After Earth

After Earth
Released	July 01, 2014
Running Time	26:17
Previous review	Jurassic Park 3
Next review	TBA
Link	http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/nostalgia-critic/43876-after-earth

Will Smith: (played by Malcolm Ray) Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me, the danger is very real. Fear is a choice.

Jaden Smith: (played by Gideon Ray, Jr.) ...Well Dad, can't I choose not to be in a Shyamalan movie?

Will: DENIED! Now get your stupid space suit on, Jaden!

Jaden: Oh, this is like being in Karate Kid with no karate in it.

Will: I heard that!

We then get our intro and fade into NC.

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Today, we look at--(the logo for After Earth comes up) (NC groans in frustration, laying his head on his desk) No! No! No, no, no, no, no! (clips of the movie play) Oh, God, not that one! Not that one! Oh, b- Come on! It's so stupid and dumb! J- I- What with the flying, and the- (grumbles) Ah... (beat) So let's take a look.

NC: (vo) Something important to keep in mind this time around is unlike his other films, Shyamalan is not entirely to blame for this one. Will Smith's son, Jaden, was something of a rising star, so to cement his status, Will took it upon himself to write a story starring his son that would hopefully lead to a scifi franchise. There was just one problem.

Kitai: That sucked.

Cypher: That is correct.

NC: (vo) Oh, it sucked, alright. It was reported that this film started out as number one on opening day, but word spread so fast that it slipped down a slot the next day, and was so bad that it slipped down another slot the next. Yep, the film was so bad that the public felt a civic duty to alert as many people as quickly as possible about it's horribleness. But like I said, even though the movie has Shyamalan's seal of horrendousness, you can't ignore the ego hand job that the Smith family is obviously giving itself. For example, get a load of Will's intro over Jaden's narration.

(cut to first scene with Kitai lying on the ground, with his face all swollen)

Kitai: (vo) (with accent) I've heard stories of Earth. (clips play, showing how the planet became uninhabitable) A paradise, until we destroyed it. The founding of the United Ranger Corps, one thousand years ago, was a global military effort. An evacuation of Earth.

NC: Dude, what's with the accent? Was your mother Matthew McConaughey?

Kitai: (vo) The aliens released the Ursa. (giant alien creature attacks the screen)

NC: (vo) Oh, yeah, quick side note-- did we forget to mention there's aliens in this world? There's aliens in this world. Quite pointlessly to be honest, as we never see or find out anything about them. Hell, we don't even know what they're called.

NC: They're just referred to as "aliens".

NC: (vo) It'd make sense if they had them be the ones that destroyed the Earth, but then we couldn't get our "man anal fucks environment" message that I'm sure this film is the first one to introduce. (posters of movies like Ferngully, An Inconvenient Truth, Once Upon a Forest, Avatar, and Wall-E appear)

(alien ships drop the Ursas onto Nova Prime)

Kitai: (vo) Technically blind, the Ursa sees humans based on the pheromones we secrete when frightened. They literally smell our fear.

NC: (vo) So, the Ursa-- (onscreen) Wait a minute, they named to pets of the aliens, but not the aliens themselves? (beat) JESUS, GUYS! (vo) --start wiping the human race out, but then a lone hero writes himself into the story.

(cut to battle scene, with Cypher Raige walking calmly past the troops fighting an Ursa, until he's close enough to it, attacking with his cutlass)

Kitai: (vo) And that answer came in the form of the Prime Commander, Cypher Raige.

NC: (stifled laugh) ... I'm sorry, what was that totally run-of-the-mill average name again?

Kitai: (vo) The Prime Commander, Cypher Raige.

NC: (trying to hold in laughter) ... Was Lieutenant "Man Awesome" already taken?

NC: (vo) Look at this shot! It's like the penis compensation of introductions; the hummer, pick-up truck, and convertible all rolled into one.

Kitai: (vo) He's believed to be so completely free of fear, that to an Ursa, he's invisible.

NC: (vo) Will, everybody already wants to be you. You don't need to build yourself up like this. This is like Hugh Hefner trying to convince us he can shoot lasers from his eyes. (picture of Hugh Hefner surrounded by models, as his eyes start glowing red) There's just no need. We're fucking jealous enough! (scene changes to the "Nova Prime Human Settlement" on the "Nova Solar System") So in the Nova training grounds, we see a young group of students wearing the same skintight jumpsuits that are pretty much worn in every fucking future movie.

Kitai is seen running faster than the other rangers.

NC: (vo, as one of the Rangers) Don't pass him; that's Will Smith's kid! (vo, as the rest of the Rangers) Ah!

Velan: Your test scores were very impressive. In the classroom you are an outstanding Ranger, but in the field you collapse.

NC: (vo) Um... how? You never showed us an example of that.

Velan: I'm not advancing you.

NC: (vo) Jesus--I've said this a million times, Shymalan; show, don't tell! Or at least have what you're showing match up with what you're telling. Based on the two seconds from what we've seen, how is he not performing well? Is it because he cut in line while running? I think an inadequate course could clear that right up! We then see Cypher Raige... (NC is seen with his head down, laughing) ...come home to a world so clearly technologically advanced that apparently, they need rubber bands on their chopsticks.

Kitai: I was not advanced to Ranger.

Cypher: You were not advanced to Ranger...

Kitai: I was not advanced to Ranger, Sir!

NC: (vo) As you can see, Cypher Raige-- (onscreen, laughing) sorry, that will never not be funny-- (vo) is a man who has built his life around having no emotion so he can defeat the enemy... except for this very strange out-of-nowhere spaz-out.

Cypher: Are you asking me or telling me?

Kitai: May I go to my room, sir?

Cypher: DENIED! SIT DOWN!

NC: (vo) It's weird because he doesn't act like this at all throughout the rest of the movie. Even in scenes where he should be angry, he plays it very bland and dull. Most of his performance is like watching the dead corpse of (shows picture of) Mr. Potato Head, yet for some reason he blows up here.

Kitai: May I go to my room, sir?

Cypher: DENIED! SIT DOWN!

NC: (as Cypher) You will not make me have an emotion in a Shymalan film again!