Ask That Guy Episode 6 (July 9, 2008)

[ThatGuy is reading a book, after a second he notices the camera]

ThatGuy: Oh, Hola! Didn’t hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy with the Glasses.

[Piano music starts playing, title card appears]

Narrator: So... What was the after-life like? And how did you come back?

ThatGuy: That’s a very good question. Perhaps many of you remember my heart attack on the last episode. [A flashback to the heart attack from episode 5 is shown] Ha ha ha ha, Hilarious. And tragic. I approached God at the pearly gates and I said I felt rather ripped off. There are so may more questions in this world that I need to answer. So I made a deal with the Almighty. He said I could return back to Earth to answer all your questions. And in return I would have to do this every once in a while: Read the Bible! Read it everyday! It has all the answers! Or if you don’t want to read the Bible, read the Chronicles of Narnia! They’re pretty much the same book! Read them and discover life! Life! I hope that answers your question. Life!

Narrator: Where is your traditional 'Ask That Guy with the Glasses' pipe?

ThatGuy: [Notices his pipe is gone] I’ll be right back! [He leaves]

[Cut to Chester A. Bum in his typically location, about to do a review]

The Bum: Oh my God, this is the greatest movie I’ve ever seen in my life! [He pulls out ThatGuy’s pipe] And let me tell you why. In times of high tech science and overblown special effects, this movie dares to take a chance on just the performers and… [a door bell rings] Hold on one moment. [He leaves]

ThatGuy [Off screen]: Give me that! Give me that!

The Bum [Off screen]: No! It’s the only thing that makes me sound [trying to say sophisticated] sophistifaicated.

ThatGuy [Off screen]: Beat it!

The Bum: [Is pushed back on screen] What a douche.

[Cut back to ThatGuy’s room]

ThatGuy: Here it is! [He wipes it off in disgust]

Narrator: A one-armed man is holding onto a cliff while his ass is itching. What should he do?

ThatGuy: He should call on the ass scratching fairy. All you have to do is call out the magic words: Assity, assity! Scratch, scratch, scratch! And the ass scratching fairy will appear. And she will scratch you ass like there’s no tomorrow. The only down side is that she always waves good bye. And of course, you don’t want to be rude, so you would have to wave good bye as well and fall to your death. But at least your ass wouldn’t itch anymore. And isn’t that a cause worth dying for. Yes.

Narrator: Did you recently get a haircut?

ThatGuy: No, my head just got smaller. Ha, haircut.

Narrator: As you read this I am being gradually lowered into a vat of boiling acid. How do you recommend I escape, using as many flashy special effects as possible?

ThatGuy: Well I don’t really have enough information to answer this question. I mean, are you in a cage? Did somebody rap you up in chains? Is there a person slowly lowering you into the acid? Or is it some kind of acid lowering machine? I can’t help you, you’re just going to have to be lowered into the acid and die! That will teach you to ask more specific questions in the future. Which you have none of. Some people have no consideration.

Narrator: What would happen to a guy if he got bitten by a vampire, a werewolf and a zombie all at the same time?

ThatGuy: He would become a werezombiepire. He would turn into a wolf. Suck the blood of innocent people. And then eat his own brains, for good measure. And he would do this day, after day, after day, after day. And unfortunately nothing can kill him. He is a werezombiepire. The only thing that can kill him is a silver bullet, attached to a crucifix, while being filmed in a George A. Romero movie. Because nothing killed the zombies better than George A. Romero.

Narrator: There's a suicidal one-eyed green monkey sitting on my table and smashing newborn squirrels with a kitchen hammer. Therefore I believe the question is pretty obvious: Do you like cabbage soup?

ThatGuy: Yes, I love cabbage soup. With the little parsley and the right spices. It’s actually one of my favorite dishes. Thank you for asking. God bless you.

Narrator: Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

ThatGuy: No. But they can go chubby-dipping. I myself have gone chubby-dipping before. I use to be the size of a bulldozer. And going chubby-dipping was the best way of showing that I am chubby and proud. But I wasn’t proud, I was dead inside. Dead as the Dead Sea.

Narrator: How dead is the Dead Sea?

ThatGuy: Get out of my mind!

Narrator: Are you okay?

ThatGuy: Yeah, yeah. I’m alright.

Narrator: What do people in China call their good plates?

ThatGuy: They call their good plates, good plates. Idiot. This is That Guy With The Glasses saying: There’s no such thing as a stupid question, until YOU ask it.

[ThatGuy goes back to reading his book]

The End

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