Ask That Guy with the Glasses Episode 67 (Feb. 16, 2012)
[We see the back wall of That Guy's bar. He rises up from behind the bench with a drink in his left hand and his traditional pipe in his right.]
That Guy: Hej! [Swedish for 'hey'] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to "Ask That Guy with the Glasses."
Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen): Why does Peppermint Patty keep calling Charlie Brown Chuck all the time?
That Guy (with pipe in right hand and back to screen right, he turns to the camera): That's a very good question, and the answer is: because she has the hots for him. / You see, when a person is attracted to another person, they often call them by nicknames. / For example, I call my blow-up doll "Kevin." / Now I know what you're thinking: / "Isn't Peppermint Patty a total lesbo?" / No! Because lesbians don't exist. / They were just made up to make men more horny. / She simply acts like a lesbian so she can get that girl with the glasses to do her bidding. / Now I know what you're thinking again: / If that girl with the glasses wants her so badly, doesn't that technically make her a lesbian? [pauses for a few seconds] No. / She's just nuts.
Narrator: Republican or Democrat?
That Guy: I'll take "Sanity," thank you.
Narrator: I have a demon in my house. It's talking to me, telling me things that I can't understand. What do I do?
That Guy: [chuckles] I had something similar happen to me once. / It turns out it was just a little child who snuck into my house, playing some tricks on me, making noises all throughout the place. [pauses for a few beats] But I still didn't take any chances. / I shot the little bastard twenty times [demonstrates] in the shape of a cross just to be sure. / Remember: it doesn't matter if you win or lose, just as long as somebody else loses, too. / That's the American Way. [gives a military salute with a creep/happy face as Battle Hymn of the Republic plays]
Narrator: Are hipsters becoming mainstream?
That Guy: No. They're simply becoming more obnoxious and more annoying. / The solution? Thinking for yourself, / instead of going out of your way to think the opposite of what everybody else is thinking. / Alright, just for all the hipsters out there watching that haven't caught onto that yet, / I think it would be a good idea if you all DON'T shoot yourself. [we hear a barrage of gunfire as That Guy happily looks off-screen-right. When the gunfire stops, he looks back at us] God, I love my job.
Narrator: Do you love your job?
That Guy: [crying] No, it's the [hits counter with his right fist] worst job in the world!!! I just sent hundreds and hundreds of people to their death!! [openly sobs with head on counter] / [back to normal demeanor] Sorry about that. Every once in a while, my humanity does come out. / Whenever I actually do have a human emotion, I just let my inner hatred destroy it. / [starts to cry again but quickly sighs as his face turns happy again]
Narrator: Have you seen Junior's grades?
That Guy: I certainly have. I've never seen such a level of failure. / Apparently, Junior's grades have been so bad that they had to create a new letter to grade him! / Instead of giving an F, he got a "Flil": / a brand new letter to make children feel even worse about their intelligence than they already do. / But hey, it could've been worse. [leans in] He could've gotten a "Flil gorn." [leans back and pauses] Oh, a "gorn" is something actually less than a "minus." I'm so proud of my son.
Narrator: What does God need with a starship?
That Guy: Well, that depends. What does God need with millions of people worshipping him? / Try asking THAT in Sunday School. You'll get a "Flil" in a millisecond. / [serious tone as he slowlys leans in] Or maybe you'll start the revolution of Cthulhu. / [normal postion and happy tone] Either way, you'll get grounded.
Narrator: If Jesus can turn water into wine and humans are 90% water, am I drunk?
That Guy: [back to right and turn] Yes, but that's beside the point. / You see, there's already so much wine in our bodies. / If out bodies are made up of 90% water, then how come, when I prick my finger something red comes out? [pauses] Because it's wine! / [chuckles] I tell ya, I get drunk on my blood so much you wouldn't believe. / I just prick my finger and start drinking all the blood that comes out of there. And you know how I know it's wine? Because the more I drink, the more light-headed I get! And the more things start to swoon and get dizzy! / [starts swaying back and forth] Just thinking of it now is making me sort of... [sways more violently until he falls down screen-left]
Narrator: Why is it a pair of panties but just one bra?
That Guy: [back to right and turn] Because little do you know, women actually wear [holds up two fingers] two panties! / [points down with his pipe] One down there, [demonstrates] and one to roll up and stuff in their bra! / Now I know what you're thinking: / If they only stuff one part of the bra, what do they do with the other part? / Well, they just get a boob job for that one breast. / I know, I know. You're saying to yourself: "Isn't that insanely complicated? / Wouldn't it make more sense to stuff both parts of the bar with panties or get a boob job for both breasts?" [pauses again] Well, women are crazy! They watch Twilight! / And enjoy it! / Ssssick!
Narrator: Why is lunchmeat mostly round, but bread is square?
That Guy: It's part of Al-Qaeda's plan. / [holding a drink in his left hand] This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, there's no such thing as a stupid question, until you ask it. [winks, takes a drink from his glass, and squats down beneath the countertop of the bar]
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|2009:||31 · 31.1 · 31.2 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · Announcement · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46|
|2010:||47 · 48 · 49 · Ask That Guy VIOLATES Ma-Ti · 50 · 51 · 52 · 53 · 54 · 55 · 56 · 57|
|2011:||58 · 59 · 60 · 61 · 62 · 63 · 64 · 65 · 66|
|2012:||Live at Kami-Con · 67 · 68 · 69|
|DVD Exclusives:||Best of TGWTG Vol. 1 - AskThatGuy Ep. 1 · Best of TGWTG Vol. 1 - AskThatGuy Ep. 2 · AskThatGuy: Kickassia Edition · Best of TGWTG Vol. 2 - AskThatGuy Episode · Best of TGWTG Vol. 4 - Continuation of Ep. 69|