple, charming ideas and turn 'em into a big action end-of-the-world thriller!

Carrotjuice: But... (makes a "wipe a tear off the cheek" gesture) I'm sad.

NC: (annoyed) I don't care that you're sad! If anything, it pisses me off that all our problems are centered around a dumb, moping jackass!

Carrotjuice: Bunny.

NC: Asshole is what you are!

Malice: Well, you're obviously no help. Come on, Carrotjuice. (Carrotjuice gets up from the chair as she leaves the house) Let's go back in time and almost cause the end of the world to perk you up.

Carrotjuice: (hands his picture of bunnies over to NC) Here.

(He leaves as well. NC stares at the picture for some seconds... throws it onto the floor and sits himself down on the chair. A loud sound of glass shattering is heard)

NC: (to the camera) Yeah. (takes out the Alice Through the Looking Glass Blu-ray) That's pretty much what happens.

(The Disney Live-Action Remake Month intro is played, but this time with comparison of the animated and the Johnny Depp versions of the Mad Hatter. Then, we are shown the title of the 2016 movie Alice Through the Looking Glass, before going to its clips)

NC (vo): The sequel to the unfortunate live-action hit, Alice in Wonderland, happily didn't win over audiences or critics. On the one hand, it's very easy to see why: it's continuing its lame attempt at making Wonderland...

NC: Oh, sorry. (finger quotes) "Underland". However did I confuse those two?

NC (vo): ...into a rebellious, action-packed resistance movie. Like its predecessor, it has virtually nothing to do with the Lewis Carroll books, but, to its credit, it does actually have seeds of what Alice in Wonderland was.

NC: Okay, they're seeds growing under a brick house of dumb, but they're still seeds!

NC (vo): Is it a shame, then, that this one made less money despite it having more elements from the books than the original, or is this series just getting inevitably what it deserves?

NC: Let's take a closer look. This is Alice Through the Looking Glass.

(The film opens in 1874. On the way to London, the ship is cornered by the Malay pirates in the Strait of Malacca. And this ship is captained by Alice Kingsley)

Alice: Surrendering my father's ship...

NC: Okay, when I said there's elements of the original, I didn't mean right away.

NC (vo; sighs): Yeah, Alice is the captain of her own ship now. And she's about as commanding as Keira Knightley leading pirates. Between the two of them, I don't think they could lead a school of fish.

Alice: Hard to port, Harper!

NC (vo): I'll give credit to Alice, played again by Mia Wasikowska, there is at least a little investment in her performance. Though, granted, after the last film, an aggressive blink would be welcomed at this point.

(A small clip from the 2010 movie is shown, showing Alice before the fight with Jabberwocky)

Alice: That's enough chatter.

NC: Whoa! Tone down there, Daniel Day-Lewis!

(Alice manages to return to London and meets with her mother Helen. At evening, they are shown attending the Hamish residence)

NC (vo): But she doesn't have much to work off of as, once again, she plays the ahead-of-her-time outsider who must prove she's tough and independent before proving she's interesting or has a personality.

(As Alice and Helen enter the mansion, they see many guests that have arrived. NC overdubs all of the guests with "Most unorthodox!" and "This is most unorthodox!". After that, Alice is shown speaking to her ex-fiancé, Hamish Ascot)

NC (vo): Hell, the cliched pompous uppity-cocks have more personality, if you really think about it.

Hamish: No other company is in the business of hiring female clerks. Let alone ship's captains. (chortles along with his partners)

NC: (as Hamish, chortling while showing off his teeth) Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! My teeth can't get any bigger, (takes out a big round glass) but my monocle certainly can! Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Hamish: There will be no further expeditions. You will start in files, but in time. (shrugs, raising an eyebrow)

NC (vo; as Hamish): My transition of Billy Zane rogering a ferret is almost complete. (as Alice) But my transition into the NBC peacock is almost complete! (as Hamish) Let's just agree we're sillier than anything we're going to see in Wonderland. (as Alice) Underland. (as Hamish) Oh, yes. Stupid movies.

Alice: Your father set those shares aside for me.

Hamish: He gave them to your mother, who sold them to me a year ago while you were gone, along with the bond on the house.

NC (vo): House bonds, stock shares, company ownership... Alice in Wonderland, everybody!

NC: (looks in "The Best of Lewis Carroll" book) At this point, in the original book, she just got done...

(John Tenniel's illustrations to "Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There" are shown as NC describes the events)

NC (vo): ...talking with flowers and met a queen on a giant chessboard.

(Back to the 2016 movie)

NC (vo): But hell with that shit! Here, she's wondering whether or not she wants to sign over her father's ship to save her mother's house.

(Alice retreats to the garden and cries)

NC (vo): Eh, but it's in the garden. That's...kind of the same thing!

(Cut back to Alice talking to her mother who has sold Alice's shares in her father's company)

Helen: A sea captain is no job for a lady. You can't just make things however you want them to be.

NC: Clearly, you've never met the writers of these movies.

(Alice sees a blue butterfly in the garden, thinking it's her old friend, Absolem, and follows her to Hamish's study with the looking-glass on the wall. She locks the door and reaches out to discover her hand can go through the mirror)

NC (vo): We do eventually get into... (sighs) Underland, as the caterpillar, now a butterfly, leads her to the looking-glass where she crosses over.

Guard 1: (behind the door) It's locked. Someone's in there. Who's in there?

Guard 2: (behind the door) Who's in there?

(Alice climbs on the fireplace)

NC (vo): (feigned concern) Oh, no, the guests are trying to get in through the locked door! Hurry, Alice, before...

NC: (hesitates) ...they get in and ask what's going on! Why is this urgent?

(Going through the mirror, Alice sees a huge room and meets up with its inhabitants: Humpty Dumpty and the chess pieces. Then, Absolem shows her another door. Alice walks out of it and falls out of the sky right into the flower bed in front of her friends from Wonderland...or Underland)

NC (vo): Believe it or not, we actually do partake in some Wonderland-ish material: knocking over Humpty Dumpty, bickering with chess pieces doors leading to the sky... So this is what Alice in Wonderland could have be- Oh. Bullshit plot ahoy.

Alice: What's the matter?

White Rabbit: The Hatter's the matter.

Tweedledee: He's going darker.

Tweedledum: Denies himself laughter.

Cheshire Cat: (appears out of thin air) And no scheme of ours can raise any sort of smile.

(We see the flashback of the Mad Hatter frolicking around with Bayard the bloodhound, Mallymkun the Dormouse and Thackery the March Hare, when suddenly, he sees a little paper hat and gets really depressed that he forgot about his family)

NC (vo): Yep. The Mad Hatter is feeling sad because he came across a blue hat that reminded him of his family, killed by the Queen of Hearts.

NC: ...Not sure why Alice was brought in to deal with this.

(Alice walks to the Hatter's house)

NC (vo): Maybe her slight sense of acting direction can set off Depp's complete lack of acting direction.

Mad Hatter: (shows a little hat to Alice, speaking with a lisp) I found this. So if this hat survived...my family must have, too.

NC (vo): Yeah, if Depp's Hatter acting in the first one was the equivalent of (The picture of Gellert Grindelwald as portrayed in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is shown) his Fantastic Beasts performance, then this one is definitely his Mordecai performance.

Mad Hatter: I never said I was sorry when I had the chance.

NC (vo): It's like if his Willy Wonka was too drunk to find a job, so he became the local Ronald McDonald. He looks beyond lost.

(The Hatter's skin starts becoming more pale after Alice says it's impossible to find his family)

Mad Hatter: You are not...you.

(He angrily drives Alice out of his house)

NC (vo; as the Mad Hatter): There's a hole in the world like a great black pit, and it's from this movie that's full of shit.

NC: (tiresome) So, because I know you're all invested, why don't you remind us of the plot again, Alice?

(Mirana of Marmoreal, the White Queen, shows Alice her old clock, through which she can enter the Grand Clock of All Time)

Alice: Find Time's castle, borrow the Chronosphere, travel back in time to Horunvendush Day, save the Hatter's family from being killed, and thereby save the Hatter.

NC: (as Alice) And then get McFly to kiss at the prom so my picture will come back.

White Queen: And if your past self sees your future self, everything would be history.

NC: (after a pause) That really doesn't sound worth the risk.

NC (vo): I mean, I like the Mad Hatter...actually, I don't even like him, but even if I did, it's not worth risking the entire frigging world! You know, 'cause it's...the entire frigging world!

Dormouse: Hatter's counting on you.

Cheshire Cat: We all are.

NC: Why?! You really are making a mountain out of one of these! (A photo of a mole digging in manure is shown)

NC (vo): He's depressed. Sucks. Grab him some Prozac, get him laid and show him some Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, minus this episode. (A shot from the episode "Papa's Got a Brand New Excuse", showing Will Smith hugging Uncle Phil, is shown briefly)

NC: The end of the world does not need a factor into this!

(In the Ocean of Time, Alice finds out a palace and climbs on the moving large clock hands to get to the other side)

NC (vo): She goes to the center of time, as she is the only one who can do it because she's not from around there...

NC: Oh, those restricted rules that limit the imagination of Wonderland...I'm sorry, (finger quotes) "Underland"...

NC (vo): She also discovers that Time is a he, played by Sacha Baron Cohen.

Time: (overhears Alice) Who is there? I saw you. How did you get in? It is impossible!

NC: Really? It was...

NC (vo): ...a literal hop and a skip.

NC: I don't see where the impossible comes in.

(Various clips of Time are shown)

NC (vo): Despite not being in the books, this character does surprisingly bring a similar charming goofiness that would probably be found in them. It's actually refreshing to hear ideas and word play centered around time being explored.

Time: Everyone parts with everything eventually. (introduces his servants) These minuscule artisans are my Seconds.

Alice: Thank you for your use, sir.

NC (vo): If Alice came across Time in the books, I feel like this is probably how it would go.

(Alice tells about her goals while Time moves the hands on the Grand Clock of All Time that is on his chest, fast-forwarding the conversation)

Alice: (speaks quickly) You see, the Jabberwocky killed his family on the Horunvendush Day, and I killed the Jabberwocky on the Frabjous Day, and I'd like your permission to borrow the Chronosphere. It is imperative that...

Time: (stops) Huh?

(A certain someone enters Time's castle through a heart-shaped entrance)

NC (vo; sighs): But again, it doesn't last long, for guess who shows up again?

NC: No, really. They want you to guess before they reveal her.

(The Seconds are shown addressing the person who has entered)

Wilkins: Shall I announce you?

Red Queen: (off-screen) Oh, no mind! I shall announce myself.

NC: (feigned amazement) Who could it be?!

NC (vo): A performer who used to be subtle, but gave it up for screaming and crazy hair- (The Mad Hatter is shown) The other one. (Iracebeth of Crims, the Red Queen, is revealed) There you go!

Red Queen: (calls out) Tick-Tock! (in another clip) I want her HEAD!

NC: Oh, my God... Can we get that fast-forward thing back from earlier? These are the parts that really need it!

(The Red Queen makes a deal with Time)

NC (vo): It looks like Time has fallen in love with the abusive Queen of Hearts, played again by Helena Bottoming-out Carter, as it looks like she still has it in her contract to have the camera two inches away from her at all times.

Red Queen: (to TIme, as her face is really close to the camera) I could get even with my sister. And we could rule the past, the present...

NC: Okay, you look like Pennywise about to French me. Please stop confusing the camera for your toothbrush!

(Alice is shown approaching the Chronosphere and taking it)

NC (vo): Alice decides to take control of the Chronosphere to go back in time to save Hatter's family, but not before battling Time's minions.

(Several of Time's giant minions chase Alice through the clock room, as Alice attempts to run through the moving clock gears. The music from the video game Castlevania plays over this scene. Eventually, Alice activates the Chronosphere, which turns into a pod, and begins flying right towards Time and the Red Queen)

NC: (as Alice) I have to stop this from turning into a Les Mis reunion. (Images of Time, the Red Queen and the White Queen are shown, along with their actors' characters from Les Miserables) I can't hear Russell Crowe sing again!

(Alice, flying the pod, disappears. This causes Underland to start changing from day to night very quickly, which Underland's inhabitants notice)

Bayard: She must have the Chronosphere.

(The sky changes to day again)

White Queen: All our hopes flow with you.

(Suddenly, a bright flash occurs in the room, and it's Malice and Carrotjuice returning back from the past)

Malice: Hi, Critic. (NC sighs) Just a heads up, the time-traveling is going great, but the world may accidentally go to shit now.

NC: Like...how? It's gonna blow up or something?

Carrotjuice: No, literally turn to shit. We will all become turds.

Malice: But at least Carrotjuice will be happy again.

Carrotjuice: Yeah.

NC: Yeah, weird thing: it's hard to get invested over a character we barely see. There's not really much of an emotional connection to justify the end of the world, you know?

Malice: Don't listen to him, Carrotjuice. You've got a ton of personality that we're exploring.

Carrotjuice: Well, I...

Malice: Shut up, I'm talking.

Carrotjuice: Oh.

Malice: The world will be so happy to see you happy again, or we'll die trying.

NC: As well as the world.

Malice: Yes, I said "we".

(Malice and Carrotjuice disappear after another flash of electricity. NC then fixes his eyes on "The Best of Lewis Carroll" book again)

NC: Ooh. She's having cake with a lion and a unicorn now.

(We go to a commercial. After coming back, we are shown Alice accidentally traveling back into the day of coronation of Mirana and Iracebeth. Most of Underland's inhabitants, including Tarrant Hightopp (the future Mad Hatter) and his family of hatters, are present. Tarrant's father, Zanik, tries to put the crown on Iracebeth's deformed head, but it doesn't fit and therefore breaks)

NC (vo): So Alice travels to when the Hatter and his family made the crowns of the White Queen and the Queen of Hearts, only princesses then. It looks like the crown doesn't fit the giant head, though, causing the crowd to laugh.

(Just as said, everyone laughs at Iracebeth)

NC: You know, for being hatters, they really suck at it. Didn't they prepare for this?

Female Guest: Put a bag on her head!

Iracebeth: (getting really angry) Off, off with their... Off with their...HEA-

King Oleron: Iracebeth, enough!

NC (vo; as Iracebeth): But I was going to say my trademark thing! It was going to be a big deal, and I'm not sure why it being interrupted is still trying to make it a big deal!

King Oleron: You are unfit to rule, Iracebeth.

(Iracebeth storms off, swearing that she will have her revenge on the Hightopps)

NC (vo): She loses the crown and vows vengeance on the hatters...

NC: Wouldn't it make more sense to vow vengeance on the lady that made fun of her?

NC (vo): ...and the Hatter's father balls him out.

Tarrant: All I did was laugh, Father. Why am I never good enough for you?

Zanik: Why are you always such a disappointment?

(Tarrant sadly leaves his family)

NC: You will believe a character you don't give a shit about is trying to make you give a shit about him.

(Alice follows Tarrant and warns him that the Hightopps will soon be in danger, but Tarrant neglects her. So Alice then tries to warn the Hightopps, but overhears them talking to the White Queen)

NC (vo): Alice tells the Hatter about how his family is going to get killed, but he doesn't care, so she tries to tell the family, but they're in the middle of fighting off incredibly forced exposition.

(During the whole conversation between Mirana and Zanik, a sign "Warning: TOTALLY Normal Conversation With No Plot Points Ahead" is displayed)

Zanik: All of Witzend laments the day of your sister's accident.

White Queen: As the clock struck six. I shall never forget that snowy night when she hit her head in the town square. That moment changed everything.

(The clip from The Court Jester is shown)

Hubert Hawkins (Danny Kaye): Get it?

Lord Ravenhurst (Basil Rathbone): Got it.

Hubert Hawkins: Good.

(Alice decides to travel to the day from Mirana and Iracebeth's childhood. Just after she disappears, Tarrant, Thackery and Mallymkun, who are having a tea at the long table to cheer up, notice somebody crashing. It's Time, who was following Alice in another pod)

NC (vo): So she goes to try and stop the Queen of Hearts from hitting her head, while Time tries to follow her but comes across the Hatter during his tea party.

NC: Again, in all honesty, this scene has a real legit Alice in Wonderland feel.

(The scene of Time observing Tarrant, Thackery and Mallmkun at their mad tea party deadpan is shown as NC speaks)

NC (vo): It's different levels of insanity trying to relate to each other and getting nowhere, and it's actually clever as well as entertaining.

Tarrant: Is it true that you heal all wounds?

Thackery: (nudging Time, who's sitting next to him) Time is on my side!

Tarrant: I have always wondered when "soon" is.

Time: If you vex me, it will be an eternity.

(Eventually, Time gets impatient)

NC (vo): But even that's botched in an attempt to throw a kind of twist in there.

Time: Until the young Alice joins you for tea, it will always remain one minute till tea time for you and your...dunderheads.

NC: You get it?! So when Alice...

(Tarrant, Thackery and Mallymkun discover that they are unable to move beyond their seats)

NC (vo): ...showed up in the first film, she was actually freeing them! That's why they were at the table...

NC: ...the whole time! (Beat) Why is that supposed to be fun?

(The clips of Alice meeting with the Mad Hatter, the March Hare and the Dormouse in the 1951 and 2010 adaptations are shown)

NC (vo): Wasn't it crazier or even mad that they were just sitting there the whole time because they wanted to? Nobody said, "Oh, I'd really want it so that they're prisoners there". They just wanted them to be in their own little world because it's enjoyable. Again, you're trying to add logic in something that doesn't need it.

(The footage of Evil Wizard from The Care Bears Adventure in Wonderland is shown)

NC (vo): This series really is like the villain from Care Bears in Wonderland trying to add logic and order to a world that shouldn't have any. Except in that, he's the bad guy. (angrily, through clenched teeth) Here, it's just Disney!!

NC: (as the poster for the Care Bears movie is shown) And it's still the better adaptation, by the way!

(Meanwhile, at Witzend in the past, Alice encounters the little Tarrant Hightopp having fun with puppy Bayard and the little Cheshire Cat, Tweedledee and Tweedledum)

NC (vo): Alice travels to the Hatter's childhood, and if you think him as an adult was boring and awkward...

Little Tarrant: (to Alice) You have a very nice head. And a nice head deserves a very nice hat. That's what my father says. Would you like him to make you one?

NC: (shakes his head, smiling) Isn't this just what you imagined with (finger quotes) "the Mad Hatter" as a little kid?

(The images of the 1951 and the 1999 versions of the Mad Hatter are shown)

NC (vo): Imagine the animated one as a child bouncing off the walls, or the Martin Short one acting like a wild animal.

(Back to the movie)

NC (vo): And this one... (Beat) ...as bland as that kid who gets axed off in Revenge of the Sith!

Little Tarrant: You have a very nice head.

(A clip of a Jedi youngling Sors Bandeam from Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith just before the youngling massacre, is shown briefly)

Sors Bandeam: There are too many of them. What are we going to do?

(Tarrant introduces Alice to Zanik at the Hightopps' house)

NC (vo): And despite it not being directed by Tim Burton, it still somehow has the exact same shitty backstory just as the Willy Wonka remake.

Zanik: (measures Alice's head with a tape) The function of a hat is to follow the proper dictum of society. Not to be fun. Hatting is a serious business.

NC: (as Zanik) Why can't my limiting ideas get through to your slightly less limiting ideas?

(Alice leaves Zanik and Tarrant and instead goes into the King and Queen's castle. She discovers that Mirana stole a tart that her mother baked. When both she and Iracebeth are confronted by Elsemere, Mirana blames Iracebeth and shows the crusts under the latter's bed)

NC (vo): Despite having two attempts to tell the family how to avoid getting murdered, Alice, once again, neglects to so she can stop the Queen of Hearts from hitting her head. Which, it turns out, is because her sister stole a tart and blamed her.

Queen Elsemere: (to Mirana) Did you eat the tarts and put the crusts there?

Little Mirana: No.

Little Iracebeth: But you did! You're lying! (runs out, crying) No, it's not fair! It's not fair!

NC: Next, she'll be telling me she ate Marceline's fries.

(Alice attempts to prevent Iracebeth from hitting her head on a clock the two frogs carry by getting the clock out of the way. But Iracabeth trips and falls, slamming her head on a monument just as the clock strikes six)

NC (vo): Alice tries stopping the accident, but she only ends up causing it, starting her (Iracebeth's) head turning huge.

Alice: You can't change the past.

NC (vo): She realizes now that she can't change time and it was wrong to meddle with it.

(Alice looks at Zanik at his house and sees him keeping the little hat Tarrant made in his pocket)

NC (vo): But she also realizes that the Hatter's family is still alive. Go, meddling! Always the answer!

(Alice runs to the clock shop, but is confronted by Time. Everything starts shaking and rumbling, and Time feels weakness as his castle collapses)

NC (vo): Time catches up with Alice, though, and she observes that he's slowly dying. And the end of the world will take place if the Chronosphere is not returned. So, naturally, Alice looks into her heart and...

Alice: I must save Hatter. (jumps into a nearby mirror)

NC (vo): ...tells him to piss off.

Time: (calling out) Alice! Alice!

NC: (irritated) She is literally looking...

NC (vo): ...at a dying man, and the end of the goddamn world is upon us...

NC: ...but...

NC (vo; in a whiny tone): The Hatter is sad!

NC: Oh-ho-ho-ho!

NC (vo): She is so freakin' crazy, she belongs in a mental institution...

(Sure enough, Alice wakes up and finds herself lying on a bed in front of her mother in a hospital)

Alice: Where am I?

Helen: You're in an institution.

(NC is stunned)

NC: Well, I'm glad you agree with me, movie, but... Huh?

(Dr. Addison Bennett, played by Andrew Scott, enters Alice's ward)

NC (vo): Okay, so, apparently, she passed out when she traveled through the looking-glass, and they took her to a mental ward.

Dr. Bennett: Textbook case of female hysteria. Untreatable, some say.

NC: Okay. What are they gonna do with this?

(Alice manages to stab Dr. Bennett with a syringe, and he falls asleep. Then, she escapes from her ward, runs on a roof and ties the rope from a flagpole around her waist)

NC (vo): Well, she escapes...

Alice: If three years at sea taught me anything, it's how to tie a bloody good knot.

NC: (as Alice) Why, thanks, me! It was important to remind me of that, me!

(Alice rides to Hamish's mansion on a cab, takes the Chronosphere she dropped, goes through the mirror and travels back to the Horunvendush Day to see that the Hightopps were captured by the Red Queen on her Jabberwocky. She then returns to the present day and runs to the Hatter's house)

NC (vo): ...and she goes back through the looking-glass. (stammers) That whole thing lasted three minutes! Why the hell did we have that detour?!

(Malice and Carrotjuice time-travel back to the room)

Malice: Oh, hi, Critic. I just wanted to give you some incredibly important information that we were delayed for just a moment.

(NC stares, poker-faced)

Malice: But we're back on track.

(NC keep staring)

Malice: And he's still sad.

NC: (points to the exit) Go. (closes eyes) Just go.

Malice: (whispers) But he's still sad.

NC: (whispers) Leave.

Malice: (whispers) But...

NC: (whispers) Leave.

Malice: (whispers) Okay. Right.

(She and Carrotjuice walk out. NC turns back to the camera, giving it a Kubrick stare. In the movie, Alice sees everyone gathered around the really pale Hatter on his bed)

NC (vo; grumbling): As if Depp couldn't get any whiter, apparently, thinking his parents are dead is killing him. Can't tell if he's dying of a broken heart or a broken career.

Alice: (in tears) I should have believed you.

(The Hatter opens his eyes)

Mad Hatter: You believe...me? (gets up from bed, smiling and getting closer to Alice...and the camera) You're Alice.

NC: (weirded out) Uh, never "You're Alice" again!

NC (vo): I'm putting you on a watchlist!

(Upon hearing that his family isn't dead, the Hatter perks up, and his skin returns back to normal)

NC (vo): Hatter suddenly gets better hearing the news that his family is alive and that the Queen of Hearts most likely has them.

Mad Hatter: I'm going to find that Red Queen and bring my family home.

NC: That is such a Hatter thing to say. God, he's such a well-defined character.

(The Red Queen's kingdom is now shown to reside on red roots that have a shape of a heart)

NC (vo): So they all try breaking into the Queen's...hideout? I don't really know what it is...where they find his (the Hatter's) family is in an ant farm.

(The Mad Hatter takes the anthill and sees that the Hightopps are now of small size and are working inside it as slaves)

Mad Hatter: Everyone, it's you!

(The Hightopps cheer)

NC: (as the Mad Hatter, "holding the anthill") Hi, Dad. I've been waiting a long time for this. (furiously shakes the "anthill")

(However, the Red Queen appears and captures the Underlanders in a cage, guarded by her vegetable human-like servants. Time is captured as well)

NC (vo): But they all get caught because, even though Alice verbally clarified the importance of tying knots, she forgot to verbally clarify the importance of bringing weapons to a battle! Kind of a dumbass captain, are you?

(Iracebeth activates the Chronosphere, takes Mirana and travels back to the day when her head became swollen)

NC (vo): The Queen takes control of Time and his machine to travel back with her sister.

Alice: Oh, this is all my fault.

NC: (reassuringly) No, no... (abruptly stops) All of it.

(The vegetable servants that were badly treated by the Red Queen release Alice and the Underlanders)

NC (vo): But the guards decide they don't like the Queen and let our heroes go...

NC: Why the hell didn't you betray her when she was still there?!

(In the past, Iracebeth and Mirana walk behind their bedroom's door and overhear their younger selves' argument about the tart)

NC (vo): ...as the Queen takes her sister to the tart moment so she can finally confess her lie.

Little Iracebeth: She put them there.

Queen Elsemere: Did you, Mirana?

Red Queen: (threateningly, to the White Queen) Did you?

White Queen: (in unison with her younger self) No.

NC: So the moral is, everyone's a terrible person. It's the Seinfeld finale of fantasies.

(Furious, Iracebeth opens the door and yells at the past selves. After both younger and older Iracebeth see each other, Time becomes irrelevant, and Underland begins to freeze)

NC (vo): But the film follows Timecop logic, as the Queen sees herself, which somehow starts freezing over the entire world.

(Alice, the Hatter and Mirana escape with the frozen Iracebeth on the Chronosphere's board)

NC (vo): So, just a reminder: you can't change the past, except when you can totally absolutely change the past. Don't seem to recall her opening the door and freezing the world the first time she stole the tarts.

(The Underlanders and Time's Seconds are waiting for Alice near the Grand Clock. Everything starts freezing in rust)

NC (vo; as Alice, in a whiny tone): But the Hatter was sad!

(The Underlanders are cornered and bid farewell to each other before freezing)

NC (vo): They try to get the Chronosphere back where it belongs, as everyone starts crusting over.

Tweedledee: Goodbye, Brother. (takes Tweedledum's hand)

Tweedledum: Brother, goodbye.

Bayard: I have cherished every moment with all of you.

(A clip from Titanic is shown, showing the musician Wallace Hartley and his fellow violinists finishing their playing as the ship sinks)

Wallace Hartley (Jonathan Evans-Jones): Gentlemen, it has been a privilege playing with you tonight.

(Eventually, everything freezes. But Alice actually manages to place the Chronosphere back in its original place, and Underland returns to normal)

NC (vo): Alice, of course, gets it back in time as the world is just barely saved, and the White Queen finally confesses her fault.

White Queen: I ate the tarts and I lied about it. I should have just told the truth, and none of this would have ever happened. I'm so sorry.

Red Queen: That's all I ever wanted to hear.

(Sobbing, Mirana hugs Iracebeth)

NC: Aw. That's just great. (Beat) Hey, remember...

(The clip from the 2010 movie, showing Alice jumping on the heads floating in the water, is shown)

NC (vo): ...those decapitated heads in the first film?

NC: It's okay, because she forgave her for the tart. Hey, remember that frog...

(Another clip is shown, with the frog servant who ate the Red Queen's tart being taken away)

NC (vo): ...that was taken away from his family and executed?

NC: It's okay, because she forgave her for the tart! Remember the mass genocide...

(The clips of the final battle between the Red Queen and the White Queen's cards, as well as of the Hightopps being captured on the Horunvendush Day, are followed)

NC (vo): ...oppression and countless lives destroyed because of every single one of these dumbass idiots?

NC: Tarts! It was all down to tarts! I think the real question is not who's the real villain, but who isn't the real villain!

(The Hatter returns his family back to their original size and reconciles with them, as Time starts flowing properly. Alice tells everyone goodbye and returns to London)

NC (vo): So, yeah, things are okay, apart from the countless graves, as Alice goes home to see her mother signing the deed to her ship.

Hamish: Mr. Harcourt, time is money.

Alice: (appearing in the doorway) I'm afraid he most certainly is not.

Hamish: Where did you come from?

Alice: I walked right through the walls. Poof!

NC: (as Hamish, chuckling) Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha... Arrest her, she escaped from a mental institution. (waves) Bye!

Alice: (to Helen) I may not be able to change the past, but I can learn from it.

NC: (confused) We're...we're not doing that?

Helen: You want me to sign them?

Alice: It's just a ship. There's always another.

NC: We had that...whole scene in the movie, we're just going to ignore it?

Alice: But you are my mother, and I only have one. (Helen smiles)

NC: (throws his hands) Okay. I guess...straitjackets are useless over the power of learning lessons? (shrugs)

Hamish: I knew that you would. Headstrong or not.

(Helen puts the papers on the table, glaring at Hamish)

Helen: You're not a nice man, Hamish.

(Cut to a clip from A League of Their Own)

Ernie Capadino (Jon Lovitz): Ooh. That one hurt.

(Helen tears the papers, refusing to give Alice's ship to Hamish. After that, we are shown another "Kingsley" being added to the title of "Kingsley Trading Company", as Helen sets to travel the world together with Alice)

NC (vo): So they don't sign over the ship, and Alice's mother instead decides to give up her home to go sailing with her daughter.

Helen: Time and tide wait for no man, Mr. Harcourt.

Alice: Or, indeed, woman.

(The mother and the daughter go aboard)

NC: (in a pompous tone, shaking a fist) MOST UNORTHODOX!!

(The movie's title appears, ending it)

NC: Okay, so...that was awful. Like, really awful. Like, really awful. Like, really awful. Really awful! (Pause) But I have to admit, I didn't dislike it as much as the first one.

(The clips from both live-action movies are shown as NC gives his closing thoughts)

NC (vo): The first one had virtually no elements of Wonderland at all, apart from maybe a little bit of the look. This one, at least, tapped into some moments. The majority of Time's character was both clever and charming, scenes with the chessboard and tea party felt more whimsically surreal and fun like in the original book, and the overall visual style is quite impressive, even better than the first. Aside from that, though, it still doesn't get across what makes Alice in Wonderland a timeless story. It still adds too many rules, too many limitations and too many attempts to make it a big thrilling adventure, when a small abstract story is more than enough. Both of these Alice films are bad, but I can surprisingly stomach this one a little more for the few good moments it had. On the whole, though, it's still an oyster gone bad.

NC: (gets up from a chair) Okay, and I'm done. I'm gonna go home and watch the good Alice in Wonderland movie.

(Right after he says that, Malice and Carrotjuice arrive back to the present day again. Carrotjuice has a big grin on his face, along with Malice)

NC: (not amused) Oh, you got happy again, huh?

Carrotjuice: We ruined the lives of God knows how many countries along the way, but I'm happy once more!

NC: And what made you so ecstatic?

Carrotjuice: Well, the fact that your Alice in Wonderland doesn't exist anymore!

NC: What are you talking about? I got a copy of it right here... (He realizes it wasn't the Blu-ray he was holding, it's feces!) D'AH!! (drops it on the floor) It's shit!

Malice: That's right, Critic. That's all we've done to your Alice in Wonderland. We've turned it into shit!

(NC looks on the pastoral field that changes to a huge landfill of manure)

Carrotjuice: Now, when people see Alice in Wonderland, they won't see the animated one. All they'll see is shit, shit, shit!

(Malice and Carrotjuice laugh maniacally and transform into giant floating turds with their eyes and mouths on them!)

NC: (horrified, to the camera) Alice, wake up! Please wake up, Alice! ALICE! ALICE! ALICE! ALICE!...

(The scene dissolves to the animated Alice Kingsley in her Disney design sleeping under a tree with her kitten Dinah, revealing that this was all her dream)

Margaret (voiced by Doug): Alice. Alice. Alice! Will you kindly pay attention and recite your lesson?

Alice (voiced by Tamara): (wakes up) Oh, God! Time-traveling, and the Mad Hatter's a dramatic character, and the end of the world because of a tart...

Margaret: Alice, what in the flaming ass are you talking about?

Alice: Oh, I'm sorry. But, you see, Tim Burton said...

Margaret: Tim Burton? No one's going to remember his later films. Half of them are flops. Even the ones he produced.

Alice: Oh. Then, I guess, like me, people are waking up and seeing the stories that really last.

Margaret: Whatever. Come, now. It's time for Duck Dynasty.

(Alice and her sister walk home as the sun sets and the arrangement of the closing music by Oliver Wallace plays out)

Alice: But this world was called Underland.

Margaret: It sounds stupid.

Alice: And it had a breakdancing Mad Hatter.

Margaret: You're talking like a moron.

Alice: And there was a lot of discussion about home ownership.

Margaret: Shut up, now.

Alice: And I was in a mental institution.

Margaret: Well, now that I believe.

Alice: And we killed God knows how many people just to make an awkward actor happy.

Margaret: I swear to Jesus, Alice, I will strangle you with my bonnet if you don't stop your goddamn yapping!

(We are shown the final card of the 1951 animated movie, but with the live-action Mad Hatter and the Red Queen in place of two cards. On the cloth they are holding, instead of "The End", it's the caption that says "Sorry. We Should Know Better". Fade to black. The credits roll)

Channel Awesome tagline - Little Tarrant: You have a very nice head.

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