ABC Goes To Disneyland!
Original Air Date
February 26, 2014
Channel Awesome Air Date
March 13, 2015
Sabrina The Teenage Witch Goes To Disney World!
Back To The Future: The Ride (Part I)
(We open on Mickey's Fun Wheel in Disney's California Adventure, Jerk and Spazz Master are still stuck in the gondola.)
Spazz: (Banging his head against the side of the gondola) We've been stuck for six weeks. Just open the door and let me plummet to my sweet death! (Sobs)
Jerk: Say, did I ever tell you about the...
Spazz: (Angry) YES, I've already seen every episode of your stupid show! You've been on Channel Awesome for five months now without releasing one new review! When are you gonna stop with these lazy ass intros AND RELEASE A NEW REVIEW ALREADY?!?!
Jerk: (calm) Two weeks from now.
Jerk: Promise. I've been working on a new batch of episodes this whole time and (Turns to the camera) I think you're really gonna like them. But first, let's remember this classic from February 26, 2014! Bringing it all back home, it's "ABC Goes To Disneyland!"
Spazz: We die up here, I will eat you!
Jerk: Same to you!
(We wavey dissolve to the original episode.)
Announcer: Previously in song...
(We cut to the end song from the Sabrina The Teenage Witch Goes To Disney World review. The music is in the style of "Family Guy's" F.C.C. Song.)
There ends my dissertation on the
Disney World Sitcoms On ABC!
(The show gets ready for the end credits. Jerk speaks)
Jerk: But, there were a couple of... (Spots his writing, performance, editor, and directing credit and he swats it away.) Get that away, I'm not done. There were a couple of returns to the sub-genre of shameless mouse worship in the years since, particularly in 2004. That was the year "According To Jim" sent the living, breathing plan B himself, Jim Belushi, to spend two weeks with his fake sitcom family aboard the Disney Cruise Line!
(Cut to a clip from the US "The Office")
Jim Halpert: He says that he's "King of the world" within the first hour or I give you my next paycheck.
Jim Orenthal (Jim Belushi's character): I'm king of the world! (Cut back to "The Office" episode, Jim Halpert shows us that with his watch that it's been less than an hour and Jim Orenthal still speaks in the background) Hey, Mickey, Minnie, I'm king of the world! I'm king!
Jerk (v/o): Unfortunately, this was a sanitized, televised cruise, so the episode contained no ice bergs or Somali pirates and tragically did not end with Jim Belushi drowning in a sea of diarrhea. In...
Jerk: Wait, wait, wait, wa-wait. Say those last eight words again?
Jerk (v/o): Jim Belushi drowning in a sea of diarrhea.
Jerk: (Looking like he's about to tear up.) That might be the greatest collection of syllables in all the world! (Smiles) Say it again?
Jerk: Jim Belushi drowning in a sea of diarrhea.
Jerk: (Still happy) Damn, if that don't put a spring in my step. (Chuckles) One more time?
Jerk (v/o): Jim Belushi drowning in a sea of diarrhea.
Jerk: (Looks almost like he's orgasming at the words) Oh, yeah! Woo, that is the sweet spot! (Starts to leave the frame) Okay, I'm done, continue.
Jerk (v/o): (Clears his throat) In the episode, Jim's (Orenthal) impossibly adorable family...
Jerk: (Sings to the music of Mary Poppins' "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" as The Wire, Rosenhacker, R.L. King, and Doggans dance in the background)
Jim Belushi drowning in a sea of diarrhea,
You can smell his righteous death from here to North Korea,
Finally, the right Belushi brother disappeahs,
Jim Belushi drowning in a sea of diarrhea!
(He pulls out a harmonica and plays it)
Jerk (v/o): (Agitated) In the episode, Jim's impossibly adorable family gets cast in a Disney Cruise Line commercial, destined to play before every Blip video for months on end. But then, Jim freaks out when he learned someone else is his wife's husband and she has to kiss him on camera and...
Jerk: You know, I could makes jokes about this episode, maybe even mock the hypocrisy of its central conflict.
Jim Orenthal: (To his wife, Cheryl) Call me old fashioned, but I just don't want my wife kissing some other guy!
(Cut to a different scene of the episode where the two kiss. A caption reads: "Not Jim Belushi's real-life wife" and an arrow pointing to Cheryl.)
Jerk: But, I really don't give a shit about the Disney Cruise Line. So instead, I'll make jokes about George Lopez and his Disneyland episode, also from 2004.
(We cut to the prologue for the episode of "George Lopez," in the kitchen of the Lopez household.)
George Lopez: Tonight's episode isn't just about my first trip to Disneyland, it's also a contest, where you can win $10,000 (Cut a Kid/Jerk sitting in front of a TV, watching the episode, in a dark room with a bowl of popcorn) and a VIP vacation to Disneyland...
Kid/Jerk: (To the other room) Dad, the TV is talking to me again!
Dad (Played by Joe Goldmark, Jerk's real dad): I'll call the exorcist.
Kid/Jerk: (Raises his hands in the air) Yay!
George Lopez: All you have to do is count every time you see (points to a picture of the Mickey Mouse emblem) this shape.
(Cut to Spazz Master, playing on his Nintendo DS, looks up at the camera.)
Spazz Master: Hidden Mickeys? (Excited) We actually get to look for hidden Mickeys?!?!
Jerk: (Drags him offscreen) We don't have the time!
Spazz (v/o): You monster!
Jerk (v/o): That's right, not only did George Lopez go to Disneyland, he sold out his entire televised life to the all mighty, tri-circled symbol of vermin fun! Allowing the show that bore his name, to be infested with poorly hidden, synergistic rodent heads!
George Lopez: Look carefully, because there will be between 50 and 150 Mickeys.
Jerk: Normally, this sort of infestation might distract you, the viewer, from the story. But don't worry, It doesn't have one.
Spazz: (Returns to frame) Just one hidden Mickey?
Jerk: (Yells) NO, BACK IN YOUR CAGE! (Spazz goes back, off screen. Jerk talks in a normal voice) Incidentally...
Jerk (v/o): Some of these hidden Mickeys were so hidden, they could only be seen in widescreen. That's just diabolical, not that many people had widescreen TVs in 2004. Hell, the DVD set of this season, which just came out last year, crops the show to, quote/unquote, 'full screen,' which is why I gotta use this low-res version from YouTube. So evidently, the studio thinks the show's targeted audience still can't afford widescreen.
(Cut back to the prologue of the "George Lopez" episode)
George Lopez/Jerk (v/o): You could win a vacation to Disneyland, if you can afford a trip to Disneyland! All you have to do is give all your precious money (Points to the Mickey Mouse emblem) to this thing.
(Cut to an ABC logo with a cover of the song "Low Rider" (The original song is also the theme to "George Lopez") sung by Jennifer Garner and Joel Edgerton's character (Cindy and Jim Green) in "The Odd Life Of Timothy Green.")
Jerk: And the winner of the contest was also named "Princess for a day" and got three wishes of whatever they wanted! (Looks offscreen) Do we have a picture of the winning princess? (It's Bob Iger, the current CEO of Disney) And you thought (Michael) Eisner was fired because he was terrible! At any rate, who wouldn't want to win a trip to the happiest place on Earth from this man!
(Cut to "George Lopez")
George: (To his son, Max Lopez) There's nothing unusual about this, ok? You're at that age. Next time, just get a stack of books, put them in your lap, and remember that God or Santa could be watching.
(Jerk looks confused and then looks up)
Jerk: That's funny, when (Bob) Saget was filthy, the sky opened up and the heavens shined down. (Looks back at the sky) Still waiting.
Jerk (v/o): So, what's the plot? Well, G-Lo here doesn't want to go to Disneyland, which I guess is why he had all the hidden Mickeys delivered to his house instead, because he doesn't want to be reminded of how his mom never took him as a kid and his house contains no reminders of that, whatsoever!
Benita "Benny" Lopez (George's Mom): (To George) I took you once, but you were too young to enjoy it.
George: (Confused) How come I don't remember?
Benny: Because you weren't born yet. (Laugh track) I thought my water broke on the Matterhorn, but it was just the splash at the end of the ride!
(Cut to Jerk in line for the Matterhorn)
Disney Staff on PA (v/o): Expected mothers should not ride. Side-effects of expected mothers riding may include birthing overrated Hispanic comedians to make millions voicing CGI house pets. (This is then repeated in Spanish.)
Jerk: (Leans over to the Wire, also in line) You thinking what I'm thinking?
The Wire: Stop talking to me!
Benny: If taking your kid to Disneyland is such a big deal, then why aren't you there with Max?
(Cut to a plush toy of Goofy)
Goofy/Jerk (v/o): Oh, whenever I take him anywhere, he tries to sneak off to a Powerline Concert! I keep telling him, Powerline OD'd in 2002 on the set of the "Lester's Possum Pals" movie! Oh, he's never been right in the head since he found out his mother was Bigfoot.
Jerk (v/o): So, with George sufficiently guilt tripped, he goes to join his family at Disneyland and drags his mom along to guilt trip her right on back!
George: You just can't admit this place is great, because, that would mean admitting to being a horrible mother for never bringing me here!
(Cut to Jerk in front of Disney Castle)
Jerk: That's right, moms, you're a horrible mother if you don't take your kids to here! All that nurturing, supportive love in the world is worthless this (Points behind him) particular place of business! And the womb is really more of a vessel with which to deliver all broods ever, to their Disney Side. You wouldn't want to suppress their Disney Side, now would you? It's a whole side, you monsters! How could we make this any clearer, Disney owns a chunk of your child's soul and it's time to pay the piper! Only this time, the piper is is the vermin! (His head turns into a hidden Mickey for a seconds. He then starts breathing heavily, then happy again.) Monthly payments, now available. (Smiles) On an unrelated note, one of the following commercials contains over 200 hidden Mickey pentagrams, see if you can tell which one!
(Fades to commercial break. Afterward, we cut back to the episode.)
Jerk (v/o): So naturally, George loves the shit out of Disneyland! And even though the entire resort is totally new to him, for some reason, they pay special attention to that big-ass thrill ride that just so happened to open their on the very week this aired.
(Cut Max, Angie Lopez (George's wife), Carmen Lopez (His daughter), and Ernie Cardenas (his bff) riding the new Twilight Zone Tower of Terror)
Ernie Cardenas: (He's scared, To Max, who isn't scared) Hey, I know it's the new Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, but don't be scared.
(Cut back to George and Benny)
George: Then we'll go over to Disney's California Adventure to see if they're (his family) are on that new Twilight Zone Tower of Terror.
George/Jerk (v/o): As opposed to the old Twilight Zone Tower of Terror in Florida, which I know nothing. And once we get to the front of the line of the new Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, I propose we have a long conversation about the new Twilight Zone Tower of Terror and how incredibly new and towering and terrifying and Twilight Zone-y the new Twilight Zone is just before we board the new Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, the new Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, the new Twilight Zone Tower of Terror (He keeps repeating "the new Twilight Zone Tower of Terror" in a loop as Rod Serling (Creator of "The Twilight Zone")/Jerk, who's in black and white, steps in front of him on a greens screen and the "Twilight Zone" show theme plays.)
Rod Serling/Jerk: George Lopez, a former man who named his show after himself, only to see himself become that very show. Forced to interject advertisements at the whim of his corporate masters. Locked in a mobius strip of cyclical synergy in: the new Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, the new Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, the new Twilight Zone Tower of Terror (He also repeats in a loop as a 2nd Rod Sterling/Jerk appears.)
Rod Serling/Jerk 2: A mediocre parody, didn't even bother to wear a suit. Captured by it's own ironic turn of phrase and held captive in a cage of submission in a pet show for redundancy, in a neighborhood the kids like to call: the new Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, the new Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, the new Twilight Zone Tower of Terror (He's stuck in a loop too, as a 3rd Rod Serling/Jerk appears)
Rod Serling/Jerk 3: A former Joke, getting older and less interesting by the second. Not worth the time it took me to do this dumb green screen effect or the time it's taking you to watch, time that could be spent riding: the new Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, the new Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, the new Twilight Zone Tower of Terror (He's in a loop too)
Rod Serling/Jerk 2: How do we get out of this?
Rod Serling/Jerk: I was hoping you'd know.
(The entire scene is then hit with a cartoon shovel, which transitions back to the show where George puts on a Mickey Mouse hat.)
All 3 Rod Serling/Jerks: OW!
Jerk (v/o): Finally, George goes home and begins the transformation process to become a hidden Mickey.
Benny: (To George) You know, it's a good thing you didn't have those ears when you were a kid, because, you would've gotten your butt kicked. (Laugh Track)
George: Kids don't beat you up for wearing mouse ears.
Benny: I would've done it!
Jerk: (Laughs) It's funny, 'cause child abuse. But...but, not like "not taking your kid to Disneyland" child abuse, that's just...that's just disturbing.
Jerk (v/o): There's also a couple subplots that don't really go anywhere, like George's daughter (Carmen Lopez) being stalked by this douche bag (Zack Powers, and he really is a douche bag, just check out his wikipedia page ).
Carmen Lopez: You were following me? That's creepy!
Zack Powers: No, it's flattery.
Jerk: Wow, who knew the blurred lines guy could act!
Jerk (v/o): But, of course, she eventually falls for him, blah, blah, blah!
(Zack and Carmen kiss on the new Twilight Zone Tower of Terror.)
Production Assistant/Jerk (v/o): THE BEES ARE STILL DEAD!
Jerk (v/o): And George's wife (Angie Lopez) has a microscopic subplot where she decides to videotape everything!
George: (Earlier in the episode) Come on, Angie, you know I hate crowds!
Angie Lopez: Wait, wait, wait, (Grabs the camera) I wanna get this on film.
(Cut to Jerk wearing a cowboy hat and a toothpick in his mouth, the shot is in a brownish filter.)
Jerk: Ma'am, I don't know where you think you're from. But, around here, I'm Some Jerk With A Camera! (Throws the tooth pick away) Now, you abandoned this subplot pretty quickly and that was smart, real smart. I don't really care for competition, but mark my words, I you so much as even look at a leaf blower, I will end you.
Spazz: (Who goes up next to him, to the camera) And if you even think about looking for hidden Mickeys...
Jerk: (Swats Spazz away with his hat as the shot filters back to normal) And just last year, we had one more return to the sub-genre when "Modern Family" took the entire extended modern family and their omnipresent camera crew out for a day at Disneyland! At least, it was just last year, last year when I started these ABC videos.
(Cut to a clip from “Mr. Show With Bob and David”)
Bob Odenkirk [As an old man]: My Life!
Jerk: It was formatted very much like those 90s episodes, but with 1 crucial difference, almost everything that happened in it was: (Jerk turns around, we see Spazz behind Jerk now wearing Jerk’s cowboy hat) Plausible!
(Spazz mouths and moves his hands to the “Dun-dun-daaaa!”)
Jerk [v/o]: I’m serious, nobody wins a contest or beats a record or turns into a zebra. It’s just a family going to Disneyland together., dealing with problems that real people might actually have to deal with. Phil (Dunphy) is worried he’s getting to old for thrill rides, Lily (Tucker-Pritchet) keeps running away and Mitchell [Pritchet] and Cameron (Tucke)] fight over whether she needs one of those creepy child leashes, Gloria (Pritchet) wears heels for some reason and surprise, surprise Topanga (Lawrence), her [Gloria’s] feet hurt like hell. Honestly, there’s not much for me to mock in this one. Sure, it’s still based around punch lines and sure, everything wraps up a little too conveniently. But, compared to all those TGIF 90s Disney world shows, it’s the freakin’ “Wire!”
(Cut to Jerk with The Wire)
The Wire: Yeah?
Jerk: Not you, the other freakin’ “Wire.”
The Wire: What other freakin’ “Wire?”
Jerk: The other freakin’ “Wire” that was on HBO a few years ago. I’ve never seen it, but I am convinced it’s the best show ever!
The Wire: So, you just blindly go along with whatever the popular opinion is?
Jerk: Yes! The answer’s ‘yes,’ right?
The Wire: Yes.
[Cut to one of the show’s talking head segments]
Jay Pritchett: I remember I was on “Pirates Of The Caribbean,” and this whole fight with Deedee (Jay’s 1st wife, his 2nd/current is Gloria) was really eating at me, and there was this angry animatronic wench with a rolling pin, chasing some poor pirate around. They were on a track, running in circles, so he could never get away from her. I remember thinking. “I can’t save you, buddy. But, I’m getting off this ride.”
(Cut to a clip from “Married… With Children”)
Bud Bundy: (To his mom, Peggy Bundy) Where’s dad?
Peggy Bundy: Well…
(Cut to Jerk in front of “Star Tours: The Adventures Continue.”)
Jerk: But, at some point, they had to obnoxiously plug the big E-ticket, right (Gestures to “Star Tours)?
Jerk (v/o): Wrong, just the opposite, they actually built entire scenes around decades old classics like the Dapper Dans and Great Moments With Mr. Lincoln. But, they don’t even plug the new Star Tours, once. Hell, “Cars Land” was just a month from opening, but they didn’t even mention DCA either.
(We see a commercial for DCA’s Cars Land, featuring Rico Rodriguez, who plays Many Delgado, Gloria’s son and Jay’s stepson on the son. A caption beneath says: “(Not a scene from the episode).”)
Jerk: Okay, but at least they don’t criticize this place. I mean, even “Roseanne” wasn’t allowed to complain. You think the Dunphys will have the nerve to find fault with this glittery, sparkling Utopia, depicted in commercials as literally Heaven?
(Cut to the beginning of the episode, Claire Dunphy, Phil’s wife, is making snacks to bring to Disneyland)
Claire Dunphy: (To Phil) The happiest place on Earth is also home to the most expensive churro on Earth.
Phil Dunphy: Oh, come on!
(Cut to Jay and Gloria’s home as she get her high heels)
Jay: You know how much walking you’re gonna have to do at Disneyland?
(Cut to Phil and his son Luke Dunphy in line for a ride, at the end of the line is a sign: “Approximate wait time 45 minutes”)
Phil: (to Luke) In 45 minutes, this is gonna be so awesome!
Luke Dunphy: Yeah! (Laughs)
(Phil looks at the long line and laughs nervously.)
Jerk: Wow, that place sounds like crap. Good thing I’m here at DCA instead. (He takes a bite out of a churro) Only three more payments! Yes, folks, depicting Disney Parks on ABC is a tradition older than Disneyland, itself. And who better to bring it all back full circle to the 50s than a bonafide time traveler!
(Cut to the 2012 Prime Time Emmys, Michael J. Fox is presenting)
Michael J. Fox: And the Emmy goes to... (Opens the envelope and reads) “Modern Family!”
Jerk (v/o): That’s right, Mouseketeers, “Modern Family” won the “Best Comedy Series” Emmy the very season it produced a Disneyland infomercial! It would’ve made Walt (Disney) proud.
Steven Levitan (Co- Creator of “Modern Family): (Giving an acceptance speech for winning the award with the whole cast by him) Thank you to everybody at ABC!
Jerk (v/o): And frankly, why not? Where all the other sitcoms I’ve reviewed wreaked of cynical phoniness, “Modern Family” overflowed with such palpable, genuine love for what it cross-promoted, it barely even felt like a cross-promotion. Over two decades after the Tanners invaded Florida, ABC finally got it right!
Jerk: In fact, this is gonna sound nitpicky, but in the entire episode, I only noticed one glaring inaccuracy.
(Cut to Haley Dunphy, Phil and Clare's oldest child, near a Little John character (from Robin Hood). It is revealed that Haley's ex-boyfriend, Dylan Marshall, is in disguise as Little John)
Dylan Marshall: Haley! It's me, Dylan. I'm in the bear suit! I borrowed it to talk to you.
Jerk: (Laughs) Can you believe that? They actually expect grown adults like me to believe that the Disney characters are just costumes with people in them? (Chuckles and sighs) Oh, TV. None of it's real, what are you gonna do? Anyway, that concludes my ABC retrospective, so...
(II Neige, The Wire, and Spazz are shown standing next to Jerk)
Spazz: Wait. You're kidding, right?
Jerk: About what?
The Wire: This...isn't how we wanted you to find out.
Jerk: Find out what?
II Neige: Jerk, those characters are just costumes with people in them.
Jerk: (Chuckles) No, they're not.
Spazz: Why do you think their faces never move?
Jerk: I assumed they were suffering heat stroke. I mean, come on, guys. A joke's a joke. But if Little John's just a guy in a suit, that means...that means Mickey's just a guy in a suit, and Goofy's just a guy...
II Neige: Jerk, back when I worked here, I was that guy in the Goofy suit.
Jerk: (Frowns) What?
II Neige: Remember this?
(He brings out a Goofy hat, puts it on and uses its ears to block his eyes, but ironically rendering himself unable to see. Jerk is stunned and saddened)
Jerk: You filthy liars.
(He begins to walk away)
II Neige: Oh, Jerk, come back!
Jerk: Well, if you're not lying, that means Disney is! I mean, how am I supposed to know what's real anymore? Spazz Master, are you just a guy in a suit? Am I just a guy in a suit? Is Disney CEO Bob Iger just a guy in a suit?!
The Wire: Jerk, I'm sorry, but you deserve to know the truth. Why would we lie?
Jerk: I don't know what to believe anymore.
(He sadly walks away)
The Wire: Jerk, wait!
Spazz: No. Let him go. (Beat) I'm tired of following him around. Let's go ride rides.
(He walks away. As the song "God's Song (That's Why I Love Mankind)" by Randy Newman is heard, we see Jerk sadly walk past Mickey's Toontown. He stops to look at it, before continuing his walk. We see Spazz Master, II Neige and The Wire riding on a carousel; Spazz is enjoying the ride, though The Wire and Il Neige are not. As Jerk walks around Main Street, he witnesses all sorts of Disney characters meeting and greeting guests, including Goofy, Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Chip and Dale, Mr and Mrs. Incredible, and Pluto. We then see II Neige and The Wire staring at Spazz Master, who is constantly saying "Hidden Mickey" over and over. Jerk is shown walking out of the park, passing by a person reading a map, who looks at Jerk leaving. Jerk is shown riding on a train, going up an elevator, and walking to the airport. We then see Jerk walk through a black background, as we see past clips of Jerk encountering the Disney characters. We then see Spazz Master, The Wire, and II Neige returning to their respective review rooms, with II Neige comically falling off of his chair, due to him still having his Goofy hat ears blocking his eyes. Jerk is shown walking through a convention (possibly Magfest), and on the street. After looking at the real Pinetta's (In Baton Rouge, Louisiana) behind him, Jerk walks away, leaving behind his mini-camera. We fade to Jerk walking at a pier, where he sees two people clearly dressed as Mickey and Minnie. We fade to black, then we are shown a caption, "One Year Later..." We see Jerk now a bum, holding a piece of cardboard saying "Will review for crack". He notices the camera)
Jerk: Camera? Wow. It's been such a long time. Who found you?
(We see two hands, one is holding Jerk's camera, the has a puppet on it.)
Puppet: I did.
Jerk: Wow, Neige, you’ve really let yourself go.
Puppet: I’M NOT IL NEIGE, YOU IDIOT!
(We lower down to see that the puppeteer is the same guy with the map earlier, Luke Ski. He and the puppet are wearing the same clothes; in fact, it’s really just a puppet version of him. As he talks, his puppet’s mouth also moves.)
Luke Ski: It’s me, Luke! (Jerk doesn’t know what he’s talking about) Luke Ski! The Great Luke Ski! (Jerk is still confused) Comedy musician extraordinaire, star of the “Dr. Demento Show” Luke Ski!
Jerk: You’re gonna have to be more specific.
Luke: We were best friends when you were in college, I was on your Internet radio show all the time, we used to perform at sci-fi conventions together, we were inseparable! You know, Luke Ski!
Jerk: How do I know you're not just a hand in a suit? They’re all just hands in… (Luke has the Luke Ski puppet’s hand slap Jerk) Ow! Hey! (Luke Ski Puppet slaps him again)
Luke: You give up on things entirely too easily! You gave up on our friendship, you gave up comedy music, and now you’ve given up on this little guy! (Jerk’s camera, which Luke hands back to him) You know, just because something isn’t real doesn’t mean it can’t amuse you.
Jerk: (looks at Luke Ski Puppet) Look, I know what you’re trying to do. But I can’t just go back to…
Luke: (Has Luke puppet point to him) I’m over here.
Jerk: Look, I know what you’re trying to do. But I can’t just go back to Anaheim; it’s too painful. (Luke Puppet slaps Jerk again) Ow!
Luke: More painful than that?
Jerk: No, but come on… (Luke Puppet slaps him again) Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. (Luke Puppet slaps him again. Jerk realizes) Oh, Luke Ski! (laughs) That’s right!
Luke: Look, just go to some non-Disney park that focuses more on the movies, rather than, you know, fake characters and all that stuff.
Jerk: But where am I supposed to find one of those in Southern California? (Jerk gets hit with a small package) Ow!
(He looks down, he sees that package reads “Do not open until 2015.” Alan Silvestri’s ‘Back to the Future” music plays. The package stirs Jerk's curiosity to put his glasses back on and pick up the package.)
Luke: (Crossing the sidewalk) Hey, Tony (Goldmark, Jerk’s real name), you should think about comedy music again, all right? And keep moving forward!
(Jerk opens the package to discover that inside is the 25th Anniversary DVD box set of the “Back to the Future” Trilogy. He opens a page of the cardboard sleeve that lists the special features, one of which is for “Back to the Future: The Ride.” This excites Jerk as he takes off his hoodie to reveal a “Some Jerk With a Camera” Shirt, with the cartoon of him on the main page. Cut to Jerk in front of the Universal Studios entrance, he has 3D glasses from “Star Tours: The Adventures Continue” on his head.)
Jerk: Rides? Where we’re going, they don’t have (Puts the glasses over his eyes and other glasses) that many rides!
(We then cut to the end of “Back to the Future” movie where the DeLorean flies for the first time. But before it hits 88 mph, the car stops)
Jerk (v/o): Oh, come on, you stupid… (Tries to get the car start again) Come on, come on! (Finally it does) There it goes!
(It disappears as we cut to the end of part 1 of the Disney World episode of Full House, but the “To be continued…” is in the “Back to the Future” font and DJ, Stephanie and Kimmy are barely heard over the song “Back in Time” by Huey Lewis and the News.)
DJ Tanner: Michelle!
Kimy Gibbler: Michelle!
Stephanie Tanner: Michelle, where are you?
(We cut to the end credits, midway through; we cut back to Jerk at the Universal Studios entrance, he looks at the “Universal” logo.)
Jerk: Hey! That round thing behind the letters is planet Earth! I just noticed that!
(Cut back to the credits. Afterward, we see Il Neige in a suburban neighborhood, still wearing the Goofy hat, and its ears are still blinding him.)
Il Neige: Spazz? Wire? Come on, you guys; this isn’t funny! Hello? Are we even still in the park? Okay, you know what, Spazz? If any of you think you’re getting a ride after this, you are sadly mistaken, my friend! I’ll say that much. (hears something) Wait, what was that? Oh, you guys, are we in “Cars Land?” (We see a car is about to hit him)