Ask ThatGuy Episode 24 (September 11, 2008)

[ThatGuy is reading a book and smoking a pipe, after a second he notices the camera]

ThatGuy: Oh, Min-hani! Didn’t hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy with the Glasses.

[Piano music starts playing, title card appears]

Narrator: Help! Ninjas are at the front door! What should I do?

ThatGuy: That’s a very good question. Have you thought about maybe, perhaps, inviting them in? I mean not all ninjas want to go out of their way to kill you. Most ninjas are very friendly and sexually active as well. They probably just want to break in and have sex with you. But don’t worry, because it turns out that the majority of ninjas are actually women. I know they appear to look like men but they’re really not. It all part of the ninja mystic, making you believe that they are actually something else. But the population of ninjas is ninety percent women, five percent men, five percent…you don’t want to know. So just pray to God that they’re female ninjas. Or even male ninjas. [ThatGuy gets as close to the camera as possible] Because you don’t want to know what the third one is! [He goes back to being after from the camera] And if it is that third option let’s just say…your testicles will never be the same color again. Yes.

Narrator: Does there exist a male ladybug?

ThatGuy: Actually yes. They are called gentlemenbugs. They hold the door for ladybugs and generally help them in their time of need. But recently a revolution has happened to become more gender friendly. Now they ladybugs are out of the kitchen and in the work place, just like the gentlemen bugs! That way they can be more independent, as well as equal. Except when it comes to paying for meals. Or asking them out on a date. Or proposing, yeah that never happens! And when a ladybug goes PMSing, there’s no equality there! It’s all about ‘I feel so lonely. I feel so alone!’ Gender equality my ass! Hamster jelly.

Narrator: If someone has a split personality, and one decides to kill the other, would it be considered murder or suicide?

ThatGuy: It would be considered murdercide. Combining both murder and suicide in one glorious package. And if he does it to more than one person, it’s genomurdercide. Which means you get a free coupon at Starbucks if you commit it. They closed down a lot of stores recently. Isn’t that weird.

Narrator: Can blind people see their dreams?

ThatGuy: No. But they make up for them by smelling their dreams. They smell the most wonderful dreams. The smell about roses, and candy, and people of the opposite sex. Now a lot of people that only blind people can smell their dreams but that’s not true. I have smelled several dreams before. For example, I smelled a dream once that I was in hell and that the Devil told me that I would stay here forever if I made any insensitive jokes about blind people. It was a dream, right? [A Devil-like laugh is heard off screen]

Narrator: I have noticed recently that my testicles smell different in the summer than they do in the winter. Why is that?

ThatGuy: How many times have we heard this question. The answer is never because it’s a terrible question. My guess is that if you can lean that far to smell them, you probably do something else while you’re down there. And you do it so often that it starts to smell different. You should be ashamed of yourself. The thought about it just makes me physically sick. I think I’m going to vomit now, excuse me. [He walks off screen and the sound of vomiting is heard, after vomiting he says off screen]I don’t remember eating that. [He appears on screen again]This is That Guy With The Glasses saying: There’s no such thing as a stupid question, until YOU ask it.

[ThatGuy goes back to reading books]

The End

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