300th Episode (Holy Terror)
June 30, 2014
The 300th episode is here! What is so horrible to deserve the spot? Well, it's Miller Time...
(We see Lewis, looking up towards the camera, dressed casually, and giving a sincere discussion.)
Lewis: Before I begin this episode, I felt the need to talk to you guys as myself. This episode is covering a highly controversial work and I have little doubt that there will be lots of arguments and discussions a plenty in the comments section. And while I'm always worried about that, I know in my heart that it's nothing to really be concerned about. If I learned anything after five plus years and 300 episodes of this, it's that my fans and viewers are some of the smartest, kindest, and most civil people out there. With all that out of the way, welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. (pulls a pocketwatch out of his shirt pocket) hmm, it's Miller Time. Let's dig into Frank Miller's Holy Terror.
(Full-length intro featuring a longer version of Atop the Fourth Wall theme song and a showcase of all 300 of the show's title cards, including this episode's.)
Linkara: You know, in three-hundred episodes, you may have picked up that I'm not particularly fond of Frank Miller.
(Cut to a showcase of clips from previous episodes)
Linkara: The ever-growing insanity of comic book writer Frank Miller. (edit) Miller before he went nuts. (edit) Mad writings of comic book writer and artist Frank Miller. (edit) The ever-growing insanity of comic book writer and artist Frank Miller. (edit) The growing insanity and awful works of comic book writer Frank Miller. (edit) And let's not forget how he whizzed on Will Eisner's grave. (edit) No, I have nothing nice to say about Frank Miller these days, he's pretty loathsome. (edit) Frank Miller can't write women unless they're in some way sexualized. (edit) Frank "I Can't Direct a Movie to Save my Life" Miller. (edit) Why I hate this racist, misogynistic, sack of crap to begin with. (edit) What are you trying to say, Frank?! What is the point of the miniseries?! (edit) Notice, also, Miller sexualizing a friggin' city. (edit) The segment where Frank Miller is king, as well as the jester. (edit) You'd think that this was just standard Miller idiocy at played at drawing women with questionable anatomy. (edit) The story of one man's quest to ruin his own reputation as a great writer. (edit) Knowing Frank, he'd probably put instructions in the script telling the artist to make sure that we focused on her ass shaking from side to side as she ran. (edit) Frank would have probably screwed that up, too. (edit) He passed creepy a long time ago.
Linkara: I know, I've been very subtle about it, but it's there.
Linkara (v/o): Today, we're covering a book called Holy Terror, quite possibly the worst Frank Miller comic ever published. The only way he could make a worse book is if it was literally nothing but drawings of people defecating for a hundred pages.
Linkara: Well, I take that back, one could probably find some kind of bizarre artistic merit from that and it would be considered less racist ... well, unless all the people defecating were Arabs... I'm just giving Frank ideas at this point, aren't I?
Linkara (v/o): Holy Terror was originally going to be a Batman book, called, of course, "Holy Terror, Batman," to echo the catchphrase of Burt Ward from the 60's Batman series. Well forgive for the moment that there was already an elseworld story from DC called Batman: Holy Terror, which, of course, wouldn't cause confusion at all. The idea behind the book was to take the silliness of propaganda comics of the 1940's, where Captain America or Daredevil punched Hitler, and transplant it to the modern day with Al Qaeda. To a degree, I understood and actually kind of enjoyed that kind of thing because when someone was an unrepentant mass murderer, someone who is truly evil and doesn't believe themselves to be the case, there is nothing more cathartic than seeing them get some kind of comeuppance.
Linkara: And to be perfectly honest, when they first announced the project, I was actually kind of into it. A silly little send-up of those old propaganda comics transplanted in modern times, just with the Taliban and Al Qaeda instead of Nazis for the like..... But then me and everybody else kind of took a step back and rethought that a bit.
Linkara (v/o): See, that kind of propaganda in those comics varied. Yes, there was racism - there's no denying that depictions of Japanese individuals, but even in those comics offered depictions of people who were not evil, but just as much victims of hostile governments. Hell, in Daredevil Battles Hitler, the end of the first story shows a German factory worker cursing that his people don't seem brave enough to oppose the Nazis. Implying that they're cowards? Yes, but at the same time, it's shown as being out of fear and reprisal, not because they're evil. Hell, that same comic book features the most racist caricature, The Claw, decimating a village of innocence at an Asian country just to prove his own points and show what a villain he was. Was it racist? Yes, but it still showed that there were innocence in all of this. In Holy Terror, if you're Muslim or Arabic, you are a terrorist.
Linkara: And I'm not asking for a positive depiction of Muslims in the story as a counter balance, as if this was an afterschool special. I'm saying that if this was supposed to be an old-school propaganda comic, it should have been a lot sillier than this.
Linkara (v/o): See, you've got a writer like, um, Grant Morrison, who's obsessed with Gold and Silver Age minutia in comics and treats everything in superhero comic history as if its cannon no matter how much it contradicts itself or doesn't make sense with modern depictions. And it's very similar to how Frank Miller should be writing this book, trying to create an insane PARODY of propaganda. And yet, ironically, even Grant Morrison was criticizing this idea, calling it "decadent indulgence when real terrorists are killing real people in the real world." Then again, he also challenged the then-forty-nine-year-old Frank Miller to join the army, if he cared that much about it, so whatcha going to do? But anyway, yeah, this should be a silly propaganda comic that's just as ridiculous as the ones from 1941.
Linkara: But, Frank, here's the thing that you're struggling with, and I know it's a difficult concept to wrap your brain around so try to bare with me here, it's not 1941 anymore.
Linkara (v/o): In 1941, it was okay to have phrases like, "Slap a Jap." In 1941, black people weren't allowed to go to school with white people. In 1941, straight-up propaganda against the enemy was seen as okay no matter the negative consequences. Manzanar, anyone? My point is that things that were okay to do in 1941 are not okay to do now because we realized that those things were really not good things.
Linkara: The reason why we like ridiculous racist propaganda comics these days, is because we like them IRONICALLY! You can't play it straight like you do in this.
Linkara (v/o): This book takes itself completely and utterly seriously without a hint of irony. We should have Al Qaeda rampaging through America in giant robots. We should have the head of Osama Bin Laden in a jar using psychic mind powers against the American military. We should have all the terrorists be defeated by offering them Hostess Fruit Pies.
Linkara: But, then again, we really shouldn't have been surprised that it ended up like it did. Frank Miller was not the person you'd want to have working on a comic like this. He lived in New York when 9/11 happened. And in the wake of it.... Well, here are some choice quotes from Frank Miller:
(Cut to a blank black screen. Linkara reads the quotes (The captions in white) said by Miller. When he finishes reading the quote, additional red captions appear below the quote.)
Linkara (v/o): "I can tell you squat about Islamism. But I know a lot about Al-Qaeda and they need to burn in hell."
(caption appears: "This comic depicts all Muslims as being part of Al-Qaeda and demonstrates a basic knowledge of aspects of Islamism.")
Linkara (v/o): "Propaganda has, over time, become a pejorative term. News objectivity is a twentieth century myth. We only complain about propaganda when we don't agree with it."
(Caption appears: "While news bias DOES exist, it reduces ALL news, whether verifiably true or not, to a matter of opinion.")
Linkara (v/o): "For some reason, nobody seems to be talking about who we're up against, and the sixth century barbarism that they actually represent. I'm speaking into a microphone that never could have been a product of their culture."
(caption appears: "Quick list of ideas and concepts developed by people from Arab civilizations: Algebra, guitars, coffee, optics, the concept of the Earth's rotation on its own axis, modern chess, dissolvable sutures in surgery, cataract surgery, the parachute, shampoo, the windmill, paychecks, the national and geographical charts.")
Linkara (v/o): Some will say that last quote is referring to terrorists and not Arab civilizations, but terrorists are NOT civilizations. Terrorists are not a culture. And, as this comic will show, Frank Miller does not make a distinction between the two.
Linkara: Frank Miller is racist. There's no way I'm dancing around it. But hey, so were lots of other famous writers in history and some of them are still heralded in classes for their skills. A pity then, that Frank Miller has become such a BAD writer.
Linkara (v/o): As I said, this was supposed to be a Batman comic. Frank has said that about half-way through writing it, he realized that it was "not a Batman story" and that the "hero" is "much closer to Dirty Harry than Batman."
Linkara: And yet, that didn't stop you from writing Crazy Steve over in ASBAR, did it, Franky?
Linkara (v/o): While he says that, I have a different theory about it. What changed was that DC editor Bob Schreck was laid off from DC and became the editor-in-chief of Legendary Comics. Now, Schreck was apparently the one championing the book and, when he was gone from DC, Frank took Holy Terror with him to work for Legendary. Admittedly, it's possible that it was just in combination with the aforementioned quote about it not being a Batman story. Personally, I feel it more likely that DC told him that they weren't going to print it after Schreck left, since it was garbage that portrayed their biggest cash-cow as a racist lunatic. And despite Frank's protestations about it not being a Batman story, all the superficial elements of Batman exist in this comic, just without the meat, bones and names. In fact, you can actually think of this as just another issue of ASBAR. This is clearly meant to be Batman, well Frank's version of Batman, anyway. And I don't mean the Batman he once said is, "as good and pure a superhero as you can find." No, no, no. This is the Batman who calls twelve-year-olds "retarded" because they don't like the name "Batmobile." The Batman who makes that same twelve-year-old eat rats after his parents were murdered before his eyes. The Batman who loves violence and inflecting pain more than does actually fighting crime.
Linkara: And with all of that out of the way, let's finally talk about the book itself. (For the first time in this review, Linkara pulls out Holy Terror) For starters, WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THE IDIOTICALLY BIZARRE DIMENSIONS OF THIS COMIC?
(Linkara slams the comic on the floor, while throwing off his hands in frustration and confusion. He then measures the length and width of the cover with a tape measure. The measurements read 9"x12". He slams another comic, called "Dumbing of Age: This Campus is a Friggin' Escher Print" and measures that one, too. The measurements read 7"x9". He puts away the tape measure and the webcomic away and gives the finger to Holy Terror.)
Linkara (v/o): Look at this thing! Who prints comic books like this? And yeah, I've seen comics that are not the standard sizing, but those ones are still comparable to normal and have a good reason for their proportions. Web comics, in particular, tend to print books with different dimensions, but that's because they were originally made for a webpage. THIS book was straight to comic book shops in its current form. It was designed to be like this.
(Linkara places Holy Terror in the shelf, but unable to shove it any further than about six inches. He places the book in another shelf, which is literally behind the green futon. He goes to the first shelf again, except this time he tries to turn the book sideways. But the book is too big to fit. The book then falls over and Linkara throws up his arms.)
Linkara (v/o): I can't even fit this over-sized piece of crap in my regular shelf without it sticking out over the edge. It only fits back there, alongside other garbage I reviewed because these shelves aren't really bookshelves, just deeper shelves in general. Maybe the idea is that I'm supposed to turn it vertically so that no one can see I own a copy. Oh, wait! IT DOESN'T FIT THAT WAY, EITHER!!
(Cut back to Linkara on the futon)
Linkara: Yeah, we haven't even analyzed the cover yet, and already I'm yelling. That is how bad this thing is.
Linkara (v/o): Oh yeah, the cover sucks, too. It features our main character Not-Batman. Oh, I'm sorry, his name is "The Fixer."
Linkara: Who the hell names himself "The Fixer?" That's not a superhero, that's someone who spays and neuters cats!
Linkara (v/o): So anyway, "The Fixer" is punching a mummy, or something. Oh, my apologies, that's supposed to be a terrorist. I got confused because I have no idea what the hell that head scarf is supposed to be. I did try to look up the terms of various garments worn by Muslims and this thing doesn't look like any of them. You know how in the past I've been annoyed because people will point out a mistake I made in the comments over and over? Well guess what, guys. I am begging you to tell me what the hell this thing is, if it even is anything. Maybe it is a mummy. Oh actually, I know exactly what it is! POORLY DRAWN!! Just like the rest of the cover! The Fixer is punching this guy and apparently he's doing it so hard that a stream of teeth are defying gravity and flying out of his mouth in a straight horizontal line.
(Cut to MST3K clip: "Pumaman" The main character rescues a man who's falling in a warped angle.)
Mike Nelson: Help! I'm falling at a sixty-degree angle, breaking all the laws of physics!
Linkara (v/o): And while we're on the subject of the teeth, look how bloody those things are. Did this guy take a bite at a raw meat before he got into a fight with The Fixer? Oh, but we can't forget about The Fixer himself and his "brilliant" superhero costume. Look, I know he was supposed to be Batman, but you could have tried something to give him a more original look. His outfit is just BROWN! It's a brown face mask and a brown shirt and brown gloves. Well, I'd say this is a costume. Frankly, with how many lines it has and how tattered and ripped apart it is, it looks like the guy just threw on a bunch of stained rags he found in his basement.
Linkara: And there's another thing that his Fixer name apparently doesn't apply too: Sewing!
Linkara (v/o): Dear lord, we're still talking about this cover. I'm devoting a full page of this review to it. That's how awful it is. What else is there to talk about? Oh, how about the wheat strands attached to the terrorist's clothes? Or is it straw? Or the ends of his scarf? Or are they supposed to be action lines, or something, from the punch? The hell are these tassels? Did this guy make his outfit out of curtains? Oh, but let's forget about those and talk about this knife. Crocodile Dundee is looking at that knife and putting away his own in shame. It's about as big as The Fixer's head with two different serrated edges on the back and two spikes on the hilt. Who makes a knife like that except a ten-year-old who doesn't know any better?
(Cut to 90's Kid)
90's Kid: Duuuuude! That knife is awesome! It's the kind of knife that shows that no matter how you stab the villain, they're always gonna end up with an AWESOME SCAR!
(Fade to a decorative cake with the words: "Happy 300th Episode" written in red icing. Fade to black.)
(Fade out; back to the cake. Lewis's hand carries his kitchen knife, finding a perfect slice of the cake. "Smells Like Teen Spirit" still plays in the background. Lewis finally make a perfect slice.)
Linkara (v/o): Oh, but let's not forget about the perspective. Mummy Muslim has wrapped his ginormous hand and arm around The Fixer to a degree that the knife is in front of his head, despite the arm being behind his shoulder!
Linkara: (anguished) We have not even BEGUN this comic yet, people! I implore you! Pray for me!
Linkara (v/o): (finally we begin reading the comic) We open with a two-page spread of a quote:
Quote: "IF YOU MEET THE INFIDEL, KILL THE INFIDEL!"
Linkara (v/o): This is sourced as "Mohammed."
- Note: Mohammed can be technically spelled as Muhammad. Either one is accepted.
Linkara: Yeah, funny thing about this quote, (chuckle) it's entirely made up.
Linkara (v/o): Now, there are bits in the Qur'an referring to Muslims killing non-Muslims, but quotes are a funny thing. You take anything out of the context of what was written around it and suddenly it means something entirely different. The Qur'an refers to Muslims killing non-Muslims, IN SELF-DEFENSE! In fact, it specifically states to never start a fight because Allah does not like aggressors. There are also bits about making peace with non-Muslims, sheltering them, if they're in need, and then conveying them to safety.
Linkara: Funny, how easy it is to fact-check with a simple Google Search! But, hey, we can't expect Frank Miller to do that kind of intense research. In mean, this was published such a long time ago, ALL THE WAY BACK IN 2011!!
Linkara (v/o): By the way, if this is about terrorists and not Muslims at large, why are we opening with a supposed quote from Mohammed? Wouldn't it be more accurate and effective to quote Osama bin Laden or something? It's not like we're wanting for quotes from terrorists about wanting to kill the infidel. But, if we're playing the "take religious quotes out of context" game, Franky, I can play, too!
"Anyone who blasphemes the name of the lord must be put to death. The entire assembly must stone him. Whether an alien or native-born, when he blasphemes the name, he must be put to death."
--- Leviticus 24:16, New International Version (NIV)
Linkara: Actually, that was very wrong of me. If we're playing by Frank Miller's rules, we should be totally making up the quote and then not sourcing it properly. Let's try this again.
(Another caption appears:)
"Adam, either you put on some damn pants or this relationship is over"
Linkara (v/o): We truly open with... Lots and lots of white-out spilled onto the page. Oh, I'm sorry, checking the next page, we see it's clearly supposed to be rain, or possibly snow. To be fair, when it comes to Frank Miller's art, his greatest strength has always been his use of negative space, contrasting black-and-white colors to create images. Unfortunately, it's the weather effects that are really suffering here and are making it look like he accidentally had a seizure while drawing the rain. This is Empire City, obviously the stand-in for Gotham, even down to the Statue of Liberty-esque statue that Gotham is sometimes depicted as having. But, hey, while we're on the subject of Gotham City, it's time to meet Not-Batman and Not-Catwoman. The two are running around on a rooftop with Not-Catwoman naturally wearing a thong, a shoulder-less top, and fish-net stockings. I would remind you that Frank Miller is the guy who re-imagined Catwoman in Batman: Year One as a prostitute in similar garb.
Linkara: Frank Miller, if she ain't a prostitute yet, just give me a few pages.
Linkara (v/o): I find myself utterly confused by Not-Catwoman's footwear. Are they supposed to be roller skates? That wouldn't make any sense for the rooftop parkour she's doing. Why are they the only things colored red on these pages? You would color them red like that to draw specific attention to them, except the more I look at them the more baffled I get. AGAIN, are they roller skates? Some kind of fancy shoe bottoms? Why are the shoe bottoms getting the red color? How can they even be the bottoms of the shoes? We see in several shots that she'd have her legs extended out in a way that makes no sense. But, if they're not the shoe bottoms, why then do her feet come to little stumps? But whatever. Eight pages in, not counting the quote, we FINALLY get some real dialogue that's not grunting.
Narration: "Natalie Stack" "Cat Burglar" "On the run:"
Natalie Stack: "He's right on my ass." "Right on my ass." "What is his goddamn problem?" "All I did was steal a lousy diamond bracelet." "And now, he's right on my ass."
Linkara: Just in case you were wondering if the writing is less repetitive from Franky in recent years, there's your answer.
Linkara (v/o): Oh, and nice use of the black and white narration captions. At first, I thought it was the narrator or The Fixer talking about Natalie Stack. But apparently, she was talking about herself. What? The captions aren't different in any other way, so they must be coming from the same damn person. So glad that the only color on the page was given to her SHOES. After some more evasion on random rooftops, which looks as if Frank decided to use finger painting on the edges of the page to smudge everything, Miss Stack scratches her not-cat nails on the side of the building in a totally-not-Catwoman fashion and I begin to question the formating of the book again. I'm showing you the full page so you can get a whole glimpse of this. Notice something about the two sets of panels? Comic books, manga novel standing, traditionally follow a read-left-to-right format, just like regular books. Sure, there's variation, like with the left side here with three panels stacked on top of each other and then the big panel next to them, but it's how it usually goes. Except here, we've got two entire sets of panels that are unconnected. With how they're sized, frankly, it looks like he started drawing the comic in standard format, but then changed in the middle of working on the thing so that it was this over-sized crap. To be honest, it makes me feel like the comic is twice as long as it is, and it's already 120 pages! Ugh, anyway, she scratches the wall and hangs on for dear life.
Stack: "Lucky girl. Lucky." "Nine lives and all that."
Linkara: If she's not called Catwoman, why does she talk about "nine lives?" Did they just forget to edit this?
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, thanks to some random white scratches on the page, she falls off the side of the building. Oh, and we do have some more colors that I just noticed, dark green eyes. This comic feels like a half-completed paint by numbers book. Fortunately for her, The Fixer swings over and catches her while she does the subway sandwich thighs thing in the air. Because when you're falling to your death, you want to make it look like you're kneeling. And check out The Fixer's bullet belt and gun in a holster. I am rather curious if that was part of the plan for the original Batman stuff. I think that would have made the folks at DC tilt their heads a little. And geez, just look at this pose on Natalie Stack. What the hell is this expression and pose?
(Cut to Linkara mimicking Stack's pose while going "Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh!")
Linkara (v/o): Oh, and The Fixer's brilliant plan to save them both is to swing back towards the rooftop, let go of the line, and have the two crash into the roof while clinging to each other and then he handcuffs her. Naturally, Miss Stack does not take kindly to this and kicks The Fixer right in the balls.
Linkara: Knowing what's going to happen later on in this comic, this image of The Fixer getting his crotch kicked is gonna be my happy place from here on out.
Linkara (v/o): The two promptly kick the crap out of each other and, naturally, with this basically being a Sin City comic with Batman, it quickly turns into awkward sexual violence when the two begin making out with each other. They kiss, fall off the rooftop onto ANOTHER rooftop, while the moon hangs behind them, friggin' huge and imposing, making me hope that this comic will end with the moon colliding with the planet and killing everyone, and we even get to see that a sound effect of them falling is KRUNK.
(Cut to a clip from the Game Crazy training video.)
Zelda Scott: That was krunk.
Linkara (v/o): So, after some more of them hitting each other and making out...
Linkara: (singing) Sexy, sexy, violence. Sexy, sexy, violence.
Linkara (v/o): It's time for another classic Miller trademark to make its appearance.
Stack: I hate your guts.
Fixer: Sure, you do.
Stack: I hate your guts. You make me sick.
Fixer: Sure, I do.
(Cut to clip from "MST3K: Robot Monster.")
Tom Servo: Ever heard of deja vu, Joe?
Stack: Make me sick. Now.
Fixer: Sure I will.
Linkara: And they proceed to vomit all over each other.
Linkara (v/o): Or the sun explodes, given this page.
Stack: Just a slow night. That's all. That's all. That's all. That's all. That's all. That's all. (This is literally how the comic is read. It's not me accidentally copying and pasting the quoted sentence.)
Linkara: Oh great, Frank's record is skipping. Someone hit the jukebox!!
Linkara (v/o): I'm not too far off with the sun exploding comment. It turns out that there is an explosion. A nail bombing has been detonated, sending dozens, no, hundreds of nails out into the air. And already it is ridiculous because the explosion is so bright and powerful, and there are so many nails and they're being flung up so high, that they are reaching rooftops, that is just seems pointless. If the explosion is that big and powerful, they'd be dead from the explosion already. But yeah, they shoot out everywhere and hit Miss Stack right in the leg, who begins to yell Jesus's name over and over again because I imagine that really frigging hurts. Oh, and The Fixer is completely unaffected. He just kind of roles away without any damage, I think anyway, since he's so bloody and bruised from the earlier sex combat that I can't tell. And, of course, because Miss Stack is S-M-R-T, she pulls the nail out of her leg, and for some reason there isn't any blood on it. Are her legs not real? Then, why would she be in pain from the nail... oh, screw it.
Stack: A nail. A goddamn nail. What is a goddamn nail stuck in my goddamn leg.
Linkara (v/o): The "goddamn" thing? HE'S STILL DOING THE WHOLE "GODDAMN BATMAN" THING, EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A BATMAN COMIC!!
Linkara: Frank, do you hate the meme? Is that why you keep injecting it in long past the point where anybody cared about it? Are you trying to make us sick of it? Are you just ashamed that the work you did for "All Star Batman and Robin" got reduced to an internet joke? If that's the case, may I offer you some advice? DON'T WRITE SUCH BLATANTLY IDIOTIC THINGS AND WE WON'T MAKE FUN OF YOU FOR IT!!
Stack: What the hell is going on?
Fixer: It's war, darling, It's war.
Linkara: (singing like The Fixer) Huh, good god y'all, What is it good for?
Stack: It really hurts.
Fixer: I know it, baby. I know it hurts.
(Cut to Linkara lip syncing to "What is Love" and bobbing his head a la Roxbury Guys from SNL.)
Linkara (v/o): We cut to... ten minutes ago.
Linkara: Oh god, is this gonna be like ASBAR's confused timescale? I can't go back, bro!!
Linkara (v/o): Fortunately not, instead, let's meet Amina, a foreign exchange student and Humanities major. And also, since she's a woman in a Frank Miller comic, she has extremely puffy lips.
Narration: Empire City, USA. This city is,
Linkara (v/o): ...uh comma splice there, Frank.
(Caption: "Actually it's just really poor sentence structure, but still...")
(Caption and voiceover)
Because poor literacy... is expected from uneducated bigoted morons.
(back to the comic)
Narration: Cold and wet and noisy and so very proud of itself.
Linkara (v/o): It also has this problem of giant gargoyle statues that anybody can just walk on to, apparently. Mind you, I'm assuming the pink shape there is Amina. Then, what the hell is she sitting on? The two hell-dogs from Ghostbusters?
Narration: Empire City. Cold. Wet. Noisy.
Linkara: (as Narrator) Repetitive.
Narration: Haughty. Arrogant. Always building itself up bigger, taller, like some mad gaggle of robots. Always climbing.
Linkara: How dare we take advantage of vertical space? Wayside School is the devil!!!
Narration: Its towers stab into the sky like sharpened sticks aimed at the eyes of God.
Linkara: Is Frank Miller under the impression that skyscrapers don't exist in Muslim countries? Oh, silly question. I forgot. He's the guy who thinks that they couldn't have figured out microphones. He must think that people in United Arab Emirates live in ramshackle huts and mud igloos.
(Brings up images of skyscrapers from UAE and Malaysia.)
Linkara (v/o): Just for the sake of accuracy, this image right here is the Burj Khalifa, or the Khalifa Tower. It's the tallest building in the world and currently resides in Dubai. A tower or two previously, the record was held by the Petronas Towers in Malaysia.
Linkara: I'm curious. How comfortable is your head, Frank, when it shoves so far up your own ass?
Narration: Empire City. Proud. Arrogant. Haughty. Wet. Cold.
Linkara: OKAY, FRANK! WE GET IT! YOU DON'T OWN A THESAURUS! MOVE ON!!!
Linkara (v/o): I don't even know what we're looking at anymore. Some giant pink monster with a Xenomorph head looking at a construction site? What the hell is this?! Apparently, there was an explosion in the distance an Amina is met by some girl whose face is constantly hidden in shadow. It's a bizarre artistic choice to make. As we're about to learn, Amina is a terrorist herself, but she's completely visible. The innocent girl she's talking to is the one almost always hidden in shadow and obscured. Amina looks just like the friggin' main character herself, big innocent eyes, we see her clearly-- what the hell? Anyway, yeah, the girl, named Jaye, asks Amina if she wants to be standing there, whatever "there" is, because the rain is making things slippery.
Narration: You worry for me, a stranger.
Linkara: (waving his hands around and talking in a robot voice) Is this one of your hu-man emotions?
Linkara (v/o): Jaye says she spotted her walking out and figured she came out to smoke and decided to do the same.
Amina: I don't smoke, Jaye. But I'll take a swig of that beer.
Linkara (v/o): And, indeed, Jaye hands her the beer and she takes a sip of it.
Amina: My first alcohol. Ever.
Linkara: Religious reasons or not if you realized what comic you were in, you would be chugging that bottle.
Jaye: Get out. I mean... no way.
Amina: We don't use alcohol where I come from.
Jaye: Where's that, the Dark Ages?
Linkara: PEOPLE WHO DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL? THAT'S UNPOSSIBLE!! [then he gives a "Huh?" gesture]
Amina: Maybe the future. We'll see.
[Cut to intro to "Plan 9 from Outer Space": Criswell narrates]
Criswell: Future events such as these will affect you in the future.
Linkara [v/o]: Amina says it's getting cold outside, no surprise considering how much friggin' rain there is, and they decide to go back inside. Finally seeing Jaye's face, we can tell she's clearly into Amina, who says:
Amina: Come along. You're my date now, aren't you?
Linkara [v/o]: And they hold hands and reenter wherever the hell they were at, as signified by the sixteen small panels showing different people's faces. There are, well, fourteen featured faces, two show close-ups of scantily female bodies because sex sex-sex-sex-sex sex-sex, sex sex sex.
Linkara: What I'm trying to say, in case my very low-key comments weren't an indication, is that Frank Miller draws with one hand. [makes a masturbation gesture as he says that remark] Actually, that would explain why his art has continued to degenerate over the years.
Linkara [v/o]: And then Jaye notices something under Amina's coat. Amina leans in for a kiss a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-and suicide bombing by Amina.
Linkara: Thank you, Frank, for this very important message: "Foreign exchange students are secretly enemy agents; treat them with suspicion and hate." [grins for a bit and then takes off his glasses; sigh] You know, it's days like today that really make me regret my decision to not use the more colorful four-letter words, just so I can scream WHAT A PIECE OF SHHHHHHH--- [Puts his glasses back on] Surely fine work this comic is.
Linkara [v/o]: And back to now. What's funny is that even if it would have been afterschool special material, if this was the kind of book that was supposed be, that scene, with a bit of rewriting, would have been perfect for demonstrating how Al-Qaeda is only a small percentage of Muslims; that the other 1.6 BILLION Muslims out there are just as much victims of terrorism as any other innocent. But no, instead of having her be the victim, Amina, who I just recently discovered was the name of the prophet Mohammed's mother, CUTE, is the perpetrator of mass murder. What was even the point of that scene if it wasn't just to show that all Muslims are evil? I mean, narratively, it served no point. The story of The Fixer and Natalie Stack is not improved by knowing about the suicide bomber or her sudden decision to drink alcohol. And this is also despite her religion being against it, which further confuses things. What's the point of having her do that? To show that Muslims are hypocrites? Dear lord, this book is dumb.
Oh, and speaking of dumb, we once again have the narration captions start with:
Narrator: Natalie Stack. Cat burglar. Reeling.
Linkara [v/o]: And then the captions in Natalie's first person perspective with nothing to distinguish them. Hell, it's even worse in this case when they're stacked on top of each other. It really seems like Natalie talks about herself in the third-person.
Stack: The Fixer holds me up. He's got a tremble running through him, too. But his is angry. Like he wants to start killing people. I've got a goddamn nail stuck in my goddamn leg.
Linkara: Ah, now I know why this book is designed like it is. So we can conveniently hit ourselves with it because of the tedious and repetitive dialogue. [irately uses the book to hit himself in the face.]
Stack: Me and The Fixer, we don't know what we cough up or who.
Linkara: [confused] [beat] Ar... Are you two cannibals?
Stack: It's thick. It's like breathing poisoned chalk.
Linkara [v/o]: These scenes are meant to imply that they're being consumed by the smoke and ash from the explosions. And honestly, I couldn't tell at first. That line is a pretty good one, understandable given the easy comparison to the dust clouds created by the World Trade Center towers' collapse. But, like I said, I couldn't tell at first because it doesn't look all that different from when it was just the rain. It looks like Frank was pressing napkins or paper towels into the place to create the smoke effects and it would've looked very effective if not for all the damn rain from earlier that looked so similar. He just replaced one bloated image of art gone mad with another.
Stack: Fixer sucks in a load of something ghastly. He pukes it back out.
Linkara: What? I thought you said earlier you wanted him to make you sick.
Linkara [v/o]: It goes quiet for a brief second and another explosion soon follows, except this time instead of nails it's razor blades. Again, great distance on these things, especially now since we've got co-ordinated explosions all over the damn place from what I presume are small explosives hidden under jackets. For some reason, it completely baffles me that Natalie Stack takes off one of her boots and yells, "DAMN," in huge letters. Hell, she did it one-handed. That's a pretty loose-fitting boot, then. Why would she do that in the middle of a razor blade storm? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Ugh, wait. Could it be The Fixer took it off?
[Cut to clip from "The A Team" episode: Children of Jamestown.]
Hannibal Smith: He stole my boots. Nobody steals my boots.
Linkara [v/o]: And then, Natalie Stack is falling and yelling bootless for dear life and then, suddenly, a rope pulls her back up and she's being carried by The Fixer and, her boot is back on again? What?
[Cut to clip from MST3K episode: "The She-Creature"]
Mike Nelson: Space is warped and time is bendable.
Stack: Who is this man, this Fixer?
Linkara: [imitating Stack] This cutter of animal balls.
Stack: Why does he do it, risking his life, hunting down criminals, saving people? There can't be any money in it.
Linkara: Believe it or not, it's actually a pyramid scheme. He rescues one person, they dress up in superhero garb and rescue two more, et cetera, et cetera.
Linkara [v/o]: And then a full page of people's heads, about fifty of them in total, all drawn in Miller's scratchy, slightly cartoonish style. They fade to white on the one page and then on the next it's all completely white for another seventy-eight small panels. I'll give him credit, while Miller's art style grates on me these days, this is an effective two pages and uh-- wait. There's a third page, now with two-hundred-eight small panels. And now, this is overkill. The point was more effective with just the two pages worth. I could only imagine how silly this would actually have been if this really was in regular comic formatting, six pages of it, four of which consisted of nothing but blank white rectangles. At that point, it just becomes parody.
Linkara: I would not have been surprised if the next page would have had five-hundred tiny squares and the editor would have finally had to step in and tell Frank, "Enough! We get the point!" But Frank would scream, "NO! MY POINT IS NOT CLEAR ENOUGH! MORE TINY RECTANGLES!! MO-O-O-O-O-O-ORE!!!!"
Linkara [v/o]: Oh, by the way, I've been trying to give the benefit of the doubt to this, but I just did a count. If we only include pages after the made-up Mohammed quote, the book is only actually 109 pages. If we include the all-white panel pages, fifty-six pages of those 109 pages are splash pages. Literally more than half of this book is made up of splash pages. Even when Frank is working on a passion project of his, he's extraordinarily lazy. And while visually, and from a narrative perspective, plenty of them are fine as splash pages, it's also rendered this book holy without story. We've actually reached the half-way point of the comic. Yeah, we're at the half-way point and we are still only on the first plot point, the terrorist attack.
Linkara: This episode is quickly becoming as long as the 200th episode and yet even less happened than in One More Day. HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
Linkara [v/o]: Also, a page of what I presume is supposed to be random destruction and debris, but with a red heel and... I had no idea what this green thing was at first, but it was pointed out to me that it is in fact a car. Looks kind of like the one from Action Comics Number 1, to be honest. What the hell is the perspective, here? There's another car that I can make out more clearly in the black and white, but then HUGE-ASS RED SHOE. Or is this just Frank Miller saying that he was a huge fan of the Red Shoe Diaries, back in the day? Upon seeing this wanton destruction and graphic black, white, and red shoe and green car, Not-Batman and Not-Catwoman give their reactions.
Fixer: "No." "Not on my watch."
Stack: "Not on my turf."
Linkara: Not on my horribly-drawn and horribly-inked pages. Seriously, is it just me or do they have the exact same face, here?
Linkara [v/o]: We cut to a police station, at least what I presume is a police station, where there's general pandemonium, or at least what passes for it. We have cops getting reports about what's going on, but the weird thing is they seem to be receiving them on their walkie-talkies. I suppose it would kind of make sense that they'd switch to more primitive tech, since it's likely cellphone traffic would create too much pandemonium. Except, that the things that they're talking about look like the things you'd talk about on cellphones, yet they're not being held in a cellphone-like way.
Police Woman: Oh, baby, no-- Not Carla... Not Carla.
Linkara [v/o]: Like, did this policewoman give a walkie-talkie to a friend or her husband or something? It's clearly someone she knows who's informing her. I guess it could be another cop, but still. And the other guy in a walkie-talkie,,,
Police Man: Yes, Ma'am. I'll tell him just as soon as he takes a breath."
Linkara [v/o]: Who the hell is he talking to? Hey, wait a second. I just realized something. A policewoman. We have a policewoman on the force. And she's not being sexualized, not talking about sex, not having sex, and not being a victim. I mean, yeah, she's talking about someone she cares about who's apparently dead, but that's just human. Is this... Is this the first time that's happened in a Frank Miller book I've reviewed?
Linkara: Sweet merciful crap, Christmas has come early! Frank Miller has a female character WHO'S AN ACTUAL HUMAN BEING!!
[We hear sounds of cheering and applause. The video cuts to footage from UHF, while interlaced with Linkara blowing kisses, blowing his party noise maker, and celebrating. The celebration is interrupted by Linkara's phone, with the ringtone from "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap. Linkara answers. The person he talks to is his future self (played by his real father) talking through a futuristic communication device accompanied by Pollo.]
Future Linkara: Uh, Linkara. Hey Linkara. Linkara, it's me. I mean, you. I mean, you from the future.
Linkara: [confused] 'kay.
Future Linkara: Hey, I just wanted to remind you. You know, she's not really a character. She's just a background element. She doesn't even have a name. So, it really doesn't matter.
Linkara: You've pierced the bounds of space and time to tell me that?
Future Linkara: Um, people are going to bring that up in the comment section and it kind of turns you, um, hostile and bitter and kind of a jerk.
Linkara: That sounds highly implausible.
Future Linkara: Yeah, implausible. heh-heh yeah, implausible. But it's as implausible as shipping, uh, Revolution of the Mask or History of Power Rangers in any kind of timely fashion.
Linkara: Man, I am a jerk in the future.
Future Linkara: All right, Bye. See ya.
Linkara [v/o]: So, anyway, back to the comic, and we meet Not-Jim Gordon, who looks exactly like Jim Gordon. Frank didn't even try to make him look different. In this, he's Dan Donegal. Also, check out the way he's walking. What the hell is it with horrible comics and bizarre walking? Remember how the girl with red hair in One More Day walked? Yeah, it's happening again, only somehow an even stupider walk!
[Cut to Linkara mimicking the same walk done in the comic. I couldn't stop laughing while editing this.]
Donegal: Tell Liebowitz I want his flabby ass commanding the East End-- and tell him to keep the local slime from partying all over Empire City!
Linkara: Now I imagine Empire City is actually some kind of fantasy RPG setting with slime creatures that you have to battle for easy XP early in the game.
Linkara [v/o]: Oh, check it out. I'm not kidding about the spilled white-out idea. You can get away with your sloppy paint job to imitate rain and explosions, but what the hell are all these white dots everywhere supposed to represent? And Donegal's cigarette is exiting his mouth horizontally as it drops out. Where in the hell does Frank live that he thinks objects fall sideways? Did he draw this book while he was glued to the side of a wall? And then on this page, i...
[We see a page featuring a drawing of a Al-Qaeda terrorist. The head scarf is almost entirely wrapped around its face, except for its eyes. Not to mention, the fabric made for the scarf has a bizarre checkerboard-like textile. Cut to Linkara looking confused, cut back to the page, cut back to Linkara, cut back to the page, cut back to Linkara]
Linkara: The hell are you looking at?
Linkara [v/o]: Well, I shouldn't expect an answer because now it's time for quiet panels of nothing. Well, I say nothing to distinguish from the nothing we had earlier. We have a series of images. I see somebody in a shroud, or possibly just a bad silhouette, holding a rocket launcher, some guys protesting somewhere, then, George W. Bush? And then Michael Moore. There is no dialogue here, people. There is no text. I have no idea what the hell this is supposed to indicate. There are three pages of this, just random shots of people's heads, some terrorists, smoke stacks, then a suicide bomber, some nails and razor blades, a Muslim woman, at least I presume it to be a woman, holding up the peace sign, doors with the Star of David opening up on what I presume to be another cloud of smoke or explosion. Is this like one of those Make-Your-Own Stories for kids kind of things, where we're supposed to write in our own dialogue and make up our own scene? Also, I'm sure that the nails and razor blades are just supposed to be symbolic, but frankly, with how many times he keeps repeating the image, I'm getting the impression that they're still flying through the air after this long. Why not? Everything else seems to defy gravity in this comic. And on the next page... uh, wait. Is that the head of Woody Allen? Er, anyway, The Fixer and Natalie Stack swing through the negative zone, or whatever all this white space is. Probably some kind of other-dimensional realm or something. Like with everything falling, the leaking blood from their injuries, at least, again, I presume it's blood, they could actually be disintegrating, is falling sideways. Also,Subway sandwich thighs on Natalie Stack. Goodie!
Narrator: The Fixer. Out for blood:
Linkara: [imitating narrator] The Fixer: Out for Lunch.
Linkara [v/o]: I think the idea of these caption panels saying their names and what they're doing is supposed to indicate who's talking now, but it just such a stupid way of doing this. Why not just have colored captions?
Fixer: They know where to hit us. They know exactly where to hit us.
[Cut to clip from "Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan"]
Spock: They knew exactly where to hit us.
Fixer: "All my life, there's been something wrong. Something missing. A sense that everything I'm seeing all around me isn't entirely true."
Linkara: [imitating The Fixer] It's almost like the entire premise for my existence as a fictional character is based on inaccuracies and bigoted nonsense. But that can't be it.
Fixer: "That this seemingly ordered world of laws and logic and reason is nothing but a shroud. A camera" [Caption appears: "'Chimera', not camera"] "A mask."
Linkara: When the hell has our world ever been an "ordered" one of "laws and logic"? We live in a world where, on some days, we can't tell if it's a parody news article from The Onion OR A REAL THING HAPPENING!!
Future Linkara: We'll be back in a few short messages. And after all, I should know. I'm from the future.
Future Linkara: We're back. See, I told you.
Fixer: I've got a captain on the force.
Stack: "You're sh***ing me.
Linkara: Well, in this story, you would know feces.
Linkara [v/o]: When The Fixer says that it's Captain Donegal, Natalie repeats the "crapping her" remark and does the splits in midair.
Fixer: Every once in a long while, the mask falls off. Every once in a long while, the whole world makes perfect sense. The world reveals itself.
Linkara: [as The Fixer] A new Sailor Moon anime is coming. The world makes perfect sense again.
Fixer: With a wild laugh, she let's got of my--
Linkara [v/o]: OH, GOOD GOD, THIS ARTWORK!!! Natalie Stack has suddenly become a body builder with massive shoulders and biceps, boob socks, a cracked spine, and arms almost as thick as her thighs. You know what's really sad? There are so many talented artists out there, so many people who've done, say, fanart for this show or, or, just amateur webcomic artists, who do so much better work out there who honestly deserve a chance at comics. And then I see garbage like this getting printed and sold for thirty dollars and I just weep. Frank Miller still gets work. That's how you know this world doesn't make any sense.
Fixer: She flies. I hope I'm not in love with her. I've never fallen in love.
[Linkara does the "What is Love" lip-syncing and bobbing head joke again.]
Fixer: I never want to fall in love. I must never fall in love. Never.
Linkara: [as The Fixer] The girl cooties would just interfere in my mission of fixing things.
Linkara [v/o]: [whiny childish voice] "I must never fall in love." [normal] Dear god, Frank. When did you become a twelve-year-old kid writing crappy Batman fanfics?
Fixer: We come to Earth.
Linkara: Conformation that these characters are, in fact, aliens.
Linkara [v/o]: And despite them "coming to Earth," they still swing and travel around some more on the next two pages. According to the following page, that was representative of them "searching for clues." Yeah, and it's only NOWthat we get our next plot point. The Fixer calls Donegal on his two-way wrist radio, helpfully pointed out in this caption, lest we fear that he's just a crazy person talking to his watch, not an unfounded concern, I must say. Donegal reports that they have a lead. One of the terrorists tried to suicide bomb a saloon, but his explosives didn't go off.The crowd, recognizing the danger he posed, quickly attacked him and a nearby cop managed to get the guy out of there before the drunken patrons killed him.
Linkara: Actually, here's a thought. It's only NOW that they have any evidence that it was an Islamic terrorist. I mean, yes, we the readers knew it was them, but The Fixer didn't, Natalie Stack didn't, the cops didn't. All they knew was that there were multiple explosions. It could have been a Timothy McVeigh type or a militia group. You don't have to rule out foreign attack, but I'm just saying they IMMEDIATELY jumped on that bandwagon.
Linkara [v/o]: But Whatever, Donegal reports that he's in a medical helicopter and they'll question him as soon as his lungs work.
Fixer: No, you moron! Aren't you good for anything?
Linkara: Can this marriage be saved?
Fixer: Land that chopper, now! Those creeps are organized-- They know where each other is.
Linkara: Wouldn't they assume that he was in several pieces?
Fixer: --and they've got stinger missiles.
Linkara: How the hell do you know that?
Linkara [v/o]: And why would they still be in the city beyond the suicide bombings. The 9/11 attacks weren't a prelude to a military invasion. This isn't friggin' Red Dawn here. They were designed to cripple the economy, the defense department, and potentially other areas in a single suicide attack using airplanes as bombs. But NO, it seems that the Jihadists knew exactly what chopper it was and where to set themselves up to shoot, since the stinger missile quickly hits and destroys the helicopter.
Fixer: Stinger missiles. And no regard for human life. None for the vacant medics struggling to save their comrade----And none for their comrade himself.
Linkara: Well, to be fair, he was already on the dock for the suicide bombing, so I don't think they were all that concerned about his continued existence.
Linkara [v/o]: "No regard for human life," huh? Yeah. Not being concerned about the sanctity of life is monstrous, isn't it? So, how does The Fixer respond to this?
Fixer: Let's get us some killing done.
[Cut to a crowd of people and cos-players at a convention room groaning and facepalming.]
Linkara [v/o]: I mean... Is this a parody comic? Have I been wrong this whole time? There's no separation there. On one page, terrorists are evil because they have no regard for human life. On second page, The Fixer wants to kill people. Or terrorists aren't people, I don't know, screw this comic!
Fixer: The rain eases up. Now there's just floaty white stuff.
Linkara: ... Do you not know what smoke is?
Fixer: Maybe it's paper from the explosions. Maybe it's ash.
Linkara: Maybe it's a crappy artist who didn't draw any backgrounds.
Linkara [v/o]: So conveniently, The Fixer and Natalie Stack go right near the terrorists who fire the stinger missiles, so they leap down to attack.
Terrorists: Triumph! Praise Allah! Oh, hell!
Linkara: [as terrorists] Why are all we speaking in English?
Linkara [v/o]: And, in what is supposed to be deliberate irony, The Fixer begins shooting the terrorists repeatedly. The caption box proclaiming:
Fixer: We engage in post-modern diplomacy.
[Cut to Linkara forcefully laughing. The laughter starts pleasantly but after a few seconds, it grows more and more angry.]
Linkara [v/o]: Criminy, this artwork. Let's ignore the cartoon eyes on the guy down there, and focus really on Natalie Stack, who has apparently gained the power of Akira with her giant claw-like arm. Her bicep is wider than her head. Her spine is tilting back as she makes this bizarre sweeping motion that I presume is supposed to be pulling series of flesh out from a giant terrorist. But really, it just looks like a bunch of strings that are falling from this guy's outfit. And now, images of people who I presume to be the terrorists that the two are killing.
Fixer: We give them exactly what they want----Minus the innocent victims.
Linkara: They wanted to be shot to death by a vigilante?
Linkara [v/o]: Oh, and look, the giant ridiculous knife from the cover actually is in the book. Natalie Stack picks it up and swings it at a terrorist, hitting with such force and accuracy that it decapitates one, a terrorist who apparently had wrapping around his entire head, except his eyes and mouth. These... these really are mummies, aren't they?
Linkara: My god, we, we've had it wrong the whole time. Frank Miller isn't racist or Islamophobic or bigoted. He's trying to inform us of the true evil, the darkest force that is trying to destroy modern-day America with its army of mummies, ANCIENT EGYPT!!!
[Cut to a photo of Giza Pyramids accompanied by John Williams's "Imperial March"]
Linkara [v/o]: Or not, as we see one, who of course has to explosives tied to himself, proudly proclaims, "JIHAD," and clicks his explosives. Unfortunately, for him they apparently have a three-second delay, which allows The Fixer to kick him off the roof and proclaim, "Gesundheit!"
[Cut to a clip from True Lies.]
Harry Tasker: You're fired.
Linkara [v/o]: A-a-a-and he explodes. Apparently, every one of the suicide bombers earlier have the really good bombs since this one only takes out the guy without any other damage, no nails or razor blades this time.
Linkara: Is it standard operating procedure for all members of Al Qaeda to wear explosives like this? Seems like it would be really embarrassing if somebody tripped.
Linkara [v/o]: The Fixer tells Natalie Stack that they need to keep one of them alive to talk.
Fixer: We'll have to torture him.
[Linkara glares at the camera in disbelief.]
Stack: Torture. Okay. I'm down with that.
[Linkara glares at the camera in disbelief. Cut to a clip from Scrubs: episode "My Own Personal Hell."]
Doctor Cox: You know, as a doctor, I rarely root for the disease. But, with you, I find myself cheering, "Go, hypercalcemia with underlying M.E.N. syndrome, Go go, go.
Linkara [v/o]: And so, yes, they proceed to torture the final terrorist. They hang him by all of his limbs, stand on his back, and The Fixer prepares to slam his foot down on his spine to injure him further.
Fixer: So Mohammed, pardon me for guessing your name, but you've got to admit the odds are pretty good it's Mohammed-- What's the plan?
[Cut to Linkara: He sighs, closes the comic, takes off his glasses, and rubs his eyes.]
Linkara: [Out of character] You know, I sometimes get asked why Camelot of all films is my favorite movie... And the reason is... because it actually changed my life, or at least ... focused my beliefs into something that was... you know, a good solid foundation for a personal philosophy... um, those who have power should use it... to do good. Uh, that violence is not strength, compassion's not weakness, that revenge is utterly pointless. Superheroes... are basically the equivalent of modern-day knight-errants. They go out and help people and fight injustices. But... a lot of the best superhero comics... are the ones... not actually about superheroes hitting supervillains, or hitting each other or anything like that. It's the ones that show that superheroes... are about kindness and decency and something far more noble than the... adolescent power fantasies that... people often... you know... critique them as.
[After a long pause, he takes a deep breath and holds up Holy Terror.]
I think... I hate this comic... more than ANY other I've reviewed.... Because... it is the complete antithesis... of everything I believe in.
Linkara [v/o]: Holy Terror says that you should be unkind. It says you shouldn't trust people. It says compassion will be repaid with violence and that violence can only be answered with more violence and that violence is strength. That hurting others is not only enjoyable and desirable, but it should be employed first when dealing with threats. It says that if you have power, you can lord that power over others and do harm to them. It says that revenge is a worthy cause. It treats women as either victims or enemies, and don't assume Natalie Stack is immune to this criticism. Trust me, the book ain't over yet. It tells us we should fear the other, the foreigner, the dark-skinned, the religion that's not your own. And you know what the damnest thing of all is? I am, honest to god, afraid of terrorism. Terrorism is real. There are people out there who want to kill me either because I'm from a different country or just because there's some angry misanthrope with a gun. That applies to both foreign and domestic terrorists.
Linkara: Terrorism is about making someone so afraid that they'll do what you tell them to. And the grand message of Frank Miller's Holy Terror is: "Be afraid, be terrified, and let's give in to that fear, and embrace every dark, sick and inhuman part of our souls as a result and do EVERYTHING TO THEM THAT THEY WILL DO TO US!!" Frank....you must be so proud.
Linkara [v/o]: So, behold, The Fixer, as he breaks a man's spine when he refuses to talk, crippling him for life, and then threatening to take out his eyes. Our hero, everyone.
Linkara: [Putting back on his glasses] But, I'm sure, you're all sick of me making a speech. So, instead, we'll talk about how THIS SCENE IS REALLY FRIGGIN' STUPID!!
Linkara [v/o]: We'll ignore the moral argument about torture in general, regardless of the fact that torture is an ineffective method of gaining information. Oh no, let's just stick to the idiotic dialogue. You're already aware of the horribly bigoted remark The Fixer said about the guy's name, but there's just so much more.
Stack: You'd better listen to him, Moe. The Fixer is a gentle soul, but when he gets riled, well, he's been known to hurt people.
Linkara: Oh, yeah, he's as calm and gentle as a frickin' old lady baking cookies. I especially noticed that about him when he was shooting people in the head and kicking them off buildings.
Fixer: Al Qaeda's not going to stop a few scattered atrocities. That's not your style. You're leading up to something big.
[Cut to clip from Captain America (1979).]
Dr. Mills: But why? Brackett is no mad dog killer, he is after something.
Linkara: That's probably the dumbest misconception about Al Qaeda right there. THAT IS EXACTLY AL QAEDA'S STYLE!! THEY'RE NOT A FRIGGIN' STANDING ARMY WITH MILLIONS OF ORGANIZED SOLDIERS, THEY'RE A GUERILLA FORCE!!!
Linkara [v/o]: I mean this is conspiracy-theory-level stupidity. That people can't understand that small-scale operations can have large consequences and devastating affects. Except that while, usually, conspiracy theorists surmise that terrorists weren't behind 9/11 because of that short-sightedness, Frank actually goes to the OTHER extreme, that it's just a sign of BIGGER attacks! So, yeah, the guy talks apparently vaguely informing them that something big is coming. And then they use a device that The Fixer has to remotely detonate his explosives.
Stack: Yeesh, that's a lot of chunk of terrorist.
Fixer: At least we know they're the same species.
Linkara: I'd just like to remind you all that The Fixer is a gentle soul.... I fricking hate this comic.
Linkara (v/o): And three more pictures of people, including what I presume to be a very frazzle-haired Sarah Palin. And then people in a movie theater watching giant robots fighting with MST3K-style silhouettes. Fortunately, as I have demonstrated in this very review, I am armed with my own MST3K clips.
(Cut to clip from MST3K, of course, episode: "Riding with Death")
Tom Servo: Well, It's hardly worth it, but -- Boooo!
Linkara (v/o): And then a woman being stoned to death, after being buried in the sand up to her head. And then a World's Greatest Dad mug next to a dinosaur? Whenever you have a point, Frank, feel free to let us know. Anyway, The Fixer calls up one of his "colleagues."
Linkara: No doubt a Superman analog named The Swinger or something.
Fixer: I'm tired. Let's steal a car.
Linkara: What a gentle soul.
Linkara (v/o): And yeah, they steal a cop car and listen in on the police radio. And what does he hear on the radio? That the terrorists attack and destroy the Blind Justice statue, aka the Statue of Liberty analog for Empire City. Oh, but I should probably point out how they destroy the statue. You see, the terrorists have jets, with missiles. Yeah, surprised? Boy, I sure as hell was.
Linkara: May I ask, what, maybe a stupid question? If you have fully-equipped and capable military hardware, including missile-armed jet planes and stinger missiles, and you have massive attack planned on the city, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU RESORTING TO SUICIDE BOMBERS?
Linkara (v/o): You waste perfectly good soldiers under your command when you could just annihilate the city from a distance. What's the point of suicide bombing like that? Why not just throw the explosives into a crowded room and run? Did those assholes owe people money or something? Or is this just Al-Qaeda's plan to weed out all the really DUMB members of their organization? You know like-- Oh, there's Steve. Dude always spills his soda on the gunpowder. Let's make sure he doesn't mess this one up! DOES FRANK MILLER NOT UNDERSTAND HOW TERRORISM WORKS? IF THEY HAVE THE RESOURCES TO LAUNCH THIS KIND OF MASSIVE ASSAULT, THEY DON'T NEED SUICIDE BOMBERS!! AT THIS POINT, I'M NOT GOING TO BE SURPRISED IF THEY HAVE A NUKE, TOO!! Oh, enjoy some more heads, this time including President Obama, Vice President Biden, Kim Jong-Il for some reason, some regular military, and some silhouettes of fists at a burning flag.
Linkara: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, FRANK?! AT LEAST THE DUMBASS TALKING HEADS FROM THE DARK KNIGHT STRIKES AGAIN WERE SAYING THINGS! WHAT IS THE STATEMENT YOU'RE MAKING WHEN YOU JUST... SHOW... THE HEADS WITH NO DIALOGUE OR CAPTIONS?!! IT'D BE LIKE SUDDENLY CUTTING TO STILL IMAGES OF THE OTHER THATGUYWITHTHEGLASSES PRODUCERS FOR NO REASO--
Linkara (v/o): So, yeah. The Fixer has apparently been brought to complete silence by the destruction of the Blind Justice statue. No, it's not the death and carnage all around him that's made him speechless...it's the destruction of a statue. And look, I get it. Seeing an important symbol like that getting destroyed is demoralizing, but, frankly, you should count your damn blessings that they didn't turn those missiles on the city itself, asshole! Anyway, he still says this is just the beginning...
Linkara: WE'RE SERIOUSLY STILL JUST BEGINNING?! WE'RE ON PAGE NINETY-THREE!!!
Linkara (v/o): The Fixer takes Natalie to some abandoned factory to talk with a guy and his two flunkies, women who push out their asses behind them in an almost Rob-Leifeld-esque distortion of body positions.
Stack: Beautiful Asian twins. You guys are so obvious.
Linkara: They are? What's obvious? What are you talking about- Did we miss some dialogue?! Since we apparentlydecided to actually have a plot, in the final part of the book?!
Linkara (v/o): Ugh, anyway, the guy that The Fixer came to see is a guy with a blue Star of David tattooed on his face. Oh, what new spore of madness is this? Oh, and I'm not kidding about the plot condensing. With twenty-four pages remaining in the comic, Frank apparently decided to fit all the backstory and plot onto one page and twenty-four panels! Star of David guy is named, of course, David. He's an ex-Mossad agent who got kicked out for being too EXTREEEEME in his interrogation methods. David apparently enlisted The Fixer to join him if a night like this came. David's figured out something's going on at the telecom building and he's assembling mercenaries to deal with it, while The Fixer deals with the "south side action," though nobody actually knows what that is.
Stack: And what's the story with those Killer Geishas of his?
Linkara: "Killer Geishas?" You mean the two Asian ladies in skin-tight black suits? So, not satisfied with being racist towards Arabs, apparently we've expanded to Japanese racism!! Why not? Since, Frank apparently really loved the 1940's propaganda comics UNIRONICALLY!!
Fixer: Tara and Anika. Two of his best students. They'd die for him, if they weren't so busy killing for him.
Linkara (v/o): ...Or, rather, killing for The Fixer, since he immediately says that he has ordered them to kill the police commissioner. Said commissioner is corrupt and is actually working for the terrorists, misdirecting every squad car in town and leaving the city wide open to attack. So yeah, more cold-blooded murder from the "gentle soul" that is The Fixer.
Stack: The mayor -- What would he say?
Linkara: (confused look) Who cares?
Fixer: Aw, it'll make you sick. He'll haul out a bushel basket of kids. Family is always the excuse.
Linkara: Excuse for wha- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Linkara (v/o): And now time for backstory for The Fixer.
Stack: You got yourself a family, crime-stopper?
Fixer: No. Never.
Linkara: (The Fixer) I was never born. In fact, I'm just a figment of your imagination.
Stack: Murdered parents? An exploded planet?
Fixer: Don't be silly.
Linkara: (sarcastically) Ohhh, why stop now?
Stack: Then why fight crime?
Fixer: Practice. Staying in shape. Getting ready for tonight. I've spent my whole life getting ready for tonight.
Linkara: (puts the comic down and looks up in disbelief) ...That is the laziest bunch of bullcrap motivation in writing I have seen in a LONG time!! I know you lost the Batman stuff, Frank, but you could have given him SOMETHING!! An ex-soldier, a guy whose family died on 9/11, just friggin' SOMETHING!
Linkara (v/o): Why even bother bringing it up if you're just gonna half-ass it like this? Oh, and he admits that he's falling in love with Natalie Stack. Well, whoopity-doo dah!! You both have as much personality as that blank white space that's apparently a background, so we really care about your romance that will go nowhere and amount to nothing that just sprung up!!
Linkara: It's sad really, after all this is over, they'll split up because of their different personalities and interests.... But at least they'll always have terrorism.
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, after a caricature of Obama, we see a presumably Muslim man beat his wife for no reason. Nope, this is totally about terrorism and not Frank's own deep-seated issues. So, back to the plot, or rather this low-fat imitation plot we've been served, the two arrive at "The Oldest Mosque in Empire City," which The Fixer is sure to let us know that it was paid for by the Saudis and is really huge and mysterious. Without any cops or soldiers around, you'd think the National Guard would have arrived by this point, or does Frank assume that the military is controlled by the local police too, just to build on his evergrowing list of things he doesn't actually understand, it's up to the two of them to stop Al Qaeda.
Stack: You'd think the police choppers would be swarming like hornets.
Fixer: That'd be profiling. So we watch them from space.
Linkara (v/o): I--- What? And then he calls someone he only identifies as "general" and says to aim one of their "pea shooters" at Empire City. Natalie asks who he called.
Fixer: Someone who doesn't command orbiting laser cannons that don't exist.
(Cut to a clip from Highlander: The Source.)
Methos: Or that could just be an orbital wobble.
Stack: You're telling me you're going to blast a mosque with a laser from outer space?
Fixer: I don't know. I'm exploring options.
(Cut to Linkara looking quite depressed. He pauses for a minute and turns to his left.)
Linkara: Hmm? No, Beppo the Invisible Monkey, I have not gone insane yet ...But I think I soon will.
Linkara (v/o): He sends Natalie inside to get intel, telling her to get something to hide her face.
Stack: You sure as hell better watch my back.
Fixer: There's no back I'd rather watch.
Linkara: TIME AND PLACE, ASSHOLE!!
Linkara (v/o): Also, giant snail. Probably just a statue, but maybe this is actually all part of a spiral curse from "Uzamaki". It'd explain a whole lot. And Natalie, where did you get that trapeze line? Why do you look so bored?
(clip from MST3K, episode: "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank")
Mike: Isn't it weird how life imitates art, and I'm like, sleeping right now too?
Servo and Fingal: Yeah.
Linkara (v/o): So she mugs a random woman and takes her full body concealing attire.
Stack: The night wind blows away seven centuries.
Linkara: The hell does that even--(just gives up) You know what, I don't care.
Linkara (v/o): To make a long--well, not really that long, since all this comic's story is in its final act--To make a short, but dull story even shorter, she makes her way down farther in the mosque that anyone ever thought was there. It turns out there's some kind of ancient underground city below sea level that Al-Qaeda has taken over, and populated with hundreds of fully armed soldiers. None of whom are wearing helmets, just all the bandages, but why would we expect things to make sense after ancient underground city underneath a mosque?! Actually, there are helmets, specifically Spartan helmets littering the place. I'd say it was just Frank being cute and referencing 300, but I don't think he's that clever.
Stack: Archeologists have only been able to shake their heads, bewildered by its ornaments, its architecture. Some say it was built by a race of madmen.
Linkara: I sincerely doubt that, since this is the first legitimately detailed background we've had in the entire damn comic!
Linkara (v/o): Ohhhh, and a big lake of Pepto-Bismol. I don't get it. Also, some guy with a white beard. He's apparently Irish, according to the comic, but given Frank's prior experience writing Irish characters, or rather Irish ninja Black Canary, I'm not exactly sold on this. Also, he calls the terrorists "sand monkeys". Guess everyone is racist today. The Irish guy sees through Natalie's fake accent right away, but doesn't care. Because I guess he's an idiot! But he's especially one, because he outlined Al-Qaeda's entire plan: that they smuggled components from 37 countries, and assembled this giant device. Extensively some kind of a large bomb.
Irish Guy: I just now got the whole works put together, and a fine piece of folderal she is. But damn those Russkies to hell's own belly. From thirty seven countries they smuggle the components - thirty seven, no less - and not a soul among them's got the god-given wits to see they're reading their blessed blueprints upside down. So upside down she is.
Linkara: The hell does THAT mean?! If YOU assembled it, doesn't that mean YOU put it together upside down?! And--it's just upside down blueprints, if it came shipped that way, then turn it right side up!!
Stack: Listening to this man makes my brain hurt.
Linkara: You and me both! WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING NOW?!!
Linkara (v/o): The woman Natalie stole the clothes from was supposed to be carrying a trigger for the device, but naturally she doesn't have it. With no other choice, she has to reveal herself, but here's this stupidity for you:
Stack: They look at murder like they're giving with a mitzvah. They get their rocks off giving their own death a big, wet French kiss. But they're still scared of girls. I give the boys a nano-second of fishnet shock.
Linkara: Aaaand then they immediately detain her or shoot her, right? Because they're not stupid and that's not the purpose of the face and body concealing clothes!
Linkara (v/o): No, they just look in shock, which allows Natalie to kill the Irish guy with boot to the head, then evade the gunfire of the soldiers (pauses) Wait, is that a T-Rex? The hell? Um, and then she dives into the pink, and the rest of the page and the following one...are all in pink.
Linkara: (distraught) Oh, my God...it's finally happened. This is what happens WHEN THERE'S TOO MUCH PINK ENERGY!! THIS IS WHY TOO MUCH PINK ENERGY IS DANGEROUS!!
Stack: Give my regards to those 72 black-eyed virgins, you son of a bitch.
Linkara: It's really hard for me to muster up any more contempt for this book and its writer than I already have. Plus, it's really hard for me to be snarky about any of this, when the entire battle is being waged in pink lemonade.
Future Linkara: Three...two...one, okay, it's time for the commercials. I should know - I'm from the future.
Future Linkara: Five...four--wait a second, you guys are back early! I'll have to figure out what that means for the space-time continuum...
Linkara (v/o): They quickly capture Natalie and--what the hell...? They tied her up in Japanese rope bondage?! I, I don't--WHAT?! Oh, this is what I meant earlier, sexualized Natalie Stack in rope bondage as a hostage waiting for the Fixer to rescue her. Of course! Oh, and it's finally time to meet the leader of the operation. The grand puppeteer who has manipulated the police commissioner, destroyed a large statue, organized jets and invasio--(unable to continue as he starts breaking down laughing)--and what the hell is that?!! Ahaha! His entire body is covered in beads except for his mouth! And those beads are underneath his robe and turban! This guy actually dressed himself like this! He CHOSEto put this stuff on!
(cut to clip from MST3K, episode: "The Undead")
Mike: There. Sure glad I don't look stupid in this.
Linkara (v/o): Wait, wait, wait a second, I know exactly what's going on here, he's using the vibrating heat suit from Jimmy Tango's Fatbusters!
(cut to a clip of that, with Will Ferrell playing a male client wearing the suit)
Will Ferrell: I'm taking those speed pills of yours, and I'm wearing the vibrating heat beads! And by "Riding your Snake", not only have I lost 65 pounds in four days, but guess what? I found out I'm the DEVIL!!
Linkara (v/o): Oh, dear lord, this artwork is so awful! Look how tiny this guy is compared to Natalie Stack and the other terrorists! Apparently the leader of Al-Qaeda hails from the land of elves! Oh, and the absolute cherry on top of this sundae is the dialogue.
Terrorist Leader: Not all of us around here have a problem with English, my curvy young infidel.
Linkara: And not all of you have a problem with being a lecherous weirdo, you short beady...weirdo.
Terrorist Leader: And as my unfortunate Irish colleague demonstrates, our recruits aren't limited to those from the middle east--
Linkara: Um, by his own emission, he wasn't a recruit. You guys were paying him to build your bomb.
Terrorist Leader: And no, I didn't keep you alive just to gloat.
Linkara: It was also to leer at you. Also main character shields.
Terrorist Leader: Your beheading will make a bitch of a video. Maybe we'll do you nude, that'd put the fear of Allah in you.
Linkara: Are...are you real? Are you really what Frank Miller thinks the leadership of Al-Qaeda is like? (beat) That's adorable.
Terrorist Leader: Okay, alright, I'll gloat. You westerners slay me with your own naivete. We come right out and call ourselves Al-Qaeda--the cell--and you don't stop to consider what that means.
Linkara: You're big fans of that Jennifer Lopez sci-fi movie?
Linkara (v/o): And here's where we get the "Frank Miller paranoid rambles and conspiracy theories":
Terrorist Leader: We're scarcely a microbe--a speck, a tiny part of an organism so vast as to be beyond belief. Were I utterly at your mercy right this minute, bloody, beaten, sniveling like a baby, ready to tell you everything--even I could only provide the vaguest hint of the organization's size--or its true purpose.
Linkara: "True purpose"? What, are you actually aliens intent on using us as cattle? Al-Qaeda's been pretty clear about their "true purpose" the whole time!
Linkara (v/o): And apparently, they got the trigger they wanted anyway, so they ready their bomb. Except then silly-Al-Qaeda-leader-bead-man gets his arm blown off, as do the heads of the Muslim mummies. The Fixer comes swinging in wielding twin guns, some...kind of rocket cannon on his back, and a puke green face shield. After setting off some grenades, he slaps a green face mask on Natalie, and fires the big cannon at the bomb. We don't see it, but Natalie narrates to us as the terrorists who are still alive begin vomiting their own intestines and disintegrate. The bomb that Al-Qaeda was planning to detonate was some kind of chemical weapon. And so our comic ends six weeks later with Dan Donegal waking up from a nightmare of another nail explosion. Aaaand it's just describing how the city is kinda quiet, some people coughing and people suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.
Dan Donegal: No wonder we call it terror.
(Goofy font suddenly appears reading the following:)
Linkara (v/o): DUH END!
Linkara: This comic sucks! Sucks! Sucks! Sucks! SUCKS-SUCKS-SUCKS-SUCKS-SUCKS-SUUUUUCKS!!!!!(very long beat.) Sucks.
Linkara (v/o): Let's put aside the bigotry at full force here, the inaccuracies about Islam, and the horrible opinions of its critically-acclaimed writer and artist for the moment. I think I've gone over all of that in wonderful detail throughout this whole lengthy review. No, let's instead talk about everything else that's wrong with it. The writing is dreadful. There's no characterization here. People say words, but they're all plot-related stuff. The Fixer is a non-entity, same for Natalie Stack. They exist solely to beat up terrorists and talk about how awesome they are and how terrorists are assholes. That's it. Hell, why did this thing even end with Dan Donegal? He was in the story for like three or four pages before that ending. The plot itself is as weak as I'll get out: Terrorists attack, the two kill the remaining terrorists. That's all! And that leads me to a HUGE problem with the thing: the pacing. Over half of the book is dedicated to our "heroes" chasing each other, then the terrorists attack, and then them deciding to stop the terrorists. It takes us TWO-THIRDS of the way into the book before the two get their first clue, which ends up being a dud anyway to lead in to an action scene. It's only in the last third of the book that the plot actually gets around to moving forward and even then it's full of utter ridiculousness. Why the David guy? What purpose did he serve in the story? Why does he have The Star of David painted on his face? Why does he have two twin Asian assassins working for him? Why didn't the mosque have any guards or security systems to alert them of Natalie's presence? What was the deal with the bomb being upside-down? Why did Al-Qaeda need to subcontract some Irish guy to build their bomb? Don't they know how to make bombs? In fact, I'd assume that they were kind of experts on the subject. Why the conspiracy theory nonsense about Al-Qaeda being some huge leviathan organization with hidden motives beyond what we see? Frank Miller's always going on about how we need to deal with our big enemy Al-Qaeda and how America is too lazy and stupid to deal with them. So, why make up crap that will only alienate people from your cause? What the hell was the deal with that Al-Qaeda leader?
(Cut to clip from Batman Forever)
Bruce: It just raises too many questions.
Linkara (v/o): And then, there's the ART, the godawful, confusing, lazy ART! In a few spots, Frank Miller's legendary use of negative space is fine, but, most of the time, this book looks dreadful. People don't look like people, or are just bent in bizarre ways. There aren't any backgrounds, just blank white or black. The attempts of depicting weather just make everything look muddied and confused. Half the book is just splash pages, while other pages have far more panels than they need. And the splashes of color we DO get seem almost randomly placed with no rhyme or reason. Speaking of random, interludes featuring talking heads that don't talk, resulting in no context or sense behind their inclusion other than the fact that this was a politically charged book, so here are some politicians. And that, of course, brings us to the politics, the AWFUL politics of this book. It is a comic completely ungrounded in anything resembling reality, but not in a fun kind of way that a superhero comic should be. The Fixer is a racist bigoted individual who gladly tortures, kills, and mutilates his enemies with impunity. Al-Qaeda is not a guerilla terrorist faction, but some kind of massive organization employing apparently every Muslim under the sun to kill all those who would be innocent and kind and we are equally justified as treating them as sub-human. There is no chance for redemption or rehabilitation. There is no GOOD Muslim. They're either misguided victims, like the out-of-nowhere sequence where a woman is being beaten by presumably her husband, or they are mass murderers like Amina the exchange student or any of the other dozens of nameless terrorists encountered in this story. They're all stereotypes. And in the end, what is accomplished? Insulting a BILLION people for their religion, a story about a killer who murders other killers with NO personality of backstory, and a guy waking up from a nightmare because TERRORISM! THAT'S ALL!!!
Linkara: This book is a testament to four things:
(cut to a clip from the Twilight Zone, episode: Deaths-Head Revisited)
Narrator: Human slaughter, torture, misery, and anguish.
Linkara: It is the nail in the coffin for Frank Miller's career in mainstream comics. He said recently that he wants to work at Marvel and do Captain America, but even Marvel has laughed off that idea, because of this trash. And yes, it is trash.
(Linkara then stands up, sighs and goes out of character)
Linkara: Let me make something clear here in relation to the tagline of this show: "where bad comics burn". I am an advocate of free speech. I do not deny Frank Miller's right to publish this...thing, nor do I deny others the right to purchase it if they so choose. However...this copy belongs to me. It is my property. And I have decided...that I do not want it in my home any longer.
(Linkara then goes outside, and slams Holy Terror over his knee, bending it in half. He then uses a lighter to burn the comic and carefully places it in a can, and the camera focuses on the comic burning to ash. Fade to Linkara entering at his apartment. A mysterious man with golden vest, a goatee, and magic gun beams from nothing. They both point their guns at each other.)
Linkara: What the?
Mirrorkara: Ugh, it's me! Only less handsome.
Linkara: Who the hell are you? And why do you look like me, only with a stupid evil mirror universe goatee... ohh...
Mirrorkara: Yes, Linkara! I am you! But from another universe!
Linkara: Are you the one from the universe that Iron Liz visited a few years ago?
Mirrorkara: Indeed, I am! A transposition had taken place. Where is Iron Liz, anyway? I wish to gain my vengeance!
(Iron Liz enters the apartment with a rifle on her arm)
Iron Liz: Hey Linkara, I think I tracked down Judas Liz, can I bor ... (notices Linkara and Mirrorkara in the room)You're in the middle of something. I'll catch you later. (She leaves)
Linkara: She's around. She's just doing her own thing.
Mirrorkara: Well, I'll deal with her soon enough. But we seem to be at an impasse ourselves.
Linkara: What the hell are you doing here? Wait. Is your beard painted on?
Mirrorkara: Ugh. It's a long story involving Snowflame and some ice cream cake, but it's not important right now. The Iron Liz of your universe convinced the Dr. Insano of my universe to use my spaceship to keep me from conquering the world! Ever since then, I've been on the run. I figured that I'd try my luck outside my own universe.
Linkara: What the hell is it with alternate universe versions of me wanting to kick my ass? Did I miss a meeting?
Linkara: At this rate, Lord Vyce is gonna be revealed as an alternate me or something.
Mirrorkara: Be Quiet! I will give you one chance, Linkara. Join me and together we can rule this world.
Linkara: Not interested.
Mirrorkara: Be sure. There must be something that you want. You want credits? You'll be a rich man. What is it that will buy you? Power? I can get that for you!
Linkara: An answer to a question would be a good start. You've got a magic gun, Where'd you purchase that?
Mirrorkara: It's a weapon, forged by a demonic cult intent on spreading the word of their god. It destroyed the fools and found it's way into my possession.
(A virgin appears from behind Linkara wearing a crown of purple flowers)
Girl: And in this Mirror Universe of yours, was there a girl who was sacrificed by that cult, bored out of hatred and pain?
Mirror Girl: Hatred and pain? (laughs) You stupid little girl, I volunteered.
Virgin: You can shoot them now.
Linkara: (impatient) Shooting.
(The two Linkaras shoot red and green laser projectiles at each other. Linkara hides behind the wall near the kitchen. Mirror Universe Linkara continues firing.)
Linkara: Did you realize that you have like no room for cover right? I opened up a living room a while ago.
Mirrorkara: Really? Because there's a table right here. But then again, who needs cover when you've got superior technology. (pulls out a contraption) I did not come here unprepared, Linkara! Behold! The wonders of the arsenal oppression!
(Mirrorkara pushes a button on his device, causing Linkara's magic gun to glow)
Linkara: Nimue! Analysis
Nimue: Information: The device is similar in function to an anti-magic field generator. However, it's oppression method requires a brief amount of time to analyze and adapt.
Linkara: So, you're saying that I need to change up whatever I'm fighting with every minute or so.
Linkara: (sly) Ohhh okay, am I gonna have some fun.
(Pulls out his Gosei Power Releasement Vessel Tensouder)
Mirrorkara: Come out, Linkara! I have you cornered and disarmed!
Linkara: Hardly. Six years and three hundred episodes, I have not been idle.
(Linkara slips a card into the morpher's drawer. Lightning strikes as he shuts the drawer and changes into his Zeo suit. Mirrorkara gets ready to fires, before Linkara shoots him. Mirrorkara dodges the projectile, hides bedind the table and fires back, hitting Linkara in the chest. Linkara nevertheless gets up and prepares to fire. Mirrorkara ducks behind the table. During his preparation, Linkara's laser gun shifts back into the Magic Gun.)
Linkara: So soon? Alright. (pulls out his device again) Let's change it up!
(Linkara changes into Captain Linkara carrying a white CPS 2000 Mark 1. Mirrorkara gets back up from the table.)
Mirrorkara: A-ha! (scared) Oh poop.
(Mirrorkara hides behind the table again. Captain Linkara fires while singing.)
Captain Linkara: 'Cause I got a brand new combine harvester and I'll give you the key/ dun duh-dun dun-dun dun/ Come on now, let's get together in perfect harmony/ I got 20 acres and you got 43/ Now I got a brand new combine harvester and I'll give you the key. (Captain Linkara discovers another card in his pocket.) Hmm. (He goes to the other side of the apartment to change. Mirrorkara prepares to fire but gazes in confusion at the new transformation.)
Linkara: Technically, I never got a chance to use this before, but BETTER LATE THAN NEVER! (He shoots his sonic screwdriver at Mirrorkara, who dodges to the other side of the table. Both Linkaras fire at each other as Linkara hides behind the wall. During which, Linkara, now open to attack, uses the sonic screwdriver on the enemy but it runs out of juice.) Well, that's just peachy. (He gazes at another card.)
Mirrorkara: Would you stop cosplaying already and fight me, you shrill hobo?!
Linkara: Funny you should mention that. (He changes into another outfit. He now is armed with a duel disk and wearing a blue coat similar to that of the Yu-Gi-Oh GX Universe)
Linkara: I really love this coat.
(Mirrorkara fires many shots at Linkara. However, Linkara uses his duel disk to draw a card and freeze the laser fire. Mirrorkara gazes in confusion.)
Linkara: What a pity. You activated my trap card.
(Linkara turns over the card he drew and deflects the green ammunition and backfiring at Mirrorkara, who dodges the missiles)
Mirrorkara: You are such a dork! Such a child!! Acting out some kind of a power fantasy!!
(The second after he gives that comeback, Linkara transforms once again, morphing into Ensign Munro.)
Munro: I prefer to think of it as sound strategy.
Mirrorkara: You're just as ego-maniacal as I am!! We're not that different!!
Munro: Hell, I'm a primadonna! I admit it!!
(Munro fires with his magic gun. Of course, Mirrorkara dodges in the table again.)
Munro: I've been through a hell of a journey these last 300 episodes.
(Munro, or rather Linkara, transforms again and this time morphs into his Pokemon trainer outfit.)
Linkara: I've been forced to see some awful things: some arriving at my apartment and some just trying to bring me down for fun, (he pulls a PokeBall from his pocket) but because of all the things I've seen, all the people I've met, for good or for ill, I've become better. My monsters though... they stay monsters. PYRAMID HEAD, I CHOSE YOU!!
(Linkara throws the PokeBall toward the ground and Pyramid Head emerges. It slams its sword against the table, but Mirrorkara runs off. Linkara then places another card on his morpher and transforms into his classic outfit, during which Mirrorkara continues to fight Pyramid Head. Linkara twirls his head up to his head.)
Linkara: It hasn't been easy. A few times since I started I wanted to give up.
(Cut to Mirrorkara circling around and still firing at Pyramid Head, who remains perfectly still)
Linkara: But I've met a lot of amazing people: loved ones, colleagues, friends, oh most especially my friends. (Looks at the camera) Friends, you have been the most amazing of all. (to Mirrorkara) Thanks to them, I didn't end up like you. (He twirls around with his magic gun and walks offscreen)
(Mirrorkara falls down, cornered by Pyramid Head, who slams the blade toward his midsection. It misses. Pyramid Head makes one last move before Linkara returns it to the PokeBall. Mirrorkara still covering and protecting himself in fear gets his magic gun knocked out by a sword. He looks up and sees Linkara dressed as King Arthur.)
Linkara: The device, if you would be so kind.
(Mirrorkara does so, tossing it aside, allowing Linkara to destroy it with his magic gun. He takes on his final form, back to his regular outfit with the overcoat)
Linkara: Welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn, good comics are praised, and ignorance and hatred are unwelcomed. Now, take your gun and go back where you came from.
(Mirrorkara gets up from the corner. Cut to the girls fighting each other. The real girl is head-nuking the Mirror girl.)
Mirror Girl: Why do you wear that stupid Crown thing anyway?
Girl: I get bored, I go on Tumblr, shoot me.
Mirror Girl: You’re the real evil one.
Girl: Yeah, yeah, get the hell out of my universe, you big baby.
(The Girl lets go of Mirror Girl as she runs toward Mirrorkara)
Mirror Girl: You really suck at this.
Mirrorkara: We'll talk about this later. Mark my words, Linkara. You have not seen the last of me--
Linkara: Nimue, have you finished accessing his dimensional transporter?
Linkara: Take his ass back.
(Mirrorkara and Mirror Girl suddenly beam out of existence)
Linkara: And assuming that while you were in there, you made sure to fuse the circuitry so he can't just beam into another world.
Linkara: Thank you, Nimue. (addressing the camera) And thanks to all of you for sticking with this little silly comic show for 300 episodes. Here's to the next 300.
(Cut to a glowing red page with nails scattered around)
Linkara: Dear lord, this is actually the back inside cover of the book and the nails are still traveling outward from the initial explosion! WHEN WILL THEY END!!!
(Another stinger; a blooper sort of thing)
Futurkara: Bye... Bye.
(Pollo's head nearly falls over and collapses. Futurkara pats it on the head.)
Linkara: (offscreen) The funniest thing actually about the head falling, it's kind of like, "Oh my god, what are you doing?"