Ask That Guy With The Glasses Ep. 50 (5/13/10)

(That Guy looks up from his book)

That Guy: Oh! (makes chimpanzee noises) Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to "Ask That Guy With The Glasses."

(music plays as title card comes up)

Narrator: Oh where, oh where, could my little dog be?

That Guy: That's a very good question. Actually, I have him. And if you want to see him back, you're gonna have to pay handsomely. And I don't mean like a lot of money, I mean look sharp when you pay me the money. A handsome man always gets his puppy back. Unless, of course, you're a woman, in which case, dress like a man. Buy a suit, a fake moustache, I don't care. Just as long as you pay handsomely to get your puppy back. Because I so do love the image of puppy blood spilling on a nice suit. Oops, did I say that out loud? (laughs, then suddenly reverts back to a serious demeanor) Seriously, make with the money or he will die. (smiles, makes a violent gesture across his throat, then smiles again)

Narrator: If watermelons are full of water, what are kumquats full of?

That Guy: Well, now, figure it out. Watermelons are full of water. Water is, obviously, in the name. Therefore there is only one thing that kumquats can be full of...quats. Those little gremlins that lift up your toenails in those annoying foot commercials. (cringes) God, I hate thinking about those. (leans toward camera and raises his eyebrows) With onions. And kumquats.

Narrator: Do you know the muffin man?

That Guy: The muffin man?

Narrator: The muffin man.

That Guy: Do I know the muffin man who lives on Drury Lane?

Narrator: Yes.

That Guy: Nope, never heard of him. ...Twat.

Narrator: If I see you in my dreams, should I consider you a fantasy or a nightmare?

That Guy: Probably both. You see, I start of fulfilling all your sexual desires, but then I grow claws, a hat, and a striped shirt, just like in that movie. Dances With Wolves. And the wonderful thing about having a fantasy/nightmare with me is that you not only have a wet bed, you have a wet dream! Which you'd think would be unbelievably pleasurable. But it's not. You will be in a world of pain. And it's very difficult to clean up. (smiling) So do yourself a favor...don't dream about me. (smile slowly fades into a sneer)

Narrator: If you could fly and shoot LASER-beams out of your eyes, what would you do?

That Guy: Eat pork.

Narrator: Why do you close your eyes when we make love?

That Guy: Oh, we're gonna talk about this again!

(That Guy and the Narrator begin arguing over top of each other)

That Guy: (over the Narrator) What, do you think that I don't love you and that I'm thinking of someone else? Is that the idea? I mean, what, you never close your eyes when we're making love? I-is that it? I mean, how do you think I feel about you? How do you think I feel about you?

Narrator: (over That Guy) Well I don't understand! I mean, for crying out loud, when we're together I'm right in front of you, I look beautiful, you know I look beautiful, and you're not gonna even take the time to look at me? Look at what's in front of you, the goddess that stands before you?!

That Guy: You know what? Fine. I'm leaving. (walks out of frame)

Narrator: Wait! Wait! I'm sorry! (starts sobbing)

That Guy: (walking back into frame) Oh, I can't stay mad at you. I love you so much.

Narrator: (crying) I love you too.

That Guy: Let's fuck.

Narrator: Uh, w-we got the show to do, we gotta answer the questions...

That Guy: Oh, oh, right, right. (assumes his usual pose and smiles)

Narrator: Why doesn't the glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

That Guy: Because Jesus said not to. And the glue is like, "Oh shit, that's Jesus! We have to obey! Or he'll turn us into...yaks, or something." And they all lived happily ever after. (leans toward camera) With onions. (nods) Yes.

Narrator: I have been using axe products for well over five years, and I have hever had any hot half naked women chasing me. Is this due to false advertising or am I just too unattractive for axe to work for me?

That Guy: (chuckles) Oh, my good fellow. That was simply a commercial. As we all know, sex sells, and if you a show a product with half-naked women running after a guy, guys are gonna think that's gonna happen to them. When in actuality, it's just an exaggeration to help these people sell their products. So don't take them too literally, because commercials quite often exaggerate things a lot. That, and you are ugly as a dog. Get a haircut, or shoot yourself. That way people can say, "Why is he so ugly? Oh, he shot himself. That explains it." That, and you'll be really in with the necrophiliacs. I should know. I'm not only the president, but I'm also a member. (stops smiling) Oh my God, I'm a horrible person. (stares off-screen for a few seconds, then smiles and puts his pipe in his mouth)

Narrator: How come you can't taste your own tongue?

That Guy: Oh, but you can! Simply get a little bit of DNA from your tongue, clone it, put it in a sandwich, and then take a bite of it! That way you'll be tasting your own tongue. Then realize that you've spent thousands of dollars cloning your own tongue when you could have used it to save hundreds of starving children. They could have eaten that tongue. (leans toward camera) With kumquats. (nods) Yes.

Narrator: Have you ever put on a full body condom and ridden a motorcycle in a giant cage ball around an incredibly fat woman while she wears only lime Jello?

That Guy: (scoffs) Who hasn't? This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until you ask it." (winks, puts his pipe in his mouth, and starts reading his book again)

Narrator: (after several seconds) Let's fuck.

That Guy: Okay. (slams book shut)

(ending screen shows)

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