Channel Awesome

(Ask That Guy rises up from behind the counter)

Ask ThatGuy: Glitis, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and Welcome to Ask That Guy with the Glasses.


Narrator: Why are there so many songs about rainbows?

Ask That Guy: That's a very good question, and the answer is because Dorothy and Kermit the Frog are looking to kill us all. Oh, yes. It's something they've been plotting for years and years. You see, Dorothy is actually in league with the Flying Monkey People, and plans to use their strength to take over the world. She's already taken over Oz. I mean, think about it. When's the last time you saw her? That's right. All of Oz is enslaved, she's the evil ruler and nobody knows about it. What does this have to do with the Muppets? Well, that's another one of life's best-kept secrets. The Muppets are actually Flying Monkey People. Think about it; don't they look kind of similar? Now I know what you're thinking; If Dorothy is the ruler of Oz and she plans to take over the world with the Muppets and the Evil Monkey People, why aren't we doing anything about it? Well, that's because people don't know about it. So, I am starting a campaign to make Dorothy famous. Starting March 11th, I want everybody to make the evil tyranical Dorothy known throughout the world. (A poster of Dorothy, Osama Bin Laden, and Adolf Hitler with the tagline Dorothy 2012 appears on screen) If the goverment sees we want her stopped, they will eventually stop her. Remember: March 11th, I want everyone to put these posters up... wait, that's tomorrow. God, that's a lot of work making posters to get out in one day. You know what? Forget it. A world ruled by Flying Monkey People is actually pretty cool. And at the very least, we'll get another Muppet sequel out of it. But God help you if Jason Segal isn't attached. I have this poster ready. (A poster of Jason Segal similar to the one of Dorothy, but with the tagline Segal 2012 appears on screen)

Narrator: Jesus could walk on water, humans are 90% water, and I am able to walk on humans. Does that make me 90% Jesus?

Ask ThatGuy: YES, IT DOES!!! (Bows as the words YOU ARE JESUS! appear at the screen and a "Hallelujah" choir sings) Where have you been, man? All sorts of shit's been going on since you left! Have you heard about this Flying Monkey thing? That's gonna be awesome!

Narrator: What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Ask ThatGuy: Well, I think that answer's obvious; make us the next endangered species. That way, animals will try to preserve us from being whiped out. We won't need to worry about endangered creatures eating endangered plants, because we'll be spending the rest of our lives trying to repopulate the species. And that is a good living. A lot of people have already tried to repopulate the species. Say, take the cast of Jersey Shore. But quite frankly, I don't know if we want more of those running around. That's why the animals have to be sure they get the smartest, strongest, most incredibly endowed humans to populate the species and kill all the rest. Now, I know what you're thinking; What if I'm not the smartest, the strongest, or most endowed human? (A pause) Well, lie to them. They're fucking animals. They'll be like, "Meow" and you'll be like, "Fuck you, bitch, you're a cat!" (Pretends to slap something) What a stupid question.

Narrator: Should I use reverse psychology on potential employers to get a job that I am not qualified for?

Ask ThatGuy: Absolutely. I can recall dozens of times I've gone in for a job interview and they've asked, "Do you want this job" and I say, "Hell, no." Of course, I did have a gun pointing at them at the time, so maybe that had something in weaning their interest. But I can guarantee you it always got me the job. But usually for just a few seconds. The rest of the time after that, I usually end up in jail. But I had that job for a little bit. And in the end, isn't that all that matters? (A pause) NO!

Narrator: Why is the grass always greener on the other side?

Ask ThatGuy: Because your neighbors work harder and are better than you. Pretty easy.

Narrator: Why is water so wet?

Ask ThatGuy: Well, honestly, I think a lot of that comes down to interpretation. For example, I never personally saw water as being wet, but more as a summoner for T-Rexes. Watch. (Puts his finger in his glass; a T-Rex comes down and roars; ATG screams)

Narrator: Does a dyslexic Satanist worship Santa?

Ask ThatGuy: Oh-ho-ho. What a ridiculous, insulting question... they worship satin. After all, it is one of the softest fabrics out there, and I know a lot of the more traditional Satanists are like, "Oh, you worship satin, you're weird." But then they try on their little red satin shirts and I assure you they're in Heaven... or Hell... or whatever the hell they worship, or whatever the Heaven they worship, or... that's so stupid.

Narrator: Why does my nose bleed if I didn't cut it on anything?

Ask ThatGuy: Well, I think it's time that we had "The talk". You see, every nose goes through what we call a "period". But thankfully, there are these little devices known as "Nose tampons". The first thing you do is test it out by taking some blue liquid and pouring it all over it. Next, you take the blue tampon and shove it up your-- I don't know. What kind of stupid question is that?!

Narrator: Where for art thou, brother?

Ask ThatGuy: He's over there. (Cuts to Rob Walker, who gives the camera a thumbs up) Seriously, "Why does your nose bleed?"

Narrator: Have the lambs stopped screaming?

Ask ThatGuy: I do wish we could chat longer, but... (Lowers voice) I'm having an old friend for dinner. (Turns and looks at Rob with a smile. Rob glances at him nervously; ATG turns back to the camera) This is ThatGuyWithTheGlasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question, until you ask it."

(The ending music from The Silence of the Lambs plays. ATG turns toward Rob again. Rob turns up his collar and hurries out the door. ATG follows him out. The next shot shows Rob hurrying down the sidewalk outside. ATG follows behind, putting a straw hat on his head. The credits appear as he walks after Rob)