53

Ask That Guy Episode 53 (July 15, 2010)

[We see the wall of a bar with various bottles of alcohol. That Guy rises up from behind the bench, dressed in his familiar outfit with a drink in his left hand and his traditional pipe in his right.]

That Guy: Shorah! Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to my brand-new location [briefly shows it off] for "Ask That Guy with the Glasses."

[opening introduction]

Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear as a caption card unless noted): Why did you leave me to die in that explosion?

That Guy (has only the pipe in his hand; his drink is on the table): That's a very good question, and the answer is: "We hurt the ones we love". Thankfully, I don't love you at all. / [jump cut] But I will hurt you anyway. / Cuz I'm just that kind of guy. [no jump cut yet]

Narrator (no caption card): You're very considerate.

That Guy: Yes.

Narrator: What IS Victoria's secret?

That Guy: Well, I thought that was obvious. / To have beautiful women model their underwear... / ...so that other women not nearly as attractive can think they look good in it. / And men, too. / [whispers] I'm wearing a thong. / [again] An edible thong. / [raises his eyebrows with a happy face]

Narrator: If you woke up one morning and found yourself naked in the middle of an African village where the customary greeting is shaking penises and all females braid their pubes, what would you do?

That Guy: Buy a summer home!! [starts dancing to the chorus of The Tokens' "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" - the "ah-wee-ma-weh" vocal part; for the DVD release, the copyrighted sample was replaced with Doug multi-tracked, singing that vocal part]

Narrator: Is it true that the Devil is female?

That Guy: [chuckles] Oh, my, yes. / She also wears a blue dress, / goes dancing in the pale moonlight, / is a DEVIL in the sack, / and hell hath no fury like her scorned. / [looks up] But I just call her "Vanessa"... Vanessa Vaginakill. / [back at the camera] But that's her married name. / Her MAIDEN name is Peniseater. / Don't ask how I know that. [has a worried expression, briefly looks down before looking back up]

Narrator: My girlfriend is into erotic stories, and she sometimes hints she wants to re-enact some of her favorites with me. However, I broke into her erotic stories file and found that they all ended in the castration of the male involved. Should I be concerned?

That Guy: [raspberry] Of course not! [brief laugh] You shouldn't concern yourself with that at all. It's quite common.

Narrator (full question appears; as you can see, he's cut off): If gay people come out of the clo-

That Guy (interrupting): Oh, wait a minute. I mean, RUN, BASTARD, RUN!! GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE!!!!

Narrator: If gay people come out of the closet, then what do lesbians come out of?

That Guy: The pie factory. / Because it's a well-known fact that lesbians love pies. / In fact, I often catch lesbians by setting a pie out in the woods... / ...and putting a cardboard box with a stick on top of it. / Because, as we all know, the only thing lesbians can't resist more than pie is cardboard. / In fact, I've caught many lesbians that way. [looks down under the bar] Isn't that right, ladies? [we hear high-pitched screams of "HEEEELP!" from the "captives"; he then kicks "them"] They're so adorable. / And MINE. [one "lesbian" agonizingly says, "Save me!"; while still looking at the camera, he turns the pipe around in his right hand and knocks 'her' out]

Narrator: Who is your daddy and what does he do?

That Guy: My daddy's my father, and he does my mother. / [leans in] With onions. / [looks up] Wait. No, he's an anti-Onionite. / [leans in] With porcupines. / [gets a small orgasm thinking about it, apparently]

Narrator: Pardon me, sir, but would you have any Grey Poupon?

That Guy: [switches quickly from a happy to a serious face] You have made a powerful enemy today, son. [stares then puts his pipe in his mouth]

Narrator: Can you help me open my eyes? You see, I'm Asian and hate my eyes being shut.

That Guy: [comes in from the left of the screen, quick-clapping his hands and chuckling, picking up his pipe] I'm sorry. I had to shove Grey Poupon up some guy's ass. It came out his ears. What's the question?

Narrator: Can you help me open my eyes? You see, I'm Asian and hate my eyes being shut.

That Guy: Well, have you ever seen the movie About Schmidt? / You know the scene where Kathy Bates takes off her clothers and goes into the hot tub naked? / THAT'LL open your eyes up for ya. / The only problem is that you'll close them just as fast, and they'll probably stay shut forever. / My advice to you would be, "Become white." / We all got big eyes. It's practically crazy! / Crazy because we can see things and YOU can't. / God, it sucks to be Asian. I'm going to pray for you... / ...in that I'm quietly gonna laugh at you in the corner while I touch myself. [smiles for a few seconds, then walks off-screen to his right to do what he said he'd do]

Narrator: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?

That Guy: [comes in from the left of the screen, quick-clapping his hands and chuckling with pipe in hand this time] I'm sorry. I was quietly laughing at you in the corner while touching myself. Yes?

Narrator: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?

That Guy: Yes. You can get me a better movie instead of SHIT!! / [this time, he holds the drink in his left hand] This is That Guy with the Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it." [winks, takes a drink from his glass, faces the camera, and then crouches back down behind the bar]

THE END