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Ask That Guy With The Glasses Episode 32 (February 15, 2009)

That Guy With The Glasses reads his book and smokes his pipe in front of a corner cabinet adorned with holiday decorations (note: he doesn't address them). Once he notices the camera, he looks up and says...

That Guy: Oh! (closes his book) Bhavra alray! [unknown language; HELP! - ed.] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.

Traditional introduction and piano music.

Narrator (always off-screen, his questions appear on-screen unless noted): How is it that there are so many Smurfs if there is only one female?

That Guy: (facing screen left with pipe in mouth, he turns to the camera and takes it out) That's a very good question. You see, the female, or the "Smurfette" as she's often referred to, is actually the Queen Smurf. / [indicates a jump cut] And there's only one female to every five-hundred Smurfs. / But, unlike a colony of ants that treat their queen with the utmost respect, / they just gang-rape the hell out of that bitch. / They strap her down on a table, / the Smurfs form a very long line, / and they do her like a mofo. / And for every time she's raped, a new Smurf is born. / Only they're not small and tiny like you think a baby Smurf would be. / They actually come out full-size. / (chuckles) It is a most unpleasant experience. / One that nobody should ever have to go through. / Now, you might be wondering, "What about those Smurfs that are half-size? Aren't THEY children?" No. They are MIDGETS. / I would use the term "little people;" but the Smurfs are already little, so that'd be redundant. / Now, I know it looks like Smurfette is always laughing and is perfectly content; but she isn't. She's dead inside. / Needless to say, if another female IS born out of those millions and millions of births, heaven help her. / Yes.

Narrator: Can I eat your face?

That Guy: (chuckles) I've waited for YEARS for someone to ask me that question. No.

Narrator: Nicholson or Ledger?

That Guy: (takes pipe out of his mouth) Romero. / Because even though Nicholson and Ledger are extremely talented actors and play very crazy people, / there is NOTHING more crazy than painting white make-up over your own mustache. / (points mouthpiece at the camera) It isn't only crazy, it's downright stupid. / (clip of Cesar Romero in the '60s TV show Batman dressed as The Joker, laughing) / (back to That Guy, whose face turns a bit angry) Shut up. / (cut of Romero looking surprised)

Narrator: Would you get aroused if Rosie O'Donnell was actually a woman?

That Guy: (chuckle) I get aroused if Rosie O'Donnell was actually a person, / which she ISN'T. / I saw the movie Tarzan. She's an ape. / An ape who like ladies. / And when they make the sex, they give birth to Mexican chihuahuas. / And thus continues the circle of sinning against nature. / Extraordinary.

Narrator: Are you gay, a pedophile, or a woman? [note: the question reads "a Gay"]

That Guy: I'm all three! / I'm a gay, pedophile woman. / I have the hots for little children / but only the ones who are female. / Lots of people are gay, pedophile women. / Like...Michael Jackson, / Carrot Top, / Dustin Diamond (that SURPRISED me), / and, of course, Walt Disney. / But I think we all knew that. / (we see him spinning his pipe on his right index finger by the bowl)

Narrator: Where IS Waldo?

That Guy: He's other there. (he points off-screen to his left and briefly looks that way) THAT was easy.

Narrator: What am I thinking as I watch this video?

That Guy: You're thinking, "Yay! My question is finally being answered. / Or is it? / Is THIS technically answering the question?" / I don't care. (after a few seconds, he kisses at the camera)

Narrator: Is your mother a MILF?

That Guy: Judge for yourself. / (cut to a photoshopped image of a beautiful woman seductively posed with That Guy's face superimposed on it; cut back to That Guy, who nods smiling and later mouths, "Oh yeah!")

Narrator: My mom said she has a private area like me. Does that mean she has a penis?

That Guy: Yes, she does, as I found out last night. / That's right. I did your mother. / And not only does she have a penis, she also has a boy who was adopted. YOU. / But don't worry. Appearances can OFTEN be deceiving. / For example, Greenland is actually full of ice. / Your pinky isn't actually pink. / And Jesus was a 240-pound Jamaican. / (chuckles) I can tell you I was surprised when I found that out / but not disappointed, / as YOU most likely are, / you adopted bastard. / God bless.

Narrator: If you were a super hero, what kind of powers would you have and why?

That Guy: Well, many people have wanted supernatural powers. / Some wish they could fly. / Some wish they could shoot lasers out of their eyes. / But for me, my superpower would be telling the difference between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. / Because NOBODY can tell that. / Not even I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Man. / (walks up to the camera) He SAYS he can, but he's a liar. / (normal position) And a gay, pedophile woman. / I just wet myself. / This is That Guy With The Glasses saying: There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it. (winks at the camera and returns to reading and smoking)