July 20th, 2008
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. You know, it's often funny to see movie studios try to rip off popular box office hits to try to make a quick buck. Take, for example, the year that gave us "Home Alone" and "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles". Both of these films were gigantic blockbusters, as well as family friendly. So Touchstone Studios got an idea. "Duh, what if we took these two films that had nothing in common, put 'em together, and create our own worthless piece of crap?" You'd come up with "3 Ninjas".
(Footage of the movie is shown)
NC (voiceover): A shameful attempt to cash in on other people's creative abilities. This film was so blatant at what it was ripping off. Obviously, they were taking the martial arts from "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and the house traps that were taken directly from "Home Alone".
NC: Now, I know what you're thinking. I'm not giving studio moguls enough credit. I mean, NOBODY could be so financially desperate or creatively shallow to attempt such an act. I mean, are they really so stupid enough to combine movies like "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and "Home Alone"? (holds a DVD case of the movie) They are when they friggin' advertise it like that! Take a look! (he points to, and the camera zooms on one of the blurbs on the front cover) "Crosses 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' and 'Home Alone'." Abandon all originality, ye who enter here. (he tosses the case away and the sound of breaking glass is heard) Now, with that said, I'm sure a lot of you are thinking, "How bad a film crossover between 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' and 'Home Alone' possibly be?" Pretty bad.
NC (voiceover): The film's about three boys who study ninjitsu with their Grampa Morrey. It's KIND of odd, considering he's Japanese and not one of these other characters looks Asian. So over the summer, he teaches them how to use nunchucks, swords, Siamese stars, and a bunch of other weapons that parents would have a heart attack if they saw their kids using. The boys' names are as follows: Michael, the chubby kid; Jeffrey, the forgettable middle kid; and Samuel, the "Oh, my God, I swear that's a miniature version of Jamie Lee Curtis" kid.
Jeffrey: That's cool.
NC (voiceover): It's interesting how chubby Grampa is, considering he's supposed to be a ninja master. Except, of course, when he's doing flips and kicks, then he MIRACULOUSLY loses 20 pounds all of a sudden. I wonder why that is?
Samuel: Grampa! How'd you do that?
Grampa: Next time, try attacking in a nonsmoking section! (the kids laugh)
NC: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Grampa obviously hasn't taught them good humor yet.
Dad: That's very funny.
NC (voiceover): At the end of the summer, Grampa decides to give them all ninja names.
Grampa: (to Samuel) You shall be known as Rocky. (to Jeffrey) You shall be known as Colt. (to Michael) Little one, since your energy begins and ends with your tummy, you shall be known as Tum Tum!
NC: (laughs) Grampa likes to make fun of other people's short comings!
Samuel: Grampa is kind of a goofball in a way, but when it comes to martial arts and stuff, he's pretty cool.
NC: Yes, the line between goofball and senile insanity is often a thin one.
Grampa: Don't be overconfident!
NC (voiceover): Now the kids' father is an FBI agent who's after the sinister crime boss Snyder, who apparently deals in trading killer weapons designed by Nerf. (A caption reading "Nerf Blow Shit up!" is shown over a pic of the silly looking weapons) He also doesn't believe in buying bodyguards with those useless weapons and silly guns. Nope, Snyder's diabolical gang is made up of 100% ninjas. In the black suits and everything.
NC: Well, I have no idea how this is gonna connect to the story with the three boys, but let's just wait and see. The father always comes close to catching Snyder, but always manages to just miss him.
Snyder: Wish I could stay and chat, but I've gotta fly! (A helicopter comes up behind him after he says this)
NC: (as Snyder) You like that? You like the way the 'copter came up after I said the word fly? I trained him to do that you know. Cost me like thousands of dollars, but the reaction on your face? Totally worth it.
Jeffrey: You're a geek.
NC (voiceover): Then Snyder actually drops by Grampa's house and asks him to train his evil henchmen, because apparently they have some history together. But because this movie is afraid to have any semblance of plot, he sends his men to attack Grampa and the three boys. Here, the boys figure out ANOTHER ancient secret of martial arts: apparently, all ninjas are made out of cartoon sound effects. (A montage of cartoon sound effects accompany the numerous attacks, falls and jumps) You know, as a side note, I should point out that the philosophy of a ninja is to blend into your environment. NOT STICK OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB! You're only supposed to wear those in the dark you morons!
Stoner killer: SHUT UP!
NC (voiceover): So the boys actually do live a semi-normal life, or as close as possible considering the circumstances. They go to school, they have...odd looking girlfriends...and they even have bullies they have to put up with, or the closes thing this movie considers to be bullies.
Fat bully: Yeah, little horsey, how about some hay?
NC: Seriously, how come movie bullies are always so lame? I mean look at these guys, they look like a mix between Fat Albert and the Little Rascals.
NC (voiceover): In yet another pointless scene, the boys challenge the bullies to a basketball game in order to win back the bike of one of their girlfriends.
Samuel: How many points to a game?
Fat Bully: 10, duh.
Samuel: Fine. We'll spot you nine, you take first out.
NC: (confused) Did they just say "cake?"
NC: (still confused) Did I just jump a dimension or something? I mean, when did "cake" become a form of popular slang? Good God, it's like the writers just didn't care anymore, so they started tossing out random words trying to form a sentence. "Cake?!" That's like in the middle of a sentence with me just shouting out "stuffed cabbages!" Why? I don't know, because it makes about as much sense as "cake!"
NC (voiceover): So, obviously, the boys beat the bullies and get the girlfriend's bike back. I wouldn't mind this scene so much if it wasn't for this one certain part.
(Samuel seemingly flies through the air on a massive slam dunk jump, but at one point his foot comes down in front of a person blocking the camera)
NC (voiceover): Okay, so he obviously steps on something here, but they never address what it is. What the hell did he step on?
NC: Was he just gliding on his ninja awesomeness? I mean, it makes no sense!
NC (voiceover): So, all right, we see where the "Ninja Turtles" references come from, but what about the "Home Alone" stuff? Well, Snyder decides he wants to kidnap the three boys and hold them ransom so he can keep their father off his case. So he hires three surfer criminals to abduct the kids and bring them to his lair.
Jeffrey: The good news is, the delivery guys just created the babysitter with the pizza. The bad news is, they're carrying guns.
NC (voiceover): At first, the kids wanna do the smart thing and notify the authorities.
Samuel: We'll call the police.
Jeffrey: Hold it! If we can take these three robbers ourselves...
Samuel: Then maybe dad will see that our ninja training's worth it!
NC: (beat) Summer training or probable death? (pretends to weigh options) I guess I'd go with summer training, too.
NC (voiceover): So oddly enough, instead of using their ninja skills, they devise diabolical traps to snatch the burglars with. I love how even though they were notified of the burglars' presence just a few moments ago, that they somehow put together a plan that actually has phases.
Samuel: Prepare for Phase 1. Okay, Phase 2.
NC: Okay, you were in there for, like, 2 minutes. How can you come up with a plan that has phases to it?
Stoner killer: That's a very good question, my friend.
NC (voiceover): Look at this. One of them actually does the "Home Alone" face here. I mean, that's how much this movie doesn't give a crap.
Samuel: This. Really. Sucks!
NC (voiceover): I mean, half of these traps don't even make sense. How are you supposed to slip on jelly beans, for crying out loud? Wouldn't you just squash them? And for that matter, how come everyone carries a gun but never uses them? Does this movie exist in ANY REALM OF REALITY?
Stoner killer: Dude, sensitive.
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, Snyder's ninjas show up and kidnap the kids properly. After learning about the kids abduction, their parents realize there's only one logical solution: a short, balding Asian who's studied more Japanese buffets than he has Japanese martial arts.
Michael: Oh, that's reassuring!
NC (voiceover): So, rather than send in a S.W.A.T. Team of qualified professionals, it's Grampa Morrey who's gonna perform the rescue! Yeah, I know, just go with it. The kids are being held on a cargo ship crawling with second-rate pajama wearing ninjas. They make up an idea to get out of their cell by tricking the guard into thinking the telephone is for him.
Phone operator: (wearing a ninja suit) This is a phone check. Is that you, Frank?
(NC has his head down and bangs the table)
NC: WHY IS THE TELEPHONE OPERATOR WEARING A NINJA SUIT?! I mean, what is the point?! Is the telephone operator a martial artist? If so, why isn't he out there fighting with the rest of the ninjas? WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF HIRING A MARTIAL ARTIST TO ANSWER THE TELEPHONE?! IT MAKES NO SENSE!
Mom: Stop it!
NC (voiceover): So, as you probably imagine, an entire boatload of ninjas can't seem to beat three little children in bad '80s clothes. Why is it ninjas always scream before they attack someone? Doesn't that kind of alert them that you're there?
(A dramatic shot of a silent, unmasked ninja wearing face paint is shown)
NC: Whoa, who's this guy? Kinda looks like an Asian Joker or something. (the ninja laughs evilly and licks his sword) Holy shit, this guy's psychotic! What's he gonna do?
(The kids open a steam valve which sprays the ninja in the face, take his sword and cut up his clothes (making his pants fall down) and then simply punch him out)
NC: (unimpressed) Well, thank you, movie. Thank you for ruining the only possibly cool character in this entire film. You've dashed my hopes yet again.
Stoner killer: My apologies, my good man.
NC (voiceover): After fighting like a zillion ninjas and an oversized bodyguard, Grampa shows up to take on the evil Snyder in a one-on-one battle.
NC: And this is the portion I like to call "Spot the real Grampa!" ("Spot the Real Grampa" shows up on screen)
NC (voiceover, as the battle goes on): Let's see here. Stuntman, stuntman, stuntman, GRAMPA! Stuntman, stuntman, stuntman, GRAMPA! After a while, Grampa starts to tire and eventually starts to get his ass kicked. But just when it looks like he's down for the count, Grampa still has one ace up his sleeve.
(Grampa jams jelly beans into Snyder's mouth)
NC: (as Snyder, gasps) JELLY BEANS! MY ONE WEAKNESS!
NC (voiceover): So Grampa defeats Snyder, the FBI shows up, the kids are reunited with their parents, and they all life happily ever after. Whoop-de-friggin' do.
(The credits start, and NC notices the director's name, Jon Turtletaub)
NC (voiceover): But, wait, that name seems kinda familiar.
NC: Jon Turtle-tawb, Turtle-tib, whatever. How come I know that name? (Pictures of the director's works are shown as NC speaks) Holy shit, this guy's actually done a lot of movies! Including "Phenomenon", "While You Were Sleeping", "Cool Runnings", and even recent blockbusters like the "National Treasure" movies. So, how the hell did he get stuck doing this piece of shit? I mean, what exactly does this all mean? It means get out of crap as fast as you can. The other members of this movie didn't take that advice, and where did they go? 3 Ninjas part 2, 3 and 4. One of them with international sensation Hulk Hogan. So, always remember, kids: quit while you're...in the position of quitting. Like I should've quit watching this movie an hour and a half ago. It's stupid, uninventive, and reminds me of just why two film franchises don't make a right. Besides, it's obvious what the "Ninja Turtles/Home Alone" crossover should've been: "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Beat Up Macaulay Culkin". Now THAT would've been a Christmas movie. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.