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400th Episode (Marvel Super Special #7: Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band)

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Released
May 30, 2016
Running time
35:23
Previous review
Comic Book Quickies 6
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Superman vs. the Amazing Spider-Man
Tagline
The 400th episode is here! This time, let's have some fun...
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(Open on Linkara standing against a black screen as he sings to the tune of the Beatles' "A Day In the Life")

Linkara: (singing)

I read this book today, oh, boy,
Adapted from an awful musical
And though the film was rather bad,
Well, I just had to laugh,
A fitting epitaph
But then a comic came to be
George Perez handled all the art, you see
But when the film became a bomb,
Not to be published here,
Because the book was late and 'cause the film reduced us all to tears
The book was printed, though, indeed,
In French and Dutch and maybe Japanese
Rock opera turned to printed page
Well, I just have to look
At this comic book,
And now its translating...

(spoken) In 1977, producer Robert Stigwood sought to adapt a stage play of Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band into a film musical. Despite an incredible soundtrack of Beatles songs redone by the Bee Gees, Peter Frampton, and a host of other musical talent, it was a box office bomb, yet was still adapted into an issue of the comic series, "Marvel Super Special".

(singing again to shots of his show)

Welcome to the show,
400th episode,
Instead of Sonic or devil deals,
Or racist spiels, we're doing something fun,
I'm in my coat, in my hat,
Made a bunch of Cybermats
Done the show so long, and here I am,
Singing to that cam, time to dig into this thing

The book was a nightmare to work on, with no support from the studio and a script that changed every day. It ran late, not that it mattered anyway, because the movie tanked so hard that it was decided to not release it in America. Strangely, instead of making the next Super Special, an adaptation of the pilot episode of Battlestar Galactica into issue 7, the numbering persisted, and so in America, it jumps from issue 6 to issue 8. But yes, this book was in fact published in non-English-speaking countries.

Music in comic books, oh, boy
Four thousand books like this, they never learn
No sound and plot holes big or small,
I couldn't count them all
Now let's dig into this book and see just how they dropped the ball,
Because it's translating...

Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. This is the 400th episode. Let's dig into "Marvel Super Special #7: Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band"!

(The song reaches its climax and finishes. The AT4W title sequence plays, and the title card has the finale version of the title song playing in the background. Cut to Douwe Egbert (possibly related to the coffee brand of the same name) playing the opening bars of "Come Together" on an acoustic guitar)

Egbert: Hello, I'm George Burns. (beat) Just roll with it. I'm here to serve as your narrator through the events of Atop the Fourth Wall's 400th episode. You see, given the source material, Linkara decided he needed to do this as a rock opera, so he'll be singing all his lines. You'll need me to navigate you through the jokes properly.

(He is interrupted, however, as, from off-screen, someone reaches into the frame and hands Douwe a piece of paper, which he looks at briefly)

Egbert: It seems Linkara couldn't afford the budget to do the whole episode singing, so there will be musical moments throughout the review. I am, therefore, superfluous. But I still get paid, so either way, I win. Our story begins on a familiar futon, where everyone was wondering just how Linkara would open the episode...

(Dissolve to Linkara on his futon)

Linkara: Four hundred episodes. Eight years. And with such a long time between the start of this show and this current point, it's easy to forget our roots. Most of the reviewers who started around the same time I did were inspired by the Angry Video Game Nerd. And so, in his honor, I must ask this: WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?

(Cut to the cover for the "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band" comic.)

Linkara (v/o): So we've got an album of songs by the Beatles, turned into a musical, turned into a movie, turned into a friggin' comic book!

Linkara: You know, at least when they adapted Street Fighter: The Movie into a comic book, the transformation from source material to end product involved some similar elements. We've gone from an auditory medium to one completely bereft of audio!

Linkara (v/o): It's totally understandable why this thing ended up being a disaster on almost every level. How did nobody at Marvel realize what a mistake this would be? They were knee-deep in this before anyone stopped and said, "Oh, God, what are we even doing?" But what's more baffling is that despite all that work and money they already spent on it, they decided not to release it in the U.S.A.!

Linkara: I mean, you did the work already. Sure, it wasn't going to make that much money, but you could've serialized it as a backup story for other "Marvel Super Special" issues, or even released it as a double feature with something else. There were other solutions than (makes "air quotes") "Hope nobody notices there is no issue 7!"

(Cut to a shot of the infamous "Batman: Fortunate Son", showing the even more infamous Izaak Crowe playing a guitar)

Linkara (v/o): The great thing about doing this as the 400th episode is that it covers two topics we've talked about at length in this show, combined together to highlight the follies of each: the aforementioned singing and music part in a comic...

(Cut to a shot of the cover of "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie #1")

Linkara (v/o): ...plus a movie adaptation! But then we have a whole new problem on top of those.

(Cut to footage of the Sgt. Pepper film)

Linkara (v/o): It's a movie where 90% of the dialogue isn't dialogue! It's song lyrics! Song lyrics that don't necessarily match up with what's happening in this story because they were written under entirely different circumstances and context.

Linkara: And one song, "Come Together" is, by John Lennon's own words, gobbledygook! As in, it's utter nonsense! And thus, I must ask that question that started this: WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?!

(Cut to a shot of a Superman comic by George Perez)

Linkara (v/o): While this was still early in George Perez's career, he was the best pic for a project like this, since he's one of those artists who works best when he's dealing with a cast of hundreds, with great, dynamic action scenes, distinctive characters, and awesome facial expressions.

(Now cut to shots of a Beatles comic, also by Perez)

Linkara (v/o): He had already done "Marvel Super Special #4", which was a biography about the Beatles, where he emphasized design and imagery to try and talk about the Beatles' music, since of course they couldn't actually put any music in the thing. Doing the Beatles comic is what landed him the "Sgt. Pepper" adaptation, but according to an interview, the book was a disaster from start to finish.

(Now cut to more footage of the Sgt. Pepper movie)

Linkara (v/o): They got no assistance from the Robert Stigwood company, and the movie script was still being changed during filming. So elements from the comic were getting dropped or when new stuff was being added. He even said that he was happy it never got released in English.

Linkara: Fortunately for me, one of my wonderful fans took up the task and not only translated it, but altered the artwork of the scans to be in English, so the majority of you out there can follow what's happening. Thanks, Sheila!

(Cut to the "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" album cover)

Linkara (v/o): "Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band" was an album conceived up by Paul McCartney. The idea was that the album would be as if it had been made by a fictional band going by that name. This would allow the songs to be highly experimental with shifting tones, as well as new sound work and types of instrumentation utilized in it. It was definitely something the band needed, thanks to the exhaustive tour schedule they had been going through.

(Cut to another clip of the movie)

Linkara (v/o): Blasphemous as it is to say, though, I actually prefer the movie versions of these songs to the original Beatles ones. As said, they were experimental, and as a result, they sound experimental, like a rough draft or something. Some of them are still great, of course, but I just feel that for some, the Bee Gees perfected them.

Linkara: Then again, what the hell do I know? Four hundred episodes, and I'm still never gonna be as popular as the Bee Gees. (holds up today's comic) So let's finally read this sucker, and see how the hell they pulled this off!

(Cut to a closeup of the cover)

Linkara (v/o): The cover is... bizarre. It's a photo cover, combining various bits of promotional artwork in one image, but the problem is that that means we have multiple copies of the titular band appearing on it, even in the same outfits. Hell, they actually copied and pasted the shot of them with their arms outstretched from the middle into the lower-right of the page. And here we see George Burns applauding the clones while he's sitting inside of a cheeseburger, like he was some bizarre fast food-themed Davros. And can I just ask? What the hell is going on with the shots of Barry Gibb? Up top, he's okay, but in the middle shots, he looks like his head has been squished a bit. How could they do that to him?!

(Cut to a random clip of Gibb on Saturday Night Live)

Gibb: (jumping up from his seat) I'm Barry effing Gibb!

(Cut back to the comic's cover)

Linkara (v/o): (voiceover) Welcome to Sgt. Pepper and his Lonely Hearts Clone Saga! Look, there's even an oversized George Burns terrorizing the people down there!

(The comic opens to the first page)

Linkara (v/o): We open with George Burns narrating to us.

Mr. Kite: (narrating) Bombs! Guns! Death at any moment!

Linkara: Ah, Black Friday at Walmart.

Mr. Kite: (narrating) Destruction everywhere.

Linkara: Never mind, it's Warner Bros.' corporate headquarters after the release of Batman v Superman.

Mr. Kite: IT'S WORLD WAR ONE.

Linkara: George Burns is Rod Serling in The Twilight Zone: The Untold Story.

Mr. Kite: (narrating) And yet, in the midst of the battle's deafening chaos, a joyful music emerges.

(Cut to a clip of Olivia Newton-John performing the title song in Xanadu, then cut back to the comic)

Mr. Kite: (narrating) And even the German soldiers stop... to listen to... SGT. PEPPER!

Linkara: (as Mr. Kite) Not realizing that Sgt. Pepper was known to lull his enemies into a state of euphoria with his music before a platoon then mowed them down.

Mr. Kite: You'll never believe what happens next.

Linkara: (frustrated) Oh, great, even comics from the '70s had clickbait!

Mr. Kite: (narrating) A magical melody fills their hearts with peace... and happiness. Suddenly, all combative thoughts vanish... as the soldiers head towards the sound of the drum... to march along with the orchestra, the Lonely Hearts Club Band!

Linkara: So basically, Sgt. Pepper was a Pied Piper-style supervillain who took over the world with mind control.

Linkara (v/o): May I ask what may be a dumb question? Why is it called the Lonely Hearts Club Band? Lonely hearts are basically singles hoping to find a date. While trying to look up info about this, it was suggested that the entire album itself was about alienation and loneliness; "all the lonely people," as it were, that the band was the spokesband for such a club. Well, if that's the case, why the hell are they all so damn jovial about it? Does that mean they're uniting the world in sorrow? And if all that is true about the name, does that mean that Sgt. Pepper was the original emo band?

Linkara: "Crawling In My Skin"? Bah! Get yourself some (makes "air quotes") "For the Benefit of Mr. Kite", dang it!

Mr. Kite: (narrating) It's not surprising that for having produced such a miraculous music, above and beyond the call of duty... the U.S. Government provided Sgt. Pepper with the highest distinction... the Purple Staff.

Linkara: An imaginary medal for an imaginary band.

Linkara (v/o): And really, you ended World War I with this band, and yet all you get was a friggin' medal? I mean, can't we give them anything else?

(Cut to a short clip from The Price is Right)

Drew Carey: A new car!

(Back to the comic again)

Linkara (v/o): It's a start, but I don't know. Maybe the Purple Staff grants you tax immunity or something.

Mr. Kite: Believe me, my friends... everyone loved the famous sergeant's music... and listened to it.

Linkara: (as Mr. Kite) Everybody was pirating it!

Mr. Kite: (narrating) During the Roaring Twenties... the band was playing... and all the young ladies were dancing the Charleston wildly.

Linkara (v/o): Well, some of them were dancing the Charleston; others were apparently doing the can-can.

Mr. Kite: (narrating) Through the Great Depression... the band was playing... and people were dancing their troubles away.

Linkara: People were starving on the street, tuberculosis was rampant, but who cares? We get to dance to a jaunty tune!

Linkara (v/o): Geez, I knew the Great Depression was bad, but I didn't realize women had to sell their bras and panties. Or maybe this is just the Great Depression at a nudist colony.

Mr. Kite: (narrating) During the economic recovery... the band was playing... and couples were gracefully waltzing around.

Linkara: (as Mr. Kite) But then they decided they actually liked being naked in barrels more.

Mr. Kite: (narrating) Even during World War I... the band was playing still...

Linkara (v/o): You sure about that? Because it looks like they exploded in this panel.

Linkara: And I've gotta agree with the Cinema Snob's review of the film. Was this how the concentration camps were liberated?! Oh, speaking of, (puts comic down) I should probably contact him since, you know, reviewer dibs and all.

(Linkara presses a button on a remote, and we cut through TV static to Brad Jones, AKA the Cinema Snob, wrapped in a blanket)

Brad: I have existed since the morning of the world, and I shall exist until the last star falls from the night! Although I have taken the form of Gaius Caligula–

Linkara: Sgt. Pepper comic!

Brad: Oh. When the hell are you gonna do the "Caligula" comic?!

(Cut back to the comic)

Linkara (v/o): Anyway, the band continues to play for another forty years. Alhough, I've gotta say, for being such a war-stopping band, the fact that they have to keep stopping world conflict shows that they're not particularly effective at it. In the town of Heartland, a celebration is held to honor Sgt. Pepper, including a commemorative statue, or rather, as Mr. Kite points out, a Sgt. Pepper weather vane.

Mr. Kite: It shall always point the way to happiness.

Linkara: (as Mr. Kite) Strangely, it keeps pointing at the liquor stores.

Linkara (v/o): Unfortunately, when the aged Sergeant Pepper raises his trumpet to play, he has a heart attack.

Mr. Kite: (narrating) But then... suddenly... the music... faltered... weakened... and died!

Linkara: (singing) So bye-bye, Mr. American Guy...

Linkara (v/o): In his will, Sgt. Pepper left his daughter's family all his property, save for the magical instruments, which were donated to Heartland itself and stored at the city hall... where there are actual statues of the band instead of just the lame weather vane. Admittedly, probably waxwork dummies, but still better-looking. Admittedly, though, if I got a statue, I think I'd want it to actually look like me in my prime, and not how I looked right before a fatal heart attack.

Mr. Kite: These instruments have the power to make dreams come true.

Linkara: (as Mr. Kite) And they're all mine! All hail Emperor Kite!

Mr. Kite: (narrating) But they must never leave Heartland, because without them, our days would be miserable.

Linkara: (as Mr. Kite) Let's face it, there's not a lot goin' on in this town without 'em.

Mr. Kite: (narrating) Others would have the power. Others could have anything they want.

Linkara: (as one person) Hey, I'd like to use these all-powerful, dream fulfilling instruments to cure diseases and make people's lives better. (as another person) No, I'm sorry. If you did that, some Podunk town will be kinda bummed.

Linkara (v/o): Sgt. Pepper apparently also left his fakey medal with his other grandson, Billy Shears, even apparently leaving instructions for him to start a new band. Considering the last band ended two World Wars, you gotta love how it's now up to this kid, who may not want this life, to now create a new version of it. Not to say it shouldn't happen, just that maybe you should get his input before thrusting the responsibility on him. But of course, he did indeed to form it, so I look forward to Billy Shears and his Lonely Hearts Club Band putting an end to the Vietnam War and then deal with Saddam Hussein. Mr. Kite is dragging out the waxwork statues since Billy's new band will be ready to play once they see the exhibit. And... yeah, I guess we decided to let the single old guy drag out the massive statue instead of, like, hire people to help for this momentous day. Billy's brother, Dougie, who serves as the band's manager, introduces the new band to the super white town of Heartland.

Dougie: A few years ago... four boys got together... and formed a new band, as Sgt. Pepper's legacy. Today they will sing for us a legendary piece.

Linkara: (singing) Night fever, night fever, we know how to do it...

Linkara (v/o): No, of course, they sing the title song. I'll give this comic credit: unlike stuff like "Nightcat" or "Batman: Fortunate Son", since they're just singing Beatles songs and because this is an adaptation of a film musical, we actually know what the songs sound like. At least I do. See, the other problem with doing this comic is that it was made for 1979, which requires the reader to actually have a copy of the soundtrack or to have seen the movie to know what these versions of the songs sound like. But if you have the soundtrack, why are you reading the abridged version of the lyrics instead of just listening to it? But anyway, yeah, Billy starts singing

Billy: What would you think if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?

Linkara: Not for that, but I think I would for the huge "Billy" you have emblazoned on your overalls. Why do you need a nametag?

Linkara (v/o): Hell, all the band members have those. Even Dougie has one on his hat. Why?

Mr. Kite: (narrating) Never since the original Sgt. Pepper stopped playing did children, young people... and elders... feel so happy altogether.

Linkara: (as Mr. Kite) Although there was that one time we all became obsessed with the Beach Boys, but we don't talk about that.

Linkara (v/o): (voiceover) We're then introduced to Strawberry Fields – yes, seriously – as she's helping an old lady from the Heartland Retirement Home get a closer view of the band.

Mr. Kite: (narrating) The old lady bobs her head joyfully. She's under the charm.

Linkara: (as Mr. Kite) She, too, has had her free will stripped from her and joined the hive mind.

Linkara (v/o): Something changed from the movie to the comic is that in the movie, Billy was already talking to Strawberry Fields before he went on stage, whereas here he's singing about love at first sight and then spots her in the crowd.

Mr. Kite: (narrating) Dougie also notices the young woman. But she shows no interest in him. Dougie is astounded. He hates being rejected.

Linkara: Dougie proceeds to write several slur- and expletive-filled essays about how feminism is evil and has caused women to reject his manly bowler hat.

Mr. Kite: (narrating) For Strawberry, this song has become a personal expression of the affection Billy has for her.

Linkara: (as Mr. Kite) She is instantly creeped out by this and files a restraining order.

Linkara (v/o): With the end of a successful concert, a telegram suddenly arrives for the group. They read it and... GOOD GOD, THIS ARTWORK! Just look at the Bee Gees' mouths hanging open! Look at their cold, dead eyes!

Linkara: (sitting in a fetal position) Can't sleep... Bee Gees will eat me...

Linkara (v/o): So, what was the telegram?

Bob: "The world's biggest record company just found out that your music is fantastic."

Mark: News travels fast.

Linkara: No kidding, considering you (holds up index finger) don't have an album yet, (holds up two fingers) nor did you send any music to this record company, (holds up three fingers) and better still, (becomes frustrated) YOUR GROUP JUST PREMIERED FIVE MINUTES AGO!

Linkara (v/o): But yeah, the company wants a tape of their songs.

Mr. Kite: (narrating) Never before did something like this happen to someone from Heartland.

Linkara: (as Mr. Kite) I mean, sure, the original Sgt. Pepper ended wars, but getting a record deal? (points to camera) Now that's impressive!

Linkara (v/o): By the by, one side of the script constantly changing is that the narration specifically calls out that Strawberry's parents disapprove of the new version of the band. It is a plot point that goes absolutely nowhere and is never mentioned again, nor does it even match up with the movie, where her parents are just as excited about them as everybody else. After Billy and Strawberry make out onstage in celebration, the fair they're performing at draws to a close and Mr. Kite starts singing "I'm Fixing a Hole"... for no particular reason, other than the fact that it was on the album.

Narrator: M. Kite thinks he's at home here... and he's right.

Linkara (v/o): Wait, I thought Mr. Kite was the narrator! Anyway, the band records their tape in the most logical of recording venues, a barn.

Billy: It's getting better all the time!

Linkara: Well, your sound quality isn't.

Linkara (v/o): Although, maybe this is just a rehearsal. I'm not seeing any recording equipment, aside from the microphones. What really sucks is that they had to shove out Lapis and Peridot to do this crap. Strawberry Fields is with them, but we soon see that she is being spied on by a nearby RV. Inside of the RV is mean Mr. Mustard, who has his own robot servants to serve him hot dogs.

Mr. Mustard: Martha, you didn't put enough mustard on these weiners.

Linkara: Batman almost stopped Mr. Mustard's evil plans, but then he mentioned that his robot was named Martha and he had to let him go.

Linkara (v/o): Mr. Mustard soon gets a message from something called F.V.B.

F.V.B.: We hate love. We hate joy. We love money.

Linkara: The R.I.A.A. became more likeable once they stripped away the pretense.

Linkara (v/o): We cut over to B.D. Records' headquarters, which are two giant, pyramid-shaped buildings in the middle of Los Angeles with Magic 8-Balls on top of them.

Linkara: Well, I gotta give the comic this: it's got balls.

Linkara (v/o): B.D. Brockhurst, in the movie played by the late, great Donald Pleasence, is listening to the band's sample tape, alongside a group of fawning women, identified in the narration as Lucy and Her Diamonds. Yeah, yeah, cute and all, but I'm more confused about the presence of the little pig statue with "B.D." written on it. The hell's up with that? Anyway, B.D. Brockhurst is trying to decide if he should sign them up. After all, the Village People are gonna be releasing "Can't Stop the Music" soon, and that's gonna get their careers going again! Then again, I'm sure B.D. will appreciate the music. After all...

(Cut to a clip of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 gang watching The Pumaman)

Tom Servo: (as a character in the movie) My name is Pleasance and I am funky.

(Back to the comic again)

Mr. Kite: (narrating) Lucy lustfully licks her lips.

Linkara: (as Lucy) I'm going to eat this photograph.

Mr. Kite: (narrating) B.D. agrees. They will become the greatest band in history.

Linkara: (as B.D.) And I shall call them "The Dave Matthews Band"!

Mr. Kite: (narrating) And they will be his.

Linkara: (as Mr. Kite) Provided someone doesn't snipe him on the auction.

Linkara (v/o): The telegram informing the group of their acceptance is sent out.

Mr. Kite: (narrating) And delivered by... who else... the world's oldest Western Union messenger.

Linkara: (as Mr. Kite) Who arrived three months later because he took a rowboat to the town, got lost along the way, and had to forage on animals in the woods because he never learned how to drive the damn delivery truck.

Linkara (v/o): The telegram arrives, saying the band needs to be in L.A. tomorrow. Billy and Strawberry say their farewells that night, presumably just holding hands, because Heartland is as innocent and squeaky-clean as you can get without scrubbing so hard you remove the paint, but their potential romantic interlude is, of course, being observed by Mean Mr. Mustard to make this as creepy as possible. The morning comes, as does the sun, allowing Strawberry to sing again. Yeah, if it wasn't clear by now, they actually included songs from "Abbey Road" as well as the original album, yet didn't put in two songs from "Sgt. Pepper": "Within You, Without You" and "Lovely Rita". And fair enough on "Within You, Without You", given the nature of the song and how it's all metaphysical and crap, but why the hell did you leave out a love song about a specific woman named Rita that could've easily been written into the movie for Sandy Farina? I'll get more into this a bit later, but needless to say, it's just an odd choice to leave out.

(Cut to a clip of the movie, which Linkara describes)

Linkara (v/o): Another change from the movie is that, instead of the band flying by hot air balloon until a plane collides into them to transport them to L.A...

(Cut back to the comic)

Linkara (v/o): ...they just fly out on said plane.

Mr. Kite: (narrating) There's no sadness in this parting of ways. Only joy. Because the boys are going to be famous... and it's all right.

Linkara: (as Mr. Kite) They are gonna have so many groupies, plus hookers and blow, and it's all right.

Mr. Kite: (narrating) But is it real? Los Angeles' foggy, noisy and luxurious commercial landscape unfolds before them. Everything seems so different and revolting to the freshly out of Hearland boys.

Linkara: (as Mr. Kite) Which you can really see, what with this picture of an airplane landing.

Linkara (v/o): However, the boys are soon pacified by the arrival of B.D. Brockhurst in a platinum, open-top limousine. The driver of the limousine is in fact Lucy herself.

Linkara: (incredulously) Geez, you make your singer also act as your chauffeur, B.D.? I don't know if you're worse than Sony or just as bad as them.

Linkara (v/o): And knowing that, I'm guessing he's actually here to make the band polish the limo.

B.D.: Hop in, kids. We have a lot of stuff to cover. No time to waste!

(Cut to a clip of the MST3K gang watching Are You Ready For Marriage?)

Servo: Lesson mobile away!

(Back to the comic again)

Linkara (v/o): As the boys are impressed with the bright lights, big city of the town, B.D. pulls out the contracts to try to get them to sign right away. Dougie, being a greedy idiot, signs it, but Billy and the Bee Gees are uncertain. Lucy decides to use her "siren song" to lure him into the contract, so she sings, "I Want You So Bad". Fortunately, unlike the movie, Donald Pleasance does not also start singing it, since that would kind of break the spell. A group of motorcyclists soon drive up around the limo.

Mr. Kite: (narrating) They are being escorted in style by Lucy's Diamonds.

Linkara: Nah, those are clearly Lucy's Cubic Zirconias.

Mr. Kite: (narrating) And Lucy herself?

Linkara (v/o): Why is that being said over an image of one of the motorcyclists? Is she meant to be a double of Lucy? Holy crap, maybe there is some kind of Clone Saga going on in this book!

Diamond: But how can that be?

Linkara: For she is the Kwisatz Haderach!

Mr. Kite: (narrating) And so, they enter the city... to discover decadence.

Linkara (v/o): Yes, the pure decadence of... people walking around on the streets. Well, okay, there is this naked woman poster that somehow made it past the censors.

Linkara: Well, actually, I know exactly how it made it past the censors. (points to camera) That's really Donald Pleasance.

Linkara (v/o): We soon see a montage of what I presume are The Diamonds, or at least a bunch of women in bikinis, making out with the band and getting them to sign their contracts. With the band being overwhelmed by the groupies, B.D. thinks to himself how advantageous this will be to him.

B.D.: I'm gonna make millions with these guys.

Linkara: And you know what? I'm okay with that. Dr. Loomis deserves to retire in comfort after all the crap he's been through.

Linkara (v/o): The band's first album is a success, and I just realized that the pig thing from B.D.'s office might be intended to be a bulldog, given the "B.D." abbreviation. But yeah, a nationwide tour soon follows, Dougie earns a lot of money, and all the shows are sold out.

Linkara: However, controversy would soon erupt when they signed a tie-in deal to Nabisco, upsetting the Keebler company after declaring, "We're bigger than Cheezits!"

Linkara (v/o):' Back in Heartland, Mean Mr. Mustard and his assistant, Brute, have broken into the town hall and are stealing the magical musical instruments... which, despite, the fact that they can make anyone's dreams come true, they have about as effective as security protecting them as a note left on an open cardboard box in the street with thousands of dollars inside of it reads, "Please do not steal". Mr. Mustard plans to send three of the instruments off to his cohorts and keep one for himself.

Mr. Kite: (thinking) Such a dirty old man.

Linkara: Okay, we know that because he was perving on Strawberry Fields earlier, but how the hell does Mr. Kite know that? How up to date is he on the seamy underbelly of Heartland?

Linkara (v/o): Mr. Mustard declares that he will become Heartland's king... and somehow accomplishes this, both in the movie and in the comic. You can't even say he used the instruments to do it because as soon as he stole the instruments, he shipped them off! Somehow he just gains control of the town from Mr. Kite! Is there an election? Did the town owe Mr. Mustard a bunch of money or something?

Mr. Mustard: (narrating) I will change its name. We won't call it Heartland anymore... but Mustardville!

Linkara (v/o): Even the gazebo has changed into a cheeseburger!

Linkara: My God! Mayor McCheese was behind this the whole time!

Linkara (v/o): And yeah, the gazebo change is the only major problem we see with Heartland. Sure, there's some condemned buildings in the background, a little more litter, and the leaves have fallen from the trees, but the leaves falling could just mean the season is changing, and I have a difficult time believing Mr. Mustard could make people litter more. If he really is in control of the town, all that means is that he cut back on public works projects meant to clean the place up, which implies pollution was always a problem, it's just the city was better at cleaning it up.

(Cut to footage of the movie, showing "Heartland see[ing] its darkest hour")

Linkara (v/o): In the movie, it's stupider in its own way, implying that the major things introduced that ruined the town were, one, an arcade...

Linkara: (looking up and shaking fist) DAMN YOU, PAC-MAN!

Linkara (v/o): ...and two, prostitution. And I hate to break it to you, but it takes two to tango. In the film, clearly, they're making money off of said prostitution, so obviously there was a market for it.

(Cut back to the comic)

Linkara (v/o): You know, if these musical instruments were the only things keeping Heartland from devolving into this place, doesn't that imply that the instruments have even worse mind control powers? Just because the end results are positive doesn't mean it isn't still shady. All you did was replace your Gotham City with "The Stepford Wives".

Mr. Kite: (narrating) Naturally, Strawberry is upset by what's going on in her city.

Linkara: Mostly, it was about the gazebo, though. She just thought it looked tacky.

Linkara (v/o): And so, she decides to get on a bus and find Billy, but Mr. Mustard spots her departure and goes after her. Arriving in L.A., Strawberry is briefly accosted by some bikers.

Biker: Hey honey, what's wrong?

Linkara: Man, Lucy and the Diamonds' biker gang really went downhill fast.

Linkara (v/o): She suddenly spots a billboard up high that declares: "LUCY AND THE DIAMONDS – The most wicked show in town".

Strawberry: (thinking) What a weird poster.

Linkara: I know, right? You'd think B.D. could afford a better advertisement than just plain text without even a picture.

Mr. Kite: (narrating) Strawberry is entranced by the message.

(Cut to a clip of They Live, showing a sign reading "OBEY", then cut back to the comic)

Linkara (v/o): Seriously, though, what message?

Mr. Kite: (narrating) It fills her mind and a sudden vision appears.

Linkara (v/o): Said vision turns out to Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band playing alongside Lucy and the Diamonds all together singing "Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds". And then she sees Billy making out with Lucy, which she shouldn't know about unless she's psychic. And how the hell did a billboard do that to her?! What the hell is going on?! Why is a band called Lucy and the Diamonds singing "Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds"?! Why does her group exist only to make this reference?! It's not even really the sky, it's just kinda tall up!

(Cut inexplicably to shots of past comics Linkara looked at)

Linkara (v/o): (sounding like he's about to lose it) Why'd it take so long for Black Canary to arrive in Gotham?! Why the hell did Whatley want to spread the evil of Silent Hill through a celebrity murdering people?! How would that even work?! Why did they put Prometheus' helmet back on in "Cry For Justice"?! Why did Kyle Rayner get so obsessive about defeating Sonar in "JLA – Act of God"?! What possible reason does anyone have to work for Harvest in "The Culling"?!? WHY DOES THE THING WANT TO SETTLE DOWN IN NEW ZEALAND AND FALL IN LOVE WITH SOME RANDOM WOMAN?!?!

Linkara: (really about to lose it) WHY DOES BEING A PUREBLOOD HUMAN SUPERIOR TO THE GENETICALLY-ENHANCED IN "SCI-SPY"?!?! WHY DID MARVEL THINK WE WANTED TO READ ABOUT THE SEXUAL ESCAPADES OF AUNT MAY?!??! I JUST– (stammers briefly in frustration as he massages his forehead) I DON'T– FOUR HUNDRED EPISODES!!! (throws down comic) I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!

(He gets up and storms off in frustration. Dissolve to Linkara back in the black space again, looking quite dejected as he shakes his head, wondering about his life)

Douwe Egbert: (narrating) Linkara's spirit was broken. Four hundred episode of terrible comics with bizarre plots and awful artwork, and he needed to express himself. Naturally, given what we're working with here, he's doing it in song.

(Linkara starts singing to the tune of "Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds", while shots of his show are shown in the background)

Linkara: (singing)

Pictures and word balloons mashed up together,
It's sequential art and beautiful prose
But then you see it, an ungifted artist
That draws an impossible pose
Twin clones of Hitler and Bimbos in Time,
Tandy Computer Whiz Kids,
Psychoman, Raver, Star Trek meets X-Men,
It's all real...
What the hell did I just review?
What the hell did I just review?
What the hell did I just review?
Ahhh...
Go back in time and meet God and the Devil
Traded your marriage at the Car Wash of Doom
Everyone cries for both justice and Brute Force,
But "Countdown" can rot in its tomb
SuperPro, laser bats, Jell-O Man, too
Santa the Barbarian,
Snowflame, "The Culling", and "Holy Terror",
It all sucks!
What the hell did I just review?
What the hell did I just review?
What the hell did I just review?
Ahhh...
Bad comics come in all types and all flavors,
From a Frank Miller story to "PSA Hell"
"SCI-Spy", Kamandi, "Teenage Super-Foxes",
It all makes me just want to yell...
What the hell did I just review?
What the hell did I just review?
What the hell did I just review?
What the hell did I just review?

(As he continues, Linkara reaches out and grabs a man filming this on a tablet)

Linkara: (singing)

What the hell did I just review?
What the hell did I just review?
What the hell did I just review...?

(Fade through black to Linkara in his room again. He leans his head against the bookshelf and sighs)

This guide is not complete. Please finish.

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