A Troll in Central Park
June 08, 2010
The Nostalgia Critic is walking angrily around the room. He is so angry that he cannot address the audience calmly.
NC: This movie...!
NC growls and walks around again.
NC: I mean, it's...DAH!
NC starts to walk around again.
NC: Hey, it's really... FUCKITY FUCK, FUCK! Okay. I apologize...FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!
NC seems to calm down.
NC: Okay. I'm really sorry, It's just... Man! Is this a bad one?! I mean, just saying the title of this movie pisses me off. That's how bad it is. Watch... (clears throat) A Troll in Central... FUCK THIS MOVIE! (punches self) A Troll in Central Park.
Footage of A Troll in Central Park is shown.
NC: (voiceover) I mean, talk about pandering to your kids and not having any respect for their intelligence. Often considered Don Bluth's worst film, this movie doesn't even seem like a real kid's movie. It seems like a parody of a kid's movie. (brief footage of the Happy Little Elves from The Simpsons is played) You know on a show when you see kids watching TV and some over-the-top nonsense is playing that obviously nobody put any thought into? You know, cause it's in the background, and nobody needs to pay attention to it. Yeah, imagine a whole movie like that. Just a complete waste of time that has nothing to offer! I don't care if it's innocent and cutesy, it's a piece of shit, with no constructive creativity that any audience member can see.
NC: I had to sit though it, now you're gonna sit through it! Let us venture through A Troll in Central Park. (pause) GOD!!
NC: (voiceover) So at first, you think, the movie's gonna be kinda cool. There's these dark backgrounds, some neat looking monsters. This awesome looking creepy place is known as the Kingdom of Trolls. And then, (sighs) our main character appears. His name is Stanley, and the only way to describe him is imagine Bilbo Baggins just ate the Lucky Charms leprechaun and got shit out through Dopey's anus. (Images of said characters are shown) And that's the nice version.
Stanley: I'm just a sweet William -- uh, I mean Stanley -- to do it.
NC: (voiceover) He's voiced by Dom DeLuise. Imagine, Dom DeLuise in a Don Bluth movie. It turns out he has a magic green thumb that can make (dripping with sarcasm) precious, beautiful flowers appear. The only downside is that flowers aren't allowed in the Kingdom of Trolls.
Troll Guard: Say, what was that? (laughs stupidly)
NC: (laughs) I laugh to hide the uncontrollable fear of losing my mother. (laughs)
Troll Guard: I thought I saw one of them, um...um...um... flower things. Oh, well, have a rotten day. (singing as he walks away) I'm a bad troll, a very bad troll.
NC: (voiceover) Okay. This is what happens when you let your five-year-old write the screenplay.
Kid's Voice: (off screen) And then the troll says "I'm a bad troll."
NC: (at a laptop) Oh, that's good, son. (types this) And then the troll said "I'm a bad troll."
Kid's Voice: (off screen) I have to go potty.
NC: Oh, even better! (types) And then he says, "I have to go potty."
Kid's Voice: (off screen) No, really, I have to go potty.
NC: Oh, yeah, uh, go ahead. Go. Go potty. (thinks) Still a good line, though.
NC: (voiceover) So, Stanley goes to his house and- oh God- as if Hobbits couldn't get any gayer.
Stanley: (to one of his flowers) You know, Violet, what this garden needs is a big rosy-posy, right there.
NC: (voiceover) But the other trolls suspect the pansy-growing pansy as they approach him outside.
Troll: For your crime, you are going before the number one flower hater in the land... (pokes Staney in the chest) Gnorga!!!
NC: (voiceover) Isn't that a weird name. Sounds like the sound you make when you sneeze and hiccup at the same time.
NC: (fakes a sneeze) Guh-nor...(fakes a hiccup) ga!
Gnorga: (singing) No face shall smile. No star shall glow.
NC: (voiceover) Boy, Lindsay Lohan really let herself go, didn't she?
Gnorga starts cackling as her men carry her away, chanting "Touch our queen and turn to stone". I know, lame, huh?
NC: (voiceover) So she is the Queen of trolls, and spends most of her time singing songs that would actually make Andrew Lloyd Weber sound original.
Gnorga: (singing) It feels delicious to be so vicious. I'm Gnorga, the queen of mean.
NC: (mocking her) I'm so animalistic to be cannibalistic! Bad is rad, and I'm ballistic, hoo-hoo!
Gnorga: (about Stanley) He is kind, he is good, he is gentle. And he is giving a bad name to trolls everywhere! Stone him!
NC: (voiceover) Oh, trust me. I think enough people involved in this movie have been stoned already.
Gnorga: I won't have him growing anymore of those things!
NC: Need I remind you, (singing) we are bad trolls.
NC: (voiceover) So her husband recommends not stoning him, but rather banishing him to a place without flowers.
Llort: I know a place, rock and steel, where nothing grows. Why, it's a shoo-in for the tabloids.
NC: (voiceover) So, without even knowing where the place he's talking about is, she sends him directly there.
The rock that Stanley is imprisoned in shoots out of the Kingdom of Trolls as Gnorga cackles.
NC: (voiceover) Yeah, she sends him to the land of rock and steel, where nothing grows, in...Central Park, New York...okay, did you guys even read your own script?! There's flowers everywhere, you morons! So he arrives in Central Park -- seriously, it's called a park, how can you not know flowers grow there? -- as he's given a traditional New York welcome.
Stanley meets a dog who growls at him - wouldn't we all?
Stanley: Oh, hello.
NC: (scary voiceover) ZUUL MOTHERFU--HEY! (Stanley runs away; now in normal voice) So he runs around in, I guess, what's supposed to be a chase scene, but it goes on forever! Come on, Bluth, you're telling a story, not one of your Dragon's Lair games!
Yellow arrows appear as Stanley avoids traffic, eventually saying FUCK IT! as he dives into a sewer.
NC: (voiceover) So he finally ends up under a bridge -- get it? Troll under a bridge. Ha-ha -- as he decides to take rest in a giant bed of marijuana leaves. Hey, I think I'm starting to see the inspiration for this movie. OK, so we cut to two kids named Rosie and Gus, and their parents, who, for some reason, are played by Jonathan Pryce and Hayley Mills. Just listen to how well they hide their British accents. (in other words, very badly)
Alan: You know, I have an important case to prepare for.
Hillary: I have an open house in Park Avenue today.
NC: (scoffs) Sounds about as convincing as House. (audience boos) Oh, come on, it's obvious! It's so incredibly obvious!
Alan: The park will have to come later.
Gus: It always has to be later! Why can't we ever do what I want to do?!
Hillary: Your father works very, very hard to make our life nice, children. You have to learn to appreciate that.
NC: (As Hilary) Yes. We all have to appreciate what we have. For example, I could have been the star of Saved By the Bell. I was the star of Saved By the Bell. And yet, for some reason, I'm not the star of Saved By the Bell. (snaps) Good Morning, Miss Bliss, my fucking ass! Er... Sorry.
NC: (voiceover) So while you're probably wondering why two British parents raised non-British kids, Gus puts a sign on the door to keep Maria the housekeeper out of his room.
Gus: Stay out, Maria! (slams his door) Hey, Rosie, want to go with me? (giggles)
Maria walks by the door vacuuming and listen to music on her headphones. She then notices the sign before walking away.
NC: (voiceover, mocking Maria) Well, it does say "Privit, Kep out." So, I guess I'd better follow the directions.
Gus and Rosie literally sneak right past Maria and out the door.
NC: (voiceover) OK. This is why there's a difference between a housekeeper and a babysitter! Didn't they teach you that in jolly old London? So the kids go down to Central Park, where they get in all sorts of dangers - thank you, Maria - as we listen to some of the brilliant dialogue that our writers came up with for Rosie.
Rosie: Boat. Bug! Butterfly! Flower. Hi.
NC: That's great, honey. Can you say these words as well? (the words "annoying", "obnoxious", "tedious", "stupid", "grating", "mind-numbing", and "revolting" appear on screen) I knew you could.
NC: (voiceover) So Rosie finally stumbles upon Stanley, as they partake in several minutes of undeluded filler.
Stanley creates a flower which looks around and walks -- no, bounces -- up to Stanley. It steals his hat and puts it on and continues bouncing as Stanley chases it. He eventually retrieves his hat and starts bouncing himself with a horrible smile on his face.
NC: (voiceover) And this is pretty much it, people. Just a whole hour of watching things bounce and smile. That's the entire movie. Don't believe me? Just keep watching.
Sure enough, all that happens is the flower, still with a goofy smile on its face, sends a ladybug away, slowly angering the Critic.
NC: (voiceover) God! This is the equivalent of waving your keys in front of a baby's face. This movie is on par with keys!
Rosie kisses Stanley. He giggles in delight and flies into the air with joy.
NC: (voiceover) Um, should he really react this way to a toddler kissing him? I mean, if any people YOU knew reacted this way, especially in Central Park, I don't think you'd watch with charm at all. I think you'd probably call the cops.
Stanley: Oh, please, tell me your name.
Stanley: (gasps) Rosie. Did you hear...? (gasps) Rosie. Oh, yes, I like that a lot.
NC: TELL A STORY!
NC: (voiceover) Seriously, there's only so much whimsical pandering an audience can take! Do something of substance!
Stanley: (singing) I like to close my eyes...
NC: No, no, no! Not sing, not sing!
Stanley: (singing) Oh, and absolutely green. Birds singing happy songs...
NC: (voiceover) Good God! My Little Pony, the Care Bears, Teletubbies, Cabbage Patch Kids, The Smurfs, Barbie, Pound Puppies, Rainbow Brite, Strawberry Shortcake, Barney the Dinosaur, all the High School Musicals, Jem, and the goddamn Get Along Gang are fucking butch (word Butch appears on screen) compared to this! (Gus falls into the cave) Oh, thank God, an interruption.
Gus: My boat! (which has smashed)
NC: (voiceover) So Gus comes across the troll and can't believe his eyes.
Stanley: I'm a troll.
Flowers: And he's a good troll!
Gus: Talking flowers? This is weird.
NC: This is weird?! Uh-uh. Weird is when your alarm clock goes off like five minutes early. This is an abomination of annoyance!
NC: (voiceover) So Gus wants to take Rosie away, which causes her to start crying. This...somehow gets the attention of the queen.
Gnorga: It's a baby crying! (Rosie is shown bawling in the crystal) Oh, she sounds so miserable!
NC: (as Gnorga) There's probably millions of babies crying all over the world, but this one in particular I want to home in on!
Flower 1: Hey, this is serious.
Flower 2: Ah, step aside, chumps! I'll show youse how to make the kid smile!
NC: (voiceover) So, because Rosie's crying seems to be the first big dilemma in this movie, the flowers try to cheer her up.
Flower 3: Come on, follow me!
Flower 4: Oh, boy.
They start doing a stupid interpretive dance which only makes the Critic angrier.
NC: (voiceover) Oh, my God! Do something important! I can't take this. I really can't. This is the guy who directed The Secret of NIMH, one of my all time favorite movies. How did he bring himself to such a fucking low?!
NC: I'll tell you how. It's that goddamn troll! Yeah, that fucking little troll. He's the cause of all of this, and I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind!
He grabs a cell phone and dials a number. A picture of Stanley appears on the left side of the screen.
Stanley: (voiceover) Hello, this is Stanley the Troll! Happy, happy, happy.
NC: Stanley, how dare you destroy a great animator's career with your mere existence!
Stanley: (voiceover) Oh, but I didn't, Mr. Critic. I'm sharing all the goo-goo-goo-goodness that came from flowers, sunshine and animals that smile with their mouths open.
NC: Yeah, but couldn't you make something with a little more intelligence and charm to it? I mean, this is so annoying!
Stanley: (voiceover) But annoyance is part of my charm. I'm like that cute little puppy who barks a lot, or a unicorn's horn shoved up your ass, or pancreatic cancer.
NC: Okay, look, I'm just gonna hang up. Obviously, I'm getting nowhere with you.
Stanley: (voiceover) Be sure to share lots of hugs. Hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs!
NC: (hangs up; Stanley's picture disappears) Oh, God. There's more movie.
NC: (voiceover) Okay, so the queen of trolls finds out that Stanley is still alive. So she decides to rip off Alice in Wonderland and make Gus' tears literally cry him a river.
Gus: What's happening?!
Stanley: It's Gnorga! She's put a curse on you!
NC: (voiceover) But Stanley's green thumb actually makes...a larger boat -- Hi, how can he do that? -- as they float on the river of tears.
Gus: How'd that happen?
Stanley: You believed in saving your sister so much, your power was stronger than Gnorga's.
NC: (voiceover) But that still doesn't explain where the fucking boat came from!
Stanley: Anything that's real starts with a dream.
Gus: Dreams are silly.
Stanley: No! No, they're not! Look Gus, see this boat? This is no ordinary boat. This is a dream boat!
NC: (voiceover) Wait, so if you just dream that certain things will exist, they'll just magically exist?
NC: (voiceover) You can't just dream for something to happen and expect it to magically happen! That's not how life works! Hell, if that was true, I would wish for a waterfall to drown those little bastards-oh, hey! (the boat goes down a waterfall)
Gus: We're gonna crash!
The boat begins falling, making the Critic eager.
NC: All right! Now I wish for you to crash and burn!
The boat starts flying before it crashes; I know, stupid, right?
Stanley: No way. (the Critic looks confused) This is my dream, and nobody gets hurt in MY dreams.
NC: Son of a bitch. (calls Stanley up again)
Stanley: (voiceover) Pretty, pretty, pretty. Yes?
NC: Hey, how come your dreaming is so much more powerful than my dreaming?
Stanley: (voiceover) Oh, that's because I have buttery butterflies, beautiful flowers, and the wasted talent of ex-Disney animators!
NC: YOU ARE SCUM!
Stanley: (voiceover) I love you!
The Critic hangs up.
NC: (voiceover) So Stanley and the kids sail through a world of magic, literally done just through the power of dreaming. That's the only explanation. What are you trying to teach our kids, movie? That if you just dream, your dog will come back to life or your parents will get back together? Dammit, you need logistics, and a system in place to execute that vision! This isn't pandering to your kids, it's simple logic! Dreams don't happen by just...dreaming, you make it happen! The phrase is "Follow your dreams", not just "Dream" alone! That makes no sense! And sweet Jesus, this musical number is still going! What's the point?! What's the purpose?! It doesn't further the story! It's not funny, it's not entertaining! Why are you still on?!
The painfully bad song continues on as the boat continues to fly through the village.
NC: (voiceover) No, you know what? I got it. I know what the intended audience for this was. This is for babies who are high. No, no, pets who are high. No, no, pets' fleas who are high. No, no, you know what? This movie was intended for your wall. Just show it to your wall and maybe, possibly, it will be entertained. But to be honest, even THAT'S doubtful. Here's the last wall that they showed the movie to.
The ending of Poltergeist where the house implodes is shown.
Man's voice: Should have rented Iron Giant.
NC: (voiceover) So everybody...sleeps, because I guess it's the movie's naptime, as Ganon's wife here decides to go down to Central Park and destroy Stanley for good. (Gnorga's tornado obliterates Central Park) So she obliterates all the trees, as...nobody calls the cops about it...and the kids wake up to find that Central Park daytime is looking an awful lot like Central Park nighttime. The kids decide it's time to go home as they wander through the wasteland.
Gnorga and Llort sneak up behind Gus and Rosie riding bikes and ringing their bells.
NC: (voiceover, chuckling) Okay, I think the bike sort of ruins whatever threatening effect you were going for there.
Gus and Rosie see Gnorga moving towards them, cackling at the top of her lungs and run for their lives.
Gus: Hang on, Rosie! Hang on!
NC: (voiceover) So after an annoying chase scene, the queen captures Rosie as Gus tries to get Stanley to help rescue her.
Stanley: Yeah, but what can I do?
Gus: What about all your powers, Mr. "You gotta believe" green thumb?
NC: Yeah, tell that Rice Krispie elf!
Stanley: My prestidigitation is no match for Gnorga's magic.
Gus: Oh, sure! You're just saying that, because you're scared to fight her! (the flowers gasp)
NC: (gasps) Did he actually suggest that somebody had balls in this movie?
Stanley: I'd help you if I could, but I can't! She'll turn me to stone, and I don't want to be rockenized.
Gus: You'll never have a dream come true! And you know why?
NC: Take your pick. (A huge list of Stanley's faults covers the screen: He's annoying. He's obnoxious. He won't shut up. He's a pansie. He sings to flowers. He's as bland as Edward from Twilight. He's vomitingly cute. His logic makes no sense. He needs to die. He's looks like a rejected Muppet. He's a coward. He has three teeth. He lives a delusional nutball. He lives in Central Park yet is still alive. He's ruining this whole friggin' movie, as well as cinema in general. The Oompa Loompas could beat him up. He makes Mini-Me look tall. He gets excited when toddlers kiss him. He's the only troll more annoying than the ones from Encyclopedia Dramatica. A termite has bigger balls than him. Did I mention he's annoying?)
Gus: You're a coward!
NC: (all words except "He's a coward" disappear) Good choice.
NC: (voiceover) So after Gus frees Rosie from the cage that wasn't even locked, the queen and her husband chase after the two as she turns Gus into a troll himself. This sort of backfires, though, as now, he has the power to turn people into stone, which begs the question: why did she turn him in the first place?
Rosie runs to the edge of the cliff; Gus chases after her but she falls off; you know, for kids.
NC: It's okay, kid, all you have to do is dreeeeeeeeeeeeam...! (watches as Rosie falls to her apparent death followed by a thud) Huh. I failed.
Gus cries over his sister's apparent death.
NC: (voiceover) So, gee, I guess Rosie's really dead. They're not gonna fake us out or anything, are they?
To the Back to the Future theme, the flying boat reappears with Stanley and Rosie on it.
NC: (voiceover) So Stanley finally nuts up and tries to defeat the queen.
Gnorga: What do we have here?
Stanley and Gnorga glare at each other, light up their thumbs and clash them together to Duel of the Fates from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.
NC: (voiceover) So after they literally declare thumb war, Stanley wins with his flower power. But I guess the queen uses her power controlling thumbs -- yeah, that's one of her powers now -- to use Gus' thumb to turn Stanley into stone.
Stanley's turned to stone; the Critic and the audience cheer.
NC: Hooray! Whoo-whoo-whoo!
The boat disappears, sending the kids flying into their room and stone Stanley where he belongs -- the trash.
NC: (voiceover) But then, the queen turns into a rosebush -- it happens -- which causes her magic to wear off and return Gus to normal, which is weird, because that would mean Stanley would return back to normal as well -- oh, who cares? Our British parents return home for one more cameo, as we find out the moral of this story. Yeah, that's right, there's a moral. Listen to this.
Alan: You know, your mother and I, we've, uh -- we've thought of a few real fun things we could do today.
Gus: Dad, do you think today, maybe, we could do what I want to do?
NC: (voiceover) Ah, so that's the slapped on, last minute lesson of this tale. If you don't get what you want, demand it more! What a wonderful lesson for kids. After all, this was the boy who politely asked...
Gus: (from earlier) Why can't we ever do what I want to do?! I want to do what I want to do!
NC: (voiceover) So, I guess it only figures he should get a reward for being so patient. (beat) Blow me. So they go to the obliterated Central Park, as they place Stanley in the woods. Gus uses his magic thumb that he now has- consistency, what's that?- as it appears to have no effect on him, until...
Gus and Rosie turn to leave, but turn around to see Stanley's gone.
People in Life of Brian: He's been taken up! He has been taken up! (much better and funnier Monty Python dialogue)
Stanley appears alive in a tree, singing "Absolutely Green".
Stanley: (singing) I like to close my eyes...
Gus: Stanley! Stanley!
NC: (voiceover) So Stanley comes back to life, the kids' parents... never turn around, so I guess they never see him, and he rebuilds Central Park with his enchanted powers.
Central Park is turned green again, but Stanley doesn't stop there; soon the entire city is covered in plants; seriously, the city is covered by flowers and no one notices!
Stanley: (singing) That's how the world can be if we just wanted. Maybe 'cause no one's concentrating...
NC: (voiceover) Uh, okay, Stanley, you're going a bit too far now. Dude, Stanley, what are you doing? You're engulfing the entire city!
Stanley: (singing) We could fill everywhere with flowers...
NC: (voiceover) Oh, my God! Was this your evil plan all along?! To enslave the city to carnivorous plant life? Stop it!
Stanley: (singing) We could live in a world that's...
NC: (voiceover) What, did you team up with Poison Ivy? This is like supervillain stuff! The world's economy is going to collapse because New York has been overgrown by a giant hedge!
Stanley: (singing) ...that's bright and shiny, and absolutely green.
NC: (voiceover) Okay, so Stanley enslaves New York, because...he can dream it, I guess, and that's the end.
NC: Whoo! Boy, was this a hard one. I mean, I love Don Bluth, but this was shit!
Montage of clips play out as NC gives his closing thoughts.
NC: (voiceover) You ever get stoned or drunk with a bunch of friends and you were the first one to start sobering up and you realize how stupid everyone was acting? That's this movie. I mean it. I didn't even show you half of the pandering or the pointless filler that this movie had. It has no atmosphere, the characters are annoying, the lessons are tagged on, and it just makes no sense. It's junk food, brightly colored junk food for the mind. And I personally hate how it talks down to kids while offering virtually nothing in return. I mean, I don't mind mindless entertainment for kids, but it has to at least be entertainment. This is the kind of movie that thinks children will watch anything, and it really pisses me off.
NC: In fact, I'm going to call that obnoxious little troll one last time. (calls Stanley up)
Stanley: (voiceover) Posy, posy, I love posies. Hello?
NC: Hey, Stanley. You, know, your movie inspired me greatly and, uh...
Stanley: (voiceover) Oh, that's beautiful.
NC: Yeah. And I finally realized that I think I can dream just as strong as you can dream, maybe even outdream you. So, I've a very special dream lined up for you right now. I hope you enjoy it. (starts to think)
Stanley: (voiceover) Oh, that's wonderful, Mr. Critic. I sure hope that it involves flowers and butterflies and... oh, uh, excuse me, there appears to be a porcupine growing out of my anus. (the Critic nods) Oh, wow, yes, that's incredibly painful, actually. Oh, yes, incredible amount of pain. Ha, ha. Oh, oh, now it's transformed into a Tyrannosaurus Rex. (the Critic smiles and nods) Hello, Mr. Lizard, how are... (roaring) Oh, God, he's eating my orchards, he's eating my orchards! Oh, God! Oh, this is incredibly bad...
NC: Yes. (To the viewers) I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
Stanley: ...Oh, my nads! My enchanted nads!
Stanley: (during "The End") Ow! Please! Please! GOD! I still love you!
Channel Awesome Tag: I'm a bad troll.