Ask ThatGuy Episode 28 (Oct. 3, 2008)

[ThatGuy is reading a book and smoking a pipe, after a second he notices the camera]

ThatGuy: Oh, Fo-Fo! Didn’t hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy with the Glasses.

[Piano music starts playing, title card appears]

Narrator: What is ROLF? Is it a misspelling?

ThatGuy: That’s a very good question. Actually it is not a misspelling, it is an abbreviation. That is to say every letter stands for a word. And this one is used quite often. And it stands for Raunchy Orgasming Fart Lickers. I’m not sure why so many people use it myself. But I see it all the time. “Hey, this is really funny. Raunchy Orgasming Fart Lickers. I’m not sure if it’s slang or what. Probably what. Yes.

Narrator: Once, my cousin jumped off the Grand Canyon and landed in South Korea. How did this happen?

ThatGuy: Because South Korea is in the Grand Canyon. Very few people know that. That’s why South Korea always has an echo. Incidentally, this is why they always tell people not to throw pennies in the Grand Canyon. Fifty thousand South Koreans have died from pennies attacks. And if somebody doesn’t raise awareness, who will? Not I! Randy.

Narrator: Why is it against the law for a man living in North Carolina to be buried in South Carolina?

ThatGuy: Because they’re assholes.

Narrator: Why do all my girlfriends smell like fish? Is it my shoes?

ThatGuy: No, no. It’s not because of your shoes. It’s because you’re actually dating fish. Stop it! Stop dating fish. That is just wrong. When somebody says he’ll be sleeping with the fishies tonight they’re not talking about that. In fact, that would be actually welcomed compared to what you’re doing. So please, go to confession. Absolve yourself of sin. And hit yourself in the testicles with a hammer. Why? Because I’d like to see it.

Narrator: There is a zombie who lives in my closet and he is starting to get annoying because he keeps trying to eat my brains. I want to kill him, but I only have a carrot, a piece of string, a schizophrenic hamster, and a Scottish bagpipe. What should I do?

ThatGuy: Oh, if I had a nickel everything I was asked this question. Well first of all, I would eat the carrot. Because you need your strength. Tie the piece of string around your finger, so that you remember to eat the carrot. Send the schizophrenic hamster to a therapist. Because don’t you think he’s suffered enough. And play Amazing Grace on your bagpipe. Because that will be the funeral march after the zombie has killed you. And he most certainty will. Because anyone who keeps a carrot, a piece of string, a schizophrenic hamster, a Scottish bagpipe, and no weapons to fight off the zombie is surely going to die soon. Rest in peace, you idiot. This is That Guy With The Glasses saying: There’s no such thing as a stupid question, until YOU ask it.

[ThatGuy goes back to reading books]

The End

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