(We see Chester sitting in a comfy chair in some room as the tune "We Wish You A Merry Christmas plays.)
Chester:
(speaking calmly) Greetings, my friends, and welcome to a "Bummy Christmas Review." (Cut to title card with "Bummy Christmas Reviews", then back to Chester)
This holiday season, the ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com team has decided to give me something very special for Christmas. A room!
Very few people know this, but where I do my reviews is actually just a wall. One wall! The other three are missing!
(now upset) It gets very cold against that wall! I mean, would it kill you guys just to get three more wall--
(calm again) But I digress. Today, we're going to look at a very special Christmas classic.
I am of course talking about "A Christmas Story." (Cut to title card of it, back to Chester)
There's this boy named Ralphie who's sort of like the Wonder Years kid if he was a Hitler youth.
And he wants what any innocent child on Christmas wants: An armed weapon with the ability to harm small animals.
But Ralphie's mother is very much against getting this device.
By commonly coining the phrase, "You'll shoot your eye out."
I once shot my eye out once.
He was a Korean store owner who wanted to take my BB gun away.
Oh Miyai, why did you have to be so cruel?!
Ralphie goes on a series of many adventures, including going to school, going to the mall, looking for a Christmas tree...
Actually, this is an unbelievably boring story.
I mean, the big point of tension in the movie is that he says the F-word.
(scoffs) Why do so many people still start a flame war whenever somebody says the word "furry?"
He also meets a very terrifying Santa Claus.
Sort of like if the Cowardly Lion ate that God thing from Star Trek V.
And even he says he will not get a BB gun.
But at the end of the day, Ralphie still gets his BB gun...and shoots his eye out.
Boy, what side of the gun control argument is this movie on?
But it turns out Ralphie doesn't shoot his eye out - he only destroys his glasses and thankfully he has an extra pair. (long pause) This was the most exciting part of the climax.
Aside from the part where they have to go and get Chinese food. That part was riveting. Almost as riveting as getting Korean food.
Oh Miyai, why did you betray me?!
I was just aiming it at your pet ferret!
Which you were going to eat anyway!
Now you have to walk with a small bruise on your anus, and your left buttcheek droops a little lower than the other.
But in the end, "A Christmas Story" does have a very positive ending...where we discover that they are making "A Christmas Story 2." (pauses) And the makers are surely going to Hell.
This is Chester A. Bum saying... Don't go away, Christmas! I wanna stay in this room!