Ask That Guy Episode 64 (September 29, 2011)

[We see the back wall of That Guy's bar. He rises up from behind the bench with a drink in his left hand and his traditional pipe in his right.]

That Guy: Tamil! [What language? - ed.] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to "Ask That Guy with the Glasses."

[opening introduction]

Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen): Please, won't you be my neighbor?

That Guy (with pipe in right hand and back to screen right, he turns to the camera as we see his drink is now on top of the bar and will be throughout unless noted): That's a very good question, and the answer is: (shouting and pointing mouthpiece at the camera) FUCK YOOOOOUUUU!!!! / You think you can come into MY house, drink my booze, and think that you're suddenly my neighbor? NO! NO! / (normal happy voice) You have to wipe your feet first. / Now that that's taken care of, GO TO HELL!! / (normal, looking up) I love our talks.

Narrator: What's cooler than being cool?

That Guy: (pauses as his eyes look around for as bit) Pop-Tarts.

Monk 1 (quickly interrupting): IT'S NOT POP-TARTS!! [see The Nostalgia Critic's Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials review to get the full joke]

Narrator: Will Elvis Presley come back as a hamster, or is he still wandering various no name shopping centers pondering the meaning of life?

That Guy: (takes out pipe, back to right and turn) Actually, no. He's making bit parts in Chris Columbus movies. / Don't believe me? Take a look at the movie Home Alone. / The scene at the airport where the mother is arguing with one of the people? / Right behind her! He's standing in line! / Don't believe me? I'm totally fucking serious! Go! Check it out! Pause the video! I'll wait while you look. / (we cut to a Deviant Art title card of Ask That Guy that has the caption "Pause Music" in yellow letters with black outlines. That music happens to be the "R&B" version of "The Most Annoying Song in the World" from Episode 56) / (back to ATG) Told ya. He looks good in a beard. (which he strokes)

Narrator: If "Guns don't kill people, people kill people," isn't the next logical step "Don't give guns to people?"

That Guy: Absolutely. That's why we should give them knives. / Knives are a much better weapon. With a gun, (he demonstrates) ya have to load it, take the safety off, aim... With a knife, you just have to apply pressure! And they're dead! / They're far bloodier, much more gruesome... / and, of course, you DON'T need a license to own one. / The important thing is that mankind will always find some weapon to hurt somebody. / And I don't know about you, but THAT FACT gives me comfort knowing that it will always be around. / There's (looks up for a bit) ALMOST a profound message in here, so I'm just going to offset it. (loudly farts and raises his eyes as he does) / Now that's good waste of time. (a quick fart and eye raise)

Narrator: The Mayor of New York just gave me the key to the city. What does it unlock?

That Guy: JEEESUS! / (cut to a picture of Him with His name captioned in red letters, along with the start of the "Hallelujah Chorus" refrain) / (back to ATG and normal music) Nah, I'm just kidding. It's Diet Jesus. / (cut to the same picture, only it says Diet Jesus with "Diet" looking like that of Diet Coke, the "Chorus" continues) / (back to ATG and normal music) Half the calories with the same great taste. / Diet Jesus: (the red caption dissolves in) He died deliciously for your sins. (raises his arms out like a preacher as the "Chorus" sings one last "Hallelujah")

Narrator: Why can't one simply walk into Mordor?

That Guy: (in a serious tone) Because there is great evil there. / The All-Seeing Eye watches over ALL. / Orcs, goblins, and creatures beyond belief roam throughout the land. / Not with a million armies could you do this! / (normal voice) But two short people and a CGI gremlin? THAT you'll get away with. / Did you know that Frodo is now in a show with a guy that dresses up in a dog costume? (pauses, then says with raised eyes:) I WISH I was making that up. [he's not; it's the U.S. version of "Wilfred" - ed.]

Narrator (obviously interrupted) What is the first-

That Guy: Actually, I hear it's quite good.

Narrator: (off-screen) OK. What is the first ru-

That Guy: (makes a very weird noise)

Narrator: What is the first rule of Fight Club?

That Guy: The first rule of Fight Club is, "You do not talk about Fight Club."

Narrator: But doesn't that technically mean YOU'RE talking about Fight Club right now?

That Guy: No, the Phight Club I'm talking about is with a "PH." / (looks up) And a "y" and a "q"... / (back at camera) and a "7." / So you see, I can talk about that Phight Club all I want, you silly person. / And so can my other personality. (we briefly see a flash photo of ATG apparently standing next to the real one with his right arm around the real one's right shoulder; it goes by very fast) He gets around.

Narrator: I have lost my memory. Could you please help me find it?

That Guy: No can do, because I lost my mind. / (looks up) Maybe my mind and your memory (back at camera) are in the exact same place. / Shall we go looking for it? Let's try. / (cut of a green-screen shot of ATG "flying" behind a movie shot of high mountainous terrain from an airplane. He is more-or-less swaying back and forth with his arms outstretched in front of him like Superman. All the while, he was a happy look on his face. He even says "Wow!" Epic movie music accompanies this) / (back to ATG, as normal) Well, it wasn't in the mountains; and I'm tired. (gives us "the finger") Fuck off!

Narrator: How does CatDog from the Nickelodeon cartoon use the bathroom?

That Guy: I don't know. Why don't I go ask them? (he leaves the bar screen-left; after a few seconds, he comes back, takes his normal positions, and faints to the floor; the last part is sped up a bit)

Narrator: Do Canadians do anything other than play hockey all day?

That Guy: WHAT AN INSENSITIVE QUESTION! NO!! / (now holding the drink in his left hand) This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question, (angrily) BUT THERE ARE INSENSITIVE ONES!!" (takes a sip from his drink and crouches down behind the bar, still with an angry face; as he leaves the shot, he roars:) ASS!!


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