Announcer:
And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Disney's A Christmas Carol."
Chester:
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(singing) 'Tis the season to be spoilers!
So, I walk into the movie theater and it says "Disney's A Christmas Carol."
Oh goody! I love this version! With Mickey Mouse and Scrooge McDuck playing the roles!
And then suddenly...this old man pops up with Richard Nixon's nose and Jay Leno's chin...
That's not Scrooge McDuck!
That's Larry King after pruning in the shower!
But oh well. The book opens up and it says "A Christmas Carol."
And we see Scrooge walking down this street.
And then it says "A Christmas Carol" again! ...Okay.
What's with all these movies showing their titles twice?
First "Terminator: Salvation" and now this!
Do they really think we're going to forget the title in five seconds?
Actually, given what I just smoked, that's not a bad idea.
So, Scrooge is the meanest man in town.
When suddenly he's visited by a ghost called Jacob Marley!
And Scrooge is like "I've seen 'Paranormal Activity'! You're not going to do anything to me until the last five minutes!"
And Marley is like *sticks out tongue* "Blah." *screams and faints*
So Marley says Scrooge'll be haunted by three spirits.
And the first one is a candlestick man with his head on fire!
I set my head on fire once!
Twice!
Three times!
Four at the most!
This last Friday.
And he shows Scrooge just how nice he was in the past.
And the ghost is like "See? You weren't such a douchebag then."
And Scrooge is like "Shut up! You don't know me! You don't know me!"
And then the ghost starts to shift into these hideous, digusting faces.
Did I mention Jim Carrey played this role?
And Scrooge is like "I'm gonna put you out with this dust cap!" BOOM!
There, I put the ghost out.
But then it launches him into the sky! *He runs back and forth screaming*
And the people are like "Look! Smoke on the water and fire in the sky!"
But then he drops him back for the next ghost to appear!
This is the Ghost of Christmas Present.
And he makes the floor disappear and fly around the neighborhood!
Big deal! That's what I see when I look down at the floor 24/7!
(looks down) Hey, look, fish.
So the Ghost of Christmas Present is like "You're such a douche."
"I know!"
"All your friends think you're a douche."
"I know!"
"Even Jesus thinks you're a douche."
"Oh, come on! How do you know that?"
"I've talked to him."
"You did?"
"Called you a douche."
"Aw, man! I'm a douche!" *sobs*
And then Scrooge is like "Wait a minute. What's that under your robe?"
"It's my penis!" *flashes*
(screams)
"And two ugly children!"
(screams)
"And they think you're a douche too!"
(screams)
And then the Ghost of Christmas Present starts to fade away.
"My time on this planet is over. I must return to the planet Vulcan!"
And he does it all by laughing!
"Hahahahahahahaha!" (disappears)
And then the Ghost of Christmas Future appears...and it's a shadow puppet!
(makes hand shadow) "I am the Ghost of Christmas Future!"
"What are you going to do to me?"
"I'm gonna shrink you and toss you around a bit!"
"...But why?"
"Shut up!"
"Ahh!" (pretends to shrink)
So, little Scrooge is walking around, and he's like *high-pitched voice* "I'll never be able to make a decent living like this! Maybe I can join the singing trio of Alvin and the Chipmunks! *singing* I just want a hoola hoop!"
And then the Ghost of Christmas Future shows him the terrible truth!
(hand shadow) "Tiny Tim is dead!"
"No!"
"Your friends are dead!"
"No!"
"And YOU are dead!"
(gasps) "You mean a frail, old man like me dies eventually?!"
"Yeeep."
(screams)
And then this red coffin opens up.
The Ghost of Christmas Future is trying to push him in!
And Scrooge is shouting "I'll change!"
No, wait. I'm thinking of the Mickey Mouse version again.
In this version, the red coffin opens up.
The Ghost of Christmas Future is trying to push him in!
And Scrooge is shouting "I'll change!"
And I'm like "Dude, he's not the one who needs change! I'M the one that needs change!"
I just ate a cat for dinner!
That Meow Mix did deliver!
So, Scrooge is dropped back at his home.
And he's like "I'm not a douche anymore! ...Though my nose and chin still look like penises."
So, Tiny Tim doesn't die, Scrooge doesn't die, and Tiny Tim observes "God bless us, everyone!"
HOORAY!
"Except for the Bum!"
Awww...
So, this movie really shows the true meaning of Christmas.
And that is to not be a douche!
In fact, they should just change it to that!
"Merry Stop Being A Douche Day!"
And we can change all the Christmas carols!
(singing) Have yourself a merry Stop Being A Douche Day.
Ooh! I should make a recording!
I'll be the biggest thing since William Hung!
Okay, maybe not that good.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw, c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, Santa doesn't visit my house! My box of popsicles doesn't even have a chimney!