Preface[]
[Fade in to Jerk in front of Soarin' with mouse ears covering his eyes]
Jerk: [looks around] There's no brains in sight. I'm gonna need more money. [notices us again] Oh, hi! Some Jerk with a Camera here, and welcome to the spine-tingling conclusion of my three-part 30 Years of Epcot series. This was first released on November 29th, 2012, and since then, the new Test Track has opened, still haven't ridden it, still can't judge. And, of course, Maelstrom has been shuttered permanently to make way for a Frozen ride. But that's yet to happen at the moment. This episode is about Epcot's development (or lack thereof) in the 90s and 2000s. Enjoy! [fade to black]
Episode[]
Announcer/Jerk (v/o): Previously on The Jerk Jerkman Show:
[cut to a flashback of Jerk and Chris Hansen/Il Neige at a front door to a house]
Jerk: I ordered this 31 minutes ago! It's free! [slams door]
Announcer/Jerk (v/o): And now... pizza.
[cut to Jerk standing outside Wonders of Life with a slice of pizza in his hand]
Jerk: [just about finished eating it] Here's the crazy thing: Wonders of Life opened 23 years ago, and it's still Epcot's most recent expansion. Now, when I say "expansion," I don't mean a new attraction replacing an old attraction, I mean a new attraction replacing nothing. I mean, really filling up your park by building new stuff in all the unused space. Epcot has more unused space than any other Disney theme park in the world, and they've gone longer without an expansion than any Disney theme park in the world. Even Disneyland Park found a couple of nooks and crannies to build new stuff in the '90s [Mickey's Toontown, Indiana Jones Adventure]. And just to pile irony atop irony in a big dumb internet irony pile, the last Epcot attraction to replace nothing, HAS NOW BEEN REPLACED BY NOTHING!
- Until sometime in the near future when the France Pavilion adds a Ratatouille Ride to its showcase, making it the first Epcot attraction in almost 20 years to replace nothing.
Jerk: Look, there it is! It's right there, but it's been off limits to guests for the last five years! WHY?! Disney, what could you possibly have against the Wonders of Life??
[Cut to a clip from Dogma]
Cardinal Glick: Are you... pro-choice?
Jerk (v/o): They only open the building these days for special events like the Flower and Garden Festival. How dare they fill Wonders of Life with Examples of Life? And even then, none of the attractions are open. The old Making of Me theatre shows HGTV promos. It's like walking around an abandoned mall; I half-expect zombies to leap out at any min--