Ask That Guy Episode 55 (October 7, 2010)
[We see the back wall of That Guy's bar. He rises up from behind the bench with a drink in his left hand and his traditional pipe in his right.]
That Guy: Tauntse! [I know this ain't right; someone help! - ed.] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to "Ask That Guy with the Glasses."
Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen): I need a job. Are you hiring?
That Guy (with pipe in right hand and back to screen right, he turns to the camera): That's a very good question, and the answer is: Yes. Yes, I am. / [jump cut] I am looking for my own personal scrotum-washer. / Surprisingly, I haven't gotten any applicants. / Do people believe that it's simply too good a job to be true? / I am paying the astonishing amount of 14 cents per five hours. / Maybe people don't believe that such a job opportunity would come their way. / I've tried every job application site, and none of them seem to be biting. / All except for Craigslist. I haven't tried that one yet. I'm going to try it right now. (he leaves screen-left; after a while, he walks back into position) Now I have twenty. / God bless America. / Because it sneezed. / Yes.
Narrator: I recently killed someone and have decided to make an omelette out of his brain. Can you recommend your favorite brain omelette recipes?
That Guy: Certainly. I would recommend a little bit of basil, / (looking up) cheese, bacon, sauerkraut; / and mix it all together... / with onions. / Oh, and for legal reasons, (waves his hands back and forth and speaks very nonchalantly) "Oh no. Stop. I'm going to call the police. Aah." (stops and smiles again)
Narrator: Who are you?
That Guy: (dramatically) Who am I? I am the terror that flaps in the night. / Wherever there is a fight so that hungry people can eat, I'll be there. / If somebody told you I was just your ordinary kid - not a care in the world, somebody lied. / I am the law! / I am your worst nightmare. / I am the walrus! / (authoritatively points his mouthpiece to the camera) I AM... (holds up his glass) completely drunk. (he takes a drink from his glass) Gooh! (rolls his eyes before looking back at us)
Narrator: If homosexuals can't reproduce, why are there so many of them?
That Guy: (back to right with pipe in mouth and turn) Well, it's sort of like in Aliens, where all the aliens had a queen. / Except in this case, it's sort of a... drag queen, if you will. / And the drag queen gives birth (playfully speaking) to all the little homosexuals. / And then, the homosexual stork picks them up and drops them all over the world... / to mommies and daddies that, well, don't want to see their kids get pregnant. / Now I know what you're thinking. / "Who's sleeping with the drag queen in order to produce all these homosexuals?" / Ford. (cut to a photo of Harrison Ford; back to That Guy) I was surprised, too. (quick shoulder shrug)
Narrator: Duh! Which way did he go, George? Which way did he go?
That Guy: (as music from Of Mice And Men plays in the background, he seriously speaks:) I'll tell you where he went. He went right across that river. (points in front of him) I want you to look at that river. I want you to look really close 'cause I'm gonna describe it so well for you, you are gonna swear that you see it. Gonna have... a farm... with a cow, a pig, some chickens. (slowly reaches for his gun on the table with his left hand) There's gonna be alfalfa... for the rabbits. (cocks the gun) And you're gonna tend the rabbits. Do you see it? Look real hard. (he slowly raises the gun, pointing it at us) Do ya see it? Do ya see it across the river? Do ya see it? Do ya see it?! (he fires the gun and then slowly lowers it, setting it on the table. He grows increasingly distraught, almost on the verge of fainting, while the dramatic music keeps swelling louder. He puts his face in his left hand. Suddenly, the music cuts when he says:) Still can't believe Harrison Ford. That's... that's so weird. (Moonlight Sonata resumes)
Narrator: What was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction?
That Guy: Crack. (beat) Just crack.
Narrator: An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. What's the outcome?
That Guy: Well, the Englishman, who's so incredibly ugly and snobby, / looks at the Irishman, who's so drunk off his ass, / then looks at the Scotsman, who's looking to pick a fight with anybody, / and says... (inhales) "You wanna get a drink?" And they say, "Sure." / (takes a drink from his glass again) And then they sodomize each other.
Narrator: Is this thing on?
That Guy: (he doesn't say anything. Instead, he mimes a series of responses that involve tapping his pipe, air-grabbing someone's breasts while looking aroused, doing some pelvic thrusts, and taking what may be a pretzel from a bag on the counter, putting it in his mouth, and popping it out at the same time he does the "obscene V" gesture. He finishes by silently saying, "Yes.")
Narrator: How do you sleep at night?
That Guy: I don't know. Ask your mother. / (chuckles while he "snaps") Oh, snap.
Narrator: Is that a green screen behind you?
That Guy: (he looks back at the bar and picks up a bottle of Knob Creek Bourbon, opens it, pours a little alky-hol into his empty glass, drinks it, smacks his lips, and says:) Yep. / [holding a drink in his left hand] This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, there's no such thing as a stupid question, until you ask it. [winks, takes a drink from his glass, and squats down beneath the countertop of the bar]
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