December 14, 2014 (Blu-Ray), February 13, 2015 (online)
(The Critic appears in his office thinking.)
NC: (unemphatically) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to...
NC: Well, this is embarrassing. The Nostalgia Critic on the Nerd DVD... You're properly wondering what the hell I'm doing here. Well, you see, we had a little bet a while ago. I bet the Nerd wouldn't be able to make his gigantic opus, let alone get it on DVD or show it in a bunch of theaters to tons of people... Obviously, I lost. So he gave me one of two options: either do a review of the movie, (cut to a silhouette illustration of the scene being described) or be whipped like a horse pulling him down the streets of Chicago with a sign on me saying "I'm a fatty fatty fuck fuck."
(Cut back to the Critic in silence.)
NC: (sarcastically) It was a tough call! (normally) Let's get this over with...
(The title card of the movie is shown with chiptune music playing in the background.)
(Clips from the movie are shown.)
NC (VO): Remember that bunch of kids in high school who said they wanted to make movies? Remember how they used to show you all their films they worked so hard on? Remember how no matter what, you were always so impressed with how they put all their passion and all their love into every single frame they shot?
NC: And despite all the dedication they put into every single frame...didn't you just HATE those fucking films?!
NC (VO): The lame effects, the hokey acting, the stories that made no sense whatsoever? Well, the world loves to reward the insane, and and this is the fruit of their labor. Hey, you paid for it, so it only makes sense that you should pay for it!
NC: Let's not waste another second... Let's take a look at (suddenly angrily) NEEEEEEEERRRRD!!!!
NC: (normal) ...The movie.
NC (VO): We start off with a backstory about the world's most hated video game...spin off, which is in no way related to the world's actual most hated video game.
NC: (in a mock innocent tone, holding up two fingers) We swear!
Mandy (VO): This is when they produced a game based on the highest-grossing film that year, Stephen Spielberg's E.T.. The end result was a strange and incoherent game that alienated devoted gamers.
NC (vo): (as a picture of the fake game Eee Tee 2 is shown with ET colored green instead of brown) Well, no wonder! They couldn't even get the character's color right or spell his name correctly! It was two letters! HOW COULD YOU FUCK THAT UP?!
Board Member: Will fans be eager to buy a game based off of such a reputation, even though the new version will be better?
Mandy: (enthusiastically) It won't be better! (rhetorically) We'll make it even worse. (she continues talking as the man briefly converses with another woman) Research shows gamers these days are playing games they hate. They think bad is the new good. Consequently, we'll cut our expenses and double our profits.
NC: (as Mandy, acting sinister) And internet critics will make thousands off of them! (he goes into a flurry of hand movements) Dance puppets, dance!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!! (lightning flashes) (normal) I mean, uh... (clears throat) you monsters.
NC (vo): (As Mandy switches from the picture of the Eee Tee 2 game to a picture of the Nerd flipping off the viewer with the Power Glove on his hand) But how will they convince people to play it? All by using needless profanity's holy grail, as a montage happens showing all his fans praising the Nerd's work.
(A montage of a fans showing the Nerd their dedication to him plays, starting with a fan with a makeshift AVGN T-shirt.)
Fan #1: Costume T-shirt right here.
(Cut to another fan.)
Fan #2: Well, who else can you think of that actually (cut to him sleeping with a chibi AVGN plush) cuddles up with a AVGN plush doll?
(Cut to another fan pointing to a Mega Man-style tattoo of the AVGN on his arm.)
Fan #3: ...Got a Angry Video Game Nerd tattoo.
(Cut to another fan at a computer pointing a video game gun at another AVGN tattoo on his arm.)
Fan #4: I got that immortalized in ink...
NC: HA! That's nothing! (Takes out his phone and searches up a video) Take a look at the fan videos I get all the time!
(A video is heard playing on the phone.)
NC Fan (offscreen): Hey Critic, remember that fight with the nerd we were all angry at originally? When are you gonna do another one of those?
(NC drops his phone in irritation.)
NC (VO): But it turns out the Nerd has a real life. Yeah, would you expect that from someone whose legal name is apparently..."Nerd"? He works at a video game store, has an angry boss who yells at him, he even has quirky black sidekick!
Nerd: (while riding in car) You got to make some unique sacrifices. No physical fitness, no social popularity...
NC: No bad (cut to an example) green screening, no claiming (cut to the mentioned scene) you're filming this for an album that confusingly makes no sense...
Cooper:: The album's gonna be good.
NC: And most importantly, no starring in early 2000s sitcoms or direct-to-DVD Disney sequels.
NC: (An IMDb logo fades in at the bottom of the screen) The exploiting of IMDB must flow. (Lightning flashes).
NC (VO): But, sure enough, a lot of cameos come into the store requesting the Nerd review the original E.T.--or, as I should pronounce it, Eee Tee!
Andre: You know what? I heard that Atari recalled all the cartridges...
NC (as Nerd): No, no, I already have a quirky black sidekick. Call me if you can get me a Ninja Turtle, preferably one that's been in The Brady Bunch.
NC: (The IMDb logo reappears) It must flow. (Lightning flashes)
NC (VO): But a representative from Cockburn Inc...
NC: (chuckles) Yeah, that's really the...(makes the never mind hand gesture)
NC (VO): ...Comes in to tell him about their plan to review Eee Tee. He doesn't take it well.
(The Nerd spews green vomit all over Mandy and her computer, short-circuiting it.)
NC (VO): Oh my God, I've never seen so much green vomit come out of one person's hand!
NC: Oh, except that one time.
NC: ...Yeah, that was weird.
NC (VO): He obviously says no, but has a a dream that night to help improve trailer fodder. Like, look, zombies! Look, there's zombies in the movie, everybody! You like zombies, right? The Nerd fights zombies, we can put that on the poster somewhere!
(The zombies chase the Nerd into a neon-lit funhouse as industrial metal music plays.)
NC (VO): I do realize that Bear McCreary, who did the music, didn't use The Walking Dead theme that had zombies; but at least he played a zombie in there (shows a green arrow pointing to Bear McCreery as a zombie) does that count?
NC: No it doesn't. I want an apology Mr. McCreery in C minor (a rhythm bar appears below NC as music plays) (says suspiciously) I don't think you meant it.
(Cooper falls out of the window)
AVGN: We're going to find that landfill and prove there is nothing under there.
NC (vo): So he agrees that if they do find any games under there, he'd review them, but Cooper says they need proper equipment; which brings in the representative, named Mandy, back onto the scene.
AVGN: I also really don't like the idea of bringing this girl with us
Cooper: Relax, she is our producer, and she's not a girl; she's a games.
NC: (in agreement) Yeeaahh, (suddenly realizes what he is agreeing with) what?
Mandy: Everything alright over there?
Cooper: The fans need you more than ever, Nerd.
NC (vo): So, the road trip is on as Mandy keeps her team updated on her progress
Cockburn: Don't get too close to these nerds; they are the product.
Mandy: (raises her fake glasses) Don't worry sir, they're just a couple of dorks.
NC (vo as Mandy): And I am not just saying that to reinforce the irony that they are going to win me over with their charm because, as this movie has clearly shown...they have none.
(AVGN, Cooper, and Many are in a meadow. AVGN glares into the distance)
NC: What, is he going to turn into Hunter S. Thompson by the time the movie is over
NC (vo as Hunter): We were somewhere in New Mexico, (softly) when the dome began to old.
NC (vo): But evil...evilness is keeping a close eye on them as they're apparently getting too close to their secret base operation.
General Dark Onward (Stephen Mendel): I'll take care of this.
(The General presses a big red button as Sgt. Molly McButter looks on. Missiles appear out of the ground)
NC (vo): Good lord, he is harnessing the power of Matel's Missile Command.
McButter (Helena Barrett): That's a little excessive, (the General glances at McButter) sir.
General: Oh, maybe you're right.
'(The General signals McButter to press the button, which she does; and the missiles are concealed underground again)
NC (vo): Oh, thank Jesus, we almost lost an entire toenail to one of those.
General: God damn alien terrorist hunters!
NC (vo): As they send out a crew to investigate, Team Exposition discusses a mythical creature so strange, and so not having anything to do with what's going on at that moment.
Cooper: Santa Clause is real.
(An image of Santa appears in the sky above the group)
AVGN: You probably think the world is flat.
(A image of Earth rolls on top of Santa)
Cooper: The world is flat!
AVGN: What about Heaven and Hell? Do you believe in those?
(Santa falls off the flat Earth and into the fire below)
Cooper: Yeah, that all comes down to the cyber mutant death god living under Mt. Fuji. He created both God and Satan.
(The screen pans down to show a monster, covered by shadows and fire. The monster raises two metal claws and holds up an image of God and Satan. A person's shadow eclipses the scene)
NC: Oh come on, I can't see anything past your foreshadowing.
NC (vo): And thus we have our monster, so terrifying that you will be saying all throughout the film....How do you say his name again?
Cooper: Death Mwauthzyx.
NC: Death Wawziks.
Cooper: Death Mwauthzyx.
NC: Death mom sick?
Cooper: Death Mwauthzyx.
NC: Dick moth sex?
Cooper: Death Mwauthzyx.
NC: So be afraid, coming to destroy your city is TFPHFFMWXICKS. Marketing must have loved you.
Cooper: With a single turn of the satellite dish, on top of its head, every universe in the multiverse will disappear.
AVGN: Non existence; no space, nothing.
Cooper: Nope....well one thing will remain: bologna sandwiches.
(a bologna sandwich appears in the sky)
NC (vo): Why a bologna sandwich you may ask?
NC: Because bologna's a funny word. You could have easily said cabbage, banana, or Lake Titicaca. None of it would have changed the story, (long pause) though banana might.
NC (vo): But hell, for the sake of canon, and to keep with the theme of the movie; the reason only a bologna sandwich would be left in the universe is: cock-a-puss? I don't know what if is, but hey, if they could make up a story for TFPHFFMWXICKS; I'm sure I can make up one for that to. But the military comes in to arrest them.
Cooper: It's the fuzz. You cover for me; I'm going to make a run for it.
NC: Hey, it's how shooting for most of the movie went.
General: Get me the fuck out of here!
NC (vo): And that's the line most uttered on the set. Are you sure they didn't just forget to turn the camera off during certain scenes?
McButter: Hands on the vehicle!
Mandy: All right, all right honey; don't get your panties in a wad.
(McButter grabs Mandy roughly by the hair and yanks her head upwards to whisper in her ear)
McButter: (whispering) I'm not wearing any panties.
NC: Well, I'm sure you just made a perverted little five year old boy's sexual fantasy come true.
NC (vo): But the General accidentally blows up his arm-
NC (vo as General): Just a flesh wound.
NC (vo): -and they escape through a car chase.
(scenes of both parties driving through a market place, and fruit hitting the windshield)
General: What the hell was that?
McButter: Fruits, sir!
Soldier: Did you see the size of those melons? Take a note, McButter.
(McButter looks at him as he laughs)
NC: Well, I'm sure you just made a perverted little FOUR year old boy's sexual fantasy come true.
NC (vo): They outrun them and decided to go searching for the person, who designed the original Eee Tee game, but they find the place is full of poorly rendered booby traps. Hey as long as it is not as hard as the original Japanese Mario Bros 2, you'll be alright.
(As the NC talks, the Nerd and his gang jump over lava pits)
NC (vo): They find the creator Percy; a man named Mr. Zandor, a scientist who used to work at Area 51.
Zandor (Time Winters): Did you know the Atari logo (Mandy looks down at the Atari logo on her shirt) was based off Mount Fuji? I always found that odd. Well, how may I help you?
NC (vo): God, this foreshadowing is just as well woven in as a basket with two holes in it.
Zandor (vo): (flashback to UFO crash landing) When that sucker crashed in the dessert, it broke up like one of those trade pigeons in Duck Hunt. There was metallic debris all over the desert.
AVGN: or debris (pronounced debres).
Zandor: No, it's debris.
AVGN: Well there's an s; why is it pronounced debres?
NC: I don't know. How come you always say burry instead of bury?
AVGN: (flashback) We need to burry it in the past where it belongs.
NC: It's one r.
NC (vo): He explains how an alien ship did crash into Area 51 and that the secret to how to get inside is hidden within Eee Tee. On top of that, an innocent alien life is still kept in captivity.
AVGN: Oooh we have an alien now too huh (vo): Geez, don't people ever get bored of all this Area 51 nonsense.
NC (vo): Yeah hard to believe seeing as how Nerd hasn't come across (shows pictures of the Glitch Gremlin, Shit Pickle, Mecha Death Christ, Freddy Krueger, and Bugs Bunny) any strange aliens or monsters in the past.
Zandor: Now, make yourselves at home. There are video games upstairs.
NC (vo): So, the team just sort of....takes it easy for a bit I guess (shows the Nerd and Mandy playing on the Power Pad). I suppose if I found out aliens were real, I'd just play on the Power Pad or reflect filming lights off of my glass too.
(the filming lights is on NC's glasses. He tries to stop his glasses from reflecting, but ends up taking them off in annoyance)
NC (vo): But when trying to get a better reception, Mandy gets caught, but promises to take them to Zandor's house. Of course , leading them to all the funniest places they can take pictures of and Green screen in later.
Cooper: The girl man, we have to ditch her
AVGN: I thought she was a gamer not a girl
Cooper: She's not a gamer (holding Mandy's glasses) these are phoney prescription glasses with fake plastic lenses. It was all an ac don't you understand she's bait!
AVGN: Why would she do this?
Cooper: To appear more nerdy
NC (vo): By God, there really all fake gamer girls out there. Every internet troll, that's never had sex before was right!
Internet Trolls: Yaaaaayyyyy!
NC: And you've still never had sex!
Internet trolls: Awwwww!
NC (vo): But word gets around about the Nerd's journey, and people form a huge gathering around the landfill; populated by all the left cameos (including Mike Matei and Kyle Justin) that couldn't be fit in anywhere else.
AVGN: (speaking through a megaphone) Fellow gamers, may I have your attention please?
NC (vo): When the Nerd tried to tell them it's all bullshit, Low and behold; the designer of Eee Tee, comes in himself: Howard Scott Warshaw.
HSC: I've seen your videos;I know you are a frank and honest man. People like us, we don't cover things up. Wouldn't this world be a better world if people told the truth.
NC (as Johnny): If a lot of people learned to tell the truth, the world would be a better place to live.
HSC: The truth, Nerd; that is what you must discover.
(HSC puts on his sunglasses walks away)
NC (vo): There goes the best, and yet somehow, worst video game designer of all time! He'll most likely get a job at EA Games. But the Nerd still thinks he can debunk the myth, so he gets dressed up in worse effects then....while the movies I guess; and managed to not so subtly sneak his way in.
(After pushing a fake UFO down a mountain, Cooper falls from a great height, but only suffers a minor injury from the fall)
NC: I fall; it's my thing!
NC (vo): Sure enough, the inside looks just like the video game, and he gets caught. So it's revealed that Zandor replaced all of the specie metal with tinfoil. Because of this, the General decides to blow up Mount Fuji.
NC: (long pause) I'm surprised you don't see the connection there.
General: So long Nerd and thank-you for telling the truth
(The door closes on the General's other arm, severing it)
NC (vo): Damn fool, don't you know that duck taped cardboard door, lightly pushed together, are the strongest things in the world? damn fool! But it looks like the alien escapes, and helps the Nerd do so as well.
AVGN: I thought you were just a hoax
Eee Tee: Yeah, we get a lot of that around here.
NC (vo): Clearly, his race is so advanced that there mouths don't even have to close to form audible words.
(Mount Fuji erupts and Death Mwauthzyx emerges)
NC (vo): Sure enough, TFPHFFMWXICKS is finally released, looking as evil as a ceramic ramic Tim Curry fucking a ceramic Doctor Octopus.
(Shows the now armless General riding in a tank)
NC (vo): You know, can you imagine actually asking for a tank I. This shoot? No really, we just want to tell a story about a video game puppet, who has to stop a bigger video game puppet, all coming from an internet series I shot in my basement.
NC (as army guy): Fuck no!
NC (vo): Well, we'll have hot ladies hitting each other.
NC (vo as army guy): Duh okay.
(Shows scenes of DM destroying the military)
NC (vo): So TFPHFFMWXICKS flies around the globe, destroying the Earth.... (DM starts destroying the Excalibur in Las Vegas) or practices destroying the play size model of Earth, before actually destroying the real thing.
(DM picks up the AVGN's van and throws. As if falls, it looks like a Micro Machine toy)
NC (vo): God, I've seen more carnage out of a toddler destroying his happy meal toy. In fact, are you are sure that's not what I'm watching? But McButter agrees to challenges Mandy to a fight because, they had to get that tank somehow, and they partake in chick-on-chick martial arts.
Mandy: You know, I thought I could get through this without objectifying myself in a sexy cat fight, but it looks like that's impossible now.
NC: Just because you say you are doing it doesn't make it any better.
(A couple of military jets fire at the Nerd)
AVGN: Whoa! Did you see that?
NC (vo): Geez, the Nerd turned into a bit of a puss in that line.
AVGN: Whoa! did you see that?
NC (mocking the Nerd): I almost hurt my manicure.
Fan: The pieces to the ship, they're inside the Eee Tee game!
NC (vo): But the alien calls all of the video game cartridges to him to rebuild his ship.
(Shows scenes of various Eee Tee cartridges flying out of people's home)
NC (vo): This leads to easily, hands down, the best performance in the entire movie.
(The Eee Tee cartridge flies out of the Atari being played by Doug Walker, who screams in terror and dives to the floor)
NC: Look at the fear in his eyes, look at the depth he's portraying. Look at how many emotions this actor is able to get across in just a couple of seconds. He may have only had one moment of screen time, but he changed Cinema with it.
(Shows Doug's scene again)
NC: (wipes a tear from his eye) D'aww indeed.
(Shows Doug's scene again in slow motion, and the words "Dedicated to This Obviously Well Endowed Wonder" are written in gold across the bottom)
NC: Mandy defeats McButter only to be captured again, but it's okay: Cooper helps save the Nerd, only to be captured again. God, you could nuts call this movie "Getting Captured: The Movie", there's more people being bound up in this film than Fifty Shades of Grey
(As DM continues its rampage, a doll that looks like Mandy can be seen as a stand in for real Mandy)
NC (vo): Awwww, Mandy looks so adorably plastic shield screaming in distress.
(Cooper leaps off DM to try and save Mandy, who is falling, but they are both saved by the Nerd and beamed into Eee Tee's spaceship)
NC (vo): But sure enough, the Nerd comes to save the day, and catches Cooper and Mandy. They try to destroy satellite on TFPHFFMWXICKS' head, which ultimately results in...this.
(DM puts on the fake glasses with noise and mustache, confusing the NC. DM laughs and the Nerd is also confused. DM then flies away)
NC: brought to you by the miracle of randomness
NC (vo): (shows scene again with the words "Brought to You by Randomness")" Like the saying goes: if you don't get it.... (shows picture of a rooster) cock-a-puss!
NC: There, I finally out it to some good use! Or at least better use than the balogni sandwich; seriously what was that again?
NC (vo): And do course, having saved the day, Mandy gets together with her obvious love interest in the movie...Cooper. Because clearly they were setting that up! Hey, I guess if you can survive metal tentacle Hentai, you can pretty much bond over anything.
Eee Tee: And... Bingo!
(Eee Tee presses a button that projects the Eee Tee Atari game from his spaceship)
NC (vo): And as you'd expect, the ending credits is a review of the game, which even then isn't as major as you'd expect.
AVGN: So is it really the worst game of so time? Um....I don't think so. It's frustrating, it's challenging, and it's a brain teaser; but that's what makes it so addicting. And, considering it was made in such a short period of time, it's more sophisticated than anything of it's era.
NC (vo): Ah yes, the greatest bad game game of all time reviewed by the greatest video game critic of all time, and the final epic conclusion is.....
NC (vo): Actually to the Nerd's credit, that's the only reaction he could give that wouldn't be obvious. If he screamed and yelled, and took a shit on it; we'd all know it'd be coming, but a reaction like that is kind of unexpectedly refreshing. Hell, he might even get a lot of people to kind of agree with him on it.
NC: Now, if only I could get that same amount of people to agree with me on Last Action Hero (audience starts booing) Bullshit, it's terrible satire!
(The spaceship flies away as the AVGN and crowd wave good-bye)
Eee Tee: See ya later!
NC (vo as Eee Tee): And remember: forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza!
NC: And that's the movie and.....it's your movie.
NC (vo): (clips of the movie play) Everything you wanted to see is here: the review of the game, the Nerd being the Nerd; effects fake, but impressively practical. The homage to millions of geeky films from Godzilla to fucking Ninja Turtles 3. You pretty much for exactly what was to be expected.
NC: But that doesn't mean I like it; it just means I don't...not...not...not like it. But, with that said, everybody's been asking me; after this movie came out "Nostalgia Critic are you ever going to a movie; are you ever going to do a film that's going to be released in theaters, and all that bullshit?" Well, there's another reason that I did this review for this DVD. Yeah, that's right: Right here, right now, on the Nerd's turf; I am happy to announce that I, the Nostalgia Critic, going to release an official Nostalgia Critic mo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o...
(The video pauses and then shows disc error)
(Cut to James Rolfe at his computer)
(The credits roll)
AVGN: Did you see that?