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A Nightmare on Elm Street
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Released
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November 11, 2014
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Running time
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22:45
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(We see the trailer for A Nightmare On Elm Street and subtitles reading STONED GREMLIN PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS... THE CINEMA SNOB... STARRING BRAD JONES/ILLUSTRATION BY SHAUN MILLINGTON/CREATED AND EDITED BY BRAD JONES)
(We see a bald Cinema Snob sitting on his blue checkered chair)
CS: It a big anniversary week for horror films, ladies and gentlemen. That's right, it's the 10th anniversary of Saw. That horrendous exploitation film that was nothing but torture porn, even though it wasn't that graphic of a movie at all. No matter, in honor of the anniversary of the film that still birthed the Hostel franchise. Let's look back at--
(he speaks through his hand-phone)
CS: What do you mean it's gone from theatres already? What do you mean, "No-one gave a shit"?!
(He hangs up irritated)
CS: Well. The fuck else can I spotlight on the show? Surely there's not some other big anniversary for a popular series of horror films.
(Poster for A Nightmare On Elm Street shows up)
CS: (voiceover) Wait. It is the 30th anniversary of the Nightmare On Elm Street Franchise.
CS: Why the fuck didn't they just re-release that to theaters? Now, I know you're expecting me to do one of the film's lesser sequels but I can't do that. I haven't done the first one yet. And then you'd just be confused.
(Montage is shown)
CS: (voiceover) Freddy Krueger is the original man of your dreams, the Willy Wonka of sleep, if you will, and the most likable child molester of all time. Spawning music videos, videogames, and TV series, I guess a lot of people like this guy.
CS: I personally do not approve of movie serial killers being marketed towards children, and I am going to express my outrage by expressing my outrage and then moving on to something else.
(Montage is shown)
CS: (voiceover) A Nightmare On Elm Street is the brain-child of writer/director Wes Craven, who was inspired by a series of L.A. Times articles detailing about immigrants from southeast Asia, who had died in their sleep after trying desperately hard to stay awake.
CS: Well, I think the answer is obvious: Freddy Krueger did it.
CS: (voiceover) But enough of me proving that I've seen the Never Sleep Again documentary. What does a Cinema Snob like me think of one of the most popular and lucrative horror franchises of all time?
CS: Of course I don't like it. If I want to see a movie about sleep, I will stick with the science of sleep, thank you very much.
(The review begins)
CS: (voiceover) Ugh, looks like I accidentally got a bootleg version of the film. Zoom in, dammit! And how am I supposed to be excited if an egg made it? I don't care how smart it is.
CS: Okay, so what's gonna happen? Is Freddy gonna start rapping, or is he gonna turn someone into a cockroach, or teleport them into a videogame?
(Snob witnesses Freddy's knife-glove pierce through fabric)
CS: (shudders) This, this doesn't seem funny at all.
CS: (voiceover) Okay, maybe the shenanigans come in to play later in the film. (looks at the credits) "Introducing Johnny Depp"? This was years before Alice In Wonderland introduced Johnny Depp. And is it really necessary for horror movie to continually slander boiler rooms? Boiler rooms are essential to important facilities such as hospitals and power plants, and they deserve our respect. I can't see this dream turning out well.
(Tina, one of the teenage protagonists of the film is jumped by Freddy, and then wakes up startled. Tina's mom comes into her room.)
Tina's mom: You okay, Tina?
Tina Grey (Amanda Wyss): Just a dream, ma.
(She notices rips on her nightgown)
CS: Ugh! That's not how dreams work!
CS: (voiceover) Good luck waking up for school the next day.
(As Tina goes back to sleep, three creepy children playing jump rope say a creepy nursery rhyme)
Creepy Children: One, two, Freddie's coming for you... Three, four, better lock your door.
CS: Well, I'd be having nightmares too, if my neighbors were made up of creepy horror movie kids!
CS: (voiceover) Here we have our collection of heroes who will obviously make it through the entire movie.
Rod Lane (Jsu Garcia): (putting on a terrible New York accent) Hey, up yours with a twirling lawn mower!
CS: (voiceover) Yes, even Fonzie is immune to the hauntings of Freddy. Tina is having some horrible nightmares, but obviously, there's a rational explanation for it.
Tina: Maybe we're gonna have a big earthquake. They say things get really weird just before.
CS: Makes sense. Before the Northridge Earthquake of 1994, I woke up with gummi bears in my ass and lizards down my throat. I also took acid.
CS: (voiceover) Before anything else terrible happens, we need to see them be hilarious first.
Glen Lantz (Johnny Depp): (putting on a tape recorder of motorcycle stunts and talking to his mom on the phone) Huh? Yeah, noisy as usual. Yeah. Yeah, sure I-- Um, just some kids drag racing outside, I think. Some neighbor's having a fight, I guess. I'm fine. I'll call you in the morning.
(Fart noise is heard)
CS: Ugh, so juvenile. My jokes, that is, my jokes are very juvenile.
CS: (voiceover) But Tina's friend Nancy (Heather Langenkamp) senses something very familiar about Tina's dreams.
Tina: All day long, I've been seeing that guy's weird face, and hearing those fingernails.
Nancy Thompson (Heather Langenkamp): Fingernails? That's amazing you saying that, That reminded me of the dream I had last night.
CS: (voiceover) You both dreamed about Coffin Joe? At least Johnny Depp's Glen is here to be the voice of reason.
Glen: That's impossible.
CS: Not true. Johnny Depp and Nicholas Cage have both had recurring nightmares about Jerry Bruckheimer.
CS: (voiceover) When a noise is heard outside, Johnny Depp goes into full-on Nightmare-on-21 Jump Street-mode. Minus the saxophone, of course.
(Rod tackles Glen)
Rod: And it's Rod Lane, bringing Lantz down just three yards from the goal line!
CS: (voiceover) Oh, if you want the slumber party massacre set, it's a few houses down. And yet another perfectly good teen comedy is ruined by sex.
Rod: We got her mother's bed. You two got the rest.
CS: (voiceover) (as Glen) Excellent. We can have fuck in the broom closet. Or not.
(Glen listens to the sounds of inappropriateness)
CS: That's what it's like for my roommate whenever I have to watch porn.
CS: (voiceover) (As Rod) Ahh, I was wonderful. (Normal) Enough to give her deadly fucking nightmares. Now Freddy is taking advantage of Tina fear of serato.
(Cut to Freddy trying to kill Nancy through the wall)
CS: (voiceover) And that is not how walls work, movie. I don't care if you do live in a latex house. All it took was for one psychopath in the 80's to take advantage on everyone being a lucid dreamer.
(Cut to Freddy extending his arms and chasing Tina)
Oh, good you're safe. Mr. Fantastic is here. Wait, that's not Mr. Fantastic at all. These effects are way better. Why is it showing his face? I don't like that it's not showing his face.
(Freddy jumps out of the bushes)
CS: (voiceover) Oh, there it is.
(Freddy cuts off 2 fingers of his left hand and chuckles)
CS: Good one, jackass! Now you have to create another glove for your injured hand!
CS: (voiceover) On the bright side, this isn't nearly as bad as the the nightmare Tina has when she was stuck in a building with a killer baboon. Wait, has anyone made a "dancing on the cieling" joke to this scene? I need to know if anyone has ever referenced dancing on the cieling while watching this movie. They have? Well, fuck!
(Tina's dead body drops from the ceiling and splatters all over Rod)
CS: When is this movie gonna get funny? I want a complaint about how murder isn't funny!
CS: (voiceover) (As Tina) This case is way to gruesome for Officer Hanson, gonna have to bring in Officer Booker for this one.
(cut to the next scene, as cops are walking up a staircase to the police station)
Uh-oh, cops in a Wes Craven movie? Wait, John Saxon? These cops are too serious, when is one of them gonna fall off of a chicken coop? Every horror heroine need a detective John Saxon dad.
Nancy: You know Tina. She said this was gonna happen.
CS: (voiceover) (As Detective Donald Thompson (John Saxon)) Well, she also dreamed the Easter Bunny was making anal-beads out of hard-boiled eggs, but I don't see that happening.
(cut to the next scene)
CS: (voiceover) (As Nancy) Now to go to the one place I won't fall asleep: school.
Nancy: I'll sleep in study hall.
CS: (voiceover) Um, no, you'll sleep in chemistry class, that's what it's there for. While Tina's boyfriend Rod is on the loose for murder, I'm sure he's not dumb enough to--
(Rod jumps Tina in the bushes)
Rod: I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm not gonna hurt you.
CS: (voiceover) (as Rod) I've also got a confession. My real name isn't Nick Corry, it's Tsu Garcia. (normal) Eh