A Nightmare on Elm Street
November 11, 2014
(We see the trailer for A Nightmare On Elm Street and subtitles reading STONED GREMLIN PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS... THE CINEMA SNOB... STARRING BRAD JONES/ILLUSTRATION BY SHAUN MILLINGTON/CREATED AND EDITED BY BRAD JONES)
(We see a bald Cinema Snob sitting on his blue checkered chair)
CS: It a big anniversary week for horror films, ladies and gentlemen. That's right, it's the 10th anniversary of Saw. That horrendous exploitation film that was nothing but torture porn, even though it wasn't that graphic of a movie at all. No matter, in honor of the anniversary of the film that still birthed the Hostel franchise. Let's look back at--
(He speaks through his hand-phone)
CS: What do you mean it's gone from theatres already? What do you mean, "No-one gave a shit"?!
(He hangs up irritated)
CS: Well. The fuck else can I spotlight on the show? Surely there's not some other big anniversary for a popular series of horror films.
(Poster for A Nightmare On Elm Street shows up)
CS: (voiceover) Wait. It is the 30th anniversary of the Nightmare On Elm Street Franchise.
CS: Why the fuck didn't they just re-release that to theaters? Now, I know you're expecting me to do one of the film's lesser sequels but I can't do that. I haven't done the first one yet. And then you'd just be confused.
(Montage is shown)
CS: (voiceover) Freddy Krueger is the original man of your dreams, the Willy Wonka of sleep, if you will, and the most likable child molester of all time. Spawning music videos, videogames, and TV series, I guess a lot of people like this guy.
CS: I personally do not approve of movie serial killers being marketed towards children, and I am going to express my outrage by expressing my outrage and then moving on to something else.
(Montage is shown)
CS: (voiceover) A Nightmare On Elm Street is the brain-child of writer/director Wes Craven, who was inspired by a series of L.A. Times articles detailing about immigrants from southeast Asia, who had died in their sleep after trying desperately hard to stay awake.
CS: Well, I think the answer is obvious: Freddy Krueger did it.
CS: (voiceover) But enough of me proving that I've seen the Never Sleep Again documentary. What does a Cinema Snob like me think of one of the most popular and lucrative horror franchises of all time?
CS: Of course I don't like it. If I want to see a movie about sleep, I will stick with the science of sleep, thank you very much.
(The review begins)
CS: (voiceover) Ugh, looks like I accidentally got a bootleg version of the film. Zoom in, dammit! And how am I supposed to be excited if an egg made it? I don't care how smart it is.
CS: Okay, so what's gonna happen? Is Freddy gonna start rapping, or is he gonna turn someone into a cockroach, or teleport them into a videogame?
(Snob witnesses Freddy's knife-glove pierce through fabric)
CS: (shudders) This, this doesn't seem funny at all.
CS: (voiceover) Okay, maybe the shenanigans come in to play later in the film. (looks at the credits) "Introducing Johnny Depp"? This was years before Alice In Wonderland de-introduced Johnny Depp. And is it really necessary for horror movie to continually slander boiler rooms? Boiler rooms are essential to important facilities such as hospitals and power plants, and they deserve our respect. I can't see this dream turning out well.
(Tina, one of the teenage protagonists of the film is jumped by Freddy, and then wakes up startled. Tina's mom comes into her room.)
Tina's mom: You okay, Tina?
Tina Grey (Amanda Wyss): Just a dream, ma.
(She notices rips on her nightgown)
CS: Ugh! That's not how dreams work!
CS: (voiceover) Good luck waking up for school the next day.
(As Tina goes back to sleep, three creepy children playing jump rope say a creepy nursery rhyme)
Creepy Children: One, two, Freddy's coming for you... Three, four, better lock your door.
CS: Well, I'd be having nightmares too, if my neighbors were made up of creepy horror movie kids!
CS: (voiceover) Here we have our collection of heroes who will obviously make it through the entire movie.
Rod Lane (Jsu Garcia): (putting on a terrible New York accent) Hey, up yours with a twirling lawn mower!
CS: (voiceover) Yes, even Fonzie is immune to the hauntings of Freddy. Tina is having some horrible nightmares, but obviously, there's a rational explanation for it.
Tina: Maybe we're gonna have a big earthquake. They say things get really weird just before.
CS: Makes sense. Before the Northridge Earthquake of 1994, I woke up with gummi bears in my ass and lizards down my throat. I also took acid.
CS: (voiceover) Before anything else terrible happens, we need to see them be hilarious first.
Glen Lantz (Johnny Depp): (putting on a tape recorder of motorcycle stunts and talking to his mom on the phone) Huh? Yeah, noisy as usual. Yeah. Yeah, sure I-- Um, just some kids drag racing outside, I think. Some neighbor's having a fight, I guess. I'm fine. I'll call you in the morning.
(Fart noise is heard)
CS: Ugh, so juvenile. My jokes, that is, my jokes are very juvenile.
CS: (voiceover) But Tina's friend Nancy (Heather Langenkamp) senses something very familiar about Tina's dreams.
Tina: All day long, I've been seeing that guy's weird face, and hearing those fingernails.
Nancy Thompson (Heather Langenkamp): Fingernails? That's amazing you saying that, That reminded me of the dream I had last night.
CS: (voiceover) You both dreamed about Coffin Joe? At least Johnny Depp's Glen is here to be the voice of reason.
Glen: That's impossible.
CS: Not true. Johnny Depp and Nicolas Cage have both had recurring nightmares about Jerry Bruckheimer.
CS: (voiceover) When a noise is heard outside, Johnny Depp goes into full-on-"Nightmare on 21 Jump Street"-mode. Minus the saxophone, of course.
(Rod tackles Glen)
Rod: And it's Rod Lane, bringing Lantz down just three yards from the goal line!
CS: (voiceover) Oh, if you want the Slumber Party Massacre set, it's a few houses down. And yet another perfectly good teen comedy is ruined by sex.
Rod: We got her mother's bed. You two got the rest.
CS: (voiceover) (as Glen) Excellent. We can now fuck in the broom closet. Or not.
(Glen listens to the sounds of inappropriateness)
CS: That's what it's like for my roommate whenever I have to watch porn.
CS: (voiceover) (As Rod) Ahh, I was wonderful. (Normal) Enough to give her deadly fucking nightmares. Now Freddy is taking advantage of Tina fear of Cyrano de Bergerac.
(Cut to Freddy trying to kill Nancy through the wall)
CS: (voiceover) And that is not how walls work, movie. I don't care if you do live in a latex house. All it took was for one psychopath in the 80's to take advantage on everyone being a lucid dreamer.
(Cut to Freddy extending his arms and chasing Tina)
CS: Oh, good you're safe. Mr. Fantastic is here. Wait, that's not Mr. Fantastic at all. These effects are way better. Why is it showing his face? I don't like that it's not showing his face.
(Freddy jumps out of the bushes)
CS: (voiceover) Oh, there it is.
(Freddy cuts off 2 fingers of his left hand and chuckles)
CS: Good one, jackass! Now you have to create another glove for your injured hand!
CS: (voiceover) On the bright side, this isn't nearly as bad as the the nightmare Tina has when she was stuck in a building with a killer baboon. Wait, has anyone made a "Dancing on the Ceiling" joke to this scene? I need to know if anyone has ever referenced "Dancing on the Ceiling" while watching this movie. They have? Well, fuck!
(Tina's dead body drops from the ceiling and splatters all over Rod)
CS: When is this movie gonna get funny? I want a complaint about how murder isn't funny!
CS: (voiceover) This case is way to gruesome for Officer Hanson, gonna have to bring in Officer Booker for this one.
(cut to the next scene, as cops are walking up a staircase to the police station)
CS: (voiceover) Uh-oh, cops in a Wes Craven movie? Wait, John Saxon? These cops are too serious, when is one of them gonna fall off of a chicken coop? Every horror heroine need a detective John Saxon dad.
Nancy: You know Tina. She said this was gonna happen.
CS: (voiceover) (As Detective Donald Thompson (John Saxon)) Well, she also dreamed the Easter Bunny was making anal-beads out of hard-boiled eggs, but I don't see that happening.
(cut to the next scene)
CS: (voiceover) (As Nancy) Now to go to the one place I won't fall asleep: school.
Nancy: I'll sleep in study hall.
CS: (voiceover) Um, no, you'll sleep in chemistry class, that's what it's there for. While Tina's boyfriend Rod is on the loose for murder, I'm sure he's not dumb enough to--
(Rod jumps Tina in the bushes)
Rod: I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm not gonna hurt you.
CS: (voiceover) (as Rod) I've also got a confession. My real name isn't Nick Corry, it's Tsu Garcia.
(Donald arrives with a gun)
CS: (voiceover) Eh, I'm not used to seeing competent cops in a Wes Craven movie.
Donald: (aiming a gun at Rod) Real easy, like your ass depended on it.
CS: (voiceover) And then he shot him in the ass! Good, our murderer has been caught. Now the movie can be over.
Nancy: You used me!
Donald: What the hell were you doing going to school today for, anyway?
CS: (voiceover) (as Donald) You're 20 years old, why are you still in school? (normal) This is getting weird. I think this is the first horror movie with Lin Shaye in it where she doesn't explain what's going on. And, if you think that's odd, Laurie Strode is on the other side of the class being creeped on by Michael Myers.
CS: That, by the way is the other half of the same joke that I used in the Halloween episode.
CS: (voiceover) This isn't even a nightmare, this is just what she gets for going to school on April Fool's Day. Wait a minute, this is the movie Heather Langenkamp was watching in Wes Craven's New Nightmare.
(Cut to another boiler room scene as Freddy Krueger arrives)
CS: (voiceover) Ugh, another slap in the face to boiler rooms!
Nancy: (to Freddy) Who are you?
(Freddy spreads his knife-fingers across his own chest, splitting a nipple. Yellow fluid pours out: maggots and worms)
CS: Why are you drinking so much spoiled Ecto Cooler?
(Freddy chases Nancy to a dead end)
CS: (voiceover) I suppose this is where we get one of Freddy Krueger's famous one-liners.
Freddy: Come to Freddy.
Nancy: GODDAMN YOU!
(Freddy laughs and Nancy throws her left arm down on a hot pipe, burning her arm)
CS: This shit is creeping me out!
CS: (voicever) While Nancy flips her shit out in the classroom, Ilsa, Tigress of Siberia doesn't know what to think of this.
(Nancy looks at the burn mark on her arm)
CS: (voicever) And what the hell, someone in class gave her a hickie while she slept?
(Cut to prison, where it looks like Nancy's in a cell)
CS: (voicever) Hang on, they put her in prison for skipping class?
(It shows Rod behind bars)
CS: (voicever) Oh, okay. Sorry. Well, Rod's been locked up for a crime he didn't commit, I'm sure he's not having any nightmares.
Rod: There was this guy. He had knives for fingers.
CS: Pfft. This movie is such a rip-off of Mahakal.
(cut to Nancy, asleep in the bathtub. Freddy's hand eerily rises from the bubbles and pulls her under)
CS: (voiceover) And this is why you should definitely never have sex before marriage, vaginas have knives. Pfft. I've never seen a bathtub like this. When is he going to teleport somebody into a comic book?
(Cut to Nancy getting out of the bathtub, drying off, and watching The Evil Dead)
CS: (voiceover) Naturally, Nancy feels that she definitely has to stay awake now, but can you pick a much better film to watch? Your mother was in Nashville, that won't put you to sleep. Or just have Johnny Depp talk to you all night.
Glen: What'd you do to your arm?
Nancy: I burned it in English class.
CS: (voiceover) (as Glen) Look, we were reading Fahrenheit 451, all right? Anything else to add?
Nancy: Do you believe that people can dream about whats going to happen?
Glen: (after a dramatic pause) No.
CS: (voiceover) That's why he said, "yes" to Dark Shadows.
CS: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo, I am a serious dick.
CS: (voiceover) Nancy comes up with a fantastic plan to test her "scary dream man" theory, and it involves breaking curfew.
Nancy: Glen? Are you still watching?
(Glen comes out of the bushes)
Glen: Yeah, so?
CS: (voiceover) Okay, if they have the power of inception, this power should have been dealt with by now, and with a fantastic Hans Zimmer soundtrack. I don't ever remember seeing something like this happen in a Christopher Nolan movie, and he made a movie called Insomnia.
(Cut to a centipede scurrying out of Tina's mouth, and frightening Nancy)
CS: (voiceover) Ugh, now he's chasing her down the street? I don't know why, but that makes this movie sexist.
(Cut to Nancy being slowed down by stepping in holes in the staircase)
CS: (voiceover) You ought to stop stepping in the oatmeal holes that are already marked. That's slowing you down. This movie's not scaring me.
Nancy: (looking in the mirror) It's just a dream, this isn't real. This is just a dream, he isn't real. He isn't real.
(Freddy bursts through the mirror, showering the room with glass)
CS: (clutching the left side of his chest in terror) Aah! (he growls) I'm blaming Johnny Depp for scaring the shit out of me like that!
Nancy: (Angrily, to Glen) I asked you to do just one thing. Just stay awake and watch me -- Just wake me up if it looked like I was having a bad dream. And what did you do? You shit!
CS: (voiceover) (As Nancy) Off to private resort for you, mister.
(Cut to Rod's neck being wrapped with sheets by an invisible Freddy)
CS: (voiceover) Only a matter of time now before Freddy -- Wait, this is one of those Final Destination movies. Surely Tony Todd will show up to give the same speech he gives in all those movies.
(Cut to Rod dangling, dead. Nancy and Glen enter the cell, distraught at seeing him dead)
(Donald and Lt. Garcia unhook Rod)
CS: The plus side is, he came so hard.
CS: (voiceover) And he got a burial spot right next to Howard Stark. (points a gravestone saying, "Stark".) I don't like seeing the consequences of death in these movies.
Minister: May Rod Lane rest in peace.
CS: (voiceover) You know what this needs? His soul on top of a pizza. (shows a pizza, replacing mushrooms with ghost faces.)
CS: (voiceover) And palm trees (Reffering to the background behind Donald)? Still not buying that this is Haddonfield, Illinois.
(Cut to Marge and Nancy walking to Katja Institute, a sleep therapy clinic)
CS: (voiceover) I really don't see the point of this sleep specialist either, seeing how the head doctor is Roger Rabbit (Charles Fleischer).
Marge: Please, Nancy, trust us.
Nancy: It's not you I don't trust. It's just...
CS: (voiceover) (As Nancy) It's just that that guy can't even take care of a cigar-smoking baby.
(Cut to Marge and Charles Fleischer watching Nancy from another room, Marge takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke)
CS: (voiceover) Don't worry, I'm sure this facility is on the up and up, you can smoke anywhere you goddamn like,
(Cut to Nancy on a TV monitor, asleep)
CS: (voiceover) I think I know where this is going.
(Cut to various numbers on a black screen)
Fleischer: ...Something's wrong, it never gets this high.
(Nancy is on the screen again, Freddy's claws are heard scraping as she begins to convulse in her sleep)
THIS TRANSCRIPT IS UNFINISHED