A.I. Artificial Intelligence
May 28, 2013
(We start with a parody opening of...)
Announcer (voiced by Rob Walker): Next on TMZ! Our crack team of journalists uncover the most important news.
(We see the workers working at TMZ, all talking with their leader, Harvey Levin)
Mr. Norton (played by Malcolm Ray): Kim Kardashian, shoes, two weeks old.
(Everyone's surprised and gasps)
Harvey Levin (played by Jim Jarosz): This is the biggest news since man walked on the moon.
Announcer: TMZ! We're really important!
Ms. Louis (played by Rachel Tietz): Jennifer Love Hewitt has cellulite. Cellulite!
Levin: Header's new front page: "Jennifer Love Hewitt shows cellulite. She cares nothing for the world."
Ms. Louis: I am also offended.
Announcer: TMZ! Your life will be nothing without us.
Mr. Erin (played by Jason Laws): Brad Pitt, taking his kids to school.
(Someone says "What?")
Levin: So he thinks he's, like, a person or something? Like he could just live his life like the rest of us?
Announcer: TMZ! You'll need to know this or you'll die.
Levin: Now let's see if our newest member has anything to say. Nostalgia Critic, what do ya got?
(Everyone turns to see TMZ's newest member, the Nostalgia Critic, who is looking not pleased)
NC: (shocked) Is it time for commercial yet?
(After we see the opening intro, we fade to NC reading the "TMZ GUIDELINES". [Actually, it's a binder with a yellow paper taped on it.])
NC: These are the exact same instructions you give a prostitute.
(Levin comes in)
Levin: Hey, Mr. Critic, isn't this much better than mocking us on your website?
NC: (puts down the "TMZ GUIDELINES") Yeah, well, it was very kind of your people to get in contact with our people, and let us know that you didn't like the way we represented you. It's good to know that an industry that mocks so many has such a thick non-hypocritical skin themselves.
Levin: Well, I'm just glad you took our offer to come down here for a day, and see that we conduct very important, very serious work.
NC: Eh, I thought I'd take a chance and hope that one of us could learn the meaning of the word "fair". Though, I guess it was too optimistic to assume both of us would.
Ms. Louis: SIR! (runs up to Levin) Jennifer Lopez was caught with nose hairs!
Levin: KEEP ME BACK FROM MY KEYBOARD!
(Levin and Ms. Louis run off. NC sighs and looks at the camera)
NC: It's not easy representing someone, let alone their work. Maybe Steven Spielberg should have thought of that when he took over Stanley Kubrick's long-awaited fairy tale.
(Images of Stanley Kubrick and Steven Spielberg, as well as posters of their respective movies, are shown as NC speaks)
NC (vo): And this was no easy task. Kubrick, director of A Clockwork Orange and 2001: A Space Odyssey, and Spielberg--pfft, fuck. (shows posters for movies like Jaws, Jurassic Park, Raiders of the Lost Ark, E.T. and Hook) You all know who he is--were as far on the opposite ends of the directing spectrum as you could possibly get. Kubrick was cold and dark, Spielberg was whimsical and enchanting. Kubrick was slow and eerie, Spielberg was peppy and upbeat. Stylistically, they were practically nothing alike. The only thing the two did seem to have in common is that, at times, they surprisingly envied each other. Spielberg often longed to be that arthouse risk-taker that Kubrick was, and Kubrick often longed to be the audience-pleasing sentimentalist that Spielberg was. So, when Kubrick was going through years and years, and writer after writer, perfecting his vision of what he would call his sci-fi version of Pinocchio, he felt he didn't have the talent to pull off the emotional heart needed, and handed directing over to Spielberg, while Kubrick would produce it. Spielberg thought he didn't have the talent to pull off the calculated artistry needed, and handed it back to Kubrick while he would produce it. Being friends for years, they each made the argument that the other was better to direct, until Kubrick finally caved in and said after his film Eyes Wide Shut, A.I. would be the next film he would do. And just to make things even more complicated, Kubrick died. (A picture of Kubrick falls to the ground with a thud) So Spielberg thought it best that he bring the legendary director's masterwork to life himself.
NC: Resulting in the awkward, unfocused, and confused little train-wreck we all know as A.I.
(The film's title is shown, before clips of the film play out)
NC (vo): With the style of two totally different directors being juggled, this film is about as big a mess as you can imagine, as you find yourself paying less attention to the story, and instead focusing more on "Is that a Kubrick move or a Spielberg move?" And instead of being one artist's great masterpiece, we get visual backwash and emotional hand-me-downs to replace raw feelings and ideas.
NC: So, let's see how the Master of Heart represents the Master of Art. This is A.I.
(The movie starts by showing a professor named Allen Hobby speaking at a meeting)
NC (vo): So we open the story about a human robot with Hollywood's own human robot, William Hurt.
John Robinson (from Lost in Space): I love you, wife.
NC (vo): He plays the head of a business that makes androids, and he's looking to create an android that's actually capable of love.
Professor Allen Hobby: I propose that we build a robot child, who can love. A robot child who will genuinely love the parent or parents it imprints on with a love that will never end.
NC (vo): Hmm, interesting idea raising a lot of interesting questions. (The following questions appears in text) "How do you Program Love?" "Can it be Programmed?" "What's the Difference Between Love and Desire?" "Is There a Difference?" "Can it Technically be Defined?", and if it can't, "Can You Assume You can [properly] Create it?" "Does Love only Work if it's Shared Equally?" All of these questions and more will be thrown in the... (The text rises and places it in a cargo container with the words...) "EH...KIND OF" category, as we have to establish this future that clearly exists only to justify our characters' idiot moves. For example, in this post-apocalyptic world--Yeah, it's about as post-apocalyptic as a Betty Crocker commercial--pregnancy must be sanctioned to keep population under control after the ice-caps melted.
(Two people are in an office where one (With Al Gore's head Photoshopped over him) mockingly grabs his crotch towards the other (Rush Limbaugh). A "Woo-Hoo!" from Homer Simpson is heard)
NC (vo): This is rough, seeing how one couple has to keep their child frozen, because he's suffering from "we-need-to-keep-you-out-of-the-first-20-minutes-itis". And thus, they seem like the perfect parents to try out their new boy-toy.
(The new boy android, David, comes into the house of the Swintons and meets the father and mother, Henry and Monica)
David: I like your floor.
NC (vo): This is David, played by "Jesus-you're-scary!" Haley Joel Osment, who's been allowed to be their son.
(Henry speaks to Monica)
Henry Swinton: This imprinting is irreversible. The robot child’s love would be sealed, in a sense, hardwired, and would be part of him forever.
NC (vo): Yeah, great plan, right? I mean, can you see anything going wrong with this idea? Ethical scarring, emotional crippling? Me, I just see playing catch.
Henry: Don't imprint until you're entirely sure.
(We see several clips of Stanley Kubrick's films, as well as several shots of this movie that looks similar to Kubrick's style of filmmaking)
NC (vo): Now what you might notice very quickly is that Spielberg has done a pretty decent job recreating the cinematography of Kubrick's work. It actually mirrors a lot of techniques that Kubrick has done in the past.
(We see a scene of David and Monica in a darkened room brightened by sunlight. "SPOTLIGHT FETISH")
NC (vo, as Spielberg): Oh-ho, I know Kubrick used it once in a while, so people will call me a genius when I use it all the time! (Speaks normally) What he hasn't captured, though, is the editing or the tone. Kubrick would let a lot of his shots go on for a while, building an uncomfortable mood and allowing you to enjoy the visuals or movement. But Spielberg cuts his shots just like any other movie, making his way for quirky scenes like this which very likely would not end up in a typical Kubrick production.
(As Monica puts down the bed-sheets, David appears. She looks at him, then goes to the living room, but is surprised by David)
(She scrolls to the hallway with a cart, but David appears and he tries to block her way)
NC: Yep. I think if Kubrick was directing this, we all know how this scene would go.
(She grabs a paper and goes to the living room when David appears in a different hallway like from The Shining. She looks at him)
David (voiced by NC): Come play with me, Mommy.
NC (vo): But it's okay. David finally finds a way to win over his mother's affection.
(At the dinner table, while watching Monica and Henry eat dinner, David suddenly laughs for no reason. This surprises Monica, who was eating. Eventually, Henry and Monica laugh, too, and then stop)
NC: What? You would shit your pants and throw the fucking thing away? Well, not our mother.
NC (vo): She figures that's enough to push the I-love-you-forever button, which programs the child to never stop obsessing over her 'till the end of his days. Boy, if they knew that was the selling point for most parents, they'd have him laugh at even more things.
NC: Hey, David, look! (Shows his...) Keys.
NC: (shows...) A housing foreclosure!
NC: (shows a picture of...) Grass!
NC: (shows a clip of...) Tracy Morgan!
(David's not laughing)
NC: Ooh, he's a keeper.
NC (vo): So David is now programmed to love only his mom...but not his dad so much, seeing how he never refers to him as "Dad".
Henry: Hello, David.
David: Hello, Henry.
NC: Ouch. Might as well change his name to "I'm not your sperm."
(David is shown being introduced to a Super-Toy known as Teddy by Monica)
NC (vo): David also gets a new playmate, a little toy named Teddy.
David: Hello, Teddy.
Teddy: Hello, David. (It sits down)
NC: Why does that create uncomfortable flashbacks?
(He gets one as he remembers a very familiar incident back in 2008)
Teddy Ruxpin: (singing) This is the end. My cuddly friend, the end. This is the end.
NC: (whispers) The horror.
Monica: David, Teddy is a Super-Toy, and I know you’ll take good care of each other.
Teddy: I am not...a toy.
NC: (with a robotic voice) Teddy is my slave name. You may call me Cuddly Kinte.
(We are shown the Swintons' real son, Martin, having recovered and is seeing David for the first time)
NC (vo): But...doh, that pesky real son wakes up and apparently is not thrilled about his robotic replacement, doing terrible things like forcing his mother to read horribly ironic stories, his favorite being Pinocchio.
Martin: David’s going to love it.
(NC laughs like a mad scientist complete with lightning)
NC (vo): But David ends up liking the story, particularly the part about where the Blue Fairy turns Pinocchio into a real boy. But Pipsqueak McPimplefuck (Martin) constantly reminds him that he's not a real boy. So, fighting for his mother's attention, he tries eating spinach to convince that he is real.
(While the family eats dinner together, David, attempting to eat the spinach, grabs the bowl but Teddy stops him)
Teddy: You will break.
NC: (shifts his eyes) Was that an observation from Teddy or a threat?
(The scene repeats)
NC (vo; as Drago from Rocky IV dubbed over Teddy): I must break you.
(David eats a spoonful of spinach)
Henry: Does he eat?
Monica: I’m not sure.
(David opens his spinach-filled mouth)
Monica: Martin, you’re provoking him. David, stop it!
(David stops eating, but the left-side of his face starts melting)
NC (vo): Oh, no, they used Photoshop Smear. We need heavy duty Mario Party for this.
(We are shown a clip from Mario Party, showing players stretching Bowser's face to look like the middle picture. Back to the movie, where Martin talks with David after he recovers)
NC (vo): He gets fixed up, but Schemy McWeaselbitch (Martin) has yet another plan.
Martin: I want a lock of Mommy's hair. I'll share it with you. And if you had it, and wore it, she might love you even more.
(A shot of Teddy is shown overhearing the conversation)
NC (vo, sounding like Boo-Boo from Yogi Bear): The Ranger isn't gonna like this, Yogi.
(We are shown David attempting to cut Monica's hair, but gets caught by her and Henry, who are both shocked and scared)
NC (vo): He tries cutting off the hair, but ends up looking like a poster child for Lizzie Borden's Barber School, which ends up getting the parents' concern.
Henry: (speaks with Monica the next day) If he was created to love, then it's reasonable to assume he knows how to hate. And if pushed to those extremes, what is he really capable of?
NC (vo): And more importantly, why did not the scientist putting him together ever think of this?! Why is it every story where someone wants to play God, they're always like, "Eh...those questions will just go away." Why does nobody in movies ever think of the consequences?
(A clip of Ali Baba Bunny is shown)
Daffy Duck: Consequences, shmonsequences. As long as I'm rich...
(At a pool party, David ends up nearly drowning Martin in a pool after being frightened by Martin's friends, which triggered his self-protection programming)
NC (vo): But through Misunderstanding #20, David becomes afraid of some bullies, hides behind his brother and they both fall into the pool, resulting in his brother almost getting killed. So I guess it's finally time to bring him in and have the scientist look at a lot of these kinks going on, huh...?
(We are shown Monica driving David to the factory, where David will most likely be destroyed)
NC (vo): Nope! Nuke 'im. Yeah, no, there's no other alternative. He's gotta die. Just hop in your mechanical hot-dog and tell him we're taking a trip to the liquidation factory. C'mon, it's an easy choice! It's not like anybody would grow attached to him with his big puppy-dog eyes, innocent smile, and will to love past the end of time. I mean, Jesus, what if kids in the 90s have to get rid of their (shows a picture of a...) Furbies the exact same way?
(Cut to a skit, depicted in a Furby's point of view, showing a kid's dad (played by Doug Walker) holding a hammer about to smash it)
Kid: Daddy, no!
Dad: I'm sorry, son, but you read the instructions. Once he starts malfunctioning, he has to be bludgeoned to death as violently as possible.
Kid: But I love--(He hits it and the screen goes black)--Oh, God!
Dad: Oh, now, don't tell me you want to see the therapist again?
(We hear the Furby still working and the dad hits it again. We go back to the film. While driving on the road, David looks at Monica)
David: Where are we going? What’s for dinner tonight?
NC (vo, imitating Lennie from Of Mice and Men): Tell me about the rabbits, George.
(Monica stops at the forest, and she and David get out of the car and sit on the grass)
Monica: I...I have to leave you here.
David: No. (Bursts into tears) No! No, no, no, no! No, Mommy, please! No! No!
(David starts grabbing onto Monica as she starts getting emotional as well)
Monica: David, no, no, I have to go. I have to go! Stop it! Stop it!
NC (vo): No, I'm sorry. This emotional meat-tenderizer to your nads is not warranted. There's a bajillion other ways around this. Reprogram him, change the settings, wipe his memory, adjust his abilities, be more specific in your commands*. Nothing about this makes any sense! I think the only way it would make even less sense is if Batman showed up and said...
- (Note: According to the film, none of those things would be possible for David, as his imprinting factor is well and truly permanent, with no changes whatsoever)
(A clip from The Dark Knight is shown)
NC (vo, as Batman): I pulled his brother into the pool.
Monica: (tearfully) I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the world.
(She gets into the car and drives away, leaving David in the forest)
NC (vo): And if his mother loved him so much, she wouldn't leave him to roam alone in this dangerous world she's sorry she never taught him about. She would know it's much worse to leave him alive knowing he'll never see her again than it is just to shut him off.
NC: I mean, come on, Spielberg, Kubrick covers his tracks better than this! I mean, what human being would be so absent-minded and so cruel?
Levin: (off-screen) Okay, people, story time!
NC: (sighs) Duty calls. (Gets up and leaves)
(We again see the people at TMZ doing their jobs and revealing their new "stories")
Announcer: TMZ! We dedicate our lives to make sure you have none.
Levin: All right, stories. Go!
Mr. Erin: I was digging through Leonardo DiCaprio's garbage, and I found McDonald's.
Mrs. Adams (played by Jori Laws): You mean he eats food?
Mr. Erin: Obviously, someone's in financial difficulties.
Levin: Ba-da-ba-ba-baaa, I bummin' it!
Announcer: TMZ! We sleaze what you need.
Mr. Norton: Guys, I have a picture of Natalie Portman with a mustard stain on her shirt.
Levin: (lifts up his fist) Shun her! We must shun her! Put that picture on the front page! (The words "HITLER'S NIECE" appear below her picture) The people must know!
(Everyone lifts up their fists as Levin imitates He-Man)
Levin: I have the power!
Announcer: TMZ! Watch us, you dumbasses, watch us!
Levin: (sighs and notices NC) Critic, what do you got?
(NC brings out a story paper of his own)
NC: Oh, well, I, uh, did find a story here that, uh, Sandra Bullock...
(Everyone says "Ohhhh!")
NC: Sandra Bullock will be honored for donating $25,000 dollars to the Warren Easton Charter High School, uh, which was destroyed in Hurricane Katrina. (Everyone looks confused) Oh, uh, she also opened an on-campus health clinic there as well. Say what you want about her shitty movies, but that's pretty cool, right? I mean, that`s really big of her.
(Levin, not caring about what NC is saying about Bullock, looks at the camera)
Levin: She looks fat.
NC: (looks surprised) What?
Levin: She's really fat. Mr. Norton, new front page: "Sandra Bullock: Ballooning 'The Blind Side' of her Back Side!"
(Everyone laughs and agrees, while also mocking and teasing Bullock)
Announcer: TMZ! Our fault, dear Brutus, lies not in our stars, but in ourselves. I mean, we trend to the end.
(Ms. Louis is crying)
Levin: Ms. Louis, what's wrong?
Ms. Louis: I just, for a second, thought about doing real journalism, respecting my job, contributing something important to peoples' lives.
Levin: (jumps out of his chair and grabs her arms) Ms. Louis, pull yourself together. (He slaps her)
Ms. Louis: Ah!
Levin: Your job is bullshit! If you don't report Emma Watson possibly having a double chin, then who will?
Ms. Louis: But I...
Levin: Just swallow your dignity and remember, you have no soul to lose.
Ms. Louis: (takes a deep breath and smiles) Okay, I'm good.
(At the background, NC looks shocked)
Announcer: TMZ! We're cool! Really, we're cool!
(Back to the movie, where we see another Mecha called Gigolo Joe, who is framed for a murder he did not commit and is forced to go on the run)
NC (vo): So we cut to what I like to call Movie 2 because, yeah, from this point on, it is pretty much an entirely different movie, where we see Jude Law playing a prostibot. He's in trouble because he's framed for a murder by a jealous ex-lover, and thus, is on the run, because apparently, even though it's explained very clearly that none of these robots are able to have feelings, they do seem to have a need for self-preservation. (beat) And a need to form opinions. (beat) And a need to be sarcastic. (beat) And a need to have distinct personalities. (NC's tone starts to changed from calm to annoyed) And a need to adapt. And a need to change. And a need to interact. And a need to survive. And a need to help. And a need to protect. And a need to fight. And a need to lie. And a need to deceit. And a need to want. And a need to desire. And a need to do just about anything a goddamn human being emotionally needs to do!
NC: But, just to emphasize again, none of them have any emotional feelings whatsoever. (beat) YYYYeah, and Mel Gibson just drinks a little too much coffee.
Levin: (having just walked in) He does? NEWSFLASH!
(He runs off. NC groans and rests his head in his hand. Cut back to the forest where David finds several broken robots)
NC (vo): So David comes across a bunch of robot zombies...
NC: Which if that's not a thing...somebody make that a thing.
NC (vo): But they see a bad moon rising, which are actually representatives of a Flesh Fair, a gathering of people who hate robots, and take ones who are no longer owned and destroy them.
(Cut to a scene where robots are being hunted by people on wolf-like motorcycles)
NC: Okay, I know we're trying to hammer in the whole fairy tale thing, but...really? This is what we're doing for "chased by wolves"?
NC (vo): Is this really the best you've got?
NC: 'Cause, if you're gonna do that, why don't you just make Little Red Riding Hood a gang on the East Side with red hoodies?
(We see a Photoshopped image of exactly that, before we cut back to the Flesh Fair hunt. A robot woman looks around, showing off CGI sides of her face)
NC (vo; imitating robot woman): Just posing for the camera to show off that effect...okay.
(David and the other robots get caught)
NC (vo): So they get caught in a net...yeah, apparently these super strong robots' greatest weakness is...a net...as they drag them to the last place they want to go to.
(Cut to the Flesh Fair, a large event in the manner of a Monster Truck Rally where obsolete Mecha are destroyed before large jeering crowds. The heavy metal band that performs at the show is shown to be Ministry)
NC:(vo): Welcome to the Kubrick-Spielberg collaboration, everybody. Doesn't it look exactly how you thought it would look? Oh, the artistic majesty. Oh, the visual wonder. Oh, the...Chris Rock-bot?
(Cut to a robot voiced by Chris Rock being shoved into a cannon)
Robot: Could you kinda shoot me over the propeller thing? Yeah, I don't need to go through it. I mean, I was considering it, but I changed my mind.
NC: Okay...Mr. Spielberg...I'm not gonna act like I'm the biggest aficionado on Stanley Kubrick or anything, but...I'm just gonna take...a wild guess, a wild fucking guess, that...Stanley Kubrick, the director of 2001, A Clockwork Orange, The Shining--HE WOULDN'T PUT A CHRIS ROCK-BOT IN THERE!!
(We are shown repeating footage of the "Chris Rock-bot")
NC (vo): I mean, did you really think that was part of the great master's vision? Really? Was one of the agreements that you guys talked about in making this film for years that it cannot be made unless the essential Chris Rock-bot was in there? Just somewhere? Anywhere? The whole entire thing would crumble if...really, a Chris Rock-bot?!
NC: Or, hell, maybe Stanley Kubrick was a big Chris Rock fan! I mean, who knows?! (scoffs) Maybe he could have used him in other films if he was around back then!
(Cut to a scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey, showing Dave speaking with Hal 9000. NC does an impression of Chris Rock to dub over the dialogue of Hal 9000)
Dave: Open the pod-bay doors, Hal.
Hal 9000: Eeeeeh, no!
Dave: Open the doors.
Hal 9000: Nnno!
Dave: What's the problem?
Hal 9000: Crackalacka, you gots to go!
Dave: What are you talking about, Hal?
Hal 9000: I gotta get this part right, or I'm gonna have nothing but shitty movies for the rest of my life!
Dave: Hal, I won't argue with you anymore!
Hal 9000: No, no, I don't think you understand! You gots to go!
Hal 9000: Eeh, no!
Hal 9000: Eeh, no!
Hal 9000: Eeh, no!
Dave: I'll go in through the emergency airlock.
Hal 9000: Whaddya want, a cookie?!
NC: I mean, it's lazy! It's so fucking lazy! I mean, what idiot would actually pu-
Levin: (off-screen) Another meeting, everyone!
NC: (sighs) You know, sometimes, I wonder if Spielberg even understands what it means to represent someone fairly. (Gets up and leaves)
(Cut to another TMZ staff meeting)
Levin: All right, guys, because we have so many important topics to get out there, I thought it be best if we select our stories a little faster. So, I'm gonna hold up a picture of a celebrity, and if you think we should do a story on it, then let out a collective grunt, and if you don't think we should do a story on the celebrity, then just shake your head no.
Ms. Louis: That's a great idea!
Mr. Erin: Yeah, we'll be able to get through more stories this way!
Levin: All right.
(He holds up a picture of Will Smith, and the TMZ staff start grunting, or barking, like seals. Levin then holds up a picture of William Shatner, and the TMZ staff all shake their heads no. Then Levin holds up a picture of the Olsen Twins, and the TMZ staff go back to barking like seals. Levin then holds up a picture of Linkara, and the TMZ staff shake their heads no again. Levin then holds up pictures of celebrities such as Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan, and the TMZ staff goes into seal mode like crazy)
Levin: Now, that's what thought-provoking news is all about, right, guys? Right?
(He joins in, barking like a seal, too. NC watches Levin and the staff with an "Oh, my God!" look on his face. The show's title screen appears to lead us into commercial. When we return, we see Teddy walking through the Flesh Fair)
NC (vo): So we return back to the Flesh WWE Monster Truck Anti-Gay Marriage Fair, when somebody thinks David shouldn't be there.
(A father and his little daughter discover David in a cage)
Little Girl's Dad: You're a machine.
David: My name is David.
Little Girl's Dad: (amazed) Impossible.
NC: (confused) ...Why? He looks like every other robot there, at least the ones that look human.
NC (vo): Is it because there's never been a robot child before? 75 years at least of androids and there's never been a robot child?
NC: The Chris Rock-bot...
(We cut back to the Chris Rock-bot again)
NC: (vo) ...was more important to make than a robot child?! I'm sorry, unless he's a machine that also turns water to absinthe, I wouldn't buy him!
(The Fair's owner, Lord Johnson-Johnson, is attempting to take both David and Gigolo Joe to their doom)
Lord Johnson-Johnson: I said let go.
Gigolo Joe: I'm trying.
David: Don't let go! Keep me safe! Don't let go!
Lord Johnson-Johnson: Suit yourself.
NC (vo): But just when it looks like David and his prosti-bot are about to go to Silicon Heaven, the audience finds they just can't do it.
(Lord Johnson-Johnson shows off David to the crowd, as David pleads for his life)
David: Don't make me die! I'm David! I'm David! I'm David!
(The audience is stunned)
Audience member: Mecha don't plead for their lives!
NC: Oh, really? Did you not hear the comedic pleads of the (cut back to the...) Chris Rock-bot? I'm sorry. (cut back to NC) I know I'm dwelling, but really, what was that?!
(The audience, deceived by David's realistic nature, revolts and allows David to escape alongside Gigolo Joe and Teddy. The trio set off to find the Blue Fairy, whom David recalls learning about from the book Pinocchio and believes that the Blue Fairy may turn him into a real boy, so Monica will love him and take him back. To hopefully find answers, the trio journey to Rouge City)
NC (vo): So they let him go and the prosti-bot follows along. His new mission? To find the Blue Fairy. Rather than the prosti-bot just tell him--oh, I don't know--there's no such thing, he says the answer lies in a perverted little town known as Rouge City. They go through--well, let's face it--the most awesome shot in the movie...
(Said shot consists of David, Teddy, Joe and the teenagers they are hitchhiking driving through a tunnel that resembles a woman's mouth, and the teens are 'screaming in pleasure'. We then see David and Joe walking around the bright and colorful Rogue City)
NC (vo): ...and hitch a ride all the way down to PG-13 Land, a place that never would've existed in Kubrick's world. That's right. All of your wildest fantasies mildly realized! Oh, look at how sort of stimulating that is! Oh, look at how kind of erotic that turns out--ish! Hey, look! (A green arrow points to a gold statue of God-knows-what) That almost looks like a nipple!
(We see David and Joe talk with an interactive holographic head of a brainy doctor called Dr. Know)
NC (vo): And because the Internet apparently doesn't exist in this future, all of your questions have to be answered by a distracting Robin "Dr. Wily" Williams performance.
Dr. Know: Starving minds, welcome to Dr. Know! Where fast food for thought is served up 24 hours a day in 40,000 locations nationwide.
NC: Question one: explain these. (He shows posters of Father's Day, Man of the Year, Flubber, License to Wed and RV below him, then we cut back to Dr. Know, who explodes) I thought so.
NC (vo): But Dr. Google, it appears, doesn't seem to have the answers that David is looking for.
Dr. Know: In the garden. Vascostylis blue fairy. Blooms twice annually with bright blue flowers on a branched inflorescence.
NC (vo): Come on, just a few years after this movie came out, we got the greatest search engines possible, and this...incredible future thing can't even tell if it means a flower, a story, or whatever? (Scoffs) Must be the AOL of search engines.
(David eventually asks Dr. Know "How can the Blue Fairy make a robot into a real live boy?", and Dr. Know answers the question by directing them to the flooded ruins of Manhattan, where the Blue Fairy may exist)
NC (vo): But they finally ask the right question and figure out that the Blue Fairy apparently is at the factory where David was created, all the way in New York City.
(David and Joe drive into the flooded ruins of the city. The Statue of Liberty is flooded except for the arm holding the torch)
NC (vo): Kind of strange office location, don't you think? Is the commute difficult for workers there? "Hey, Frank, going to Destroyed Ruin #5 again?" "Nah, I think I'm upgrading to Dangerously Unstable Rubble #3. You know, looking to move up in the world."
(David and Joe arrive at the factory, located at the top of Rockefeller Center)
NC (vo): But David goes inside the factory and searches for himself. Sort of.
(David looks at a chair, which spins to reveal a second David)
David: Are you real?
David 2: I'm David.
David: You're not!
David 2: Yes, I am.
David: So am I.
David 2: Let's be friends.
NC: But I'm sure kind, loving David will find it in his heart to find that he's unique in his own wonderful wa--
David: I'm David!! (He then smashes the second David across the face with a lamp)
NC: (shocked) JESUS!
(David keeps shouting "I'm David" after smacking the other one's head off, just swinging in the air now)
NC (vo; as David): I can't believe even though I know I'm a machine, I never realized they could build another one of me! Why is so much obvious logical information left out of my memory banks? Why!?
(Professor Allen Hobby comes in)
Dr. Hobby: David.
David: (winding down) I'm David. I'm David.
(Dr. Hobby takes the lamp away from him)
NC (vo): But the BlandBot comes in and explains that everything that's happened to him was all part of the plan.
Dr. Hobby: The ability to chase down our dreams...and that is something no machine has ever done until you. Until you were born, robots didn't dream, robots didn't desire unless we told them what to want.
NC (vo; as Dr. Hobby): Your ability to want nothing but your mother even after you were programmed to want nothing but your mother is a break...through?
David: I thought I was one of a kind.
Dr. Hobby: You are the first of a kind.
David: My brain is falling out.
Dr. Hobby: The team is anxious to talk to you. I want you to wait here. I'll gather them up.
NC (vo; as Dr. Hobby): Yes, after killing your robotic double, destroying the room and looking completely brain raped, I'll leave you here completely alone and unattended. What could go wrong?
(We are shown David diving into a river, where he sees a statue of the Blue Fairy underwater)
NC (vo; normal): Well, how about this? David throws himself off the building into the water, where...quite fucking coincidentally, he finds a statue of the Blue Fairy at an amusement park. Oh, after being guided there by a school of fish, of course.
NC: I-I-I don't know.
(Joe is captured via electromagnet by authorities, while David and Teddy take control of the aircraft to see the Fairy, which turns out to be a statue from an attraction on Coney Island, and end up getting trapped when the Wonder Wheel falls on their amphibicopter)
NC (vo): Prosti-bot (Joe) gets busted by authorities using a magnet which...doesn't suck up David for some reason...and David makes his way to the Blue Fairy statue, where he spends the rest of his days following a dream, hoping it'll come true.
(David is trapped inside the amphibicopter underwater, sitting in front of the Blue Fairy statue)
David: (whispering) Please make me real.
NC (vo): Even, you could argue, creating faith, possibly even a religion, thus making him much less human, but also even more human, drawing his journey to a close.
(NC, with a deadpan face, inhales then exhales. Ever so calmly, he takes out a bottle of Advil. He takes some pills out and swallows them with a glass of water. He closes the bottle and puts it down. He then sighs and gently rubs his forehead)
NC: Two thousand years later...
(The film cuts to 2,000 years later, where humans have become extinct, Manhattan is buried under glacial ice, and Mecha have evolved into an advanced, intelligent, silicon-based form called Specialists)
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, don't act like you don't know what happens. Even people who haven't seen the movie know about the infamously horrible continuation of a story that everyone in the world said should not continue. It would've been fine if they just left him in front of the Blue Fairy. Everyone would've said, "Yeah, it had problems, but you know what? It could've been worse." Well, this is the worse they're talking about. And it's not just the fact that it continues when it shouldn't. It's the fact that it gives the lamest, the schmaltziest, preschool-friendly middle finger to anyone who may have possibly liked this movie even a little.
NC: You all know what it is, but just for the hell of it, let's go over it. (beat) Aliens arrive...
(The Specialists discover David and Teddy's amphibicopter, where David and Teddy have been frozen over the years, and they revive them, before using David's memories to reconstruct the Swinton home)
NC (vo): Oh, wait, no. I'm sorry. Robots that are never clarified as robots unless you read the script, and discover David two thousand years later frozen in ice. Yeah, apparently his circuits and programming survived all that time. The longest lasting in human creation.
NC: Just don't feed him spinach.
NC (vo): And with their super not-alien powers, they create a world for David to live in just like his home. And, get this, even the Blue Fairy is there.
(At the newly-reconstructed Swinton house, David finally meets the Blue Fairy (who's voiced by Meryl Streep), which is an interactive image created by the Specialists)
Blue Fairy: You've been searching for me, haven't you, David?
NC: Now, if you still somehow managed to stay in your seat after this information was made aware to you, I urge you not to turn around, because you'll probably notice rows and rows of empty seats, and threatening letters written in nosebleed blood, as that was the only thing that could serve as ink at the time.
(A Photoshopped image is shown, showing empty theater seats with a letter written in blood "THIS MOVIE SUCKS!" pinned to one seat)
David: Will Mommy be coming home soon?
Blue Fairy: She can never come home, because two thousand years have passed, and she is no longer living.
NC (vo): Yes, our technology only extends to Blue Fairy science. We can bring inanimate wood to life and give it a personality based on your memory, but the one thing that takes up the most of your fucking mind, we can't materialize for some reason. We're kind of dumb not-aliens that way!
Blue Fairy: We can bring back other people from your time in the past.
David: Why can't you bring back her?!
Blue Fairy: Because we can only bring back people whose bodies we dig up from the ice. We need some physical sample of the person, like a bone or a fingernail.
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, because the enchanting fairy tale atmosphere is really completed with talks of DNA samples and scientific reanimation. God, a fucking Blue Fairy is saying this!
Teddy: David, do you remember when you cut some of Mommy's hair?
NC: (gasps) Oh, tell me Teddy doesn't have it. Tell me Teddy doesn't have it...
(Teddy reveals the hair lock of Monica)
NC (vo): Oh, he does! He does! Kinda sick, actually, but I won't question the motives behind a children's toy who doesn't have motives. Remember, no feelings. We clarified that. Ah-ha.
David: Now you can bring her back.
Blue Fairy: Your wish is my command.
NC (vo): So, joy of joys, the... (groans) Blue Fairy can bring Mommy back, right? Well, listen to this horse cock.
(The leader of the Specialists (voiced by Ben Kingsley) speaks with David)
Specialist: Those who were resurrected only lived through a single day of renewed life. If we bring your mother back now, it will only be for one day.
David: Maybe the one day...maybe it will last forever.
(NC looks like he's about to lose it, but catches himself)
NC: If you still managed to stay in your seats after this information was made aware to you, I urge you again, please don't turn around, because chances are, you'd be seeing the hanging dead corpses of the film custodians, the owner of the theater...hell, maybe even the people who made the popcorn! (We are shown that image of the empty theater seats again, only there are also hanged bodies with bags over their heads) I don't know, just whoever they could find!
Specialist: We only want your happiness.
David: Then you know what you have to do.
Specialist: Listen. Can you hear that? (The night turns to morning through the window) Go to her, David.
NC (vo): Oh, so they already brought her back to life. They were just fucking with him by giving him the option. I mean, if he said no, would they have just eaten her or something?
(David sees an awakened Monica in her bed)
David: I found you.
NC (vo): She (Monica) wakes up in a Folgers commercial, and they intend to spend the whole day together as if it was her last, because, yeah, that's the gist of it.
(Cut to the next scenes of David and Monica playing hide and seek with Teddy, scaring him when he finds them in the closet)
Narrator (Ben Kingsley): David had never had a birthday party because David had never been born, so they baked a cake and lit some candles.
(Monica presents a cake to David)
Monica: Now make a wish.
David: It came true already.
(NC looks like he's about to explode with rage, but manages to stop himself)
NC: If you still managed to stay in your seats after this information was made aware to you, I desperately urge you, do not turn around and look behind you, because chances are, your theater is on fire! (An image of a burning building is shown) I don't know if you remember the great A.I. theater burnings of 2001, but it cost many moviegoers their lives!
NC: Yet the causers of the fire still got a refund.
(Cut to the final scene with David sleeping next to Monica when their day ends)
Narrator: And for the first time in his (David) life, he went to that place...where dreams are born.
(Teddy climbs onto the bed and watches David and Monica sleep peacefully together for the last time as the film ends)
NC (vo): And Teddy...well, fuck Teddy. He's not real like David. He's just a bear. A bear who wanted to make David's dreams come true, even though he doesn't want anything technically, 'cause he's just a machine, who cares about what David wants, while not caring what David wan-
NC: JESUS, THIS IS STUPID!! This is the stupidest ending you could ever give to a movie like this! I mean, by God, were you even thinking?! WERE YOU EVEN THINKING?! (scoffs) And we all know who's to blame, right? We all know exactly who's to blame for this schmaltzy crap! Spielberg! He's the culprit! We all know it! It's got to be Spielberg!
(The scene of David looking at the Blue Fairy statue underwater is shown again, as well as the final scene)
NC (vo): I mean, obviously, Kubrick would've ended it under the water, and Spielberg added that last 15 minutes. There's no other explanation.
NC: Wait, just look at it here! Just look at it here! (Types on the computer and points at the screen) Yeah, there you go! The writers who were originally working on A.I. all thought it was crazy when Kubrick wanted to bring David's mother back... (Suddenly becomes stunned) What?
(He reads the commentary of A.I. about Kubrick and Spielberg, discovering an ultimate fact about the film NC hadn't before as sentimental music plays)
NC: That...ending was Kubrick's idea. In fact, most of the original writers thought it wouldn't work. But Spielberg did his best to work with him and get across the idea he had in mind. (Becomes stunned and puzzled) So, Kubrick's to blame for that ending? The Stanley Kubrick? The Shining, A Clockwork Orange, Paths of Glory? (Footage showing David and the Blue Fairy is shown on the computer screen) He's the one that put together that incredibly sappy ending? (NC looks dumbfounded as his initial thoughts on the film begin to change) Wow. Maybe in the end, Kubrick was trying to make that Spielberg movie he never could, which ironically resulted in Spielberg making that Kubrick movie he never could. (More clips of the film are shown on the computer screen) The film is so disjointed and all over the place, and clearly not one vision. But at the same time, bringing that vision to life, even though so many people were against it, just to make a close friend's dream come true. Maybe he (Spielberg) understood Kubrick...better than we thought he did. Maybe he understood him better than...any of us did. Maybe representing a person's work and representing a person himself...are more similar than we realized.
(Levin comes over and sees Kubrick's image on the computer screen)
Levin: Who's that guy?
NC: Oh, that's Stanley Kubrick, sir.
Levin: Kubrick. I know that name.
NC: Yeah, well, you should. He directed 2001: A Space Odyssey, A Clockwork Orange, The Shining, just to name a few.
Levin: And, uh, what are you looking up about him?
NC: Oh, just how Steven Spielberg and him were friends and how he directed a movie for him after he died and...how they might've actually been closer to each other than a lot of people give them credit for.
Levin: Hm. That sounds pretty good. You, uh, mind if we use that for the topic of this week's show?
NC: Sure, go for it. (Levin walks off. NC looks at the camera) Well, goes to show you again. Some people can, in fact, surprise you in the end.
(Once more, we cut to the workers at TMZ showing off their newest story)
Announcer: Next TMZ! Were Stanley Kubrick and Steven Spielberg gay for one another? Look out, Bert and Ernie!
Levin: So my research shows that these two are all over each other!
Ms. Louis: How can Spielberg be all over that fat blob? (Everyone laughs)
Mr. Norton: Well, it's easier to understand than half his crappy movies.
Levin: Yeah, hello. 2001? I mean, like, if I can't understand it, then that means it sucks. (Everyone laughs again)
Ms. Louis: What a hack!
(As everyone laughs and mocks Stanley Kubrick, NC looks quite heartbroken at what the people at TMZ is doing. He then walks off to another room and gets a camera)
Levin: Hey, Critic. What are you doing?
NC: (sighs) Well, you guys have opened my eyes. You've shown me that...nothing is sacred. I mean, by God, if you can take Stanley Kubrick, one of the greatest directors of all time, and make a story about him like that...I have no choice. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
(Everyone cheers before going into seal mode. The next 30 seconds or so are of NC going around filming stuff and taking pictures to the background of flashes and shutters going off. Later, we see Levin and the TMZ staff working another day)
Announcer: TMZ! Our staff suicides are at a new low!
Levin: Well, everyone, in light of the Critic's recent breakthrough, I think it's only fair that we let him go first, okay? (A smiling NC walks to Levin) You got some good stuff for us, Critic?
NC: Oh, I do, I do, yes. (Levin goes to join the gang as they all await to hear NC's latest TMZ stories) I have drunken outbursts, sexual affairs, crossdressing! Some of the sauciest stuff I've ever had to record.
Levin: That all sounds pretty steamy, Critic. How'd you get so much footage of people doing such rotten stuff?
NC: Oh-ho, it was quite easy, actually. I just followed all of you.
(The music goes silent as everyone frowns at what NC just said)
Mr. Norton: What?
NC: Yeah, yeah. For example, Mr. Erin. I got some lovely snapshots of you cheating on your wife.
(We are shown pictures of Mr. Erin shown hugging and kissing someone. Mrs. Adams laughs at an embarrassed Mr. Erin)
NC: Oh, don't laugh too much there, Mrs. Adams. You're the one he's having the affair with.
(Mrs. Adams is now shown to be the one Mr. Erin is hugging and kissing in the pictures, which shuts her up and causes her to be embarrassed, too)
- (Note: Mr. Norton's revealed secret is cut from the Channel Awesome uploaded version of the review)
*NC: And, Mr. Norton, I have a wonderful audio recording of you drunk off your ass and using some very choice words.
(A picture of Mr. Norton is shown along with a tape reel)
Mr. Norton: (audio only) No, really. If we just wipe out all the Chinese, we wouldn't be afraid of nothing anymore.
Mr. Norton: (embarrassed laugh) That's not me! That's an impostor me.*
NC: And, Ms. Louis, who can forget that enchanted evening that I recorded not 24 hours ago?
(We are shown footage of Ms. Louis coming out from behind a building as she zips her pants up)
Ms. Louis: You were amazing.
(A goat bleating is heard. Back in the office, Ms. Louis drops her cup in shock)
NC: And our dear, beloved boss. Take a look at what I recorded when you thought you were alone in what you thought was a closed office.
(The camera peeks in to see Levin with his shirt off, wearing a bra and a long black-haired wig while posing in front of a compact mirror)
Levin: Mm, I'm Kim Kardashian. Mm, I'm Kim Kardashian.
(Everyone looks at Levin, who is completely embarrassed while his eyes are wide and sweat drips down the side of his head)
NC: Yeah, not so hot when the two-week-old shoe is on the other foot, is it? But you wanna know who the biggest idiot of them all is? This guy right here. (A picture of NC is shown) Yeah, all because of what he thought of this. (The title for A.I. is shown) I used to hate this movie. I mean, really despise it.
(As NC reveals his official thoughts of A.I. to the stunned TMZ staff, we are shown several clips of the film)
NC (vo): I thought this was the worst representation of a director simply by choosing his opposite.
NC: But I realize now that Spielberg was going into a no-win situation. If he did it in his own style, everyone would say "Oh, that's not like Kubrick at all." If he tried to mimic his style, everybody would say "Oh, he's not talented enough to mimic Kubrick." But...maybe it wasn't about that. Maybe it was just about bringing a man's dream to life, a dream that this man obsessed over for years and years and a really good friend didn't want to see go to waste.
NC (vo): And, even if it didn't come out that great, even if it was unfocused or cheesy...
NC: ...he still mimicked the director enough to show that he understood him. He still created some interesting conversations and ideas. And you know what? He fucking tried.
NC (vo): He tried to the best of his abilities to properly represent a person who was...
NC: ...very close to him, which is more than I can say for anyone in this room! Maybe Kubrick would've done it better, maybe he could've done it worse. Hell, it's totally possible for a great director to make a bad film. But what nobody can deny is that Spielberg did his best to make a friend's dream a reality. And nobody, fucking nobody, can fault him for that.
(After a long beat, Ms. Louis makes an angry grin)
Ms. Louis: Yeah, well, he's still fat.
NC: (sighs) Well, I guess it doesn't matter. All the world knows your evil little secrets anyway.
Levin: But how do we come back from this? How do we make them forget?
NC: Well, maybe if you ask all of the people on the Internet over and over to forget, maybe, just maybe, your wish'll come true.
(The completely embarrassed and defeated TMZ staff then run over to the nearby computer)
Levin: Please forget.
(They then start chanting "Please forget" at the computer, in a similar manner to David asking the Blue Fairy model to turn him into a real boy. NC watches on and looks at the camera)
NC: Well, maybe the longing for dignity is the beginning of dignity. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it... (looks to the gang, then leans in to the camera) ...and don't you forget.
(He walks away)
Levin: I don't think it's working. Let's try something more positive.
(The gang goes into seal mode before we go to credits)
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Levin: (barking in seal mode)