And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "50 Shades of Grey."
(wearing a blindfold) OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
...The parts my dominant let me watch!
(turns) Erm, dominant mistress, am I allowed to tell the good people spoilers?
(breathily) You are.
(without blindfold) There's this woman named Anastasia Steele.
Oh, come on, what's her real name?
Come on, that's like saying I'm Cinderella Diamonds.
And she's sent in as a substitute to interview a man named Christian Grey.
And he's like, "I imagine you're not a real journalist."
(mimes writing) "No, I work at a hardware store. I'm just subbing for my roommate."
"Couldn't your roommate have gotten another journalist to sub?"
"Yes, but they wouldn't be as quiet, shy, or inexperienced."
"I find those qualities attractive in you for some reason."
"And I find your lack of any likable identity attractive for some reason."
"I invite you to join me in an elevator shaft that will be used as an obvious metaphor for later."
(mimes doors closing) "Symbolism."
(also mimes doors closing) "Obvious."
So Christian Grey, one of the most photographed and famous millionaires in the world...walks into a hardware store without ever being recognized.
In fact, he walks into a lot of places without being recognized.
He's kinda like an internet celebrity that way. (mimes crying single tear)
And he asks Ana for rope, duct tape, and ties.
Oh, isn't that cute? He's a guy on Tumblr about to ask someone on a date.
But then one night Ana does something that Grey sees as incredibly dangerous.
She gets drunk!
...Dude, if that's dangerous, I must be this guy's Evil Knievel.
And Grey is like, (on phone) "Stay there! I'm gonna bring you to a safe place!"
(also on phone) "Oh yeah? Where's that?"
"A dungeon, where I can tie you up and beat you!"
"Oh, well that sounds-- Wait, what?"
So Grey tells her that he wants her to be his submissive sexercise.
And Ana is like, "I can't agree to do this! I know nothing about you!"
"Well, will you have sex with me even though you know nothing about me?"
"Yeah, okay." (mimes making out while sexy music plays)
But Grey still wants her to indulge his fetish, even though there's about a million other people in the world who would do so willingly.
And Grey is like, "You must sign this non-disclosure agreement that you'll tell nobody we are dating!"
(mimes writing) "Eh, I'm gonna cross out this part that says 'Tell nobody' and replace it with 'Tell everybody, but you will not get angry for some reason.'"
"I think that's fair."
"Wonderful! Now will you love me?"
"I'm sorry. I don't do love."
"What?! Then why didn't you just hire a prostitute or something?"
"Because there's something that draws me to you! Something the writers obviously forgot to put in, but nevertheless it draws me emotionally to you!"
"Even though you just said you don't get emotionally involved."
"Hey, sorry, baby. I'm just not a flowers and candy kinda guy."
"But you do seem to be a helicopter, airplane, and buying me cars kinda guy."
"Those are two totally different things."
"Yeah, one's a lot bigger!"
"Don't question me! I'm complex." (Chester gets close to camera whenever "I'm complex" is said.)
So Grey admits he was a submissive when he was only 15 years old.
And also admits he was born from a woman who was a crack addict.
And invites her to meet his family while he also goes to meet her family...yet does not get emotionally involved.
And Ana is like, "You make no sense whatsoever!"
"Of course I don't! I'm complex."
"Yeah, I think you're confusing 'complex' with 'inconsistent and lazily written.'"
"It's no more inconsistent than you hating my gifts but still taking them!"
"Well, I, uh..."
"And not filling out the paperwork but still being tied up and spanked anyway!"
"Well, I, uh..."
"And no more inconsistent than going into a relationship I clearly said would have no love and yet you constantly trying to get love out of it!"
"What can I say? We spawned from 'Twilight' fanfiction! There's really no direction to go but down."
"Oh, let's just give the horny middle-aged ladies the bondage that they want!"
"Okay!" (mimes spanking and being tied up while sexy music plays)
But Ana still wants to find out more about him.
So she asks him to confess why he likes all this weird ass crap!
And Grey's like, "I can't tell you. It's...too painful!"
"Yeah, I know. You seem to be a guy who's kinda into that."
"But not this time! I'm complex."
"But you confessed to me all that other difficult stuff you never told anyone."
"That was different. At that point I was like (mimes with hand) this level of complex; now I'm at this level of complex. I'm complex."
"Okay. Then show me the pain you feel!"
"Yes, don't hold back. It's clearly the only way!"
"Oh no, I think we clearly established I can tell you. I'm just being stubborn."
"No. I am giving you permission to beat the living crap outta me!"
"You're sure? You are talking to a sadist here."
"Okay. Well, I'm just gonna do what I've always done to you except a lot harder, and I want you to count with me."
"Really? That's it?"
"Yeah, for someone as messed up as I am, you'd think it'd be worse, but eh."
"Alright, you have my full permission to do so! (gets spanked hard) Ow! What are you, crazy?!"
"But you're the one who wanted me to--!"
"You are never to do that again, you monster!"
"Okay, I will clearly not do what you tell me directly to do the next time you directly tell me to do it."
"You're a psychopath! And a fiend! And I love you."
"Say you love me back!"
"Uh, we've gone over this. I'm not gonna say that. Even though I confusedly go back and forth between saying it in everything but word!"
"You should've made it more clear what this relationship was about!"
"What do you want, a written document that has everything spelled out for you? Oh wait, there is!"
"I'm going away, leaving the ending open for sequel books!"
"Well, can you at least join me in the elevator for our lame attempt at bookending the film?"
(mimes doors closing) "This ending..."
(also mimes doors closing) "...makes no sense."
So "50 Shades of Grey" was really (moves close to camera) complex.
Even though we didn't really see 50 shades of grey. It was more two: a jerk and a little less of a jerk.
And a whole generation of women have been introduced to a world of sex they never even knew about.
Now, if you'll excuse me, (puts blindfold on) I have one who's paying me quite well to help her explore her kinky side.
(breathily) Oh, Chester? It's playtime. (A whip crack is heard, making Chester recoil)
This is Chester A. Bum saying BAND-AIDS! Ya got band-aids?! Aw c'mon, these lashes really hurt, man! C'mon, band-aids!
Quiet, submissive! (whips)
Oh! Thank you, miss! May I have another?! (gets whipped) Oh God, I feel so empowered!