Ask That Guy Episode 43 (Dec. 5, 2009)

[Ask That Guy is in his usual location, doing his usual introduction, except he's wearing a Santa hat.]

That Guy: Oh! Koali! [Bremnian for "Hello" - ed.] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to "Ask That Guy With The Glasses."

[opening introduction]

That Guy: Well, I asked you to ask me questions about holidays in December; and you didn't disappoint. So let's get to our first question.

Narrator (always offscreen): How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck December?

That Guy: [sneers at the camera for a few seconds and then says...] Really? That's your big December question? / [jump cut] I mean, you really think that counts? You think, if you ask any other ordinary question, you just add the words "in December" at the end that somehow it's going to count! / [pointing his mouthpiece at the camera] It does not, my friend! It does not! / What a way to start off these December episodes! [in mocking voice, faking typing] How much wood could a woodchuck chuck in December? [gets frustrated and says through his teeth...] Fuck you! / Fuck you! / [with his back to the camera, turns around and just as quickly turns back] Fuck you! / [drawn out, close-up] Fuck yoooouuu! / Alright, well, I guess you're expecting an answer then... [pauses] a lot! / There! Not very funny, was it?/ Nope! / [mouthpiece at camera again] But that's what you get for being a holly, jolly prick! / In fact, THERE'S a question for you: "How many pricks could one prick prick if one prick could prick pricks?" / The answer? I don't know. Why don't you ask the prick that asked the woodchuck question? / [now starting to loudly cry] You've ruined my Christmas! Everything is gone now! / [briefly with his hands over his face] Why? Why did you have to ask that stupid-ass question?! / I'm just trying to give you some good cheer this holiday season, and you've FUCKED IT UP!!! / [looks up] God, kill me!! God, kill me right no-o-o-ow!!! [sobs] / [points at the camera] I'll kill you! I'll kill you right now!!!! [lunges at the camera; screen goes to the color bars test pattern for a few seconds; back to That Guy] I apologize for that little outburst I had earlier. Just know that the problem has been dealt with. / I recently hired some people to hunt down the person who asked that question, and they... [sighs] How do I put this? Killed him and impaled him on a spike. / Yes, I think that was a very good way of putting that. / Ho-ho-ho! [smiles; raises his eyelids menacingly for a second before going back to normal]

Narrator: Is it me or do the Clauses have a midget fetish?

That Guy: Please, don't call them "midgets"; that word is not PC anymore. Call them "elves." / [leans in] And yes, they have an unbelievable fetish for them. / I should know. I visited them last week! / And they do all sorts of speakable things to them [probably meant "unspeakable" - ed.], sit on them. / Use them as furniture. / One unfortunate elf was used as a toilet last week. / I called him "Larry," which made him seem much more human and less like an object. / Which, of course, made it all the more humorous. / Seriously, though, call 911. [pause; whispers] Do it! [raises his eyebrows]

Narrator: What does Santa Claus have to do with Christmas? Surely this is a celebration of Jesus.

That Guy: [chuckles] Well, of course it is; everybody knows that! / But what many people don't know is that Santa actually helped give birth to Jesus. / You see, the Archangel came down to the Virgin Mary and told her that she was going to have an immaculate conception. / That, of course, was bullcrap; Santa raped her! / You know how he's so good at sneaking into houses and never getting caught? / Well, what do you think he does while he's in the houses? / Just eat milk and cookies? [chuckles] You naive idiot. / He's a RAPIST and an unbelievable one at that! / So he broke into Mary's home, / [briefly demonstrating] did her Santa-style, / and thus gave birth to our Lord and Savior. / That's why he's known as The Son of Claus. / Now, I KNOW what you're thinking: If Jesus is The Son of Claus, where did Santa come from? / The cabbage patch. [scoffs]

Narrator: Have you been naughty or nice?

That Guy: I've been [in deep effected voice] naaaaauuuuugggghhhhttttyyy! [erotic music plays as That Guy mugs for the camera; we then see a montage of him rubbing himself "suggestively", licking and sucking his pipe "suggestively", licking his teeth "suggestively", and then chewing on his pipe until he abruptly stops, swishes his mouth, wonders what he tastes, spits off-camera to screen right, and then looks weirdly back at the pipe.]

Narrator: On the 12 days of Christmas, what did your true love give to you?

That Guy: Well, I'll tell you. [he dons a top hat that knocks the Santa hat off his head and grabs a wooden cane, all while the opening instrumental passage to "The 12 Days of Christmas" plays; it abruptly ends when he says...] Nothing. / [Santa hat returns] Ungrateful bitch. [sneers]

Narrator: Can a driedel be made out of something other than clay?

That Guy: Yes. It can be made out of elves. / And why haven't you called 911 yet?

Narrator: What did YOU ask Santa for Christmas?

That Guy: [chuckle] Well, I asked what I always ask for Christmas: good will toward men. [pause] But NOT women. / Those whores can suck it. / They think just because they give birth to us that they deserve equal rights? [brief laugh] Fuck them. / They don't even have penises. [scoffs] The nerve! / When I was younger, I always thought one was going to grow out of there... It never did! / Well, except that one time, but she was a freak. / [looks up, reminiscing] A freak that I will love forever. [smiles, pauses and looks back at the camera] I love women. [a longer pause until he quietly clicks his tongue]

Narrator: This December, I'm planning to commit suicide; but, since Christmas is coming, I'd like my suicide to be in the spirit and cheer of the holiday: So my question is: what are the best Christmas themed suicides I can commit?

That Guy: There's PLENTY you can choose from: / Decapitation by candy cane. / Have Santa sit on YOUR lap. / Have someone throw a snowball at you with a grenade inside. / "The Nutcracker." I think that's self-explanatory. / And, of course, sodomized by a reindeer. / Now I know you may think that won't kill you in the long run; but, after you get it in your head that you've been sodomized by a reindeer, you won't be alive for long. / Incidentally, Rudolph's nose is NOT the only thing that glows. [pause] I'm going to hell.

Narrator: Eggnog as a sexual lubricant: yay or nay?

That Guy: I don't know. Let me try it. [holds up a bottle of nog and walks off-screen to the right. We then hear him and a "female" (Doug, of course - ed.) having sex with said item. We hear some "Oh, yay"s as they progressively get closer towards the end. Some "harder, harder"s thrown in too, among other things. Eventually the "couple" reaches their orgasm as their screams of "passion" finally subside.] / [back on screen with his glasses just about to fall off his face] Nah.

Narrator: If you could make up your own December holiday, what would it be?

That Guy. Kwanzaa. / This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it." [winks and goes back to reading his book]


Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.