[Fade in to Jerk in front of Innoventions]
Jerk: Great Glittering Galaga! [notices us] Oh, hi! Some Jerk with a Camera here, and welcome to Part 2 of my 3-part retrospective of the first 30 Years of Epcot. [Supertitle: First released on November 24, 2012!] This episode covers the 1980s at Epcot. Ah, remember the 80s? I don't, they ended when I was 6, but best I can tell, it was a magical decade when Ronald Reagan took up breakdancing, Donkey Kong smashed watermelons live on stage, and of course, Captain EO sold Rubik's Cubes full of cocaine to the Nicaraguans with a 23 Skidoo! [as if to cover an afterthought] And also, Epcot Center celebrated its first seven years of existence, or something... [cheery] Enjoy!
Announcer/Jerk (v/o): Previously on acid:
(cut to a psychedelic amalgamation of images: from creepy kaleidoscopes, to distorted, slo-mo clips of the 1982 opening special, to Jerk repeatedly colliding with the wall in the Italy pavilion.)
Announcer/Jerk (v/o): And now, you find yourself in ’82.
(cut to a montage of images and videos of the opening day ceremonies, with the EPCOT Overture playing underneath)
Jerk (v/o): So after all the pageantry and hoopla surrounding the 1982 Grand Opening of EPCOT Center, how exactly did the public react to this bold new vision?
(cut to the Jerk outside the now-defunct Odyssey)
Jerk: It was immediately a runaway smash success, and even more immediately a crushing, disappointing failure.
(As with the DCA retrospective, the music slows to a stop on the word "Crushing".)
Jerk (v/o): Oh, sure, the shiny new park attracted the curious crowds at first, but generally, after walking through EPCOT's 300 acres just to experience all 13 educational rides and attractions, their feet were just a little too tired to come back for more.
(Cut to a clip of the original 1966 Epcot plans film)
Walt Disney: Here in Florida, we have something special we've never enjoyed at Disneyland: The blessing of size.
(Cut to Jerk in front of the Morocco pavilion)
Jerk: Yeah, that "Blessing of size" has violated more feet than Quentin Tarantino! Generations of podiatrists have based their whole careers around treating EPCOT victims, and my feet have been threatening for several hours now to secede from my legs, tunnel their way out of my shoes, and start a new life somewhere.
Jerk's Right Foot: And we'll do it, too!
Jerk: You don't have the guts! Quentin Tarantino's out there somewhere!
Right Foot: He's not real, you just made him up to scare us!
Left Foot: We demand some dignity down in here!
Jerk: (as the feet are quibbling) What?!
Right Foot: Yeah, Lefty's right!
Left Foot: Why do you always have to undress us at the airport, pervert?! There's no way that's a real rule!
Right Foot: We demand some relief from your [???] sorry ass. We pedal extremities are a proud, noble race!
Left Foot: Would it kill you to clip my nails once in a while?! [???] get mad at me! We demand to be cut loose!
Jerk: I hate it when they get sore.
Right Foot: Cut loose!
Left Foot: (leading a chant) Cut footloose!
Both Feet: CUT FOOTLOOSE!!
Jerk (v/o): [over a montage of Epcot's humongous size] But here's what's even sadder. There's actually a reason they made Epcot so criminally, ungodly big. They deliberately left a ton of empty space between these pavilions because they actually thought, if Epcot was successful enough, they could eventually still build Walt's city of the future around them. That's why they called the place EPCOT Center, so it could serve as the centralized hub for the community. But it was not to be. The place quite simply had too many fires to put out. It was too big, too bland, too boring, too corporate, no thrill rides, not enough stuff to do.
[Cut to an interview with NSYNC's Lance Bass for VH1's I Love the 80s 3D]
Lance Bass [whom the Jerk proclaimed Expert of Boring]: It was the most boring place I've ever been to in my life.
Jerk (v/O): It certainly developed a cult fanbase, because, frankly it was too unique not to, but to the general public, it really was Fantasia to Disneyland's Snow White in the worst possible way. While Disneyland and the Magic Kingdom surrounded their guests with escapist entertainment, Epcot wouldn't even let you see the sweet-ass dinosaur robots without trapping you in Educational Film: The Ride.
[Cut to a clip from the original 1982 Universe of Energy]
Narrator: More that 80,000 photovoltaic cells generate electric currents to help power your traveling theatre cars. [Supertitle: They seriously made guests sit through half an hour of this crap just for five minutes of dinosaurs.] So, in a sense, you've been "riding on sunshine."
[Joel and the cast of MST3K pop up from the bottom of the screen in their normal movie-watching positions.]
Joel: These select few are making three cents a day.
[Cut to Jerk standing in front of the American Adventure pavilion.]
Jerk: And let's be perfectly honest. I don't know about you, but [screams] NOBODY THE FUCK GOES ON VACATION TO LEARN SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!
[Jerk's screaming "Learn shit" tirade travels, through various Google Earth images, all the way back to the West Coast, where Mikey Insanity and Rosenhacker are in DCA in front of Cars Land]
Rosenhacker: Did you hear something?
Mikey: Who cares? I'm on vacation! [leaves, but not before a Radiator Springs racer speeds by in the same direction]
Jerk (v/o): Disney learned that lesson the hard way, and never made that mistake again, until they made that mistake again [Disney Institute], and again [[[Sabrina the Teenage Witch Goes to Disney World!|Animal Kingdom]]], and again [[[Some Jerk with a Camera -- 10 Years of Disney's California Adventure|Disney's California Adventure]]].
- The Disney Institute was a combination resort and learning center, specializing in workshops in 'the business behind the magic' through seminars, workshops and presentations for people majoring in fields like animation, horticulture, culinary arts, photography, and television. Of course, this concept never caught on, and it was turned back into a hotel, the Saratoga Springs Resort and Spa.
[Cut to Jerk standing within the Germany pavilion]
Jerk: Apparently, even Disney refuses to learn lessons at Disney Parks. They're like that annoying uber-geek friend you have who won't shut up blathering about his geeky obsessions all the time, until you just want to say, "Shut up, shut up, nobody cares about theme park trivia!" But you can't even strangle the guy, 'cause you can't reach your hands through the mirror! Because Mickey Mouse lied to me again! And that rat bastard will pay. Oh, yes. [eerie close on his face, as his speech turns demonic and the light darkens] He will pay. [sudden close out as the screen brightens again] So anyway,
[cut to a montage of what happened in Epcot between 1983-1986]
Jerk [v/o]: Despite the sorry fates of the Africa pavilion and the Axis rides, Epcot did still manage to open three more pavilions in its next two years, all of which helped give the place some much-needed identity. World Showcase got the beautifully opulent Morocco pavilion, while Future World got the charming future-themed Horizons, and the even more charming original Journey into Imagination, featuring Epcot's first ever marketable characters: a whimsical old inventor named Dreamfinder, and his creation, an even whimsical-ler cute purple dragon named Figment!
[cut to Jerk standing outside Journey into Imagination pavilion]
Jerk: Yeeeeah, that's another thing, the park had no recognizable characters at first. They had Dreamfinder and Figment wandering around, but no one even knew who those were until the ride opened. If you wanted to meet Mickey Mouse or Goofy or any of the classic Disney characters, you had to go to the Magic Kingdom. So guess what?! [sarcastic chuckle, then deadpan] People did.
Newscaster: EPCOT will be the place for parents to drive the kids, not the other way around.
Jerk [v/o]: How do we make this big expensive gamble of a park a surefire success? I know, let's shut out literally the most successful thing we've ever done [Mickey, doy]! Let's take the freakin' symbol of our ENTIRE company, and lock him up in the Magic Kingdom, like he's grandpa at the old folks' home!
[cut to a still of the Toontown retirement center]
Geriatric Mickey [voiced by Garrett Snook/Il Neige]: Back in my day, mice were mice, broads were broads, and every cow's lower jaw was a xylophone!
[There's a loud crash!]
Jerk [v/o]: THERE YOU ARE, YA RAT BASTARD! COME HERE! COME HERE AND TASTE CHAINSAW!
[As the chainsaw revs, and Geriatric Mickey is torn to shreds, there's a supertitle that reads: "One of the following companies paid Jerk to do this to Mickey. See if you can guess which one!" as we cut to commercial]
[We come back from commercial with a montage of EPCOT with the Supertitles: Experimental Prototype Community Of Tomorrow]
Jerk [v/o]: So let's review: EPCOT was a failed experiment. [the word "Experiment" is scratched off] It wasn't really a prototype of anything, 'cause they never built another one. ["Prototype" is crossed out] It wasn't a community, 'cause nobody lived there. [as "Community" is scratched out, a Community cast photo with a red cross over it appears] And it didn't magically transport you to tomorrow unless you fell asleep on Universe of Energy [and "Tomorrow" is crossed out as well], which was quite likely. [And a question mark appears next to "Tomorrow"] It was barely even "Of". [as the word zooms in on the camera and switches to Jerk standing in front of Morocco pavilion]
Jerk: But mostly, it was an enormously risky venture that just wasn't paying off like they'd hoped, and it contributed heavily to the company VERY nearly toppling into bankruptcy... [the uneasiness sets in] Until...
[lightning strikes and the air turns darker and colder]
Jerk: Why'd it get so cold out here all of a sudden?
(cut to the Beast's Library in California Adventure where Michael Eisner is slowly, gradually revealed, portrayed here by Jerk as a Bond Villain with bowler hat and eye patch, and stroking Jeffrey Kitty-Katzenberg -- really Marie from The Aristocats)
Frollo/Eisner: (singing the end of "Hellfire" from Hunchback of Notre Dame)
♪♪ (Kyrie eleison) God have mercy on her ♪♪ [Jerk cowers in fear]
♪♪ (Kyrie eleison) God have mercy on me ♪♪ [As the camera closes in on Jerk, he says "No! No! No!"]
♪♪ (Kyrie eleison) But she will be mine, or... ♪♪
♪♪ She... will... ♪♪
[As the song reaches its climax, a montage of Michael Eisner plays interspersed with random clips of things that are dark and devilish, ending with the letter "E" being scrawled on the screen, Zorro-style]
♪♪ BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN!!!!!!! ♪♪
Eisner/Jerk: [after a few seconds once he is revealed] You know, my kid really likes those Gummi Bear candies, could you make a show about zat?
[cut to a more positive montage on Michael Eisner]
Jerk [v/o]: Say what you will about Michael Eisner, he didn't take the Disney CEO job out of charity, or in tribute to "What Walt Would Have Done." He took the job because he was shrewd enough to know exactly how many Scrooge McDuck money bins could be filled just by tapping into all of our nostalgic Disney memories in just the right ways. And like it or not, it worked! Once upon a time, this man literally saved the company by valuing populist entertainment above literally all else. Epcot Center was neither popular nor entertaining, so Eisner applied countless Band-Aid after Band-Aid to its massive wounds, starting with [cut to Mickey, Minnie, and Goofy around 1986 standing in front of the Fountain of Nations] SHOEHORNING THE GODDAMNED CHARACTERS IN THERE! They're all... gay hippie rainbow spacemen now! Good, go with it!
[standing next to the Captain EO poster]
Jerk: And speaking of gay hippie rainbow spacemen... [beat] Naaaah. [he just walks away] Oh, alright, in 1986, Captain EO found its Florida home at Epcot's Imagination pavilion, because... this certainly came from someone's imagination, alright, I think... Ah, who cares? As long as I have a big spinning rock [cue the rock] to stare at, everything's gonna be oka-- [it explodes] Awwww!
[cut to a montage of The Living Seas in its first couple years of operation before Nemo took over]
Jerk [v/o]: The same year also saw the opening of The Living Seas, the world's largest saltwater aquarium at the time, featuring thousands of stunningly beautiful sea creatures to admire while DEVOURING THEIR BRETHREN at the Coral Reef Restaurant. Watching fish while eating fish, that's almost some sick twisted Roman Colosseum derangement.
[cut to a shot of an underwater tank view of the Coral Reef]
Underwater Man/Jerk [v/o]: [as he's swimming] Are you not entertained?
[cut to Jerk in the Living Seas pavilion, now renamed The Seas With Nemo and Friends]
Jerk: Now, some people have accused Eisner of opening The Living Seas just to shamelessly crush SeaWorld. But actually Disney started building this place before Eisner even had the job, so that claim is about as baseless as saying he opened Disney-MGM Studios just to crush Universal, or Animal Kingdom just to crush Busch Gardens Tampa, [the tone and volume of his voice rises gradually with each new addition] or Pleasure Island just to ACTUALLY crush Church Street Station, or LITERALLY 17 [now 28] on-property hotels just so he could demolish Orlando's hotel industry, [he's reached the apex of his annoyance that someone reached this claim!] OR DISNEY'S MAGICAL EXPRESS, just to insure that NO DISNEY WORLD GUEST ever has to see a SQUARE FUCKING INCH OF FLORIDA NOT OWNED BY DIS--
[Cut to that same "technical difficulties" logo with the "Spearmint" music again]
Jerk [v/o]: OH COME ON, I DIDN'T EVEN MENTION THE MICE THIS TIME! What are you doing? [sounds of moving furniture are heard over this] OH NO, NOT MY SHARK TANK! NOT MY SHARK TAAAAAAANK!
[Cut to Jerk trapped inside Bruce's mouth in The Seas]
Jerk: But even with such adorable aquatic sea creatures as Michael Jackson at the parks' disposal, it was still considered kind of an afterthought. Even in the celebrity endorsements.
[Cut to a 1986 Walt Disney World commercial featuring members of the Cosby cast messing around the place]
Phylicia Rashad: ♪♪ It's a... ♪♪
Malcolm Jamal Warner: ♪♪ Supercalifragilistic ♪♪
Keshia Knight Pulliam: ♪♪ Disney World vacation ♪♪
All: ♪♪ There's always something going on ♪♪
♪♪ It's quite a celebration! ♪♪
Phylicia Rashad: Bet there's nothing left to do...
Malcolm and Keshia: There's Epcot too!
Jerk [v/o]: You heard the Huxtables. Walt Disney's last dream, the massively important bridge to the 21st century, four years into its existence it was just... "there too."
[Cut to the Bill Cosby statue that up to now used to reside at Disney's Hollywood Studios.]
Jerk: Why'd they go on vacation without Cliff?
[cut to a still of the Cosby apartment]
Cliff/Jerk [v/o]: Y'know, of all the basements I've ever been chained up in, this one has by FAR the most meth labs!
[cue a montage of IllumiNations and Norway pavilion]
Jerk [v/o]: In 1988, World Showcase got a nighttime fireworks show called IllumiNations, and a pavilion for Norway, featuring-- holy shit-- a SECOND WORLD SHOWCASE RIDE! And I still think Maelstrom is monstrously overrated, no matter how much my friends hate it.
[again with that friggin' "technical difficulties" logo, but just a half a second, Jerk interrupts it, standing outside the Maelstrom ride]
Jerk: My friends! My friends hate it. Go torture them.
[cut to a montage of "Wonders of Life"]
Jerk [v/o:] Then in 1989, Future World got "Wonders of Life!"
[Cut to a clip from the "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" TV series]
Marvin: [bored monotone] Don't talk to me about life.
[cut back to "Wonders of Life"]
Jerk [v/o]: ...which dealt with the disgustingly shameful inner workings of biology in three magnificent new attractions: The Making of Me starring Martin Short, Body Wars starring Elisabeth Shue and Tim Matheson and directed by Leonard Freakin' Nimoy, and Cranium Command, starring Charles Grodin, Jon Lovitz, George Wendt, Dana Carvey, Kevin Nealon, Bobcat Goldthwait...
[cut to a random episode of "Hollywood Squares"]
Announcer: from "St. Elsewhere," Christina Pickles! From comedy music, "Weird Al" Yankovic! And in the center square, Alf!
Jerk [v/o]: Yeeeeah... Eisner's celebrity obsession [over Cranium Command's preshow showing a still photo of Albert Einstein] kinda dated this pavilion after a while [and then Jim Varney/Ernest P. Worrell], but I still think Wonders of Life struck Epcot's best-ever balance between actual education and actual entertainment. Body Wars was Epcot's first thrill ride, even if it was just Star Tours getting its chocolate and Fantastic Voyage's peanut butter.
[a clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail's intermission, "to visualize Fantastic Voyage-era Raquel Welch slathered in peanut butter. JUMPSCARE WARNING: after a couple of seconds, there's a big supertitle reading "Intermission Over!!!" with possibly the loudest buzzer ever sounded on SJWAC]
Jerk [v/o]: And apparently, Cranium Command's animated preshow so impressed the Disney executives, they hired its directors [Gary Trousdale and Kirk Wise] to direct a little film called... "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST!!!!" I'm not kidding... THIS [Cranium Command preshow] led directly to THIS [Beauty and the Beast!!]!
[cut to that same wealthy businessman from Part 1 standing outside Elias and Co. at DCA]
Wealthy Businessman/Jerk: Hey, I love that wacky Internet cartoon you did. Wanna direct Lawrence of Arabia?
[cut to Stephan Krosecz in his studio]
Stephan Krosecz: Okay.
[cut to the opening shot of "Lawrence of Arabia" with Nootrac superimposed on top]
Nootrac: Wow, those camels are tiny!
[cut to a theater with people walking out and Wealthy Businessman still sitting]
Nootrac [off screen]: Heyyyy, tiny camels!! Over here!
Wealthy Businessman: Why do I still have a job?
Nootrac: How do you make 'em bigger?
[cut to a montage of "Wonders of Life" and "The Making of Me"]
Jerk [v/o]: But in my opinion, the greatest triumph of Wonders of Life (indeed of early Epcot, period) was The Making of Me, starring Martin Short, a film which-- I'm not kidding-- taught children about the science of human reproduction.
[Chris Hansen, played by Garrett Snook/Il Neige awakens from his drunken stupor]
Chris Hansen: WHAT?!
[cut to Jerk standing outside the ABC Theatre in Disney's Hollywood Studios]
Jerk: I know, I know, that sounds horrible. And the involvement of Ed Grimley just makes it sound like pure unfiltered wrong on toast, but in practice, it actually accomplished the impossible: It told kids the truth!
[cut to a montage of the film]
Jerk [v/o]: It didn't talk down to them, it just explained the simple biological facts of the matter entertainingly, in a way kids could understand, without lying to them about storks [Mr. Stork from Dumbo] or sentient Pixar clouds [the Pixar short of the same name] or other such bullshit. [Supertitle: Yep, this is totally how it happens, kids!]
[cut to Jerk standing outside the ABC Theatre in Disney's Hollywood Studios]
Jerk: And it did so without being, in any way, graphic or inappropriate or [a doorbell rings]... Who could that be? [he leaves to answer the door, even though it's basically already outside]
- The doorbell comes from the opening of the Broadway musical "The Book of Mormon".
[cut back to that same house from Part 1 where Jerk ended up in as he was about to review "Little Mermaid". He opens the door to reveal a very horribly disguised Chris Hansen in a mustache and carrying a pizza box. Stereotypical '70s blaxploitation/porno flick music plays in the background.]
Chris Hansen: Did someone order a pizza? [looks at him kinda flirtatiously, slightly licking lips and raising eyebrows, Jerk just looks at him quizzically] Because I have the transcript of your order... why don't you have a s--
Jerk: [interrupts him] I ordered this 31 minutes ago! It's free! [slams door]
Chris Hansen: [looks at the camera creepily as the "To Be Continued" supertitle shows up under and the screen darkens] I'll get you next time, Some Jerk with a Camera... NEXT TIIIIIIIIIIME... [the screen suddenly brightens as we hear a siren] No cops outside, I knew I was forgetting something!
[the closing credits roll, set to the Billy West song "Goin' to Jail"]
[static, cut back to the Huxtables' apartment]
Cliff/Jerk: Dammit, Vanessa, you think you can ignore me just because you turned into a SKELETON?!
[static, the closing credits finish]