Ask That Guy Episode 56 (November 4, 2010)

[We see the wall of a bar with various bottles of alcohol. That Guy rises up from behind the bench, dressed in his familiar outfit with a drink in his left hand and his traditional pipe in his right.]

That Guy: Kwe kwe! [Mohawk for "hello" - ed.] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to "Ask That Guy with the Glasses."

[opening introduction]

Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen): Who framed Roger Rabbit? [spelt "Rodger", likely a viewer error - ed.]

That Guy: (has only the pipe in his hand; he faces screen left and turns to the camera, taking the pipe out of his mouth) That's a very good question, and the answer is: me. I framed him. / Now, I know a lot of you are saying, "Wait a minute! I thought Judge Doom framed him!" / (chuckles) No, no, the fact is: I framed Judge Doom. / I mean, think about it. Did he ever say that he actually killed Marvin Acme? (pauses, briefly looks up and off-screen-right, then back at the camera) I'm pretty sure he didn't! / He just said he killed R.K. Maroon and the brother of that British guy who has a New York accent for some reason. / He was just a harmless, psychotic killing maniac. / But it was I who actually framed Roger Rabbit and want him put away for life! / Why? Have you seen his wife? (looks up and off-screen-left, thinking of Jessica Rabbit; he then looks back at us and stammers) FUCKA! / She's incredible! And she will be mine. / Unfortunately, he seemed to get off scot-free; but don't worry. I have another plan. / They never did find the second JFK assassin over the grassy knoll, did they? / That's right. Roger Rabbit killed Michael Jackson. / He prescibed the medicine that killed him in the end. / And if you think that's far-fetched, just ask yourself: "Can you really not see Michael Jackson seeing a cartoon rabbit as his doctor?" / Nobody can; and therefore, it's fool-proof. / (looks up and screen-right again with eyes fluttering) One day, you will be mine, Jessica. (he still looks in that direction as he slowly raises the pipe's mouthpiece up toward the sky, like he's getting an erection)

Narrator: What is a Lolcat?

That Guy: (chuckles) Well, isn't it obvious? It's LordKaT's brother! / Except instead of video games, he takes pictures of cats and puts annoying captions under them. / (looks up, tapping mouthpiece on his chin) I wouldn't mind so much except that my captions never make it in. / I took a picture of a little kitten inside a paper bag; / and I wrote at the bottom: "9/11 was caused by the Jews." / For some reason, that never seemed to make it in. / Maybe LordKaT can use his mafia ties to get it in. / After all, that IS how I got this very sweet bar. / The mafia. They get you things, and how can that be bad? / Yes.

Narrator: Blood Beard Joe is so awesome that he... (he's cut off from saying the last two words here)

That Guy: Wrong show. Next.

Narrator: What's my dog's favorite color?

That Guy: Well, gee, there's such a WIDE variety to choose from. / There's gray, [NOTE: every time he says this color, it's the same footage repeated] / gray, / gray, / dark gray, / gray, / REALLY dark gray, / sort-of-light gray, / black, white, / gray, / and plaid. / Betcha didn't know your dog could see plaid, did you? / Well, he can also see dead people. / You ever see them looking around and barking at nothing? Yeah, those are the soldiers of Hell. / And they wear plaid. / I get all of my animal facts from Paranormal Activity 2. / And The Muppet Show. / Gooey.

Narrator: How much is that doggie in the window? The one with the waggley tail? [another viewer spelling error]

That Guy: I don't know. You'll have to watch Paranormal Activity 2. / And The Muppet Show. / Gooey. [repeated from last question]

Narrator: Is the Hummel Figurine okay?

That Guy: Oh, yeah. She's fine. That gun shot was just a flesh wound. (looks off to screen left) Isn't that right?

Hummel [you know the deal here; but this time, no demonic choir]: Yeah, (exhales) I'm fine. My babushka still has all your souls and everything. It just... for some reason, it really hurts whenever I say the word, "Ow." OW!! OW!! OW!! (shakes a bit when this happens, still "OW"ing under TG's next line)

That Guy: (still looking off-screen left) You sure you're okay there?

Hummel: (hurriedly) Yeah-yeah-yeah, I just gotta get outta here. OW!! OW!! (moves off-screen left)

That Guy: (with the Hummel still in pain) There. You see? She's fine. So, moving on to our next que- (annoyed by the Hummel's pain, he starts to stammer as he looks off-screen in the Hummel's direction) ...M-moving on to... (is still being interrupted by the Hummel until noted) ...Try and get th- ...Sorry, it's a little, ah, [after a few seconds, with the Hummel still yelling, That Guy is finally fed up. He grabs his gun from the bar counter, cocks it, and fires it at the Hummel off-screen - with obligatory white flash. The yelling stops as does our traditional music. We hear a bugle playing "Taps", which forces TG to do another military salute, like in Episode 54. We then hear the Hummel yell "OW!!" once more; TG quickly fires another shot and, just as quickly, returns to his salute. Hold for a few seconds more; then he returns to jovial mode again as the regular music re-enters:] Next question.

Narrator: What is the most annoying song in the world?

That Guy: (chuckles) I'm glad you asked. It's: (the regular music suddenly stops as he annoyingly shouts:) THIS IS THE MOST ANNOYING SONG IN THE WOOORLD!!! THIS IS THE MOST ANNOYING SONG IN THE WOOORLD!!! (this carries on underneath TG's lines) / Isn't it charming? I could listen to it forever. / And the great thing is: it can be put in SO many different melodies. / Like R and B. / [cut of a caption card saying "R and B" as a Youtube user's R&B-style music plays for four measures... with TG's two "lines" laid over it.] / Techno. / [same as before, but now applying to said genre] / Heavy Metal. / [again, same deal. Note that the tempo is slower than the other two, making TG's yelling more disjointed than in the previous settings] / And many, many more. / In fact, it's so delightful: LET'S have it be the soundtrack for the rest of the episode! / Yes, I think I've made a good decision here! / (looks up and to his left in a gaze of wonderment as the yelling continues) Make me wanna touch myself, it's so beautiful.

Narrator: Why does Sonic know so much about sexual harassment?

That Guy: Because he touched Tails. / Think about it. With a name like Tails, you know he has to be getting some. / Some of this related back to the fact that Sonic was touched when HE was a lad; / but I think he's just a jerk / and should be punished severely. / For example, I think Tails should do HIM! / Now, I know what you're thinking: / "That doesn't sound like that bad a punishment!" Well, you know the little trick that Tails does with his tails? Let's just say, it works on... (holds up two fingers) two appendages. / Wowee-wow-wow-wow! (inhales quickly) It hurts. / And that's punishment enough. / (leans in) For now. (leans back)

Narrator: What do you do under that bar anyway?

That Guy: Swimming. / [now holding both pipe and drink] This is That Guy with the Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it." [winks, takes a drink from his glass, sets it down on the counter, faces the camera, and then rises up a bit before he quickly crouches down behind the bar. We hear the effect of water from someone jumping into a swimming pool. All this time, TG's "singing" from before has conitnued and will do so through the end credits, right up to the very end of the Channel Awesome stinger.]


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