62

Ask That Guy Episode 62 (August 14, 2011)

[We see the back wall of That Guy's bar. He rises up from behind the bench with a drink in his left hand and his traditional pipe in his right.]

That Guy: Maltese! Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to "Ask That Guy with the Glasses." (we hold on him for a few seconds as he expects the usual cut to the opening intro, but it doesn't happen. He then looks off to screen right, then left, then right. TG then nervously address the camera:) The music usually starts after that. (again, no music. TG looks around the bar aimlessly for a bit and then back at the camera, looking more worried. He then screams out in a high pitched voice:) MOMMYYYYYYY!!!! [quick cut to opening introduction; TG then says off-screen, in a relieved tone:] Oh, thank God! [and all is normal again... for this series, anyways - ed.]

Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen): Have you ever had the feeling you were being watched?

That Guy (with pipe in right hand and back to screen right, he turns to the camera): That's a very good question, and the answer is: Yes. Yes, I have. / [jump cut] In fact, many people tell me that I'm under the delusion that there's a camera in front of me and that I talk to it answering questions. / (chuckles) They tell me quite often that I'm just taking to myself, but I believe they are full of shit! / If I was just talking to myself, how would YOU at home be able to watch this? / I guess, while we're on the subject, how do you even know you're watching this? / Maybe you're NOT! Maybe life is all just illusion! / Maybe... (quickly looks up) none of us are here at all. / Maybe everything we know is 100% completely false! / Up is down, down is up, and children are all spaghetti! / Everything is uncertain! Everything is unclear! / (getting excited and a bit panicked) How do I know anything is what I think it is? I mean, how do I know if I take this pipe and shove it up my penis hole that it won't hurt like hell? (he crouches and does exactly that as we hear a popping sound effect; TG's face is quickly one suffering from severe pain as he speaks in a child-like voice, altered digitally:) That I was wrong about! (we then hear an effect of him taking the pipe out of that place and then putting the mouthpiece back into this mouth) / (still in the high voice, takes out his pipe) Tastes like oatmeal. (puts the pipe back in)

Narrator: What makes the red-man red?

That Guy: Well, let's go back a million years to the very first Injun ["Native American"] prince. He kissed a maid, he started to blush; and then the aliens came down, kidnapped him and turned him red. / And the rest of the Injuns liked it so much that they asked to be red as well. / But then, too many of them kept asking the aliens to be red. / This was incredibly annoying. / So the aliens sent down white people for them to interact with. That seemed to shut them up. / (takes pipe out of his mouth) What are Indians doing in a story with pirates anyway? (puts pipe back in his mouth)

Narrator: In an episode of Spongebob Squarepants, Spongebob was choking and asked for a glass of water. Why did he ask for one if he clearly lives in the ocean?

That Guy: (chuckles) My stupid, dumb fellow. He doesn't live in the ocean; he lives in the sea. / In fact, if you listen to the song closely, it's not even in the sea. It's under the sea: / HELL. / I mean, think about it. Only a place of damnation could create something as strange as Spongebob Squarepants. / (points pipe at the camera) You know that sound Spongebob makes whenever he laughs? / That's the sound of the Devil's urine hitting a toilet. / (we see TG "urinating" behind the bar, side view, and smiling as we hear a "goat" baa-ing) / Or goats fucking sheep. I forget which. / But either way, you watch Spongebob; and you should be incredibly embarassed by that. / It's like being a boy and playing with Barbie. / You may think you're confused and have a different calling, but you're not; you're just evil. / And all evil things live under the sea. Brought that around full circle, didn't I? / I'm going to be a monkey now. / (cut to a big stuffed monkey sitting behind the bar in TG's place, wearing a tie) / (back to TG) Thank you.

Narrator: Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer?

That Guy: That depends. Can you hear my butt farting like a Mexican? (we then hear a long, drawn-out fart; TG scarily smiles as he slowly starts to squat. The lower he goes, the more strained his face gets. When he finishes, he props back to his normal position with "normal" scary smile) / I'm just kidding. Mexicans don't fart; they just shit chili. / (leans in to the camera) With ostrich. / Hakuna matata.

Narrator: Am I scaring the little girl?

That Guy: (yelling like Bronson Pinchot, somewhat) SCARING THE LITTLE GIRL???

Narrator: If I ate the Milky Way, will it taste like a Milky Way candy bar?

That Guy: I think the best way to answer that is in song. (pauses a few seconds) But since I don't like singing, I'll just say, "No." / No, it doesn't taste like a Milky Way candy bar; it tastes like the anus of Toucan Sam. / And what does the anus of Toucan Sam taste like? / Rainbows. (we see a rainbow appear above TG and hear a harp glissando; he then lets out a very weird noise)

Narrator: With the constant evolution of Apple technology, will their devices one day become sentient and force us to play music for them?

That Guy: (chuckles) Oh, my dear boy. (gets serious) It was already begun. / For example, my Sentient likes me to sing "I'm A Little Teapot" every day and every night. / He forces me to wear an embarassing red hat and red cape. / It's the most humiliating thing I've ever been through. / But please don't let on that's what I think, or else he puts lemons in my nose and jellyfish in my ears. / I'm simply at his control, and there's nothing I can do about it. (we then hear the "Sentient" command That Guy as he shouts "PLAAAYYY!!" in a deep voice) / (a glockenspiel dings as we see TG wearing said hat and cape, signing the afore-mentioned song to accompanied music that has replaced our usual music and doing all the hand movements as well. All the while, he looks and sounds pretty scared:) I'm a little teapot, short and stout! This is my handle! This is my spout! When I get all steamed up, hear me shout: "Tip me over and pour me out!" (the music ends as he quickly pleads:) PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!!! (TG looks scared but then looks up, noticing that the music has stopped. He quickly takes out the cape and hat and throws them on the ground as the noraml music resums; he then spits on the hat)

Narrator: I have a problem. I find myself simply invited to far too many lingerie model pillow fights, and they are beginning to become dull. How would you advise me in improving this situation?

That Guy: INVITE ME!! (with a pained, desperate mug on his face)

Narrator: I have developed chronic masturbation, and I am desperately looking for a way to cure myself. Do you have any suggestions as to how I overcome my problem?

That Guy: (back to right and turn, taking pipe out of mouth) Have you thought about having sex? / Sex is a great way to stop masturbation because, well, it's much better than masturbation. It's fucking sex. / Yes, I say sex is the best way to stop any chronic masturbator. / And, if for some reason, you find you're in a situation where you can't have sex... (laughing wildly, he points at the camera with his left hand) / (cut to him banging the bar top with his right fist, pointing at the camera, and still laughing) / YOU... are the most pathetic thing the world has ever seen! (starts to laugh again as the Sentient's voice returns commanding TG to "PLAAAYYY!!") / (glockenspiel dings as we cut to TG in a replay of the Teapot routine) / (we hear another ding as TG is in his normal attire, waving his pipe at us, as normal music returns) SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!!

Narrator: Who is "she" in the phrase "That's what she said"?

That Guy: Well, you know that famous picture of the sailor kissing the nurse? / (cut to that famous photo from WWII-era Times Square) That's right. Well, you see that (we start to zoom in very close at the figure TG is describing) woman in the background, the one to the right? No, no, not her. Just a little further back. The one that looks like a teeny, tiny little speck that you can barely make out? That's right; RIGHT there. / (cut back to TG) It's not her; it's Obscurus Lupa!

Lupa: (in her normal perch) Hey!

That Guy: WHORE! / [this time, he holds the drink in his left hand] This is That Guy with the Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question..." (the Sentient says "PLAAAYYY!!" again) / (the glockenspiel dings, and TG goes through his Teapot song again) / (another ding as regular music resumes and TG appears in normal clothes but is almost crying) I feel raped!

THE END