Ask ThatGuy Episode 4.6 (July 2, 2008)

[ThatGuy is reading a book and smoking a pipe, after a second he notices the camera]

ThatGuy: Oh, guten tag! Didn’t hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy with the Glasses.

[Piano music starts playing, title card appears]

Narrator: Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

ThatGuy: That’s a very good question. Mostly because kamikaze pilots have a very dry sense of humor. They know they’re going to die, so they say to themselves, “Hey, let’s have some fun with this. Maybe some moron years from now will actually be asking, ‘Hey, why are we wearing helmets’,” and that will get a laugh. Kamikaze pilots are actually very funny. I actually talked to a kamikaze pilot once. Funny guy. I mean when he wasn’t crying and mumbling in the corner, he was a curiously comedic person. I wonder where he is now. [Thinks about it for a second and looks horrified by the thought]

Narrator: Can a vampire get AIDS?

ThatGuy: Only if they don’t use protection. Like a mouth guard or teeth filters. In fact, so many vampire are afraid of getting AIDS they actually started feeding off themselves. Now that’s positively disgusting. Disgustingly beautiful. [Makes what can only be described as an orgasmic face]

Narrator: Would you like to wear my glasses?

ThatGuy: [taps his glasses with his pipe] These are your glasses. I stole them last night. [Looks at camera and says nothing for a couple seconds]

Narrator: Why do noses run and feet smell?

ThatGuy: Noses run because they always have somewhere to go. And feet smell because they always have something to stink. Does that answer your question? I don’t care.

Narrator: Bob Barker keeps sneaking on to my farm to spay, neuter, and rape my livestock. How do I stop him?

ThatGuy: Have you thought about Bob Barker repellent. They’re very common nowadays. They work on all Bob Barkers, as well as some Drew Careys. Once you spray the repellent, it will knock him out cold. After that, I suggest you spay and neuter him. That way we can control the Bob Barker population. Because we don’t need anymore Bob Barkers in this world. God, I love him. This is That Guy with the Glasses saying: There’s no such thing as a stupid question, until YOU ask it.

[ThatGuy goes back to reading books]

The End

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